When you and your spouse disagree on parenting

[lovinmyboys]

How do you decide who makes the decision? Dh and I get along great, but do not parent well together. It has been mostly ok until now because he hasn't been around the kids a lot because of deployments and his job. Now he is around more (and the kids are getting older) and he has a lot of opinions. So here are some of our current disagreements:

 

What to do with a super picky eater

What to do with a kid who comes in early morning to sleep on our floor

What to do with a kid who isn't tired at bedtime

 

I suggested that the person who has to deal with these issues decides what to do. He doesn't like that because I pretty much still deal with parenting issues so much more than him. He feels like his opinion shouldn't be less because he is working.

 

So then I suggested the option that is nicer to the child should be the one we go with. Of course, that is almost always me too.

 

I'm trying to figure out how to let Dh feel like he has some say in raising our kids, but most of the time when he disagrees with me, I just can't get on board with his opinion. I understand that is frustrating for him.

 

I don't know if that makes sense. Just wondering how other people handle parenting disagreements.

[6packofun]

We've had this come up a few times and the best solution we could agree on was that we each ask ourselves if the issue was a hill we wanted to die on.  We've found that we often care most about different issues and so the person who cares more to do things one way usually gets to try it their way with, at the very least, minimal interference or with neutral support.  Does that make sense?  It's really just a matter of finding out who cares the most about it and letting them take over for a trial period with their method or whatever.  Committing to this way of solving things at least gives us something to turn to when we want to get mad at the other for what we feel is an impasse.  Sometimes it still IS, but at least it's a starting place.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I have the feeling I'm probably on your side,so here's more fodder for you:

 

How about deferring to the one who has read the parenting books and knows Thing One about child development.

 

 

 

Snark aside, where is he coming from? Is he wanting to be like his parents, or what?

[maize]

The one who puts most time, thought, and effort into parenting gets the weighted vote.

 

That includes reading parenting books, studying child development, spending time with the children, thinking deeply about their needs and best interests.

 

If both parents are doing this, great! They get approximately equal say. If one parent invests much less in such activities than the other they get less say.

 

If one parent is inclined to make decisions arbitrarily based primarily on their own comfort, convenience, or mood--they get little say.

Edited September 27, 2017 by maize

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 3, 2017 by lllllll

[maize]

In my household I claim veto power. As long as I think dh's parenting decisions are reasonable and not harmful, I back him up.

 

Otherwise I override him.

 

'Course I make most day to day decisions just 'cause I'm the one here.

[lovinmyboys]

I have the feeling I'm probably on your side,so here's more fodder for you:

 

How about deferring to the one who has read the parenting books and knows Thing One about child development.

 

 

 

Snark aside, where is he coming from? Is he wanting to be like his parents, or what?

Dh and I married when we were barely out of our teens. At the time, Dh (like lots of 20yr olds) thought his parents were way too hard on him and controlling. But now, in his mid-thirties, he credits his parents with his success. I still do think his parents did their best, but they were too controlling. They would even agree and they lightened up quite a bit with his younger siblings.

 

Dh will also say he is a male and we are raising boys, so he knows better what than I do about how to raise men.

 

I have also told him that since I parent as my full time job, I have studied and thought about it more than he has been able to. I know better the big picture about our family. Sometimes, he comes up with ideas that would possibly solve one problem, but would just create more.

 

Honestly, he is very busy at work plus he is in the army reserves. I wish he wouldn't devote brain space to little issues like whether someone sleeps in their own bed or not. Of course when I say that to him, he gets offended.

[Arcadia]

What to do with a super picky eater

 

My husband was annoyed initially at the extra cost because our picky eater is also a super taster and not all sale items taste good. However his nieces had food allergies so he doesn’t force the issue. He’ll complain a little at grocery shopping but he buys.

 

What to do with a kid who comes in early morning to sleep on our floor

 

My husband finds it hard to sleep if a child is awake. So if a child wakes up before him, he would wake up and surf the web half awake. So it affects him a lot more than me. I’ll be like kid can take care of himself even if he wakes up at 5am but my husband would be worrying about going back to sleep. If kid falls back asleep then my husband would go back to sleep too, but DS11 tends to wake up and stare at us and do nothing.

 

What to do with a kid who isn't tired at bedtime

 

We are still arguing over that one. We argue over bedtime for years until it was obvious kids aren’t sleeping enough because DS11 wakes up early even if he doesn’t have enough sleep. DS12 will sleep until he is rested which usually means waking up before lunch unless we need to go out.

 

We have been arguing since we were in college. I think it is hard sometimes for the parent working outside the home because my husband do want to be involved but he works late certain times of the year and our kids like to read on weekends so not much together activities in that sense other than hanging out at bookstores.

 

My FIL is my way or the highway kind of personality. His sister is the only one who argues with her dad. His brother is compliant while he just tune off. So arguing to us work. It would actually be scary if we stop arguing, like one party has given up and just don’t bother.

[desertstrawberry5]

D generally defers to me. I have lots of background, experience, education, and I'm the one doing 99% of the parenting through the majority of our marriage. 

 

If he is home, I let him be in charge. I try very hard not to undermine him or correct him. He's a good guy, and a verrry laid back parent compared to my uptight self. It is good for them to get a break from me to just have fun with dad, even though he doesn't make them do chores  :banghead: , lets them tear up my bed  :cursing: , and feeds them garbage. It's good for me to not have the entire burden of parenting. It's good for D to have a chance to actually be a dad without me whisking the children away from him. 

If there is something we strongly disagree on, we talk it out. As I said, he generally defers to me, but he does sometimes ask me to explain something. Why should we not punish for this, why is ok to let slide, why is this important. And often, it's not important, but it makes me crazy and I'm not being super rational, or is developmental and punishment will only make it worse (he's not a big punisher, so that's usually a philosophical discussion). Or I know there is a problem, I am doing everything humanly possible and it is not working. In which case, he makes suggestions, or we think about what might be a next step. 

I think it is harder to be the kinder, gentler parent. I know Derek hates hearing me reprimand the kids constantly, for things that seem like nothing to him. I could definitely not be in a relationship with someone harsher than myself. But I'm super tough, so that would likely be unhealthy. 

I agree with Happy, you have to start by hearing each other out. I really don't see how you can resolve anything if that's not the first step. 

Edited September 28, 2017 by desertstrawberry5

[lovinmyboys]

Mama, said with as much gentleness as possible...

 

This will lead to very dangerous territory of losing respect for your spouse. It's not there yet, but it comes really close to "I know more than him, how dare he stick his nose in." I am NOT saying you are thinking that. I am saying that having the bolded opinion can very much lead you there.

 

 

 

You said "little issues like whether someone sleeps in their own bed or not." The fact that it's a little issue goes both ways. If it's such a little issue........does it really matter how it's handled? I mean of COURSE presuming that your spouse isn't hit or cussing out your kids or something, if the issue is so little, do you really think that handling it your way will have results that are all that different than handling it his way?

Well, for little issues I don't really think it matters how they are handled as far as how a child turns out. I do think a lot of "mommy wars" type issues don't make a difference in the adult the child becomes.

 

In the sleeping in your own bed issue, I don't care where the kids sleep for the most part, so I don't want to enforce them staying in their own bed-which is what Dh wants me to do. He is not home enough to be the one to enforce it and he isn't going to get up in the middle of the night if he is here. So, that is why I care. If he was lovingly helping them stay in their own beds at night, I would be fine with it. But, he wants me to do it. And I don't really want to disturb my sleep to keep them in their own beds.

[lovinmyboys]

I will try to listen to what Dh has to say about why he wants things a certain way. It usually comes down to him thinking I am babying the kids, but he may have other reasons. Or, he will just say that I get to decide everything and he should get to make some decisions too. Maybe more talking will be good. I just think we have such limited time together, I don't want to spend it discussing every parenting issue.

 

Dh definitely has some parenting strengths. I have tried to ask him to focus on those and let me do the day to day things. He doesn't want to do that. He wants to be an "involved" parent, which I guess to him means involved in everything.

[desertstrawberry5]

Well, for little issues I don't really think it matters how they are handled as far as how a child turns out. I do think a lot of "mommy wars" type issues don't make a difference in the adult the child becomes.

 

In the sleeping in your own bed issue, I don't care where the kids sleep for the most part, so I don't want to enforce them staying in their own bed-which is what Dh wants me to do. He is not home enough to be the one to enforce it and he isn't going to get up in the middle of the night if he is here. So, that is why I care. If he was lovingly helping them stay in their own beds at night, I would be fine with it. But, he wants me to do it. And I don't really want to disturb my sleep to keep them in their own beds.

I do not let my DH dictate to me. At all ever. We have been down that road, and it nearly broke us up. I do not tell him what to do or how to do it. I deserve the same respect. 

 

In this particular case, I would invite him to wake up during the night and gently drag the kid back to bed. I would be clear that I will be sleeping while this happens. The end. 

 

He can handle it his way himself, or he can back the heck off of it. 

[lovinmyboys]

Why does he want them in their own beds?

 

 

 

 

(ftr, this is another issue we have...but DH and I both want our kids in their own beds. a) we tend to prefer morning tEa, b) when DH wakes up he practically steps on them. Does your DH have reasons for wanting them in their own beds besides "because I said so?)

His reason is they are too old to sleep in our room.

[lovinmyboys]

I do not let my DH dictate to me. At all ever. We have been down that road, and it nearly broke us up. I do not tell him what to do or how to do it. I deserve the same respect.

 

In this particular case, I would invite him to wake up during the night and gently drag the kid back to bed. I would be clear that I will be sleeping while this happens. The end.

 

He can handle it his way himself, or he can back the heck off of it.

That is how I have been handling it, but he doesn't think it is "fair" that because he is the one working he doesn't get a say in where the kids sleep.

[desertstrawberry5]

I will try to listen to what Dh has to say about why he wants things a certain way. It usually comes down to him thinking I am babying the kids, but he may have other reasons. Or, he will just say that I get to decide everything and he should get to make some decisions too. Maybe more talking will be good. I just think we have such limited time together, I don't want to spend it discussing every parenting issue.

 

Dh definitely has some parenting strengths. I have tried to ask him to focus on those and let me do the day to day things. He doesn't want to do that. He wants to be an "involved" parent, which I guess to him means involved in everything.

 

I am all for involved dads. I think we could definitely use more of that. 

 

Here's the thing. Being involved means *doing the work yourself*. Putting in the time. Doing the heavy lifting. Not making decisions for other people and expecting them to handle it. you get a say in the things *you actually do*.

 

Early in our marriage, D did not like the way i did dishes. So he spent *hours* scrubbing dishes (It takes me 5 minutes, but whatever). He did not like the way I washed his shirts. I invited him to wash his own shirts ( I tried, he saw invisible stains. I can't treat them if I can't see them). He decided my way was fine.  He still irons his shirts every morning. I hate ironing with a bright and fiery passion. And I'm bad at it. And I hate it. OMG so much. So he handles that. 

 

If he wants to be an involved parent, great. Get involved. Get in there. Get busy. Do the hard work. 

 

 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

The person dealing with the issue most, within reason, decides.

[Elizabeth86]

Dh and I disagee quite a bit. We were raised compmetely opposite. For the most we just kind of know when one person feels so strongly about something that nothing will change our minds and we just go with it. For the most part I do the parenting, so I choose how it goes. For day to day to day stuff like dh would implement eat what is served for dinner or go to bed hungry, but meal time is my area so he doesnt care I am a softiem

 

For instance ds hates soccer and dh insists he doesnt quit and I know he would never budge on this and we are sucking it up and riding it out. Now dh would probably just sign him up again if ds said yes and I know ds hates it and the whole family is hating it including dh so I have set my foot down about no sports until at least next fall, maybe longer. Ds is just not into stuff like that right now. I can read that on him. Dh has no idea. When you ask a 5 yr old if they want to do something, they cant really think if it is really going to be a good idea or not. So dh feels strongly about not quitting and I respect that and I am feeling strongly about no sports until they get a bit older and dh respects that.

 

We just know neither of us can be swayed when we are serious and we just dont dont even try.

[amy g.]

When we disagree, which isn't often, I get my way because I'm the one with the degree in Early Childhood Education. I'm the one whose job is the kids' development.

 

Also, I am willing to give in almost every other area, so he gets his way about practically everything else.

 

But the three things that you mentioned, picky eaters, sleeping on the floor and not being sleepy at bed time, those are my hills to die on.

 

Dh knows that I will not give in these areas.

 

Over the years, he has come to agree with me, as he has seen how well my way has worked out.

 

We are much more similar in our parenting views now.

[desertstrawberry5]

That is how I have been handling it, but he doesn't think it is "fair" that because he is the one working he doesn't get a say in where the kids sleep.

 

 

He 100% does have a say. Every night that he is in his bed and child comes into the room, he has 100% ability to drag himself out the bed and send that kid back to bed.

 

That is fair.

Edited September 28, 2017 by desertstrawberry5

[desertstrawberry5]

I DO agree with this.  If he REALLY wants them in their own bed, he can share the effort to get them there.  And if he's not willing to do that, then he probably doesn't actually care there much and doesn't get to dictate to me that I do something he's not also willing to do. 

I assume you have told him this? And he insists you do as he says anyway? 

 

Is he generally controlling and pushy? is this new behavior? I would find this extremely concerning. 

[Barb_]

I'm out of likes, but Desert Strawberry is right.  Your dh has it confused.  Involved means following through and doing the work yourself.  Involved doesn't mean issuing an edict and leaving it to someone else to enforce it.  You are his wife, not his employee.

 

 

[Barb_]

Also, to answer your question...in the early days my husband used to swing between letting the kids get away with murder and then yelling at them when they got on his nerves.  After some time I'd had enough.  We decided he got to be the fun dad and I got to make most of the decisions.  He plays games with them, makes them breakfast, takes them on errands or to ball games.  When they want permission to do something he says, "go ask your mama if it's a good time for her."  Involved comes in many forms.  It doesn't have to entail bossing everyone around :)

[Mommyof1]

We have a super picky eater. She's 4 and a big time Daddy's girl. So he is working with her on that at dinner time. Now it's only one meal I cook at night. She might only take a few bites of the entree but thats an improvement. She will eat the veggies fine.

 

She still wakes me up several days a week. She is an early riser and sometimes just wants to crawl into our bed. The bed doesn't comfortably fit all 3. So I explain to her that she needs to stay in her own bed or we are up for the day.

 

Bedtime, she is young and doesn't nap and an early riser to boot. So she is tired even if she says different. Daddy put her to bed.

 

When older and an independent reader she will still have a set bedtime but can read in her room till she falls asleep.

 

I feel strongly about something than he backs me and vice versa.

[Rachel]

My husband and I do agree on most of our parenting issues, but not the picky eater one. It doesn't help that our picky eater is his mini me. I have no advice, just sympathy.

 

I think you have to give a little. Our compromise on kids coming to our room is that they can stay in our bed until they are comforted. That would be in the case of a storm or bad dream. Then they can sleep on the floor if it's close to morning or if the storm is still going on. If they come in pretty early in the night (before 1ish) we walk them back to their rooms after they have settled. The kids know this is how we handle night wakings, and it works for us. They have each gone through a stage when they showed up more frequently although it has been a long time since any kids have shown up.

 

But, I gather that you just listed a couple examples. I'm not sure there is a fair way to determine who settles parenting disagreements. I think both parents have to be willing to give a little. Even if you aren't in complete agreement, I do think you have to be united in front of the kids.

[maize]

Well, for little issues I don't really think it matters how they are handled as far as how a child turns out. I do think a lot of "mommy wars" type issues don't make a difference in the adult the child becomes.

 

In the sleeping in your own bed issue, I don't care where the kids sleep for the most part, so I don't want to enforce them staying in their own bed-which is what Dh wants me to do. He is not home enough to be the one to enforce it and he isn't going to get up in the middle of the night if he is here. So, that is why I care. If he was lovingly helping them stay in their own beds at night, I would be fine with it. But, he wants me to do it. And I don't really want to disturb my sleep to keep them in their own beds.

Yeah, I told Dh years ago I was not going to be the enforcer of rules that don't matter to me.

 

Demanding that a spouse get out of bed every night to take the child back to their own bed? That is NOT parenting. That is treating a spouse as your subordinate that you get to dictate orders to. Nopety nope.

 

He can put in the hard work when he is there. And leave you to parent your way when he is not.

[Barb_]

 

But, I gather that you just listed a couple examples. I'm not sure there is a fair way to determine who settles parenting disagreements. I think both parents have to be willing to give a little. Even if you aren't in complete agreement, I do think you have to be united in front of the kids.

 

If you have similar parenting styles that is a reasonable expectation, yes.  But if one parent is consistently controlling or (verbally or physically) abusive, the other parent has a responsibility to protect the children.

[Peaceseeker]

NM

Edited September 28, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[Rachel]

As far as your husband thinking your kids are too old to be in your room, I think as they get older, they naturally don't want to come into the room as much. It doesn't sound like they are in the bed keeping you from sleeping which is a win in my book.

[MinivanMom]

If you have similar parenting styles that is a reasonable expectation, yes.  But if one parent is consistently controlling or (verbally or physically) abusive, the other parent has a responsibility to protect the children.

 

I don't think that's what the op was describing here. It sounded like normal friction over co-sleeping, bedtimes, and picky eaters.

[Rachel]

If you have similar parenting styles that is a reasonable expectation, yes. But if one parent is consistently controlling or (verbally or physically) abusive, the other parent has a responsibility to protect the children.

Agreed. I assumed based on this post and others that OP's husband isn't in that category.

[Barb_]

Agreed. I assumed based on this post and others that OP's husband isn't in that category.

 

Just putting it out there.  The OP's husband does come off as controlling with the little bit of information we have.  Only she can decide that though. 

[Lecka]

I think you can get free and private counseling through military one source. I think that is what my husband called.

 

We had marriage counseling for similar.

 

Depending on your husband's job, it can have to do with him being bossy at work. My husband got a promotion and was the bossiest ever after that deployment. The counselor we saw said he sees it happen, it can be a habit people get into and they don't realize it.

 

The counselor could also help me to see my husband's side. It is hard on him to want to be a part of parenting and feel like he isn't because he has to be gone for work. That is hard on him. I need to see his side on this.

 

I think it would be so worth it to talk to a counselor by yourself or together, just because it was so helpful for us.

 

I didn't expect it to be as military-related as it was, either.

 

Not that that is all it was -- but some things I thought were just my husband turned out to be common ways for guys in his position to feel that way. That was actually helpful to me to have that perspective from the counselor.

 

Edit: we did also get some feedback on specific parenting issues. But overall it was more about communicating clearly and seeing the other person's side. We went into it basically each thinking the other was just being bull-headed and difficult, and that didn't last 3 sessions.

 

And we ended up not having a huge number of sessions, too, maybe 10? Over several months... So it is not a huge commitment at all. It was less of a commitment than I expected.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Lecka

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited October 3, 2017 by lllllll

[fraidycat]

S/he who sets the rules gets to enforce the rules.

 

If one of us has a problem with kids in the bedroom and one doesn't - the one with the problem gets to solve it.

 

We lost the picky eater battle together. Picky eater is still picky, we just don't endanger our sanity trying to fight it anymore. Life is too dang short.

 

For any other parenting differences throughout the years, we've usually been able to discuss and reach decisions together. There have been moments where I just put my foot down in a "my way or the highway" fashion when it came to him being "too harsh" with the kids. He has even thanked me for it, but I suspect he's a bit of sn outlier in that respect.

[HomeAgain]

Based purely on this thread....I don't think he comes off as "controlling."  I do think he comes across as lacking in the "get off your butt" style of parenting.  Sometimes, the spouse who isn't at home all the time tends to get.......for lack of a better word, lazy.....when it comes to parenting things.  It's easier to let your spouse handle something because once you are gone to work....they have to.  So it's easy to make decisions from a position of not having to do the ACTUAL work.  Once that spouse realizes the effort involved in actually GETTING up and taking kids to bed, the "they are too old" often just isn't so important. 

 

 

This is a little how I feel, but not quite.

 

When he is home, dh is upset that children are coming into his room to sleep. It's not lazy to not be able to do it when he is not home.  I think that for that one issue it is important for both parents to be respectful of that boundary for the one who needs it.  It is simply ridiculous to expect to effect change when you're not home all the time, but at the same time, it is ridiculous to ask that parent to change the boundary.

 

I think the parents should come up with a set of rules - together.  And the parent home should enforce them.  Period.  Counseling might help with that.

 

 

ETA: Dh's schedule is late evenings half the week so I get it.  We parent slightly differently.  But when we make it known that something is important to one of us the other tries to respect that.  I insist ds does morning chores.  Dh couldn't care less about it, but if he's the one awake first, he reminds ds and sends him back to clean, make bed, etc.

Edited September 28, 2017 by HomeAgain

[desertstrawberry5]

I think you are mixing people up, probably because I wasn't clear in my post..........I am not the OP lol

Phwew! I've never been so relieved to be confused. I was feeling a little panicky there.

[eternalsummer]

Mama, let me give you an issue from my own life.

 

My DS4 still wets his bed.  Up until now, we have just had him in pull ups, but to be honest, neither of us wants to keep buying them and dealing with them.  DS4 is our youngest and we want to be DONE with pull ups, dipes, etc. 

 

HOW we go about this is a point of contention for us. 

 

DH is totally on board with waking DS4 up in the middle of the night to go potty.  Probably because he's not the one doing it.  I don't MIND doing it, and it makes sense because a) I am the one who needs less sleep.  b)  I am the one who can sleep in if I need to.  c) I am also the one who can get back to sleep easier after waking up.   SO, that part, we agree on.

 

Thing is, that's not enough.  So the next step is cutting off liquids after like 5pm.  DH does NOT want to do that.  At all.  DS4 asks for something to drink, DH can't say no.  The reason?  He's afraid that DS4 will end up dehydrated.  Which, yeah, sounds crazy but DS4 also ended up at Riley Children's Hospital at 4mo with failure to thrive....he only weighed 7lbs.  So, while I think his fear is silly, I do understand it.  Our compromise is that I tell him exactly how much DS4 had to drink before DH got home so that his fear of dehydration is lessened. 

 

I would also not be okay with restricting liquids after 5.  Sometimes a kid has a developmental issue that ends up costing more in either cash or trouble - maybe speech therapy, or a specialized diet for an allergic kid, or medication for a type 1 diabetic.  Your kid has a slightly delayed (so far) nighttime bladder control issue - his body just makes urine at night, when most (but not even close to all) bodies have stopped making so much urine at night by his age.  I would not cause him any undue hardship over it.  I would just buy the pullups.  If you don't like the expense, you can buy reusable ones - they'll cost more at first but eventually be worth the cost (and they have good resale value).  A 4 yo can be taught to remove his own pullup in the morning and change into day clothes, probably.

[Arcadia]

For the kid sleeping in your room issue, your husband can just walk or carry the child back to his/her bed. My DS12 needs me to get him to fall back asleep so that is something my husband can’t help even if he wants to.

 

My dad was a workaholic. When he try to help he was literally stuck in no man’s land because we are so used to being independent since my mom worked shift duty as a nurse.

 

My nephew is in Air Force but he is a mechanic so he gets to change diapers, do the night feeding and everything else. My SIL was in Air Force combat and her in-laws were the babysitters when she was deployed. So parenting was done more by her in-laws as her husband works long hours on weekdays.

 

My kids are used to my husband working late. They don’t like it but they know there are busy seasons when a new product is launched. It is easier to tell my husband how he can be involved then for him to try to figure out and get in my way. He helped do the long phone calls to insurance, dentist, CollegeBoard as well as does the laundry and help wash the dishes. He plays card games with our kids when I ask him to because kids won’t ask but would like to play a game or two with him.

[Guinevere]

Didn't you guys just move? I feel like that can throw a lot of things out of whack, especially communication issues. It also makes kids needier, and dads more worried their needier kids are going to turn out...needy. So dad starts "cracking down", mom starts feeling a little protective and defensive. Everyone is exhausted, and things just spiral.

 

Sometimes when dh and I disagree on something, especially during a time of change or stress, I reassure him that I hear him, and I'll think about it. Then I ask if just for now we can hold off on changes. I'll give him a concrete time, like 3 weeks, or until soccer season is over, or whatever. Building that time helps us both feel respected, allows the stress to pass, and also gives me time to work with the kids, or slip him some reading material. Usually we are on the same page when that time is up. It is helpful to make quick minor adjustments to ease his frustration, like feed the picky kid a little bit early so it's not so obvious he's being picky. Maybe show the kids that the best spot is actually on the floor by your side of the bed. Etc.

 

Also, my dh handles these sorts of conversations best after he's been well fed. When I sense he's starting to dig his heels in illogically, I'll work a snack casually into the discussion. It's like magic. It doesn't mean he will agree with me, but he will be much more amenable.

[Liz CA]

Does your dh feel strongly about these issues or does he feel strongly he wants to be heard and have input?

Those two could be different things since you mentioned he has been deployed.

He may be regretting his absences as unavoidable as they have been and now wants to make sure the kids know who Dad is. Some men think this is best done by exerting some parental muscle.

 

I would probably talk to him without the kids and find out which it is. If indeed he has strong opinions, would he be willing to compromise? Are you willing to compromise? I realize this is difficult for you as well as you have been parenting solo by necessity and now feel someone is looking over your shoulder.

As an example, if dh feels picky eating should not allowed and you feel kids can choose if they eat or not, you both could compromise that the picky eater has to take one bite of the food and then gets to decide if s/he eats it or not and there may be no replacement food or you both decide the picky eater has to get replacement food and take care of the additional dishes if there are any.

Kind of a convoluted scenario I cooked up here but you probably get the gist.

 

[Liz CA]

Also, my dh handles these sorts of conversations best after he's been well fed. When I sense he's starting to dig his heels in illogically, I'll work a snack casually into the discussion. It's like magic. It doesn't mean he will agree with me, but he will be much more amenable.

 

:lol:  Works nearly every time, doesn't it?

 

[Ausmumof3]

Mama, let me give you an issue from my own life.

 

My DS4 still wets his bed. Up until now, we have just had him in pull ups, but to be honest, neither of us wants to keep buying them and dealing with them. DS4 is our youngest and we want to be DONE with pull ups, dipes, etc.

 

HOW we go about this is a point of contention for us.

 

DH is totally on board with waking DS4 up in the middle of the night to go potty. Probably because he's not the one doing it. I don't MIND doing it, and it makes sense because a) I am the one who needs less sleep. b) I am the one who can sleep in if I need to. c) I am also the one who can get back to sleep easier after waking up. SO, that part, we agree on.

 

Thing is, that's not enough. So the next step is cutting off liquids after like 5pm. DH does NOT want to do that. At all. DS4 asks for something to drink, DH can't say no. The reason? He's afraid that DS4 will end up dehydrated. Which, yeah, sounds crazy but DS4 also ended up at Riley Children's Hospital at 4mo with failure to thrive....he only weighed 7lbs. So, while I think his fear is silly, I do understand it. Our compromise is that I tell him exactly how much DS4 had to drink before DH got home so that his fear of dehydration is lessened.

Not to derail the thread but medical advice for bedwetting is not to limit liquids at bedtime as it can actually make the problem worse.

[SparklyUnicorn]

The one who puts most time, thought, and effort into parenting gets the weighted vote.

 

 

 

This. At the rate I'm going, I'm like the queen.  :laugh: 

[SparklyUnicorn]

How do you decide who makes the decision? Dh and I get along great, but do not parent well together. It has been mostly ok until now because he hasn't been around the kids a lot because of deployments and his job. Now he is around more (and the kids are getting older) and he has a lot of opinions. So here are some of our current disagreements:

 

What to do with a super picky eater

What to do with a kid who comes in early morning to sleep on our floor

What to do with a kid who isn't tired at bedtime

 

I suggested that the person who has to deal with these issues decides what to do. He doesn't like that because I pretty much still deal with parenting issues so much more than him. He feels like his opinion shouldn't be less because he is working.

 

 

 

I agree if they effect you more, you should get the larger say.  Would he want you to make decisions for him?  Things that he deals with that you don't?  I SERIOUSLY doubt he'd enjoy this.  This doesn't mean he gets no say, but come on. 

 

Picky eating...that's a tough one.  I chose not to make it a hill to die on.  DH and I both grew up with "you eat or I'll break your face" kinda attitudes.  I think we both mostly agreed not to make it a huge issue. 

 

Coming in and sleeping on the floor?  Be happy the kid is coming and sleeping on the floor in the early morning rather than waking you up.  Not seeing the problem here and he will not do this forever. 

 

Bedtime...ugh.  I hate bedtime.  I stopped with the bedtime as early as it made sense because I got so sick of dealing with it.  The bedtime problem went away. 

 

These three problems are probably the same three problems 99% of parents have.  Nobody has yet found a magical answer for any of them.  By the time you think you've figured something out, they will be on to other problems! 

[Zinnia]

In our house, there is often an underlying thing going on. For instance, bedtime battles are often about tEa. Just making sure that there is time for us. (In that vein, it's important to me to enforced bedtime, too). If you can figure out the real issues, it's easier to hit those issues instead of fighting behind bedtime or picky eaters or whatever.

[EMS83]

Well it depends on who it affects.  A kid in our room affects both of us, just like a dog on the bed affects both of us (not comparing the two; we've dealt with both).  So whoever is bothered by that, wins.  DH doesn't want kids in our room, I don't want a dog on our bed at night.  But the rest ends up being whatever I think is best or just end up doing, even if it's not best.

[Daria]

As a single parent with full time employment outside the home, I obviously don't have this issue. But I have a pretty strong reaction to the idea that working outside the home to provide a cold with food and shelter and other things is somehow not parenting.

 

To me, the work I do to provide for my child is a hugely important part of being his mother. Denying someone a voice in parenting decisions because they are putting bread on the table and a roof over a child's head seems totally unfair.

[Guest]

Step one....

 

Listen to him. Like actually listen to him. Try to understand exactly why he feels the way he feels. Do so without judgement. Assume that he feels the way he does because he wants what is best for the kids.

 

Ultimately, how you handle it really depends on the way each of you feels. Like, with a super picky eater, maybe his actual fear is making sure the kids get enough nutrients. So maybe the compromise is that you guys find a vitamin supplement. OR, maybe his fear is that cooking extra meals will be too hard on you, so maybe the compromise is that there is always a quick and easy meal for the super picky eater on hand. Or maybe it's that he doesn't want his authority challanged in which case the compromise is you put your foot down lol

 

IOW, figure out exactly why he feels how he feels and then you have a better idea of how to work with it.

I actually think there's another possible "reason" or fear that you haven't mentioned here, and - this is a blind assumption, but - with OP's dh being military, I think this has strong possibilities. It could be that the dh has fears that the kids are being too coddled by compassionate mama and the kids will turn out to be "those whining, Special Snowflake millenials" (or post-millenials). My DH used to have what I called panic moments when he would think like this. Like if I did something indulgent he would suddenly be fearful that the kids would be overindulged brats because I let them have cookies before dinner one time, lol. It seems so silly looking back, but when they are little, you don't know how they will turn out and you know you don't get a do-over with raising the kids. So it feels like a big deal.

 

***Now, turning to the OP...

 

In our family, I didn't approach all things the same way, and I do think it's important not to simply say, "Well, I'm the one who is here the most, so you can go sit in the corner while I do it my way." No. They are his children too and he does have a right to want them to be raised in a way he thinks is correct. For us, I found that there were some things I just let him do the way he wanted, and that turned out to sometimes be superior, actually. I struggle with pride and it was important for me, as an evolving human, to realize that someone could have a good idea besides me - maybe even a better idea than me.

 

Ex.: when I would give DD a bath as a toddler, she would GO BANANAS over water getting in her eyes or face. So I would be ever so careful to not let a speck of water get anywhere near her face, and there would still be a bunch of shenanigans as I tried to be Miss Gentle Mommy. Well, when dh gave a bath, he did not bother with such nonsense. He just poured the water on and made it seem like it was the Most Fun Ever. She went bananas like two times and after that, no more issue. So at first, I didn't like his approach. I am a very sensitive person and I didn't want anything to be uncomfortable for my little girl. But I backed off and let him do it his way because, really, it's not that big of a deal. She wasn't going to die because a drop of water got in her face (and the shampoo was California Baby and very gentle).

 

But there have been other things that I just said No, because I wasn't going to enforce something that I thought was stupidly arbitrary. Ex. At one point, dh wanted youngest dS to play with his Legos and toys only in the Studio of our home, which is as far as possible from the family room. I simply said, "No. i am not doing that; it's mean. He is a social little guy and I'm not going to banish him to the far corner of the house just so there are no toys in the FAMILY room."

 

But I think the important difference has been that I needed to see dh as equally worthy of having a valid opinion. Assuming he is not abusive, it probably is not gonna hurt the kid to learn that dad is going to require he eats the chicken enchillada instead of having a bowl of cereal, kwim? Let him be the dad.

 

(With that said, I do think he doesn't get to dictate how YOU have to handle a problem if he will not actually do it. So, IMO, he doesn't get to dictate that YOU send kiddo back to bed if he is actually home and going to be home for a while.)

 

ETA: clarifying that only the first paragraph refers to happysmiley; the rest is back to OP

Edited September 28, 2017 by Quill

[SparklyUnicorn]

As a single parent with full time employment outside the home, I obviously don't have this issue. But I have a pretty strong reaction to the idea that working outside the home to provide a cold with food and shelter and other things is somehow not parenting.

 

To me, the work I do to provide for my child is a hugely important part of being his mother. Denying someone a voice in parenting decisions because they are putting bread on the table and a roof over a child's head seems totally unfair.

 

So you think it is ok for a parent to make a rule that he or she won't ultimately be the one to enforce or deal with when it doesn't work out so well?  I think that is more what people are saying. 

 

I'm the one who put my kids to bed (when that was a thing).  If my spouse made a bunch of rules regarding how that was going to go down and never put the kids to bed, I would not be amused.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Very very rarely did we (do we) disagree on parenting, but what used to tick me off is my spouse wouldn't say a word about parenting related stuff and then occasionally he'd randomly swoop in and get very barky about stuff and declare rules he didn't have to deal with because he is rarely here.  So I told him so.  He's reasonable so he started discussing these ideas with me first. 

 

I think when a spouse is not doing the bulk of the childcare they truly do not realize certain things.  That's understandable.