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25 yo man interested in 15 year old girl.


Scarlett
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I think that the real issue here is "what can you do about it". It's unfortunate that the two principals involved are being isolated and shunned by their peers. I think that can often drive people even closer together. It would be better if these young people had mentors from the church who reached out to them. It doesn't have to be an "intervention" type of situation but perhaps an older woman who mentors the younger and helps her to see her options in schooling and encourages her to try new things. Or an older man who mentors the adult man and helps him to grow up some more. The goal would be to help them both to truly mature emotionally and to hopefully help the girl to put off marriage until she is older (if she's still even interested in him later).

 

 

Just as an aside, I wonder if the 25 year old is an Aspie? There is the fact that often Aspies are 3 years or so behind in emotional and social development. So developmentally this man might be more like a 22 year old or even younger. He may be attracted to a younger woman because of that and not because of being a creep per se. And he might not be able to see the issues in dating a minor.

I don't think he is an Aspie. I Think he is immature in the same way she is, but they both appear mature to a lot of people bcause they have checked all the boxes off of what to do next earlier than most people.

 

None of their friends want to be responsible for chaperoning them.....because one they disapprove since she is a child and two they don't admit they are actually dating. So the big group of kids stopped inviting them to things....and at the same time the two sets of parents are always doing things with them so I doubt they even notice their friends at all.

 

I think with the parents obviously condoning it in actions if not words that there is nothing to be done. And I do think it is mostly none of my business...I just wanted an outside perspective to see if my viewpoint was off or not.

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I am with Hornblower. The fact that he is interested in a 15yo sets off all of the warning bells and in all likelihood, we'd be starting family therapy and relocating cross-country.

 

If I were to try to look at this through a different lens, if he truly respected her, he would wait....and be encouraging her to continue her education while he solidified his finances. Waiting 3 more years to start a relationship shows self-control and maturity.

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If they are romantically interested in each other and spending time together ehat would you call that?

I’d call that relationship encouragement. And yes, that would still be dating to many people. It’s not like someone isn’t dating just because someone else is around. That’s a bizarre concept to me.

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I don't want to reveal too much personal info here, but my own parents were very much of the thinking that the job of girls is to get married and raise a family. When I was extremely young, they permitted a guy who was much older than me to "be my boyfriend." I have often thought about that. I don't know why they didn't think it was seriously alarming that this guy was interested in "being my boyfriend."

 

i have a serious beef with raising girls with only the tools and focus to be good wives and mothers, although it is certainly great to be a wife and mother.

 

We want both daughters and sons grow up to be mommies and daddies.  we also expect daughters and sons to get a marketable  education.

I have a problem with parents who send their daughters to college primarily for a mrs. degree.

 

I'm 40. My wife is 27. We have been together 8 years. By your formula, we shouldn't be together.

 

Sent from my SM-G935P using Tapatalk

 

same here.  I wouldn't be with my husband with that formula.

 

 

 

Yeah, I know Elvis was 25 and Priscilla was 14....but still weird.

 

they also ended up divorced, even if he did wait until she was of age to marry her.  what were her parents thinking . . .

 

It took my parents a good five years or so, but they finally admitted to me that I knew better and made a fantastic decision in marrying my older husband. His parents also finally said as much a few years ago. I know it was difficult for both sets to be supportive for different reasons, and from the outside I think they thought we were desperate, crazy, or both. None of that was the case, of course, but I can see that side of it and respect the concerns.

 

 

This is why legal adulthood exists though - it’s that somewhat arbitrary but still clean barrier that makes a situation like this more clear cut. No until she has matured and is recognized as an independent adult.

 

same here.  My mom admitted I made a good choice.  (which probably didn't mean much coming from my mom considering how many bad choices she made.)

 

you guys know I'm the 'ban guns gal' but if ever there was a situation screaming for "chase him off with a shotgun" this is it. 

 

And who cares what was normal historically? Historically we burned witches, considered unmarried 25 yo women spinsters, and sent little children to work in mines. So what. 

 

This is borderline abuse of this young woman, cutting short all her opportunities and choices and potentially completely trapping her. If the family/church has the money, I'd send this girl away to volunteer somewhere abroad for 3-6 months, then insist she go to college for at least an associates, or get some training/certificate/diploma which is linked to work opportunities.

 

 

 

you left out the shovel.

dh's favorite line from clueless:  I have a 45 and a shovel. you won't be missed.

 

I would also get her involved in more educational opportunities - and then after hours volunteer/classes/etc. so they have little time together because she is busy.

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My entire household would flip the hell oit

 

Because 15.

 

Because high school.

 

Because I said so.

 

Just. No. Nope. Not happening. Not okay.

 

The acceptable and gentlemanly thing to do is let her be for now and if luck is on his side, in 3-5 years maybe initiate a date and see where things go.

 

A guy who cares about her, and has any sense or maturity at all, would recognize that she does not share his life experience yet and should be given a chance to do so.

 

Two teens who fall in love is somewhat different to me bc they are on the same playing field of that makes any sense. And even then, any talk of marriage would be after high school and possibly college.

 

I’m curious to know what family dynamic has been developed to make this seem acceptable to the parties involved.

I can't figure it out. I am just scratching my head over all of them thinking this is ok.

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 I am not opposed to early marriage. If I had it to do over, I would have married at 19 to a 32yo man who had a a lot to offer and was marriage minded. We were exceptionally well matched. We did not pursue the relationship solely because of my age. In retrospect, that was a stupid reason.

 

19 is VERY different from 15.

 

I'm not against youngish marriage but I am against minors marrying except when there's a pregnancy and the groom is no more than 5 years older than the bride.

 

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When we were living in Brooklyn, we went to a Muslim picnic and there were a bunch of Yemeni high school girls there.  Two that I met had gotten married at 16 (the grooms were 16-17 too).  That's very normal for their culture....but it was so weird for me.  The couple would move in with one of the families, continue schooling, etc.  I've worked a bit on child marriage, and it always surprises people to learn that while it may be illegal in many countries, it is not in the US.  It's still a big problem.  Kudos to India for basically just passing a law that says a child bride cannot consent to sex...and yes, this would include a 16 year old.  Child marriage includes a massive increase in risk for domestic violence.  

 

If I was the parent, I would want guarantees on her finishing high school and college, including a long acting form of birth control such as the implant until that time.  Pill has too much user error.

 

Even then, I'd find it weird.  Really weird and disturbing.   Honestly, if it was my daughter, we'd consider moving far far away if we couldn't get the creep to leave her alone.  If it was my  son, I would say....."you go away until she is at least 18, preferably older."  Period.

 

Yeah, I know Elvis was 25 and Priscilla was 14....but still weird.

 

I think Elvis and Priscilla was the very definition of weird!  :laugh:

 

 

Sorry, but I'm just a country bumpkin. The 3 Ss would apply here.

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I don't find it creepy, but I think it's a problem, and there are some concerns beyond that as well.  

 

I don't really think a sexual and mental attraction under those circumstances is weird, it's actually pretty natural.  And I am not really of the view that relationships with age gaps are a problem - I don't think partners necessarily need to be in the same phase of life, or have similar hobbies or interests, etc.  A 15 year old girl and 25 year old man actually seem pretty intellectually similar to me, (sorry men).  

 

In some places and times, it might actually be a good gap and ages to look at marriage.

 

However - right now, there are issues.  Legal, obviously.  Life choices are very wide open in our society, and so are values in many ways compared to the past, and the girl is not really a t the point she can start making them. She needs a bit more time to get them sorted, to think about her values, and so on.

 

I think by the same token, if the boy is on the immature side, he might stay that way, as someone up-thread mentioned.

 

Ideally, I think he'd do something else for a bit, and then in three or four years they could revisit things.  I have known people with that same age gap that worked out - my friend's parents started sating when she was 16, and he was 26, they have three kids and are still married.  They seem happy enough though I guess you need can tell.  My aunt and uncle were a similar gap but 17 and 27 when they married.  They are still a couple, though when they were younger I think it was rocky.

 

If they are really committed to wanting to not see other people, and see each other, I think that maybe managing the situation is going to be the best option.  I might in that case insist on waiting until she is 16, and then have very strict guidelines for dating until 18 or 19.  Something like Gaga mentioned on the first page.

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I'm 40. My wife is 27. We have been together 8 years. By your formula, we shouldn't be together.

 

LOL. It's more of a guideline than a strict rule. You've never heard of it before?

 

At any rate, even if we say it's a strict rule, being off by 4 years when the younger one is 19 is different from being off by 4 or 5 years when the younger one is 15. Those 4 years take up a much bigger percentage of your life at 15 than 19!

 

Heck, even if it was some enormous gap, like, if you had been 60 when you met and she was 19, there's still a big difference in that 19 years of age is a legal adult, and has matured a lot since the age of 15!

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I'm having trouble understanding the parents. Everyone else who knows them is icked out, and for good reason - our culture does not raise kids to be ready for marriage at such a young age, especially not to someone with so much more life experience. Do they secretly want to see her married off young? Do they have trouble saying no? Why did they graduate her so early, with such an easy program, just to do some low-level work? I can't wrap my head around what they're thinking unless they quietly support that sort of thing (Dominionism? I hadn't heard of it before this thread). It's good to know that their church doesn't, but that doesn't they don't personally believe it. People can pick  up a lot of crazy stuff from the internet...

 

If it were my kid, I'd tell the man that if he truly loves and cares for her, he'll wait for just a few more years (it can happen). Then I'd send that girl off to college, traveling, volunteering abroad, visiting relatives...anything to broaden her horizons. It would be a real shame if she married young and then in a decade or two blamed her parents for not protecting and guiding her through this. That's their ultimate responsibility, after all.

 

Lastly, these "very mature girls," well, often aren't. I think they have a good head on their shoulders and make fewer dumb choices than their peers, but they still can make dumb choices, and still have to go through the same developmental stages everyone else does. And that's before just plain old life experience! But they might wind up facing these developmental stages alone, because they're So Mature and have fewer supports in place.

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As a former mature girl who Has a mature girl, I can also say that, while "we" are mature on an intellectual/ executive functioning level, emotionally mature girls are their age. So we end up over our heads and unable to cope with it. This is particularly true in a dating relationship when the older member doesn't understand or over estimates the emotional maturity. It can be a mess.

 

Moving is not as easy as some blithely state.

 

My biggest concern is the power differential. She likely sees him as all knowing. That puts her in a vulnerable position.

 

Also, sometimes parents make decisions on how to handle situations like this based on information that is shared with few people. We made a decision to keep an older interested boy in our daughters life for reasons I won't share here. It was the right way to handle our particular situation (and we had professional help). But I am sure it wouldn't have looked that way to any of you.

 

It may also not apply to this situation, but I'm learning to consider that many times odd decisions made by folks could be right and I just don't know everything.

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To be fair they don’t always know they’re younger. And girls don’t always disclose. One of my partners thought I was in my early twenties by appearance, behavior, work/education experience. He didn’t realize he was literally twice my age until I told him well after we’d bonded and been involved. In hindsight I feel bad for him - he was mortified and worried about legal ramifications and appropriately pulled back at that point.

 

That doesn’t appear to be the case here, but it isn’t really cut and dried depending on the situation and the young lady involved. I really hope my daughters don’t end up making similar choices, whether that makes me a hypocrite or not :o

It doesn't make you a hypocrite. It means you learned something and could help your kids avoid mistakes you felt you made, or handle things in a different way. It's hard to help our kids avoid all our mistakes, so we try to hit hard on important ones.

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Contact what authority? There is no "you can't be friends (even quasi dating) but with no sexual contact " authority.

Exactly. There is no crime here. They aren't going to let her be alone with him.

 

But they are encouraging the relationship.....and when I say they I mean both sets of parents.

 

I had a little nagging feeling a year ago when the man's mother invited the girl on a family trip....then the man came home from a 3 year long volunteering assignment and I saw her flirting with him.....that is when it all started falling together to me. Then I asked the girls mom if they were dating and she flat out said no.

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I have seen relationships that started that way that have been very successful long-term relationships and I have seen relationships that started that way that have ended in disaster. 

  

I would wonder if the parents 1) really know them and realize that while there may be some flirtation, the two are not seriously interested in pursuing a relationship at this point, 2) somehow think that they could be a potential long-term match, oe 3) do not think it is a good idea but see little good coming from banning a relationship, so they are deciding to stay close by, letting the couple learn some of the problems associated with the relationship under a watchful eye. 

 

It would definitely raise concerns if it were my daughter.  But, a bigger concern to me would be graduating a 15 year old from high school without some concrete plan of "what next"  Even bright students who are working ahead of grade level can benefit from continued high school education at that point in their life.      

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I don't think he is an Aspie. I Think he is immature in the same way she is, but they both appear mature to a lot of people bcause they have checked all the boxes off of what to do next earlier than most people.

 

None of their friends want to be responsible for chaperoning them.....because one they disapprove since she is a child and two they don't admit they are actually dating. So the big group of kids stopped inviting them to things....and at the same time the two sets of parents are always doing things with them so I doubt they even notice their friends at all.

 

I think with the parents obviously condoning it in actions if not words that there is nothing to be done. And I do think it is mostly none of my business...I just wanted an outside perspective to see if my viewpoint was off or not.

So a 25 year old was hanging out with a group of teenagers?? Bizarre.

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Exactly. There is no crime here. They aren't going to let her be alone with him.

But they are encouraging the relationship.....and when I say they I mean both sets of parents.

I had a little nagging feeling a year ago when the man's mother invited the girl on a family trip....then the man came home from a 3 year long volunteering assignment and I saw her flirting with him.....that is when it all started falling together to me. Then I asked the girls mom if they were dating and she flat out said no.

I have been following this thread and focusing on how weird the girl's parents were for not kicking the 25yo to the curb and telling him to stay away from their daughter, but after reading this post, I'm thinking the guy's parents are even weirder.

 

What parents in their right minds would actively encourage their 25yo son to pursue a romantic relationship with a 15yo girl? And she would have only been 14 when the camping trip took place, which makes it even creepier. :ack2:

 

So here's what I want to know: What's wrong with this guy? Seriously. His parents are apparently ready to marry him off to anyone. Does he have a psychological problem or is he mentally challenged to the point where they figure no adult woman would ever be attracted to him? How pathetically immature is this guy? I'm honestly wondering if there's something not quite right about the guy, so his parents want him to marry someone who's too young to realize it.

 

No normal parents of a normal 25yo man would fix up their son with a 15yo (and again, apparently she was 14 when they started encouraging her to be attracted to their son. And no normal 25yo man I have ever known would have welcomed the idea of his parents being that involved in his romantic life. Something is definitely very wrong here.

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Well it is PENN Foster so you can look at their curriculum. From what I hear it is super easy, so for a motivated kid it isn't that difficult to do in a year. Plus she was already working a year ahead before she got to high school...

 

I had a look.  It looks very, very basic: 0.5 credit for "orientation".  Full credit for "reading skills", full credit for "word and excel".  The core math courses are elementary and middle school level.  There are a very few more advanced-looking electives.  No calc or stats or foreign language.  This does not appear to be a school for the gifted. 

 

To have one's 15 year old blow through this in a year and then call them "graduated" gives the impression that one does not place much value on education.

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Finishing high school in a year and graduating early is not that uncommon. I'm not sure why so many people are reacting so poorly to that. Colleges, vocational schools, and employers will accept a young graduate. 

 

It would certainly be usual here in my corner of Canada.  I have never heard of it happening.

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I had a look.  It looks very, very basic: 0.5 credit for "orientation".  Full credit for "reading skills", full credit for "word and excel".  The core math courses are elementary and middle school level.  There are a very few more advanced-looking electives.  No calc or stats or foreign language.  This does not appear to be a school for the gifted. 

 

To have one's 15 year old blow through this in a year and then call them "graduated" gives the impression that one does not place much value on education.

  

 

 

Even a truly gifted kid isn't going to blow through 4 YEARS of science, math, and English credits in one year. They may do higher levels, or AP, but gifted kids aren't doing high school in one year. Maybe they do it younger, but it still takes time and tests and homework and papers. These parents sound like fools.

 

I was in this situation at 13. There was much sneaking around. But it really wasn't serious. 

My parents reacted the way most people here are. It came to physical violence. That was horrible and scarring. 

Honestly, I think would have been better to let it run it's course. By the time my parents found out, he was already leaving me. There was nothing to gain by turning it into something huge and terrible and damaging. 

If this comes about for my Tori, I am sure that we will handle it the way this family is. Especially if she is mature for her age and finished with school.

I am not opposed to early marriage. If I had it to do over, I would have married at 19 to a 32yo man who had a a lot to offer and was marriage minded. We were exceptionally well matched. We did not pursue the relationship solely because of my age. In retrospect, that was a stupid reason. 

I'm sure this is a super unpopular opinion, but having lived it, I think I have the maybe slightly more insight than others who are quick to condemn. 

Edit: In my situation, I had just turned 13 when we got together. He expressed interest when I was still 12. He was 23/24. We were together almost a year.

 

I wouldn't consider you more insightful for getting caught up in this type of situation. I would actually consider you less objective for normalizing it.

 

This is all terrifying to me. The people who have 'made it work' are rare. The fact that they remained married could (hopefully) mean true love, or it could mean that the woman is financially trapped with no way to care for herself or her children without the man. Her choices are marriage or poverty. EVERYONE believes that they will make it work and be married forever, or they wouldn't get married. The girl the OP mentions will have zero chance of knowing herself as an adult or be able to make this decision as an adult if she marries as a CHILD. Three years is a LONG time at that age.

 

I WANT everyone here who married before adulthood to be the exception because I feel a little attached to your stories. Exceptions are just so very rare. I've seen so many marriages blow apart just after the ten year mark that it's terrifying to think of someone in her twenties, with a large family, facing a divorce with no education or marketable skills. When you've spent 15+ years on homeschooling boards and have 'seen' this play out over and over its HARD to think of child marriage as anything but a bad idea. If this girl marries at 16, she could have four kids by the time she's 25! How is a man who doesn't get that 15-year-olds are not dating material going to pull it together to raise children???

 

I am so relieved that my daughter had very little dating drama in high school and is almost out of college with no plan to marry her (very nice) boyfriend any time soon. It has to be HARD for parents to watch this play out. I'm stunned that the girl's family is fine with it.

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I'm stunned that the man's parents are in on it. Inviting a 14 year old unrelated girl on a family vacation? Come to think of it, family vacations for the 20-something crowd seem rather rare.

 

It just makes me wonder if there's a problem with him. OR both sets of parents agree that this is a worthy marriage model.

 

I know a handful of cases with a wide age difference and youngish (but not quite child) bride, and in fully half of them, the man is now angry with the wife for having the temerity to, you know, get older. :001_rolleyes: How dare she disrespect him like that.

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Exactly. There is no crime here. They aren't going to let her be alone with him.

 

But they are encouraging the relationship.....and when I say they I mean both sets of parents.

 

I had a little nagging feeling a year ago when the man's mother invited the girl on a family trip....then the man came home from a 3 year long volunteering assignment and I saw her flirting with him.....that is when it all started falling together to me. Then I asked the girls mom if they were dating and she flat out said no.

Fourteen?? A vacation trip???

 

My disdain for these parents can only be represented with scientific notation!

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So a 25 year old was hanging out with a group of teenagers?? Bizarre.

There are all ages that hang out together. I would say from 14 up to the newly married couple who are 20/30. That isnt weird to me. One of my ds17s best friends is 23. And my ds is super close to the married couple too. He was friends with both of them before they were married. And part of this is that a lot of them are cousins.

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I can't figure it out. I am just scratching my head over all of them thinking this is ok.

You said she's a late in life child. Maybe they just want to see her settled and provided for before they kick off? Maybe they want grandchildren and the clock is ticking?

 

Not trying to sound morbid, just really wondering what's blinded them to rational thinking.

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I'm stunned that the man's parents are in on it. Inviting a 14 year old unrelated girl on a family vacation? Come to think of it, family vacations for the 20-something crowd seem rather rare.

 

It just makes me wonder if there's a problem with him. OR both sets of parents agree that this is a worthy marriage model.

 

I know a handful of cases with a wide age difference and youngish (but not quite child) bride, and in fully half of them, the man is now angry with the wife for having the temerity to, you know, get older. :001_rolleyes: How dare she disrespect him like that.

The man's mother has a niece who is friends with the girl. She and her husband took the two girls to NYC and they met up with their son for part of the time. Mdo it looked like it a nice thing to do for the girl and the niece. And while she is unrelated we are a close group and they have known her since birth.

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You said she's a late in life child. Maybe they just want to see her settled and provided for before they kick off? Maybe they want grandchildren and the clock is ticking?

 

Not trying to sound morbid, just really wondering what's blinded them to rational thinking.

This has crossed my mind and honestly it is the best explanation I have got for otherwise rational and good parents. And likewise the man is an only child and his dad is very very sick and I think the mom just wants him settled close to her. I know she was so worried that he would not come home from his volunteer assignment.

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I think what S is describing is a smallish and close-knit religious community. Higher education is not highly valued and parents want kids to marry within the faith and there are limited options locally.

Well I guess describe locally. We live 45 minutes to a big city and there are lots and lots of young women there who are of marrying age.

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Even a truly gifted kid isn't going to blow through 4 YEARS of science, math, and English credits in one year. They may do higher levels, or AP, but gifted kids aren't doing high school in one year. Maybe they do it younger, but it still takes time and tests and homework and papers. These parents sound like fools.

 

 

I wouldn't consider you more insightful for getting caught up in this type of situation. I would actually consider you less objective for normalizing it.

 

This is all terrifying to me. The people who have 'made it work' are rare. The fact that they remained married could (hopefully) mean true love, or it could mean that the woman is financially trapped with no way to care for herself or her children without the man. Her choices are marriage or poverty. EVERYONE believes that they will make it work and be married forever, or they wouldn't get married. The girl the OP mentions will have zero chance of knowing herself as an adult or be able to make this decision as an adult if she marries as a CHILD. Three years is a LONG time at that age.

 

I WANT everyone here who married before adulthood to be the exception because I feel a little attached to your stories. Exceptions are just so very rare. I've seen so many marriages blow apart just after the ten year mark that it's terrifying to think of someone in her twenties, with a large family, facing a divorce with no education or marketable skills. When you've spent 15+ years on homeschooling boards and have 'seen' this play out over and over its HARD to think of child marriage as anything but a bad idea. If this girl marries at 16, she could have four kids by the time she's 25! How is a man who doesn't get that 15-year-olds are not dating material going to pull it together to raise children???

 

I am so relieved that my daughter had very little dating drama in high school and is almost out of college with no plan to marry her (very nice) boyfriend any time soon. It has to be HARD for parents to watch this play out. I'm stunned that the girl's family is fine with it.

I don't think I said she is gifted. She is a smart girl but a lot of kids are capable of blowing through Penn Foster in a year. It is only a 3 year program to start with.

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I have been following this thread and focusing on how weird the girl's parents were for not kicking the 25yo to the curb and telling him to stay away from their daughter, but after reading this post, I'm thinking the guy's parents are even weirder.

 

What parents in their right minds would actively encourage their 25yo son to pursue a romantic relationship with a 15yo girl? And she would have only been 14 when the camping trip took place, which makes it even creepier. :ack2:

 

So here's what I want to know: What's wrong with this guy? Seriously. His parents are apparently ready to marry him off to anyone. Does he have a psychological problem or is he mentally challenged to the point where they figure no adult woman would ever be attracted to him? How pathetically immature is this guy? I'm honestly wondering if there's something not quite right about the guy, so his parents want him to marry someone who's too young to realize it.

 

No normal parents of a normal 25yo man would fix up their son with a 15yo (and again, apparently she was 14 when they started encouraging her to be attracted to their son. And no normal 25yo man I have ever known would have welcomed the idea of his parents being that involved in his romantic life. Something is definitely very wrong here.

He really isn't weird. I thought he was a pretty good young man until this came up.

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I don't think I said she is gifted. She is a smart girl but a lot of kids are capable of blowing through Penn Foster in a year. It is only a 3 year program to start with.

Perhaps this is why she's not proceeding to higher level studies. Doesn't sound like her diploma would be recognized as legit by a state school, she's too young to register for CC as an independent adult, and since she's graduated, she doesn't qualify as a dual enrollment student.

 

Not sending this guy packing isn't the first mistake of these parents. That is preceeded by shortchanging their daughter's education. I am sad for her.

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Perhaps this is why she's not proceeding to higher level studies. Doesn't sound like her diploma would be recognized as legit by a state school, she's too young to register for CC as an independent adult, and since she's graduated, she doesn't qualify as a dual enrollment student.

 

Not sending this guy packing isn't the first mistake of these parents. That is preceeded by shortchanging their daughter's education. I am sad for her.

Penn Foster is recognized. She had a high school education before she started PF honestly. PF was to bet a diploma.

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Maybe this is all a straightforward little drama: guy and girl in a small town and small religious community fall in love, but their ages are unfortunately a little outside the currently accepted norms. Both were late-in-life babies and their parents just want to see them married off and producing grandchildren. Everyone's a little blind, but has essentially good intentions. Fine. Maybe.

 

The thing is, it's the girl who has the most to lose in this. No one, amid all the red flags, is lifting a finger to protect her. The man should man-up and tell her he's coming back for her in three years. "Sorry about the delay in grandbabies, Mom, but she means a lot to me and I'm not going to take her childhood away from her." At the very least.

 

And that's even before we get into the matter of her seriously neglected education. Bright 15-year-olds should be learning more, not spinning their wheels at the types of jobs 15-year-olds can get. Even if it's the case that their community doesn't value higher education, it hurts the rest of us who school outside of a b&m setting. But again, it's the girl who winds up hurt.

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Penn Foster is recognized. She had a high school education before she started PF honestly. PF was to bet a diploma.

At 15 she has graduated from PF, which she did in one year--and had a high school education before she started that--which would mean she would have completed high school by 13 or 14.  I would think a child that is really that advanced would be craving more education.  What do the parents expect her to be doing with her life at this point?

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I don't think I said she is gifted. She is a smart girl but a lot of kids are capable of blowing through Penn Foster in a year. It is only a 3 year program to start with.

I don't think KFP was saying you said she was gifted; I think she was saying even if the explanation for blowing through high school in a year was that she is highly gifted, it still wouldn't explain it, because there's ample high-level materials a gifted teen could learn to occupy her time.

 

I think our fearless leader here, SWB, was described by her mother as pursuing a lot of intelligent pursuits in high school, such as learning Welsh. IOW, Jesse Wise didn't just say, "Oh, goody! A bright one! Let's just make sure she can balance a checkbook, knows the three branches of government and can run an Excel spreadsheet and we'll graduate her."

 

I'm with those who would not hurry the kids through a slap-dash, bare-min high school education so they can graduate at 15 and twiddle their thumbs until they can marry. Gah.

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He really isn't weird. I thought he was a pretty good young man until this came up.

That is exactly how nearly all ‘weird’ men are. How else would they get their prey?

 

Nearly every case of a ‘weird’ guy begins with, “We thought he was a good guy until/except for ___.â€

 

I think this whole situation is BS.

 

I grew up around this crap so I have little patience for normalizing it or talking about it like it’s not really a problem because he is a ‘nice’ guy. No. He isn’t.

 

Nice guys don’t hit on or outwardly show interest in 15 yr olds.

Nice parents don’t purposely screw over a child’s education and ability to navigate adult life bc they are ready to retire or just think moms/wives don’t need education.

 

My 15/16 yr old daughter does not have to deal with grown men 10+ years older than her showing ‘interest’ in her beyond calling them out for being pervs and telling me about it.

 

Just say ‘no’ to putting up with trying to rationalize and normalize this as okay.

 

Eta: and yeah. My parents would have been okay with this for me. And my dh ended up being the only guy within 5 years of my age that I dated. My parents were foolish and selfish and neglectful in their parenting of me to be okay with it. Younger me didn’t know enough to know better. Older me does.

Edited by Murphy101
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I think what S is describing is a smallish and close-knit religious community. Higher education is not highly valued and parents want kids to marry within the faith and there are limited options locally.

this exactly

 

except the small close knit religion actively encourages people to wait to get married until they are "past the bloom of youth" Over 25

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It is not what they have taught her. She is an only child late life baby. I know her parents well and they have encouraged her in many ways to do a lot of things besides marry young. She has always wanted to get married and have babies. Always. I figured she would marry young bcause she wanted...but I have heard her dad say he wouldn't sign for her so young to me would be 18. And I never dreamed they would allow a relationship with a 25 year old man when she is 15.

 

If she is an only and late in life baby, could there be something else going on? Could one or both be sick and want to find somebody to look out for her, so to speak?? Just curious.

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I had a look. It looks very, very basic: 0.5 credit for "orientation". Full credit for "reading skills", full credit for "word and excel". The core math courses are elementary and middle school level. There are a very few more advanced-looking electives. No calc or stats or foreign language. This does not appear to be a school for the gifted.

 

To have one's 15 year old blow through this in a year and then call them "graduated" gives the impression that one does not place much value on education.

Algebra, Algebra 2, Geometry and Chemistry are all college prep electives in this program. Wow.

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In an environment where early teens through married late 20's are routinely hanging around together, where entire families socialize together, and in which girls in their young teens are said to have completed high school (and thus, to some degree, ushered into adulthood) I do not find it surprising that a 15 year old and a 25 year old might find themselves attracted to each other.  I am not suggesting that there are not potential problems--I just think the likelihood of something like this happening is high in the situation described. 

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He really isn't weird. I thought he was a pretty good young man until this came up.

I'm sorry, but I still believe that something has to be wrong with both him and his family.

 

What reasonable, rational, normal explanation could there possibly be for his parents to encourage this -- to the point where they took a 14yo girl on a camping trip with them so their then-24yo son would be able to spend time with her?

 

That's just plain perverted.

 

There has to be something about these two families that you don't know.

 

And I know they're saying the girl and the guy aren't spending time alone together... but they're also claiming the two of them aren't dating, which is obviously a lie, so I'm not sure the word of either set of parents is particularly credible. I find it hard to imagine that they are never alone together at all, especially when they have already been on a multi-night camping trip together. Sure, his parents were there, but how would anyone know if they let their son spend a little private time with the girl? It's not like anyone else was there to rat them out.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't put anything past parents who would encourage a romantic relationship between their adult son and what was initially a 14 year-old girl. And that's assuming it didn't start sooner than that. :eek:

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All this. I'd send her to live with a relative if I couldn't keep him away. Or send her to college. Or something. 

 

Honestly, it would be made clear to him that he was risking jail time. And explained that jail isn't a fun place for someone convicted of such a thing. 

My entire household would flip the hell oit

Because 15.

Because high school.

Because I said so.

Just. No. Nope. Not happening. Not okay.

The acceptable and gentlemanly thing to do is let her be for now and if luck is on his side, in 3-5 years maybe initiate a date and see where things go.

A guy who cares about her, and has any sense or maturity at all, would recognize that she does not share his life experience yet and should be given a chance to do so.

Two teens who fall in love is somewhat different to me bc they are on the same playing field of that makes any sense. And even then, any talk of marriage would be after high school and possibly college.

I’m curious to know what family dynamic has been developed to make this seem acceptable to the parties involved.

 

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I think someone needs to let his parents know, "hey, your ADULT son could end up on the sex offender registry over this 15yo. Is that what you really want?"

"But hey, they're not dating and they're religious and they're totally chaste, so that doesn't apply to our son. What could possibly go wrong?" :rolleyes:

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