AimeeM Posted September 22, 2017 Author Share Posted September 22, 2017 Sorry, I didn't mean to get off topic. I have no problem buying teens cars and we may do that at some point. I have a kid that has had a permit for a year and access to public transit so it's been a slow road over here. :lol: My thinking on it is more aligned with whoever above said giving a car wouldn't be a squeal fest at our house. I would want that to be a moment with my kid alone to have a discussion about it. It's less about gifting and more about setting a more adult tone. Going from permit to license to provisional to full license is such a long process now, it's not like kid's can go cruising with groups of friends at newly 16 these days (For which I am grateful). Part of it is just knowing DD's personality. She has been so concerned about getting behind the wheel, that she chose to wait well over a year past the age most of her peers were doing it, to even consider it. We're grateful that she knows her own limits. By her nature, she is already very concerned, still a bit nervous, and just finally getting to the point of wanting to try. We do not have ready access to public transit here. Wish we did, though :P It would save my nerves about this, lol. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Unless your daughter plans to keep this a secret or the girl has said how terrible she thinks it is for parents to gift cars, I don't think it is a problem. I think purposefully hiding it until she is gone could be MORE problematic ("we're excluding you because you're poor"). Emily See, I find this puzzling. To me it wouldn't be hiding it. It would just be a moment I would want to have in private with my kid. Of course the friend is going to find out. It's a family milestone that I wouldn't necessarily want to share with just everyone that moment. And it would have nothing to do with the background of the friend. I would think it could possibly just feel awkward to the friend and could potentially change the tone of the visit. If this friend was the adopted extra kid type that was at your house more than at their own house and you were all super comfortable together, I see that as a little different possibly depending on the relationship vibe. I'm thinking of most of my own teens friends. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 See, I find this puzzling. To me it wouldn't be hiding it. It would just be a moment I would want to have in private with my kid. Of course the friend is going to find out. It's a family milestone that I wouldn't necessarily want to share with just everyone that moment. And it would have nothing to do with the background of the friend. I would think it could possibly just feel awkward to the friend and could potentially change the tone of the visit. If this friend was the adopted extra kid type that was at your house more than at their own house and you were all super comfortable together, I see that as a little different possibly depending on the relationship vibe. I'm thinking of most of my own teens friends. But I took the reasoning from the first poster to be that because (and I quote) "Friend may not be getting a car any time in the near future (or she might; I'm just not sure)." it wouldn't be nice to give their daughter a car in front of her. If the reasoning is that this is a family thing - great. But the tone of the first post didn't come across that way. Emily 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 22, 2017 Author Share Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) Unless your daughter plans to keep this a secret or the girl has said how terrible she thinks it is for parents to gift cars, I don't think it is a problem. I think purposefully hiding it until she is gone could be MORE problematic ("we're excluding you because you're poor"). Emily We had originally planned it to be when it was just "us" at home. DH just happened into a great deal and it is happening a few weeks sooner than we had planned -- and it just happens to be happening, quickly, over a weekend when we have other things going on (like friends over). I think it's tacky to do this in front of friends in general. I feel that more because I'm particularly fond of this friend and I know her situation, but I wouldn't want any friends here for this. And we aren't hiding it from her friend primarily -- we're hiding it from DD. Because, well, it's a surprise. Edited September 22, 2017 by AimeeM 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) I don't think it's tacky and think it's over the top to hide the car somewhere else, but I wouldn't make a big production out of it in front of her. ETA: I just read the follow-up post explaining why you want to hide it. That makes sense. Edited September 22, 2017 by Word Nerd 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 22, 2017 Author Share Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) But I took the reasoning from the first poster to be that because (and I quote) "Friend may not be getting a car any time in the near future (or she might; I'm just not sure)." it wouldn't be nice to give their daughter a car in front of her. If the reasoning is that this is a family thing - great. But the tone of the first post didn't come across that way. Emily That was literally one or two lines in the entire post. I just went back to re-read the post to check. I very specifically said that I feel it's tacky in general to give large gifts, like this, in front of friends. Any friends. In fact, the bolded question in my initial post asks it generally -- and, as I said, the general question is one I was interested in asking others because it has actually never come up here before, because we don't typically have people over when things like this have occasion to happen. ETA: this kid is like family when she's here. She folds perfectly into our home and our chaos. She even adores and includes DD's much younger special needs' siblings, who aren't alway easy kids. I will readily admit that doing this in front of her, particularly, does leave a bad taste in my mouth -- because I do love her. And I'm not sorry that I'm trying to consider her feelings in this. This doesn't have jack-squat to do with leaving out "the poor friend." I'm not going to pretend like it doesn't matter to me that a kid I care about, a kid we all care about, is going through a tough time and I don't want to add to that in any way. I think others have phrased it in the way I couldn't quite put my finger on. I believe giving a large gift like this in front of the recipient's friends would be tacky in any situation -- but crosses over and into inconsiderate in this situation. And, again, these are just my personal feelings. My husband is a compassionate and kind man and doesn't think it's tacky at all, so I know this is all relative. Edited September 22, 2017 by AimeeM 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) Seems like a potentially very awkward situation. What if dd has to stifle her excitement in front of her friend? I mean because of some internal conflict that she feels like she's rubbing the gift in her friend's face if she gushes. So for both of their sake I guess I'd say wait. And if dd's friend is enthusiastic and excited for your dd later I'm sure they can gush about the car together at a later time. Like when they go for a ride. Edited September 22, 2017 by heartlikealion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 To answer the general question, I do think there are situations where it would be appropriate (like I dunno, some other occasion that's not a birthday or holiday but someone's going away party or retirement or something. Not necessarily a gift paid for by all the recipients but a situation where they would hopefully be happy for the recipient and enjoy the moment with them). This is one where I would greatly hesitate. Hope that made sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TABmom Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I don't think it's tacky, but I would just want to give it to her with just family around. Not because of the friend at all, it would just be nice to celebrate with just the family. We always do family birthday presents separate from the friend party- just because it's nice that way. If I was the friend, I wouldn't think that you were trying to exclude me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Not tacky. I don't see the problem. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 22, 2017 Author Share Posted September 22, 2017 Seems like a potentially very awkward situation. What if dd has to stifle her excitement in front of her friend? I mean because of some internal conflict that she feels like she's rubbing the gift in her friend's face if she gushes. So for both of their sake I guess I'd say wait. And if dd's friend is enthusiastic and excited for your dd later I'm sure they can gush about the car together at a later time. Like when they go for a ride. If DD has any inkling at all that a car is coming sometime soon, then her bestie knows, too. And I'm almost positive she does know it's coming at some point (something she said earlier to DH). But, we're trying for surprise -- both in the type of car and in the timing. We don't get to surprise her often, because she literally never asks for anything big-ish specifically, unless we ask her for holiday ideas, and then she already knows what we're getting her :P Even if this isn't a surprise to her, DH thinks it is and has put a lot of time into this, so we'll go with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 If I was the friend, I'd be happy for the kid getting the car AND feel awkward about being there for a big family moment that didn't involve me. If I was the teen, I'd be happy to get the car but I'd be distracted about being a host to my friend. I say wait. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceseeker Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) You sound very kind and considerate. If you feel like her friend might be hurt and you have somewhere to store the car, there doesn't seem to be a reason NOT to wait. Some kids might not mind, but some kids might. You know her so I would trust your gut. As someone else pointed out, kindness is never tacky. However life is tough and not fair and all our children will have to face these things along the way. Some friends will have to show up at baby showers with smiles on their faces while they struggle with infertility. Some will have to serve as attendants at weddings wondering if they will ever meet the right person. Watching their friends buy a big new home while they are squeaking by on rent. Watching friends have great family relationships and hallmark holidays while they struggle with dysfunctional families or grief and death. Life is just so very unfair. But I do think it is really kind of you to consider sparing her one of life's unfair moments. I am not sure what this girl is going through for tough times, but I hope they make her stronger in the end. Most of my unfair moments have shaped my character the most. Good luck in solving your dilemma! Edited September 22, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) I'd not gift it in front of the friend for my own selfish reasons. I would want DD to squeal and jump up and down and take the first drive with ME, not friend. Edited September 22, 2017 by TXBeth 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 If DD has any inkling at all that a car is coming sometime soon, then her bestie knows, too. And I'm almost positive she does know it's coming at some point (something she said earlier to DH). But, we're trying for surprise -- both in the type of car and in the timing. We don't get to surprise her often, because she literally never asks for anything big-ish specifically, unless we ask her for holiday ideas, and then she already knows what we're getting her :P Even if this isn't a surprise to her, DH thinks it is and has put a lot of time into this, so we'll go with that. I said I didn't think it would be tacky to have the friend there when you give your dd the car, but if your dh is very excited about making this a big surprise for her, I wouldn't want the friend there for that reason alone -- I'd want it to be a special family moment and not have anyone else there. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I don't see a problem with getting her the car now; it's not like she won't find out about it, and the two girls will probably love to ooh and aaah over it and chat about it. Anyway, I don't see the car as a gift; it's a practical purchase for transport. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivey Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I don't know that it's tacky, but I would not give her the car in front of her friend. My boys would be embarrassed, and it just wouldn't sit right with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaConquest Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I said I didn't think it would be tacky to have the friend there when you give your dd the car, but if your dh is very excited about making this a big surprise for her, I wouldn't want the friend there for that reason alone -- I'd want it to be a special family moment and not have anyone else there. This is pretty much my feeling as well. Especially if she can't immediately go have fun with her friend in the car, I don't see any downside to waiting. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 My personal experience: dd turned 16 and signed up for a driver's ed class with a close friend of hers. The class was starting the day after dds birthday. Friend didn't turn 16 for 6 MORE MONTHS. We showed up at their house ON dd's 16th birthday to pick her friend up to go out that evening and celebrate dd's birthday. They texted me earlier and said that they would be abut 30 minutes late. Where they had a brand-new car parked in their driveway they'd spent the afternoon purchasing for friend. the situation you're describing is the opposite. the other girl's birthday was in six months - so they bought her a car six months before she could legally drive it - and they went out of their way to give it to her and making you wait to pick her up. that was petty. they aren't the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 It's been said, but I'll add it anyway. I think a big gift like that is best given within the family alone, without "outsiders" present. Regardless of the friend's financial situation, I think it's likely to make the girl feel awkward. I'd wait. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I don't think it's tacky, but I see as a car as being more of a utility type of gift. All of our kids got cars when they were about 16 because they had jobs and it was a help to me to not have to drive them. (None of them got nice cars. Definitely not the excited, squealing, wow kind of cars.) If the friend happens to be there when the car happens to be ready, it would be more of a matter-of-fact thing in our family. If this was a different kind of gift that could be given any time, then I would think it was tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Well, since your dd doesn't even have her permit (learner's license, right? So she can't even legally drive the car, right?), I think I'd wait till friend leaves. However, I know you said it was a surprise, but I might ask my dd a theoretical question giving the same scenario and see what she thinks. But that is just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I also think it's tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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