People that are not sympathetic

[Elizabeth86]

Do you have a close person in your life that does not know how to be sympathetic at all. How do you cope?

[TravelingChris]

I would never tell them anything that needed sympathies.  What time is the movie- fine.  What do you think about that horrible hurricane Harvey- not fine.  I don't have anyone like this in my life but I think this is what I would do. 

[Elizabeth86]

I would never tell them anything that needed sympathies. What time is the movie- fine. What do you think about that horrible hurricane Harvey- not fine. I don't have anyone like this in my life but I think this is what I would do.

lol, yeah it is kind of hard when you are married to them

[Elizabeth86]

Oh! I didn't realize you were married to this person! Well, that's a different ballgame. I'd tell him to either be more sympathetic or fake it well. Or else I won't be very sympathetic when he's needy... for other things.

Yeah, lol. This man cannot will not fake anything. Honesty spews from his mouth. He cannot be fake if he tried and it sucks.

[regentrude]

Yeah, lol. This man cannot will not fake anything. Honesty spews from his mouth. He cannot be fake if he tried and it sucks.

 

I assume he is not a jerk, but simply a person who responds rationally and not emotionally? A person who, when confronted with a problem, is searching for a solution?

In that case, I found it helpful to tell him directly what you need from him. When you have an issue and complain and are looking for sympathy as opposed to a fix, tell him "I don't need you to suggest a way to solve this problem. I need you to tell me "poor Elizabeth"!"

 

Yes, you can train men.

 

ETA: I don't know the OP's DH, but from my experience this could be a very thoughtful, caring person who, for himself, does not see what purpose sympathy could possibly serve, since it does not solve the problem. His own coping mechanisms may be completely different. He may also be introverted and not process his feelings by talking, but rather by solitary thinking. He may need explicit instruction how another human might process by talking, venting, and who will feel better when given sympathy.

Edited September 6, 2017 by regentrude

[mathmarm]

Does he care that you find his manners off-putting? If so, perhaps he will be willing to put forth the time and energy to learn a "script" to move the conversation along, and then you need to find someone else to sympathize with. Do you have any peers from work, book club, church, kids events, etc that you can have heart-felt chats with?

 

You need to learn to vent to him succinctly and noncommitally and accept him saying things like:

 

"Geez, that sucks honey. Sorry that you had to put up with that."

"Yes, I agree, that's terrible. I can tell this bothers you and I can see why."

"Wow, that's awful. Is there any thing that you (or we) can do to actually change things? If so, what?"

 

as his honest attempt at scratching your conversational itch and then you both agreeably move the conversation along to something that he can/will/does care about.

[Guest]

I do. They're more of a fixer personality type than a shoulder to cry on. So I selectively vent to them about things in need of actual solutions and save my emotional empathic junk for other trusted people in my life.

[marbel]

If he is a fixer, what looks like sympathy to him won't look like it to someone else.  

 

But anyway, I would look for opportunities when your husband is looking for sympathy from you and use them as sort of "teaching moments."  Show him the sympathy he wants/needs, and point out that what you are doing for him is the sort of thing you'd like him to do for you.   Does he ever look for sympathy?  When he is sick, for example?  

 

Sometimes I will tell my husband (who is a fixer) "I have to talk about this. There is nothing you can do to fix it. I just need you to listen to me and hold my hand."   And he will do that.   

[heartlikealion]

I do. They're more of a fixer personality type than a shoulder to cry on. So I selectively vent to them about things in need of actual solutions and save my emotional empathic junk for other trusted people in my life.

 

I think many people fit this fixer personality. I've heard this about men, in particular, but I don't know how accurate that is.

 

My sisters can sometimes be like this. I think I can be like this at times. Dh views me as taking everyone else's side if I ask/point out certain things. You know it can be as small as, "the bagger was a jerk" and me saying, "oh yeah? Hm. Did you have a lot of items that had be be bagged separately?" or whatever. Then I'm the bad guy. I guess I want a bigger picture of what happened, even if the guy was a jerk lol. And we don't usually shop where there are baggers, I was just throwing out an example.

 

One sibling is very much, "well my friends/I know people that deal with XYZ. At least you don't have to worry about that" or "they deal with it and it's not that big of an issue." lol.

 

[Elizabeth86]

For those that are asking. He is completely aware of how he is. He shows emotion about extreme things like when his brother died or his friends little girl with cancer, but he admits he generally has no empathy for people. He has a suck it up, life is hard, you'll survive, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger attutude. No, he never looks for sympathy. His parents never really ever felt sorry for him growing up either.

[Tanaqui]

If you post something here and don't want to get helpful advice (or "helpful" advice!), you say JAWM.

 

Why not do that with your husband? Sit him down at some point other than when you need sympathy and tell him your needs:

 

"Ichabod, sometimes I want to talk about something that upsets me. I like to talk to you, because you're my husband and you love me, but you seem to think I want advice. When you give me advice at times like that, when I just wanted to vent, it makes me feel bad*. I need you to promise that you won't give advice unless I ask for it. If I don't ask for advice, and I don't say yes when you ask if I want advice, then I need you to just say something like 'Wow, that sounds really upsetting'."

 

And then if he tries to rebut, say something like

 

"I know you mean well, but this is what I need you to do."

 

Don't vary your phrasing. Keep the point on what you need him to do.

 

* You can be more specific here, but I'd advise against it. You want to keep the focus on how you feel. If you say something like "It makes me feel judged", then dollars to donuts, he'll go "I'm not judging you" and before you know it, you'll be talking about whether or not he's a judgmental person rather than what you need him to do. Don't fall into this trap! Do not, under any circumstances, let the conversation loop into a discussion of his motivations or whether or not he's a good husband or anything that could possibly be construed as moving in that direction.

[GoodGrief]

I appreciate that sort of personality, because I have so many people in my life that tend toward (true) anxiety and get extremely emotional over small things, or have a tendency to make my (or that of others) personal crisis their own. So for me, it is refreshing to be around someone who rarely functions on an emotional level. I think I probably tend somewhat to that sort of response myself, again, because I have this history of needing to talk very anxious people down.

 

But everyone has different needs, and it sounds like you need a more sympathetic ear. You've received some great suggestions above. I hope your husband is open to learning a different sort of support.

[forty-two]

So neither dh nor I are very sympathetic :shifty. Mostly that means we mesh well, but sometimes even unsympathetic me would like more sympathy than he tends to offer (and vice versa). (And I apologize in advance for the probable lack of sympathy in this post ;).)

 

Yeah, lol. This man cannot will not fake anything. Honesty spews from his mouth. He cannot be fake if he tried and it sucks.

My dh is like this - I actually think it is one of his better qualities - I *know* I can trust whatever comes out of his mouth, and that is invaluable. It doesn't make for effusive compliments ;), but the ones he does give I know he means 100%. I can be kind of pushy sometimes, and I appreciate knowing that I can't push him into saying anything he doesn't mean - I can trust that he means everything he says.

 

(What *is* annoying is that he will sometimes refuse to say what I want to hear *even when he actually really and truly agrees with me*.)

 

I will say that a lot of dh's and my's lack-of-sympathy isn't because we don't *feel* sympathy, but is because we suck in knowing how to *show* sympathy. I tend to channel my sympathy feelings into trying to fix the problem, which isn't always appreciated. (I took to asking dh when he vented if he was looking for a solution or just wanted sympathy.). In those situations, where we *feel* sympathy but don't know how to show it, it helps to have someone give us very concrete directions on what to do.

 

But it sounds like you are also talking about situations where you dh *doesn't* feel sympathetic when you could use some sympathy. And I admit, neither dh nor I do well showing sympathy in those situations, where we don't think the facts on the ground merit sympathy - feels like lying, to express sympathy when sympathy isn't warranted. So I totally get you dh there (urm, so, sorry for the lack of sympathy :grouphug:).

 

Idk, when dh isn't sympathetic because he doesn't think the facts on the ground merit a sympathetic response (usually wrt a third party), I usually deal with it by arguing that the facts on the ground *do* merit a sympathetic response. Over time, it's expanded his ability (and mine as well) to genuinely feel sympathy in a wider range of situations. (Honestly, majorly failing on my part, repeatedly, increased my ability to sympathize with people who are contributing to their own problems; and dh's work with addicts, and realizing he was similar to them in many respects wrt repeatedly failing to change, increased his.) I still have a very hard time sympathizing with people who are contributing to their own problems but refuse to recognize it or have it pointed out to them. But I am trying to recognize that not all times are good times to have that pointed out to one - in the middle of disaster that you need to solve is probably not the best time.

 

Aka, what has helped dh and I show more sympathy in more situations, is to learn how sympathy can genuinely help the people involved, even if the situation is one of their own making. Aka, how to show sympathy to the *person* without necessarily agreeing with their view of the situation, and how to do so without feeling like I am lying by omission. Aka, not to learn to fake sympathy or to be more willing to lie, but to learn how to *honestly* see a genuine place and purpose for sympathy in more circumstances.

Edited September 6, 2017 by forty-two

[forty-two]

My sisters can sometimes be like this. I think I can be like this at times. Dh views me as taking everyone else's side if I ask/point out certain things. You know it can be as small as, "the bagger was a jerk" and me saying, "oh yeah? Hm. Did you have a lot of items that had be be bagged separately?" or whatever. Then I'm the bad guy. I guess I want a bigger picture of what happened, even if the guy was a jerk lol. And we don't usually shop where there are baggers, I was just throwing out an example.

Yeah, I don't do very well with venting that assumes negative intent - I immediately go into devil's advocate mode, and offer potential defenses of the assumed-to-be-jerky bagger.

 

Honestly, I do believe I have a duty to explain everything in the kindest way (without contradicting the facts on the ground), and I don't want to be a party to venting that assumes negative intent. But it would probably behoove me to learn how to express sympathy to the difficult situation experienced by the venter - it *is* true that they had a difficult time - while also kindly offering a different view wrt the "jerky" people involved. You know, offer positive intent to the *venter* as well as the maybe-slandered "jerky" person ;).

[SKL]

I have a very good friend.  She believes she is sympathetic and caring.  But her way of showing it is to tell you why you suck, so you can learn how to be better.  Otherwise known as kicking you while you're down.

 

How I deal with it?  I really try not to tell her anything that I would feel vulnerable about.  Sometimes this is not possible, so at those times, I just try to tell her as clearly as possible that her "help" is really very hurtful and I need it to stop.  This also does not work so well - how hurtful of me to express hurt.  So then I apply the "agree, agree, and they will eventually shut up" method.

[lllll]

For those that are asking. He is completely aware of how he is. He shows emotion about extreme things like when his brother died or his friends little girl with cancer, but he admits he generally has no empathy for people. He has a suck it up, life is hard, you'll survive, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger attutude. No, he never looks for sympathy. His parents never really ever felt sorry for him growing up either.

 

My dh is like this.  I can see where it came from in his family  Both parents grew up poor, especially his mother.  I think dh had this drilled into him from a very young age.  They all seem to think it shows some kind of weakness to be otherwise.  

 

How do I cope?  I whine and complain whenever the heck I feel like it and expect him to sit and listen.  He doesn't have to say anything.  Just listen.  ;)  He's learned how to do that over the decades.   :001_rolleyes:  

[gardenmom5]

when 1ds graduated from high school, he took a job doing tier 3 tech support. . . he was repeatedly dinged for "not being sympathetic.". (truly - he is an engineer.  yesterday, he was salivating looking at all the very manual hydraulics/cables/wires exposed by ripping away the ceiling in the "city of everett" - the very first 747 off the production line.)

 

he's only recently brought it up - as he just wants to get on with solving the problem.  women tend to want commiseration more than problem solving.   we've spoken a bit about it - encouraging him to at least say "i'm sorry, let's fix it."   or "that sucks, let's fix it."  to acknowledge the frustration.  he's having to learn with his gf - as her mother is dying, and expected to die any day.  (though she's been able to make peace with her mom while she could still communicate).   In may, the drs gave her a year.  (hurricane Irma won't help.  they're in FL.)  - and she has a number of health problems herself.

 

dh's is much the same.  - though 1ds is a MUCH better teacher, more patient about showing how to do something.

[regentrude]

dh's is much the same.  - though 1ds is a MUCH better teacher, more patient about showing how to do something.

 

I observed that being a very good teacher is not necessarily related to generally being sympathetic.

Teaching a complicated concept is a problem to solve. Being patient, finding new way to explain, etc are tools to solve the problem and not an expression of being sympathetic. The teacher may not have sympathy for the student who does not get it, but may work hard to solve the problem :)

[gardenmom5]

I observed that being a very good teacher is not necessarily related to generally being sympathetic.

Teaching a complicated concept is a problem to solve. Being patient, finding new way to explain, etc are tools to solve the problem and not an expression of being sympathetic. The teacher may not have sympathy for the student who does not get it, but may work hard to solve the problem :)

 

i never said sympathetic and teaching were related.   I'm sorry if I left that impression.

1ds is patient, which is what makes him a good teacher - he's not overly sympathetic.   dh is neither.  

[MotherGoose]

lol, yeah it is kind of hard when you are married to them

What does he do? My dh goes right into fix it mode when I discuss a problem when what I really want is for him to listen and to be sympathetic. I have explicitly told him I don't need him to fix this problem just to listen and be sympathetic.

[EMS83]

Yeah, lol. This man cannot will not fake anything. Honesty spews from his mouth. He cannot be fake if he tried and it sucks.

 

I'm sorry.   :grouphug:

 

I decided a long time ago that I'd prefer either honest sympathy and compassion or none.  Most of the time, it's none, or not quite what I'd like.  But then, that works both ways, and I'm glad not to get huffed at, so I try to return the favor and succeed 99% of the time (I think).  It is...lonely? or something, sometimes, though.  He has learned that sometimes it's better just not to say stuff if it's going to be rude, though (and usually succeeds).  I don't know what it means, though, or if I'm wanting too much.  So it is what it is.  :)

[Carol in Cal.]

Ugh.  I have a relative who is utterly unsympathetic to her chosen family 'enemy of the month/year/decade'.  Ironically, her main way of interacting is to complain about her life, and she hates having solutions or help offered, just wants sympathy, but then she complains to others (untruthfully) that she doesn't have any help.  After years of this, I kind of detached.  It's a cautionary example for sure--I would hate to be that miserable.

[KungFuPanda]

I assume that empathy isn't a trait you require in a husband or you would have married someone else. I find that people are specialists. I have different people for different things. I have a friend to go to if I want to rant. She'll rant with me. Another if I want to be talked off a ledge and not rant. I call her "the voice of reason." DH is better for hashing out a plan to fix the problem. He's not rude if I'm sad or upset, but he's not really equipped to be the support team if I were the type who needed to wallow in my own misery. I don't ask that of anyone, really, and would have a different husband if I needed that.

 

I think you have to compartmentalize. It's too much pressure to expect one person to meet all of your social and emotional needs unless you have a pretty narrow emotional range. Knowing what your audience can handle is very important if you want a satisfying conversation