Asking guests to pay up to £150 to attend wedding

[Word Nerd]

This is a new one.

[bettyandbob]

Oh yuck.

 

Yuck yuck yuck!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If her initial response to a marriage proposal would have been "we can't afford to get married," he could have just bided his time. They'd been together SIX years and have a three year old daughter. In many locations, wait another year and you've got a common law marriage anyway. In almost all locations, for the cost of a license and officiant you've got a traditional marriage. PEOPLE.

[SparklyUnicorn]

stupid...

 

I had a perfectly great wedding without spending that kind of money.  People gave us money as gifts (that's the typical gift in my experiences).  It was enough to pay for the wedding actually.  That was a nice bonus, but I wouldn't dream of asking people to pay to attend my wedding.

 

Why has it happened that people think they need to spend a zillion dollars to get married?  That's stupid.  It's awful to feel like you can't have a good wedding otherwise.

 

pathetic all around 

[3 ladybugs]

I see why they are doing it that way, but it is a bit tacky. However it is no different then what I did ultimately. I got married far from any family. If they wanted to come to my wedding they had to fly out, pay for a hotel and so on. I didn't have a bar at my wedding because it was tacky to me since I don't drink and my father is a recovering alcoholic. Not to mention I had a morning wedding. So guests that wanted to drink had to pay for it themselves from the bar. 

 

To each their own I guess. 

[catz]

:ack2:   I do think destination weddings are fine.  Just be up front and don't assume anyone is going to come, including close family.  I'm also a big fan of the justice of the peace/minister and a couple witnesses type solution.  A "real" pinterest inspired wedding with many guests is not some sort of birth right nor is it a necessity.

[Elizabeth86]

No way would I pay to go to a wedding.

[Guest]

That's vile and selfish. Make do with celebrating your marriage within your means, and don't require your guests to subsidize you. I think it actually surpasses the typical range of tacky and jumps straight into ghastly.

 

The "think of it as a holiday" angle is salesmanship, for sure, but it's still asking guests to pay for your big day in the end.

Edited September 20, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[AnnE-girl]

Not to be totally cynical, but after that many years together, and a child, I don't think this marriage is going to last with so much focus on the dream wedding.

[bettyandbob]

This isn't about a marriage at all. These people want a party. The theme is "wedding". 

 

I am sick of over produced weddings under the guise of "I deserve this." Why are people accepting of this type of behavior. 

[J-rap]

Well, destination weddings are a thing right now, and that seems to fall into that category I suppose.  It sounds like they're more just making it a super fun (according to them) weekend event for family and friends centered around a storybook wedding.  It looks like most of what the guests are paying is going into the venue/cottages/accommodations.

 

It's not the way I would do it.  However, my dd was married in Central America (due to her dh and his family being unable to get visas to the U.S.), so if people wanted to come they paid for their own airfare and accommodations.  

 

So even though my first reaction was negative, perhaps if their friend group and family is totally supportive of the idea and think it's fun, it's okay.

 

It's a fine line for me though.  If it truly is done just for fun and if their friend and family group is onboard, I guess it's to each his/her own.  But I know of a number of couples who absolutely will not get married until or unless they can afford their ultimate wedding, which of course costs a ridiculous amount of money and is mostly tradition and show.  

[Guest]

Here is a new one to me--a local young couple is spamming all their Facebook friends with their Honeyfund site. According to their registry, they've had a tough year, their wonderful parents are paying for the wedding but there is nothing for the relaxing honeymoon of their dreams. I want to say, sweetie, you are young, you have no kids and you are both employed. If you think life is stressful NOW, you have a long, hard life ahead of you.

[MEmama]

A good friend of mine did that. There was only place her DH wanted to have the ceremony, and it involved everyone shelling out for their own cabin at a summer resort. Between high season prices, the cost for my required maid of honour dress, fancy clothes for DS, etc it cost us a *fortune*. The scenery was pretty but the cabin was mildewy and had spiders, and it was definitely no vacation for us. It was actually pretty DIY despite the expensive location, and they were thrilled with how it came together.

 

Our wedding was super simple--my parents backyard with a justice of the peace--but still waaaaaayyyyy more fuss than we wanted (we would have preferred to elope. We were already essentially married). And due to having family all over the country, it did require people to fly out and stay in hotels (including us). I'm not sure that's any different.

[goldberry]

I'm all for simple weddings.

 

But destination weddings usually cost way more than what he's charging.  Sounds like maybe he made a deal or something to make it easier for the guests and they're just paying him instead of the actual lodging/food etc.  All in all, probably not any worse than the typical destination wedding (which I'm not a fan of).

[TechWife]

No way would I pay to go to a wedding.

 

I have - clothing, air fare, hotel, food. It's quite expensive! 

[bettyandbob]

I have - clothing, air fare, hotel, food. It's quite expensive!

That is often the cost of going if you are an out of town guest. There's a difference here. This couple is essentially charging admission.

[Guest]

I’ve spent that much to go to weddings no, but I wasn’t CHARGED to go to the weddinsg. There’s a difference.

[ktgrok]

At first I was bothered, but honestly...if people were going to spend that anyway to attend/get hotel/etc....I guess it isn't terrible. But not great. I have seen though that many destination weddings are the same thing...if enough guests pay to stay at the resort they resort gives the couple a free room or free ceremony or whatever. 

[happi duck]

Since all their guests are on board it sounds like he knew his friends and family well. It was nice to see kids included.

 

To me, it sounds more like a family reunion with a wedding than "pay for our wedding".

 

We recently went to a reception and lots of guests were staying at the venue for the weekend.

[Bluegoat]

I have mixed feelings.  I don't think people should have to pay to attend a party they are invited to.

 

OTOH, for a real destination wedding, the guests do normally pay - they aren't going to just fly in for the day, and even if they did it would be a big expense.

 

I don't have a problem with the idea that there would be a special package offered to the people going to such a thing.

 

Then - I also have mixed feelings about destination weddings  -  I think they can, in some cases, be rather self-centred.

 

In this case, it does seem pretty entitled.

[Butter]

Do brides and grooms normally pay for destination weddings?  I thought the guests always have.  Anyone going to a wedding from out of town has to pay quite a bit to attend.  It looks like they actually negotiated some pretty good deals for their guests.  Our wedding was quite cheap and we even paid for the bridesmaids' dresses, but if people are willing to pay to go to a wedding, then I honestly don't see the big deal.  If you are invited and don't like it or can't afford it, don't go.  That's always an option with weddings.

[MercyA]

:ack2:  :ack2:  :ack2:

[catz]

I think if people are choosing to cover airfare and rooms to attend an event, that is one thing.  It's another thing as a groom to negotiate a package that includes attending your wedding in the price point.   If people are LITERALLY paying for the wedding at a destination wedding, that is messed up.

Edited September 20, 2017 by WoolySocks

[SKL]

Honestly?  For a three-night stay at a nice place I could see it - as long as they don't also want a $$ wedding present.  :P

 

But, probably they expect the wedding present too.  I'd have to think that one over, considering 150 pounds may be a bargain price for a vacay there ....

 

They say everyone RSVPd yes ....

[MEmama]

I think if people are choosing to cover airfare and rooms to attend an event, that is one thing. It's another thing as a groom to negotiate a package that includes attending your wedding in the price point. If people are LITERALLY paying for the wedding at a destination wedding, that is messed up.

But what if the groom had been able to find his guests a good deal on airline tickets, or a group rate on a hotel if X number guests stayed there? How would that be different?

 

Eta: re your eta: so if he had negotiated a good price at Y hotel for his out of town guests, and the hotel offered their ballroom for the ceremony/party/whatever, that would be tacky? The couple should pay separately for a space just for appearances? I know that's not quite the case, but it doesn't seem too different, IMO.

Edited September 20, 2017 by MEmama

[gardenmom5]

at least they're up front about it - and not sending letters after the wedding censuring their guests for no spending enough on a gift to offset their cost of inviting and hosting them.

I hope everyone declines.   they're not ready to get married.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Here is a new one to me--a local young couple is spamming all their Facebook friends with their Honeyfund site. According to their registry, they've had a tough year, their wonderful parents are paying for the wedding but there is nothing for the relaxing honeymoon of their dreams. I want to say, sweetie, you are young, you have no kids and you are both employed. If you think life is stressful NOW, you have a long, hard life ahead of you.

😱

 

If I EVER see a "Honeyfund" on Facebook, I will lose my mind.

[Crimson Wife]

Here is a new one to me--a local young couple is spamming all their Facebook friends with their Honeyfund site. According to their registry, they've had a tough year, their wonderful parents are paying for the wedding but there is nothing for the relaxing honeymoon of their dreams. I want to say, sweetie, you are young, you have no kids and you are both employed. If you think life is stressful NOW, you have a long, hard life ahead of you.

 

I'm going on 19 years of marriage and we still haven't had a honeymoon due to a number of different reasons. Too broke when we got married and life got in the way for our 5th, 10th, and 15th anniversaries. I doubt we'll be able to go for our 20th since I will (fingers crossed) be in grad school. Maybe for our silver anniversary?

 

[gardenmom5]

Here is a new one to me--a local young couple is spamming all their Facebook friends with their Honeyfund site. According to their registry, they've had a tough year, their wonderful parents are paying for the wedding but there is nothing for the relaxing honeymoon of their dreams. I want to say, sweetie, you are young, you have no kids and you are both employed. If you think life is stressful NOW, you have a long, hard life ahead of you.

 

said the young bride to her mother on her wedding day: oh mother, I'm at the end of all my troubles.

mother: yes dear, you just don't know which end.

 

 

I don't have an issue with destination weddings per se - it's expecting guests to fork out.  some could do so easily, other's will feel pressured but can't really afford it.

 

I have a number of nieces and nephews who chose to marry elsewhere.  from "that was where the spouse was from" and it enabled the spouse's family to attend (when they lived in a different country- china, ukraine, etc..) . to some nieces who deliberately chose destination to prevent a particular person from attending.  (they didn't care if no one else came - as long as that one person didn't.  that one person would have spent the money, but one niece flat out told her no when it was suggested.)

[J-rap]

Here is a new one to me--a local young couple is spamming all their Facebook friends with their Honeyfund site. According to their registry, they've had a tough year, their wonderful parents are paying for the wedding but there is nothing for the relaxing honeymoon of their dreams. I want to say, sweetie, you are young, you have no kids and you are both employed. If you think life is stressful NOW, you have a long, hard life ahead of you.

 

I've seen this too, but they are opting for the honeymoon fund instead of gifts.  I don't have a big problem with that, I guess.  It's not really much different than a gift registry, is it?  A little more frivolous perhaps, but maybe their priorities are different.

[J-rap]

I think if people are choosing to cover airfare and rooms to attend an event, that is one thing.  It's another thing as a groom to negotiate a package that includes attending your wedding in the price point.   If people are LITERALLY paying for the wedding at a destination wedding, that is messed up.

 

I agree, although in this case, it sounds like the couple is mostly paying for the wedding.  The guests' payment goes toward their weekend accommodations, from what it sounds like.  (Well the venue too -- but it's combined.)

 

I wonder if their guests could choose to just attend the ceremony for the day, not pay for the venue, and not stay overnight?

[mom2scouts]

I have no desire to attend a wedding as a paying customer. If I'm going to pay for "a holiday", I'm going to choose the destination and activities myself.

[SKL]

I've seen this too, but they are opting for the honeymoon fund instead of gifts.  I don't have a big problem with that, I guess.  It's not really much different than a gift registry, is it?  A little more frivolous perhaps, but maybe their priorities are different.

 

If they've been living independently from parents for a while, then the registry would be more frivolous than a good travel trip IMO.  :)

 

[goldberry]

I think if people are choosing to cover airfare and rooms to attend an event, that is one thing.  It's another thing as a groom to negotiate a package that includes attending your wedding in the price point.   If people are LITERALLY paying for the wedding at a destination wedding, that is messed up.

 

I don't know, that seems pretty low for three nights stay alone.  Not sure how it could realistically cover a whole lot else.  We just went to Moab and couldn't find a place under $150 a night.

 

[goldberry]

😱

 

If I EVER see a "Honeyfund" on Facebook, I will lose my mind.

 

Agree, that's so tacky.

 

[goldberry]

I can't think of five people I want to spend three days with, much less 80.

 

Amen to that...

[SparklyUnicorn]

I can't think of five people I want to spend three days with, much less 80.

 

Haha.,really. 

[MEmama]

If they've been living independently from parents for a while, then the registry would be more frivolous than a good travel trip IMO. :)

 

I agree. I'm not sure why it should matter to anyone.

 

DH and I had to change our "honeymoon" plans at the last minute--we had planned to go backpacking in the redwoods for a few days, but the weather turned rainy and I came down with a cold, so instead we went to Monterey and stayed in some fleabag motel we could barely afford. We hadn't registered for anything because we were already living together and had everything we needed, but we sure were glad for some of the cash that came our way to pay for said fleabag motel and other unexpected costs. We far preferred that to a set of engraved champagne glasses we've still never opened after 23 years of marriage or other frivolous items. So what if a couple thinks ahead and asks for financial help for their honeymoon instead of bedsheets?

[Word Nerd]

I’ve spent that much to go to weddings no, but I wasn’t CHARGED to go to the weddinsg. There’s a difference.

 

This is what bothers me about it. There may not be much practical difference between this and a destination wedding, but it just seems so tacky to essentially issue a bill for wedding guests.

[SKL]

This is what bothers me about it. There may not be much practical difference between this and a destination wedding, but it just seems so tacky to essentially issue a bill for wedding guests.

 

I think once you decide on a "destination wedding" and invite a bunch of people, you've already asked them to pay a bunch to attend your wedding.

 

This couple may have saved the guests a lot of money by booking the whole resort rather than expecting each person to find lodging themselves without a group rate.  And transportation and meals too.

 

The net result is less money paid by the average guest, and probably more total guests, compared to the other "destination weddings."

 

Personally I don't like the idea of "destination weddings" in the first place, unless you are rich enough to pay for everyone's transportation and lodgings.   But this seems like a happy medium.

 

[Crimson Wife]

 So what if a couple thinks ahead and asks for financial help for their honeymoon instead of bedsheets?

 

Couples can do what they like and guests are entitled to their own personal opinions of the super-tackiness of a cash grab. We often do give cash instead of a registry gift as a present but that's OUR choice rather than feeling like a "shakedown".

 

[Guest]

Couples can do what they like and guests are entitled to their own personal opinions of the super-tackiness of a cash grab. We often do give cash instead of a registry gift as a present but that's OUR choice rather than feeling like a "shakedown".

 

And this isn't just for guests. It is all their FB friends.

[FaithManor]

If her initial response to a marriage proposal would have been "we can't afford to get married," he could have just bided his time. They'd been together SIX years and have a three year old daughter. In many locations, wait another year and you've got a common law marriage anyway. In almost all locations, for the cost of a license and officiant you've got a traditional marriage. PEOPLE.

E.x.a.c.t.l.y.

[FaithManor]

I can't think of five people I want to spend three days with, much less 80.

Three days with five people that are NOT my kids, hubby, son in law, and grandson? Nope.

 

Eighty people oh just heeeeeeeeeeeccccccccccckkkkkkkkk no!!!!!

[Arcadia]

While I think it is tacky, it would work for many in my social circle. They take a vacation and staycation every year spending more than £300 for a staycation at a local resort. So to them this wedding invite would just replace a staycation for that year. The groom in the article asked for £150 per adult so a couple without kids would be paying £300.

 

As for spending time with 80 people, that is only for the wedding festivities. When on vacation, most hotels we stay in have more than 80 people. The breakfast room is crowded. The Marriott we stayed in had free family activities for guest so we participated in some. I don't see it as spending three days with 80 people but a three day vacation which includes two dinners with other wedding guests. You can just sit and eat and smile, no need for small talk even.

[Seasider]

This isn't about a marriage at all. These people want a party. The theme is "wedding".

 

I am sick of over produced weddings under the guise of "I deserve this." Why are people accepting of this type of behavior.

This is what I don't get. There are so many naked emperors running around these days, and no one wants to call them out. Foolishness reigns.

[Reefgazer]

I agree. A later evening reception, after dinner, with dessert or cake/punch would have been lovely.  And they wouldn't have  had to ask their guests to fund their wedding.  But apparently, that's the circle they move in, because he said no one hassled him about it.  I guess the guest who were offended just declined the invite, LOL.

stupid...

 

I had a perfectly great wedding without spending that kind of money.  People gave us money as gifts (that's the typical gift in my experiences).  It was enough to pay for the wedding actually.  That was a nice bonus, but I wouldn't dream of asking people to pay to attend my wedding.

 

Why has it happened that people think they need to spend a zillion dollars to get married?  That's stupid.  It's awful to feel like you can't have a good wedding otherwise.

 

pathetic all around 

 

Edited September 21, 2017 by reefgazer

[Bluegoat]

In the area my cousin lives, in a certain economic bracket, people finance their weddings with what they call a Stag and Doe.  Usually its a dance of some kind, maybe with some food.  People buy tickets and come out to the party.  It's meant to cover the cost of the wedding as well as the event itself.  

 

I find the whole idea really tacky, but it seems to be totally accepted in the working classes.  I don't know how far back it goes, but I can kind of imagine in the past this being a way for a modest community to help its kids afford a modest wedding.  

 

I think that  there are a lot of these things that seem tacky that in a different context, outside the destination wedding or $5000 dress and such, might have had a totally different feel.

Edited September 21, 2017 by Bluegoat