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Weird Cleaning Lady Situation


AFwife Claire
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We had a cleaning lady (plus her helper) come every 2 weeks starting the end of March (first time ever for this).  In the beginning of June, I told her at the end of the cleaning that we needed to take a break for the summer.  We were going to be having company as well as traveling, plus we are trying to paint/rearrange rooms upstairs now that we will have our oldest 2 sons in college.  In my mind, I was thinking I'd text her in August sometime about when I wanted her to start back up.

 

Well, my dh was never thrilled with them.  He felt like they missed things (which I never noticed, honestly), but more importantly, they broke random small things weirdly.  For example, one of them while cleaning our wall ovens, somehow pressed some combination of buttons that turned the clock to military time (so the afternoon hours are 1300, etc), and we have not been able to get it back, no matter what we press.  Another time, when one was cleaning our main floor sink, she pushed the drain plug thing down so hard that it came off the little thing that raises it up and down, so no water drained.  My dh had to remove the pipe under the sink to push it back up again!  Stuff like that--not malicious, but we find little things later, and it makes my dh really mad, and me really stressed, lol.  So in talking with him this summer, we were thinking that we wouldn't have them come back. I was going to text her after we got both sons off to college to say that right now, our finances are tight, so we need to not have a cleaning lady for awhile (definitely true!).

 

So this morning, I was getting ready to go on a walk at 8:15, when the front door opened.  To my utter surprise, it was the cleaning lady and her helper!  She came in saying, "Ohhh, I see you forget about me" because the house is a disaster area, lol.  We're preparing to leave tomorrow to take DS2 to college, and getting ready for the cleaning lady has been the last thing on my mind!  I hemmed and hawed awkwardly, apologizing for the house, and saying it really was NOT going to work for them to clean today.  She suggested that they clean upstairs while I pick up the main floor, but really, just NO!  We have suitcases and laundry everywhere, plus a big rubbermaid tub of stuff for DS--it's a mess!

 

She kept saying, "Well, what we going to do now??", while I kept repeating that today was not going to work.  She said that I had told her back in the beginning of June not to come in June because of company and July because of travel, but that I wanted her to start again in August, so she had written down my name on the first Wednesday in August.  I really can't remember exactly what I said (and clearly I wasn't clear?!) but I was definitely thinking the end of August I would contact her to tell her when to come back, after we had gotten the boys off to college, and school was starting again.  I never dreamed she would just show up without checking with me!  

 

SO what ended up happening--she told me I needed to pay her half of the amount for next time today, and then the rest when she came back in September to clean the next time.  I wrote the check, because by that time I was really feeling awkward, but I have no intention of letting her come back anymore, because it was all just so weird!  I'm going to wait a week and then text her what I was originally planning to write, considering what I paid her today as a severance or something.

 

Like I said before, this is my first experience having a regular cleaning lady.  A casual friend of mine recommended her when I had posted on FB that I was looking for someone.  I was wanting to get estimates from a few different people that had been recommended, but this lady came over the next day, told me what it would cost, and said she would come back the next day (Wednesday), so I just went with her because it was easy, and I don't like conflict, lol.  With pretty much anyone around here, since I don't speak Spanish, I feel like I'm at a disadvantage.

 

I guess what I want to know is, is this all normal??  Should I not have expected to text her when I wanted to start up again?  When we were talking in early June, she never said, "You mean the first week of August" or anything specific when I was saying we needed a break for the summer.  Is it normal to have little things be broken all the time?  Is that just a cost of housecleaning?  I really would like to find someone again, but now I'm just very unsure of myself.  It was just . . . awkward all around.  

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I wouldn't have written the check but at this point, that is done.......... but I'd definitely call it off permanently in no uncertain terms.

 

Yep.  She was waaaaay out of line.  Although I do imagine she was anxious to get back to work, because when cleaning people plan on having certain jobs and then they get told there will be a break it is really hard...do they hold your spot?  Or what?  

 

But regardless she was wrong.  And I hope you change your locks immediately. Before you tell her not to come back.

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She made a mistake, and you don't want her back.  I can totally understand her wanting to be paid for coming - I'm sure she needs the money, and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she really thought you wanted her, thus did not look for other work for that day.

 

In you shoes, I'd ask your husband to call her and tell her not to come any more.  And you follow up confirming by text that your check was your final payment and you need no more cleaning services in the future. 

 

"The misunderstanding about August __ was unfortunate.  I am confirming that we do not want cleaning services in August nor September nor any time in the future.  Check # ___ was our final payment for your services.  Best wishes."

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Ugh. Awkward. I'm sorry.

 

But maybe it just boils down to your cleaning lady is extremely comfortable being assertive and you're extremely uncomfortable being assertive?

 

I am the latter and would have felt awkward, freaked out, and guilty about the situation, but I always reassure myself that assertive people are not even giving the situation another thought because that's just the way they live their lives. Assertively. Being clear and direct and unambiguous about they want even if it causes another person temporary discomfort. Sometimes unassertive people can be very puzzling to assertive people, and they aren't necessarily trying to steamroll us, I'm sure, they're just wondering what the heck all our hemming and hawing and making desperate, trying-not-to-hurt-your-feelings statements really mean.

 

I'd assume she made an honest error, then thought she'd still be able to clean and had a hard time reading whether or not you were going to agree so decided to be persistent. I will say that my husband is from a different culture, and they treat their household help very differently. I hate it, but I am imagining what some of my in-laws would do in your shoes, and it would probably have been to castigate the cleaner for showing up unannounced, castigate her for putting something on her calendar that they'd NEVER implied, and try to shame her into providing her services gratis in exchange for the trouble she'd caused and the interruption to their schedule. Again, I am not saying this is what you should have done, but just that it's possible that she could have misread your uncertainty, surprise, and lack of self-defense differently due to her own expectations about your relationship. Who knows? I do think if you hire help you have to be comfortable being the boss, from telling someone she is doing a shoddy job, or needs to fix something that was broken, to saying, "No, you need to leave now, and I don't appreciate you entering without knocking." (I sound like a jerk, I think, but this is why I don't hire a cleaning person. I would totally be the person quickly dusting the cobwebs post-cleaning-lady before my husband could see what a poor job she'd done and complain.)

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Ugh. Awkward. I'm sorry.

 

But maybe it just boils down to your cleaning lady is extremely comfortable being assertive and you're extremely uncomfortable being assertive?

 

I am the latter and would have felt awkward, freaked out, and guilty about the situation, but I always reassure myself that assertive people are not even giving the situation another thought because that's just the way they live their lives. Assertively. Being clear and direct and unambiguous about they want even if it causes another person temporary discomfort. Sometimes unassertive people can be very puzzling to assertive people, and they aren't necessarily trying to steamroll us, I'm sure, they're just wondering what the heck all our hemming and hawing and making desperate, trying-not-to-hurt-your-feelings statements really mean.

 

I'd assume she made an honest error, then thought she'd still be able to clean and had a hard time reading whether or not you were going to agree so decided to be persistent. I will say that my husband is from a different culture, and they treat their household help very differently. I hate it, but I am imagining what some of my in-laws would do in your shoes, and it would probably have been to castigate the cleaner for showing up unannounced, castigate her for putting something on her calendar that they'd NEVER implied, and try to shame her into providing her services gratis in exchange for the trouble she'd caused and the interruption to their schedule. Again, I am not saying this is what you should have done, but just that it's possible that she could have misread your uncertainty, surprise, and lack of self-defense differently due to her own expectations about your relationship. Who knows? I do think if you hire help you have to be comfortable being the boss, from telling someone she is doing a shoddy job, or needs to fix something that was broken, to saying, "No, you need to leave now, and I don't appreciate you entering without knocking." (I sound like a jerk, I think, but this is why I don't hire a cleaning person. I would totally be the person quickly dusting the cobwebs post-cleaning-lady before my husband could see what a poor job she'd done and complain.)

:crying:  This is so me. I HATE confrontation. Unless it's with my kids. I have no problems telling them to shape up or do the job right. Sometimes I have to consciously put myself in "mom mode" when dealing w/ contractors, etc.

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Mine has my house key. But she only uses it if we aren't home.

 

 

I know a lot of people who clean houses.  Some have keys and some don't.  I wouldn't give a key until I really really trusted someone.  But regardless THIS cleaning lady is about to be let go and so the locks need to be changed.  Especially with how aggressive she was.

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I know a lot of people who clean houses.  Some have keys and some don't.  I wouldn't give a key until I really really trusted someone.  But regardless THIS cleaning lady is about to be let go and so the locks need to be changed.  Especially with how aggressive she was.

 

Oh, I had her for about a year before I gave her the key. She's the reason I work.... I'd rather work an extra day every two weeks than clean my house. I hate cleaning.

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How embarrassing for both of you! We just got back from a about a months vacation. I made an appointment with the cleaning lady ahead of time for when we got back. (Because we like her and I need her!) And she texted the day before to confirm. She always texts the day before to confirm even though we are on a pretty regular every other week schedule. I think I would have reacted the same as you in this situation. I hope you can resolve it without too much more awkwardness!

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I have had a lot of cleaning services and people and what you are describing is not normal.  I would just tell her you no longer need her services and get your key back.  I would probably change my locks, too.  Like you, I hate conflict (and I'm an attorney, LOL) so I get it.  I'd probably beg my husband to make the call telling her not to come back.

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What....you gave her your house key? Did she open your front door??? Or did you let her in?

No, no, she doesn't have a house key!  Our front door is usually unlocked during the day because we have older kids who come and go as they please.  They like to run in the mornings, or have early dual-enrollment classes during the school year, or whatever, so my husband unlocks the front door when he leaves, and then it stays unlocked mostly throughout the day.  People are always around!  The cleaning lady is used to just coming in and saying hello, which is what she did today.  Startled the crap out of me though when I realized it wasn't my oldest son!  But then I was very much on the defensive, feeling all discombobulated and surprised!

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Ugh. Awkward. I'm sorry.

 

But maybe it just boils down to your cleaning lady is extremely comfortable being assertive and you're extremely uncomfortable being assertive?

 

I am the latter and would have felt awkward, freaked out, and guilty about the situation, but I always reassure myself that assertive people are not even giving the situation another thought because that's just the way they live their lives. Assertively. Being clear and direct and unambiguous about they want even if it causes another person temporary discomfort. Sometimes unassertive people can be very puzzling to assertive people, and they aren't necessarily trying to steamroll us, I'm sure, they're just wondering what the heck all our hemming and hawing and making desperate, trying-not-to-hurt-your-feelings statements really mean.

 

I'd assume she made an honest error, then thought she'd still be able to clean and had a hard time reading whether or not you were going to agree so decided to be persistent. I will say that my husband is from a different culture, and they treat their household help very differently. I hate it, but I am imagining what some of my in-laws would do in your shoes, and it would probably have been to castigate the cleaner for showing up unannounced, castigate her for putting something on her calendar that they'd NEVER implied, and try to shame her into providing her services gratis in exchange for the trouble she'd caused and the interruption to their schedule. Again, I am not saying this is what you should have done, but just that it's possible that she could have misread your uncertainty, surprise, and lack of self-defense differently due to her own expectations about your relationship. Who knows? I do think if you hire help you have to be comfortable being the boss, from telling someone she is doing a shoddy job, or needs to fix something that was broken, to saying, "No, you need to leave now, and I don't appreciate you entering without knocking." (I sound like a jerk, I think, but this is why I don't hire a cleaning person. I would totally be the person quickly dusting the cobwebs post-cleaning-lady before my husband could see what a poor job she'd done and complain.)

Boy, this sounds like a very good read on the situation! I definitely don't think she had any bad intentions; it was definitely a misunderstanding and lack of clear communication, and the different language/culture thing just made it worse.  But like you said, I'm sure she's gone on her merry way and not given this a second thought, while I have cogitated over it all day, trying to recall my exact wording from June, lol.  

 

And I guess I really am not comfortable being the boss (except with my own kids!), so maybe a cleaning lady is not right for me.  I really do need the help though.  I will still have 8 kids at home this school year, and I'm teaching physical science, chemistry, and AP chemistry for our co-op this year, as well as working on reading with 2 of my younger kids, trying to keep my girls on track with math, teaching my 15 year old to drive, and all the other stuff that has to happen/be taught/etc. . . . Gah!!

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I don't think she was so horribly awful. I'm picking up on cultural differences, not really aggression. Defensive, yes. Crossed wires, different expectations, nothing worse than that on either side. That doesn't mean I would allow any further debate, or pay any more money! Just that I'd try to let it go, blaming neither party too much.

 

I like SKL's script, which uses the word "misunderstanding" but leaves no room for doubt that the working agreement is terminated. Sending it in writing is good. No more living room drama...maybe lock the door for awhile until you know she's not coming back.

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I've also hired a number of different cleaning services over the years and never had a situation like that. I would definitely tell her ASAP that you won't be needing her services any more. And just for the record, you do not have to give her a reason. It is perfectly polite to say thanks so much, we have appreciated all of your hard work but we do not need you to come clean any more, wishing you all the best. But you should tell her right away so she can fill your time slot.

 

Also, IME, when you hire cleaning people, little stuff does occasionally get broken. It just does. Some are better than others about being careful, but inevitably there are these minor things that happen.

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It's possible that you weren't clear about the time she was supposed to start again.  And if her first language isn't English, it can make these sorts of communications even more likely to be just slightly misinterpreted (for example, on a number of occasions, I have told someone doing work for me *not* to do something specific and they do it).  

 

I would have assumed that the mistake was mine and paid her the full amount.  (And, I should say, that if I was her, I would not have insisted that you pay.)  I would also tell her ASAP that you have decided that you no longer need her services.  She was holding your slot open for you for 2-3 months.  She may have been able to schedule some work in there to compensate for the lost income, but she was doing you a favor by not giving your slot to a new regular client.  

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You know, I used to feel this way about cleaning people (like, "oh, you're doing me such a big favor, how benevolent of you to let me pay you to clean my house), then my DH and I bought a small business and I realized these people are just other employees. Actually not employees, but they work for me and oddly, you're the paying customer. So, as it turns out, you're the one who tells them how things will go, you run the interview, and she shouldn't be setting new terms when she's surprised you in your home.

 

And she didn't work that day, so she doesn't get paid. I would never have written the check. And, you're not happy with her anyway, so find someone else. Be very clear with expectations with the new people, and don't pay ahead. You never know if they'll show up again or not; and you can tell them that.

 

I find people get real confused these days who the customer is and who works for whom. It has helped me a lot to keep that clear in my mind. 😉

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She kept saying, "Well, what we going to do now??", while I kept repeating that today was not going to work.  She said that I had told her back in the beginning of June not to come in June because of company and July because of travel, but that I wanted her to start again in August, so she had written down my name on the first Wednesday in August.  I really can't remember exactly what I said (and clearly I wasn't clear?!) but I was definitely thinking the end of August I would contact her to tell her when to come back, after we had gotten the boys off to college, and school was starting again.  I never dreamed she would just show up without checking with me!  

 

 

 

It  sounds like a miscommunication. All of her behavior is  understandable if her understanding was that she was to come back in August. It would have been smart for her to text first after a long hiatus to confirm, of course, but if she had it in her mind and she wrote it down at the time, I can understand her offering you alternatives (we clean upstairs first...) or asking, "What are we going to do?"  I think that meant, "Given that I have come out here and yet I can't clean and earn money, we need to work something out,'  and she was giving you an opportunity for input into the misunderstanding. So I don't see the 1/2 price as unreasonable especially given that she wasn't intending it to be an extra charge. She may have counted on that money for something needed this week. 

Edited by Laurie4b
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It  sounds like a miscommunication. All of her behavior is  understandable if her understanding was that she was to come back in August. It would have been smart for her to text first after a long hiatus to confirm, of course, but if she had it in her mind and she wrote it down at the time, I can understand her offering you alternatives (we clean upstairs first...) or asking, "What are we going to do?"  I think that meant, "Given that I have come out here and yet I can't clean and earn money, we need to work something out,'  and she was giving you an opportunity for input into the misunderstanding. So I don't see the 1/2 price as unreasonable especially given that she wasn't intending it to be an extra charge. She may have counted on that money for something needed this week. 

Right, that's why I went ahead and paid her.  

 

She definitely didn't write it down back in June in front of me or anything, or even ask me a date I was thinking of, to make sure or anything.  That's why I thought I had left it open-ended, and that I would text when I wanted to start again.  

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Since she doesn't seem to be following what you say, you need to put your intentions in writing. Make a note of her final date of service, what your final payment is and what it covers. Make two copies, you and she sign both. Give her one copy and you keep the other. I think that will help you make a clean break. It sounds like maybe you were a little indecisive about having them continue but didn't want to fire them. It also sounds like the cleaner either didn't understand your intentions completely, or possibly did understand and is trying to hold on to this job as long as possible. Either way, it sounds like you would be better off to find someone new and you can't do that until you've officially discontinued your relationship with your current cleaner. The sooner you take care of it, the better for all involved.

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I agree with some of the others, it sounds like a miscommunication and a very assertive housekeeper.  You are going to have to be EXTREMELY clear.  Bare bones.  No hemming and hawing.  Do it tomorrow.  Explain clearly that you have decided not to have a cleaning service at this time (unless you are planning on hiring someone else soon because word may get around and I wouldn't want to get a reputation as a liar) or that you feel this was not a good fit and you would prefer to not have her come back.  CLEARLY ask her not to come back.  Be polite but firm and clear.  And please don't wait a week. If you are certain than just do it.  That is actually not fair to her to let her continue to believe that you want her to come back and it causes you more stress worrying about it.  

 

On a side note, all the times that you or your husband were unhappy with her work, did you ever sit down with her and clearly discuss the things that went wrong?  For instance, with regards to the clock, did you ever discuss with her that she had inadvertently set the clock on military time?  While it won't immediately fix your issue with the clock, it would let her know that she and her helper need to be extra careful when cleaning that area. She may have no idea that what happened was even possible.  Also, with the drain stopper being shoved so far down that extensive work had to be done to fix it, was that ever discussed with her?  If not, for the next time, please keep in mind that things won't usually change if they don't know there was a problem.

 

Hugs and good luck.

Edited by OneStepAtATime
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We had a cleaning lady (plus her helper) come every 2 weeks starting the end of March (first time ever for this). In the beginning of June, I told her at the end of the cleaning that we needed to take a break for the summer. We were going to be having company as well as traveling, plus we are trying to paint/rearrange rooms upstairs now that we will have our oldest 2 sons in college. In my mind, I was thinking I'd text her in August sometime about when I wanted her to start back up.

 

Well, my dh was never thrilled with them. He felt like they missed things (which I never noticed, honestly), but more importantly, they broke random small things weirdly. For example, one of them while cleaning our wall ovens, somehow pressed some combination of buttons that turned the clock to military time (so the afternoon hours are 1300, etc), and we have not been able to get it back, no matter what we press. Another time, when one was cleaning our main floor sink, she pushed the drain plug thing down so hard that it came off the little thing that raises it up and down, so no water drained. My dh had to remove the pipe under the sink to push it back up again! Stuff like that--not malicious, but we find little things later, and it makes my dh really mad, and me really stressed, lol. So in talking with him this summer, we were thinking that we wouldn't have them come back. I was going to text her after we got both sons off to college to say that right now, our finances are tight, so we need to not have a cleaning lady for awhile (definitely true!).

 

So this morning, I was getting ready to go on a walk at 8:15, when the front door opened. To my utter surprise, it was the cleaning lady and her helper! She came in saying, "Ohhh, I see you forget about me" because the house is a disaster area, lol. We're preparing to leave tomorrow to take DS2 to college, and getting ready for the cleaning lady has been the last thing on my mind! I hemmed and hawed awkwardly, apologizing for the house, and saying it really was NOT going to work for them to clean today. She suggested that they clean upstairs while I pick up the main floor, but really, just NO! We have suitcases and laundry everywhere, plus a big rubbermaid tub of stuff for DS--it's a mess!

 

She kept saying, "Well, what we going to do now??", while I kept repeating that today was not going to work. She said that I had told her back in the beginning of June not to come in June because of company and July because of travel, but that I wanted her to start again in August, so she had written down my name on the first Wednesday in August. I really can't remember exactly what I said (and clearly I wasn't clear?!) but I was definitely thinking the end of August I would contact her to tell her when to come back, after we had gotten the boys off to college, and school was starting again. I never dreamed she would just show up without checking with me!

 

SO what ended up happening--she told me I needed to pay her half of the amount for next time today, and then the rest when she came back in September to clean the next time. I wrote the check, because by that time I was really feeling awkward, but I have no intention of letting her come back anymore, because it was all just so weird! I'm going to wait a week and then text her what I was originally planning to write, considering what I paid her today as a severance or something.

 

Like I said before, this is my first experience having a regular cleaning lady. A casual friend of mine recommended her when I had posted on FB that I was looking for someone. I was wanting to get estimates from a few different people that had been recommended, but this lady came over the next day, told me what it would cost, and said she would come back the next day (Wednesday), so I just went with her because it was easy, and I don't like conflict, lol. With pretty much anyone around here, since I don't speak Spanish, I feel like I'm at a disadvantage.

 

I guess what I want to know is, is this all normal?? Should I not have expected to text her when I wanted to start up again? When we were talking in early June, she never said, "You mean the first week of August" or anything specific when I was saying we needed a break for the summer. Is it normal to have little things be broken all the time? Is that just a cost of housecleaning? I really would like to find someone again, but now I'm just very unsure of myself. It was just . . . awkward all around.

You should not have paid her anything today and you should fire her.

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I have to say that my cleaning lady is pretty assertive too.  She will say she wants to come on x day which was not scheduled, and I'll say that's not a good day, and she'll usually manipulate in some way or other to be able to come that day anyway.  Usually so she can get the money sooner.

 

We supposedly now have a fixed biweekly schedule (which I thought was starting last week but didn't).  Let's see if this fixes the problem.  :P

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As someone who used to clean homes, no, she was way out of line. there is absolutely no way as a business owner you should just show up after a two month break without confirming it. She manipulated you, and yeah, I'd have probably paid her too or ended up in an anxiety attack after getting them to leave without payment. 

 

As a business owner, she should have called in late July because the way you left it could have a few meanings. 1. yes, we really want you back in August or 2. we don't you to come back and we're not sure how to fire you, so we're taking a break. 

 

Agree that you need to send a very clearly worded text or email. 

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In regards to your clock, many owner's manuals for appliances can now be found online (if you don't have yours). That may tell you the fix for the clock.

And even if it doesn't, just typing in the question about resetting from military time with your brand and model number you can usually find some site somewhere where someone else had the same issue and figured it out. Or call customer service for whatever appliance this is. I have had very good help with all three of these options with various appliances.

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I am agreeing that you need to clearly severe this arrangement. No "wish we could" or "maybe later".

 

I have a feeling she knows from experience that people don't usually start back up after a break and so instead shows up. You were so flustered you paid and committed to another time so it "worked". Calling to schedule probably gets a lot of "not right now" or "we've decided not to".

 

It's sad if she needs to hustle so much to keep a predictable income but you as the customer shouldn't have to feel trapped.

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The breaking things (especially the sink) would be a reason for me to stop using her services, even if nothing else were wrong.

 

And the way she did not listen to you when you said you didn't want her -- that alone would make me stop using her. You are the boss, not her.

 

She sounds like a nightmare.

 

I would send her a letter (certified mail?), terminating her services.

 

Btw, if you do find someone you really like, consider paying him/her over the summer.

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I would have told her I didn't appreciate her decision to just return to cleaning my house without confirmation that I wanted her to do so, asked for my key, and asked her to leave.  I would then have changed the locks just in case she made a copy of the key.

 

I would contact her and let her know you will no longer be using her services as soon as possible (but change your locks first).

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