WWYD? Friend's kids and food

[RoundAbout]

Please don't quote as I will probably edit this for privacy later.

 

We have some good friends who don't seem to feed their kids enough. I'm not talking about malnourishment or anything even remotely on that level! Just that they wait too long between meals, never bring snacks, rarely give seconds, etc. This wouldn't be a problem for some kids, but these kids are obsessed with food and get downright hangry! As an example we might do a 9am-1pm outing with them. The minute we start the day the kids will be asking to stop for food, beg to go a cafe, ask when/where we are stopping for lunch, and even directly complain they are hungry. Given that it might be a one hour drive to/from our destination the kids are essentially going 8am-2pm with no food and it definitely affects their behavior (full-on meltdowns). There are other things - like when we have dinner together the 10 year-old never seems to get to eat her fill, and is encouraged to order off the children's menu at a restaurant even though she is adult sized, very thin, an athlete, and *always* cleans her plate. When we have them over for dinner the kids ask about food immediately and eat A LOT. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I don't want to get too specific but believe me when I say its crossed over from quirky to seriously uncomfortable. This is a middle class professional family so definitely not a poverty issue. I think it boils down to two things:

 

1) Parents are very light eaters so do not understand how hungry the kids get.

 

2) Money/inflexibility - they are not poor but they stick a budget very tightly, and won't spend money if they haven't planned it in advance even when the situation has changed (ex. hike takes much longer than we expected).

 

I have a hard time understanding this because I bring food/water with us anytime I expect an outing to take longer than a few hours. To me its obvious that hungry kids get cranky and its a no-brainer to pack a few protein bars and a water bottle or even a small treat to boost morale. If I expect an event to go past noon I bring lunch or am prepared to buy something. I hate having to buy food at overpriced museum cafes as much as the next person but I also don't think my child should suffer because of my lack of planning. 

 

I've tried solving this problem by bringing enough for everyone but it starts to look awkward: "Hey, here's 5 extra sandwiches for everyone!" and isn't always feasible. I don't think there is a delicate way to bring this up without damaging the friendship. Any suggestions on how to handle this in the future?

[Liza Q]

How do your friends react when you say you have some extra sandwiches? Are they indifferent or thankful or ??? I'm assuming their kids are pleased!!

 

ETA: Another thought. Are your friends really inflexible about whining/begging/complaining? While I was always planning ahead with food - kids get hungry! - I had a zero-tolerance policy with whining. The more they begged and drove me crazy, the less they got. If they wanted ice cream and I said Not today, here's a juice box and a granola bar, I expected them to deal with it. If they whined, I would take away the granola bar.

 

BUT. I always ran an outing past my husband so sometimes I knew that I had the extra $$ for ice cream. I would tell them that so they knew ice cream was likely, no begging needed! And if we were out with another family or 2, we moms would discuss the treat situation. Either everyone got ice cream or no one did, kwim? We didn't want anyone to feel left out!

Edited September 28, 2017 by Liza Q

[HomeAgain]

I think this is one of those things you have to build into the expectations of the day for your friend.  "We'll be breaking for a picnic lunch at 12.  I'm packing this, this, and this in our picnic so we don't have to eat out.  What are you guys bringing?"  And also pointing out the kids' behavior: "He sounds hangry.  When did you last eat?" And then looking appalled if it's been more than 5 hours.  "Oh, honey!  Kids are little energy machines!  They need food about every 4-5 hours, chica!  Here, let's see what I have in my purse."

 

 

My kid doesn't snack usually.  He eats at 7:30/8, 12, 4, and 7.  4 is a light meal/large snack, I guess.  It never fails to annoy me when parents whip out snack at library, playgroup, etc. when kids really should focus on playing or being attentive - it brought bad habits into our house of food any time a child was bored.  So we stopped.  But it means that sometimes we're caught unawares when events run longer than I think.  I'm a light eater but the absolute routine makes it so our house runs well for our kid.

 

But honestly - the restrictions on food and the lack of recognition of these things may point to a deeper issue and a possible disorder on her part of how she approaches food. 

[RoundAbout]

To answer Liza's question the kids are usually super pleased when we bring extra food unless its something they hate. The 10-year old especially is always very interested in what food we bring to picnics, wants to peek in our cooler, etc. The parents usually roll their eyes and think the kids are exaggerating their hunger but let them accept the food. 

[Guest]

Start with adults making food plans before outing.  After outing, adults sit down and reflect -- how did that work out?  Did we bring the right kind of nutrition, did we bring enough calories for the activity we were doing, did we bring enough water, did we break at good times? What can we do better next time so no one is hangry, or asking for food?

 

ime dc athlete guests will be hungry, they may have practiced earlier and not have been allowed to eat because they were going out.  Pbjs or turkey/cranberry sauce sandwiches are good appetizers for them. Don't offer anyting they view as a treat, just basic nutritious food. From my scout leader experience, I know that many who are restricted at home will binge when the opportunity arises.

 

 

Edited September 28, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[Zinnia]

From the other side....one of my kids will eat and eat and eat when the opportunity presents.

 

I have a child that leans toward the anxious side of things in social situations. If we take a picnic, he eats his serving, my serving, and his brothers' servings (they are usually too busy being social to bother eating). He will happily accept food from other people.

 

Then, we get in the car, he's full and happy, but my other two are starving, and there is no food left for them. I have stopped at Chick fil A so many times from this scenario. So.many.times. The alternative is to drive with hangry children in traffic. Or these days, I keep boring granola bars as back up food. But it took me YEARS to figure this out. Embarrassingly long time.

 

To other people, it looks like he doesn't eat at home, but it's just his anxiety coming out.

 

My kids are also obsessed with sweets and especially sweet drinks. When they were little, they would drink sweet drinks (juice, lemonade), then not eat food because they were full of drink, then melt down when the sugar high wore off. (This repeats at parties or holidays if we allow sugar drinks.) Because of this and a super high number of cavities, we transitioned to water only many years ago. We have a sugar drink on Friday nights. But my kids are CRAZY obsessed with sugar drinks, and they ask every.single.day, multiple times a day for them (if we pass by a store, they ask to stop and buy, despite this being our family culture for 6+ years.)

Edited September 28, 2017 by Zinnia

[Noreen Claire]

From the other side....one of my kids will eat and eat and eat when the opportunity presents.

 

I have a child that leans toward the anxious side of things in social situations. If we take a picnic, he eats his serving, my serving, and his brothers' servings (they are usually too busy being social to bother eating). He will happily accept food from other people.

 

Then, we get in the car, he's full and happy, but my other two are starving, and there is no food left for them. I have stopped at Chick fil A so many times from this scenario. So.many.times. The alternative is to drive with hangry children in traffic. Or these days, I keep boring granola bars as back up food. But it took me YEARS to figure this out. Embarrassingly long time.

 

To other people, it looks like he doesn't eat at home, but it's just his anxiety coming out.

 

My kids are also obsessed with sweets and especially sweet drinks. When they were little, they would drink sweet drinks (juice, lemonade), then not eat food because they were full of drink, then melt down when the sugar high wore off. (This repeats at parties or holidays if we allow sugar drinks.) Because of this and a super high number of cavities, we transitioned to water only many years ago. We have a sugar drink on Friday nights. But my kids are CRAZY obsessed with sugar drinks, and they ask every.single.day, multiple times a day for them (if we pass by a store, they ask to stop and buy, despite this being our family culture for 6+ years.)

 

Seriously, I could have written this myself! Exactly! From the anxious kid who will clear the snack table at a party all by himself right down to the one sugary drink on Friday nights (with pizza takeout). They may also get one glass of chocolate milk during the week, but not always. However, my kids are obsessed about candy and juice all.the.time. *sigh*

[catz]

I might do a couple different things.  I might plan shorter outings for a couple hours with this family.  Like maybe 10-12 am or 1-3 pm.  OR if I were going to do something over a meal time,  when planning with the parent I might say "If we're going to be at the zoo from 10-2, I will be packing a picnic for my kids.  Do you want to do that or would you prefer to not meet over a mealtime?"  I would not be packing food for them - ugh that could get expensive.   If you wanted to bring snacks for your kids, I might bring the exact number of bars or whatever to cover your kids.  I might even say something like "I'm sorry I only had enough for us today.  Maybe you'll remember to pack your own next time!"

 

I'm pretty laid back about having extra food, my kids aren't huge eaters, but no way would I continually let my kids mooch off another family like this. 

[Rachel]

Well, my kids always start begging for snacks when we are around other moms who typically pack snacks. It doesn't matter how much they had for breakfast. I believe in eating a good breakfast and no snacking in the morning. We eat a late enough breakfast and an early enough lunch that they don't need a snack. It drives me nuts when people try to push snacks on them because it's never an apple or watermelon or something healthy. It's always something with empty calories like goldfish. Or fake healthy like whatever 3 ingredient cookie has been going around Pinterest lately.

 

If the kids start begging for food right away, it sounds more like a behavior and whining issue than hunger. I don't know a polite way to address parenting issues if you aren't asked. I can't stand whining and I probably would avoid hanging out with this family just because of the whining. 😜

 

In this specific case, 8-2 is too long for kids to go without eating. I think you need to build lunch into your outing plan. Arrange ahead of time to pack lunches. Maybe you could divide it up and each be responsible for part of the meal.

[JFSinIL]

When I babysat the neighbors three kids, the two older girls were always saying they were hungry, mom had no food in the house, etc.  I finally asked the mom out of the kid's hearing about it - I knew the family was scraping by and perhaps the kids WERE hungry.  The mom was a little pissed (at the girls, not me) and said she had food at home - but the girls liked my food better. A stay-at-home mom, I baked and had a lot of tasty stuff on hand while she only could offer cheese sandwiches or an apple as a snack.  

 

Growing up, though, I babysat different neighbors who were penny-pinching - the mom left small snacks for the kids, but if I ate anything in their house, she figured the value and deducted it from my pay. Which she also used a calculator to figure to the last penny.  If I got a dollar an hour (hey, back then that was a lot!) but she was only gone 2 hours and 50 minutes, I did NOT get three dollars, I got two dollars and about 80 cents.

Didn't sit for her often.  But sometimes my mom forced me, since it was the neighborly thing to do. :-(

[Rachel]

^OP Just to clarify, I have a particular snack pusher in my life, not saying you are one.

[SKL]

When one of them has a meltdown, you could kindly say something like "some kids do this because of blood sugar spikes, and it helps a lot to have them eat more often.  Have you ever tried giving her a protein-rich food or snack between meals?  You might want to try that and see if it helps."  Use "I have a friend...." or "one of my kids ...." if you can do so without lying.

 

While eating together, you could pleasantly mention how amazing it is the way kids' appetites grow when they are hitting puberty / in a growth spurt / doing sports.  You could give an example of a kid you know (or yourself as a child) eating twice as much as an adult at those times (or similar).

 

If they won't do it, I would suggest you bring protein-rich snacks for everyone when you go out together.  Don't make an issue of it, just include everyone.

 

It sounds to me like the parents have been doing things a certain way and haven't considered that they need to change it up for this time of their kids' lives.

 

I have two ten-year-olds (going on 11), and the amount of increase in their food intake over the past two years is boggling.  I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it.  Sometimes it's hard to know where to draw the line between "enough" and "overeating."

 

 

[marbel]

As others have said, I would specifically discuss eating plans ahead of time. I'd also make it clear that I would be bringing enough for my kids only, something like "we're going to be out x hours, so my kids will need a snack. I know I usually have enough to share but won't be able to." When her kids start looking expectantly at your cooler, say lightly "sorry, we only have enough for our family!" It will likely take a while to break the habit.

 

I've never experienced what you're describing but it does sound annoying. But from the other side, if I was trying to manage my family differently (like having them eat substantial meals and not snacking), I'd be annoyed if another mom was always ready to feed my kids. It sounds as if you are just not compatible.  You describe her as a good friend, but in my experience a good friend is someone I can discuss such things with. "Hey, I've noticed that whenever we are out, your kids need food but you don't ever have any.  What's up with that?"

Edited September 28, 2017 by marbel

[SKL]

Maybe a cultural difference, but I would never allow my kids to eat in front of hungry friends without offering the friends some.  That feels cruel.

[RoundAbout]

I think occasionally its about whining/pickiness/control but most of the time its definitely about hunger. They have admitted to me that one of the kids doesn't like to eat breakfast first thing so on one occasion at least we were talking about probably 16+ hours with no food and it showed in their behavior! I have brought unappetizing snacks before like plain rice cakes and the kids will still eat them so I don't doubt they really are hungry. In some case like hiking I feel like its a safety issue not to bring food. Young kids walking 5+ miles get hungry and if there is an injury and we get stuck out longer or split up then it could easily be dangerous. Maybe I should use that angle?

 

I definitely think I probably need to bring up food explicitly as part of our planning for outings. Bringing food for everyone does get expensive and I have started to resent it. I'm definitely not a snack pusher, and probably the opposite with this family as I know once I get something out for my son it may cause problems.

[Elizabeth86]

Ugh this would would drive me crazy. Food is first around here. We may skimp on everything, but we all eat what we want and keep the house warm. I dont have good advice, but I would promise you my dh would probably end up saying something to them. The only other thing that annoys me more than not feeding their kids what they need is people asking kids to eat more after they say they are done.

 

I hope somene has something helpful. I am just annoyed for you.

 

After reading a bit I do realize not everyone is a snack family. We dont snack tons, but it isnt right at all to hike 5+ miles with no snack..

I cannot imagine not bringing something for this or letting my kids eat in front of them. I just dont think I could spend much time with them.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Guinevere]

I can take a lot in terms of parenting differences, but not 16 hours of no food for a kid. You need to say something. I'd come at it from a place of assuming there's something going on and she's embarrassed to say, or that she really doesn't know how not ok that is.

[Elizabeth86]

From the other side....one of my kids will eat and eat and eat when the opportunity presents.

 

I have a child that leans toward the anxious side of things in social situations. If we take a picnic, he eats his serving, my serving, and his brothers' servings (they are usually too busy being social to bother eating). He will happily accept food from other people.

 

Then, we get in the car, he's full and happy, but my other two are starving, and there is no food left for them. I have stopped at Chick fil A so many times from this scenario. So.many.times. The alternative is to drive with hangry children in traffic. Or these days, I keep boring granola bars as back up food. But it took me YEARS to figure this out. Embarrassingly long time.

 

To other people, it looks like he doesn't eat at home, but it's just his anxiety coming out.

 

My kids are also obsessed with sweets and especially sweet drinks. When they were little, they would drink sweet drinks (juice, lemonade), then not eat food because they were full of drink, then melt down when the sugar high wore off. (This repeats at parties or holidays if we allow sugar drinks.) Because of this and a super high number of cavities, we transitioned to water only many years ago. We have a sugar drink on Friday nights. But my kids are CRAZY obsessed with sugar drinks, and they ask every.single.day, multiple times a day for them (if we pass by a store, they ask to stop and buy, despite this being our family culture for 6+ years.)

Hmm that is intetesting. I wouldnt have thought of thos scenario. Maybe what is going on with her kids??

[catz]

Maybe a cultural difference, but I would never allow my kids to eat in front of hungry friends without offering the friends some.  That feels cruel.

 

I don't know.  In the context of many homeschool groups I've participated in, it isn't unusual to not share food just due to personal familiy diet quirks and allergies unless it was a designated potluck.  When my kids were younger, my son just needed a granola bar sometimes.  We had weekly park days with a number of homeschool families.  I always had ONE in my purse.  My daughter who was younger could play for hours with nothing.  He would hit a wall at about 90 minutes where either I needed to feed him something or we'd have to go home.  He has always been a bean pole. 

Edited September 28, 2017 by WoolySocks

[RoundAbout]

Yes, its definitely at the point where we are reluctant to spend time with them, but I would like to change that. I honestly think the parents don't eat much and skip breakfast themselves and so food is just not on their radar that much. I'm kind of the opposite because I know how quickly my own attitude is affected by low blood sugar.  I'm not opposed to saying something directly but want to be gentle. Building a picnic or lunch stop into our plans from the get-go is probably a good idea. I will definitely come back to this thread to update!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

However I handled this, the only thing I could NEVER do is to let my kids eat in front of them. That's way too high up on the list of never-nevers. But I can't afford to support another family full of children, so I'd probably stick to short, local outings that are legitimately between meals.

 

I've got extended family that I don't invite over anymore, unless I'm able to cook a Thanksgiving feast's worth of extra food. Once when we got together at my house, we planned to each deal with lunch for our own kids because of some special diets and such. So I had cooked my kids' meal. She had brought a panful of black beans and a bag of clementines. For 10 children. Obviously, I started cooking.

 

When this happens, we shouldn't assume that there's neither poverty nor abuse. People look middle class, or richer than us, all the time while being unable to afford food. So there are questions to be asked. And some people do starve their kids, out of control or religious ideology or ignorance. (My family member's problem is usually ignorance.) Hungry children need outside help.

[Guest]

Maybe a cultural difference, but I would never allow my kids to eat in front of hungry friends without offering the friends some.  That feels cruel.

 

I used to feel that way, then I realized the parents were using me and the kids were playing the parents.  We went to the ten essentials list. before we leave the parking lot, we check for ten essentials - hydration and extra nutrition are always on the list.  no have, no go hiking. We can go to the playground instead for a few hours and I'll bring the pb and the bread.

 

Also had problems with relatives bringing their kids and expecting me to feed them a full hot breakfast before departure or buying them fast food on the way. um, no. If the kiddo doesn't want what you planned when it was breakfast time at your house, he packs it, and he can eat it when he's ready.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[Elizabeth86]

I don't know. In the context of many homeschool groups I've participated in, it isn't unusual to not share food just due to personal familiy diet quirks and allergies unless it was a designated potluck. When my kids were younger, my son just needed a granola bar sometimes. We had weekly park days with a number of homeschool families. I always had ONE in my purse. My daughter who was younger could play for hours with nothing. He would hit a wall at about 90 minutes where either I needed to feed him something or we'd have to go home. He has always been a bean pole.

Sounds like us. My boys NEED food. Dd like never eats.

[Elizabeth86]

Yes, its definitely at the point where we are reluctant to spend time with them, but I would like to change that. I honestly think the parents don't eat much and skip breakfast themselves and so food is just not on their radar that much. I'm kind of the opposite because I know how quickly my own attitude is affected by low blood sugar. I'm not opposed to saying something directly but want to be gentle. Building a picnic or lunch stop into our plans from the get-go is probably a good idea. I will definitely come back to this thread to update!

Please do I would love to see how it goes. Dh is like this. He doesnt eat beside black coffee all morning for like 6 hours or more. Me and the boys are always hungry and it surprises him we are "alredy hungry" lol. I guess a pot of black coffee keeps some people full..

[Guinevere]

I will also say that people might wonder about us sometimes, but what they don't know is that I fed my kids a large meal before arriving, and we are going to put favorite restaurant when we leave. Then after our evening commitment, we are getting ice cream. So maybe we are eating at 10 and 4 that day, but it appears that we skipped lunch. Obviously, if you are with them for longer hours, you know they aren't eating.

 

But like in Tibbie's example, I could have brought enough to sit down and eat a bit to be social, but my food plan have been a drive thru before and after because it was too much for me to pack that much food.

[SKL]

Yes, its definitely at the point where we are reluctant to spend time with them, but I would like to change that. I honestly think the parents don't eat much and skip breakfast themselves and so food is just not on their radar that much. I'm kind of the opposite because I know how quickly my own attitude is affected by low blood sugar.  I'm not opposed to saying something directly but want to be gentle. Building a picnic or lunch stop into our plans from the get-go is probably a good idea. I will definitely come back to this thread to update!

 

I think this (the bold) would be a good opening then.  They may not be making the connection, especially if they themselves don't have this problem.

 

I do have a kid with that issue and we generally don't bring snacks on hikes.  But for us it's a matter of how much time has elapsed.  And if my kid says she is hungry - by golly we need to find some food.  Some people probably think I spoil my kid because I'm so all over her eating on time, but trust me, it's self-preservation.  :P

[Carol in Cal.]

I grew up like that.

 

My mom hated to cook and was not good at it, and also was a penny pincher so meat was fairly strictly rationed and starch and (overcooked, mushy, vile tasting) veggies were pushed.  My dad was an old school hiker who believed in living off the land and carrying as little as possible, while trying not to use up your supplies, so we would be out all day in very hot weather with a canteen of water and one sandwich, and he would be telling us to try not to drink the water, in the manner of the French Polynesian canoers in "Hawaii" practicing living on a mouthful of water per day.  

 

Looking back on it, on the few occasions when we did outings with other families, I am sure that I ate more than my share of food, because it just tasted so good.  I wouldn't say I was obsessed with food, but it was so nice to have ample food that tasted good that I might have seemed that way to outsiders.

 

I did not stick with that way of eating in adulthood, but I hate to think of anyone trying to change my parents.  That would not have gone well at all for anyone, least of all me.  

 

In similar circumstances, I bring good food and share it, but don't necessarily buy extra junk.  That's my stance, and it works for me.  YMMV.  

Edited September 28, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[Liza Q]

If the parents roll their eyes and think that the kids are exaggerating, it seems like they really think that their kids' behavior is whining/ridiculousness, not hunger at all. But it doesn't sound like a discipline (I don't mean punishment, just that they might be dealing with whining or exaggerating)  issue if they actually let the kids eat what you have.Then again, I was never in this position as  I would discuss food plans with friends and acquaintances if we were going spend time together.

 

Are you ever with them at a meal at their home? Do they serve plenty of food or are they serving plates from the kitchen and counting rolls or only serving vegetables or whatever and you hear/see that their children - not to mention you! -  are still hungry? Because maybe it is just a thing where they want their children to eat primarily at home/super healthily/a very specific diet.

[Elizabeth86]

I think this (the bold) would be a good opening then. They may not be making the connection, especially if they themselves don't have this problem.

 

I do have a kid with that issue and we generally don't bring snacks on hikes. But for us it's a matter of how much time has elapsed. And if my kid says she is hungry - by golly we need to find some food. Some people probably think I spoil my kid because I'm so all over her eating on time, but trust me, it's self-preservation. :P

Thats how my boys are too. If I am hungry you cant stand to be around me.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I will also say that people might wonder about us sometimes, but what they don't know is that I fed my kids a large meal before arriving, and we are going to put favorite restaurant when we leave. Then after our evening commitment, we are getting ice cream. So maybe we are eating at 10 and 4 that day, but it appears that we skipped lunch. Obviously, if you are with them for longer hours, you know they aren't eating.

 

But like in Tibbie's example, I could have brought enough to sit down and eat a bit to be social, but my food plan have been a drive thru before and after because it was too much for me to pack that much food.

I thought of that so I asked outright. The answer was that they had been doing a bone broth detox for a week and were in their period of ramping back up to solid food. They were up to beans and fruit. Children!!!!!!!

 

She was feeding them now, and her dh - who does feed the children - had come home from a distance job situation and put a stop to fad experiments, so I didn't call child protective services. I just fed them.

 

Now guess how they do at homeschooling.

[MEmama]

Ugh, that sounds worrisome and frustrating.

 

I would make sure to verbally plan lunch and/or snack breaks with the mom. Like, "I was thinking the waterfall sounds like a nice place for a picnic lunch before turning back.". If she needs more of a hint than that, I'd continue "I'll bring the sandwiches if you want to bring the fruit and treats. We should remember a water bottle for each of our kids too.". Really lay it out there so there's no miscommunication, and so she knows that feeding time is built in to the outing.

 

I've struggled my entire life with the low blood sugar thing and I have an athletic kid who is always hungry, so food is my number one concern. I can go overboard with how much I pack, but at least I know we'll never run low and find ourselves in an emergency situation.

 

Good luck. I really hope there isn't something sad going on behind the scenes.

[MEmama]

I thought of that so I asked outright. The answer was that they had been doing a bone broth detox for a week and were in their period of ramping back up to solid food. They were up to beans and fruit. Children!!!!!!!

 

She was feeding them now, and her dh - who does feed the children - had come home from a distance job situation and put a stop to fad experiments, so I didn't call child protective services. I just fed them.

 

Now guess how they do at homeschooling.

:(

[RoundAbout]

To answer Liza's question we have eaten with them at their home many times and while the food is good and there is always enough its usually *just enough* and their oldest usually wants seconds. My DH is a big guy and an athlete so I figured they just weren't used to planning around guests who are bigger eaters but now I wonder if that's just how they do things. We started bringing rather large appetizers over to compensate and always make sure its something the kids will eat. When we have them over I plan on things that are super kid friendly like tacos and also make sure there are lots of healthy side dishes like a veggie tray, big pot of rice and beans, or fruit in case the kids are still hungry. 

[forty-two]

My sil is like this. In her case, it is because she's paranoid about her kids overeating and becoming fat like her (I know this for a fact, because she says it straight out). It's hard to deal with for a lot of reasons, especially because she doesn't usually allow her kids to have any of our snacks. (I'm very strict about never eating in front of people without offering to share.) So my options are to let my kids eat in front of her hungry kids, or to let my kids go hungry - it's kind of a lose-lose thing :(.

 

And it usually comes up because that side of the family isn't very good about planning and things *always* take longer than expected. I always carry snacks and water for me and the kids (because we need them), and for outings with them, I even take stuff for dh (who usually doesn't need anything). I have plenty to share - but the cousins aren't allowed to have any.

 

When the kids were younger, I ended up just letting them eat in front of their hungry cousins, as much as it bothered me, because my kids were too young to deal with hunger well nor did they understand why all of a sudden they couldn't have their usual snack. (Kind of justified it under the notion that "different parents do different things" went both ways. In SIL's defense, she never complained about my kids having snacks.). Now that my kids are older, they understand waiting till they aren't in front of their cousins, and it's usually possible to do it.

[happi duck]

Her kids seem hangry and she has no food for them:

"Why didn't you bring snacks? The kids seem like they need something."

 

Then go from there.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

When I said we wouldn't eat in front of them, I didn't mean we would become a perpetual chuck wagon. I meant that we'd either have the conversation, or we would only see them for a few hours at a time.

[Sneezyone]

How old are the kids? Is it an issue of the parents not understanding or adjusting to the increasing dietary needs of preteens and teens? If so, I'd chat about it with the other parent. If not, I'd take Wooly socks' approach and not eat over mealtimes.

 

We had a friend of DSs over who eats more than DS but he was also a bigger boy and in the middle of puberty so anytime food came out he was game, totally normal IMO. I did feel bad for mom tho as I'm sure it was a bit awkward. I never minded that.

[mellifera33]

I thought of that so I asked outright. The answer was that they had been doing a bone broth detox for a week and were in their period of ramping back up to solid food. They were up to beans and fruit. Children!.

There was a bone broth-heavy "protocol" that was popular a few years ago that claimed to heal all sorts of conditions, including asd/adhd. I always wondered if the kids on the protocol who became calmer were actually lethargic because they were hungry.

[MEmama]

How old are the kids? Is it an issue of the parents not understanding or adjusting to the increasing dietary needs of preteens and teens? If so, I'd chat about it with the other parent. If not, I'd take Wooly socks' approach and not eat over mealtimes.

 

We had a friend of DSs over who eats more than DS but he was also a bigger boy and in the middle of puberty so anytime food came out he was game, totally normal IMO. I did feel bad for mom tho as I'm sure it was a bit awkward. I never minded that.

This is my kid. His friends' parents know he's a ginormous eater and get a kick out of it. I'll never forget the day one of his buddies watched him, totally astounded, and said "Dude! Where do you PUT it all?!?". Omg I laughed for ages. He's super thin, too, just really athletic and active.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to derail.

[Liza Q]

Fromn what you've said, they seem to be not-big-eaters and just expect their children to be the same way. And it's possible that some of their kids complaining is just that - complaining. My kids often wanted treats or to eat out, nothing to do with hunger, becasue ice cream and Applebees are fun!!! I was able to tune them out because I knew what they had just eaten/had snacks/had a budget issue/had a plan. I was generally up front with them - no, we have granola bars and apples. No, we're having pizza with Daddy later. No, the ice cream man is too $$$, we have ice cream at home. Oh - let me see if your friends can have ice cream. IF they can, so can you. Oh, we're running late, I only have $5., lets see what we can get and share till we get home. Oh wow - I planned a treat for you and all of your friends - here you go! Being responsive but firm cut down on the asking and generally led to better attitudes. The fact that your friends are always just "no" does sound odd to me!

 

The child who doesn't eat breakfast before they go? They may figure that he is just suffering from the consequences of pickiness and are trying to train him to eat at mealtimes. Hard but not necessarily bad parenting.

 

The child who is an athlete/growing? Sounds truly hungry. And that's the one I would bring up. Growth spurts might be a good way to start. Or something your pediatrician told you about nutrition as kids get older/bigger. Or ask if the child's coach had said anything about increased hunger. Not a general criticism like You need to feed your kids more. kwim?

 

Like someone uopthred said, if you are close enough to spend so much time together, you should be close enough to bring this up!

[SKL]

This is my kid. His friends' parents know he's a ginormous eater and get a kick out of it. I'll never forget the day one of his buddies watched him, totally astounded, and said "Dude! Where do you PUT it all?!?". Omg I laughed for ages. He's super thin, too, just really athletic and active.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to derail.

 

My kids have a sleepover friend who either hates or loves our offerings.  If she loves it, watch out.  I think one day she drank about 10 little bottles of Dannon yogurt smoothie.  :P  Maybe more.  But at the same time, one of my kids can eat pierogies like there's no tomorrow.  So be warned.  :P

 

[bluemongoose]

My mother was similar to forty-two's sister. She was afraid we would become overweight and she said so all the time. We also didn't have a lot of money, so I am sure that played into it too. I think for my mom, she didn't realize that we were also getting a lot of sugar/carb foods that just didn't stick to us long, so we were always hungry. They made meals, but seconds were frowned on usually. I also have low blood sugar issues. My parents say I was always the cranky one....ummm ya.  :glare:

 

So maybe it is a combination of issues? Either way, it does sound like they are truly hungry.

[Lady Marmalade]

Ugh.  I'm sorry, because I know this leads to all kinds of awkward situations!

 

We have relatives who are big into fitness- one of the parents was a bodybuilder for a time, so when I say big, I mean UBER into fitness.  Every morsel of food was accounted for.  Their children, of course, were also very active and heavily into sports and working out, and until they moved out of the home, their diet was whatever mom thought best. 

 

We were there visiting one summer weekend and lunch time was something that everyone had brought something from home to feed their own families.  So people were making plates for their kids of whatever sandwiches/chips/fruit had been brought. There was a lot of food!  But this family (who also happened to be the host family) figured they'd just pop in frozen pizza as a treat for their children for lunch.  No big deal.  Except that when the time came, there was literally ONE standard thin crust pepperoni pizza for a 14, 12 and 9 year old.  The 14 and 9 year olds were boys.  Dad cut that pizza into slivers and told the kids how many slices they could have and shock of all shock, there was pizza leftover!   The leftover pizza was given to other relatives, and later when mom walked past and saw the empty pizza cardboard made a comment about "Wow, they never eat a whole thing at mealtime! Guess I don't get a slice today."   :huh:

 

The two oldest have gone off to college since those days and have put on WAY more than the freshman 15, but golly, they sure seem happy.  Also, as I think on it, all three have also spent a fair bit of time in the workforce at restaurants.    There was a pizza place within biking distance, and I remember the oldest getting a job there at 15, and the other kids all followed suit.  I bet a full belly was a huge benefit to that job!

 

I really think those parents thought they were doing things the way they thought best.  I can't imagine a conversation that would have really ended well with them, but in retrospect, I'm sure the kids had just enough food that they were not malnourished.  They had to have been pretty close to that line, though, given how active they were.  I cannot imagine having boys growing up being hungry/hangry all the time.  They had to have been! 

 

 

 

Edited September 28, 2017 by Lady Marmalade

[Pen]

Maybe you could plan an activity to be a trip to a farmers' market with plenty of healthy food.  The kids can eat as the activity, so long as it is nourishing food.  And if you make that suggestion to your friend, you may learn what your friend's attitudes to food and snacking are to a greater degree than you now understand that. If there is some financial issue involved, having any expense on the outing be good food, could make sense.

 

Since you said they are good friends, why not discuss food and nutrition and attitudes toward that directly.

 

You don't need to start with criticism, because you really don't know what all is going on.

[goldberry]

I agree with the others:  

 

Food plan ahead of time for the trip.

Start dropping casual educational comments about blood sugar, growing kids, different nutritional needs.

See if that helps, but in the mean time keep sharing if you can afford to do so.

[Alicia64]

I'm just like you: I always cart food for me and the kids.

 

What a horrible problem. Maybe approach it with, "Can we agree not to get mad at each other? This is really hard for both of us."

 

Alley

[heartlikealion]

I know you said don't quote so if repeating specifics is a problem I will gladly edit. You stated an example of 9am-1pm which is essentially 8am-2pm with drive time. Do they at least pack lunch for that? I agree with a pp that said state something like, "we will break for lunch at X time." What is typically happening? Do your kids eat and the others don't? I mean with the specific example of an outing ending at 1 or so.

 

I am not always the best planner. And I am frugal. But I know that sometimes you gotta give for situations like this.

 

Agreeing with the blood spike thing. It's embarrassing, but I didn't really put two and two together til I came to this board that I really need a protein-rich meal. I knew that cereal didn't hang with me long, but I needed it spelled out for me what I should be eating instead.

[SamanthaCarter]

Just to mention, I don't think that this is the OPs difficulty, but I limit snacking and don't bring food to outings quite often *because* my kids are skinny and small eaters. If they have a between meal snack (other than the 3-4pm hour) they will not eat the meal that I made for them. I have to try to pack a lot of nutrition into a fairly small amount of food. Of course, they are obsessed with anything that comes in a shiny cellophane wrapper or fast food bag. As soon as they see somebody with that they whine and act like they're starving. If offered, I feel the polite thing is to let them accept, but it will mean a poor appetite at the next meal. I promise I'm a pretty good cook!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lulalu]

Ok I am going to be the one to say it isn't something you need to worry about.

 

Many places around the world don't do snacks and the kids are just fine. We as a family don't do snacks at all. My son will eat all the snacks and food he is offered, and then not eat dinner and be hungry in the middle of the night. I am the parent who takes what other mom hand him as a snack away. I don't bring snacks if we will be gone all day. I will plan lunch or bring along but not snacks.

 

It would drive me crazy if you offered snacks, seconds at meals without me doing it or brought up kids being hungry.

[SKL]

I would just say I also did not do snacks between toddler age and about 10yo.  That was when puberty stepped in and took over.

 

People who haven't had kids in that age group may not believe it (I had to see it for myself), but kids' needs do change, a lot, and I feel parents need to go with it - once they figure out what is happening.