What is the point of visitation separate from the funeral?

[Janeway]

I know it is always done, but what is the point? I am seriously asking. Visitation is tonight and funeral is tomorrow morning and I have been crying all day and now am trying to figure out if I should be attending both or perhaps just the funeral or what.

 

Also, what about children? Should they be attending these things? The rest of the funerals I have gone to either I did not take the kids, or it was so far away with travel and overnight stay that I had to take the kids.

Edited September 18, 2017 by Janeway

[JFSinIL]

A separate visitation provides a time for folks unable to attend the funeral to pay respects and visit with the family. For my in-laws, each had an evening visitation at the funeral home, then another short one at the church for anhour before the service, followed by another short service at the cemetery, and then a three-hour meal at a restaurant. Folks attended what they could. Hubby and his siblings and all the cousins (and self) attended everything. In-laws had been popular, energetic folks in their local community.

 

Now, my dad passed this summer, and his ashes are in my kid sister's bedroom, and no memorial or anything is even planned yet. Much more lo-key.

 

When I pass, I think the kids will "plant" me out back with the cats and hamster and pet rat etc. under the pine tree ;-)

 

If you have been crying all day, then going to the visitation and the funeral may give you closure?

Edited September 18, 2017 by JFSinIL

[Annie G]

MIL recently passed and the visitation turned into a time for dh to...well, visit with people he hadn't seen in years. People who came to the visitation to pay their respects but didn't come to the funeral the next day.  Dh is 58 and his second grade teacher showed up and shared some memories of his mom.  Old friends from high school came. People that normally wouldn't feel close enough to attend the funeral. Usually for friends and their relatives we attend visitations but not funerals.  For relatives we do both. 

 

As for kids, if you don't think they need to be there, it's your call. Some kids are fine there, others are not.  If your kids will need you to watch them, then maybe you don't want them there. It might distract you. On the other hand, maybe having them there is a welcome distraction for you. Its such a personal preference. 

 

Now, whether YOU want to attend both is of course up to you.  Your relationship was....strained....so you need to think about what YOU want and what you can handle.  There should be a time at both the visitation and the funeral for you (family member) to be with her privately to say your own goodbye.  You probably need closure, so you have to navigate what means to you. 

 

:grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

Visitation is also where you see the body.  I fine that helpful, personally.  Not everyone wants to do it, though.

Also, customs differ.

Out here, the default is 'both' but if you have to pick one you pick the funeral.  Where my DH is from, if you have to pick one you pick the visitation, something that I found very surprising.  So it's important to know the local customs.

More is always better than less.

If you want your kids to have this opportunity to be with their extended family, this is one of the best and most natural times to bring them, if they will behave well.

I think direct lineal descendents should usually be present.  Cousins are a little more optional.

[Arcadia]

My mom was a nurse. When a former colleague passed, the nurses were able to visit during visitation hours to say their goodbyes but most won't have been able to make it for the funeral.

 

Most times I was able to attend my relatives funeral. However if I am feeling sick, a short visitation is easier on everyone then a relative having to keep an eye on me during a long funeral service in case I need help. My relatives funeral services are a few hours long and I get dizzy sometimes if room ventilation is not great.

[G5052]

Locally, visitation is in the evening so that people can come by after work. Funerals are during the day with burial right afterwards. It's understood that some won't be able to make both.

[Ellie]

I know it is always done, but what is the point? I am seriously asking. Visitation is tonight and funeral is tomorrow morning and I have been crying all day and now am trying to figure out if I should be attending both or perhaps just the funeral or what.

 

Also, what about children? Should they be attending these things? The rest of the funerals I have gone to either I did not take the kids, or it was so far away with travel and overnight stay that I had to take the kids.

 

You don't have to go to both.

 

Sometimes there's an open coffin at visitation, while it is closed during the funeral. Also, at the visitation, some people will go to the coffin and spend a few minutes, while at the funeral, if anything, people just file past the coffin. And the funeral has a whole service; sometimes it's a religious service (as at a Catholic funeral Mass), sometimes not, but there's talking and maybe praying and whatnot; visitation is undirected, you know?

 

I would probably not take young children to a visitation. Maybe it's just that in my family, we didn't do visitations, just the funeral. Or maybe there was visitation and my parents didn't take me.

 

When my MIL passed away, we didn't do visitation. She was in her 80s, had lived for almost 20 years in another state in assisted living, and we just wanted people to remember her as she was, so we had a closed coffin and a framed picture of her sitting on top.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Some people like looking at dead bodies.  Several in my family also take pictures.

 

I'm half kidding (I know completely inappropriate, but I've always wondered what the point is myself).  There are some in my family who actually do take pictures of the dead person though.

 

I think with the kids...take them or don't take them.  On the one hand (if I recall correctly) they didn't know her.  On the other, it is a chance for them to get used to the idea of funerals.  You might find they make the funeral easier for you.  When I brought my son to my mother's wake and funeral it was a distraction and he was a comfort to me.  He was very young at the time and doesn't remember it at all.  When I went to funerals as a kid I didn't think much about them so I doubt it generally causes trauma for most kids.

 

 

[Insertcreativenamehere]

I've brought my kids to my grandparents' funerals but I don't force them to go to a funeral for someone they didn't know.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

For both my parents we had visitation and burial separate.

 

Visitation was for a wider community to be able to pay their respects, the burial was limited to family.

Edited September 18, 2017 by PinkyandtheBrains.

[Murphy101]

Whatever you want. I'd take my kids to both, but again, whatever you decide.

[G5052]

When my MIL passed away, we didn't do visitation. She was in her 80s, had lived for almost 20 years in another state in assisted living, and we just wanted people to remember her as she was, so we had a closed coffin and a framed picture of her sitting on top.

 

That's my preference. Where I grew up, they have memorial services with no coffin or a closed coffin. There's no visitation.

 

I went to two last year that followed that pattern, so perhaps that's taking off here. 

[QueenCat]

I know it is always done, but what is the point? I am seriously asking. Visitation is tonight and funeral is tomorrow morning and I have been crying all day and now am trying to figure out if I should be attending both or perhaps just the funeral or what.

 

Also, what about children? Should they be attending these things? The rest of the funerals I have gone to either I did not take the kids, or it was so far away with travel and overnight stay that I had to take the kids.

 

Visitation is less formal, a time to visit & give more personal condolences to the family. Yes, children should attend if they were close or would be sad later on that they were deprived of "saying goodbye." Mine started attending when they were about 5 for close family. For less close people, but still people they knew, around the age of 10.

[Elizabeth86]

In my experience the visitation is more about the family and a way to show your concern for he living. For instance your coworker may be sorry for your loss, but may have never met the one that passed on. This might be a good way for her to say Im sorry for your loss by popping in for 20 minutes or so. The funeral o is more of a tribute to the deceased and is usually only attended by those truly grieving the one that passed away.

[Elizabeth86]

In my experience the visitation is more about the family and a way to show your concern for he living. For instance your coworker may be sorry for your loss, but may have never met the one that passed on. This might be a good way for her to say Im sorry for your loss by popping in for 20 minutes or so. The funeral o is more of a tribute to the deceased and is usually only attended by those truly grieving the one that passed away.

[Catwoman]

I know it is always done, but what is the point? I am seriously asking. Visitation is tonight and funeral is tomorrow morning and I have been crying all day and now am trying to figure out if I should be attending both or perhaps just the funeral or what.

 

Also, what about children? Should they be attending these things? The rest of the funerals I have gone to either I did not take the kids, or it was so far away with travel and overnight stay that I had to take the kids.

You should attend both because it's your mother, not an acquaintance or a distant relative.

 

Did your kids know their grandmother? Also, how old are all of your kids?

[marbel]

In my experience, it is not always done. We had s visitation for my dad the night before his funeral, but didn't do one for my mom.

The most recent funeral I went to, there was visitation for the hour before the funeral service, then, the service, and finally a procession to the gravesite.  I went to the service only.  There was also a dinner after the grave-side service, I think for close friends and family members only.  (I wasn't invited but wouldn't expect to be, being neither close friends nor family.)   

I suppose it is a mixture of local custom and wishes of the deceased, if known, and/ or the family.

As others have said, often there is something in the evening so people who are unable to attend the funeral can pay their respects.

Typically close family members attend all events related to the funeral, but I'd consider the kids' needs. And your own.

Edited September 19, 2017 by marbel

[Catwoman]

You don't have to go to both.

 

Sometimes there's an open coffin at visitation, while it is closed during the funeral. Also, at the visitation, some people will go to the coffin and spend a few minutes, while at the funeral, if anything, people just file past the coffin. And the funeral has a whole service; sometimes it's a religious service (as at a Catholic funeral Mass), sometimes not, but there's talking and maybe praying and whatnot; visitation is undirected, you know?

 

I would probably not take young children to a visitation. Maybe it's just that in my family, we didn't do visitations, just the funeral. Or maybe there was visitation and my parents didn't take me.

 

When my MIL passed away, we didn't do visitation. She was in her 80s, had lived for almost 20 years in another state in assisted living, and we just wanted people to remember her as she was, so we had a closed coffin and a framed picture of her sitting on top.

I have never heard of an immediate family member not attending both the wake and the funeral, unless it was a very young child.

 

Wouldn't most families think it was extremely odd for a daughter to skip either the wake or the funeral for her own mother unless she lived too far away to get there in time for the wake?

[Mbelle]

I am dealing with this this week as well.  I would take all my kids since it's a relative, but it's out of state and midweek.  I will only take the little one since it will be a bigger ordeal for everyone else at home if I leave him.

 

[Beaniemom]

We took our kids to dh's grandfather's funeral. They did the visitation for several hours before the service. Before we went we had a plan in place where I would take charge of the children (at the time 6,8, and 10 years old). That way dh could visit. Two of mine wanted to view the body, one didn't so I stayed with the one not viewing and the other 2 went to view with relatives. It was a time to visit and tell stories.

[Catwoman]

I am dealing with this this week as well. I would take all my kids since it's a relative, but it's out of state and midweek. I will only take the little one since it will be a bigger ordeal for everyone else at home if I leave him.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Mbelle. :grouphug:

[Janeway]

You should attend both because it's your mother, not an acquaintance or a distant relative.

 

Did your kids know their grandmother? Also, how old are all of your kids?

the older kids remember her but the younger ones do not. (15 yr old who is turning 16 this week, and 13 yr old and then 8 and 5 yr old who is also turning 6 this week and 2 yr old)

Edited September 18, 2017 by Janeway

[Junie]

(((Janeway)))

 

I always thought that the visitation was for others to visit with the family and offer consolation.  The funeral is to honor the person who died and is an opportunity to pay last respects.

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

I personally find wakes creepy and I stopped attending them in college after I experienced hallucinations at my grandfather's wake.

 

I make my apologies to the family for not attending but I just don't handle seeing the body well at all

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[catz]

I would certainly take a 15 and a 13 year old.  I might leave a toddler and 5/6 year old.  The 8 year I could go either way with.  Would it provide comfort to you to have your kids with you?  I would definitely go to the whole event if this is your mother.  And I'm sorry for your loss.   :grouphug:   My father's funeral was very difficult, but it was also good to see all the people who cared.

 

ETA - I'm not a huge fan of viewing the dead either.  Many funeral parlors allow you to position yourself where you don't have to see the body if you prefer not to.  My father had a visitation and was cremated, so there was no viewing. 

Edited September 18, 2017 by WoolySocks

[matrips]

Visitation in my experience in people visiting and chatting. It is a less formal environment than the funeral the next day and often more people can come because because of it being after work/school. Often photos and other memories are around. Couches and chairs to hang out in. Not everyone views the body. It can be a time to catch up on old friends and relatives.

[gardenmom5]

it's up to you if you take children.  for younger children - it can be overwhelming.  especially as the day can be very long.   because this is your mother - if you chose to have younger children come, have someone else in charge of them in case they need to be cared for.  you will be busy elsewhere.  you could also arrange to have them there for only part of the time - as the person caring for them takes them elsewhere.

 

dudeling was four when my mother died - I left him with a niece on dh's side.  it would have been way too much for him.  (and stressed me even if I'd had someone caring for him.)   he had previously been close to her when he was tiny, but for about a year before she died, he'd spent less and less time with her due to her failing health.

my mother/family all chose cremation - so there was no visitation for anyone on my immediate side.  

 

the visitation/viewing is less structured than a funeral - and is an opportunity to "say goodbye" without the pressure of the funeral crowds.  it helps the death "feel real" in a way a funeral does not. especially as there generally isn't time before the casket is then taken away to the cemetery.  (which is common on dh's side as there is a short dedication of the grave service which is attended by close friends and family.)

 

the friends/dh's family visitations/viewing I've attended have all allowed time to talk with the immediate family/bereaved.   then the funeral was just go go go until the family dinner and the opportunity to finally sit back down.   and even at the dinner after my mom's memorial service - it was go go go talking to her friends.  and I'm very glad I had no small children there.  I was glad when it was all over so I could go process.

[QueenCat]

You should attend both because it's your mother, not an acquaintance or a distant relative.

 

 

 

Exactly.

[Bambam]

I think a visitation immediately followed by the funeral can be difficult from an emotional standpoint. Efficient, yes, but hard. So I think that is why some select to have the visitation the night before (also so working people can come because often they cannot take off time during the day). 

 

For your mom, I think you attend both visitation and funeral. Regarding children attending, that depends upon if you think they can handle it. We took our kids to their granddad's funeral. Only one went to the graveside though, the other needed to not go. 

[FaithManor]

Around here visitation is done in the evening and is primarily because many people cannot get off work for a funeral unless that person is a very close relative.

 

Young children can find open casket very disturbing so you may want to consider keeping them to the back, and under your direct supervision because people can get rather weird at funerals. You want to be able to move them to another room if someone really comes apart. Watching an aunt collapse on the floor, screaming, announcing she had nothing left to live for is not something you want your young kids near. My poor boys were too close to that when they were very young, I was in the bathroom, and I trusted my brother to watch them. It apparently did not occur to him to remove his young nephews from the scene.

 

Since you have been estranged from your mom for many years and the youngest have no memory, don't feel obligated to take them.

[HollyDay]

My mother's will stated that she did not want a visitation.  She wanted a brief early afternoon memorial service followed by a brief reception.  I regret that she did not have a visitation.  I lived out of state and had not seen many friends and relatives in quite a while.  Many relatives lived out of state also.  By having an afternoon service during the week, many could not attend the service.  Some stopped by the service or the reception but not both.  Many skipped their lunch breaks so they could attend one or the other.  I didn't get to chat with many people I wanted to see.  I didn't get to hear the stories about mother or how she impacted people's lives.  The memorial was difficult for me. And the reception was, as she wanted, brief.  There was so little time.  I've thought that a visitation would have helped me get closure in a way that the memorial could not because the visitation is interactive.

[RootAnn]

I'd let the kids decide on whether they want to come with you or not.

 

My brother's visitation this summer was a lot of catching up, visiting, hugging, and telling stories.

 

I, personally, don't do well at funerals since my dad died five years ago. I was never great at them; I'm a fountain. I do better at visitations, but still not great. I pick the visitation vs. the funeral when I have a choice. There is more contact with the family. With the funeral, you barely get to see the family of the deceased beforehand. If you want to visit, you have to stay for the funeral dinner. That isn't always possible. Sometimes, it just feels weird.

 

You will most likely not see a huge overlap of people between the two events.

[laundrycrisis]

Visitation is more social.  People share expressions of sympathy, shared memories about the person who has passed...sometimes people who have not seen each other in a long time connect again over their relationship with the person.  I think it also helps those closest to the person to stay in a protective mental space for a little while - a special time when everyone who participates is collectively very focused on the memories of the person when they were living.  To me, it is nice to have this time before the finality of the funeral service and burial.  

 

[cjzimmer1]

When my grandparents died, I had really young kids (for one I had a 1 year old and 3 year old and then some middle ages as well).  I found them to be a nice distraction.  Sometimes, it was just too hard or I was on the verge of a crying jag but then I needed to chase after a kid etc.  Yes it was stressful  and a little distracting (but not as distracting as the bat that landed in the aisle in the middle of the service)but the diversion really helped me keep my emotions in check.  And I can't tell you how many of the older relatives THANKED me for bringing the kids. Many of my great aunts and second cousins had never met my kids but had heard about them from my grandparents over the years.  They really enjoyed getting a chance to meet them.

 

So do what you feel is right but I've never regretted taking my kids.  I think it's good for them even the little ones to be exposed to funerals/death since it's all a part of life.

[Garga]

It's your mother. I think you need to go to both. The only reason not to is for extreme boundary issues. If a scene will be caused by you being there, then you might not go. But normally it would be bizarre for a daughter not to attend a mother's visitaion and funeral (barring travel impossibilities.)

 

The visitation will have lots of people milling around and talking.

 

The funeral will be more formal with little talking. People will take their seats and then some sort of service--either church or provided by the funeral home.

 

After the funeral, everyone might proceed to the burial site where more words will be said.

 

And after that, there is usually a meal. The family may or may not choose to invite all the particpants at the funeral to the meal. The meal has a lot of talking, as at the visitation.

Edited September 19, 2017 by Garga

[lauraw4321]

It's your mother. I think you need to go to both. The only reason not to is for extreme boundary issues. If a scene will be caused by you being there, then you might not go. But normally it would be bizarre for a daughter not to attend a mother's visitaion and funeral (barring travel impossibilities.)

 

The visitation will have lots of people milling around and talking.

 

The funeral will be more formal with little talking. People will take their seats and then some sort of service--either church or provided by the funeral home.

 

After the funeral, everyone might proceed to the burial site where more words will be said.

 

And after that, there is usually a meal. The family may or may not choose to invite all the particpants at the funeral to the meal. The meal has a lot of talking, as at the visitation.

QFT

[FaithManor]

It's your mother. I think you need to go to both. The only reason not to is for extreme boundary issues.

Actually, Janeway has expressed in other threads that due to her mother being a pretty th horrific person, and very unhealthy family drama within her extended family, she had to cut her mother out of her life many years ago. None of the other children even know the grandmother or have memories. So it is a sticky situation as they have been estranged for so long, and she cannot open the door to the rest of the family. It could be quite messy which is why she is so very hesitant to take any of her children.

 

Hugs Janeway, you have a lot to figure out and deal with while sorting out your own feelings. Take care of yourself and lean on your hubby.

Edited September 19, 2017 by FaithManor

[Janeway]

Actually, Janeway has expressed in other threads that due to her mother being a pretty th horrific person, and very unhealthy family drama within her extended family, she had to cut her mother out of her life many years ago. None of the other children even know the grandmother or have memories. So it is a sticky situation as they have been estranged for so long, and she cannot open the door to the rest of the family. It could be quite messy which is why she is so very hesitant to take any of her children.

 

Hugs Janeway, you have a lot to figure out and deal with while sorting out your own feelings. Take care of yourself and lean on your hubby.

Also, I posted about how I did not know if this has been the dementia or just who she is. I do not think I will ever know. The fact that she lost the ability to speak for the last several months makes me think maybe it was the dementia. But the fact that she always basically played favorites so my siblings always would fall all over each other to be her favorite and impress her, resulting in a lot of back stabbing is a biggie. I suspect it was a combination of everything.

 

However, I am just devastated. What is wrong with me? I thought I had moved on and knew this would happen eventually, but all I can think about is the good times.

 

edited: for clarity

Edited September 19, 2017 by Janeway

[RootAnn]

However, I am just devastated. What is wrong with me? I thought I had moved on and knew this would happen eventually, but all I can think about is the good times.

 

I think this is a surprising part of grief. My brother's ex-wife, the one who broke things off with my bro & moved onto another guy even before she split with him, expressed how surprised she was to be devastated by his death. She was shocked by the level of sadness she was experiencing and also said all she could think of were the good times. It is not an unusual reaction.

[Garga]

Also, I posted about how I did not know if this has been the dementia or just who she is. I do not think I will ever know. The fact that she lost the ability to speak for the last several months does not help. Neither does the fact that she always basically played favorites so my siblings always would fall all over each other to be her favorite and impress her, resulting in a lot of back stabbing. I suspect it was a combination of everything.

 

However, I am just devastated. What is wrong with me? I thought I had moved on and knew this would happen eventually, but all I can think about is the good times.

Yes, I wondered if there was a back story.

 

Unfortunately, you are the only one who can figure out which parts you need to attend for your own closure. But you can know what to expect at each stage (visitation/funeral/grave side/meal).

Edited September 19, 2017 by Garga

[shawthorne44]

I know it is always done, but what is the point? I am seriously asking. Visitation is tonight and funeral is tomorrow morning and I have been crying all day and now am trying to figure out if I should be attending both or perhaps just the funeral or what.

 

Also, what about children? Should they be attending these things? The rest of the funerals I have gone to either I did not take the kids, or it was so far away with travel and overnight stay that I had to take the kids.

 

I can answer the kid question.  DH was 'protected' from funerals, so his first was his dad's when he was a young adult.  He said his confusion multiplied his grief.   Same thing happened to a good friend of ours, only her first funeral was when her baby only lived a few days.    So, take the kids if you can.  

[FaithManor]

Also, I posted about how I did not know if this has been the dementia or just who she is. I do not think I will ever know. The fact that she lost the ability to speak for the last several months makes me think maybe it was the dementia. But the fact that she always basically played favorites so my siblings always would fall all over each other to be her favorite and impress her, resulting in a lot of back stabbing is a biggie. I suspect it was a combination of everything.

 

However, I am just devastated. What is wrong with me? I thought I had moved on and knew this would happen eventually, but all I can think about is the good times.

 

edited: for clarity

It's okay Janeway. Nothing is wrong with you at all. You are grieving what you lost, and that is for a loving relationship with your mom. Your heart and mind are choosing to dwell on some happy thoughts, and though you know intellectually that these were dwarfed by her behavior and the drama she caused in the family, it is still just okay to hang on the good stuff and let the bad go. Grieving is weird, comes in waves, and is something you just endure one step at a time.

 

Hang in there!

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

I can answer the kid question.  DH was 'protected' from funerals, so his first was his dad's when he was a young adult.  He said his confusion multiplied his grief.   Same thing happened to a good friend of ours, only her first funeral was when her baby only lived a few days.    So, take the kids if you can.  

I think that funerals can be very confusing.

 

With out own kids, we made sure the first one we took them to was one of an acquaintance so that we weren't personally grieving hard. We stayed in the back, and discreetly explained things if they had questions, but did a lot of prep at home ahead of time. I think it is a LOT tougher if the first funeral you attend as a child or young adult is one of someone you are very close to so will be grieving yourself.