not sure a title for this- relationship with parents

[Elizabeth86]

I have a great relationship with my parents and they are great with my kids. My dh did not have a great relationship with his parents growing up, but he is stuck on trying to have our kids have a relationship with them anyway. His mom was bad, his dad wasnt bad he just wasnt great kwim? Could it be he just hopes they do a better job being a grandparent? I dont like to talk about it unless he brings it up. I just wondered if it was like that for any of you. For the record my kids would never be alone with them. It just gets awkward sometimes. He wants to visit them each week. He. doesnt speak to his mom unless she asks him something. sometimes they just sit there and sleep in their chairs. They arent interested in our kids much, they dont play with them much. They rarely have any meal for us, so we always have to leave to go eat. Its so awkward for me and I dread going over there. Im not sure if this is asking for advice or just whining. Either way, I will take whatever.

[Lecka]

Not just the same -- but over time my husband has been less wishful that his parents would change in ways that would improve our relationship. It is a sad thing for him, he has to come to terms with it in some ways. It takes time.

[Halftime Hope]

If they are able to, could you all take them out of their home, so there is something to do, to focus on, other than sitting in the house doing nothing?  How about picnicking at the park, going for a fall walk, taking in a free outdoor concert, a pretty drive followed by an ice cream cone?

 

Or would they be up for playing family games? Are at least a couple of your kids old enough to play kiddie board games, or Mexican Train, chickenfoot, or Rummikub?  

 

Also, it's ancient history, but we had to explain to my parents the concept of entering a child's world as a reciprocal way of living:  sometimes grandparents join in the child's world and sometimes the grandparents invite the child into theirs and show them how to join in the new activity.  My impression is that the majority of those in older generations were more about inviting children into the adult world.

Edited October 7, 2017 by Halftime Hope

[Guest]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. We eventually accepted reality

[Elizabeth86]

Every week??? Wow! I think visiting maybe once a month, at most, might make them a little more talkative and engaged when y’all visit. Once a week is a lot. Too much, really, unless y’all are extremely close.

See I think the thing is, me and the kids visit my parents once a week and really enjoy our time together. i suppose it is maybe dh wishing they had what we had. As the kids are getting older we miss a week here and there, but he still aims to go there weekly.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Growing up my mother kept trying to have a relationship with her mother.  No matter how big of an arse she was, she still kept trying.  I never understood it. 

 

Right now...well my MIL lives in Germany (FIL Is no longer living).  My mother is no longer alive and my dad lives in another state.  The kids do have a relationship with their grandfather, but not so much with the grandmother (due to distance).  But..that's it.   My poor kids have no extended family members.  No cousins...no nothin. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

See I think the thing is, me and the kids visit my parents once a week and really enjoy our time together. i suppose it is maybe dh wishing they had what we had. As the kids are getting older we miss a week here and there, but he still aims to go there weekly.

 

It seems possible that he doesn't see it the same way you do.  He knows what his parents are like and those are his parents and that's how they are and they aren't being unusual.  From your POV you are like what is wrong with these bricks. 

[Elizabeth86]

If they are able to, could you all take them out of their home, so there is something to do, to focus on, other than sitting in the house doing nothing? How about picnicking at the park, going for a fall walk, taking in a free outdoor concert, a pretty drive followed by an ice cream cone?

 

Or would they be up for playing family games? Are at least a couple of your kids old enough to play kiddie board games, or Mexican Train, chickenfoot, or Rummikub?

 

Also, it's ancient history, but we had to explain to my parents the concept of entering a child's world as a reciprocal way of living: sometimes grandparents join in the child's world and sometimes the grandparents invite the child into theirs and show them how to join in the new activity. My impression is that the majority of those in older generations were more about inviting children into the adult world.

We do this sometimes, but still...ugh ya know. They always do ok with the littlest one, but for instance our boys like pokemon and they arent interested in hearing about. My fil only enjoys his interests and if our kids arent interested then oh well.

[Elizabeth86]

I mean I feel bad sometimes because I treat them like inlaws. My mother adordered her mil and dil and they adored her, so I always grew up thinking your spouses family was the same as your own and I wish it were this way. but when dh tells me how they treated him as a child it makes me want to not be a part of their life with my kids.

[catz]

Is he visiting every time you see your parents?  I'd let him do it and take charge and say you want to use that time as time to catch up around the house.  Not every grandparent is the giggly play on the floor type and that's ok.  I'd go over once a month.  Let him stop by with the kids weekly. Or invite them to dinner at your house once a month so at least you're in your own space and have something to organize a visit around. 

Edited October 7, 2017 by WoolySocks

[Elizabeth86]

It seems possible that he doesn't see it the same way you do. He knows what his parents are like and those are his parents and that's how they are and they aren't being unusual. From your POV you are like what is wrong with these bricks.

No he gets frustrated witb their. behavior and says lets get tbe hell out of here and what is wrong with then ALL the time, but he keeps going back for more.

[Elizabeth86]

Is he visiting every time you see your parents? I'd let him do it and take charge and say you want to use that time as time to catch up around the house. Not every grandparent is the giggly play on the floor type and that's ok. I'd go over once a month. Let him stop by with the kids weekly. Or invite them to dinner at your house once a month so at least you're in your own space and have something to organize a visit around.

No he doesnt. He would be ok with me staying home. I usually go to supervise. I just dont trust them. 3 kids can divide you up pretty quick and I do not allow my kids alone with them.

[AimeeM]

I think it is both admirable and terribly sad, simultaneously, that your husband wishes for this relationship so badly he's willing to be awkward and miserable to achieve it.

 

I would refuse to go -- and I would refuse to let the children go. It isn't something I've ever done, and I would explain it as gently as humanly possible... and as firmly as possible. That isn't a healthy situation for anyone involved, and his parents are making NO effort.

 

 

 

My husband grew up in a close, tightly-knit family. Even though they bicker like crazy, they all adore each other -- parents and children; aunts and uncles; cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. And they are all close. Always were and still are, even though many of them live quite far from each other. When they get together, it's chaotic and loud, but it's also lovely.

 

It was hard on me at first. Initially I tried to maintain relationships with my family, because I do love them, but the reality is that there is nothing remotely functional or healthy about my relationships with my own family. Most of them were completely cut out of our lives years ago... but it should have been sooner, because the relationships I had with them, and the relationships I tried to allow them to have with my children were as unhealthy as ever and did some real damage. 

 

I can promise you (okay, at least in my experience) that never really knowing certain people does far less emotional damage than knowing them, and knowing that they don't really care about it, especially if you're raised to believe that you "should" care about family, regardless of all else, and that you have an obligation to maintain relationships, no matter how unhealthy.

Edited October 7, 2017 by AimeeM

[Janeway]

Sounds like my relationship with my parents. 

 

If they are not interested, then once a week is way too much. No way. Once a week is already a lot when you have an interested family. But what does he expect..a day a week with your parents, a day a week with his parents...and then when do you fit in your own family time, extra curriculars, friends, school, life, etc? 

 

IF your husband is like me, he wants to go because he is hoping that his parents will finally love him and be the people they should have been. They won't. But, his children could get hurt, the same hurt he feels now, when they feel the sting of the rejection and he keeps dragging them over there in hopes that they will love him finally. 

 

Once a month is plenty for disinterested grandparents. Even less if the grandparents are not nice to them. Tell your husband you love him and know he wants his parents to be these wonderful grandparents, but, he cannot change them. He can only move forward and protect his own children from the loss he is experiencing.

[Elizabeth86]

Sounds like my relationship with my parents.

 

If they are not interested, then once a week is way too much. No way. Once a week is already a lot when you have an interested family. But what does he expect..a day a week with your parents, a day a week with his parents...and then when do you fit in your own family time, extra curriculars, friends, school, life, etc?

 

IF your husband is like me, he wants to go because he is hoping that his parents will finally love him and be the people they should have been. They won't. But, his children could get hurt, the same hurt he feels now, when they feel the sting of the rejection and he keeps dragging them over there in hopes that they will love him finally.

 

Once a month is plenty for disinterested grandparents. Even less if the grandparents are not nice to them. Tell your husband you love him and know he wants his parents to be these wonderful grandparents, but, he cannot change them. He can only move forward and protect his own children from the loss he is experiencing.

Thanks. I agree once a month is plenty. I visit my parents when he is at work. They play with the babes whe me and ds do school, so they are a big help. We usually just spend the evening with his parents its not all day, so we we have time for stuff we need to do.

 

Also, they are not not nice to our kids exactly. I do know they would not be nice if they were left alone with them for any length of time. Thats why there is no way will ever be alone with them ever.

Edited October 7, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Seeking Squirrels]

How do the kids feel about these visits? Do they enjoy going or do they groan when it's time?

[maize]

I suppose it could be worse--your visits could consist of mil trying to wheedle money out of you and introducing your children to her "counseling" clients (read: pedophiles). Oh wait, that was MY mil! We finally refused to visit after years of this. No child wants to go to a house where they get bitten by the dog and then are expected to clean the bathroom!

 

Could you use the mandatory visits for a chance to read your kids a nice book or bring along a board game? My dad was nervous with all of us at once, so we used to "tour" his garden and then walk down to the park. And I'd bring a pile of picture books for my stepmom to read to the kids. Ds used to write out a list of questions for my dad so he would tell ds "sea stories". And we'd always have a big pile of photos to go through--that helped to have some structure. Of course, we weren't doing it every week!

I like the book idea. Another idea might be for you to bring some toys and games that will live at grandpa's house and you play together when you are there--whether grandma and grandpa join in or not. Edited October 7, 2017 by maize

[Elizabeth86]

I suppose it could be worse--your visits could consist of mil trying to wheedle money out of you and introducing your children to her "counseling" clients (read: pedophiles). Oh wait, that was MY mil! We finally refused to visit after years of this. No child wants to go to a house where they get bitten by the dog and then are expected to clean the bathroom!

 

Could you use the mandatory visits for a chance to read your kids a nice book or bring along a board game? My dad was nervous with all of us at once, so we used to "tour" his garden and then walk down to the park. And I'd bring a pile of picture books for my stepmom to read to the kids. Ds used to write out a list of questions for my dad so he would tell ds "sea stories". And we'd always have a big pile of photos to go through--that helped to have some structure. Of course, we weren't doing it every week!

yes it could be worse.

[Elizabeth86]

How do the kids feel about these visits? Do they enjoy going or do they groan when it's time?

They dont complain about going because my kids are always ready to go somewhere. my boys do seem a bit bored there. The baby likes it because its on a farm and she likes that stuff. The boys are bored with it because its the same stuff everytime. No new options to explore really. I usually just take. this time to play with the boys and give. them my attentions since I am not doing anything therem. Dh fiddles on his phone or dozes off in a chair.

[Elizabeth86]

I like the book idea. Another idea might be for you to bring some toys and games that will live and grandpa's house and you play together when you are there--whether grandma and grandpa join in or not.

Ds played checkers once with fil, but ds loves chess not checkers and fil wouldnt try to learn how to play chess.Having some games there might be a good idea though.

[JustEm]

We visit my parents twice a week and my mil once a week. It is not too much because we have a wonderful relationship with the kids and are incredibly intersted in their lives.

 

If they weren't, no way in hell would we spend our precious family time every week with them. If I were you I'd insist that once a month needs to become the new normal.

[Elizabeth86]

We visit my parents twice a week and my mil once a week. It is not too much because we have a wonderful relationship with the kids and are incredibly intersted in their lives.

 

If they weren't, no way in hell would we spend our precious family time every week with them. If I were you I'd insist that once a month needs to become the new normal.

You are right, I need to.

[Jyhwkmama]

He is using you as a shield.

 

You need to visit the DWIL message board on Babycenter. Read some stuff there.

[Elizabeth86]

I was just thinking about this one time we went fishing. They bought the boys fishing poles. Dd was tiny so I was busy with her. Instead of either of them helping either ds they just sat there with their own fishing poles. Fishing isnt really my boys thingand they grew tired of it in about 10 minutes and kept asking to go hiking, but they just kept fishing.

[Elizabeth86]

He is using you as a shield.

 

You need to visit the DWIL message board on Babycenter. Read some stuff there.

Im not following, could you explain a bit?

[Jyhwkmama]

He does not enjoy being with his mom or dad, but he feels obligated to maintain a relationship with them. He has you and the kids go with him so that you do the main interaction and he doesn't have to. He is using you to shield him from them.  If you were to say."you can see your parents as much as you like, but the kids and I are staying home except on x.y.and z occasions" he would probably not even bother to see his parents.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No he gets frustrated witb their. behavior and says lets get tbe hell out of here and what is wrong with then ALL the time, but he keeps going back for more.

 

My mother did the same thing.  She died upset that her mother was never much of a mother or grandmother.  Awful. 

 

Don't know why people have to be such a pain sometimes.

[Guest]

Taking a game is such a good idea! Wtf carss if fil or mil want to play. Just you guys play.

 

I'd be having very forthright conversations with my husband about this though. Like "do you realize I won't let them be alone with you there because they are fundamentally UNSAFE people? Why are we spending time with our children with unsafe people? Go alone if you want, but I'm not and the kids are not any more."

 

And when I was there I'd stay outside the whole time since they have land. *Nature study," man!!

[Jyhwkmama]

You really need to give thought to how fundamentally wrong it is to ask your wife and kids to spend time ONCE A WEEK! with people you don't even like.

 

So wrong.

 

DWIL Nation can be harsh, but reading some posts on there may help you strengthen your spine and put a stop to this.

[Corraleno]

Can you ask him to cut down the visits to every other week, and one week he just takes DD and the other week he takes the two boys along with some games for them to play? That way his parents get to see each of the kids once a month and it's easier for your DH to supervise 1 or 2 kids instead of all 3 at once.

[katilac]

I would probably go somewhere in between once a week and once a month. Once a week is a bit much, plus sets too much of a precedence that is hard to get out of as the kids get older. Once a month is a bit scant if they aren't actually mean to anyone (hard to tell from your posts, "not nice" could just mean they are not proactively nice and doing things for the kids, or you might have meant to convey, yeah, they are kind of mean).  

 

I do think there are positives for cultivating a relationship with grandparents even if they don't act super-interested. Of course, that doesn't include harmful or toxic people, but just not that interested in young kids covers a LOT of people. Things that bother us as parents often aren't even noticed by the kids, and they might become closer as they get older. 

 

This is what I would do, assuming his parents aren't actually mean to the kids: 

 

*2-3 visits month, usually 2 but NOT on a set pattern. 

 

*Go with toys and treats for the kids. 

 

*Make the visits SHORT. An hour is plenty if they are not interacting much, and easier on you. 

 

*You might try the ol' "tell me about the old days" trick. Ask them to show the kids photos from when THEY were younger, and to tell stories. This works on sooo many older people, particularly if you have photos. You can ask specific questions to get them started. If they didn't always live on the farm, where did they live before? How did they meet? What was school like for them? What was their first job? 

 

Halftime Hope also has some great suggestions, visiting does not have to be at their house. There is something to occupy the time, the kids don't always have to be sitting right with you at the park and such . . . it's a visit with less pressure. 

 

I have seen positive relationships develop over time - often because the kids got older, but that is much less likely to happen if they aren't used to spending time with each other. Some people do learn to do better as grandparents, and some people become more open and giving as they get really older and think about their mortality. 

 

If you can do it, I would do it. But not every week, lol. We're really close to my parents and we don't purposefully make a visit every week. 

[katilac]

One more idea: you mention always having to leave to get something to eat. Could you just bring something with you instead to share with them? Chinese take-out, pizza, something the kids will like and where it won't really matter if the grandparents do or don't eat. It gives everyone something to do, and people tend to relax and start talking more when sharing food. 

 

 

[Elizabeth86]

One more idea: you mention always having to leave to get something to eat. Could you just bring something with you instead to share with them? Chinese take-out, pizza, something the kids will like and where it won't really matter if the grandparents do or don't eat. It gives everyone something to do, and people tend to relax and start talking more when sharing food.

Good thoughts. We could. It just feels sooooo unwelcoming to me and thats probably my issue. Dh parents arent from here and every family or friend we have, has that did ya'll eat mentality?? Family just wants to feed you. Its just what they do. Like I said, thats my issue.

[Janeway]

I suppose it could be worse--your visits could consist of mil trying to wheedle money out of you and introducing your children to her "counseling" clients (read: pedophiles). Oh wait, that was MY mil! We finally refused to visit after years of this. No child wants to go to a house where they get bitten by the dog and then are expected to clean the bathroom!

 

Could you use the mandatory visits for a chance to read your kids a nice book or bring along a board game? My dad was nervous with all of us at once, so we used to "tour" his garden and then walk down to the park. And I'd bring a pile of picture books for my stepmom to read to the kids. Ds used to write out a list of questions for my dad so he would tell ds "sea stories". And we'd always have a big pile of photos to go through--that helped to have some structure. Of course, we weren't doing it every week!

Your MIL and mine have a lot in common, on the pedophile thing. She also always tried to get money from us, even though she was very well off. She also was always trying to turn my children against me. She would frequently tell my husband to not bring me. But then when he would show up, she would have papers for him to sign that should not be signed or some woman to set him up with. We actually had to agree that he would never see her alone because of this. 

[Elizabeth86]

Good advice. To clear things up, they interact from time to time, but they arent great about. Mil interacts if someone is around to witness it. She likes to pretend to be grandma of the year in public. They are not mean to my kids because we are there. I guarantee they would be mean if we werent around. Mil is an extremely toxic person. She truly enjoys seeing people suffer. Mil did most of the screwed up things to the kids. I dont think they feel fil was abusive to them, but he just wasn' all that interested in being an active father. He was just there kwim? The things mil did though were unforgivable imo and really theirbhome wasnt a fit place for children imo.

[Elizabeth86]

I also see what you mean by a shield. As for the outside. Its not really a friendly place. Fil is getting older and he doesnt keep it up. Its all weeds and brush. Its not quite what you might envision when you think farm.

[gardenmom5]

  My dh did not have a great relationship with his parents growing up, but he is stuck on trying to have our kids have a relationship with them anyway. His mom was bad, his dad wasnt bad he just wasnt great kwim? Could it be he just hopes they do a better job being a grandparent?

 

He wants to visit them each week. He. doesnt speak to his mom unless she asks him something. sometimes they just sit there and sleep in their chairs. They arent interested in our kids much, they dont play with them much. They rarely have any meal for us, so we always have to leave to go eat. Its so awkward for me and I dread going over there. Im not sure if this is asking for advice or just whining. Either way, I will take whatever.

 

It sounds like he hasn't made peace with the parents he got, and wants to believe they can do better as grandparents.  that likelihood is pretty slim, if circumstances outside of their control affected their parenting, and those circumstances no longer exist it's possible they could do better.  however- if that was how they were with their own kids - becasue that is who they were . . . that is more likely how they will grandparent.

 

why does he insist on seeing them every week - it sounds too often, and that he is pushing to hard to connect.   do they WANT you there, or just tolerate it?  more likely to be disappointed, and to irritate parents who aren't interested in being grandparents.

 

tbh: what you are describing, I would definitely  reduce the frequency of visits, probably once a month max.  I would try to plan something/activity.   bring a craft the kids could do that maybe his parents would be willing to join in.  bring a "picnic" to share with them.  (something easy)

they may also just not know how to socialize.   there isn't enough information to figure out which one it is.

 

the other thing about reducing frequency - you'll find out if they do want you there if you get a "why aren't you coming over as much?"

[Elizabeth86]

It sounds like he hasn't made peace with the parents he got, and wants to believe they can do better as grandparents. that likelihood is pretty slim, if circumstances outside of their control affected their parenting, and those circumstances no longer exist it's possible they could do better. however- if that was how they were with their own kids - becasue that is who they were . . . that is more likely how they will grandparent.

 

why does he insist on seeing them every week - it sounds too often, and that he is pushing to hard to connect. do they WANT you there, or just tolerate it? more likely to be disappointed, and to irritate parents who aren't interested in being grandparents.

 

tbh: what you are describing, I would definitely reduce the frequency of visits, probably once a month max. I would try to plan something/activity. bring a craft the kids could do that maybe his parents would be willing to join in. bring a "picnic" to share with them. (something easy)

they may also just not know how to socialize. there isn't enough information to figure out which one it is.

 

the other thing about reducing frequency - you'll find out if they do want you there if you get a "why aren't you coming over as much?"

I think they do want us there. We didnt go for about a month due to things we had to do/things they had to so. fil sent dh texts sounding like he missed us. Why once a week? idk I ask dh each friday what his plans are and he always says visit my parents. idk?

[Tanaqui]

Okay, so I think that if your husband is insisting on these trips, he needs to step up - not play on the phone! I agree with what others have said here: bring a book to read, bring some games to play, and insist that your husband participates in these activities even if his parents don't.

 

Why once a week? idk I ask dh each friday what his plans are and he always says visit my parents. idk?

 

So start making your own plans. Instead of "What are you doing?" say "The museum is having a great class, I'm taking the kids." If he goes "Well, I thought I'd visit my parents" you can respond with "Your parents are welcome to join us if they like! They'll have to leave at XYZ time to meet us!"

 

You plan to go twice a month (you can cut it down more later if necessary, but twice a month is reasonable right now), and you make different plans the other weeks. Put it on the calendar. Circle it. Do it. (And one of those two monthly visits, you should stay home. Let your husband be the one supervising the kids and keeping them engaged. If he had to do the work, he wouldn't insist on weekly visits, I can tell you that.)

 

If your husband really pushes, lay it all out like you did here: It's not enjoyable. You don't trust the grandparents, and you feel like they don't want you there because they don't interact with the kids and they don't make a meal. The kids are bored. You are tired of having to do all the work of supervising because he is on the phone. You want to reduce the amount of time you spend over there.

 

These are all perfectly valid points.

[gardenmom5]

I can promise you (okay, at least in my experience) that never really knowing certain people does far less emotional damage than knowing them, and knowing that they don't really care about it, especially if you're raised to believe that you "should" care about family, regardless of all else, and that you have an obligation to maintain relationships, no matter how unhealthy.

 

 

Once a month is plenty for disinterested grandparents. Even less if the grandparents are not nice to them.

 

 

 

 

Also, they are not not nice to our kids exactly. I do know they would not be nice if they were left alone with them for any length of time.

 

Ok - you're kids are spending way too much time with them.  period.  Your husband keeps dragging all of you there because he wants a norman rockwell family life to make up for his own childhood.  It is subliminally sending a message to your kids they are supposed to love his parents like they love yours.

 

you've said they are not nice to your kids.  that you do NOT trust them around your kids, even if your husband is there, and therefore YOU must be there to run interference. Warning Will Robinson . . . .  That  they gave them a "gift" to do what the grandparent wants to do, but wont' bother to help them learn how to use it.  (re: fishing poles.)

 

you said your kids don't mind going - do you *really* know that?  do they really feel they can say "I hate going to g&g house because they are so boring and I don't feel welcome there?"  REALLY?   for them to say that - how would your dh react?  would he say: fine, I understand and you don't have to go.  or, would he give them some spiel about important family is, making them feel obligated to go?  and that if they don't love his parents as much as they love your parents - then they must not love him?  yes, parents can make even juveniles feel obligated to visit relatives you make them feel worthless.

[Elizabeth86]

Okay, so I think that if your husband is insisting on these trips, he needs to step up - not play on the phone! I agree with what others have said here: bring a book to read, bring some games to play, and insist that your husband participates in these activities even if his parents don't.

 

 

So start making your own plans. Instead of "What are you doing?" say "The museum is having a great class, I'm taking the kids." If he goes "Well, I thought I'd visit my parents" you can respond with "Your parents are welcome to join us if they like! They'll have to leave at XYZ time to meet us!"

 

You plan to go twice a month (you can cut it down more later if necessary, but twice a month is reasonable right now), and you make different plans the other weeks. Put it on the calendar. Circle it. Do it. (And one of those two monthly visits, you should stay home. Let your husband be the one supervising the kids and keeping them engaged. If he had to do the work, he wouldn't insist on weekly visits, I can tell you that.)

 

If your husband really pushes, lay it all out like you did here: It's not enjoyable. You don't trust the grandparents, and you feel like they don't want you there because they don't interact with the kids and they don't make a meal. The kids are bored. You are tired of having to do all the work of supervising because he is on the phone. You want to reduce the amount of time you spend over there.

 

These are all perfectly valid points.

Well if I have plans we do that instead of visit. We dont go if we have plans, but when we dont, we go. I would feel so much better if I only had to go every other week. I just feel guilty

I could visit my parents any day I liked since I get to stay home. He doesnt control when I go. I feel like I kind of owe that to him I guess. Ugh. Why do I feel guilty about everything? I just feel like if he wants to I hate to say no.

[Elizabeth86]

Ok - you're kids are spending way too much time with them. period. Your husband keeps dragging all of you there because he wants a norman rockwell family life to make up for his own childhood. It is subliminally sending a message to your kids they are supposed to love his parents like they love yours.

 

you've said they are not nice to your kids. that you do NOT trust them around your kids, even if your husband is there, and therefore YOU must be there to run interference. Warning Will Robinson . . . . That they gave them a "gift" to do what the grandparent wants to do, but wont' bother to help them learn how to use it. (re: fishing poles.)

 

you said your kids don't mind going - do you *really* know that? do they really feel they can say "I hate going to g&g house because they are so boring and I don't feel welcome there?" REALLY? for them to say that - how would your dh react? would he say: fine, I understand and you don't have to go. or, would he give them some spiel about important family is, making them feel obligated to go? and that if they don't love his parents as much as they love your parents - then they must not love him? yes, parents can make even juveniles feel obligated to visit relatives you make them feel worthless.

I dont know for sure if the kids dont mind going. Im not sure. It seems they dont mind. I dont think he would try to make them go if they didnt want to. I think I will ask then next time if they want to visit or stay home and see what they say.

[Guinevere]

I understand how awkward you might feel, but maybe their family culture is to just sit and pass the time together. Maybe I'm missing something, but maybe you could embrace it. Think of it as an evening to enjoy the stillness and just be and be together. Enjoying someone's company doesn't have to be games and conversation and food.

 

Eta: Maybe try packing a project in a backpack for each child to do independently. I spent many hours at my grandparents quietly playing one person card games, or curled up with a book. I have good memories of those times.

Edited October 7, 2017 by Guinevere

[Pen]

If MIL is a toxic person, maybe FIL would be better separately away from MIL.  And maybe FIL does miss them when not visiting , but is quite dominated by MIL. Maybe there could be an all guy adventure to figure that out...   DH, DS's and FIL to do something special and learn how much is MIL and how much is both ILs.  

 

If that turned out to be the case, then maybe FIL, DH and the guys and maybe dd too, could work on the making the outdoors at the ILs a nicer place to be (or at least some part of it) so you'd like the way it is.  And then maybe it could be a picnic and games sort of place to go, so FIL could have some interaction, but MIL not so much.    ????

[Elizabeth86]

If MIL is a toxic person, maybe FIL would be better separately away from MIL. And maybe FIL does miss them when not visiting , but is quite dominated by MIL. Maybe there could be an all guy adventure to figure that out... DH, DS's and FIL to do something special and learn how much is MIL and how much is both ILs.

 

If that turned out to be the case, then maybe FIL, DH and the guys and maybe dd too, could work on the making the outdoors at the ILs a nicer place to be (or at least some part of it) so you'd like the way it is. And then maybe it could be a picnic and games sort of place to go, so FIL could have some interaction, but MIL not so much. ????

Yes it is her a lot. If we something without her she texts him a lot and fakes some problem. She doesnt get around well and all of us are sure she has actually "fallen and couldnt get up" for attebtion and sympathy. Also her ability varies when difgerent people are around. Sometimes she plays this helpless old lady bit and sometimes this strong look at me pushing through strong independent woman bit. Everything she does is to get attention and make things about her. We try to exclude her as much as we can.Yes he would be bettet off without her, but he wont leave her at this point. Edited October 8, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Elizabeth86]

I understand how awkward you might feel, but maybe their family culture is to just sit and pass the time together. Maybe I'm missing something, but maybe you could embrace it. Think of it as an evening to enjoy the stillness and just be and be together. Enjoying someone's company doesn't have to be games and conversation and food.

 

Eta: Maybe try packing a project in a backpack for each child to do independently. I spent many hours at my grandparents quietly playing one person card games, or curled up with a book. I have good memories of those times.

Well it does have to include because our kids are hungry for dinner.

[Guest]

Are they asking for their son to visit frequently, or for the whole family?

[katilac]

Good thoughts. We could. It just feels sooooo unwelcoming to me and thats probably my issue. Dh parents arent from here and every family or friend we have, has that did ya'll eat mentality?? Family just wants to feed you. Its just what they do. Like I said, thats my issue.

 

I would also find that very unwelcoming, for sure! But if you're going to go anyway . . . 

 

Good advice. To clear things up, they interact from time to time, but they arent great about. Mil interacts if someone is around to witness it. She likes to pretend to be grandma of the year in public. They are not mean to my kids because we are there. I guarantee they would be mean if we werent around. Mil is an extremely toxic person. She truly enjoys seeing people suffer. Mil did most of the screwed up things to the kids. I dont think they feel fil was abusive to them, but he just wasn' all that interested in being an active father. He was just there kwim? The things mil did though were unforgivable imo and really theirbhome wasnt a fit place for children imo.

 

This would make me diminish visits for sure. Possibly a great deal? I don't know, you really have to make that decision, because you are in the middle of it and know the facts. Some things I regard as unforgivable in the sense that I will never truly forgive or forget them being done to me or a loved one, but I will cautiously give them a chance to know my children. Other things I regard as unforgivable in the sense that I will not allow them around my children, period. Sometimes that's obvious, sometimes it's a tough call. 

 

I like a pp's suggestion of often making plans so that you just naturally don't go as often. 

 

Are they asking for their son to visit frequently, or for the whole family?

 

Good point. They might be perfectly happy with just him sometimes.

 

You can also test the "shield" theory by planning something for you and dc that does not include dh - buy tickets to something he will not enjoy, a get-together with moms and kids only, whatever. Do this after you haven't been to visit for at least two weeks, and tell dh he should go ahead by himself. If he's not willing to do this . . . yeah, he shouldn't expect you to go so often, lol. 

 

When push comes to shove, I think you need to address only the issue of whether it is safe and positive for the children to potentially build a relationship with them. If so, how much of one? The other stuff is minutiae that is annoying but can be dealt with. 

[Elizabeth86]

Are they asking for their son to visit frequently, or for the whole family?

The grandkids.

[maize]

After reading everything you wrote I am also on the side of cutting back on visits.

 

 

MiL wants to see the grandkids not to build a real relationship with them but to fill some need of her own. Don't offer your children up on that altar.