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S/O: Would you trust your spouse to buy a house


DawnM
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No. He gets sucked in by things like staging and fresh paint (and the paint color), and isn't able to see the "bones" of a place well. He didn't want to rent the place we are currently in because it was "too dark." The place was empty when we saw it first, with just a floor lamp in the room. And we came to see it at night. He likes it now that we have lamps in the room.

 

So I'd be worried that he would pass on a good place, just because the staging wasn't right, and instead settle for a place that was too small (or in an inconvenient area, or otherwise not right), just because of the decor or furniture (neither of which would be expected to come with the place). 

 

 

Edited by Dust
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My dad picked out the house I lived in my whole childhood while my mom was sick in bed.  Actually, the house was not 'featured' - it was being sold as land with a 'structure' on it. LOL.  He said they could build a new house somewhere else on the property, but mom was so desperate to get out of a second floor apartment with an active toddler and a cranky neighbor downstairs, that she decided she couldn't wait and we just moved in.  It was hundreds (plural) of years old, with a dirt basement, an antique kitchen, only two bedrooms (there were two of us kids, opposite sexes), and the only bathroom was in a converted hallway that used to connect to a shed, with only a shower stall.  There was also still an old outhouse in rickety tacked-on shed.  My dad redid the kitchen himself and also converted a sun porch to a bedroom for me.    They lived there about 30 years.

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Yup I would. And Am, actually. My boyfriend is searching for a house for us in his country. Our likes are close enough that he'll pick something I am probably going to like too. 

 

We did discuss things like bedrooms and such. He was thinking fewer than I was but after I explained my reasoning, he agreed with me. 

 

I do expect he'll probably send me the online listing when he finds something. But knowing him? He might just surprise me too. 

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Haha. No way. It's not about trust or any comment on our relationship. Dh just doesn't see or understand spaces, homes, home repair, or a million other things like that. It's just not how he operates. If he were unmarried and alone, I would still think he should get someone else to make the call with him on choosing a home.

 

I trust him to make many other decisions without me. Just not that.

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This should never even come up in the age of FaceTime, GoPro, Skype, and Facebook Live. It's too easy to almost be there to buy a house sight unseen or to even rely on photos or videos where you have no input into where he's pointing the camera. My DH rarely sees the inside of an office and most of his meetings happen over the computer. I'd insist on the same technology if he was househunting without me.

 

 

I don't care how much technology there is, the answer is still no. I need to physically be in the place we're buying. When we suddenly had to move a few months ago, one of the apartments we looked at smelled like cat piss. Like, I almost had to throw up. The realtor said that the smell was because she had just dragged the carpet out of the apartment below it a few minutes earlier. DW believed her that it would not be a big deal. From everything I've ever read though, cat piss is a smell that stays no matter what you do, and is especially noticeable in wet weather. So, I'm definitely going to have to smell any potential place. 

 

Now, realistically, DW was only willing to consider that place since we'd be homeless in less than 2 weeks at that point, and it'd be a rental, not a purchase, but still. I refuse to buy a place without physically visiting it. If we're moving cross country or to another continent, we can rent first, or we could take turns flying out there (having the other stay home with the kids if all 4 of us flying out is too expensive), but I'm not spending $$$$$$ on something I haven't physically seen. 

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Whenever we bought a house we had specific requirements. As in within a 2km distance of his work, grocery store, park, and hopefully library, recreation center. 

 

Also considering are price range that would only usually leave 2 houses. So it wasn't as if I was ever choosing from a wide range when house shopping without him. 

 

The first time I picked out a house without him it was after sometime looking at it was the first that fit our requirements. The second time I got to choose between 2 houses. I choose the one without the cracked and sinking foundation. 

 

 

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No. Not ever. DH is in love with the idea of a fixer-upper on lots of land, with neither the time nor the money to maintain land or house. He is not practical, does not notice details or care much about aesthetics and has only a hazy idea of my needs or the kids'. Guess what I trusted him with doing and what he wound up buying 18 months ago? Until then I'd had no reason to suspect that we weren't on the same page, or how little he understood his own limitations or his family's. Yes, our marriage has suffered as a result. Yes, my trust in him has suffered as a result. 

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I would, but mainly because he is so knowledgeable about the "bones and guts" of a house. I would NOT, NO WAY, NEVER buy one without his having looked at it, because I would totally be like, "Look at this pretty sink!" and fail to notice a giant crack in the ceiling.

 

I grant you, I would not prefer this, but if it were for some readon necessary, like only he could travel and we were looking far away, then yeah, I could trust him to get a house that is totally sound, even if it would possibly have an ugly sink.

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I can't imagine such a scenario, except maybe something like Dh got a winning lottery ticket and used a small portion of the total funds to buy me a new place as a surprise gift.

 

Generally, he prefers to say he wants to leave these kinds of decisions to me, and then when I decide, he finally realizes that he kind of preferred something else, but no so much that he wanted to actually make the choice.

 

He would never forgive me for doing the paperwork work without him, as he is an attorney with a real estate broker's license, and he has seen too much to not get super involved with that part.

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Yes DH bought our current home while I was still in another state.  It was for sure the same one I would have picked given our limited options then.  I would have no problems letting him pick again I'm pretty easy to please and he knows my wants and "no goes" well.

Edited by rebcoola
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yes, but I don't really care much what our house looks like, so it wouldn't be particularly high stakes for me. I guess we'd have a conversation first about what I thought was important if we could, but otherwise, I'm pretty flexible and could roll with pretty much anything he came up with.

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Not my particular husband.  We are a good team, but he doesn't have a visual sense like I do, and it does not occur to him to consider whether a place would be pleasant to look around in EVER.  He is the kind of guy who would cut a hole in a ceiling to put a fan in, because of comfort, and then not be able to find a fan for years, and not care that this makes the whole room look horrible. 

 

We are both tuned in to maintenance issues, but not exactly the same ones, so it's good for us both to see things--we notice different things about them.

 

I would add--a video wouldn't work for me, because a lot of what I 'see' that he doesn't is whether proportions are good or not, and that doesn't come through reliably in a video.

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Yes, because he has excellent taste and is even pickier than I am. He also knows my taste and because we have shopped together for houses as recently as last year, he knows pretty specifically what I'm looking for.

 

I would hope to be involved in the negotiations, though, because he would probably be willing to pay a higher price than I would.

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Yes, because we already did that when I was pregnant and on bed rest. He also renovated it without my ever seeing it although I did get to look at paint chips etc occasionally. I was familiar with the basic house because we lived in the same neighbourhood at the time but not that particular house. It's actually my favourite of the houses we have lived in because it was really convenient in design. He did a great job with some really extensive renovation.

 

By the way I didn't get to go in until right before dd was born to supervise the nursery set up!

Edited by mumto2
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Yes, because we have quite similar tastes, and he can build, fix, or remodel jus about anything, so I would completely trust his assessment. The only thing that would give me pause is allowing him to handle the financial aspect alone, as I normally handle all finances, and he is not one to bargain or go for the best price. But picking it out, absolutely.

 

I actually cried when we agreed to buy our current house because all of the long term work seemed so overwhelming, even though nothing actually needed to be done in order to move in. But my husband convinced me and it's proven to be one of the best decisions we've ever made in every way. I love, love, love our location and it has a major positive impact on our lives.

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My dad bought houses without my mom. Not out of necessity just because he likes the element of surprise. The last condo he bought he drove her by it and asked her how she liked it. She said it looked nice. He said "Good. Because I bought it."

 

He always just showed up with new cars too. No discussion. Money was tight so it wasn't like they had it throw around. It is just the way they operated. My marriage is quite different!

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I was thinking no, but he has pretty much had the say in the last 3 homes we bought for what seemed like legitimate reasons at the time. I was very far away and had picked out  online houses for him to look at in person. He found a better one across the road from the one I found (because it wasn't listed yet). The other two home purchases had to do with high pressure from his parents.

Right now we are renting but if we are to buy again I don't know what will happen because I do not have my heart set on staying in here and he does. 

 

Yes, we're not wealthy enough to live in separate locations and visit each other on weekends.

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Yep, because he knows what I like/don't like and he's very unselfish, likes to make me happy.  I think the only place I'd have issue with is property/location.  He wants something "manageable" and I want a farm(or at least an acre or two!), also he's not worried as I am about the neighborhood "look".  I want a vintage house in a vintage neighborhood on a quiet street, he keeps sending me listings that while vintage are often in transition neighborhoods with either newer, badly built houses or commercial as the neighbors.   

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Yes, I have. but then I had no choice :P Financially/logistically it just wasn't possible for me to travel up for house hunting more than once. We did facetime so I 'saw' the house but had no clue where it was in relation to other things or details.

 

It's interesting driving up to a house for the first time 2 hours before closing. But you do what you've got to do. It's not been great but not awful either. The house is fine, we've cleaned it up a lot. Location still stinks but we didn't have any great options closer to town anyway so I don't feel like it was a bad choice.

 

I figure if you trust a spouse enough to marry them surely they can be trusted to make even major decisions for the family independently in need.

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I was thinking no, but he has pretty much had the say in the last 3 homes we bought for what seemed like legitimate reasons at the time. I was very far away and had picked out  online houses for him to look at in person. He found a better one across the road from the one I found (because it wasn't listed yet). The other two home purchases had to do with high pressure from his parents.

Right now we are renting but if we are to buy again I don't know what will happen because I do not have my heart set on staying in here and he does. 

 

Yes, we're not wealthy enough to live in separate locations and visit each other on weekends.

 

 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

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It's not that I don't trust that my DH has our family's best interests at heart.  It's that both of us are imperfect.  It's that 2 eyes are better than one.  It's that he will notice A and B and C, and I will notice X and Y and Z and having all of A, B, C, X, Y, and Z are important to making a decision as big as a house.  We are better as a team than as individuals.  Has nothing to do with whether or not "he can be trusted"

 

I don't think it even has to do with imperfection.....it is just different preferences.

 

I don't really get how this became a marital trust in all areas conversation.....unless people are just balking at the term "trust" to which I again ask, what is a better term.

 

This is meant to be a light thread, not an "if you don't trust him to pick out the perfect house then you must not trust him at all" thread, but I guess this is WTM and it is what it is.

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I figure if you trust a spouse enough to marry them surely they can be trusted to make even major decisions for the family independently in need.

Certainly I'd trust him enough to know that he'd choose a well constructed house in a safe neighborhood.

 

What I don't burden him with is trying to keep in mind how I like kitchen cabinets arranged, what faucet shape I like, where the laundry room is most convenient, how the old furniture might be arranged in the new house... I mean, lots of marriages tank because one spouse expects the other to be a mind reader. Because I am the one running the household, I need to see the house to know how things will fit, how the day-to-day tasks and happenings will flow through the physical structure. DH does work from home at times and he needs to know that his office/shop needs will be met, but he's less particular about work space. So to me it's not an apples to apples trust requirement. Maybe this is just my first world issue. 😄

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I figure if you trust a spouse enough to marry them surely they can be trusted to make even major decisions for the family independently in need.

 

I don't think it's an issue of trust, but one of experience.  DH knows much more about cars than I do; if only one of us could be present in a car buying situation, I'd send him.  I'd let him know my preferences, but I'd leave the decision in his hands.

 

When it comes to houses, if only one of us can be there, I'm the better choice.  I spend more time in the house, I organize the house and the flow of our days, and I can see past staging/decor/cosmetic details.  He'll be the one to go over the inspection report with a fine tooth comb, but for the actual house finding?  That'd be me.

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Yes. He is pretty picky, probably more so than myself. It might not be the perfect house but it would be a solid pick. His only problem might be not negotiating price enough if he fell for the house and didn't want to lose it. I am less emotional about buying a house.

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I guess the way I might say it is...I wouldn't want him to have to take on all that responsibility all by himself.  I do think it's about more than just preferences.  There are a LOT of things that factor into buying a house and DH and I both take it very seriously.  (I know this is supposed to be a light thread, I don't want you to think I am trying to make it overly serious :D )  It's just not something that he and I feel is a job for just one person.  Shoot, when I was single and moving out of my parents house and into my first apartment, while I went looking on my own, I wouldn't have signed the lease without someone else looking at it with me.  Even when we rented this one, when DH couldn't come with me to look, my mom did.  And I absolutely had DH walk through it with me before we applied for the lease. 

 

 

If you live close by and aren't moving a long distance, that works well.  I personally would feel more comfortable renting for a while and getting the entire family moved before starting to look, but apparently others see it differently.

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No, but I wouldn't say it's a trust issue. It's more about what we're each good at. He's not great at being able to mentally arrange a room and determine if it's practical. We would often leave house viewings with him saying "that one seemed good", then I'd say why I didn't like it and he'd be saying "oh, I didn't notice that. Oh, ya, that wouldn't work." But to be fair, there's other things that he's more likely to notice, so I wouldn't necessarily want to choose on my own, either. 

 

If we were ever put in a position where we needed to do this, I would think we would try our hardest to at least do a walk-through video for the not-present spouse to watch. 

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Oh lordy no!!!  My husband, the wonderful man that he is, thinks we need a LOT more space than we actually do. I would be living in a castle if he went house-shopping by himself. 

 

But at the same time I would never buy a house without him seeing it bc he has a very good eye at spotting various construction and other house-related issues.

 

So, with my practicality and his knowledge about various things - we HAVE TO look at houses together

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I would if we had to. I let DH pick our last house when it was impractical for me to travel to look. I had searched online and we had discussed prospects, and we had a tight deadline. I ended up hating a lot about the house and there were some surprises that I'd have found problematic but that he didn't think to mention, but in the end I still believe it was our best choice at the time. Everything else was much worse. It was a rental, but we know each other well enough that I think we could buy a house like that. Sometimes we don't have the luxury of taking time and looking like we would in an ideal situation. Usually, a good enough house is good enough. 

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No. We look for different things. I wouldn't want to buy one without his input either though, because...we look for different things. While he tells me what he likes, I might not would give it sufficient weight when looking. However, he may rent one for us that I have looked at thoroughly online. 

 

ETA: Because I like to do the research, I would probably pick out my favorites online, give him the rundown on them, and we would go from there. We wouldn't both have to be involved from start to finish. Our tastes are pretty similar as to styles that we like, etc., but I can picture spatial issues better, and he notices if the yard is going to take a lot of upkeep, etc.

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No, he's great at focusing on lots/views, but not as aware of what works for me and the family inside. I focus more on the interior. We both research the towns, though me more so. Each time we took a 10 day house hunting trip and found a home together. Quicker than I would normally prefer.

 

He hated our last house in VA; I loved it. He picked it because of the location and he wanted a short commute; I picked it because it was bright, sunny, and I could picture loving it. It was perfect for me and then our three kids. We seriously only had two choices in that town we could afford, and this was the better by far. I still miss it.

 

Our current home he narrowed down by location- wanted to be on a golf course with no neighbors behind us, and not too far from the beach. The inside and the lanai worked for me and the kids. I would have preferred to rent first; he really wanted to buy a house. We are in a great neighborhood and area and it's worked out well.

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No. We look for different things. I wouldn't want to buy one without his input either though, because...we look for different things. While he tells me what he likes, I might not would give it sufficient weight when looking. However, he may rent one for us that I have looked at thoroughly online. 

 

ETA: Because I like to do the research, I would probably pick out my favorites online, give him the rundown on them, and we would go from there. We wouldn't both have to be involved from start to finish. Our tastes are pretty similar as to styles that we like, etc., but I can picture spatial issues better, and he notices if the yard is going to take a lot of upkeep, etc.

 

 

Interestedly enough, DH and I pulled up some areas we are considering moving to on zillow last night and I honestly can say that several of them that we both liked I would be fine with him just buying without me there.   It actually surprised me.

 

I do have home selling and buying on my mind, but I didn't start this thread based on that.....through the years I have been surprised at home many people in NC moved down from the NorthEast and only had a weekend to shop before going back up to sell their house, OR had one spouse come early and buy without the other.  

 

It isn't something I think I would do, BUT, I guess never say never I guess.

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It has happened to us.  One time, my dh bought a house without me seeing it at all and I never saw it until we pulled up with the moving truck.  Not the best case scenario, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  The house was over 200 years old, and was kind of an adventure. :)  It was hard at the time, but now we have lots of good stories.

 

Another time we bought a house that neither of us had seen  -- we had friends go through it for us and send us pictures.  Again, not the best case scenario and if we had felt like we had other options, we would have done it differently.  

 

So, to answer your question.  Yes, but only if there are no other options.

 

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