How closely do you monitor your middle school child's communications?

[Seasider]

I feel like I am really reasonable. We have an agreement that parents have access to said kid's device. I scan it regularly (once every week or two, maybe?), mostly checking what time of day texts are being sent/received. I have a pact with myself to not make comments about the content, which ranges from age-appropriate silliness to sometimes cringy stuff, yet also to some of the most heartwarming pal encouragement I could hope to read.

 

But the QUANTITY of content is astounding. I have had to result in settling specific usage time parameters, because extrovert kid is having trouble completing school work in a timely fashion. Child actually agrees, understands the lure/addiction dangers of cmcn gadgets, and is on board with the limitations - mentally & logically, that is, of course the walking it out is more challenging.

 

But now I have a concern (based on a comment from another in a group chat) that kid will be viewed as overly sheltered by the peer group. I personally don't mind, just hate to see kids divide themselves that way. Any thoughts?

 

Also, where do you draw the line on whether or not to talk to another parent about something in a chat - something that stands out, maybe, like a two person conversation in which one kid speaks of having some negative thoughts and other statements that may be indicative of depression? Obviously if there was a clear expression of intent to self harm, I'd immediately contact the parent. But what I've noticed isn't really at that level.

 

And really, maybe I am just feeling gross about the tension between wanting to respect my kid's privacy in relationships while at the same time being a responsible parental shepherd. Technology in the tween years is just squicky. I love that there is communication, I just wish I could set ground rules for everyone according to what makes ME comfortable. (Oh no, I am not a control freak....no, not at all.....😂 #fightingtheurge).

[SKL]

My kids are in 6th grade, 10 & 11 years old.

 

As far as I know, they do not have email or other internet social media, except their school emails (and I've told them the school WILL know whatever they type or receive on school systems).

 

They have Tracfones, but I buy a limited amount of minutes / data, so they have to budget it, except when they are on wifi.  (We have house wifi.)

 

They have laptops with internet access.

 

I check their history randomly and rarely.  This may change as time goes on.  So far I have not found anything shocking.

 

Theoretically, I keep their computers and phones in my room overnight.  This was decided because they will play on the internet when they should be sleeping or doing homework.  They get them back if they finish all their homework and chores, but have to return them to me before bed.  (Sometimes they sneak and get the devices when they aren't supposed to have them.  Mean old mom needs a better system.)

[HSmomof2]

I have 7th and 9th graders. I monitor occasionally. I have passwords for their social media and know who all their ‘friends’ are. All electronics are stored and charged in my room at night. Also, electronics are not allowed during the day until school work is done, except computer that is needed for school.

[Chris in VA]

I just want to pop in and remind everyone that you may not know as much as you think about your child's social media use. If your child wants to get around parental oversight, he can. Making more than one account, deleting history right after use, deleting texts...there are many ways to hide useage. I just want to say that thinking parental control works all of the time is naive (not that most parents don't know that, just that some don't). Build your relationship as much as you can because a good relationship can go a long way in keeping teens making safe online choices...and even that is not enough sometimes.

[HSmomof2]

I just want to pop in and remind everyone that you may not know as much as you think about your child's social media use. If your child wants to get around parental oversight, he can. Making more than one account, deleting history right after use, deleting texts...there are many ways to hide useage. I just want to say that thinking parental control works all of the time is naive (not that most parents don't know that, just that some don't). Build your relationship as much as you can because a good relationship can go a long way in keeping teens making safe online choices...and even that is not enough sometimes.

^^ITA. I do what I think is a normal level of monitoring, but I know they can ‘get around’ it. We’ve had a lot of discussion about online safety and appropriate use. And I think I have a good relationship with my teens. I hope they will make good choices but fully understand I don’t have ultimate control over that, online or otherwise. We can only teach and guide them. And, I am so very thankful social media/internet wasn’t around when I was a teen. 😄

[Tanaqui]

Honestly? Hardly at all. It's trivially easy to hide your internet tracks, and the one time I accidentally read my kid's texts they were soooo boring omg.

 

But I don't think it's unreasonable for other people to monitor their kids more, so long as they aren't playing "gotcha". If your kid doesn't know you will or might check up on their communications, they'll be upset when you do. (Indeed, I've told both kids firmly that since we pay for the phone and all, we do have a right to see what they're doing and when. I also pointed out that in certain circumstances the cops do too, and that therefore they should never, ever, ever talk about anything shady over the phone, the internet, or the mail. Keep that stuff strictly face-to-face, guys! We ended up with a bit of a discussion on what the police are and are not allowed to do without your permission, and what you should do if you say you don't consent to a search but they go ahead and do it anyway. So I wonder if they actually remember how that convo started....)

[Arcadia]

My middle school kids have online classes and those have forums as well. I’m less concern about AoPS forums because kids are not suppose to give their names or anything identifying themselves. Class forums which has my kids names, I had told my kids to stick to purely academic matters and not go off topic and not answer off topic questions.

 

My 8th grader DS12 hasn’t turn 13 yet so he doesn’t has his own email or social media accounts. He is not interested anyway and hyper picky about who he interacts with so less worrying for us. He does know how to surf incognito and he also knows how to use free WiFi at libraries, McDonald’s (and other fast food joints) and Starbucks. Short of looking at his screen (cell phone, tablet, laptop) every second, there is no way we will know what he is up to.

 

My 7th grader DS11 can get addicted to social media easily and gets addicted to screens if we don’t help him moderate. I posted this NPR article in another thread and it’s worth a read.

Is 'Internet Addiction' Real? http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/05/18/527799301/is-internet-addiction-real

 

ETA:

We ban clash of clans app because the chat was horrid and we told our kids to not join other Minecraft servers because the chats can be horrid too. They chat with each other on Minecraft.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Arcadia

[Seasider]

I just want to pop in and remind everyone that you may not know as much as you think about your child's social media use. If your child wants to get around parental oversight, he can. Making more than one account, deleting history right after use, deleting texts...there are many ways to hide useage. I just want to say that thinking parental control works all of the time is naive (not that most parents don't know that, just that some don't). Build your relationship as much as you can because a good relationship can go a long way in keeping teens making safe online choices...and even that is not enough sometimes.

This is such a good point. DH and Inhave discussed this and it definitely has crossed my mind that we don't want a result of monitoring to be driving the kid to deceitfulness. Maybe that's why I so wrestle with intruding.

 

SKL, we have talked about means to force self-budgeting of text time, and your providing limited minutes seems like it might be an option. I'll have to look at that possibility.

 

At present there are no social media accounts so it's just the texting to keep track of for now.

[teachermom2834]

I just want to pop in and remind everyone that you may not know as much as you think about your child's social media use. If your child wants to get around parental oversight, he can. Making more than one account, deleting history right after use, deleting texts...there are many ways to hide useage. I just want to say that thinking parental control works all of the time is naive (not that most parents don't know that, just that some don't). Build your relationship as much as you can because a good relationship can go a long way in keeping teens making safe online choices...and even that is not enough sometimes.

Agreed! And there are so many different messaging apps it would be near impossible for a parent to keep up with all the different ways one could communicate.

 

For example- my then 7th grader had no social media, no phone, no iPod, no tablet, just a desktop in the living area. He actually had needed a Pinterest account for a class he did that the teacher posted study items on Pinterest. Well, eventually I figured out he was messaging a girl on Pinterest. It was innocent and I hadn't told him he couldn't. Just never occurred to me honestly.

 

Another ds had Instagram before I had heard of it.

 

I always monitored things but I did eventually realize there is no way I can fully stay on top of these things. So I am under no illusions I can monitor this monster. Easier for our family to limit, delay, restrict access to the devices themselves than to give them the devices and them attempt to monitor.

 

I still reserve the right to monitor and phones go on my nightstand overnight. That is a good limit. (But honestly a determined kid would sneak to get it after we are asleep, come up with a cheap device he could use secretly, etc).

 

Sorry to be so negative! We ended up opting just to not let our younger kids have devices as soon as our older ones did. Middle school is a tough time for all of that.

[eternalsummer]

Mine just don't have cell phones or other small electronic devices; the only computers they have available are the desktops in the main living areas, and use of those are monitored.  They don't have social media accounts or email addresses (they do email friends through our email address).

[foxbridgeacademy]

I don't/didn't nor would I unless there's a problem.  An example, DD was texting a friend, who had a specific bedtime, much later than the kid was supposed to be asleep (she was very open about this).  We talked about how that- no she's not responsible for their breaking the rules but does she want them to be grounded, get yelled at?  Then while it's not her fault if they get caught/punished she is contributing to the issue.  She stopped texting them after the kid's arbitrarily set time.  When my niece was staying with us last year we went through a  similar situation, texting at 3am to other children who were supposed to be in bed.  I talked to her like I did my daughter but the results weren't the same.  She continued to text, a lot.  She was 11 and I ended up having to take her phone every night at midnight.  I hated doing it, I much prefer children learn to police themselves and learn self control but she had never been taught those tools and she wasn't here long enough (only 3 months) for me to work with her her, so in the end I had to restrict her.   

 

As to what they're texting, I don't feel like it's my business.  Just like I wouldn't try to eavesdrop on an in person conversation why then would it be okay to "listen in" on a conversation just because it's in text?   

[The Governess]

Re: getting schoolwork done. We have a policy. As long as you are getting everything done on your list each day, and done well, you can keep your screens and I don't really monitor how often the phone is being checked, etc.. If you get behind, you turn in your phone until you are caught up. This has worked really well. She doesn't want to lose her phone so she moderates her use.

[freesia]

We started out letting them have a lot of access and random monitoring and then got a lot more stringent.  I think the APA is recommending only 3 hours a WEEK of social media for middle school students and I have come to agree with that.  We have had negative mental health impacts from more.  (And, as you say, it impacts school as well). 

 

My kids have always known we monitor and their friends know (and most of them monitor, too).  My kids just tell other kids that we monitor, so they know and can choose not to interact of social media with my kids if they have a problem.  I have to say, that the unmonitored kids, in our experience (of course I cannot speak for all) are the ones who have engaged in out of bounds online behavior--verbal bullying, p*rn, etc.  Oddly, even when they know that there are 2 other parents "reading".  It seems that knowing your parent is likely to read that makes the biggest difference.

 

I rarely, if ever, comment on something I've read.  I let my kids tell me.

 

And, yes, I have told other parents when I've seem signs of concerning depression.  I think that when kids tell (even other kids, but especially online and especially when they know that other parents may be reading) they are reaching out for help.  Unfortunately, my dd would feel it was their privacy and would think she could handle it herself.  I was the same way.  But, if a child is saying it online (or in chat or text) that they know is read by parent, I feel it is serious enough to share with the parent.  It has only ever led to good.

[Twolittleboys]

I struggle a bit with this. Older ds has various devices and I don't monitor at all as he is adamantly opposed to it. I kind of would like the occasional peek just to make sure there is nothing concerning but it isn't worth the fight. I actually don't think there is anything wild going on (based on personality etc.). He doesn't use his phone after bedtime during the week (I would notice) so that is something and he doesn't have it at school. I actually don't think he does a lot of texting/social media. Mostly interested in computer games.

 

Younger ds doesn't have a phone yet but will probably get one fairly soon. He does have a tablet but I don't think uses it for social media etc. He probably would let me look at his stuff without throwing a fit.

 

I guess I feel slightly negligent with older ds but have seen no warning signs/don't think anything wrong is going on so I think I will just let it be unless something changes.

 

Edited to add: Older ds is actually 15 and in 10th grade so doesn't really correspond to the question now that I come to think of it. Younger ds is almost 13 and in 7th grade.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Twolittleboys

[Joyofsixreboot]

I never have.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

[freesia]

Agreed! And there are so many different messaging apps it would be near impossible for a parent to keep up with all the different ways one could communicate.

 

For example- my then 7th grader had no social media, no phone, no iPod, no tablet, just a desktop in the living area. He actually had needed a Pinterest account for a class he did that the teacher posted study items on Pinterest. Well, eventually I figured out he was messaging a girl on Pinterest. It was innocent and I hadn't told him he couldn't. Just never occurred to me honestly.

 

Another ds had Instagram before I had heard of it.

 

I always monitored things but I did eventually realize there is no way I can fully stay on top of these things. So I am under no illusions I can monitor this monster. Easier for our family to limit, delay, restrict access to the devices themselves than to give them the devices and them attempt to monitor.

 

I still reserve the right to monitor and phones go on my nightstand overnight. That is a good limit. (But honestly a determined kid would sneak to get it after we are asleep, come up with a cheap device he could use secretly, etc).

 

Sorry to be so negative! We ended up opting just to not let our younger kids have devices as soon as our older ones did. Middle school is a tough time for all of that.

We should start a support group.  We had no idea how many places had private chat.  Unless you are monitoring, you don't know who your child is talking too.  Now, I ask--does that site, app, etc have any way to private message. . .Furthermore, there is all sorts of stuff that you don't want your middle schoolers to see on Pinterest.  Even if they don't go looking for it, if they subscribe to others accounts, they will see it in notifications.  And Snapchat, just no.  If a child is bullying your child or giving inappropriate attention . . .

 

We are restricting access and monitoring the older 2 (after cutting access way, way back) and, yes, the younger two, will have very delayed access. We learned how innocent things can get out of hand way quickly, particularly if there is another child involved--and one whom you can't control.

 

 

[freesia]

I just want to pop in and remind everyone that you may not know as much as you think about your child's social media use. If your child wants to get around parental oversight, he can. Making more than one account, deleting history right after use, deleting texts...there are many ways to hide useage. I just want to say that thinking parental control works all of the time is naive (not that most parents don't know that, just that some don't). Build your relationship as much as you can because a good relationship can go a long way in keeping teens making safe online choices...and even that is not enough sometimes.

 

This is true.  But b/c of a situation here, I monitor one of my children in real time.  Middle school students are still trying to manage that dance of pulling away and making good safe decisions and they often get in over their head, thinking they can manage situations they can't.  And you may have thought you had a good relationship, but another child can pull your kid away online.  Older teens are much more ready to figure this dance out.  My late high schooler has more leeway and less monitoring than my younger teen.

 

But yes, relationship is key.  And be open that you are monitoring and why.

 

We also talk about accountability being important with computer use and how lots of grown ups have people who have access to their accounts and passwords (like dh and I), too.

[Katy]

I monitor as much as I feel I need to for any individual child.  This varies based on their responsibility, judgment, and apparent degree of common sense.

 

It sounds to me like the problem here is responsibility.  If a kid couldn't get their things done, I might give a warning period of a week or so, after which I'd take the devices every day until all the work & chores & homework are done.