Remudamom Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 My mother is married to an abusive drunk. (Not my dad). She is 80 and although she says he has not hit her (yet) I know there has been every other type of abuse. She just does not see how serious this is. Has anyone ever successfully dealt with a situation like this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 (edited) Depends on what you would consider successful? Rehab for him? Likely will only happen if he is recognizing he has a problem, then gets the ball rolling himself. Is he around your mother's age and could a form of dementia play a role? Has the drinking started later in life or did he start young? Getting your mother out of the situation? If she is looking to separate, and if you have the space you can give her a refuge for while. If neither is the case or goal, you could contact Elder Abuse or a social worker. Since I don't believe we are in the same state, I could not be certain what resources you have available since these type of things tend to vary. Do you know why your mother stays? What is she getting from him, i.e. financial support, companionship or is she afraid to make any changes at this stage in her life? Edited September 17, 2017 by Liz CA 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 20, 2017 Author Share Posted September 20, 2017 Update- Thanks, Liz!! I think she stays with him because she doesn't want to be alone. Personally I think she is still in love with my dad. They divorced after 35 years because of all his affairs, totally different drama. Anyhow, she was warned by friends and family not to get involved with this loser but she hates to live alone. In her town there are two sons and one daughter but they are pretty worthless when it come to spending time with her. I get it, they have kids and they are busy but come on guys.....it's mom. My sister and I, who would take care of her live 8 and 11 hours away. Anyhow, she told him he could not come home. He's presently in the hospital because he was so drunk my mom thought he was having a stroke and called 911. She is very depressed and lonely. Sis and I are trying to arrange a visit with her (and her damn dachshunds) to distract her. I have plenty of room and time for her but she HATES the country. She might visit but I can't see her relocating. So, I guess we'll just take it day by day and hope for the best. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 Update- Thanks, Liz!! I think she stays with him because she doesn't want to be alone. Personally I think she is still in love with my dad. They divorced after 35 years because of all his affairs, totally different drama. Anyhow, she was warned by friends and family not to get involved with this loser but she hates to live alone. In her town there are two sons and one daughter but they are pretty worthless when it come to spending time with her. I get it, they have kids and they are busy but come on guys.....it's mom. My sister and I, who would take care of her live 8 and 11 hours away. Anyhow, she told him he could not come home. He's presently in the hospital because he was so drunk my mom thought he was having a stroke and called 911. She is very depressed and lonely. Sis and I are trying to arrange a visit with her (and her damn dachshunds) to distract her. I have plenty of room and time for her but she HATES the country. She might visit but I can't see her relocating. So, I guess we'll just take it day by day and hope for the best. Ugh. I'm sorry. I am NOT sorry I don't have experience with this....but I did want to say that if she comes with you for a visit, it might give her some perspective. ((®)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 That stinks that she wouldn't relocate. It sounds like a mess :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 20, 2017 Author Share Posted September 20, 2017 I think one of her grandsons might move in with her temporarily. Probably be good for both of them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 I think one of her grandsons might move in with her temporarily. Probably be good for both of them. That might be a great idea. Cheap rent for him and companionship and supervision for her. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 It's understandable that she is looking for companionship. This is always hard for those watching from the "outside." Offering your home and help at least gives her an out and a place of refuge if she needs it. Good for her that she put her foot down and told him he cannot just come home as if nothing happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 I am so glad she told him he couldn't come home. I hope you can convince local family members to make her an active part of their lives. She will need some support and encouragement not to let him come back. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 21, 2017 Author Share Posted September 21, 2017 She's already wavering. One of my sisters and I flatly said that we would not be around him anymore. As in we will not stay at your house when we visit if he is there. (She has this fierce competition with my dad over where out of town family stays. My dad has no idea this is such a huge issue with her) But sis and I have both borne the brunt of his nastiness before and we are done. I hated to give her an ultimatum but I'm not going to tolerate him anymore and you can bet your butt my grandkids aren't going to get near him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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