gardenmom5 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 They won't leave the area. I think that is one of the reason the parents are encouraging this. They want them close. my grandparents had no desire to move away from their families. then WWII broke out, and everything changed. they had planned on moving back after the war was over - that didn't happen either. they can plan on staying - that doens't mean things won't happens that requires them to move. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I wouldn't, either. :) Why would she go away to college? Aren't there any colleges within commuting distance? today - there are many LEGITIMATE colleges offering online programs. (not as many as a B&M). not having a local school is not longer a hindrance. My dsil got his MBA from ASU online. it's a real school - with a real campus. (he did one of his undergrads there.) and many online options. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 today - there are many LEGITIMATE colleges offering online programs. (not as many as a B&M). not having a local school is not longer a hindrance. My dsil got his MBA from ASU online. it's a real school - with a real campus. (he did one of his undergrads there.) and many online options. I was thinking of online programs, too, but if one of the goals is to help her meet other people so she doesn't feel as though Mr. 25 Year-Old is her only option, it might be better if she was on campus so she could make friends. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 my grandparents had no desire to move away from their families. then WWII broke out, and everything changed. they had planned on moving back after the war was over - that didn't happen either. they can plan on staying - that doens't mean things won't happens that requires them to move. That's true. I don't know what kind of work he does, but sometimes there might be no choice but to move if his company closes down or he can't make enough money at his current job. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 I was thinking of online programs, too, but if one of the goals is to help her meet other people so she doesn't feel as though Mr. 25 Year-Old is her only option, it might be better if she was on campus so she could make friends. I guess you might have the idea she doesn't meet a lot of people. She does. She is involved in many projects that take her to big crowds of people. And I doubt she feels the 25 year old is her only option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 That's true. I don't know what kind of work he does, but sometimes there might be no choice but to move if his company closes down or he can't make enough money at his current job. Barring a catastrophic event I imagine he will never leave this town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I guess you might have the idea she doesn't meet a lot of people. She does. She is involved in many projects that take her to big crowds of people. And I doubt she feels the 25 year old is her only option. It's good that she meets people, but college classmates would provide a different type of relationship for her, and being in college classrooms would be a new environment for her, as well. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I guess you might have the idea she doesn't meet a lot of people. She does. She is involved in many projects that take her to big crowds of people. And I doubt she feels the 25 year old is her only option. it's interesting you asked us our opinions to see if this was as odd to us as it seemed to be to you. this isn't your daughter, nor your son. You have no role, except as outside observer. what is your personal belief regarding education for daughters? what about sons? how much math? how much science? how much history? I'm really very curious. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 They won't leave the area. I think that is one of the reason the parents are encouraging this. They want them close. I completely understand that sentiment. And still think it’s atrociously selfish and short-sighted. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Barring a catastrophic event I imagine he will never leave this town. Will the girl be okay with that, or do you think she may want a little more adventure as she gets a bit older? I know this sounds mean, but it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot to offer her. He doesn't sound particularly upwardly mobile, so it sounds like it may turn out to be kind of a dead end life for her if she ends up with him. I'm sorry to sound so negative about the guy, but from what you've said about her, it seems like she could do a lot better. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 it's interesting you asked us our opinions to see if this was as odd to us as it seemed to be to you. this isn't your daughter, nor your son. You have no role, except as outside observer. what is your personal belief regarding education for daughters? what about sons? how much math? how much science? how much history? I'm really very curious. I asked opinions about a 25 year old being romantically interested in a 15 year old. I asked because I wanted to know if I was over reacting. I wasn't. Almost every one on this thread agrees 15 is waaaay too young especially for a 25 year old. Then as happens a lot and is fine, the thread went down a bunch of rabbit trails. I don't have a spcific belief about education for daughters vs sons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Will the girl be okay with that, or do you think she may want a little more adventure as she gets a bit older? I know this sounds mean, but it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot to offer her. He doesn't sound particularly upwardly mobile, so it sounds like it may turn out to be kind of a dead end life for her if she ends up with him. I'm sorry to sound so negative about the guy, but from what you've said about her, it seems like she could do a lot better. Well she is 15 and still a child, but she is not particularly adventurous. He is probably much more so than her. He just got home from a 3 year volunteer project. He has a certification that he got before he left and he has a good job. I wouldn't classify that as some loser. I just think he is an adult and she is a child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 I completely understand that sentiment. And still think it’s atrociously selfish and short-sighted. I do too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Well she is 15 and still a child, but she is not particularly adventurous. He is probably much more so than her. He just got home from a 3 year volunteer project. He has a certification that he got before he left and he has a good job. I wouldn't classify that as some loser. I just think he is an adult and she is a child. Well... a 25 year old man who is romantically involved with a 15 year old child is not my definition of a winner. And really, it's even worse that he was away from home for 3 years and then got involved with a 15yo when he got back. Shouldn't he have matured in all that time? Should his parents still be fixing him up with dates? I'm not sure how you can defend anything about him. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 They won't leave the area. I think that is one of the reason the parents are encouraging this. They want them close. I never planned to leave the area in which I grew up. DH also promised we wouldn't. Guess what? We're 1500 miles away. Jobs dry up. Economies tank. Family relationships sour. Circumstances change. Encouraging such an inappropriate relationship for a child because you want to keep them close is short-sighted and selfish at best. I know you don't support it, but these parents are kidding themselves. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Well... a 25 year old man who is romantically involved with a 15 year old child is not my definition of a winner. And really, it's even worse that he was away from home for 3 years and then got involved with a 15yo when he got back. Shouldn't he have matured in all that time? Should his parents still be fixing him up with dates? I'm not sure how you can defend anything about him. I am trying to explain how bizarre the entire thing is. That nothing I have ever known about him would lead me to believe he would be interesed in a 15 yo when he is 25. If he was a weirdo all along it would not be so shocking to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 I never planned to leave the area in which I grew up. DH also promised we wouldn't. Guess what? We're 1500 miles away. Jobs dry up. Economies tank. Family relationships sour. Circumstances change. Encouraging such an inappropriate relationship for a child because you want to keep them close is short-sighted and selfish at best. I know you don't support it, but these parents are kidding themselves. I don't disagree they are kidding themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 We have large groups of young people who hang out together. Especially when you have older siblings with their friends, and younger siblings growing up and participating, I can see how a 10 year age gap could happen. Marriage makes the biggest difference. However, when one is in their mid 20s, they would look at the 15 yos an think of them as babies. This situation is weird. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I am trying to explain how bizarre the entire thing is. That nothing I have ever known about him would lead me to believe he would be interesed in a 15 yo when he is 25. If he was a weirdo all along it would not be so shocking to me. Just because you didn't know until recently doesn't mean he wasn't a weirdo all along. He was. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Thanks everyone for validating that it is a weird deal. The only thing I can figure is that both sets of parents and the 25 yo are deluding themselves into thinking she is more mature than she is because she is smart and well spoken and comes off as mature. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Just because you didn't know until recently doesn't mean he wasn't a weirdo all along. He was. LOL well you could be right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I am trying to explain how bizarre the entire thing is. That nothing I have ever known about him would lead me to believe he would be interesed in a 15 yo when he is 25. If he was a weirdo all along it would not be so shocking to me. That's the thing, though -- how many of us have known people who seemed totally normal or even boring... until we find out something shocking about them? And don't even get me started on the parents. They are beyond bizarre. There is no excuse for what they're doing. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Thanks everyone for validating that it is a weird deal. The only thing I can figure is that both sets of parents and the 25 yo are deluding themselves into thinking she is more mature than she is because she is smart and well spoken and comes off as mature. I think you're looking for a rational explanation when none exists. I'm sure the parents always seemed normal, too, but clearly they are not. If anything, they are even weirder than the guy! I can give the girl more of a pass on this because she's still just a kid and she is probably being influenced by both sets of parents. I feel sorry for her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I don't care how mature they think she is. What she is is 15. And that should be the end of this nonsense for all of them. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 I think you're looking for a rational explanation when none exists. I'm sure the parents always seemed normal, too, but clearly they are not. If anything, they are even weirder than the guy! I can give the girl more of a pass on this because she's still just a kid and she is probably being influenced by both sets of parents. I feel sorry for her. That is what my mom said.....that the girl is the only one not wacked in this situation. Well, I don't think she used the word wacked. LOL. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I don't have a spcific belief about education for daughters vs sons. how much math, how much science, how much history? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 how much math, how much science, how much history? I don't know why you are asking me that. My boys are both in public charters so they take what is outlined by the state. If I was putting together my own program for them it would be more individualized according to their strengths and plans for the future. Their gender doesn't factor into it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 If you know the young man can't you say something? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 (edited) If you know the young man can't you say something? What would I say? I know his adult cousins his age have flat out told him they think it is weird and wrong....he doesn't care. Edited to add---also there is the maddening point that they are all denying there is anything between them. Edited October 18, 2017 by A Red Color Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 How about, "hey perv, go after adults, not kids". LOL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I don't care how mature they think she is. What she is is 15. And that should be the end of this nonsense for all of them. Exactly. She's not even old enough to legally drive. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Exactly. She's not even old enough to legally drive. Bingo! If you aren't old enough to take a driver's ed test, then this should be a clear sign of not being responsible enough to weigh the consequences of dating someone ten years your elder and NOT in your own peer group in terms of life experience and such. This dude is in serious need of a smack down along with the girl's parents! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Bingo! If you aren't old enough to take a driver's ed test, then this should be a clear sign of not being responsible enough to weigh the consequences of dating someone ten years your elder and NOT in your own peer group in terms of life experience and such. This dude is in serious need of a smack down along with the girl's parents! And his parents. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 (edited) http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/podcast/dispatch/child-marriage-in-america/transcript/ I listened to this a little while ago.... about a teenager and an older man. It was interesting because everything made sense at the time, until later and then it seemed like everyone was going "why did this make sense to us?" I think seeing it from the outside you see how strange it is! Edited October 18, 2017 by Lecka 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 What would I say? I know his adult cousins his age have flat out told him they think it is weird and wrong....he doesn't care. Edited to add---also there is the maddening point that they are all denying there is anything between them. Is there any possibility that they are being honest when they deny that there is anything between them? Is it possible that there is simply a close friendship that is more like big brother/little sister? (I know you said he was an only child, but I don't think it has been mentioned whether she has siblings.) I know that you said that the young people that they would generally hang out with have stopped including them in activities. If it is a small town with few outlets for other social interaction, I would have some concern that if there had been some interest or flirtation before, this would actually increase the chances of them beginning to "'date". Some of the suggestions that he needs to move on and do things with people his own age and she needs to be doing the same seems to be difficult in the situation. It seems that it is problematic if they are both at the same social events, but it seems to also be problematic if they are not at the social events (and therefore together with their parents.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1GirlTwinBoys Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I would say I'm about to get the authorities involved and hopefully that would be the last thing I had to say about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I would say I'm about to get the authorities involved and hopefully that would be the last thing I had to say about it. That really wouldn't do any good really. If you can't prove they are having sex, then it isn't illegal. Law enforcement and Social Services is not there to enforce morality, only legality. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I would say I'm about to get the authorities involved and hopefully that would be the last thing I had to say about it. Authorities involved in what? As I said upthread, there are no authorities that deal with large age gaps in celibate friendships even if there is flirting involved. What they are doing now is not illegal. Unwise esp. if the suspicions are correct and the couple do marry with parental consent in a year. But even that is not illegal if the parental consent is given and the daughter is also consenting. There is no law against getting a diploma from Penn Foster at age 15 either. Not only would you be laughed at, you would be taking resources away from legitimate complaints while they looked at your frivolous one. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Right. These laws are about sex. That’s why so few are prosecutable unless she gets pregnant and keeps the baby. There’s little to no proof no matter how much suspension there might be. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Perhaps, maybe several of the men in your church should pull him aside and have a talk. Even better if one was in law enforcement or has a relative in it. They can tell him about how this could ruin things in his life "if" he got into a relationship with a 15 year old at his age. Maybe he needs things spelled out to really see how this is not a good idea and not have his parents there. They could tell him how he could wait a couple of years to see if he is still interested. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Yes! Since so many in your circle of friends are opposed to this, getting some men together to have a "come to Jesus" meeting might work. Hmmm.....I know the situation has been complained about. My husband is next......but I don't think he thought of talking to the young man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Perhaps, maybe several of the men in your church should pull him aside and have a talk. Even better if one was in law enforcement or has a relative in it. They can tell him about how this could ruin things in his life "if" he got into a relationship with a 15 year old at his age. Maybe he needs things spelled out to really see how this is not a good idea and not have his parents there. They could tell him how he could wait a couple of years to see if he is still interested. Yes! I would add some mentor lines like "what kind of man/husband does she deserve? Luckily you have at least 3 years to work on becoming the kind of husband she'll want/God wants you to be." 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Hmmm.....I know the situation has been complained about. My husband is next......but I don't think he thought of talking to the young man. If your DH does this, make sure he has several men do this talk with him. Seeing several men from the church talk about this instead of just one can really get the point across better. Just one may not open his eyes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/podcast/dispatch/child-marriage-in-america/transcript/ I listened to this a little while ago.... about a teenager and an older man. It was interesting because everything made sense at the time, until later and then it seemed like everyone was going "why did this make sense to us?" I think seeing it from the outside you see how strange it is! That was very interesting! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 I was just looking at my middle son - he's 25. I cannot fathom him with a 15 year old. I can't fathom him with a 20 year old. and he's been more emotionally immature and slower to 'grow up'! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 20, 2017 Author Share Posted October 20, 2017 I posted that nor article on my FB. It did not go well. Things are blowing up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 I posted that nor article on my FB. It did not go well. Things are blowing up. Ouch! I am sorry that happened. For what it is worth, I really think your instincts about the situation are correct. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 20, 2017 Author Share Posted October 20, 2017 (edited) Dp Edited October 20, 2017 by A Red Color Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 Dp:(. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 Posting an article shouldn’t in and of itself blow stuff up. By that I mean that anyone hassling the families involved are responsible for their own words. And the families of the girl and young man are responsible for their own actions and reactions. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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