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DawnM

S/O: Would you trust your spouse to buy a house

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without your seeing it?

 

We have bought one house where I picked it out and DH hadn't seen it.  It turned out to be more work than we thought BUT it also netted us the most equity overall.

 

I am wondering if I would trust DH to buy a house without me or my input.  Maybe if he sent video of him walking through it.......I just don't know.

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NO. And it is not about trust. It is about taste. We have completely different likes in every single thing in life. We even have bucket lists that are opposite.

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Dh signed the contract for this house based on my report, he didn't actually see it until our final walk through.

 

I'd have a hard time doing the same, but then I'm the one spending most of my time in the house and doing most of the child raising here. He mostly comes home to sleep.

Edited by maize
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Yes. It would not be my preferred way of doing it, but I trust him to make a good choice that meets our family's needs. We have been together for thirty years and know each other's tastes and needs.

With today's technology it would be even easier; he could give me a virtual tour via computer beforehand. Not just a recorded video, but a live video call where I could give input and have him stop and look closer at things I want to see. There is no need to buy a house without input from the spouse, unless it's in the wilderness without cell service.

Edited by regentrude
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Honestly, no. He knows my serious wants, but he has a hard time visualizing actually living in the house. In our last home search, I did most of the leg work and if there was a serious contender, then he came to see it. 

Our present house won by virtue of location and price. It is not perfect in anyway, but it is worth it right now because this area jumped to unaffordable for us in the last 6 months. 

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NO. And it is not about trust. It is about taste. We have completely different likes in every single thing in life. We even have bucket lists that are opposite.

 

 

I guess that is my definition of trust.  Would you trust him to get something you would like and approve of and enjoy?

 

My husband is much more about functionality, which I can appreciate, but I really want input.

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We've done it out of necessity and both learned a lot from the experience. Now in our house searching he finds houses that fit criteria we wrote out together and asks me to look at the listings knowing I can spot issues that he doesn't see. Then we both go to look if we are still interested. Never again would one of us buy without the other.

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No no no. My dh literally has no standards for a house. He would be all about the land it was on claiming we could fix anything wrong with the house. Dh and I are polar opposite and this would not work out well.

 

We would be living in a shack on a fabulous piece of propety.

Edited by Elizabeth86
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without your seeing it?

 

We have bought one house where I picked it out and DH hadn't seen it. It turned out to be more work than we thought BUT it also netted us the most equity overall.

 

I am wondering if I would trust DH to buy a house without me or my input. Maybe if he sent video of him walking through it.......I just don't know.

If it were a choice based on finances, yes. I would trust him to buy a house we intended to flip - or even we were going to live in it for a couple of years, fix up, and sell.

 

If we were buying a home to live in with our family and make a life in, no. If it's more than a matter of a good investment, both of us would need to see it and feel good about it. It's not a matter of trust. Both people need to really like and want a house they will live in and make a home in. I think it would be unfair to the "picker" to make that large of a financial decision which is also loaded with a lot of personal presences that are not about quantifiable potential for resale. I wouldn't want to choose and then have him regret it, and he wouldn't either. We would need to spread the blame:)

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No no no. My dh literally has no standards for a house. He would be all about the land it was on claiming we could fix anything wrong with the house. Dh and I are polar opposite and this would not work out well.

 

We would be living in a shack on a fabulous piece of propety.

 

The thing I trust my husband on is knowing what is fixable and what is really too far gone for easy repairs.  Sometimes he doesn't even trust the inspector's assessments of things.  I know nothing about that stuff.

 

But yeah, he cares more about the land than the house too.

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Oh yeah. It's not like I wouldn't be able to see pictures beforehand too.

 

I think DH would make my preferences the priority and if I were the one buying the house I'd merely take his preferences into consideration. Because I spend SOOO much more time at home than he does.

 

But our tastes are essentially aligned, with a few small differences.

 

And either one of us would be more than happy to let the other do all that decision making :laugh:

 

ETA-- I just thought of something. I pay **way** more attention to the surrounding roads and neighborhood.... sidewalks, other houses around and stuff like that than DH does. I'd have him skype with me while walking around the neighborhood at the day and the night.

Edited by OKBud
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Nope. He picked our current house and it is awful. Now he picked it before we were even dating and chose it for location but he paid too much and it was in bad condition.

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Yes.  Dh and I have talked extensively about our individual needs and wants in a home.  He picked out our rental without me being here and I absolutely adore it: acres of wooded property, not an open floor plan, closets, quiet but with neighbors, and a two car garage.  :) 

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Yes, DH has done it twice. He has very particular tastes and he enjoys looking at houses while I'd rather do most anything else (except furniture shopping). The first house, while we loved the neighborhood, was a bust in that it was far from everything until we'd lived there five years. I made "close to stuff" my number one priority when buying a house. For our latest move, he walked me through our final two picks using a video call. I like the house we're in now, but DH, even though he picked it, doesn't. In his defense, he has good reasons for disliking it. We've talked about moving, but our proximity to schools, stores, libraries, and activities makes this location attractive to me especially now that we're having gas shortages.

 

ETA: Also we've had several moves 1000+ miles distant. It was expensive to fly the children and me down as often as needed to find a home. I would do online research looking for areas with good schools close to his work and he'd limit his search to those locations.

Edited by ErinE

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We have friends who did that and it worked out well. They really had no other choice. The spouse took many pictures and did a skype walk through with wife. Although the wife spends the most time at home, the husband does the most work on the house so he needed to evaluate whether he could do the work and he was the one who chose the house. 

I think this is easier for people whose income is limited and therefore have limited choices. If the basic questions are whether it is big enough, cheap enough, and safe enough, it is easy to have agreement. If questions of color of tile or kitchen layout come into play this would be harder.

Emily

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No. He does not pay attention to things like a pantry or a closet or lots of stuff. When we were house hunting it was rather funny how he could not remember one house from the next. He could possilby be surprised with what house he ended up with. 

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"Trust" is kind of a subjective thing in this context. Do I believe he'd choose a decent place I could live with, within our budget and certain specifics discussed in advance? Yeah, I guess. Would I want him to? No.

 

I agreed to this house because he loved it so much. I was meh about everything we saw and would have liked to look more. He lives here, too, so...

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Oh definitely. He doesn't have great aesthetic taste but the house would function wonderfully and the layout would be good.

 

It's not my preferred way of doing it either but you gotta do what you gotta do.

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"Trust" is kind of a subjective thing in this context. Do I believe he'd choose a decent place I could live with, within our budget and certain specifics discussed in advance? Yeah, I guess. Would I want him to? No.

 

I agreed to this house because he loved it so much. I was meh about everything we saw and would have liked to look more. He lives here, too, so...

 

what other word would you use?

 

Yeah, we have lived here almost 12 years and I am still meh about it, and I did see it and agree to it!

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Oh heck no.  He knows I make better choices about that kind of thing in general.  That said, he is good at analyzing the bones of a house and working with an inspector.  I think we'd need a team effort for any house. 

 

If we moved to a whole new area/city my strong preference would be rent or even camp for a bit to get a lay of the land.  We live in a metro area and I know many people who have bought a house under duress and then had regrets.  In particular about location.  I am not a biggest house for the dollar kind of person.  I much prefer to have a smaller home and a livable neighborhood and short commutes.  We downsized to be in our current home.

Edited by WoolySocks

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I'm living in a house he chose.  (from before we were even dating.)  not on your life.

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Hubby found the place we would live in together for the first time on his own. I met him in NJ when he was on temporary assignment, he proposed, he moved to Boston and a couple of months later I joined him and we got married. We didn't buy, but we did lease. It worked out fine. I loved that first place. :)

 

Honestly if DH were to purchase a place now without me seeing it in person, I would probably know more about it then him. I tend to over research things and so with this day and age with internet the way it is, I don't think I would be needed to find a place if DH found one that he liked. DH and I tend to think alike so I don't see what the big deal would be. 

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Yes. We've spent 25 years renovating this old house and have learned a lot about what can be fixed vs what is beyond our ability. We've learned what we each like and dislike.  He knows what's super important to me (a decent kitchen and a place to sew) and I know what's important to him (garage space for the sports car and a  place to do his woodworking).   

 

However, we have also spent a lot of time on Realtor.com looking at houses that are in the area/price range we want and the more we do that, the more we tune in to what each other is looking for.  So yeah, I would trust him. 

 

I'm also not looking for the perfect house (clearly not, as we've been renovating this one for decades).  It needs to be as functional as I can get it in our price range, but not perfect. In the end, a house is just a place. The memories we make inside it are what matters. 

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I guess that is my definition of trust.  Would you trust him to get something you would like and approve of and enjoy?

 

My husband is much more about functionality, which I can appreciate, but I really want input.

I don't think he gets what I like. He might think he does, but probably not. I also feel that way about him. I do not think I fully grasp what he likes. I might think he would love such-n-such, but then his eye would catch something I miss. I would never pick a house out without him here. We both see different things. He sees details, I see the bigger picture. 

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Because Husband and I grew up in different countries, we have a different knowledge base about what is a good investment. When we bought a flat in London many years ago, Husband was attracted to fake-period buildings, because they were more practical.  I explained the extent to which a flat in a true period house would hold/increase its value, and that's what we went for in the end.  It's not a question of trust, but of different knowledge.

 

I'd 'trust' him to buy a house in the US, I think - he knows the market better and he already knows what is important to me.

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My preference would be to do it together, but my husband has amazing taste, he is very practical and knows what to look for. Our tastes may differ slightly but as long as it had a nice big back yard in a decent area then I am not too choosy.

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When we were in our twenties and thirties, no. But our taste and needs have converged in the past decade and a half so I believe I would. I'd need photos though.

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My husband is kind of visual spatial challenged. He finds it hard enough buying IKEA furniture. Even with a floor plan and a tape measure he still finds it hard to visualize what fit where.

 

We rejected the same houses and like the same houses when we went house hunting. But I would need a detailed floor plan and site plan if I am not going. I need to size up the "white space" (clutter free space) for each room and also the likely airflow. My husband can cope with less pleasant airflow in our car but my kids and I would be nearly puking and winding down car windows fast. So he won't notice a house is stuffy but we would.

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Yep, in a heartbeat. He cares a lot more about that stuff than I do. My basic feeling about houses is that they are a lot like Christmas trees: You can agonize over comparing the merits of one over another, but once you choose one and decorate it with your own stuff, it will become "yours" and be fine.

 

We've never bought a house, but our approach to any major purchase or long-term rental is that I do the advance research and identify some good possibilities that fit our shared criteria, and the he makes the final decision and negotiates the financial deal. After 20+ years of this, I trust he knows my concerns and tastes pretty thoroughly and would make the best possible decision for us.

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I rented a house for us with just me seeing it as DH was on a business trip.  (See other thread, we have bought houses site unseen and over the weekend too- LOL)

I'm super intuitive and just 'known' things. Of course, I look at practical things as well- I am very sensitive and take in information en masse as well as feeling things. I've been told I'm an asset to have around when buying a used car as I feel/hear see everything-which can, I'm told, be annoying as well. 

 

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Ha! That was a recurring dream/nightmare of mine. Dh would buy a house that I didn't like and we had to live there. I think it was rooted in anxiety during the housing bust. 

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Probably. I'd make sure he knew exactly what features were most important to me (read: very few -- main floor laundry was about the only requirement I had for this house that isn't easily changed), and what room space was important (we need room for several bedrooms, space for storing our Homeschool stuff, room for multiple hobbies), and yeah, I'd probably let him if need be. We have fairly similar tastes though, for the most part, not identical but not like one goes for super modern and one likes country.

 

But, so much can be changed. Decor -- that would not really be an issue for us at all. Hasn't ever been. We've done major cosmetic work on all three of our houses. We've been slowly redoing this one for a decade and still have a ways to go. You live with what you need to live with and change things as you go. Then again, my husband is a bit of a magician when it comes to reworking a house. He has created spaces in our house that didn't seem possible but which have turned out to be amazing. (This is what he does professionally.). So if all else, like location and general size and "flavor" of house and everything were good, I think I'd be okay with him picking a house as long as he was okay with redoing it if it wasn't quite right.

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No no no. My dh literally has no standards for a house. He would be all about the land it was on claiming we could fix anything wrong with the house. Dh and I are polar opposite and this would not work out well.

 

We would be living in a shack on a fabulous piece of propety.

 

:tongue_smilie:  This basically exactly describes the situation I am currently living in, and have been for the past 13 years.    But dh brought the house before we had ever met.   He always had plans to tear down the house and build from scratch, but wasn't in a rush since it was just him and his dogs.  But when we got married, I came with a daughter and was pregnant within 2 weeks of the wedding.  Then another kid two years later.  What wasn't awful for a grown man and his dog totally sucks for a family.   But the property is great, we are close to jobs, and in an excellent school district (which mattered for oldest dd).

 

We were two weeks from bulldozers coming in and he was laid off from a job where he had three years left on a 5 year contract.  We had to call off the new house.  Now we are just hoping to put on an addition and do some improvements, hopefully next year.  I try to concentrate on how lucky we are, I know a lot of people who lost their houses or have completely upside down mortgages.  We can afford our house on one salary, are very close to dh's work, and the kids actually like it.   :rolleyes:

 

As for the original question, I'm torn.  If dh had to find a house on his own for some reason, I think I would have some very very strict criteria.  The main one being no work needing to be done.   Second on the list would be a finished basement, a garage and adequate closets.   Beyond that I probably wouldn't care too much.  I'm not very picky.

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Nope, but he would trust me, because we bought this house without him seeing it.

 

It's not exactly a matter of trust as much as it is the fact that I am the one who spends about 20-24 hours per day in the house. I am the one who cooks the majority of meals, so the kitchen needs to function FOR ME. I am the one who wrangles small children all day, so I have a much better idea how the flow of space works for the routines I implement. I want our house to be a comfortable place for him, but realistically it's MY office. He just doesn't have a great grasp on how the day to day moments work, so his house picking criteria wouldn't necessarily align with the whole family's needs.

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No. More than once dh has purchased major appliances without my input. These appliances were unreliable and I'm stuck with them until we can afford to replaced.

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This should never even come up in the age of FaceTime, GoPro, Skype, and Facebook Live. It's too easy to almost be there to buy a house sight unseen or to even rely on photos or videos where you have no input into where he's pointing the camera. My DH rarely sees the inside of an office and most of his meetings happen over the computer. I'd insist on the same technology if he was househunting without me.

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Yes. Even without pictures. He is very logical, practical and has a pretty traditional taste in houses. Anything he liked I would like too. (But not necessarily vice-versa. I like modern architecture way more than he does!)

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At first I thought "no way"!  But upon considering it further, I think he would probably do a good job.  My concern would be that he sometimes doesn't note details the way I do.  

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In a heartbeat, but we have been married more than 20 years and dh can assess problems and what it would take to fix them reasonably well and we both know what the other likes.

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No and it has nothing to do with trust or understanding each others preferences.  Hubby and I have been married for 29 years and are still in love.  We know each other very well, but we "see" different things (that end up being important to both of us).  Whenever we've bought (or rented) a property we walk through it together, then discuss the pros and cons.  Every single time he's seen something I haven't (pro or con) and the same with me.  By sharing our info we have the most complete picture and have made educated decisions we've both liked.  There's never been a time we didn't come to the same conclusion after a discussion about pros and cons.

 

FWIW, we also prefer property (mainly view) over the actual house for something we're going to live in, but the house counts some.  If there's no view, don't even bother showing it to us though.

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ps  Either one of us will look over options first and eliminate some contenders though.  That saves time.  Since we know each other well, we know some just aren't worth both of us looking at...  I usually do the paring down since he works longer hours.

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Sight unseen? No, that would drive me bonkers. Actually, we didn't buy this home, but it was sight unseen for us both!! Talk about crazy. It's faculty housing and it came open at the last minute. I didn't even know what appliances it had. They told us 2 or 3 bedrooms but there's actually a mudroom so it was bigger than we expected which was a relief.

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