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Scarlett
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We live 10 miles from a small town. An hour to anywhere that has public transportation. I work 3 days a week. Dh works in the city 5 days a week. So he will have to do something at home. At least until he drive himself. we have provided him with every sort of help and motivation that we are capable of. If it isn't enough then I guess it isn't enough.

 

Btw, I do drive him plenty of places. As does ds. But between my work and Ds's work there is no way we can also run him back to town to work out at the gym.

 

So, there are 4 days a week when you aren't working?  This is a pretty serious medical issue.  Putting it on a teenager to solve isn't realistic.  It seems like at least 4 days a week you could drive him, couldn't you?

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Good idea. They could do it together, I am not sure how long before Dh can start really walking any distance....maybe another 4 weeks?

 

Since your husband isn't up for walking, perhaps he can look into 'chair aerobics' and entice his son to join in. It could develop a habit of exercising together and progress to more 'leg work' when you husband is stronger and they have an exercise 'bond'.

 

I certainly wouldn't present it as something to help you dss but, perhaps, coming from dad as a way to join him as he gets back into the groove.  It might be a fun, low stress way to get him moving with you dh in a manner accessible to both of them.

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We live 10 miles from a small town. An hour to anywhere that has public transportation. I work 3 days a week. Dh works in the city 5 days a week. So he will have to do something at home. At least until he drive himself. we have provided him with every sort of help and motivation that we are capable of. If it isn't enough then I guess it isn't enough.

Btw, I do drive him plenty of places. As does ds. But between my work and Ds's work there is no way we can also run him back to town to work out at the gym.

I remember that he was riding his bike a lot when he recently went on WW and lost all that weight. It sounds like he lost all of his motivation when he went to stay with his mom for several weeks, but if he can get back into the same habits he was in before he went to his mom's, I would think he would start losing weight again pretty quickly.

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So, there are 4 days a week when you aren't working? This is a pretty serious medical issue. Putting it on a teenager to solve isn't realistic. It seems like at least 4 days a week you could drive him, couldn't you?

Yes I guess if you count the weekend I have 4 days off. But he is wIt's his moms every other weekend. I am not sure why the gym in town is suddenly the magic answer when nothing else has enticed him. It would be an extreme hardship to do that. So considering that there are plenty of other options he will just have to conform a bit.

 

Tonight we have had friends over, they are out now swimming in the pool and rough housing. That makes me feel good. I asked the group if anyone was interested in a couch to 5 k program, one girl spoke up, Yes she would do it. So I am going to try and organize that.

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Yes I guess if you count the weekend I have 4 days off. But he is wIt's his moms every other weekend. I am not sure why the gym in town is suddenly the magic answer when nothing else has enticed him. It would be an extreme hardship to do that. So considering that there are plenty of other options he will just have to conform a bit.

 

Tonight we have had friends over, they are out now swimming in the pool and rough housing. That makes me feel good. I asked the group if anyone was interested in a couch to 5 k program, one girl spoke up, Yes she would do it. So I am going to try and organize that.

That sounds great. Keeping my fingers crossed that more may join in.

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If you haven't read it it might be helpful to read the book "why diets make us fat"

 

http://www.npr.org/books/titles/481099343/why-diets-make-us-fat-the-unintended-consequences-of-our-obsession-with-weight-l

 

It is written by a neuroscientist about the lose and gain cycle with diets. It doesn't have all the answers but you may actually do more harm than good by obsessing over your stepsons weight.

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I find it interesting that some people say there's only so much you can do with a 16-year-old and not to badger him. And others act like I'm not jumpingthrough enough hoops to help him with his problem

I think there's a fine line between being supportive and hassling someone about their weight and it's very hard to maintain. I think making sure most of the options on the table at home are healthy and there are fun ways to exercise will work out best.

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I find it interesting that some people say there's only so much you can do with a 16-year-old and not to badger him. And others act like I'm not jumpingthrough enough hoops to help him with his problem

Well, because we all have different experiences and are interpreting your circumstances differently.  I don't find that remarkable at all, TBH.  I think it is to be expected.  

 

Also, since all we can go by is what you post, there is probably a lot we aren't seeing about the circumstances.  You obviously care and are trying to help.  There is probably a lot you are doing that has not been explicitly stated so different posters are filling in those blanks in different ways.  

 

As for people suggesting ways to get him to the gym, I don't think it is that most posters think you aren't jumping through enough hoops, they just maybe have had experience with gyms being a positive motivator.  They are brainstorming ways that maybe going to the gym could still happen.  I don't think people are saying that  is your only option or that you are a terrible parent for saying you won't.  I wasn't either and I mentioned the gym.  They were just brainstorming suggestions for how going to the gym might still happen.  We have been suggesting different ways to get him feeling good about starting an exercise program and for many of us having a gym to go to has been a positive motivator.  

 

You have a bit more control over the food because it has to be in the house for him to eat it (since he can't drive and you don't live within walking distance of a store) and he has to eat so if what is offered at home is healthier, then he has to eat healthy food.  With getting him to exercise, that's harder.  That requires motivation, some sort of buy in from his side.  We are all trying to suggest things that might motivate him.  It is hard to get buy in from a 16 year old.

 

And if starting and keeping a healthy exercise routine were easy we'd all be exercising more.  It is not uncommon to need outside support (someone other than Mom/Stepmom saying you need to exercise).  

 

Best wishes in your endeavors.

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I find it interesting that some people say there's only so much you can do with a 16-year-old and not to badger him. And others act like I'm not jumpingthrough enough hoops to help him with his problem

 

They both have something there   :)

First, he needs to buy in. Without the 16 y/o wanting to do it, there is nothing you can do.

Second, IF he wants to, I would jump through whatever hoop possible, since this is not just about a fun acivity, but health, too. If he feels, gym would help, I would try to make it happen to give it a shot, even if it is inconvenient ( I drove my DD to the barn 10 miles out of town several days per week for years. And my son's juddo classes are 100 miles one way. So, some people do crazy stuff like this, even though it costs a ton of time)

 

But it's in that order. He needs to want to.

Edited by regentrude
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They both have something there :)

First, he needs to buy in. Without the 16 y/o wanting to do it, there is nothing you can do.

Second, IF he wants to, I would jump through whatever hoop possible, since this is not just about a fun acivity, but health, too. (We drove 100 miles one way for DS' judo class, and I drove my DD to the barn 10 miles out of town several days per week for years. So, some people do crazy stuff like this, even though it costs a ton of time)

 

But it's in that order. He needs to want to.

I think he waffles back and forth. Which seems normal I guess--just hard to know how to help.

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I have always found it much easier to be consistent with exercise as part of a group. That's just the way it is. DH too. FWIW, he has been the teenager (and adult) in the 300-lb range, so I think he would very much identify with your son's struggle. He is also very much not an internally motivated person. He knows this about himself and looks for opportunities to put himself in situations where he is more likely to be successful. If this is also true of your son, it might be helpful to point it out to him and brainstorm ways that he can find external motivators. Having a goal, like completing a C25K as you mentioned, is one way.

 

Another thing that DH has really enjoyed are group personal training sessions.These are offered at our YMCA, and I believe other places offer them as well. They are a cross between a fitness class and personal training, with one trainer to 6-9 participants. Much of the workout is "manly" -- think weight lifting, flipping tires, etc., combined with running and other exercises. Much more appealing to a guy, but also provides a social aspect, as well as a commitment of sorts -- you've signed up for this class so it's on your calendar instead of wandering outside and trying to think of something to do alone. Even 1-2 sessions per week might provide him with some motivation and also the opportunity to learn HOW to work out, as well as the chance to make friends who are physically active, with perhaps a more manageable time commitment for you until he is able to drive. At his age, he will likely see progress very quickly with the amount of weight he can lift, etc. and very little is more motivating than that. It may help spur him to do more on his own in between sessions. I believe you said he has access to weights at home, in addition to the obvious like running and biking and body weight exercises (which he will learn a lot about in a personal training group), so plenty of opportunity to "practice" between sessions.

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I have always found it much easier to be consistent with exercise as part of a group. That's just the way it is. DH too. FWIW, he has been the teenager (and adult) in the 300-lb range, so I think he would very much identify with your son's struggle. He is also very much not an internally motivated person. He knows this about himself and looks for opportunities to put himself in situations where he is more likely to be successful. If this is also true of your son, it might be helpful to point it out to him and brainstorm ways that he can find external motivators. Having a goal, like completing a C25K as you mentioned, is one way.

 

Another thing that DH has really enjoyed are group personal training sessions.These are offered at our YMCA, and I believe other places offer them as well. They are a cross between a fitness class and personal training, with one trainer to 6-9 participants. Much of the workout is "manly" -- think weight lifting, flipping tires, etc., combined with running and other exercises. Much more appealing to a guy, but also provides a social aspect, as well as a commitment of sorts -- you've signed up for this class so it's on your calendar instead of wandering outside and trying to think of something to do alone. Even 1-2 sessions per week might provide him with some motivation and also the opportunity to learn HOW to work out, as well as the chance to make friends who are physically active, with perhaps a more manageable time commitment for you until he is able to drive. At his age, he will likely see progress very quickly with the amount of weight he can lift, etc. and very little is more motivating than that. It may help spur him to do more on his own in between sessions. I believe you said he has access to weights at home, in addition to the obvious like running and biking and body weight exercises (which he will learn a lot about in a personal training group), so plenty of opportunity to "practice" between sessions.

One of the boys best friends has an even bigger weight problem than dss. Friend is probably 325 and only about 5'10. He is also 23...which is concerning because the longer he goes with this weight the harder it will be. Maybe all of them will join the gym.....I don't know. My son works out every night with weighs in his room. Just upper body....but the kid has great definition and a flat rock hard stomach. He has encouraged me to do some for my arms...since I am 52 they are a tad flabby. ;).

 

I think it is time for Dss's annual check up. I am going to schedule it and Dh can take him and maybe address the weight issue. The last time the doctor didn't even say much about it, and this doctor had to have by pass surgery himself! He is thin now....but one would think he would want dss to deal with it now as a teen instead of having surgery later. I am going to suggest to Dh that he email the doctor ahead of time and get the doctor on board with helping dss see how serious it can be/is.

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I have a son who also was very overweight. He was big even as a very young child. His genetics definitely had something to do with it, but he also just loves food. I always cooked very healthy meals, and he drank nothing but water. I saw what badgering someone about weight can do with members of my own family, and was determined not to do that to him. I know that nothing anyone says will have an effect unless the person makes up their own mind to do something about it.

 

At about the age of 17 he came to a decision completely on his own to begin a journey toward a healthier weight and to get fit. He lost about 100 pounds over a year or so. My husband bought a gym around this time since he's always been into working out, and my son got into it as well. He'll tell you, though, that exercise is great, but losing weight is 90 percent what you eat. He's 24 years old now and runs the gym, but has to watch what he eats very carefully in order to keep the weight off.

 

I'm curious as to why you are so stressed out about this. He's 16 so obviously he knows what he chooses to eat will affect his weight. I think you should back off completely and quit trying to get control over it. From personal experience, I don't believe that being obsessed with this is helping at all.

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I have a son who also was very overweight. He was big even as a very young child. His genetics definitely had something to do with it, but he also just loves food. I always cooked very healthy meals, and he drank nothing but water. I saw what badgering someone about weight can do with members of my own family, and was determined not to do that to him. I know that nothing anyone says will have an effect unless the person makes up their own mind to do something about it.

 

At about the age of 17 he came to a decision completely on his own to begin a journey toward a healthier weight and to get fit. He lost about 100 pounds over a year or so. My husband bought a gym around this time since he's always been into working out, and my son got into it as well. He'll tell you, though, that exercise is great, but losing weight is 90 percent what you eat. He's 24 years old now and runs the gym, but has to watch what he eats very carefully in order to keep the weight off.

 

I'm curious as to why you are so stressed out about this. He's 16 so obviously he knows what he chooses to eat will affect his weight. I think you should back off completely and quit trying to get control over it. From personal experience, I don't believe that being obsessed with this is helping at all.

Well, this thread has helped me to articulate in my own mind what is so stressful to me about it. Some of it is practical.....I can't afford to keep buying new clothes for him as he keeps gaining weight.

 

But the other part is that I feel restricted in how I deal with my own son and I resent that. Part of my mothering my son is feeding him....he doesn't like cooking his own stuff and he considers it an act of love for me to make him lunch or snack or whatever. So for instance I would make my son a special grilled cheese with a lot of fat and calories in it.......but I don't want to offer that to dss! However it feels rude to not offer him something....but still rude to say hey want an apple? Lol....dss doesn't mine getting his own food and he is very aware he can't eat what ds eats....so this is probably all in my own head.

 

Congrats to your son on weight loss. And yes, I totally agree that ds needs some exercise but it isn't the total answer. He has to cut back on what he eats. Skip seconds, have popcorn with a spray of butter for a snack instead of ice cream....that kind of thing.

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One of the boys best friends has an even bigger weight problem than dss. Friend is probably 325 and only about 5'10. He is also 23...which is concerning because the longer he goes with this weight the harder it will be. Maybe all of them will join the gym.....I don't know. My son works out every night with weighs in his room. Just upper body....but the kid has great definition and a flat rock hard stomach. He has encouraged me to do some for my arms...since I am 52 they are a tad flabby. ;).

 

I think it is time for Dss's annual check up. I am going to schedule it and Dh can take him and maybe address the weight issue. The last time the doctor didn't even say much about it, and this doctor had to have by pass surgery himself! He is thin now....but one would think he would want dss to deal with it now as a teen instead of having surgery later. I am going to suggest to Dh that he email the doctor ahead of time and get the doctor on board with helping dss see how serious it can be/is.

 

Well, if it's any consolation, dh was 35 before he finally decided to do something about his weight. By then he was well over 350 lbs. He lost about 100 lbs fairly easily but after a period of prolonged stress put some back on and is working to get it off again.

 

It's wonderful that you care about him and are supportive of him. It really is. Your love and concern are evident in your posts. But you can't fix him. He may not be able to "fix" himself even. For many of us, this is a lifelong battle. Yes, good habits are important, and practicing them certainly makes them easier to stick to. But even if he loses 100 lbs in the next six months there is a good chance he will continue to battle overeating (and I'm assuming that overeating is his primary problem, as you've said that his doctor ruled out medical causes of his obesity) for the rest of his life. That is what it is. It sucks, but there it is.

 

I hope he will be one of the lucky ones who lose the weight and never have any trouble with it again. They do exist. But if he's not, then more than losing weight he needs to learn that healthy habits are an end unto themselves and worth practicing for their own sakes. Until he feels their impact on him directly (and honestly, DH and I both had to get past the freshness of youth before we could feel the effect of our habits on our bodies) it won't stick. And even then, it may be a lesson he has to learn more than once. Ask me how I know.

 

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Well, this thread has helped me to articulate in my own mind what is so stressful to me about it. Some of it is practical.....I can't afford to keep buying new clothes for him as he keeps gaining weight.

 

But the other part is that I feel restricted in how I deal with my own son and I resent that. Part of my mothering my son is feeding him....he doesn't like cooking his own stuff and he considers it an act of love for me to make him lunch or snack or whatever. So for instance I would make my son a special grilled cheese with a lot of fat and calories in it.......but I don't want to offer that to dss! However it feels rude to not offer him something....but still rude to say hey want an apple? Lol....dss doesn't mine getting his own food and he is very aware he can't eat what ds eats....so this is probably all in my own head.

 

Congrats to your son on weight loss. And yes, I totally agree that ds needs some exercise but it isn't the total answer. He has to cut back on what he eats. Skip seconds, have popcorn with a spray of butter for a snack instead of ice cream....that kind of thing.

 

 

It's already been established that your son's weight is fine. There's no need for pushing anything with "a lot of fat and calories in it." If you want to make your son a grilled cheese, offer it to both boys and be done with it; you don't have to change your parenting style. Your stepson needs to decide to make the changes for himself - your pushing it won't help.  I think joining a gym is a good idea.

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Yeah, just make the grilled cheese and be done with it. Add some sliced apples and a handful of carrots to both plates. You can feed your one son enough to maintain his weight and your other son can still lose weight on the same number of calories.

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