Are any of you adopted?

[Elizabeth86]

I am and I feel extra emotional about it each time I'm pregnant. I just woke up with the baby and thoughts just went running through my mind and now I cant sleep. I talk with my dh and mom a lot about the subject, so I have support, but I just felt like sharing with you all and wanted to know other peoples stories if you would like to share. It is going to take a while to type this all out, but I needed to put it out there if anyone cares to listen because I say the same things to my mom and dh over and over and honestly I get tired of thr dumping the same thing on them all the time. They dont mind though. Excuse me if I dont finish this today.

[Elizabeth86]

Yikes I just realized how long that was. If you cant take the time to read it, I totally understand. It was good therapy just writing about it.

 

My story

 

I will refer to my adopted parents as mom and dad because calling them my adopted parents feels icky to me.

 

My mom told me I was adopted when I was very young. We live in a small rural area and she didnt want anyone but her to be the first to tell me. I literally had zero issues with this my whole entire life until the very day my oldest son was born and it hit me all at once. I had dated dh for like 3 years before I realized he didnt know because it was never something I ever spent any time thinking about. It just never mattered to me. Now since I have kids I am constantly struggling with this.

 

So, my mom had had her fist two children when she and and my dad were super young. She was 17 and 19. When she was 36 her second child, her daughter, gave birth to me. My bio dad was not in the picture at all. So, they all agreed and I was adopted as a small baby. So, this is what I struggle with. (I will call the person that gave birth to me my sister because thats how I know her) My sister has been around my whole life. A big part of my life. She. did a lot with me growing up. I always loved her and liked spending time with her. I looked up to her. When my mom told me I was adopted, she sat me down, told me I was adopted, my sister was really my mom and if I had any questions I could ask her or my sister. That was it, it didnt bother me. I had a perfect childhood. I didnt have any questions and I moved on. Fast forward to the day my ds was born and my sister came to the hospital to see us and she was happy and emotional and fussing over the baby and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I grew extremely bitter toward her. The feelings I felt for my son that day... what kind of person could give away their baby? It dawned on me as I moved into motherhood what a selfless task it is to be a mother. I realized that she gave that job to my mom and do you know what she did? She played with me, bought me toys, took me to movies, parks, fairs, amusement parks, to the circus, had birthday parties,took me trick or treating, bought a pony basically all the fun things you can do to indulge a small child. Needless to say I thought she was great. She always referred to me as her baby too. Then I had my baby and I realized my mom had the sleepless nights and thousands of dirty diapers and bottles. She was the one to comfort me when I was scared or sad, she sat up with me and held my hair when I was sick, she had to brush the tangles out of my hair and deal with my temper tantrums and make me do my homework listened to my teenage drama. All the crap work that real moms gladly do. It seems sefless to give up your baby to give it a better life, but she didnt give me up. She just tucked me away until she felt like playing mommy. I know so many that weren't ready to be a mom, but they put forth the effort to try to give their kid the best life they could. Why couldnt she try? She lived at home and I promise you, she could have stayed there as long as she needed to get on her own 2 feet. It wasnt like she was homeless. My parents werent putting her out. Things might have been tight and she might not have been able to buy me a pony if she kept me, but I think I would have survived without it.

I cannot bring myself to talk to her about. I am afraid I will be too hurtful. She seems like a sad person in general and a bit depressed and I dont want to add to it. I dump on my mom all the time, but it seems to make her sad and she seems a bit defensive of my sister. Which I understand, but then I ask her how she would feel if her mom hadnt bothered to work hard to raise her, but instead put that off on someone else. As for my bio dad, I am thinking I would like to ask my sister to seal up any info about him in an envelope, so I can have as much info as possible in case I want to contact him. I am honestly not sure who knows what about him and I am afraid if something were to happen to my sister the info might be gone. The way my mom makes it seem they werent really in a relationship, maybe a one night stand or a short fling I guess. My mom doesnt act like she knew him. My sister actually kept her pregnancy a secret until the day I was born.

 

My sister still hasnt changed her ways. My mom catches all my venting. She has us over once a week and makes a homecooked meal, and plays with my kids and bonds with us and my sister. comes in passing out 20 bills and rediculous toys and candy and donuts acting like my kids are the most important things to her in the world even though she will go 3 weeks and not even a call. She just comes around when she feels like it. My mom and me talk every single day. My sister always wants to buy us things, but really after all these years I would have liked some emotional connect from her, but its like thats just not how she is. Her display of love comes from money and things and she misses the mark so bad. My mom knows what is important. She is everything I need as a mom. I just feel sad my sister is such a sad person. I wish we could patch it up and move on, but I am just not sure we could and I am too scared to try. Also, on the subject of my dad, I dont need him. I have a dad. It just worries me that he doesnt know I exist. From what I gather, my sister didnt tell him in fear he might take. Also selfish I think. If he doesnt care, I feel good with that. It just troubles me he has a daughter and doesnt know it. I am curious about siblings and I would like to see his green/dark eyes I know he has as every single person in my family has blue eyes.

 

So, thanks for letting me vent. I was so emotional and everyone is asleep.

 

So, if anyone has any advice or insight into what I said, feel free to chime in. I always appreciate an unbiased opinion. Dh and my mom, its always the same, which is fine but maybe not helpful. Maybe I am just being a selfish brat, if so please dont spare my feelings. I know its weird to put my life out there like that, but I always appreciate the various points of view fron people you dont know.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[DawnM]

Yes, I was adopted as a baby.  My first two children were the first blood relatives I ever met.   :wub:    It was a very surreal feeling for me.  And emotional.  And my 3rd child is adopted because adoption is important to me.  

 

I am sorry you are struggling.  I ended up in therapy, and even though the adoption stuff wasn't really a problem, it did come out in therapy and it helped.

Edited August 30, 2017 by DawnM

[Elizabeth86]

Yes, I was adopted as a baby. My first two children were the first blood relatives I ever met. :wub: It was a very surreal feeling for me. And emotional. And my 3rd child is adopted because adoption is important to me.

 

I am sorry you are struggling. I ended up in therapy, and even though the adoption stuff wasn't really a problem, it did come out in therapy and it helped.

Oh wow! I had never thought how it might feel to have never met a blood relative! Thanks for sharing.

 

Thanks for your kind words. My struggle ist too bad. I am just very emotional about it during pregnancy and with a brand new baby mostly.

[DawnM]

Oh wow! I had never thought how it might feel to have never met a blood relative! Thanks for sharing.

 

Thanks for your kind words. My struggle ist too bad. I am just very emotional about it during pregnancy and with a brand new baby mostly.

 

My struggle wasn't bad either, I went to therapy for something completely different, but it ended up coming up several times.

[Pink and Green Mom]

Thank you for sharing your stories.  My boys are adopted (and are not blood related to each other) and while it doesn't seem to be an issue now, I often wonder if it will hit them later in life.

[Melissa in Australia]

Completely different situation

 

My father was adopted. He killed himself when he was 20 and I was 3

 

My stepfather legaly adopted me after he married my mum

 

My twins are permanent care twins, pretty much the same as your country's foster to adopt system

[Ottakee]

Hugs to you and Thanks for sharing your story.

 

If you are interested, there are many forum and FB groups of adopted adults. I will warn you though that while some are super supportive, others are very hostile to their adoptive parents and adoption in general.

 

I have adopted 3 children but am not an adoptee. So just disregard everything I have to say if you want.

 

First you have a right to feel what you feel. These are your feelings and your experiences. No one else is going to have the exact same experiences.

 

Not knowing your age (so general feelings about unwed mother) or community you grew up in, your birth mother (sister) might not have felt that she had a real choice to parent you. While your parents would have supported her decision, would the rest of society and the community and church (if they were involved) and even her friends? I ask as you say she kept her pregnancy hidden until you were born and never told your birth father. Were there strong societal/church pressures that "giving the baby up for adoption" was the only right, correct, best choice? Obviously not directly to her since they didn't know she was pregnant but in general?

 

I wonder if her doing all of the things for you (and now your kids) is her way of trying to make up for what she gave up/lost (and guilt) all of those years by not being your parent.

 

Are you able to discuss this with her at all? Maybe in a therapy setting with someone experienced in adoption?

 

I am just "thinking aloud" here on the forum and am not an adoptee so please disregard if you want and know that you are cared about.

[Katy]

I'm not adopted, but we have adopted. Without getting into a bunch of personal details, we also have a family member who abandoned her children.  The rest of the family & the children's dad were wonderful, so the youngest especially didn't have too many feelings about it until she gave birth.  Then it really bothered her in a myriad of ways, starting with wondering how she could do that.

 

I think it's pretty common to go through waves of grief.  I remember having a whole new wave of grief about my parents divorce when I went to college.  It was triggered solely by realizing that there were problems with my parents. I never realized the extent of it until I saw that some of my friend's parents were better at parenting, more involved, and more loving than mine.

 

I think you should stop dumping your emotions on your mom about this.  There's nothing she can do about it and you're putting her in a difficult place. I also think you should go to therapy, preferably cognitive behavioral therapy, to help you sort through what's true, what's not, what you can control (your reactions to the truth), and what you can't (your sister's ability to connect on an emotional level or not).

 

Also, while I haven't read the book yet, you might look into a book called The Primal Wound, about dealing with the rejection inherent in being adopted.  I keep thinking I need to order and read it to understand our adopted children better.   I've heard it recommended by several people who, like you, seemed well adjusted about their adoptions until they were parents or some other adult circumstance triggered a wave of emotions about it. I think some of it might be related to being raised by people who aren't relatives, but I think a fair amount is simply related to the concept of the feeling of being rejected by birth parents.

[LMD]

Not adopted, but I did feel deep waves of anger towards my parents as I held my first newborn. I remember thinking almost exactly the same words you typed - "they loved me like this but still did x"

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. :grouphug:

[Elizabeth86]

Hugs to you and Thanks for sharing your story.

 

If you are interested, there are many forum and FB groups of adopted adults. I will warn you though that while some are super supportive, others are very hostile to their adoptive parents and adoption in general.

 

I have adopted 3 children but am not an adoptee. So just disregard everything I have to say if you want.

 

First you have a right to feel what you feel. These are your feelings and your experiences. No one else is going to have the exact same experiences.

 

Not knowing your age (so general feelings about unwed mother) or community you grew up in, your birth mother (sister) might not have felt that she had a real choice to parent you. While your parents would have supported her decision, would the rest of society and the community and church (if they were involved) and even her friends? I ask as you say she kept her pregnancy hidden until you were born and never told your birth father. Were there strong societal/church pressures that "giving the baby up for adoption" was the only right, correct, best choice? Obviously not directly to her since they didn't know she was pregnant but in general?

 

I wonder if her doing all of the things for you (and now your kids) is her way of trying to make up for what she gave up/lost (and guilt) all of those years by not being your parent.

 

Are you able to discuss this with her at all? Maybe in a therapy setting with someone experienced in adoption?

 

I am just "thinking aloud" here on the forum and am not an adoptee so please disregard if you want and know that you are cared about.

No, my parents werent religious at the time. Except childhood, my family never went to church until well after I came along.

 

Yes, she does what she does out of guilt, but it seems crazy to me that she cant see what me and my mom have that she and I dont have is an emotional bond not stuff. She is so materialistic. Also, she was 18 when I was born and it would have been a struggle. But she lived with us for years. I dont know why she wouldnt choose to earn a degree to make a better way while she had helo from mom and dad to babysit. They would have pitched in to help her with anything. They always have with all of us. She would be willing to talk, I just dont know if I can be adult enough about it. I dont want to cause her any more guilt or pain.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[Elizabeth86]

I'm not adopted, but we have adopted. Without getting into a bunch of personal details, we also have a family member who abandoned her children. The rest of the family & the children's dad were wonderful, so the youngest especially didn't have too many feelings about it until she gave birth. Then it really bothered her in a myriad of ways, starting with wondering how she could do that.

 

I think it's pretty common to go through waves of grief. I remember having a whole new wave of grief about my parents divorce when I went to college. It was triggered solely by realizing that there were problems with my parents. I never realized the extent of it until I saw that some of my friend's parents were better at parenting, more involved, and more loving than mine.

 

I think you should stop dumping your emotions on your mom about this. There's nothing she can do about it and you're putting her in a difficult place. I also think you should go to therapy, preferably cognitive behavioral therapy, to help you sort through what's true, what's not, what you can control (your reactions to the truth), and what you can't (your sister's ability to connect on an emotional level or not).

 

Also, while I haven't read the book yet, you might look into a book called The Primal Wound, about dealing with the rejection inherent in being adopted. I keep thinking I need to order and read it to understand our adopted children better. I've heard it recommended by several people who, like you, seemed well adjusted about their adoptions until they were parents or some other adult circumstance triggered a wave of emotions about it. I think some of it might be related to being raised by people who aren't relatives, but I think a fair amount is simply related to the concept of the feeling of being rejected by birth parents.

Thanks for the book suggestion.

[Guest]

I'm not adopted, but I wanted to tell you, I read your post and I hear you. ((()))

 

Being an excellent* mother thrust me at once into angrily facing up to the reality of my [bad] childhood in a more objective way....rather than the subjective "that's how life is feeling," because it was life for me and I didn't grasp how different/better it is for most people, but being the kind of mother I am also eventually led me to healing  a lot of the wounds my childhood imparted. 'Cause I can honestly say I am doing the best I can with what I have. I don't know that everyone involved did that too, but I dunno maybe they did.

 

My advice is to try to assume that everyone involved did the best they could at the time. Where you can't believe that's true--- get angry. Get sad. Then move on. Don't carry burdens that aren't yours, you know what I mean?

 

*doing my best

Edited August 30, 2017 by OKBud

[Elizabeth86]

I'm not adopted, but I wanted to tell you, I read your post and I hear you. ((()))

 

Being an excellent* mother thrust me at once into angrily facing up to the reality of my [bad] childhood in a more objective way....rather than the subjective "that's how life is feeling," because it was life for me and I didn't grasp how different/better it is for most people, but being the kind of mother I am also eventually led me to healing a lot of the wounds my childhood imparted. 'Cause I can honestly say I am doing the best I can with what I have. I don't know that everyone involved did that too, but I dunno maybe they did.

 

My advice is to try to assume that everyone involved did the best they could at the time. Where you can't believe that's true--- get angry. Get sad. Then move on. Don't carry burdens that aren't yours, you know what I mean?

 

*doing my best

Great advce! Thanks.

[SKL]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story.

 

I am not an adoptee, but an adoptive mom, so I have some thoughts about your situation.  Your mom and sister might agree or disagree whether this played into their choices.

 

When I was in training to be an adoptive parent, and from much that I've read and observed, it is important for the child to have clarity as to who their "mom" is, that one person the child goes to when sad, sick, hurt, or otherwise needy.  Having multiple mother figures can be confusing and problematic for the child, they say.  So maybe that was part of the thought process.  That it would be easier for you to not have to choose between them.  Does that make any sense?

 

Without invalidating your feelings, I think it's great that your mom and sister had a cooperative arrangement that provided you with all that you needed growing up. 

 

As an adoptive mom of two daughters, I can see that they feel the loss in various ways and especially the complete rejection.  They also have mixed feelings about becoming mothers themselves.  Personally I have told them that their future children are my grandchildren and I will be there for them no matter what.  Whatever that looks like.  I may or may not agree with the choices they make, but I won't make their kids pay for those choices if I can help it.  To me, the diapers and the puke are not important, I've changed thousands before I had kids and I'll change however many need changing while my hands work.  :)  The teen drama, hmm, but really it is all a privilege, and in a way I'm sorry for your sister that she has not had the experience of being the mom.  Maybe someday she will.

 

I understand your feelings and you sound like a nice person.  I predict that you will work through this and then you will be able to talk it out with your sister in a mutually healthy way.

[amyx4]

I'm not adopted but one of parent's was adopted at birth in a time when young unwed mothers gave up their babies.   So, I don't have your life experience but I did want to share something.

 

I have a physical trait that no one else in my family has.  So imagine green eyes in a family of brown eyes.  Something like that.  My whole life, my whole family acted like it was completely normal for me to have green eyes. However, once middle school science rolled around, it became clear that this trait had to have come from the bio grandparents. No one ever addressed it. Even when strangers would ask, "oh, where did she get those lovely green eyes?"

 

A couple of years ago, a distant relative, quietly whispered to me that my bio grandmother has that trait.  That piece of truth made me feel so much better.

 

I don't have the answer to your question but my guess is that what you are feeling is very normal. 

Edited August 30, 2017 by amyx4

[Elizabeth86]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story.

 

I am not an adoptee, but an adoptive mom, so I have some thoughts about your situation. Your mom and sister might agree or disagree whether this played into their choices.

 

When I was in training to be an adoptive parent, and from much that I've read and observed, it is important for the child to have clarity as to who their "mom" is, that one person the child goes to when sad, sick, hurt, or otherwise needy. Having multiple mother figures can be confusing and problematic for the child, they say. So maybe that was part of the thought process. That it would be easier for you to not have to choose between them. Does that make any sense?

 

Without invalidating your feelings, I think it's great that your mom and sister had a cooperative arrangement that provided you with all that you needed growing up.

 

As an adoptive mom of two daughters, I can see that they feel the loss in various ways and especially the complete rejection. They also have mixed feelings about becoming mothers themselves. Personally I have told them that their future children are my grandchildren and I will be there for them no matter what. Whatever that looks like. I may or may not agree with the choices they make, but I won't make their kids pay for those choices if I can help it. To me, the diapers and the puke are not important, I've changed thousands before I had kids and I'll change however many need changing while my hands work. :) The teen drama, hmm, but really it is all a privilege, and in a way I'm sorry for your sister that she has not had the experience of being the mom. Maybe someday she will.

 

I understand your feelings and you sound like a nice person. I predict that you will work through this and then you will be able to talk it out with your sister in a mutually healthy way.

I guess what you are saying makes sense, but there are many girls in my family and small rural community that kept their kids with tons of support from their families because they were young and unwed. Grandparents help lot, it would not have been unusal or confusing for her to be my mom while she worked and went to school while our parents helped. She had her tubes tied, so no babies.

[Elizabeth86]

I'm not adopted but one of parent's was adopted at birth in a time when young unwed mothers gave up their babies. So, I don't have your life experience but I did want to share something.

 

I have a physical trait that no one else in my family has. So imagine green eyes in a family of brown eyes. Something like that. My whole life, my whole family acted like it was completely normal for me to have green eyes. However, once middle school science rolled around, it became clear that this trait had to have come from the bio grandparents. No one ever addressed it. Even when strangers would ask, "oh, where did she get those lovely green eyes?"

 

A couple of years ago, a distant relative, quietly whispered to me that my bio grandmother has that trait. That piece of truth made me feel so much better.

 

I don't have the answer to your question but my guess is that what you are feeling is very normal.

Thank you.

[Scarlett]

I'm not adopted, but I wanted to tell you, I read your post and I hear you. ((()))

 

Being an excellent* mother thrust me at once into angrily facing up to the reality of my [bad] childhood in a more objective way....rather than the subjective "that's how life is feeling," because it was life for me and I didn't grasp how different/better it is for most people, but being the kind of mother I am also eventually led me to healing  a lot of the wounds my childhood imparted. 'Cause I can honestly say I am doing the best I can with what I have. I don't know that everyone involved did that too, but I dunno maybe they did.

 

My advice is to try to assume that everyone involved did the best they could at the time. Where you can't believe that's true--- get angry. Get sad. Then move on. Don't carry burdens that aren't yours, you know what I mean?

 

*doing my best

 

 

This is what I have learned as well.  Everyone is usually doing the best they can and when they don't do the best they can they sometimes carry extreme guilt for the rest of their life.  

 

OP, I would just ask your sister why she chose to let your mom raise you instead of raising you herself. Practice asking the question without venom or anger....and once you ask it, just listen.  And then accept her answer.  

 

I was born out of wedlock in 1965 and my mom was 20.  She kept me for which I am very grateful and she is an excellent mother. My bio dad refused to acknowledge me....I think he only really accepted that I am his child when my bio sister and I bonded in our 40s.  He got custody of my sister when she was 18 months old and he was an excellent father to her.  So yes I often feel resentment/rage that he could be a father to her but not to me.  

 

Having our own kids does bring up a lot of emotion about childhood.  It is really very typical but I am sorry you are suffering with this right now.  I would work to find a way to make peace with your past and with your sister's decision.  At least she let your mom raise you and so you know your bio family.

 

I would want to find bio dad too if I were you.  I would urge you to do that sooner rather than later.  It would be sad if he died before you could meet him.

[nixpix5]

*hug* what a frustrating situation. Your post made me cry and really hit me strongly because I was a 17 yo mom who dropped everything to love and sacrifice for my baby. I remember hauling him around to see friends, skipping events when he was sick, taking him to college lectures, I just never would have thought to do that to him. I lived at home until 19yo and his dad was in the picture but still, I did the parenting and my parents were immensely loving and supportive grandparents to him. My mom put a crib in her room for the occasional night she wanted me to get some sleep but even that made me feel guilty. I just couldn't imagine it. Your sister must have been a very confused girl who didn't know how to show love well outside of giving. I bet she holds a similar weight on her shoulders and is scared to talk to you about it or feels she doesn't have the right. When you are ready, you should talk with her. Ask those questions that confuse and burden you. It might be therapeutic for both of you.

[Tap]

I am not adopted but am raising my great-niece.

 

I also helped a teenager in a similar situation to yours.

 

One thing that was hard for the teen, was that his mom was not able to care for him when he was born.  Mom was young and on drugs, so the grandparents stepped in and adopted him. The grandfather even cut the umbilical cord. The boy doesn't know the name of his bio-dad. The bio-mom was out of the picture for a while and when she came back, her relationship to her son was more of that like an aunt.  The bio-mom went on to get her life together, married and had another child 3 years later.  The grandmother died when he was very young (maybe 3yo), so he was raised by his grandfather.  He had so much resentment over why his bio-mom didn't come back for him when his grandma died. And he really resented the bio-moms relationship to her other child (ended up being a single mom). One day the bio-mom and I talked and she told me her side of the story.  She said when she gave him up, she had to emotionally change her relationship with him in her head.  She had to separate from him.  When the grandma died, she didn't feel that separating the grand-father/grand-son was fair to either of them. And it was a formal adoption, so she couldn't do anything legally.  So, she moved on with her life. Sh had as much of a relationship with him as she could and still maintain her own emotional balance.  Looking back now, on how things went awry and how things could have been different, isn't a healthy place for any of them.  She says she made a decision when he was born based on situation at the time, and she didn't feel like she deserved any other relationship with him.  Her not being able to be his mom, to only be able to do small things(like vacations, visitations and presents)....was her punishment.   

 

 

 

My niece (bio-mom to dd10) says the same thing.  She doesn't have any contact with dd10.  She says she had to emotionally separate from her and not have any contact.  DD10 doesn't know anything different, but I am sure at some time she will.  

 

If you are hurting, I urge you to go to counseling and try to work in time with your bio-mom to come too.  She is the only one who holds the key to why she acts like she does.  It sounds like it may be helpful to you to hear it.  Maybe part of her depression, is around this situation.  Reading your post makes me think that you feel like she got to go and live just the fun part of being a parent....but she also missed out on that same bond with you, that you are missing with her.  Yes, she knows you have an amazing life and your bio-grandmother ended up being a great mom to you, but it doesn't change the fact that she was forced into the backseat and had to sit back and watch someone else raise her baby.  My guess, is that she has as much hurt as you do. Maybe together you can work and find a way to repair some damage, so you can both move on with a stronger relationship in the future. 

 

 

 

Dh wasn't around much when our older kids were growing up.  He worked long hours and traveled for work. He was also emotionally stunted by his own upbringing.  The kids don't feel like they have a normal father/child relationship with their dad.  One thing he has finally started to do, is to rebuild that relationship.  But he has to rebuild it with them as all being adults, not being a 'daddy'.  He can't get back the time and relationship he once could have had, but he can change the future.  It isn't easy but he is trying and that means a lot to our kids.  Their relationship isn't great, but it is getting better.  I told him over and over, throughout the years that he needed to change his relationship with the kids, but it wasn't until the kids themselves were honest with him about their feelings, that it finally hit home.  That is when the could finally begin to change things.  He thought everything was 'fine' when they were growing up because they were well adjusted happy kids.  He didn't even realize that the kids missed that bond with him and the relationship that they saw with their friends and their own fathers. The kids were fine when they were younger and didn't know any different.  It wasn't until later teens that they were able to see what was missing and vocalize that. 

 

 

 

(((((Hugs)))))) i

[Tap]

dp

Edited August 30, 2017 by Tap

[Tap]

.dp

Edited August 30, 2017 by Tap

[Peaceseeker]

I have a lot of experience with adoption that I won't go into for personal reasons. I would assume your sister loves you very much. She has always been a part of you life and didn't walk away. For whatever reason, she didn't feel equipped to be a mom at that time. But she gave you the best mom she could think of- her own mom, who as you say, was truly wonderful.

 

There is a lot of judgement towards a mother who chooses a different way to give a baby the best chance at life. It is often a difficult, painful road. It is not always just some easy way out. I am sure she has felt her share of pain about that decision as it is rarely an easy one. And she didn't just get to walk away and pretend it never happened either. She was right there the whole time. It sounds like she chose her role as an older sister and did her best at that role.

 

Adoption can be a tricky topic for many people. From personal experience, I know it can be a great act of love on all sides. It may not always be, but it can be. I hope you will be able to feel all the love around you and find some peace about your past. When you are both ready, a conversation with your sister may be helpful.

 

We live in a flawed world. Hopefully everyone was trying to do the best for you at that time. Some counseling may help you find closure.

Edited August 30, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[KrissiK]

I'm not adopted, but all five of my children are. And my brother is. I have no advice for you, but just hugs as you process all these emotions and thoughts.

 

My kids all know they are adopted and they don't have much to say about it. But what I have learned is that in the world of adoption, there is no "way it is." What I mean by that is, every situation is different. And complicated. People give their children up for adoption for many different reasons and some are incredibly complex...perhaps even a combination of selfless and selfish reasons. And some have their children removed because of horrible life choices. And some people adopt for selfless and selfish reasons. We are infertile, so we adopted because we wanted a family. People tell us we are "so wonderful to give these children a home" and I just smile, though inside I'm saying, "I just wanted to be a mom!!"

[Scarlett]

I am not adopted but am raising my great-niece.

 

I also helped a teenager in a similar situation to yours.

 

One thing that was hard for the teen, was that his mom was not able to care for him when he was born.  Mom was young and on drugs, so the grandparents stepped in and adopted him. The grandfather even cut the umbilical cord. The boy doesn't know the name of his bio-dad. The bio-mom was out of the picture for a while and when she came back, her relationship to her son was more of that like an aunt.  The bio-mom went on to get her life together, married and had another child 3 years later.  The grandmother died when he was very young (maybe 3yo), so he was raised by his grandfather.  He had so much resentment over why his bio-mom didn't come back for him when his grandma died. And he really resented the bio-moms relationship to her other child (ended up being a single mom). One day the bio-mom and I talked and she told me her side of the story.  She said when she gave him up, she had to emotionally change her relationship with him in her head.  She had to separate from him.  When the grandma died, she didn't feel that separating the grand-father/grand-son was fair to either of them. And it was a formal adoption, so she couldn't do anything legally.  So, she moved on with her life. Sh had as much of a relationship with him as she could and still maintain her own emotional balance.  Looking back now, on how things went awry and how things could have been different, isn't a healthy place for any of them.  She says she made a decision when he was born based on situation at the time, and she didn't feel like she deserved any other relationship with him.  Her not being able to be his mom, to only be able to do small things(like vacations, visitations and presents)....was her punishment.   

 

 

 

My niece (bio-mom to dd10) says the same thing.  She doesn't have any contact with dd10.  She says she had to emotionally separate from her and not have any contact.  DD10 doesn't know anything different, but I am sure at some time she will.  

 

If you are hurting, I urge you to go to counseling and try to work in time with your bio-mom to come too.  She is the only one who holds the key to why she acts like she does.  It sounds like it may be helpful to you to hear it.  Maybe part of her depression, is around this situation.  Reading your post makes me think that you feel like she got to go and live just the fun part of being a parent....but she also missed out on that same bond with you, that you are missing with her.  Yes, she knows you have an amazing life and your bio-grandmother ended up being a great mom to you, but it doesn't change the fact that she was forced into the backseat and had to sit back and watch someone else raise her baby.  My guess, is that she has as much hurt as you do. Maybe together you can work and find a way to repair some damage, so you can both move on with a stronger relationship in the future. 

 

 

 

Dh wasn't around much when our older kids were growing up.  He worked long hours and traveled for work. He was also emotionally stunted by his own upbringing.  The kids don't feel like they have a normal father/child relationship with their dad.  One thing he has finally started to do, is to rebuild that relationship.  But he has to rebuild it with them as all being adults, not being a 'daddy'.  He can't get back the time and relationship he once could have had, but he can change the future.  It isn't easy but he is trying and that means a lot to our kids.  Their relationship isn't great, but it is getting better.  I told him over and over, throughout the years that he needed to change his relationship with the kids, but it wasn't until the kids themselves were honest with him about their feelings, that it finally hit home.  That is when the could finally begin to change things.  He thought everything was 'fine' when they were growing up because they were well adjusted happy kids.  He didn't even realize that the kids missed that bond with him and the relationship that they saw with their friends and their own fathers. The kids were fine when they were younger and didn't know any different.  It wasn't until later teens that they were able to see what was missing and vocalize that. 

 

 

 

(((((Hugs)))))) I

 

 

Tap this is a wonderful post.  

[Arcadia]

I am not adopted. My friend was adopted by her maternal aunt. Her bio mom wasn't ready to be an "adult" until she was in the late 40s, kind of like the single party girl stereotype. My friend was carrying the emotional baggage around until her divorce and she realized that her ex-husband is very similar to her bio-mom in personality. Her bio-mom in her 60s is a better grandma to her teen than bio-mom would be a mom in her mid 20s. My friend has make peace with it and move on from both the adoption and divorce issues.