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Should I say something?


lynn
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Ds is getting married in march. He posted on Facebook that he found the venue. Problem I s horrible for grandparents to get to. Fil can't walk over unsteady ground or more than a few feet My parents can't walk unstable ground. There's not a lot of room for chairs and only small pavilion with not facilities to keep food at correct temperatures. They haven't included us as they just started planning, which is fine as groom parents we cover rehearsal dinner and our family lodgings, wedding clothes for siblings as far as I know. But if it comes up I can't agree to a place grandparents can't get to safely. Speak up now or wait and see?

Edited by lynn
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I would definitely say something to my kids, like "there's no way grandma and grandpa will be able to walk up there without considerable effort :/"

 

But I know that my kid would be ok with me saying that without taking it as a criticism. If you have the type of relationship where you don't have to worry about people feeling bad feels, say something. If you don't have that type of relationship, still say something if you think your ds will want his grandparents there.

 

But maybe there is a solution for the venue, like a plywood walkway? Or something more stable that I don't know about?

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I think many young couples (ourselves included, back in the day) have to learn that if they want a family wedding (as opposed to eloping or doing something just with friends), plans need to accommodate people of various ages and abilities, in ways they might not normally deal with in their everyday lives. 

 

If they want grandparents there, the venue needs to be workable for the older generation. You're not being controlling or intrusive if you talk with them about it. I'd probably practice the wording, myself, to make sure it doesn't come across that way.

 

Amy

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I would bring up the concerns now.  At the same time, though, I'd ask whether the venue would be accessible to them with wheelchairs that someone else pushes.  In my experience, getting people over the hump to accept a wheelchair can make an enormous difference in their quality of life.  Allowing their son and his fiancee to have their dream wedding might be the motivation to get over that hump.  And, compared to the cost of a wedding, the cost of renting 3 wheelchairs for the day is a drop in a bucket.  

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Sure, I would say something!  "Just want to be sure you know this - {these people} won't be able to attend because of their physical limitations."    And I guess that's all I would say though it would be hard not to say more.  Oh, I would say it to both bride and groom, if possible. Some grooms I have known are hesitant to make any comments or suggestions about the wedding to their bride-to-be.  Not saying your son is (how would I know?) but just relating my experience.  Some brides and their mothers don't want input from the groom at all.  You want to be sure both parties hear it. 

 

I don't think I would mention the food issues.  Maybe they are not planning on a meal, or hot food, etc.  

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I would diplomatically, think friendly non judgmental sound of voice, mention that elderly relatives would not be able to attend. Let it marinate. If for some reason it is a special spot for the bride and family, they might get a golf cart or two for ferrying elderly folks.

 

My niece's wedding was in her inlaw's back yard which from the parking area had too steep of a hill for elderly folks. They rented the parking lot of the UMC church one block away, and had two golf carts there with drivers to take people back and forth. Dh was one of the drivers and had a blast the whole time.

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I wouldn't say "then they wouldn't be able to attend".  I'd ask it as a question "What your plan for Grandma and Grandpa?"  It may be that they already have a plan (golf carts and wheelchairs?  Installing walkways?), or that this will spur them to.  

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I would say something about the grandparents, and offer the golf cart idea as a possible solution.   Chances are, like most young couples I know who are getting married, it was just an oversight and not intentional.  If the bride also has elderly grandparents, perhaps her parents will bring up the same concerns and you can work on a solution together.

 

I would not say anything about the food.   If they plan to have food on site, their caterer will mention it or offer a solution.

 

My niece got married last year at a "park" which was just a big open field on the waterfront.   It was a beautiful location, but not very guest-friendly, but thankfully she had help from a wedding coordinator who arranged for chairs for guests and directed the wedding.   They had no decorations other than a simple runner, and it was just what the couple wanted.   The reception was at a nearby restaurant, so there was no food at the wedding site.

 

If they don't already have one, perhaps you could offer to pay for a wedding coordinator (who would think about the contingencies that concern you)?   This could be your wedding gift.

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I guess one question I have is whether the location is actually one where there would be no way for grandparents to attend, or one where there would need to be problem solving for grandparents to attend.  Could a wheelchair, walkway, golf cart etc . . . solve the problem?  

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They may not intend for everyone to view the ceremony. Perhaps they figure folks can go to the reception (if held elsewhere)?  Our niece is flying back to Chicago from Santa Fe (where she is a  pastry chef) to get married - we are not invited (her cousins are BUMMED) to the ceremony since the couple decided to have it in late October at six PM at the outdoor  lily pool in Lincoln Park (right by Lake Michigan).  Odds are they will freeze their bits off. There is really only space for the couple, parents and siblings. The reception starts at six at a nearby museum - to that, we are all invited.   My SIL is not happy about the small, exclusive wedding itself, but her dd is in her mid-20s now and the couple can afford to pay for it all themselves pretty much (he is a chef in Santa Fe).

Edited by JFSinIL
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