Birthday parties

[Elizabeth86]

Dh and I were discussing birthday parties. I LOVE going all out and theme everything. Its just my hobby. Like, the one thing I enjoy. Now we have almost 4 kids and it is getting expensive. On top of the party we used to take the birtbday kid to do some special activities on their actual birthday. We have cut this out as it is getting expensive. One of our kids has asked just do do sonething special next year instead of a party.

 

Dh and I came up with this. We have a March, April (or march, he/she isnt here yet), September, October birthday. We thinking of 1 big celebration in June or July for all the kids. We could still pick a theme for each kid and have a table decorated for the theme of each kid and cupcakes with their own theme. We could sing happy birthday 4 times lol. Then when their real birthday comes we can just have a day of fun just for our family. Also since really the sept birthday is usually the only guaranteed warm birthday we could do things like have it at a park or have a bounce house, a pool or something.

 

So, here is what I am asking. I grew up the only young kid at home and I dont know what it is like to have to compromise on things like this. Is this going to be something they will be complaining to their therapist about? My parents had so many kids we only had 1 party. I mean is this going to be ok or should I scale back my parties and just have 4 separate smaller parties. I know this isnt huge. I just wanted anyone that has btdt to weigh in on how it has made you feel.

 

Also I would worry about my guests feeling like they needed to bring 4 presents. I would like them there even if they cant bring gifts, but you know most people just wont do this. I would hate for people to not come because of this.

 

And yes people, I do in fact worry and overthink EVERYTHING. I try to make life fair, but sometimes having a bigger family means it just isnt fair. Sigh.

[MedicMom]

I grew up as the oldest in a large family. I also have a birthday two days ahead of a sibling. While my parents tried to make my own day special, I had very few of my own birthday parties.

I am going to be honest and say I'm slightly prejudiced against large families. There is so much more I can do with my family size of three kids than my parents could ever do. My kids have opportunities I didn't have because my mother was always pregnant, nursing, money was tight, it's too complicated to take eight kids ages 16-newborn to an amusement park. I'm not saying my parents didn't try. It's just the logistics are very different with a lot of kids. It's one of the major reasons we are done having babies.

[Elizabeth86]

I grew up as the oldest in a large family. I also have a birthday two days ahead of a sibling. While my parents tried to make my own day special, I had very few of my own birthday parties.

I am going to be honest and say I'm slightly prejudiced against large families. There is so much more I can do with my family size of three kids than my parents could ever do. My kids have opportunities I didn't have because my mother was always pregnant, nursing, money was tight, it's too complicated to take eight kids ages 16-newborn to an amusement park. I'm not saying my parents didn't try. It's just the logistics are very different with a lot of kids. It's one of the major reasons we are done having babies.

I am beginning to see that.

[Sherry in OH]

If you want to have a big party in the summer, do so but don’t call it a birthday celebration.  Celebrate summer or the 4^th of July or whatever.  That eliminates the birthday gift issue. 

 

Celebrate each child’s birthday on or near the birthday by doing something special.  Special could be as simple as cake and the birthday child’s favorite meal.  You could offer each child the choice of a gift, an outing (family or with one or two friends), or a scaled back party.   Huge birthday bashes are not a neccessity.

[Sarah CB]

I wouldn't combine it with birthdays that far apart. Instead, I'd focus on having simpler parties. I just had a party for my 12 year old. He invited seven friends. I took them swimming at the local public pool - that was $21. He also wanted to go bowling, but two of his friends couldn't stay that long, so there were only five of them bowling. I paid $25 to rent the lane for one hour. So, for him and his friends to swim and then go bowling it was $46. They came back to our house for pizza and cake - that was where I could have saved some money. I could have served hot dogs and home made cake (ds specifically requested an ice cream cake, so I bought it this time). 

 

Basically, with our kids, if they want to do something pricey - like go see a movie - then they get one or two friends. If they want do do something inexpensive (like my 12 year old did) then I'm ok with 6 - 8 friends. I don't ever want to have a party with 20 or 30 kids running around. Not necessary. 

 

I don't see why you couldn't do something for each child on their birthdays but keep the costs down. When my kids were smaller, we just had parties at our house where we did home-made games like Memory and Pin the Tail and musical chairs. We didn't even serve food - just had cake at the end and scheduled it for between meals. 

[MedicMom]

I am beginning to see that.

I don't mean that I'm resentful or angry or that large families are bad. I just see how much easier my kids and I have it than my parents did, primarily because we've chosen to limit our family and since we only have three kids, I can flex my schedule and stay working full time. As my kids get older, I see how much my parents were logistically unable to do.

 

I will be completely honest and say that I do have one sister, who was in the middle of the children, who is extremely resentful and has all but cut off contact with our parents. She felt she never got what she needed emotionally or physically, and is extremely jealous of what her friends were able to do and be involved in, and blames being in a large family. She was also one of the group of us that had birthdays close together and feels she got shortchanged on parties.

 

Even though I only have 3, I have one that is probably shortchanged, so it's not limited to large families. DD is wedged between two high need, special needs brothers and I know she's not getting enough attention. But if we continued to have babies, it would be much worse. Also, her birthday and her older brother's are four days apart. I have committed to seperate parties now that they are older, even though it's a pain.

 

All this to say--I think individual birthday parties are the way to go.

[Rebel Yell]

We did a birthday rotation... each calendar year, only one girl got a friends-party. Then, no matter where they were in the rotation, they got a 13th birthday party, a Sweet Sixteen, then a high school grad party. (remaining younger children still only got a party every 3rd year) All with cost limits, so guest list is determined by expense- one friend if you want $50/hour go carting, almost unlimited if all you want is cake and punch. College or tradeschool graduation is dinner out with one extra invitee.

 

Every birthday (including mom and dad's!) gets to pick a meal for their birthday, which is occasionally held on a different day due to work, school, or holidays.

 

We have birthdays that fall in or close to Easter, Mothers Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. So on those holidays when we get together with extended family, birthday person picks an additional dessert for the family birthday celebration at that holiday gathering. (basically, Turkey Girl didn't want her birthday candle just stuck in the Thanksgiving pumpkin pie, LOL!)

[Peaceseeker]

I know a couple of large families that choose to make a certain year or couple of years a special big party. For example,.they might get a big party on their 6th birthday, their 10th birthday, etc...

 

Depending on how your kids are spaced out you still might hit 2 'milestone' birthdays in a year but it wouldn't be everyone, every year.

 

I did the big birthday party thing for many years and over time it got to be stressful (and I only have 2!) even though I did like the creative part. At some point it really started to just feel excessive and we finally began scaling back. I know families that kept it really simple and old school, and looking back, I can see their wisdom. Some did small family only parties, some had a few kids with cake and ice cream and pin the tail on the donkey. Honestly when they are little a party is a party and my kids had fun at big expensive parties and simple family parties.

 

So that is my compromise suggestion- have small family parties when they are little (on their own day), then when they are older it might be do something simple with a friend or two. In between everyone can have the fun, big parties when they hit a certain age IF you still want the opportunity to throw a big bash. Like a big 1 st birthday and a big 6th birthday or big 10th birthday- whatever ages you like and want to do.

 

I would not do a combined party every year. It would be a hardship for families to bring 4 gifts and they would feel expected to, if it is a birthday party for 4 children. Fun family days can be their own thing aside from birthdays, when you have the time and the funds.

 

There is nothing wrong with baking a cake and singing Happy Birthday after dinner with a few presents from mom and dad and/or close family. That simplicity has a beauty I wish I had realized sooner in my parenting.

Edited October 1, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[desiree77]

We did milestone birthday parties only when my kids were smaller. So everyone got one at age 5, age 10, and age 15. If it wasn't your milestone birthday, you got to do something with 1-2 friends or just family. We did fudge this depending on the year and the kid. I don't think anyone was ever disappointed. Now that they are older, I am generally less stressed and have a bit more money, so everyone gets a budget. They can choose a party, a gift, or an experience. Or any combination under budget. I grew up having parties every year, was one of 2 kids, and I wanted more siblings more than I wanted more stuff. I still wanted more of my parents attention. I don't think this is a large family issue.

 

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk

[maize]

Re: kids being resentful--in my experience (absent serious abuse) a kid who is going to be resentful as an adult is going to be resentful regardless of the actual circumstances of their childhood. This kind of resentment is often the result of mental health struggles that cause everything about their life to appear negative.

 

If you are a loving parent doing your best to build good relationships with your kids and provide for their needs any future resentment on their part is not going to be your fault.

 

Re: large families--of course their are trade offs. Bigger group = less individual attention.

 

More siblings also means more potential for friendships and positive relationships. My siblings and I certainly got on each other's nerves at times as children, but as adults we've all outgrown the irritating immature traits that made life hard. My brothers and sisters are my favorite people in the whole world. We had a family reunion this past August and it really was like a week spent in paradise.

 

I don't know any way to guarantee that kind of family relationships as adults, but I sure wouldn't trade any of my own siblings for a few childhood birthday parties (we never, ever did birthday parties).

Edited October 1, 2017 by maize

[Lecka]

I think kids start to form their own opinions when they are 5ish, and you can be responsive to them. If some don't care but some do, I think you can adjust. My boys don't care at this point, while my daughter does. At the same time -- my oldest son needs to feel like he has some things for him throughout the year; our family stuff focuses on what the younger kids will be able to do.

 

Edit: I have found questions like these to get easier as kids get older and we can discuss things. There are still times we say no or can't accommodate -- but it isn't a guessing game at least.

 

I think you can also adjust family traditions as your kids get older if it seems like it will work out better. You can do what you want for now and then in a few years if a kid says "why don't I have a party?" then you can change then and/or ask your other kids what they think.

Edited October 1, 2017 by Lecka

[Spryte]

I love planning parties, too, and I totally understand what you mean by it's a hobby. :)

 

We had huge themed bashes with 30-35 kids plus their parents. (blush) we did this four times a year. Yikes.

 

It's exhausting and expensive, and we have decided to do one big party every summer - not a birthday party, just a party. Then each kid gets a smaller party on their day, or close to it, with five or six friends.

 

We've made it one year so far. Kids are fine with it. Really. It's me who is having withdrawal. :D

[PeachyDoodle]

I love throwing kids' birthday parties too. I like to go all out. It's as much for me as it is for them (although dd especially has started to really enjoy being involved). I think your solution sounds very creative and actually a lot of fun. Everybody gets to celebrate their birthday twice! You could do an UNbirthday party, a la Alice in Wonderland. For that, it could really be a celebration of all the kids' birthdays (even guests) so that solves your present problem. Relatives or close friends who would want to buy a gift anyway can just do that at each real birthday.

 

I was born on New Year's Eve so I rarely had any kind of birthday celebration. People always have plans over New Year's. And there's the whole combined Christmas/birthday gift thing. I would have loved it if my mother had made an effort to celebrate my birthday some other time of year. I was so jealous of my sister who was born in July.

[medawyn]

My mom solved this by having birthdays be nuclear + available grandparents only. Birthday kid got to pick dinner + type of cake (or lemon meringue pie in my case), plus an activity or outing that fit in the budget. Lots of special attention for the birthday kid that day. This also helped when we ended up moving, because no one had a disappointing birthday without friends.

 

She fulfilled her themed party throwing habit with holiday parties. I remember several Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, etc over the years. Not every holiday every year, but lots. Those were full of kids and parents, and I have wonderful memories.

 

We're following suit in our house.

[catz]

I think this can be ok for young kids and birthday parties.  I wouldn't call it a birthday party because I would not want that huge influx of gifts into the house.  I would just have 1 big event once a year where you can entertain everyone. 

 

When kids get older (I don't remember how old your kids are), they should have a choice.  And really when their ACTUAL birthdays roll around, are you just going to ignore that day?  The thing is, it can be very simple.  It can be one friend sleeping over with movies and pizza.   My kids have never cared much about big over the top themes, and favors, and many, many kids and their siblings and parents even though I thought it was really fun to do that for a season.  I'm so over it.  ;)   

 

I like Medawyn's idea too.  Do themed parties when you have the time and resources which we also did at times when the kids were younger.  It was a fun excuse to entertain!  Valentines and Halloween were great times to do that.  And then have lower key birthday events that are age appropriate.  Maybe family only for under 8 and then allow the kids some choice with a set budget as they get older. 

[MedicMom]

By the way, we've moved to dinner at a restaurant of your choice with grandparents and available aunts/uncles on your birthday, and we do a birthday trip. My oldest two invite a friend or a cousin on our trip. Sometimes it's been the whole family, sometimes it's just been Mom or dad and birthday child. A hotel room with a pool is a big deal to my kids. Birthdays in our house are for adventures, not presents.

 

My kids are young, but so far so good. My oldest has high functioning autism, and I am always worried that we'll be the family whose child waits anxiously by the door for all their "friends"...and no one shows up.

Edited October 1, 2017 by MedicMom

[Elizabeth86]

ImAnd really when their ACTUAL birthdays roll around, are you just going to ignore that day?

 

 

I said we were going to do something special for each child on their actual birthday.

[LMD]

I love doing the big parties!

 

Then life happened and we haven't been able to do them for a couple of years...

 

I can't wait to do them again, next year hopefully.

 

My opinion, it's good to think about and try to keep things fair for all the kids. But you don't need to do every kid every year, especially when they're so young. I wouldn't do a special activity and a party either, one or the other.

 

But if you love doing the parties don't feel guilty about it, just pace yourself lol.

[heartlikealion]

I have a fall birthday. I couldn't imagine celebrating it in summer and having people think my age changed. Adults may ask the kids their age. I would just feel fake.

 

I love party planning, but try to do it on the cheap. When did had a Curious George theme, dh baked the cakes and I decorated. For favor bags I gave out monkey erasers, CG coloring sheets I printed, and CG gummies? You can stay on theme and not spend a lot. How do you feel about making things? If you plan ahead you can make decorations, etc. Maybe do a family only party if the guest list is too much. Plan it at a non meal time so you save, too.

[Elizabeth86]

Thanks for all the advice. We decided to keep to separate parties.

[duckabell]

We've done a mix of friends party, family parties, and special events with just one friend over the years. My youngest just turned five, and he has his first friend party this weekend. It will be fairly cheap, maybe $25-$30 total including food and party favors. 

 

My other two kids just got to do a special activity like going to a waterpark or ice skating with one friend this year. Their birthdays are always tricky because they're the same week, and so for half of their birthdays we've done some sort of combined party or parties on the same day right after each other. Right now I'm telling them that they trade off one year doing a friends party and the next just doing a simple activity with friends.

 

Usually our friends parties are just at home or at the park where they're pretty inexpensive. 

[AK_Mom4]

We don’t do big birthday parties for kids. When they get to be teens, they can throw their own big parties and pay for all or part of it.

 

But in your case, I would probably throw two big Super-Big Family Parties a year since those are so much fun for you and make it separate from birthdays. For birthdays, scale down and just do a small thing - cake after dinner and a present.