Launching an Average Kid

[Jazzy]

I wasn't sure how to title this. I would love to hear from those of you who have graduated average kids. My oldest is a junior this year so this is my first time getting ready to launch a child out into the world. I guess I'm having a bit of a freak out moment and looking for reassurance that everything will be okay.

 

Ds is a great kid. Smart, likeable, funny, etc. This summer he worked 30 hrs a week and came home each night to do a couple of hours of PSAT/SAT prep with me. During the school year, he plays on a pretty good basketball team, and that takes up most of his free time. He hangs out with friends here and there. He doesn't complain about much, and the most trouble he ever gives us is not keeping his room clean. So all in all I'd say not bad.

 

However, he's not type A. He's not driven. He doesn't have any passions or lofty goals. I've put together his transcript and compared to a lot of what I've seen, it looks average. Test scores will likely be in the 90th percentile. Grades mostly A's and a few B's. He'll have a few DE courses next year. Some awards in basketball. PT job. Youth group.

 

He's done well in his co-op classes, and his teachers have had nice things to say about him, but I don't foresee any glowing letters of recommendation from them about him being a once-in-a-lifetime kid.

 

I am fine with all of that. He feels good about what he's done and who he is.

 

What makes me nervous is that I'm finally understanding the type of kids he'll be competing for college, jobs, etc. with, and I'm scared that maybe I should have/should be pushing him harder. I talked up college a lot, and now I'm worried that he might not get in. I honestly didn't think it would be difficult to get into and graduate from a state school so I didn't put the pressure on. I think he would have balked at it (that kind of pressure) anyway.

 

Yesterday, I made a comment about his work ethic and he rightly got irritated and I had to apologize. His work ethic is fine. He is who he is. I'm just scared and stressed out in a way that reminds me of when I first started homeschooling him for kindergarten. (If I could go back and shake some sense into myself, I would, lol.) I need to snap out of it.

 

Can anyone relate? Any success stories?

Edited September 8, 2017 by Jazzy

[rdj2027]

I can relate. My current senior has nothing to recommend him other than a decent AP score. His outlook is that of course he will get into his first choice (state school) and if not,he will start at the community college,so what. The issue is that he is interested in Computer Science which is a highly competitive major here because the department is small. I have tried to push over the years to no avail. There is only so much we can do.

[Jazzy]

I can relate. My current senior has nothing to recommend him other than a decent AP score. His outlook is that of course he will get into his first choice (state school) and if not,he will start at the community college,so what. The issue is that he is interested in Computer Science which is a highly competitive major here because the department is small. I have tried to push over the years to no avail. There is only so much we can do.

Yes, this sounds familiar. My oldest seems to think it will all work out whereas I'm not sure it will.

[8filltheheart]

He sounds wonderful. :) He has everything he needs to attend a state school.

 

Honestly, only competitive schools and competitive scholarships require more.

[RootAnn]

First of all, hugs.  :grouphug:  

 

Now, step back a bit. Your kid sounds like a good kid. He's rounded with activities, a sports interest, and academics. From what you wrote, he doesn't sound "average," he sounds like he's great. As and Bs, some DE in his future, and 90% test scores might seem average on the high school board here, but will be above average at some colleges that will be a good fit for him. 

 

You'll want to help him find colleges where his scores and grades put him in the top 25% of the incoming class. (If you need help figuring out how to find those, let us know. There are college search tools & key google phrases to use.) I'm assuming you are not looking at "selective schools" - the ones where even the Nobel Peace Prize Winners with perfect ACT scores only have a dice throw chance of getting in. 

 

It sounds like you and he are doing fine. Enjoy your little (big) person. You'll blink and he'll be leaving for college.  :crying:

[RootAnn]

Adding:  

My oldest is the same grade as your kid, so I don't have a success story to share. But, if you dig back in the high school board archives, you'll find a handful of 'average' (for real - including 50-65% test scores and what would have been Cs if Mom hadn't insisted on mastery of material) kids who have launched successfully. Some of the kids who didn't have much get-up-and-go in high school found their tribe & their motivation in college (or later). I could provide links to old (and new) threads to show what I mean if you like, but rest assured, your wonderful boy isn't doomed.

[8filltheheart]

RootAnn, easy example. My oldest ds didn't do anything other than a part-time job to fund dates with his then girlfriend now wife. He was a Venture Scout. He DE some. His test scores were good, not spectacular.

 

His social life was far more important to him than academics. He still graduated from college cum laude and has a great career as a chemE and is a wonderful daddy of 3.

 

He has a very different personality than my 2 current college kids.

Edited September 8, 2017 by 8FillTheHeart

[GoodGrief]

He sounds like my youngest. I have no advice though, because she is not even in high school yet.

 

Honestly, I suspect she will be my easiest as far as finding her way into a happy life. The Type A high achievers seem to have more complicated paths!

[MerryAtHope]

Do you mean compared to what you've seen on here? Because much of the time, when people are talking on here, their kids are trying to compete to get into very exclusive schools. (That's why the conversations come up, because that kind of application process requires a lot more special attention.)

 

You wrote:

 

"I've put together his transcript and compared to a lot of what I've seen, it looks average. Test scores will likely be in the 90th percentile. Grades mostly A's and a few B's. He'll have a few DE courses next year. Some awards in basketball. PT job. Youth group."

 

This is not average. A student scoring in the 90th percentile on the ACT or SAT and with mostly A's would qualify for at least partial scholarships at many schools. Not "tippy top" schools--but decent schools. 

 

I'd even say--a student who gets mostly A's on top of being involved in a sport AND has work experience (plus he was willing to work on test-prep over his summer break) has healthy ambition and some really desirable skills!

 

Check out what the entrance requirements are for several schools you think you or your son might be interested in. Start with the state schools and branch out. (Many state schools will take kids who are very close to average--about 60th percentile in ACT/SAT scores. The "flagship" state school is usually more particular, but a student in the 90th percentile would still have no trouble. And community colleges will take students regardless and help them become college ready if their scores are too low.)

 

I think your concerns are mainly due to a lack of data on what the "average" college scene is really like. Don't let posts on here scare you! People usually post when a student is doing really well, or when a student has significant needs for one reason or another--in other words, some kind of dilemma to figure out. 

HTH some!

[KarenNC]

Try looking at schools on the College Simply website http://www.collegesimply.com/. In the description of the school under "Admission Chances" they list that a school "usually accepts and attracts" students with a certain average (by letter grade). You can also search for schools based on GPA (using a 4.0 scale). There were 315 listings where a student with a 3.0 (to take a random GPA) would have an average to good chance of getting in. 

[teachermom2834]

He sounds wonderful. :) He has everything he needs to attend a state school.

 

Honestly, only competitive schools and competitive scholarships require more.

This!! I have this kid (senior this year) I have been scolded more than once when I have referred to him as average. He is not average (though I'd love him even if he was). He's not going to a competitive school but he will be attending a state U that I think will be perfect for him. He is excited. I am excited. He had no college application stress or drama. His applications to state universities took a few minutes one afternoon. Create an application account on the university portal, fill out some basic info, send test scores, and transcripts, wait for acceptance. Easy peasy.

 

This kid really would have struggled to find an academic recommender. He has nothing to impress anyone on a scholarship application. But he has a good enough ACT and GPA for decent merit aid and the honors program. He doesn't even need to fuss over essays and scholarship applications because I know he just is not qualified.

 

We ran the application and scholarship gauntlet with oldest two years ago and this kid is so much easier. I will be honest. My "average" kid does have fewer options but the ones he has a good and I do not feel like he is going to be any behind his more academic brother.

[Jazzy]

Adding:

My oldest is the same grade as your kid, so I don't have a success story to share. But, if you dig back in the high school board archives, you'll find a handful of 'average' (for real - including 50-65% test scores and what would have been Cs if Mom hadn't insisted on mastery of material) kids who have launched successfully. Some of the kids who didn't have much get-up-and-go in high school found their tribe & their motivation in college (or later). I could provide links to old (and new) threads to show what I mean if you like, but rest assured, your wonderful boy isn't doomed.

If there are any specific threads you can think of, I'd love to see them.

 

The responses here have already made me feel much better. Thank you all so much!

[J-rap]

I can relate too, but with 90% test scores, your son sounds above average to me!

 

In any event, my dd ended up going to a good private liberal arts college.  It is solid -- been around for a long time and has a good reputation, but at the same time it is not very competitive for students who are in the 80-85% range (or above).  It's a small, inner-city college that seems to attract students who are in the 70-75% range.    

 

So, my dd really stands out there with her slightly above average grades!  She got great scholarships there, and is doing really well.  She is getting all A's!  I can hardly believe it.  Now, I know for a fact that the standards aren't as high there as other schools, and her major is not math or science.  But, she works hard and is dedicated and her teachers notice her.  (She would not have been noticed at a higher caliber school.)  

 

Because teachers notice her, they give her special opportunities.  These are opportunities that will appear on her resume and help her meet people who can help her down the road.  She's a big fish in a very small pond, but that's just fine with her.  She is gaining confidence, and learning how to work harder and study harder because of the positive encouragement and results she has gotten.

 

She'll do just fine.

Edited September 9, 2017 by J-rap

[8filltheheart]

This!! I have this kid (senior this year) I have been scolded more than once when I have referred to him as average. He is not average (though I'd love him even if he was). He's not going to a competitive school but he will be attending a state U that I think will be perfect for him. He is excited. I am excited. He had no college application stress or drama. His applications to state universities took a few minutes one afternoon. Create an application account on the university portal, fill out some basic info, send test scores, and transcripts, wait for acceptance. Easy peasy.

 

This kid really would have struggled to find an academic recommender. He has nothing to impress anyone on a scholarship application. But he has a good enough ACT and GPA for decent merit aid and the honors program. He doesn't even need to fuss over essays and scholarship applications because I know he just is not qualified.

 

We ran the application and scholarship gauntlet with oldest two years ago and this kid is so much easier. I will be honest. My "average" kid does have fewer options but the ones he has a good and I do not feel like he is going to be any behind his more academic brother.

 

This is what it is going to be like with my current 10th grader.  She has already told me she does not want to do what her older siblings have done.  She wants to live at home and commute.  She is an extreme introvert and a homebody.  Personality wise, I think it is a good decision.

[teachermom2834]

Just another thought for the OP- my "average" kid I mentioned above attending a state U with a scholarship was really a late bloomer. At 15, I really questioned whether he would attend college at all. As a senior he is taking all de classes and juggling two part time jobs and still participating at church and helping the family, (and he has a girlfriend). He has a good balance and good time management skills and I think a realistic perspective on life.

 

But, his added maturity does make him recognize that he could have done things better in high school. He could have pushed himself harder, participated in more, taken advantage of opportunities that he was just "too cool" for, etc. He is looking forward to starting fresh in college. He says he intends to jump in and join things and push himself (he wants to do the honors program which his 15 yo self would have seen as pointless).

 

Just a reminder that they grow and change. Yours might not and that is ok. I actually won't be surprised if my average kid ends up not wanting to participate in things to the extent he says he will and that will be just fine too.

 

Sometimes it is hard to see how they will transition to adult life but they still have so much time to grow and change and find their way. Personally from what I have seen from teen boys in my community the fact that yours is able to work, and play basketball, and handle school has him way ahead of the pack.

[Guest]

I'm trying to figure out in which universe 90th percentile and all A's and B's is average.

Edited September 9, 2017 by Kinsa

[teachermom2834]

I'm trying to figure out in which universe 90th petcentile and all A's and B's is average.

A fair reminder but hanging out on TWTM high school/ college boards as well as living in a highly competitive school district skewed my perspective for sure for a while. I understand where the OP is coming from.

[Haiku]

I'm trying to figure out in which universe 90th percentile and all A's and B's is average.

 

I rarely visit TWTM anymore, and this is exactly why.  :rolleyes:

[elegantlion]

This is what it is going to be like with my current 10th grader.  She has already told me she does not want to do what her older siblings have done.  She wants to live at home and commute.  She is an extreme introvert and a homebody.  Personality wise, I think it is a good decision.

 

This is similar to my ds, his driving force for living at home is avoidance of debt. He's at a small regional state school, his high school GPA with ACT score earned him a renewable scholarship. He's changed his intended major once and is starting to find his niche. He's very introverted as well. He's also the type of person who needs to move into the adult world in stages. Living at home is helpful in that regard, I doubt he would have done as well in the school life balance by moving away to attend school. 

[maize]

Test scores in the 90th percentile is not average.

[skimomma]

I'm trying to figure out in which universe 90th percentile and all A's and B's is average.

 

Me too!

 

My only is in 9th grade so far from launching but the OP's ds sounds just like my dd.  I do not consider her "average" and aside from when I have been reading on here too much, I am not at all worried about her future.  There is a place for most student, even truly "average" ones.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My first son is profoundly gifted, making my second born look like an average but capable plodder (he definitely has his own other strengths, of course, I sm specifically speaking of academic ambition). But like the OPs child, he's an A-/B+ student who scored well on the ACT.

 

He was headed into skilled trades and had been accepted into a union apprenticeship, but at the very last minute this summer, he decided to go to college. He picked a local school to which he had been forced (by me) to apply last fall, and had been accepted. Between merit scholarships and a couple of grants, he is going for free. Here at the end of week two, he is leading most of his classes! He's been astounded at the feedback from his professors. He's more than fine in college, he's doing very well.

 

He never was average. He was just the brother of a far, far, far outlier. I should have done more to get him around ambitious, achieving students when he was in high school, but we don't have a good school here and I couldn't come up with the money for private school...so he's been a little delayed in figuring out exactly how capable he is. He gained this self esteem through vocational classes (welding), jobs, and community service. But he's only just now started to believe that he has the ability to excel academically, too.

 

OP, what everyone is saying is true. Your kid is not average. There are many very good school options with very good scholarships and opportunities. If he thinks he's average, too, it's time for everyone to start believing in him so he can believing in himself.

Edited September 9, 2017 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Jazzy]

A fair reminder but hanging out on TWTM high school/ college boards as well as living in a highly competitive school district skewed my perspective for sure for a while. I understand where the OP is coming from.

I guess maybe my perspective has been skewed a bit. I don't ask questions about academics when I'm with the parents of teens I know irl, so all I have to go by is what I read when I lurk here and in the College Confidential forum. And those kids have stats and EC's that go way beyond anything my 16 yo is doing.

 

I honestly teared up after reading the responses to this thread last night, just feeling relief that I maybe I haven't let ds down and ruined everything.

 

I am very overwhelmed trying to figure out all of this college stuff and where he might get into and what we can afford. When I look at him, I see a great kid who is off to a great start, but when I put everything on paper and compare it to everything else I'm seeing, it just looks like... not good enough...

 

I can sense the stress getting to me, and I can sense him getting irritated. It reminds me so much of sitting him down as a 5 yo trying to force him through kindergarten workbooks that I know I need to dial it way back. Now, taking my 5th child through kindergarten, I know better. So I'm trying to learn from the mistakes I made back then and not put us through a lot of stress unnecessarily. I guess I just need to hear from people who have btdt that its all going to be okay.

[Jazzy]

My first son is profoundly gifted, making my second born look like an average but capable plodder (he definitely has his own other strengths, of course, I sm specifically speaking of academic ambition). But like the OPs child, he's an A-/B+ student who scored well on the ACT.

 

He was headed into skilled trades and had been accepted into a union apprenticeship, but at the very last minute this summer, he decided to go to college. He picked a local school to which he had been forced (by me) to apply last fall, and had been accepted. Between merit scholarships and a couple of grants, he is going for free. Here at the end of week two, he is leading most of his classes! He's been astounded at the feedback from his professors. He's more than fine in college, he's doing very well.

 

He never was average. He was just the brother of a far, far, far outlier. I should have done more to get him around ambitious, achieving students when he was in high school, but we don't have a good school here and I couldn't come up with the money for private school...so he's been a little delayed in figuring out exactly how capable he is. He gained this self esteem through vocational classes (welding), jobs, and community service. But he's only just now started to believe that he has the ability to excel academically, too.

 

OP, what everyone is saying is true. Your kid is not average. There are many very good school options with very good scholarships and opportunities. If he thinks he's average, too, it's time for everyone to start believing in him so he can believing in himself.

I do believe in him. And I think he feels fine about himself when I'm not yapping in his ear.

 

I think my belief in him is what makes me feel I should have/should be pushing him harder. How do I help him launch without stressing everyone out and frustrating him?

[katilac]

My three siblings were all average students (at best, lol). 

 

None of them went on to college. 

 

All of them were much more stereotypically successful in the working world than me, including more advanced job positions and much better pay. 

 

Being a competitive high school senior is not the only path to success. 

[mirabillis]

I guess maybe my perspective has been skewed a bit. I don't ask questions about academics when I'm with the parents of teens I know irl, so all I have to go by is what I read when I lurk here and in the College Confidential forum. And those kids have stats and EC's that go way beyond anything my 16 yo is doing.

 

 

My perspective has been skewed here as well. I just assumed everyone naturally got a bazillion 5's on every AP exam they ever take and perfect 800's on every SAT subject test taken. My 15 yo is inherently really bright, so naturally I thought we were just like everyone else. Until we weren't.... ;)

 

It sounds like you've raised a wonderful boy who is happy and confident with himself - and who sounds so far above average, you have nothing to worry about. Perhaps not pushing him harder was a good decision, as it sounds like you've nurtured a truly wonderful being who is happy, with a good relationship with you, and who has so much going for him. Keep the faith!! You've done well! 

[MerryAtHope]

I do believe in him. And I think he feels fine about himself when I'm not yapping in his ear.

 

I think my belief in him is what makes me feel I should have/should be pushing him harder. How do I help him launch without stressing everyone out and frustrating him?

 

Step by step and don't try to force him into a mold he doesn't fit into. Don't compare him to other kids. He's a bright kid with a great future ahead of him. Let him figure out what that is. Help him along the way with goals he's interested in. Broaden his horizons when necessary. Walk along side him :-). Pray often!

[Another Lynn]

I rarely visit TWTM anymore, and this is exactly why.  :rolleyes:

 

:seeya:   But it's nice to see you.  You should come more often!  

[regentrude]

 

 

I've put together his transcript and compared to a lot of what I've seen, it looks average. Test scores will likely be in the 90th percentile. Grades mostly A's and a few B's. He'll have a few DE courses next year. Some awards in basketball. PT job. Youth group.

...

What makes me nervous is that I'm finally understanding the type of kids he'll be competing for college, jobs, etc. with, and I'm scared that maybe I should have/should be pushing him harder. I talked up college a lot, and now I'm worried that he might not get in. 

 

What you describe is not an "average" student. It is a strong student, just not an ambitious academic overachiever. 

There is no issue with such a student getting into college, unless he is aiming for highly selective schools. I would encourage you to look up the test score ranges and admissions rates for the public unis in your state to get a more realistic picture and alleviate your fears. 

 

Do not read on College Confidential! That is for high achieving students aiming for top selective schools. There are hundreds of universities that accept what you call "average", but what in reality is a strong, well prepared, student.

 

 

[catz]

Some competitive kids work their tails off for that 90%.  I don't think your kid sounds average at all.  Your kid may never be the highly motivated, driven type.  But that said, I think some kids and especially kids that can coast pretty easily might get their motivation mojo and focus later than others. 

 

My oldest is a high achiever.  Not competitive.  Not super focused goal oriented.  He just came up with a direction for college this summer as an incoming junior and is still waffling on that, but at least we have an idea of what kind of schools to look at.  But this weekend I caught him working on his CC colleges classes without prompting and doing an excellent job.   He has excellent test scores and has always been ahead in academics.  But not a natural hoop jumper and stays in his own lane.  Doesn't care what other people are doing or how hard they are working.

 

There are many roads to adulthood.  I'm pretty sure a 90th percentile kid can find a meaningful college experience if he wants that without much problem. 

[catz]

 

Do not read on College Confidential! That is for high achieving students aiming for top selective schools. There are hundreds of universities that accept what you call "average", but what in reality is a strong, well prepared, student.

:iagree:   That board is the craziest thing I've ever read.  And I have a kid that could apply to ivies if he wanted to.  Everyone's kid is 99%+, super driven, and they seem to have unlimited college funds.  If you search the board for less competitive colleges, you can find more realistic posts there. 

[Haiku]

:seeya:   But it's nice to see you.  You should come more often!  

 

Thanks, but every time I come back, I'm reminded that I'm pretty much on a completely different plane than most of the people here.

[Zoo Keeper]

Thanks, but every time I come back, I'm reminded that I'm pretty much on a completely different plane than most of the people here.

 

Not everyone....I miss your voice of reason. :)

 

Good to see you, anyway. :001_cool:

[JanetC]

By your definition of average, that was my first child.

 

She finished with a 3.8 GPA. She started dual enrollment junior year with a light schedule and worked up to full time by last term of senior year. Her PSAT was not close to national merit, but her SAT score was nice. I definitely tutored her to improve on her strengths. This kid had been a bookworm since a young age and I felt that with some coaching her reading section score could move way up and they did. Good test scores open up scholarship options, so even when a perfect score is unrealistic, make sure your child is working up to their potential.

 

She is attending a midwest liberal arts college with a half-tuition scholarship, majoring in French and Studio Art. She is active in a couple clubs, works in campus food service, and plans to study abroad next year.

 

I would not call her "average." She's a smart, hardworking kid with a parent who cares about her education.

 

Like Haiku, I definitely felt she wasn't as smart as everyone on the internet. However, this is a community of parents who care about their children's educations. Even if my kid wasn't making perfect grades, I wanted to choose good materials and see what kind of challenges others were facing. Over time, the board definitely goes in "waves" of kids who are superstars and waves of families who are comfortable pulling back the curtain on their own individual struggles.

 

It will be OK. There is a place for your son. As the parent of a junior, your job is to

 

1. Try to finish testing. Having an SAT or ACT score you're satisfied with and not having to test in fall of senior year makes things easier. Aim to have a peak test score in the early spring test date, and have the June test date as a fallback plan.

 

2. Keep working on your transcript, course descriptions, and school profile.

 

3. Start building a list of colleges to apply to. The more you know about your test scores, budget, major, and student preferences for small-medium-large campuses, the easier it is to narrow down a list. Take the summer to wait for final test scores, visit different types of campuses, and so on. The final narrowing down can wait until end of junior summer or fall of senior year. My list of college search engines is pinned at the top of the College Board.

Edited September 14, 2017 by JanetC

[omd21]

I agree with everyone else that your son doesn't sound average.

 

I emigrated to the U.S. from a non English speaking country. When I took the SAT I had only been here for 2 years; I think I had just finished ESL. My score was REALLY average, probably in the 50 to 60% of students.

 

I was still accepted to a state university and a community college. I chose to attend the cc, maintained a 4.0 GPA, and two years later I applied as a transfer to a top 30 private university and was accepted with a scholarship.

 

My entire family of immigrants attended the non-flagship, local state university and they became happy, successful accountants, police officers, financial advisors, and one doctor! LOL None of them had a 4.0 or high SAT scores. In fact, my two younger male cousins (the police officer with a Masters in Law Enforcement and the financial advisor with a Masters) had around 2.8 averages in high school and medium test scores. They are now great in their fields, married with kids, own their homes. The boys in my family get their drive once they get to college.

 

Success has many definitions and it doesn't require getting into a top school. My DD has been talking about going to a selective school since she was around 6, but honestly, I worry about the competitive environment in such schools. I'm helping her accomplish her goals because they are her goals, but I would be perfectly happy if she attended our state school.

 

Edited September 14, 2017 by omd21

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited September 21, 2017 by lllllll

[Another Lynn]

Thanks, but every time I come back, I'm reminded that I'm pretty much on a completely different plane than most of the people here.

 

 

Not everyone....I miss your voice of reason. :)

 

Good to see you, anyway. :001_cool:

 

 

Yes!  This!