Need some perspective....excluding boyfriends/spouses at family events

[Tap]

I know I will likely get flamed by some posters for this and I will take it in stride, so feel free to be honest.

 

I know that spouses and SO relationships will be at family events, but how can I say "please don't bring xyz to my birthday.....because it is MY birthday and I would like to enjoy it" 

 

The situation:

 

DD18's boyfriend hates me. He told me that he doesn't like being around me and is purposefully limiting his time in my house.  I found this all out because I figured out that his feelings were hurt and noticed he was sitting in the driveway when dd would stop by the house to pick something up etc.  It was 100* outside and he would sit in the car instead of coming into the air conditioned house, so it was pretty obvious he was avoiding the house.. I went out to the car to talk to him about the situation, clear the air and apologize about his perceived slight. Long story short, he said what he felt needed to be said and told me how mean I am to him all the time (no one else, just him). He told me he doesn't want me to talk to him or about him, so when he is around, I am super quiet, not wanting to rock the boat any further with him. After I talked to him about the situation, it was still a month or so before he started coming around.  When he comes around now, it is very awkward.  I try to not say much and keep my conversations with him very minimal.  I only ask about school, since that is the most neutral topic I can think of. (I avoid talking about his family and dd)

 

My birthday was yesterday. He was here for cake last night.  I hated having him here. It was already awkward due for other reasons, and then having him here made it worse. When we go to dinner next week, dd will want to bring him.They pretty much live together, so there is very, very little chance he won't just show up with her. We have always invited boyfriends/girlfriends to family birthday dinners, so it will have to be purposefully stated that he is not invited.   I do not want to go to dinner if he will be there. It won't be fun and I will be super anxious trying to not hurt his feelings again. Him being here also means dd will act different and that makes me sad too.  She won't joke and laugh with her brother (they are absolutely hilarious together) and it will be a very different family dynamic. Me not talking, and dd being quiet and not talking much either. The last family event he was at, instead of being fun and lighthearted, was awkward and almost formal in nature with stilted speech and only him and my husband talking. 

I know that spouses and SO relationships will be at family events, but how can I say "please don't bring xyz to my birthday.....because it is MY birthday and I would like to enjoy it" 

 

Edited out some unnecessary info

Edited September 28, 2017 by Tap

[HomeAgain]

Just tell her.  "Bob doesn't like me.  I'd rather not feel like this meal is awkward and forced.  Please come alone."

 

It may mean she won't come either, but that's a risk you have to take.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You can tell your daughter, "I'd like this dinner to be family only" but be prepared if she chooses to skip it. 

[lauraw4321]

I think you just need to be honest with her about what's happened (surely she knows) and tell her you would like for it to be family-only. But I agree, there's a strong risk she just won't come.

[MinivanMom]

I don't think there's a way to exclude a live-in boyfriend from family events without causing a rift.

 

And the reality is that the dynamic in your family has changed just by virtue of your daughter growing up and moving out to live with her boyfriend. That would be true whether or not the boyfriend got along with the family. Things will be different going forward, and that can't all be blamed on him regardless of how difficult he is.

 

Personally, I would try to avoid the rift. I would invite your daughter out to dinner just for the two of you. That way you get the time with her without him being "excluded".

 

The alternative is to let her know that he's not invited to your family birthday. She probably won't come and will view you as the bad guy going forward.

[shawthorne44]

In addition to the above recommendations, I would stop changing my behavior around him.   You don't have to talk to him, but there isn't a reason you couldn't talk to everyone else.   

[Carol in Cal.]

Invite him but act like you normally do.

If you're lucky he will refuse to go.  If not, maybe you still can have a good time.

[AnnE-girl]

I don't remember if I've commented on any of your other posts about this guy, but I don't like him, and I don't even know you. I'm sorry he's made your family events uncomfortable.

[mamaraby]

Yeah, I really don't think there is any way to do or say that that isn't going to cause hurt feelings with your dd. I can guarantee you that if my MIL said to her son what you're wanting to say to your dd that it would have resulted in neither of us coming. Ever.

 

Also, even if your dd did come and left her bf at home, I imagine it would be awkward as heck. If you think she behaves differently now? Imagine how she'll be after you tell her that she can come, but that she can't bring this important person in her life with her.

 

I think the best and least potentially damaging thing you could try is to frame it as "It's ok if boyfriend doesn't want to come as I know things are strained right now. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable and I won't be hurt if that's what je would prefer."

[Bootsie]

Whether he is at the party or not, it will not be the same as it used to be.  You probably will not experience your children acting the same way they did in the past.  DD will be miffed and in a hurry to leave and get back with him, probably.  So, to me it seems as the options are taking a stand of "It is my birthday and I want to have there who I want to have there" realizing that who is or is not in attendance is what you are controlling--not how they act.  Or, trying to make the best of the situation in building an adult relationship with DD, realizing that it may not be the birthday party you want but that including him may help build the long-term relationship you want.

[marbel]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:   I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

 

I know you have posted about this relationship before.  Am I remembering correctly that you can't really have a heart-to-heart with your daughter about it?  Or that attempts to do so have failed in the past?  What if your husband tried to talk to her, or talk to him, or both of them together?   I think (again, I am not sure, not making pronouncements here) that is what my husband would do.

 

This is probably the wrong thing to do/say, but in the same situation I think I would just skip the dinner.  In a strained relationship I think it's almost impossible to "act normal" as if nothing is wrong.  I would try to keep communication open with your daughter separately.  

 

I'm sorry.  I had a brother-in-law who ruined family gatherings.  It's hard when someone refuses to get along and try to have a relationship.  

 

ETA: When I say cancel the dinner, I don't mean in a snit and saying that you don't want it because of the boyfriend. (I wouldn't expect you to do that.) Just a simple "we had cake last week, that's good enough; we'll plan a family dinner another time."  Maybe some more time of regular interactions (not parties where expectations for everyone having fun are higher than normal), things will get better.  

 

 

Edited September 28, 2017 by marbel

[nixpix5]

Oh man that is a tough situation. I know this isn't necessarily what you asked by does DD agree with him? Does she support his belief or does she see where he is coming from? Has she helped you figure out how to interact with him?

 

This seems relevant in this situation because while she is trying to keep the peace now, if they get married and have kids this situation could end up in a hurtful place for you.

 

We can be an off the cuff, brutally honest and joking/playful family. My older son had a GF once that just didn't come from that environment. She would spend time with us and think we were being "mean" to DS even though it was bantar. He was able to explain it to her and back us up and even though she never really could figure out our fun loving dynamic, we toned it down for her. They eventually broke up (thank goodness!) because it was really challenging to walk on egg shells with an entirely too sensitive kiddo. Our family just wasn't a good fit for her.

 

Now, we did go out of our way to include her, love her, tone it down and understand her. My position was that my son saw something in her that was special and therefore it was my duty to give it my all and make her family. Funny aside, but after they broke up she asked me to go out to lunch with her to talk about some stuff going on in her life. So yeah...weird situation.

 

She never blatantly said she hated us though. That crosses a huge line. Hate is a strong word and that puts up a boundary that is hard to cross. If he is going to be part of the family then that needs to be worked through or it puts DD in a terrible place and she will have to make a choice.

 

I would probably say to DD "so and so doesn't like me and while I want that to be different, I am not sure how to make it different. I feel so uncomfortable and I would really like our family dinner to be free and to not have to be watching everything I say. What are your thoughts?"

 

See what she says, see if you can explain to her in a way that she will understand. Let her know you are open to continuing to try to work it out with BF. I would probably take him out to lunch or coffee, sit down and just be open with him. Explain your personality, why it is the way it is and get him to explain what he sees as "mean". He sounds VERY sensitive.

 

I am sure this was not helpful in this particular instance, but thinking long term I know these things can turn out really bad :(

[SKL]

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your daughter alone.  I would think she would understand since it is HER boyfriend who doesn't like being around you.  I would leave it up to her to either sit it out or come alone.  Tell her you love her company but you know she would not be happy if he was there acting angry.  Maybe she will be relieved to be given an out.  I'm sure this is no fun for her.

 

 

If he comes anyway, just tell yourself this isn't actually your birthday dinner.  Have another dinner with just your dh or some of your kids.

 

Also, let your guard down.  It's your birthday after all.  For once don't let it be about him.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't think it's possible, and it will make things worse.  Maybe you could word it like..."you know I know he doesn't like me so I would be ok if he doesn't feel like coming".  Maybe your daughter encourages him to come and that'll be permission for her to let him off the hook?

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I will say if my father told me not to bring my husband, I wouldn't be going out with my father anywhere. 

 

So that is probably what will happen.

 

 

[Catwoman]

I agree with the suggestions that have already been posted, but I'll add another one.

 

Stop kissing up to the idiot boyfriend.

 

Why is it okay for him to basically tell you he hates you, yet you still have to pat him on the head and act like he's a little prince? That's ridiculous. It's time for you and your dh to sit down with your dd and let her know that the boyfriend's behavior is entirely unacceptable and rude, and that you're sick and tired of being nice to him for dd's sake. Ask her outright how she feels about the situation and ask her to be part of figuring out a solution to save all of the relationships.

 

I know you try to be extra-accommodating to your dd because she's had it so tough with your younger dd, but right now she's just acting entitled and obnoxious if she thinks it's okay for her boyfriend to treat you so poorly. It's not okay.

 

I liked Margaret's suggestion to have your dh talk to your daughter, particularly if you've already tried and haven't gotten any results. Where does your dh stand in all this? I know my dh wouldn't sit quietly if someone was treating me the way the boyfriend is treating you. Maybe it's time for him to step in and get involved.

 

I'm sorry about your birthday dinner. :( If your dd has a good relationship with your dh, have your dh speak to her about how awkward it is when the boyfriend is around and ask her to surprise you by coming alone to the dinner so it can be like old times with just the family. Make it his idea, not your idea. You know nothing of it. ;) Maybe if he frames it as a special surprise for you, she might do it as a gift to you.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Catwoman

[catz]

Honestly, if that just sounded uncomfortable, I'd just cancel it and say the timing doesn't work.  I think it would just be rude to uninvite at this point. 

 

In a couple weeks, I might invite DD and DS out for coffee together or something along those lines and say I'd love to get my 2 kiddos together.  I actually don't think it's a great sign for their relationship is she has a completely different personality when the boy friend is present.  Or did that just start after things started getting tense?

 

ETA - I wouldn't be trying to make super nice with the boyfriend either. 

Edited September 28, 2017 by WoolySocks

[HomeAgain]

I will say if my father told me not to bring my husband, I wouldn't be going out with my father anywhere. 

 

So that is probably what will happen.

 

I don't know.  If my husband was being an idiot and preferring to sit in the car rather than be a civil human being, I'd probably be fed up with his behavior and be glad to not have to make the decision to cajole him into celebrating my parent for the evening.

[goldberry]

I would probably say to DD "so and so doesn't like me and while I want that to be different, I am not sure how to make it different. I feel so uncomfortable and I would really like our family dinner to be free and to not have to be watching everything I say. What are your thoughts?"

 

I would approach it this way.  Not directly asking her not to bring him (which would initiate defensiveness), but see how she responds to this.  Depends on the relationship you have with the daughter though.

[goldberry]

I have a dear friend who deals with this situation long term.  The significant other spoils pretty much every gathering.  It's no fun.  They do quite a few things now with just the nuclear family still at home.

[SKL]

Actually this reminds me of a family situation.  My (now deceased) aunt was married to such a rotten person, nobody liked him, even his mother, who was worse than him.  I am pretty sure my aunt and her children didn't like him but stayed because divorce didn't feel like an option to her.

 

Well, pretty much everyone from her mother to her most casual friend told her:  Anne, you are welcome in my house any time, you know how much we love you.  However, your husband is not welcome here ever.

 

So she went without him, or we visited her when her husband was not home.

 

It was not a great life for her, but it was her choice to stay with him.  May God reward her for it. 

 

Point being, it is not unheard of to not invite someone obnoxious to your birthday party.

[hjffkj]

I think you simply have to tell your dd that you'd like to enjoy your bday dinner without feeling uncomfortable so her bf is not invited. But I'd also acknowledge that if she chooses to skip it too you will miss her but understand her decision.

[DawnM]

Just take the family who lives in your house, or have a nice dinner out with your DH.  I wouldn't even deal with it.  

 

All these types of posts have me very worried about future girlfriends of my boys.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I know it's complicated and you have reasons for submitting. But you are being abused by your daughter's boyfriend. You don't deserve that, Tap. No woman deserves to be abused.

[Catwoman]

Honestly, if that just sounded uncomfortable, I'd just cancel it and say the timing doesn't work.  I think it would just be rude to uninvite at this point. 

 

In a couple weeks, I might invite DD and DS out for coffee together or something along those lines and say I'd love to get my 2 kiddos together.  I actually don't think it's a great sign for their relationship is she has a completely different personality when the boy friend is present.  Or did that just start after things started getting tense?

 

ETA - I wouldn't be trying to make super nice with the boyfriend either.

 

That's such an excellent point about the dd's behavior changing when the boyfriend is around. It made me remember that in past threads, I have been concerned that the boyfriend might be a control freak who is trying to separate Tap's dd from her family. It seems like he's always driving a wedge between them, and that's troubling.

[Catwoman]

I know it's complicated and you have reasons for submitting. But you are being abused by your daughter's boyfriend. You don't deserve that, Tap. No woman deserves to be abused.

:iagree:

 

Yes, and don't forget that if being abusive toward you comes so naturally to him, how will he treat your dd when she doesn't do things exactly the way he demands?

 

For heaven's sake, you have rolled out the red carpet for that young man. You let him sleep over at your house with your dd any time he wanted to, and you served them breakfast in bed! How is that being mean to him?

 

I'm very concerned about his behavior and I'm worried that he might eventually abuse your dd -- and he may already be disturbingly controlling, since you've pointed out that she behaves differently when he's around her.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Catwoman

[heartlikealion]

I'd go one of two ways...

 

• tell her you'd like just her to come. Elaborate a bit... say it's just family and so and so doesn't like me, anyway. (she may refute that and/or be oblivious. Be prepared for that).

 

• Have a third party tell her. Another family member. "Mom just wants family. So plan on coming alone." They may need to elaborate. "So and so doesn't get along with Mom so it makes more sense for him not to come."

 

If other family members are aware you can go with option two and it may be easier to deliver the news.

 

My question is why does he keep coming? Lol. Dude, are you attached at the hip? Does he feel expected to come?

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

The change between brother and sister makes me cry.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. :(

[Catwoman]

I'd go one of two ways...

 

• tell her you'd like just her to come. Elaborate a bit... say it's just family and so and so doesn't like me, anyway. (she may refute that and/or be oblivious. Be prepared for that).

 

• Have a third party tell her. Another family member. "Mom just wants family. So plan on coming alone." They may need to elaborate. "So and so doesn't get along with Mom so it makes more sense for him not to come."

 

If other family members are aware you can go with option two and it may be easier to deliver the news.

 

My question is why does he keep coming? Lol. Dude, are you attached at the hip? Does he feel expected to come?

I keep wondering if he keeps coming because he's insecure and controlling, and he's worried that Tap's family will talk her into breaking up with him if he's not always there to prevent it. It seems like he believes he has to be involved in everything that concerns Tap's dd.

 

Tap's dd probably views him as being concerned about her, but his behavior raises a lot of red flags for me.

[Elizabeth86]

This is tough. I wouldnt want him there I dont blame you. Having him not come to thing will eventually drive a wedge between you and your dd. If it were me I would not not be myself around him. I couldnt. So instead of me causing the rift between me and my dd I would make it be him being the one that says me or your mom instead of you saying to dd me or him. Makes sense?

[Catwoman]

(hugs)

 

The change between brother and sister makes me cry.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. :(

I agree.

 

Tap, can your son talk to your dd about this?

[wintermom]

Is this the same boy who lives with his parents, and your dd is living with them because she can't live in your home? On top of that, they are helping her through some medical issues so that she can continue to work and go to school?  If so, then it would probably be wise to be as gracious as possible to help out your dd and make this young man feel comfortable. I don't think there's much to be gained by intentional excluding him. 

 

I guess you could spin it as an opportunity for brother and sister to have some special time together.

Edited September 28, 2017 by wintermom

[EmseB]

I would have a heart to heart with my daughter and lay out why her boyfriend is being a controlling immature person and I would stop enabling or feeding this behavior by walking on eggshells around him.  I would tell her flat out that I didn't want him at my birthday party because of the way he has treated me and that I was not going to allow him to control me or stifle my enjoyment of life any longer.

 

You are showing your daughter how to react when he acts this way.  You are showing her that his emotional tirades and petulance should be catered to at the expense of one's own happiness.

 

It would break my heart if she didn't want to be around me after that talk and chose the boyfriend over me, but I couldn't in good conscience let her continue to date someone like that who is likely treating her the similarly.  She needs to be told and shown that this is not how people treat each other, and hopefully it will dawn on her that he's not a good choice for a partner.

[BarbecueMom]

I know everyone piles on the boyfriend, but I see much of my own family situation in yours - but from the daughter's POV. The wanting your DD to be funny with a sibling jumped out at me. My mother got very upset when I was an older teen when I stopped wanting to be over the top goofy and crazy with the family and adopted more of DH's (then boyfriend's) quiet reservation. It wasn't really DH's influence that was changing me, it was growing up and realizing, "Whoa, this isn't what I want as my 'normal'." The forced inside jokes (that everyone tried to inject into every conversation), the acting drunk before even taking a sip of alcohol, the randomly breaking out into songs so everyone covers their ears, having several different conversations at once so no one can actually hear - and finding that hilarious.

 

It wasn't that funny anymore. It was exhausting.

 

It looked like DH was pulling me away, but it was me trying to figure out how much of that Carnival of Crazy I wanted to be a part of as an adult. And we still skip a lot more family events to her dismay.

 

Anyway, I'm sure this isn't exactly what's going on here, because there's so much else, but it might be part of it.

 

FWIW, my mother has accused DH of being mean to her a few times. But those times were when she was doing something in our home that needed to stop (interjecting herself into conversation, singing and dancing for attention when DH and I were talking together, answering for the kids when we asked them questions), and he was firm, but not mean. Then again, when she's asked to fix something at work, she calls it yelling. Because it feels like being yelled at.

[heartlikealion]

I keep wondering if he keeps coming because he's insecure and controlling, and he's worried that Tap's family will talk her into breaking up with him if he's not always there to prevent it. It seems like he believes he has to be involved in everything that concerns Tap's dd.

 

Tap's dd probably views him as being concerned about her, but his behavior raises a lot of red flags for me.

 

I hadn't really thought about it from that angle. I was just thinking that he needed some other friends so he could go out that night and do his own thing. He probably doesn't want to sit at home alone.

 

[JudoMom]

:iagree:

 

Yes, and don't forget that if being abusive toward you comes so naturally to him, how will he treat your dd when she doesn't do things exactly the way he demands?

 

For heaven's sake, you have rolled out the red carpet for that young man. You let him sleep over at your house with your dd any time he wanted to, and you served them breakfast in bed! How is that being mean to him?

 

I'm very concerned about his behavior and I'm worried that he might eventually abuse your dd -- and he may already be disturbingly controlling, since you've pointed out that she behaves differently when he's around her.

 

Yep.

 

I was in an abusive, controlling relationship for 5 years.  I know my parents were afraid of losing any connection they had with me, so they said nothing.  I wish they had called a spade a spade and not danced around the situation that the guy was an ass.  It started out small, with him telling me certain things I couldn't do.  Buy the time I left him, he'd chased me with a butcher knife and threatened to hunt me down and kill me and he'd threatened to kill himself.  I was like a frog being boiled, until I no longer knew what was normal.  

 

This guy is an ass.  Don't be afraid to tell your daughter the truth.

 

[EmseB]

Is this the same boy who lives with his parents, and your dd is living with them because she can't live in your home? On top of that, they are helping her through some medical issues so that she can continue to work and go to school?  If so, then it would probably be wise to be as gracious as possible to help out your dd and make this young man feel comfortable. I don't think there's much to be gained by intentional excluding him. 

 

I guess you could spin it as an opportunity for brother and sister to have some special time together.

 

This man is manipulating someone's birthday party to make everyone miserable. Yes, there's something to be gained by intentionally excluding him.  A) Showing Tap's daughter that people shouldn't be treated that way, and B) Having a good time at one's own birthday dinner.

 

No, this guy doesn't get to make everyone feel awkward and miserable because he has some kind of chip on his shoulder. The daughter should be running far, far away from this guy despite whatever material things he provides her.

[Catwoman]

I hadn't really thought about it from that angle. I was just thinking that he needed some other friends so he could go out that night and do his own thing. He probably doesn't want to sit at home alone.

 

Maybe, but if he can't sit home alone for one night every now and then, that's a problem, too.

 

And he wouldn't even be alone -- he lives with his family. I don't know if he has other friends, but he's in college, so I would assume he would have some friends, right?

[EmseB]

Yep.

 

I was in an abusive, controlling relationship for 5 years.  I know my parents were afraid of losing any connection they had with me, so they said nothing.  I wish they had called a spade a spade and not danced around the situation that the guy was an ass.  It started out small, with him telling me certain things I couldn't do.  Buy the time I left him, he'd chased me with a butcher knife and threatened to hunt me down and kill me and he'd threatened to kill himself.  I was like a frog being boiled, until I no longer knew what was normal.  

 

This guy is an ass.  Don't be afraid to tell your daughter the truth.

 

 

YES!

[Catwoman]

Yep.

 

I was in an abusive, controlling relationship for 5 years. I know my parents were afraid of losing any connection they had with me, so they said nothing. I wish they had called a spade a spade and not danced around the situation that the guy was an ass. It started out small, with him telling me certain things I couldn't do. Buy the time I left him, he'd chased me with a butcher knife and threatened to hunt me down and kill me and he'd threatened to kill himself. I was like a frog being boiled, until I no longer knew what was normal.

 

This guy is an ass. Don't be afraid to tell your daughter the truth.

 

I "liked" your post, but I didn't like what happened to you! :eek: :( :grouphug:

 

Thank goodness you finally got out of that situation!

[EmseB]

I keep wondering if he keeps coming because he's insecure and controlling, and he's worried that Tap's family will talk her into breaking up with him if he's not always there to prevent it. It seems like he believes he has to be involved in everything that concerns Tap's dd.

 

Tap's dd probably views him as being concerned about her, but his behavior raises a lot of red flags for me.

 

I think this is exactly what he's doing.  I guarantee it. He's making sure she's not having fun without him and everyone around Tap's DD is enabling him.

[heartlikealion]

Maybe, but if he can't sit home alone for one night every now and then, that's a problem, too.

 

And he wouldn't even be alone -- he lives with his family. I don't know if he has other friends, but he's in college, so I would assume he would have some friends, right?

 

I forgot he lived with family. And yes, I agree that's a problem, too. I worry one or both of them are too dependent (medical needs aside, that is. That is understandable).

 

[Catwoman]

Is this the same boy who lives with his parents, and your dd is living with them because she can't live in your home? On top of that, they are helping her through some medical issues so that she can continue to work and go to school? If so, then it would probably be wise to be as gracious as possible to help out your dd and make this young man feel comfortable. I don't think there's much to be gained by intentional excluding him.

 

I guess you could spin it as an opportunity for brother and sister to have some special time together.

I don't think the boyfriend gets to blackmail the family into kissing up to him because of the nice things he and his family do for Tap's dd. I don't think that gives him the right to treat Tap like dirt.

 

Obviously, Tap needs to be willing to lose the boyfriend's help if he and her dd break up, but is his help really worth the price of a dd's relationship with her family? Because this boyfriend is clearly trying to separate Tap's dd from her family.

[EmseB]

I would assume he would have some friends, right?

 

If he doesn't have other social activities or interests, that is another huge red flag.

[Callie]

What is the chance your dd  complained bitterly to him  about what happened to her when youngest dd became part of the family?  Could that be why he has such a hatred of you?  And he just uses the excuse your mean to him to not betray her trust?  It just seems so odd for him to dislike you so.

 

 

[Bootsie]

This man is manipulating someone's birthday party to make everyone miserable. Yes, there's something to be gained by intentionally excluding him.  A) Showing Tap's daughter that people shouldn't be treated that way, and B) Having a good time at one's own birthday dinner.

 

No, this guy doesn't get to make everyone feel awkward and miserable because he has some kind of chip on his shoulder. The daughter should be running far, far away from this guy despite whatever material things he provides her.

How is he manipulating someone's birthday party?  What action has he taken to do this?  All I have heard is Tap would prefer for him not to be there (I have not even heard that an invitation has been issued and accepted or rejected.)  

[Ravin]

I would be blunt with your daughter: "Your boyfriend doesn't like me and has said as much, so please don't bring him to my birthday celebration as I would like to actually enjoy it."

 

[ErinE]

How is he manipulating someone's birthday party?  What action has he taken to do this?  All I have heard is Tap would prefer for him not to be there (I have not even heard that an invitation has been issued and accepted or rejected.)  

 

He doesn't want Tap to talk to him when he's around. In my opinion, that's being manipulative with his girlfriend's mother.

Edited September 28, 2017 by ErinE

[lllll]

Seems to me that the time to take a stand is NOW - not after your dd marries the guy, or whatever.  I'd instantly stop the walking on eggshells around him, say what I think (to both of them, btw), and let the chips fall where they may.  I mean, you've already tried it the 'nice way' and that isn't working.  What else can you really do?

[ErinE]

Tap, I wish I had more advice than what you've been given. A sibling was in a relationship with a controlling person and no one could stand to have the SO around. For the sake of keeping the relationship open with my sibling, my mother kept inviting both to everything. She would point out when the SO was wrong or being unkind, but she bit her tongue many times. The SO never tried to control my mother's conversation though. That raises a huge red flag for me.