Rant! My fertility is NOT a disease!!!!!!

[Arcadia]

Your mom cross the line though with her phone call even if she is babysitting your kids for free. There are more tactful ways to ask. My relatives did ask if we were going to try for a third child but health and finances made us stop at two. My parents bankrolled our baby expenses as my husband had a few months of unemployment. My relatives also chipped in with cash for my kids expenses.

 

So far the weirdest comment my husband get were if our kids are his. Our kids look more like him than me but he gets asked because our kids always yell for mommy when they want anything.

 

I guess two is the only acceptable number?? Unless they're the same gender. Then of course one gets, "Aren't you going to try for a girl/boy?" Sigh.

I still get that and my youngest boy is already 11 years old. I also get the "you want built in playmates" comment even though my kids don't play together. They behave more like two only child when it comes to playing rather than siblings.

[Sallie Mae]

I've always thought every life was a miracle, but came to believe that even more after dealing with secondary infertility and multiple miscarriages. Once, after having another miscarriage, I was traveling to visit family. I had my son, who was about 6 years old, walking beside me at a rest stop when I saw a family of about 10 kids walk by. I was moved to tears by the beauty of the family and then realized the mom was getting very negative looks from people. That was probably the first time I called out, "What a beautiful family!" Though I had to compose myself not to start bawling, I wanted encourage that mom. 

I say it now on a regular basis.

 

I now say "What a beautiful family" on a regular basis, but I've often wanted to say something like "You go, Mom!" "You are Wonder Woman!", but I don't want to offend a mom, just encourage her. I firmly believe in blessing someone whenever possible and a kind word can go a long way.

 

I am happy to say the Lord was incredibly kind to my family and added to our family through adoption after a long journey of many years. Now, I smile and say, "This is my daughter, ...." so people know that though I am an older, I'm the Mama and not the Grandma. You should see the looks I get! I just smile and know there is no where else in the world I would rather be than running after my daughter. She is an answer to prayer and though most people my age are transitioning into more freedom and less heavy lifting raising children, I'm just ramping up. Yeah for me. :)

[rose]

I got similar comments and I only have 3.  I once ran into one of my former high school teachers when I was out with my three kids shortly after my youngest was born.  He looked at me and my kids in disgust and said, "You do know how kids are made, right?"  I have never slapped/punched someone, but I really was tempted to punch that smirk off his face that day.

 

:grouphug: Katy.

 

 

The correct answer to that question is, "NO! Tell me! I always wanted to know!" :D

 

[MercyA]

I have to say I am just fascinated by large families. I try not to stare too much or if I do I smile and say something nice like, 'lovely family.'  

 

Me, too, but I'm pretty much just nosy about people in general, I think. I love to people watch, but I'm always afraid people will think I'm looking at them critically. I'm often really just thinking that their hair is cool or their t-shirt is funny or their family looks happy.  :)

[Word Nerd]

Don't let the b******s get you down. :grouphug:

[AmandaVT]

Yep. Cuts both ways. I'm an only and have an only.

 

I guess two is the only acceptable number?? Unless they're the same gender. Then of course one gets, "Aren't you going to try for a girl/boy?" Sigh.

 

If I see a large group out somewhere, I'll sometimes ask, "Are all these beautiful children yours?" If I get a "Yes," I follow up with, "Oh, I think big families are so cool!"

 

Yup, I think two must be the magic number. BUT, they have to be one of each and appropriately spaced. :-) My brother and sis in law have 2, 17 months apart and they get asked all the time about it. People will come right up to them and ask if my niece was an accident....

[Tanaqui]

I've always thought every life was a miracle, but came to believe that even more after dealing with secondary infertility and multiple miscarriages. Once, after having another miscarriage, I was traveling to visit family. I had my son, who was about 6 years old, walking beside me at a rest stop when I saw a family of about 10 kids walk by. I was moved to tears by the beauty of the family and then realized the mom was getting very negative looks from people. That was probably the first time I called out, "What a beautiful family!" Though I had to compose myself not to start bawling, I wanted encourage that mom. 

I say it now on a regular basis.

 

That sounds so rough! I'm sorry you had to deal with multiple miscarriages. How fortunate you are that you were able to grow your family the way you did!

[Tanaqui]

Yup, I think two must be the magic number. BUT, they have to be one of each and appropriately spaced. :-) My brother and sis in law have 2, 17 months apart and they get asked all the time about it. People will come right up to them and ask if my niece was an accident....

 

If they're too far apart you get questions too, it seems. I witness this a lot in my neighborhood, because there are many mothers who had one child as a teenager and then had the rest of their kids once they were in their late-20s, early-30s. People ask "Is this baby your firstborn" and then get weird when told that no, the firstborn is in high school!

 

[111]

People have no gauge of responsibility and are selfish, so having more children, aka more responsibility, is a burden to them not a blessing.

 

However, I am very sorry this happens to you OP. I have 2 and one on the way, I don't get comments rn but I do get a lot of "Well I bet #3 was a surprise!" Um no, they were intentional.  <_<

 

**just a note, why the heck does this forum HATE certain letters on my keyboard? It is just this site, it is not my typing I do not get it. I have to edit a lot because typos appear and no where else does this happen?

 

(I type fast but seriously. Not that fast.)

Edited August 16, 2017 by KeepingItReal

[Tanaqui]

Wow, that's not a very nice thing to say. It almost sounds like you're saying everybody who chooses to have a smaller family, or no children at all, is selfish and irresponsible. I'm sure I'm reading that wrong.

Edited August 16, 2017 by Tanaqui

[PinkTulip]

I have 4 boys within 5 years of each other, so super close in age. They're all teenagers now, and whenever we all go out together, even still, people stare like the circus is in town, and I get a lot of comments asking if they're all mine. When they were younger and we were at a restaurant, I can't even begin to tell you how many times people would ask to move tables to not be so close to us. People see 4 boys and expect them to be wild, but I was always super strict about using nice manners so my kids would sit there politely.

[goldberry]

I will never ceased to be shocked that people can be this rude, either to family or strangers.  Rude and invasive.  I am so sorry!

[DesertBlossom]

People who think large families are a burden on society have it all wrong. Babies born into loving homes, whether it's 2 or 7 or 14, are going to be just fine. It's the babies born where they aren't wanted or loved or cared for that we should be concerned about. Those babies, in addition to being in heartbreaking situations, are the ones who become a "burden" to society (and I don't mean it's their fault) when social services or educational services have to step in and help. There are so many things to worry about, but big happy families aren't one of them.

[Scarlett]

I have 4 boys within 5 years of each other, so super close in age. They're all teenagers now, and whenever we all go out together, even still, people stare like the circus is in town, and I get a lot of comments asking if they're all mine. When they were younger and we were at a restaurant, I can't even begin to tell you how many times people would ask to move tables to not be so close to us. People see 4 boys and expect them to be wild, but I was always super strict about using nice manners so my kids would sit there politely.

 

 

:ohmy:   People are so rude.  

[Tanaqui]

There is a tendency for people with fewer kids to have more disposable income, which ironically can mean they get used to a higher standard of living and spend more per person.  Things like more new clothes, airplane vacations

 

Yeah. If you're not making an effort to limit your footprint, you've got no call to criticize others.

 

In the west I think to some extent, smaller families have inadvertently pushed up the expectations for a middle class lifestyle, worldwide.  I do't think that's actually sustainable with even moderate population levels.

 

And I can see how people in developing nations think it's not fair for us to say "Pshaw, you need to limit your consumption and have fewer kids!" when we're not doing a darn thing to limit our own consumption. How is it right to say "You poor people in India need to keep living in hovels" when in the US, families drive everywhere? (A family of ten in a village Ethiopia is probably consuming less than my family of five.)

 

But I do support making it easy for people who don't want more children - here or elsewhere - to limit their family sizes. Free, reliable contraception to everybody who wants it. More education. Greater access to health care, so people know that their kids will grow to adulthood.

 

I think we're all better off when the people with large families are only the ones who really really want large families, that's all. And then the people who don't really want them don't have to have any more kids than they really really want.

[Scarlett]

People who think large families are a burden on society have it all wrong. Babies born into loving homes, whether it's 2 or 7 or 14, are going to be just fine. It's the babies born where they aren't wanted or loved or cared for that we should be concerned about. Those babies, in addition to being in heartbreaking situations, are the ones who become a "burden" to society (and I don't mean it's their fault) when social services or educational services have to step in and help. There are so many things to worry about, but big happy families aren't one of them.

 

 

QFT.  I have so many friends right now that are fostering.....and I cannot believe how many kids need homes.  It is just shocking to me.  These rude strangers commenting on family size should spend their energy helping foster kids instead of judging happy families.

[Tanaqui]

Be reasonable, Scarlett. Do you really think such judgmental people are going to do any good for their foster kids? Better keep them far, far away. I wouldn't want to subject those poor kids to anybody so rude!

[Rosika]

Wow, that's not a very nice thing to say. It almost sounds like you're saying everybody who chooses to have a smaller family, or no children at all, is selfish and irresponsible. I'm sure I'm reading that wrong.

 

I can see how it reads that way now that you point it out. But I originally read it as though she were speaking from the point of view of someone who might make the kind of comment the OP is complaining about. I don't get the sense that she is speaking her own perspective. I hope not, anyway.  :huh:

[Guest]

Wow, that's not a very nice thing to say. It almost sounds like you're saying everybody who chooses to have a smaller family, or no children at all, is selfish and irresponsible. I'm sure I'm reading that wrong.

I read it as the poster saying that is the unconscious sentiment being expressed in those comments. People project onto you what they, themselves, are comfortable or uncomfortable with and think that means it is true for you, too.

[Rosika]

In my suburb, people have an only child or they have 3-4 kids. Two isn't that common, even if they're different genders. In my religious community  the next city over, 4-6 is the norm and you're not considered a "big" family until you fill up an entire pew. That is about 10 little kids or 8 teenagers. Families of that size aren't common, but they're also not unusual in our parish. 

 

I am from a big family. I chose to keep my family small, but I guess that's relative if the OP is hearing her family of four is big. 

[Lori D.]

re: the hurtful, unthinking, and downright rude comments strangers make in public

 

Quiet and non-aggressive person here, but I sometimes *wish* I had the guts to raise an eyebrow like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, and in a very unemotional voice respond: "And you felt you needed to blurt out your rude and unsolicited opinion because...??"

Edited August 16, 2017 by Lori D.

[gardenmom5]

It's because you crossed the "threshold" of 3.

 

I remember being in the hospital with my fourth who had some liver problems as a newborn.  I can't count the times I was asked if she was my first and, when I said--no, my fourth--jaws dropped and they said--oh, my!

 

One time, I looked over at the Orthodox Jewish woman in the waiting room, whose sixth was on her lap, and we smiled and kinda rolled our eyes.  What I began to do is say to myself--yes, I am a superwoman!  (Of course, my good friend has 9, which makes me feel like a light weight. LOL)

 

The other interesting thing, which I liked, but doesn't happen now that I leave them at home, is that older women in the grocery story would come up quietly to me and tell me how seeing us reminded her of shopping with her 4, 5 or 6 children. They were so delighted to see our "big" family that it made me feel like I'd done my good deed of the day by showing up with my crew.

 

So, remember--you are a super woman.

 

oh no - I started getting snotty comments when I was pg with #3.   the first was so memorable because it was from a gas station attendant. (hey guy - I own my house, and my car is paid for.  how's that basement apartment wherein you dwell, and that clunker you drive?)

 

I lectured him on population sustainability/replacement #s.  I should have let dh complain to his boss.

 

I had my ped's nurse give me instructions on how to wean my 12 month old . . . . "I'm not a new mom, I've done this before. this is my fourth".  "they're all yours?"  she thought they were either being babysat or step kids.  just . . . wow.

 

Wow. Some people have no manners and no class.

 

I really prefer the days when people didn't hang all of their dirty laundry on social media.  at least then, busybodies felt they had to whisper their nasty remarks instead of saying them to our faces because they seem to equate "some people airing all on SM = "every one airing all everywhere and free for them to comment upon".

[gardenmom5]

re: the hurtful, unthinking, and downright rude comments strangers make in public

 

Quiet and non-aggressive person here, but I sometimes *wish* I had the guts to raise an eyebrow like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, and in a very unemotional voice respond: "And you felt you needed to blurt out your rude and unsolicited opinion because...??"

 

if you are too shy to be so bold - might I suggest something more reticent -but more effective?

"why would you say that?"

[AnnE-girl]

Well, you are Catholic, aren't you? ;-)

 

When my dad's mom moved into a retirement home, another resident noticed how she had regular visits from her multiple middle-aged children, young adult grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. The woman asked just how many children Grandma had, and when she said she had six, the woman replied, "You must be Catholic." I try to be charitable and assume the woman was just jealous that my grandma had so many visitors.

 

We have a slightly larger home, but I would be willing to bet that my family with three kids has a smaller carbon footprint than my child free SIL and her husband. We don't travel nearly as much as they do, and have far fewer electronics and other toys. They traveled to Sweden to pick up SIL's new Volvo and have it shipped back a few years ago. I've also never ripped out and redone my kitchen just because it's slightly dated. They will be the first to talk about the dangers of overpopulation though.

[Lori D.]

... the days when people didn't hang all of their dirty laundry on social media.  at least then, busybodies felt they had to whisper their nasty remarks instead of saying them to our faces because they seem to equate "some people airing all on SM = "every one airing all everywhere and free for them to comment upon".

 

I think you've hit on it here -- talk radio and a culture that encourages us that we can only be completely fulfilled when we share all of our opinions freely and often, regardless of the effects on others, has created an environment where people regularly not only "hit and run" with their comments "anonymously" online, but are also doing so much more freely in public as well.

Edited August 16, 2017 by Lori D.

[Scarlett]

Be reasonable, Scarlett. Do you really think such judgmental people are going to do any good for their foster kids? Better keep them far, far away. I wouldn't want to subject those poor kids to anybody so rude!

 

 

True.  

[Caclcoca]

It drives me crazy that people feel they can comment on other people's family size.  While I was pregnant with #3 I had someone ask me why I would want another child.  I already had a boy and a girl.  What?!?

 

While I was pregnant with #4 I had someone ask if I had gotten pregnant on purpose.  I said yes, and then proceeded to tell them that my first three children were so awesome that I couldn't imagine depriving the world of a 4th.  (I promise I don't think my children are the special snowflakes of the world.  I was just tired of people seeing them as a burden instead of a blessing.)

 

I once overheard my dh telling a lady that we had three boys and one girl.  She said, "Oh, you finally got your girl." He replied with no we got her second. We finally got our third son.  

 

OP, I am sorry that people are being so rude to you.  It seems you are in good company though.

[rose]

This topic gets me going.

 

Firstly, I think that grandparents are often the worst offenders because they're personally embarrassed to report to their friends how many grandchildren they have. My mil routinely mentions how people stare when she says that she has 16. She always gets the follow up question of how many children she has. Our clan throws her numbers off. A little perspective would help though. I know one lady from an Old Order Mennonite community that said that if her parents were still alive they would have 198 grandchildren! Now that's a lot of grandchildren!

 

One of my favourite things to say to people that make comments that are snarky or even just surprised is to say something like, "Oh, I like children." The people who are being rude are usually a little taken aback and put on the defensive because usually it reveals to them that they don't in fact actually like their children.

 

I haven't been able to use this line yet but I'm saving it. A friend of mine with a large family loves to take some of children out and when people ask him if they're all his he'll say, "Oh no! I've got more at home!" :D

 

The weirdest comments that I ever got were when I was pregnant with my oldest ds and had just adopted my oldest dd as a newborn as well as when they were babies together. One fellow on transist pointed to my very pregnant belly and said, "What's that? A little cellulose left over from the pregnancy?" I internally laughed at the idea of being a tree with cellulose but just kindly told him that I was pregnant. He then said quite loudly, "AGAIN!?" I don't think all was right in his mind.

 

Another fellow who noticed my babies said in a sly sort of way, "you two must've gotten busy." blech.

 

Another lady asked me why my sister didn't abort my dd when she found out she was adopted from my sister. I think I said, "because she didn't want to kill her baby." People can be so rude.

 

You definitely have my sympathy.

[Tanaqui]

I can see how it reads that way now that you point it out. But I originally read it as though she were speaking from the point of view of someone who might make the kind of comment the OP is complaining about. I don't get the sense that she is speaking her own perspective. I hope not, anyway.  :huh:

 

I guess that makes sense. You have to be really a jerk to say something like the comments in this thread to another person's very face, anyway.

[Guest]

This topic gets me going.

 

Firstly, I think that grandparents are often the worst offenders because they're personally embarrassed to report to their friends how many grandchildren they have. My mil routinely mentions how people stare when she says that she has 16. She always gets the follow up question of how many children she has. Our clan throws her numbers off. A little perspective would help though. I know one lady from an Old Order Mennonite community that said that if her parents were still alive they would have 198 grandchildren! Now that's a lot of grandchildren!

 

One of my favourite things to say to people that make comments that are snarky or even just surprised is to say something like, "Oh, I like children." The people who are being rude are usually a little taken aback and put on the defensive because usually it reveals to them that they don't in fact actually like their children.

 

I haven't been able to use this line yet but I'm saving it. A friend of mine with a large family loves to take some of children out and when people ask him if they're all his he'll say, "Oh no! I've got more at home!" :D

 

The weirdest comments that I ever got were when I was pregnant with my oldest ds and had just adopted my oldest dd as a newborn as well as when they were babies together. One fellow on transist pointed to my very pregnant belly and said, "What's that? A little cellulose left over from the pregnancy?" I internally laughed at the idea of being a tree with cellulose but just kindly told him that I was pregnant. He then said quite loudly, "AGAIN!?" I don't think all was right in his mind.

 

Another fellow who noticed my babies said in a sly sort of way, "you two must've gotten busy." blech.

 

Another lady asked me why my sister didn't abort my dd when she found out she was adopted from my sister. I think I said, "because she didn't want to kill her baby." People can be so rude.

 

You definitely have my sympathy.

If we count the boys my brother has raised my mom got eleven grandkids from two children. Add in her step children and we are up to seventeen grandkids. I think a whole lot of her grandma friends are more jealous than anything :D

 

And I'd have laughed at the cellulose comment too. Mistaken word choice does me in every time!

Edited August 16, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[Xahm]

I keep hoping someone asks me "you do know how that happens, right?" because I heard the best answer. "Well, we thought we had it figured out, but if that were the way, we'd have a few hundred at least."

I get lots of comments about how brave I am to take three kids (baby, three, five) shopping, to restaurants, etc alone. I generally either say, "the oldest keeps telling me she's old enough to babysit, but I haven't believes her yet" or "nah, they are good kids; it's ok."

[Junie]

My neighbor was at the grocery store with her large family.  The man behind her in the checkout line asked her how she was going to pay for college.  She just looked at him and asked, "Are you offering to help?"   :lol:

[regentrude]

The weirdest comments that I ever got were when I was pregnant with my oldest ds and had just adopted my oldest dd as a newborn as well as when they were babies together. One fellow on transist pointed to my very pregnant belly and said, "What's that? A little cellulose left over from the pregnancy?" I internally laughed at the idea of being a tree with cellulose but just kindly told him that I was pregnant. He then said quite loudly, "AGAIN!?" I don't think all was right in his mind.

 

I had a male co-worker say to me "you are pregnant AGAIN???" when I was pg with my DS. FWIW, my children are 2 years apart, so I don't think there is anything unusual about the spacing. I found that incredibly rude, especially since it was a relative stranger who should not have any opinion about this.

[gardenmom5]

Well, you are Catholic, aren't you? ;-)

 

When my dad's mom moved into a retirement home, another resident noticed how she had regular visits from her multiple middle-aged children, young adult grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. The woman asked just how many children Grandma had, and when she said she had six, the woman replied, "You must be Catholic." I try to be charitable and assume the woman was just jealous that my grandma had so many visitors.

 

We have a slightly larger home, but I would be willing to bet that my family with three kids has a smaller carbon footprint than my child free SIL and her husband. We don't travel nearly as much as they do, and have far fewer electronics and other toys. They traveled to Sweden to pick up SIL's new Volvo and have it shipped back a few years ago. I've also never ripped out and redone my kitchen just because it's slightly dated. They will be the first to talk about the dangers of overpopulation though.

 

yep.

 

I think you've hit on it here -- talk radio and a culture that encourages us that we can only be completely fulfilled when we share all of our opinions freely and often, regardless of the effects on others, has created an environment where people regularly not only "hit and run" with their comments "anonymously" online, but are also doing so much more freely in public as well.

 

don't leave out all the trashy tv talk shows.  or reddit, or instagram, or facebook or any other social media site.

 

I keep hoping someone asks me "you do know how that happens, right?" because I heard the best answer. "Well, we thought we had it figured out, but if that were the way, we'd have a few hundred at least."

I get lots of comments about how brave I am to take three kids (baby, three, five) shopping, to restaurants, etc alone. I generally either say, "the oldest keeps telling me she's old enough to babysit, but I haven't believes her yet" or "nah, they are good kids; it's ok."

 

one i've heard is - give a REALLY big self-satisfied smirk, and say "yes, I know".

 

or else play super dumb - and make them embarrass themselves getting more direct.  - no, where do babies come from?   

[trulycrabby]

Oh, this makes me so mad. I'm sorry.

[Noreen Claire]

If they're too far apart you get questions too, it seems. I witness this a lot in my neighborhood, because there are many mothers who had one child as a teenager and then had the rest of their kids once they were in their late-20s, early-30s. People ask "Is this baby your firstborn" and then get weird when told that no, the firstborn is in high school!

I get this a lot. When I'm out with the four younger boys, I inevitably get asked 'You have four boys?', to which I respond, 'No, I have FIVE boys.' If I'm asked his age, people often just stare at me, dumbstruck. (Youngest was born a week before oldest turned 21.)

 

What really gets me is when people say that I really have 'two families', because of the age gap between DS21 and DS8. That always makes me stabby...

[Renai]

It's a strange thing.  I've had a few comments lately, mostly not offensive, just surprised.  Four does seem to be the magic number.

 

I get some really shocked looks when I am out with six, including the two I babysit - they all look like they could be siblings.  I've had people ask if they are all mine and say "good!" when I say no.

 

I do think there are valid reason to think about numbers of kids born - either to a particular family, or in a worldwide sense.  However - I really do not like the way in popular thinking reproduction seems to have become more of a lifestyle choice than a biological fact.

 

I had that happen when I was pregnant with my second. I had my 10yo (mixed-race) daughter, then two I was babysitting - and they looked NOTHING alike. The two I was watching were blond-haired, blue-eyed, and would have been extremely unlikely they came out of me (although people may have thought adoption). It happened EVERY TIME I went out with the girls while I was pregnant. You could hear the relief in their answer. It would have only made 4, if the other girls were mine. That's not a lot of kids to me. Oh, but there's that magic number - 4.  :glare:

[rose]

I forgot to mention that the best response to rude parents that question fertility is to remind them that these are the very people that are going to visit them in a nursing home some day.

[gardenmom5]

I get this a lot. When I'm out with the four younger boys, I inevitably get asked 'You have four boys?', to which I respond, 'No, I have FIVE boys.' If I'm asked his age, people often just stare at me, dumbstruck. (Youngest was born a week before oldest turned 21.)

 

What really gets me is when people say that I really have 'two families', because of the age gap between DS21 and DS8. That always makes me stabby...

 

dudeling was born two weeks after 1dd turned 22.  just before she graduated college.

 

I got so many "was he planned?".  (how do you plan a baby?  do tell? - that should shut them up.)   then there are all the people who think we're the grandparents . . . .

1dd doesn't even bat an eye anymore when she's out with him and people think she's the mom - and if I'm there, I'm the grandma.

[medawyn]

I'm constantly surprised that anyone else's family size is considered an appropriate topic for discussion.  Unless you are the partner, someone providing financial assistance, or a medical professional providing reproductive assistance, zip your lips.

 

I had a n18ish yo bagger at the grocery checkout go on and on about how irresponsible big families were and how people made such bad decisions about having children when I was pregnant with number three.  The cashier (who I happen to know is mom to 4 and grandma to many) looked like she was forcibly trying to restrain herself from looking for something heavy to brain him with.  I just thanked him for his opinion and declined his assistance to the parking lot.

 

Having a boy and a girl as the first two definitely seems to open me up to more comments.  Why on earth would I want more children when I already have the perfect family?  :confused1: I told one nosy lady that we were having a third so that we could have a spare, and she was horrified.  I wanted to tell her that my response was no worse than her question.  

 

I'm a little sad that we are stopping at four; I always saw myself having a large family.  But the reality is that I think four is about all I can handle well, and DH feels certain that he's done, too.  Maybe if we started 5-8 years before we did, we'd take a break and have a few more once there were fewer toddlers and more people who can wipe their own behinds.  But that wasn't meant to be!

[gardenmom5]

I'm constantly surprised that anyone else's family size is considered an appropriate topic for discussion.  Unless you are the partner, someone providing financial assistance, or a medical professional providing reproductive assistance, zip your lips.

 

I had a n18ish yo bagger at the grocery checkout go on and on about how irresponsible big families were and how people made such bad decisions about having children when I was pregnant with number three.  The cashier (who I happen to know is mom to 4 and grandma to many) looked like she was forcibly trying to restrain herself from looking for something heavy to brain him with.  I just thanked him for his opinion and declined his assistance to the parking lot.

 

Having a boy and a girl as the first two definitely seems to open me up to more comments.  Why on earth would I want more children when I already have the perfect family?  :confused1: I told one nosy lady that we were having a third so that we could have a spare, and she was horrified.  I wanted to tell her that my response was no worse than her question.  

 

I'm a little sad that we are stopping at four; I always saw myself having a large family.  But the reality is that I think four is about all I can handle well, and DH feels certain that he's done, too.  Maybe if we started 5-8 years before we did, we'd take a break and have a few more once there were fewer toddlers and more people who can wipe their own behinds.  But that wasn't meant to be!

 

 

and this isn't new.  I was a "third" following the "perfect family" of a girl and a boy. . . I picked up that message as a child in the 60s.  one of the worst offenders WAS MY GRANDMOTHER.  interesting as my grandmother was one of ten girls . . . only three had large families.  three had one (with one dying in infancy) and one had two. - so three had none.

 

you, as a customer -were free to complain to that bagger's supervisor about his rudeness to a customer.   it would do him a world of good to learn at nary the age of 18 that some things are plain rude.  it might save him from being fired from a job as an adult with a family.

[Bluegoat]

Yeah. If you're not making an effort to limit your footprint, you've got no call to criticize others.

 

 

And I can see how people in developing nations think it's not fair for us to say "Pshaw, you need to limit your consumption and have fewer kids!" when we're not doing a darn thing to limit our own consumption. How is it right to say "You poor people in India need to keep living in hovels" when in the US, families drive everywhere? (A family of ten in a village Ethiopia is probably consuming less than my family of five.)

 

But I do support making it easy for people who don't want more children - here or elsewhere - to limit their family sizes. Free, reliable contraception to everybody who wants it. More education. Greater access to health care, so people know that their kids will grow to adulthood.

 

I think we're all better off when the people with large families are only the ones who really really want large families, that's all. And then the people who don't really want them don't have to have any more kids than they really really want.

 

I have mixed feelings.  I don't think it's great for people to all end up with giant families, and it's not sustainable.

 

But - there seems to be an attitude associated with the ability to control fertility - apart from abstinence obviously - which I find gets a little disturbing at times.  Rather than having children be a human thing, it becomes thought of almost a sort on consumer activity or luxury lifestyle choice.  People recognize the strong biological drive toward sexual activity, but somehow the availability of technology to limit the result makes us think that having kids is different.

[medawyn]

 

 

you, as a customer -were free to complain to that bagger's supervisor about his rudeness to a customer.   it would do him a world of good to learn at nary the age of 18 that some things are plain rude.  it might save him from being fired from a job as an adult with a family.

 

I have a feeling that cashier gave him a piece of her mind when I left and probably the manager, too. (I had my two littles with me, and I was d.o.n.e.)  She's awesome.  I haven't seen him since, so he either got let go or moved to a position where he wouldn't actually speak to customers  :lol:

[mamajag]

I have a friend with 8 children who was buying 6 pears, and the cashier commented on the quantity. She told her she had a large family, and when the cashier inquired how many children, she answered. The cashier asked, "Do you even know what causes THAT?!?" My friend, who has a wonderful girlish innocence about her, giggled and said mischievously, "I think it's the pears!"

I crack up every time she tells that story.

Edited August 17, 2017 by mamajag

[caedmyn]

This must be a regional thing to some extent...I have literally ever only gotten one negative comment about my (generally rambunctious and not particularly well-behaved) 5 children, and that was a random snarky comment from someone who just happened to be passing through the checkout area at a grocery store when we were there, and I wonder if he wasn't having a really bad day or something.  Lots of "hands full" comments, and lots of "how do you handle so many boys??" comments, but I don't consider those negative and people don't appear to have a negative attitude when they're saying them.  

[ktgrok]

I get this a lot. When I'm out with the four younger boys, I inevitably get asked 'You have four boys?', to which I respond, 'No, I have FIVE boys.' If I'm asked his age, people often just stare at me, dumbstruck. (Youngest was born a week before oldest turned 21.)

 

What really gets me is when people say that I really have 'two families', because of the age gap between DS21 and DS8. That always makes me stabby...

Yup. That's a whole other issue...everyone feels they have to comment on the spacing as well. Sigh. 

[ktgrok]

I should add that my mother doesn't help support the kids, and babysits a few times a year. (she would do more often if I needed, but I don't). She just worries. She's convinced that childbirth is akin to running around on the highway at rush hour traffic and that tempting fate more than once or twice is asking to be killed. 

[mytwomonkeys]

I'm so sorry people are giving you a difficult time. Four kids isn't even a big family to me, so I'm genuinely surprised that people would be so weird about it. ((Hugs to you)). I totally understand your feeling upset.

[wendyroo]

This must be a regional thing to some extent...I have literally ever only gotten one negative comment about my (generally rambunctious and not particularly well-behaved) 5 children, and that was a random snarky comment from someone who just happened to be passing through the checkout area at a grocery store when we were there, and I wonder if he wasn't having a really bad day or something.  Lots of "hands full" comments, and lots of "how do you handle so many boys??" comments, but I don't consider those negative and people don't appear to have a negative attitude when they're saying them.  

 

:iagree:

 

I have never gotten a negative reaction.  Lots of "hands full", lots of nostalgic "reminds me of when I used to take my 4 shopping", lots of compliments when I take them all to a doctor's office or restaurant.

 

Lately I have been hearing some comments about how eager I must be for the older kids to go back to school.  But when I say that we homeschool, then that normally gets a positive reaction as well.

 

Wendy

[RootAnn]

I was in the OB's office waiting room after having #3 when a rude old man asked me if I knew what caused that (children). I told him that I did & I liked doing it. :drool: He didn't get the hint & went on to tell me about how he's taking care of his daughter's kids now because she is a tramp.  :crying:

 

When I was in another doctor's office with my first four, I got asked if they were all mine. (Four of my five look like my DH. Only dd#3 looks like me. I knew that's what she was referring to. I decided to misunderstand on purpose.) I said yes - that he (ds#1) only looks different because he's a BOY. (If you can't see my sig, I have three girls & then two boys.)  :laugh: The nurse shut up at that point.

 

My mom is proud to say how many grandkids she has (16). It is one of her very few positive comments in life. Several of her friends are grand-children-starved with 0 to 2.

 

I'm sorry you've got such an insensitive MIL, Katie.  :grouphug: