50th Anniversary planning: surprise or not?

[Arctic Bunny]

Ugh. It is DH's parents' 50th next year. I *know* they want a party - hints have been dropped for years. But the hints haven't been very specific, as to size, etc. I would love to plan a surprise party, and I am 95% sure they would, but I'd hate to get it wrong. Is it better to just have their input? They will also be fretting all year that we've forgotten, dropping subtle and not-so-subtle hints. Having the right clothes, hair and nails done, etc, will be very important. So if we do a big thing, they'll need to know *something* is happening so they're dressed right. Their 50th is a huge deal for them.

 

What is the best way to go about doing this?

Edited August 7, 2017 by arctic_bunny

[MotherGoose]

I don't like surprises. I'd have some input from them at least to the date.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I wouldn't make it a surprise.  Let them know in advance so that they can be dressed appropriately.  I'd also be concerned about getting a complete guest list (do you really know every possible family member and friend they want included?) so I'd want their input on that. 

[FaithManor]

When I did my aunt and uncle's, we did not do surprise to make sure that we did not end up with scheduling conflicts, dietary issues - happens a lot with people in that age range and taking into account all of their friends who had health problems it turned out that discussing the menu in depth was very wise - and traveling worries. But we they were in one state, my cousin's in two other states, and I in a third which makes planning complicated!

 

If this means so much to them, it would be better for them to know it is being done even if you keep a few details under wraps just for fun.

[sassenach]

No surprises. It's their 50th and they've clearly communicated (even if only through hints) that they would appreciate a party. I think they've earned it.

[Forget-Me-Not]

If you want some sort of surprise, I'd look at a surprise event within the party.  Maybe a slide show (get all their kids to contribute pictures, add some songs that are special to them) or a musical number by someone in the family.  

[Just Kate]

Well, we did a surprise for my parents. I wanted to tell them, but that's not how my big brother rolls (eye roll). It actually turned out great and I l actually enjoyed the surprise aspect (although they had "feelings" that we might be doing something for them). They thought they were going to a nice restaurant, so they were dressed very well. My favorite part was their cake. My parents didn't have a real wedding, so no wedding cake. When my mom saw the cake that I chose, the tears came. I get teary just thinking about it!

 

Since the in-laws have dropped hints, you might want to tell them. Or tell them that you are taking them out for a family dinner and make it bigger. Maybe they would be disappointed if they think you are doing nothing?

Edited August 7, 2017 by Just Kate

[Arcadia]

My extended family is big and I was invited to my aunts, uncles and cousins wedding anniversary parties if they host one. My relatives love boisterous parties with lots of guests. My hubby's relatives however kept to immediate family as they are less enthusiastic about big parties. I would ask because they might have a preferred guest list as well as location in mind.

 

For example, an aunt wanted a big outdoor location while her husband doesn't care where as long as food is plentiful. So an indoor location would be kind of downer for that aunt. Another aunt love dancing so we end up with a big ballroom at a recreation center with my nephews doing the DJ and supplying the equipment.

[SKL]

I would tell them.

 

For our parents' 50th, we did a shindig similar to my sister's wedding, which had been 5 years earlier.  It was even in the same location.  :)  We knew my parents really liked the place, and we invited most of the same people, plus a few others.  The place had couches for the old people to sit on, which was important.

[Arctic Bunny]

I am fortunate that I know exactly the date and place. And could probably figure out the guest list, but that is indeed the trickiest part. Do you invite the close relative that they don't like and are squabbling with, but should still probably be invited? Nope, you're right. The guest list is the sticking point.

[zoobie]

No surprises.

[Rebel Yell]

If you want some sort of surprise, I'd look at a surprise event within the party.  Maybe a slide show (get all their kids to contribute pictures, add some songs that are special to them) or a musical number by someone in the family.

 

Agreeing 1million%

[Annie G]

You can surprise them without making the whole party a surprise. They might enjoy the anticipation and preparation of the party.  Choosing clothes, getting hair done, etc. You can surprise them by keeping quiet about any guests who are traveling a long way, or by making a special gift like a signature quilt or a memory book.  Recently I did a cake for a 50th and the kids got letters from a lot of folks their parents knew long ago and they put the letters into a scrapbook. Super easy, and it was such a surprise. Some people just sent cards with a little note, but others wrote lovely letters about their friendship. 

 

 

[regentrude]

"Hey MIL and FIL, I would like to organize a nice party for your 50th anniversary - I think you'd enjoy it and you deserve it. I'd like to do all the planning and suprise you with the details. Anybody you want me to invite?"

[Arctic Bunny]

Yes! I could tell them about it and let them decide how much of a surprise they want. They could come up with the guest list, and decide not to know who was coming. And I could ask for letters/memories in an invitation, and people could include them in the RSVP even if they can't come.

[Arctic Bunny]

So... do I include DH's brother and wife in the planning? The four of us do *not* play well together.... But they would have to arrange their plane tickets, so I would have to tell them *eyeroll* Honestly, if I have to work with them, there's a big chance I will act very childishly. Hey, at least I recognize my failings.

[regentrude]

So... do I include DH's brother and wife in the planning? The four of us do *not* play well together.... But they would have to arrange their plane tickets, so I would have to tell them *eyeroll* Honestly, if I have to work with them, there's a big chance I will act very childishly. Hey, at least I recognize my failings.

 

You only have to send them the invite. You don't need to involve them in planning - that's YOUR gig. Why make things more complicated than necessary?

Edited August 7, 2017 by regentrude

[lmrich]

We kind of surprised my parents. They knew that I was throwing a 'fancy' brunch for the family so they knew to dress appropriately. They did not know that their brothers and wives were there and a couple of cousins. I ended up having dinner, too, that night. I also sent a cleaning lady to my mom's house so it would be sparkling for their guests and a breakfast caserole and lunch for the next day. It was low-key and lovely. 

[Arctic Bunny]

You only have to send them the invite.

My fear, confirmed.

You don't need to involve them in planning - that's YOUR gig. Why make things more complicated than necessary?

Because everything *is* more complicated when it involves DH's family? ;)

[Annie G]

So... do I include DH's brother and wife in the planning? The four of us do *not* play well together.... But they would have to arrange their plane tickets, so I would have to tell them *eyeroll* Honestly, if I have to work with them, there's a big chance I will act very childishly. Hey, at least I recognize my failings.

 

We don't play well with dh's sister. If we plan something, we divide up the duties and agree that we are in control of OUR part and our part only.  Since dh's brother and wife live far away, maybe you could include them by giving them some small task and doing the rest yourself 'because it's easier to organize things locally'. 

 

I'm right there with you on the acting childishly part.  Some people just rub me the wrong way and while I try REALLY hard to respond like an adult, I do not always succeed. With dear sister in law, I rarely succeed. 

[Arctic Bunny]

We don't play well with dh's sister. If we plan something, we divide up the duties and agree that we are in control of OUR part and our part only. Since dh's brother and wife live far away, maybe you could include them by giving them some small task and doing the rest yourself 'because it's easier to organize things locally'.

 

I'm right there with you on the acting childishly part. Some people just rub me the wrong way and while I try REALLY hard to respond like an adult, I do not always succeed. With dear sister in law, I rarely succeed.

Yes! They could be responsible for something that will give them the accolades they seek if it turns out well, but won't affect the whole thing if they screw it up!

[regentrude]

My fear, confirmed.

 

I don't understand. Were you planning not to invite them at all to the event?

[Arctic Bunny]

I don't understand. Were you planning not to invite them at all to the event?

I should have included a :D or a ;) !

No, of course they'll be included. I'll even ask them for input, and involve them. But... ugh.

[Pam in CT]

No surprises. It's their 50th and they've clearly communicated (even if only through hints) that they would appreciate a party. I think they've earned it.

 

"Hey MIL and FIL, I would like to organize a nice party for your 50th anniversary - I think you'd enjoy it and you deserve it. I'd like to do all the planning and suprise you with the details. Anybody you want me to invite?"

 

 

If you want some sort of surprise, I'd look at a surprise event within the party.  Maybe a slide show (get all their kids to contribute pictures, add some songs that are special to them) or a musical number by someone in the family.  

 

This, and this, and this.

 

For my parents' 50th, they knew the date and the venue and gave us a guest list.  We had a number of surprises for them *within* the event -- a couple of distant guests they didn't presume to expect, a slideshow including photos going back to each of their childhoods we'd covered from actual film *slides*, poignant grandchildren presentations, etc.

 

If we hadn't told them we were doing it, they either would have been uneasy, wondering if we were... or would have gone ahead and planned something on their own.  

 

(That just actually happened for my cousin's 50th birthday.  His loving wife secretly plotted this big old complicated bash for months.  Three weeks before the event, he came home and announced he'd rented out a pizza place and invited ~75 of his nearest and dearest.  Unsurprisingly there was a good deal of overlap between his guest list and hers.  It was nice because pretty much everyone was able to make either one, or the other...  :lol:  )

[QueenCat]

So... do I include DH's brother and wife in the planning? The four of us do *not* play well together.... But they would have to arrange their plane tickets, so I would have to tell them *eyeroll* Honestly, if I have to work with them, there's a big chance I will act very childishly. Hey, at least I recognize my failings.

 

AS long as you aren't asking them to help pay for it, you can just send an invite but with a little heads up. If you want financial help, they get to help plan if they want to.

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm not great a reading people, but my guess is that anyone who has dropped hints for years about a 50th wedding anniversary party is likely to have specific ideas about all the details.  The odds someone else will get all those details right without consulting them is slim.  But maybe I'm just biased because I'm not a fan of surprises. 

My step-dad wanted a surprise 50th birthday party for my mom and he and I worked out all the details and made the arrangements. She liked it, but she's not one who would've been upset by a surprise or particular about the details, so I wasn't hesitant about making it a surprise.  Also, it's clear my step-dad cannot lie to save his life.  All he had to do was stall her and take her to her parents' house unexpectedly and she knew something was up because he doesn't lie well.  A good trait, but not handy in that situation.

As to DH's brother and his wife, either pay for it yourself and just send them an invitation with enough time to make travel arrangements, or delegate part of the planning to them and stay out of that part of it-let them handle that aspect entirely without your supervision and input before and during or complaint after. Never ask for input unless you actually want it and will seriously consider it.  Otherwise it's manipulative and sneaky.  It could be decor, food, collecting money for and purchasing a large joint gift, making a sentimental video, making a speech, selecting and purchasing the cake, hiring some sort of entertainment, arranging for a special guest, etc.

[Guest]

A surprise would be if you did it on their 49th.  :0)

50th, they should have input, and probably want it.  

 

We did a wonderful party for both my parents' and my in-laws.  They wanted (and got) completely different parties...and neither is what I would want for MINE.  But THEY were extremely happy and talked about it for a long time after--and the living parties still do, 10 years later.  

 

The one thing I had to do with my Mom and Dad's was to do it a lot nicer than they thought of.  So they thought of "a party with all their friends at the church with some food to eat and flowers on the table."  They thought carnations; we got roses.  They thought hotdogs and burgers; we got shrimp and prime rib; they thought paper plates; we rented china.  They thought we would have to take turns pouring punch; I hired three high-school kids to do that.  I checked out how much it cost to get real linens on the tables, and adding the rental fee to the cost of cleaning, it was cheaper to buy them for the church, so that's what we did.  Now they have them for other receptions.  

 

It was the over-the-topness that they really were bowled over by, surprised, and they LOVED it and everyone remembered it and commented on it for years.  My mom and dad felt like ROYALTY and that was what *I* wanted.  :0)

 

When I talked to the caterer, I left it pretty much up to her, except to say that whatever she did, have a MOUNTAIN of shrimp--that would make my mom's EYES pop.  And it did!  (She is such a predictable foodie.). AND the church hostess arranged for all the leftovers to go to the local homeless shelter.  Those guys had a FEAST that night.  And I was happy about that, too.  :0)

 

So I guess ours was more a planned party with a lot of surprises layered in.  That made everyone so happy and my parents felt well loved, not just by us, but by everyone who came.  

 

 

[Guest]

When I talked to the caterer, I left it pretty much up to her, except to say that whatever she did, have a MOUNTAIN of shrimp--that would make my mom's EYES pop. And it did! (She is such a predictable foodie.). AND the church hostess arranged for all the leftovers to go to the local homeless shelter. Those guys had a FEAST that night. And I was happy about that, too. :0)

This part just makes me so happy!

[Junie]

I agree with the others that you should not keep it a surprise.

 

I have been to a successful surprise 40th anniversary party, though.  My cousin was getting ready to be deployed, so we had a party for him.  Everyone except my aunt and uncle knew that it was really an anniversary party disguised as a send-off.  (They knew the restaurant where we were going, so everyone was dressed appropriately.)

[Rachel]

So... do I include DH's brother and wife in the planning? The four of us do *not* play well together.... But they would have to arrange their plane tickets, so I would have to tell them *eyeroll* Honestly, if I have to work with them, there's a big chance I will act very childishly. Hey, at least I recognize my failings.

You only need to include them in the planning of you expecting them to help pay. I do think a polite heads up before you send the invitation would be nice.

[Rachel]

Double post

Edited August 7, 2017 by Rach

[Arctic Bunny]

A surprise would be if you did it on their 49th. :0)

50th, they should have input, and probably want it.

 

We did a wonderful party for both my parents' and my in-laws. They wanted (and got) completely different parties...and neither is what I would want for MINE. But THEY were extremely happy and talked about it for a long time after--and the living parties still do, 10 years later.

 

The one thing I had to do with my Mom and Dad's was to do it a lot nicer than they thought of. So they thought of "a party with all their friends at the church with some food to eat and flowers on the table." They thought carnations; we got roses. They thought hotdogs and burgers; we got shrimp and prime rib; they thought paper plates; we rented china. They thought we would have to take turns pouring punch; I hired three high-school kids to do that. I checked out how much it cost to get real linens on the tables, and adding the rental fee to the cost of cleaning, it was cheaper to buy them for the church, so that's what we did. Now they have them for other receptions.

 

It was the over-the-topness that they really were bowled over by, surprised, and they LOVED it and everyone remembered it and commented on it for years. My mom and dad felt like ROYALTY and that was what *I* wanted. :0)

 

When I talked to the caterer, I left it pretty much up to her, except to say that whatever she did, have a MOUNTAIN of shrimp--that would make my mom's EYES pop. And it did! (She is such a predictable foodie.). AND the church hostess arranged for all the leftovers to go to the local homeless shelter. Those guys had a FEAST that night. And I was happy about that, too. :0)

 

So I guess ours was more a planned party with a lot of surprises layered in. That made everyone so happy and my parents felt well loved, not just by us, but by everyone who came.

Alas, that ship has sailed (but if I would have thought of it last year!!!!!).

 

So many great ideas from everyone here!

[Arctic Bunny]

This part just makes me so happy!

Me too!

[Arctic Bunny]

It has just occurred to me that I should contact DH's brother and SIL first. What if they already have something in the works, and I would be spoiling their surprise?!