Physical attraction in marriage

[Moxie]

Two people get married. They are attracted to each other. Years go by. Spouse A tries to stay in shape, Spouse B does not. More years go by. Spouse B is overweight. They are still in love and have a good marriage but Spouse A is not physically attracted to Spouse B. What should Spouse A do?

[Laura Corin]

The mind is the most sensitive sex organ.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with Spouse A developing a rich, private fantasy life to pursue while expressing physical love with Spouse B.

[HomeAgain]

I don't know.  I can't speak for all relationships.

 

I think that a person who really does not take care of themselves would not love themselves, and it would be increasingly harder to love them. 

 

Dh and I are not the same people we were 20 years ago.  But we enjoy doing things together - including exercising.  We're not nearly in the same shape.  We've each had health problems that limit us.  But we would find our life more limited together if we chose to eat different things, or one of us decided not to exercise at all, even within our limitations.  We couldn't travel as much or do as much with our kid, and that would impact our relationship because someone would always be left behind.  It would pull us in different directions.  So we bike together, and skate together, and hike together..to keep active together.

 

For other people this wouldn't be an issue.  But it would in our relationship because we started dating when we were both very active people.

 

ETA: I threw the question at dh.  His response was that Spouse A needed to have an honest conversation with Spouse B, because part of their attraction and desire to get married had to do with the whole person, not part of them.

Edited October 24, 2017 by HomeAgain

[Guest]

Spouse A needs to suck it up and get over it.

[Halftime Hope]

The mind is the most sensitive sex organ.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with Spouse A developing a rich, private fantasy life to pursue while expressing physical love with Spouse B.

 

My knee jerk reaction to this is "oh, h$%%, no."  I'm only able to envision ways in which this would drive a wedge between the partners if it is a "private fantasy life" that is unshared. 

 

I'm with ArcticMama on this one.  The healthiest marriage I know is the couple that has accepted reality and is, at the same time, playful and inventive.  The last I heard, since it IS NOT a routine topic in my friendship with the wife, is that they were playing strip croquet in their (privacy fenced) backyard of an evening, and they are both in the 55-65 age range.

 

(Edited for clarity)

 

Edited October 24, 2017 by Halftime Hope

[GinaPagnato]

What should Spouse A do? I'm not sure he/she can just get over not being physically attracted to Spouse B.

 

Most likely A needs to cultivate and nurture attraction to the other wonderful qualities that B had to begin with, with the hopes that it will lead to physical attraction.

 

 

[mytwomonkeys]

I would think maybe there is something bigger at play. I’m 46 and I’m not as thin or as in shape as I was in my twenties. My husband has put on a little weight and his hair ain’t what it used to be :-) But he still makes my heart skip a beat and he makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the room. So in my opinion, physical attraction is a subjective term. Having said that, if it felt like one of us just stopped caring about ourselves, that would be a problem. We don’t need to have beach bodies but we do need to strive for optimal health (neither of us have any health issues so for us this is reasonable and attainable). We want to grow old together and enjoy our future ... so both of us commit to ourselves and each other to eat right, take care of ourselves, and we’ve always tried to put effort into our appearance. If life throws us a curve ball and this becomes unrealistic, we will still love each other and adapt. That’s marriage. You figure it out.

[ktgrok]

Honestly, you can always turn the lights out. 

 

I'd question if the weight was the REAL issue. I've been in a marriage where I became less and less physically attracted to my spouse...and it turned out it was the physical that was the real issue. At all. If you love someone you tend to not really care about their flaws in the same way. It's like airbrushing in real life, lol. 

 

My DH now has gained quite a bit of weight, but honestly, most of the time I see him through "love goggles" and don't notice. He was the same with me when I was morbidly obese....to the point that when I posted before and after photos of me losing the weight he was stunned...not at how much I'd lost but at how heavy I'd been. He'd never really seen it. 

 

So, I guess I'd say the marriage in whole probably needs work and that the lack of physical attraction is probably a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. 

[Scarlett]

I like this book. https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof-ebook/dp/B004HKIIBC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1508846901&sr=8-1&keywords=his+needs+her+needs

 

It talks about the most common needs in marriage. I think it is good that marriage mates identify each others needs and do their absolute best to meet those needs.

 

I don't think that unmet needs are a reason to divorce. But it makes me sad that one person would not meet their mates needs.

[Scarlett]

There is a prejudice against people who do not want an overweight spouse. Everyone has different things they need from a marriage. If you have a spouse who doesn't care if you are over weight, and you don't care if you are over weight then great. No problem. But if you are in a marriage where one person cares about weight it doesn't make that person shallow.

 

As far as other things going on? maybe the other thing going on is the over weight spouse doesn't care about the needs his/ her mate.

[Laura Corin]

My knee jerk reaction to this is "oh, h$%%, no." I'm only able to envision ways in which this would drive a wedge between the partners if it is a "private fantasy life" that is unshared.

 

 

It certainly could, but it sounds as if there's an issue there anyway. I see it as a form of white lie.

 

I remember reading an agony aunt column in which the letter writer told of badgering her husband to find out what he thought about during sex. Finally he told her, and she was horrified

She didn't want to go near him again.

[JustEm]

I have a hard time understanding why anything needs to be done. In love + good marriage seems so much more important than physical attraction.

 

I'm incredibly attracted to my dh but it has little to do with his looks, although he's quite physically attractive. I'm attracted to how he makes me feel like the most important person in the room all the time, how he works hard for his family, how he shares his love of martial arts with his kids... I could go on. The physical attraction is just the cherry on top.

 

Now if I were attracted to him emotionally then we'd have problems but I'd imagine for that to happen things would have to be bad in our marriage.

[Scarlett]

I would think maybe there is something bigger at play. I’m 46 and I’m not as thin or as in shape as I was in my twenties. My husband has put on a little weight and his hair ain’t what it used to be :-) But he still makes my heart skip a beat and he makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the room. So in my opinion, physical attraction is a subjective term. Having said that, if it felt like one of us just stopped caring about ourselves, that would be a problem. We don’t need to have beach bodies but we do need to strive for optimal health (neither of us have any health issues so for us this is reasonable and attainable). We want to grow old together and enjoy our future ... so both of us commit to ourselves and each other to eat right, take care of ourselves, and we’ve always tried to put effort into our appearance. If life throws us a curve ball and this becomes unrealistic, we will still love each other and adapt. That’s marriage. You figure it out.

Right. Normal aging is one thing. But I see young people, under 30 who have put on over 100 pounds. And I can see how that would not be ok with a lot of people.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree...get over it.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I have a hard time understanding why anything needs to be done. In love + good marriage seems so much more important than physical attraction.

 

I'm incredibly attracted to my dh but it has little to do with his looks, although he's quite physically attractive. I'm attracted to how he makes me feel like the most important person in the room all the time, how he works hard for his family, how he shares his love of martial arts with his kids... I could go on. The physical attraction is just the cherry on top.

 

Now if I were attracted to him emotionally then we'd have problems but I'd imagine for that to happen things would have to be bad in our marriage.

In love + good marriage can and often does include physical attractiveness.

[SparklyUnicorn]

In love + good marriage can and often does include physical attractiveness.

 

Looks fade though.  We aren't going to remain attractive forever no matter how much we try to.

[J-rap]

It depends.  If it's a natural process that can't much be helped, that's one thing.  But if one person is really not doing anything to take care of themselves anymore and they could, then that's another thing, because now something more is involved -- such as attitude and dedication to the marriage.  In that case, I'd recommend therapy to get to the bottom of it.  Each person in the relationship owes it to their spouse to keep up their health at least to some degree, and keep putting energy into their marriage and not being lazy toward it.

 

But if it's the natural process of aging or health problems, then I do think you need to keep focusing on their strengths, their minds, and the real core of who they are.

[Scarlett]

Looks fade though. We aren't going to remain attractive forever no matter how much we try to.

There is a big difference between inevitable aging and becoming overweight.

[SparklyUnicorn]

There is a big difference between inevitable aging and becoming overweight.

 

It's a lot more complicated than that.  My spouse prefers beefier gals.  Maybe the more weight I've lost the less physically attractive I've become to him.  He doesn't nit pick my appearance though and I have no plans to gain weight to become more attractive.  Our relationship is just so much more than that detail thankfully.

[JustEm]

In love + good marriage can and often does include physical attractiveness.

OP is saying person A and B are in love and have a good marriage but no physical attraction. If they can have those 2 things without physical attraction I don't see why it matters.

 

But if your definition of in love and good marriage requires physical attraction well then you aren't in the same category as what is described in the OP because if physical attraction was a requirement then there would already be issues in the marriage since weight gain doesn't magically happen overnight.

[creekland]

I suspect the issue is deeper than looks (as mentioned by several pp).

 

Neither hubby nor I are physically attractive (esp now in our 50s).  Can't say it ever mattered.  The person I love is him and it would still be him if he had to have several amputations or got scarred up or whatever.  He feels the same way about me.  (We've mentioned it when it's come up in TV shows or movies.)  To us, that's real love.  Being attracted to someone solely because of what they look like is more like puppy love and that always dies sooner or later because puppies don't remain cute puppies forever.

 

If there are issues in a marriage itself, I always recommend both couples read about Love Languages (doesn't have to be the whole book - summaries are sufficient for many).  While it doesn't always help, I can't count the number of times light bulbs go on and marriages deepen considerably.  When we date we automatically do all the love languages.  When we're married, we gradually slip back to just "speaking" our own.  That leaves many wondering "what happened???"  The best thing hubby and I ever did was learn to speak each other's.  I can't fathom ever falling out of love with him.

[JustEm]

There is a prejudice against people who do not want an overweight spouse. Everyone has different things they need from a marriage. If you have a spouse who doesn't care if you are over weight, and you don't care if you are over weight then great. No problem. But if you are in a marriage where one person cares about weight it doesn't make that person shallow.

 

As far as other things going on? maybe the other thing going on is the over weight spouse doesn't care about the needs his/ her mate.

If you(general) have a perfectly good marriage and the only hang up is that your spouse is overweight and you simply decide you can't deal with that and leave it is seems pretty shallow to me. You are saying, "you're a great person, I love you, and we work great together. But you are too fat to be with anymore." That seems like the definition of shallow.

[MotherGoose]

So I know of a couPle who are free with their TMI because we are family, right?! Anyway the husband was 200 pounds overweight. She had to help him wipe his bum when he went to the toilet. I don't think any tEA was brewing anyway because if a man is that obese probably things don't work anymore. They were late 50s. Anyway I told dh if he ever got that obese, well, first, I wouldn't enable him by wiping his bum if the only reason was that he was too obese to do it, (Not elderly, otherwise ill, etc.) and secondly I could not fathom having tEA in that situation. Doesn't mean I would leave him or stray from the marriage, but our marriage would no longer be about physical attraction.

Edited October 24, 2017 by MotherGoose

[happi duck]

This thread makes it seem like gaining weight equals becoming unattractive. Even to someone who loves you.

 

:(

 

Weight gain isn't always avoidable.

[maize]

Does spouse A find themselves to be interested in tEa in general?

 

How attracted I feel to my spouse tends to depend on what is going on with my own body and hormones more than anything to do with him.

[maize]

So I know of a couPle who are free with their TMI because we are family, right?! Anyway the husband was 200 pounds overweight. She had to help him wipe his bum when he went to the toilet. I don't think any tEA was brewing anyway because if a man is that obese probably things don't work anymore. They were late 50s. Anyway I told dh if he ever got that obese, well, first, I wouldn't enable him by wiping his bum if the only reason was that he was too obese to do it, (Not elderly, otherwise I'll, etc.) and secondly I could not fathom having tEA in that situation. Doesn't mean I would leave him or stray from the marriage, but our marriage would no longer be about physical attraction.

This is cruel. No one chooses to be extremely obese, and there are often physical factors involved that are beyond a person's control (for example, epigenetic changes that happened in a parent's DNA due to circumstances while the parent was a fetus can impact the metabolism and tendency to gain weight of that person's children and grandchildren).

[Critterfixer]

Chose to focus on the things that are attractive about their spouse. I can't imagine anyone who could love someone and not find something about the other person that they love, and that includes pieces and parts of their physical person.

[Zinnia]

A hundred pounds doesn't mean that tEa isn't a thing.  It means that you should probably invest in a sturdy bed, but not that things stop.

 

Just sayin'.

[Scarlett]

OP is saying person A and B are in love and have a good marriage but no physical attraction. If they can have those 2 things without physical attraction I don't see why it matters.

 

But if your definition of in love and good marriage requires physical attraction well then you aren't in the same category as what is described in the OP because if physical attraction was a requirement then there would already be issues in the marriage since weight gain doesn't magically happen overnight.

That is not the way I read the OP. I read that lack of physical attraction IS a problem. Another thing that happens is that people go for years not discussing things that really do matter to them.

[FaithManor]

Someone I know IRL is being divorced by her husband over this. His comments have been that she looks middle aged and he isn't attracted to that. Well guess what jerk wad, you aren't exactly Ryan Gosling there and are in fact by any standard a plain somewhat paunchy middle aged guy with some grey hair and she isn't the one leaving.

 

I suspect he may have been fooling around, wants to shack up with the new woman, and is just using this an excuse to justify his behavior. But I have no proof.

 

In general, I think that once a marriage reaches a place where these kinds of conversations surface, there are deeper problems than just weight.

[Scarlett]

If you(general) have a perfectly good marriage and the only hang up is that your spouse is overweight and you simply decide you can't deal with that and leave it is seems pretty shallow to me. You are saying, "you're a great person, I love you, and we work great together. But you are too fat to be with anymore." That seems like the definition of shallow.

You quoted me but I didn't say that. In fact I said it would not be a reason to divorce.

 

If you have a great marriage and love your spouse but you know you being overweight affects attraction to you and you stay overweight, that is the definition of uncaring to me.

[mamaraby]

I guess I can’t really see how weight gain is the issue. Both dh and I have lost an entire overweight person’s amount of weight combined. We were both as attracted to each other then as we are now. I would say that like ktgrok’s dh, we just didn’t really see it because when we look back on pictures, the reaction is “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of weight!â€

 

I would suspect that there’s something else going on and yeah, person A needs to get over it.

[Scarlett]

This thread makes it seem like gaining weight equals becoming unattractive. Even to someone who loves you.

 

:(

 

Weight gain isn't always avoidable.

I think it matters to some people and not to others.

[mykidsrmyjoy]

The mind is the most sensitive sex organ. I don't think that there is anything wrong with Spouse A developing a rich, private fantasy life to pursue while expressing physical love with Spouse B.

Ewwww.

[Scarlett]

Someone I know IRL is being divorced by her husband over this. His comments have been that she looks middle aged and he isn't attracted to that. Well guess what jerk wad, you aren't exactly Ryan Gosling there and are in fact by any standard a plain somewhat paunchy middle aged guy with some grey hair and she isn't the one leaving.

 

I suspect he may have been fooling around, wants to shack up with the new woman, and is just using this an excuse to justify his behavior. But I have no proof.

 

In general, I think that once a marriage reaches a place where these kinds of conversations surface, there are deeper problems than just weight.

But that is not what OP said. It wasn't a 'middle age look' . It was a 'stopped caring and gained weight look'.

[Scarlett]

I am answering with the assumption that the decline in health and increase in weight is not due to a medical condition or injury or just the plain natural progression for that person. Lots of people, women especially, gain weight as a natural consequence of going through the phases of life. In any of those cases, yeah spouse A just has to deal with as much grace as possible-- and possibly needs to do some soul searching as to why they want the person they love to adhere to a media-driven idea of what beauty and sexual desirableness means and/or if there is actually something deeper going on that they are blaming on looks.

 

That said, I don't know why so many people are hell-bent on acting like a TONNE of Americans aren't overweight because of their own actions at this moment in time. YES it's very good that we understand more about what causes excessive [again, not natural] weight gain and other indicators of poor health. But it's not like it's one or the other. If you are all saying you never met anyone who is obese because of their life choices I don't believe you.

 

I am BY FAR both the fatter and more unhealthy--if it's a competition-- one in my marriage. But if my husband stopped taking care of himself at all and just let everything slide way past a point I considered reasonable, I would be so disappointed in him, physical attraction aside, that I wouldn't want to sleep with him. As someone said upthread, the mind is the sexiest organ of all or whatever. If his decision-making went so far downhill that he drastically changed we'd be having some serious talks.

 

Anyway.

 

Person A should not: put down B or call them names, cheat, threaten B, reconcile themselves to a passionless marriage, develop sexual interests they aren't inclined toward for the sake of being able to get off with their partner, stop trying to work it out kindly and with grace

 

Person B should not: dismiss A's concerns out of hand just because the spirit is MORE important than the body, reconcile themselves to a passionless marriage, change themselves or their actions if they truly believe they are making good-enough decisions health-wise, stop trying to work it out kindly and with grace

 

They really need to see a sex therapist. But they should NOT just shelve the issue, unless someone is ignoring the "with kindness and grace" part of the rules.

 

There is a whole, rich world between "get over it" and "slavishly do what your partner prefers."

 

IME most women, can (rightly, correctly, said without snark or judgement) take or leave sex in general in different periods of their lives because that's how biology works. So we are all WELL aware that sexual attraction is not everything. "Not everything" and "nothing at all" aren't the same thing, though.

Exactly. And there have been times I am not so interested in TeA, but still participate because it is important to my husband.

[maize]

Ewwww.

Why?

 

If the point of the fantasy is to be able to enjoy tEa with one's spouse, isn't that better than not enjoying tEa?

 

Fantasizing about the neighbour's spouse is obviously not a good idea, but a fantasy involving, say, a more attractive version of one's own spouse, or an entirely imaginary partner, or even a movie star one is never going to meet in real life could be just what it takes to get the pot whistling.

Edited October 24, 2017 by maize

[Sarah CB]

Are we allowed to find anything unattractive? What if I really dislike blonde hair and dh insists on dying his hair? What if I become obese and develop type 2 diabetes? What if I get so thin that my bones show? 

 

I understand the deeper attraction thing. I know that dh is attractive to me because of how much I love him and how close I feel to him, but I think I can also acknowledge that if he were back in the same shape he was in in his twenties that I'd sure have a different level of enjoyment when seeing/touching him. 

[Scarlett]

I guess I can’t really see how weight gain is the issue. Both dh and I have lost an entire overweight person’s amount of weight combined. We were both as attracted to each other then as we are now. I would say that like ktgrok’s dh, we just didn’t really see it because when we look back on pictures, the reaction is “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of weight!â€

 

I would suspect that there’s something else going on and yeah, person A needs to get over it.

If you and your husband don't notice each other's weight that is great. But it doesn't make another person a jerk for noticing or being bothered by it.

[Scarlett]

Why?

 

If the point of the fantasy is to be able to enjoy tEa with one's spouse, isn't that better than not enjoying tEa?

 

Fantasizing about the neighbour's spouse is obviously not a good idea, but a fantasy involving, say, a more attractive version of one's own spouse, or an entirely imaginary partner, or even a movie star one is never going to meet in real life could be just what it takes to get the pot whistling.

I think it is a dangerous thing to start. But I believe our thoughts lead to actions.

 

I think it makes a lot more sense to have an Open and Honest conversation with overweight spouse.

[mamaraby]

If you and your husband don't notice each other's weight that is great. But it doesn't make another person a jerk for noticing or being bothered by it.

Noticing it is one thing. Being bothered by it is another.

 

I love my dh for the person he is. He’s still that same person no matter what he weighs.

 

And yeah, being bothered by a spouse’s weight gain does kinda make one a bit of a jerk and a little shallow. You are free to disagree. I’m not going to change my mind on this one.

[FaithManor]

But that is not what OP said. It wasn't a 'middle age look' . It was a 'stopped caring and gained weight look'.

As part of the post I should have said the middle aged look was not only the beginning of wrinkles in the face, but the fact that after having four children she did not lose all the baby weight.

[Scarlett]

Noticing it is one thing. Being bothered by it is another.

 

I love my dh for the person he is. He’s still that same person no matter what he weighs.

 

And yeah, being bothered by a spouse’s weight gain does kinda make one a bit of a jerk and a little shallow. You are free to disagree. I’m not going to change my mind on this one.

So does that apply only to weight gain? I mean if your spouse decides to grow a mustache when you have always preferred clean shaven, are you a jerk if it bothers you?

[mamaraby]

So does that apply only to weight gain? I mean if your spouse decides to grow a mustache when you have always preferred clean shaven, are you a jerk if it bothers you?

Yeah. That’s happened here too. Dh has shaved off his goatee, went with a mustache, and is currently growing a beard. I prefer the goatee, but it's not my body and he’s his own person. Still found him attractive and engaged in our regular extracurriculars even when he had the mustache that read decidely 1970s (and not in a goid way). The beard looks a little scruffy at the moment, but again I love him full stop. The exterior doesn’t change the person I love magically into someone else.

 

I currently have short hair. Dh prefers long hair, but he loves me so again, it’s not his body and I’m my own person. My short hair hasn’t sent him packing and looking elsewhere.

[Sarah CB]

So does that apply only to weight gain? I mean if your spouse decides to grow a mustache when you have always preferred clean shaven, are you a jerk if it bothers you?

 

This was my point. I don't think it does make you a jerk. There are lots of things I don't find attractive. If dh went and got a bunch of face piercings, I don't think I'd be very happy. I'd still love him and still have that deeper attraction to him, but man oh man would I wish that he would just get rid of the piercings. 

[rainbowmama]

Is Spouse B relatively confident or constantly bemoaning their weight? Is the weight gain caused by or causing medical issues that affect Spouse B's mood and personality? Because weight changes in our household often strongly impacted baseline mood, and that was a lot harder to overlook than the weight.

[elegantlion]

It depends. If the unhappy spouse is discounting the life experience that brought this person to their physical condition, then maybe spouse A needs to stop and consider. Has spouse B been taking care of kids for years and is tired and not sure to care for themselves as priority? Has spouse B commuted and worked a sedentary job for years to support the family and gained weight and lost hair because of it? IOW, has life weighed them down, literally and emotionally. 

 

How old are they? I turned 50 this year and I can tell you I feel like I've aged 5 in the last few months. My grey hair is taking over, my body aches, My thyroid is shot and it's hard to lose weight (don't ask, irrelevant to the conversation). 

 

Has spouse A made sure spouse B has had time to care for their own being? Does spouse A go work out while spouse B is home taking care of kids? 

 

If your realize at age 40+ that your spouse has aged differently than you because of the above, then you need to check your vanity. If it's not because of the above, then I would find ways to go outside and move together - even just walks. 

 

Thing is, as a divorced woman, my ex is still an attractive man. His physical appearance doesn't override any of the reasons we divorced. 

 

As a 50 year old single woman who wants to date, I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who would want to. Then I realize that I have lived a life, my being overweight is partially due to a dead thyroid because I survived cancer, I have abdominal scars because I survived cancer and had a baby. I have dark circles under my eyes that are more pronounced now because I work and study hard. I think I have a pretty face and exude confidence when I walk into a room. I am proud of who I am and what I've accomplished in my life, even if my physical appearance has dwindled a bit over the years. 

At school I'm around a lot of young men that are attractive too. Then I see the professors my age and I find some of them equally attractive. Physical weight is one mark of attractiveness, confidence, intelligence, kindness, and their manner play into that just as much. These can be physical markers of those. 

 

If I found myself no longer attracted physically to my spouse, I would search for underlying reasons I felt that way. It's it just weight, I'd check my vanity and try to do more activities with my spouse. If it's other outward signs, I would examine them. There is nothing like an attractive man yelling at you in sheer anger to ruin your concept of "beautiful." 

 

At 20, I wanted a handsome husband. At 50, I'll take a man who is honest and kind, great hair and arms would be good, but those are icing, not requirements. 

 

[maize]

I think it is a dangerous thing to start. But I believe our thoughts lead to actions.

 

I think it makes a lot more sense to have an Open and Honest conversation with overweight spouse.

I do think our thoughts lead to actions.

 

In this case, the action just might be an enjoyable tEa party with one's spouse.

 

I don't see how fantasizing that my spouse was, say, Superman, would somehow lead me astray--it is not as if I'm going to actually run off with Superman! How about just fantasizing that the person in bed with you still has the body they did when younger? The whole point is to enjoy the bonding time with the spouse you actually have.

 

Personally I'm stuck at the moment with nursing hormones that leave me with zero interest in tEa regardless of how attractive a partner might be. We make do.

 

I do not see what your open and honest conversation is going to accomplish other than making spouse feel insecure and unattractive.

[8circles]

How do you propose to get someone else to not be bothered by something?

 

I propose that someone who is bothered by shallow things spend some time in reflection, exploring why these shallow things have become so important to them. So that they can do the work to change themselves for the better.

 

Let's be clear:

Weight gain can impact one's health & daily activities in a negative way. 

Caring about the weight gain of the person who you've chosen to love through ups & downs, to the point of it making them unattractive to you - is a pretty big negative on one's character.

 

They are both, clearly, negatives. 

[Scarlett]

I do think our thoughts lead to actions.

 

In this case, the action just might be an enjoyable tEa party with one's spouse.

 

I don't see how fantasizing that my spouse was, say, Superman, would somehow lead me astray--it is not as if I'm going to actually run off with Superman! How about just fantasizing that the person in bed with you still has the body they did when younger? The whole point is to enjoy the bonding time with the spouse you actually have.

 

Personally I'm stuck at the moment with nursing hormones that leave me with zero interest in tEa regardless of how attractive a partner might be. We make do.

 

I do not see what your open and honest conversation is going to accomplish other than making spouse feel insecure and unattractive.

What it might accomplish is the overweight spouse learns how important it is to the other spouse. And maybe overweight spouse will care enough about what is important to his/her mate that overweight spouse will lose the weight.