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s/o DNA test: would you want to know?


regentrude
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Didn't want to derail Scarlett's thread, but this questions occurred to me while reading it:

Assuming you had grown up in a functional family, would you want to know that the man who raised you as his child and was in a loving relationship with your mother was not your biological father?

Would your answer depend on whether your parents are still living?

 

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It depends on whether he knew. I like to know stuff so maybe but I think it would be better if I didn't. In most cases your medical history is not that important. When it is important you often find out whether you want to or not. Essentially it is not your secret to find out.

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Sure, I would love to know the truth.

 

I am nothing like my mom's side of the family.  If I found out I was not my mom's daughter (more unlikely than a mystery dad LOL) it would actually explain a lot. LOL  I know my mom was unfaithful in my parents marriage so that revelation wouldn't be anything new. 

Edited by Tap
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One of my cousins have kids with his second wife before divorcing his first wife. So if my dad is not my biological dad and my dad doesn’t know, that would be real awkward like skeletons in the closet. It would still be awkward even if my parents have passed because I have plenty of paternal cousins around my dad’s age and nephews around my age. If I don’t have any paternal relatives and my parents have passed then there may not be any feelings of awkwardness.

 

If my dad is not biological dad and he knows, it would be like me accidentally finding out I am a surviving twin when I was around six years old. I’ll just treat it as my parents didn’t want me to know. I have a maternal aunt that was adopted when young and she knew she was adopted.

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I think I would, I tend to like information.

 

Have done all the tests already though, my dad is definitely my dad, my grandpas were definitely my grandpas. All known genealogy matches up going back multiple generations.

 

Based on Y testing though my Sharp family line were originally Grahams.

Edited by maize
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I think I would, I tend to like information.

 

Have done all the tests already though, my dad is definitely my dad, my grandpas were definitely my grandpas. All known genealogy matches up going back multiple generations.

 

Based on Y testing though my Sharp family line were originally Grahams.

Meaning somewhere there was a different dad?

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Meaning somewhere there was a different dad?

Meaning somewhere a father named Graham had a son named Sharp (several ways for that to happen including infidelity, the son of a single mother taking the mother's surname, adoption, etc.) or someone named Graham changed their name to Sharp (the particular Graham family we appear to descend from were notorious border reivers (raiders) along the Scottish border. When England eventually cracked down on them they were mostly exiled to Ireland; those who remained often had to change their name in order to not be exiled).

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I don't see any way that a test could determine that.  My father died in 1976.  One of his brothers disappeared during WWII and was presumed dead.  THe other one died in the 60's, I believe.  I did have a cousin on that side but his name was changed due to the communists and I don't remember it.  I don't think there is anyway I could determine that. 

 

Also, if I did a DNA test, it would only be to get health info, not hereditary info.   The delineations of what European ancestry you have are just not specific enough to be any interest to me.

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I don't see any way that a test could determine that.  My father died in 1976.  One of his brothers disappeared during WWII and was presumed dead.  THe other one died in the 60's, I believe.  I did have a cousin on that side but his name was changed due to the communists and I don't remember it.  I don't think there is anyway I could determine that. 

 

Also, if I did a DNA test, it would only be to get health info, not hereditary info.   The delineations of what European ancestry you have are just not specific enough to be any interest to me.

 

You could possibly find second, third, fourth, etc. cousins, which could be of interest if you were researching genealogy :)

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I’ve lived this one. I grew up knowing there were Big Secrets and at least one of them made my mother’s life miserable.

 

Literally on her deathbed, she confided her big secret - she had been divorced before she met my father and my oldest brother was really a half brother. We were all like “OK, why was that a secret?†But my mother let this Big Secret eat away her happiness most of her adult life.

 

Having lived with the Big Secret environment, I think it would be much better to know.

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I would want to know. As I said on the other post, I have a close family member whose assumed father is not his biological father. He has told no one. He has no desire to tell anyone. We are still searching for his biological father, but this has rocked his world. He knew it was a chance when he took the test, as there was no father on his birth certificate and he was part of a family adoption. 

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No.  I'd take my cues from my grandfather.  Chances are very, very good his bio father was the man who raised him's older brother.  It was kind of an open secret.  But he did not care one bit.  He loved the man who raised him and considered him his father no matter what the truth of his parentage was.

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I would want to know and it wouldn't change a thing for me. My dad had this actually happen to him. At 14 yo a woman knocked on the door and said "I am your real mom" he was floored. He never would have guessed the mom that raised him wasn't his bio mom. That woman was always my grandma and the best one in the world. I never felt she treated me differently than her bio grandkids and I didn't even know she wasn't my bio grandma until I was a teen.

 

My dad was so loving to me and such a good guy that if I found out he wasn't my dad and I would have been fine. Maybe even been more impressed that he loved me as much as he did. I don't put much stock in blood ties and I get why people, in their complicated brains, lie or don't reveal sometimes.

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I would want to know for medical reasons. My father died relatively young of colon cancer so it's something I keep track of. But it wouldn't change my feelings towards him. He was a good dad when I was young, not so much when I was older. I do look the least like him of his three children.

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I have thought about doing a test for dd10 (my great niece)  to see if her bio-dad is actually her bio-dad.   There are enough similarities that I think he is the dad, but I know my niece cheated on him at least in the end, so there is a chance that he is not.  My concern is.....if he isn't, then some of the guys who were hanging around at that time are not someone you would want in our lives  (convicted predatory sex offender etc).  I would want to do it more to get information than to give it.  At one point in time I asked her caseworker about paternity testing for dd10 and her brother  and the caseworker is the one who advised against it.  (She knows more about the case than I do, so I took her advice)  The bio-dad never questioned his paternity, so I dropped it. She does resemble him and walks similarly too, so we will just go with the idea that she is his daughter. 

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Yeah I would want to know.

 

Living in denial and under lies is a powerful thing and would inform a bigger family picture. It wouldn't change who raised me but would change how I'd view my childhood years and the choices my parents made.

 

I don't deal well with lies, denial and coverup due to childhood abuse...so yeah I tend to need blunt honesty in relationships. I cannot stand lies to keep the peace or for someone else's "good". I crave truth even when it hurts because I've seen too many times what lies can do.

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I would be very surprised if this was the case! I share a number of traits in common with my father! My family isn't big on intrafamily secrets, though. Maybe if my father was still alive, and this was the case, my mother would've kept her mouth shut - but as he's dead, if he wasn't my biological father (or there was reasonable doubt), I'm sure she would've told me sooner or later.

 

And honestly, I don't like that sort of big secret. I'm not interested in seeking super special genetic knowledge about myself, but I'd rather know than not. That wouldn't change my relationship with either of my parents.

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In this hypothetical, does my father know that he isn't my bio-father? (I didn't see the other thread.)  If only my mother knows, then I'd say she should just take that to the grave.   But if both my parents know and I'm the only one who doesn't, then I would want to know, too.

 

 

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I think I would want to know, but I would not want to find out at certain ages.  I think knowing it all along would be fine, and finding out as a mature adult would be fine, but in between, not so much.

 

And also it would depend on whether I was the oldest or youngest or middle.  Some people I know in that situation are middle children.  The older and younger siblings are the dad's bio kids.  So that is a little more sticky than having been a remnant of your mom's pre-dad relationship or whatever....

 

I think nowadays it is wisest to tell kids from birth just like we tell them if they are adopted.  Sooner or later they are pretty likely to find out.

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In this hypothetical, does my father know that he isn't my bio-father? (I didn't see the other thread.) If only my mother knows, then I'd say she should just take that to the grave. But if both my parents know and I'm the only one who doesn't, then I would want to know, too.

I feel the same way.

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We discovered that my paternal grandfather was listed as his father's stepson on a census. Grandpa never knew this (he died before this information came to light). I don't know how he would have felt, but I feel a little sad on his behalf that he didn't have the chance to know.

 

My opinion may be influenced by the fact that we are an adoptive family, and my children have always known they were adopted. It doesn't change our parent-child relationship.

 

It does make me wonder what we might find out if Dad and I did the DNA testing.

 

We have a mystery on my mom's side, as well. My grandmother was born out of wedlock. She was raised by her grandparents, and she never knew her father's name. I'm sure it was pretty scandalous in 1904! It would be interesting to fill that hole in our family tree with a name, although I don't really know if Grandma would have wanted to find out who it was. She grew up in a small town, so it's possible that she knew her father without knowing that they were related.

 

 

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We discovered that my paternal grandfather was listed as his father's stepson on a census. Grandpa never knew this (he died before this information came to light). I don't know how he would have felt, but I feel a little sad on his behalf that he didn't have the chance to know.

 

My opinion may be influenced by the fact that we are an adoptive family, and my children have always known they were adopted. It doesn't change our parent-child relationship.

 

It does make me wonder what we might find out if Dad and I did the DNA testing.

 

We have a mystery on my mom's side, as well. My grandmother was born out of wedlock. She was raised by her grandparents, and she never knew her father's name. I'm sure it was pretty scandalous in 1904! It would be interesting to fill that hole in our family tree with a name, although I don't really know if Grandma would have wanted to find out who it was. She grew up in a small town, so it's possible that she knew her father without knowing that they were related.

I suspect a lot of those "change of life" babies were actually grandchildren and people just chose to mind their own business.

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No.

 

I don't feel entitled to more of my parents' history than they choose to share with me.  ...and I have no desire for that type of data for its own sake. 

 

There is no action I would take based on such information, no urgent need I can see it fulfilling.  ...and my reaction to these types of stories is always discomfort with the idea of one person's curiosity triggering an intrusion into other people's privacy or even lives.  It feels very wrong to me.

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That's a tough one.  Emotionally, I'd rather not know.  Practically, I'd want to have the correct medical history.  Maybe because I have health problems, I'd decide based on the practical.

 

This. It's easy to think "sure I'd like to know" but would I really? At this stage of my life, not sure that I would. 20 years ago, my answer would have likely been a resounding "yes."

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