"Forcing" a kid to go to their summer camp session?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Last year DD11 went to a two-week session at summer camp, and while she enjoyed herself, she was somewhat homesick. She decided she didn't want to go back to that camp for a couple of reasons, and this year we chose one closer to home. One of the "perks" is that it's only done in 5-day sessions, so she could come home over the weekend, have me brush out her hair, have laundry done (so less to pack), etc. 

 

This all seemed like a fantastic idea! However, one drawback never occurred to me. She came home from her first session yesterday and was initially all gung ho about camp. By last night, though, she admitted to me that she cried every night going to sleep, and that while she had fun, she doesn't want to go back for the second week. On top of that, she got her period when she got home yesterday, and the lake swimming was one of the things she enjoyed most about last week :( She's so young that we haven't had a successful experience with tampons yet, and she doesn't even like the idea of them. 

 

Now what? Do I insist she go back? This is my strong-willed kid, and if she decides she's not going, then I don't see how I can force her to go. And would it even be a good idea to insist on it? There are definitely no refunds without a doctor's note at this point, so that's $600 lost too.

 

I'd love to hear any suggestions. We're supposed to head back tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. And yes, this will be the last sleep-away camp experience we have *sigh*

Edited July 30, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[MEmama]

I wouldn't force my kid to do something like that. What in the world would they learn from it? (Hint: mom has no respect for me. My feelings are not valid).

 

In the future I would think twice about committing that much money to something that has a decent chance of not working out. But unfortunately we can't see into the future and sometimes mistakes are made even as adults.

Edited July 30, 2017 by MEmama

[Pegasus]

Not everyone is ready for sleep-away experiences by that age.  Neither of mine were, unless a parent or other loved one was going along.  They still get there in time.

 

Honestly, I think it was this summer for both of mine for their very first sleep-away experience without a family member!  They are 17 and 20.

 

DD17 flew alone to another city to attend a week long creative writing workshp.

 

DD20 moved into an apartment for a summer internship program.

 

They both adjusted just fine, even without having early experiences with sleeping away from home.

[kroe1]

No, I would not make her go. And, I am the meanest mom I know.

[Starr]

Get a doctors note. ;)   The whole swimming thing is so awkward for many young girls.  :grouphug:  and crying every night, poor thing.

[Elizabeth86]

I never would. My dh likely would. He tries to instill the never quit anything you start lesson, but he is quite the hypocrite imo. He starts all sorts of things he doesnt finish.

Edited July 30, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[JFSinIL]

You are out $600 whether she attends or not....attending would make her miserable....let her stay home.  i doubt a doctor would write a note (don't they push exercise is great to cut cramps etc?)

 

My poor kid sister had her first period start the first day of sleep away camp for horseback riding!  This was in the pre-tampons for young girls (she was 10!!)  days and she simply could not ride a horse most of the week :-(

Edited July 30, 2017 by JFSinIL

[madteaparty]

I am strongly urging my kid to go to the second session of language camp which he is not...enthusiastic about attending. The caveat is that he loved the first two week session (different language) and told me he was hardly homesick. But as mean of a mom as I am, I wouldn't make her go in circumstances you describe. I like to be judicious with my meanness;)

[TechWife]

No, don't make her go. Instead, can you plan a few special "camp home" outings - walk a local trail together, go horseback riding together, find a movie to see, have a friend spend the night in the middle of the week.

[Twolittleboys]

I have a strong-willed child as well so completely see the "I don't see how I could make them" part (actually, my strong-willed child is right now playing video games instead of being at camp for just that reason).

 

However, if it were not for that reason, I would probably make my child go (which now makes me officially the meanest mom here). I would feel differently if she had hated the first week, been bullied etc. In that case I would not make her go. But it sounds like it is mostly a case of being homesick but still enjoying the time there. I do strongly believe in sticking things out if at all possible so probably would send my child (if it were not for the strong-willed part), especially if she originally agreed to the camp. I probably would offer to pick her up early if she really hated it after a day or two.

 

I guess it also depends on how inconvenient it is for you (aside of the money). It doesn't sound like you will be away at work but you may have had plans for this week anyway (e.g. home renovations or just spending some down-time).

 

So anyway, I would "make" my child if there was a good chance to do so without a major fight about it.

[AmandaVT]

No, don't make her go. Instead, can you plan a few special "camp home" outings - walk a local trail together, go horseback riding together, find a movie to see, have a friend spend the night in the middle of the week.

 

This! :-) 

 

I wouldn't make her go either and I love the idea of doing some special camp at home things with her this coming week.

[Word Nerd]

I wouldn't have signed my tween up for the second week to begin with because of my own experiences of camp as a kid. Two weeks is a long time to be away from home on your own, even when you're having fun. In this case I would remind her of all the fun things she talked about, friends who'll be expecting to see her, and encourage her to go. If she's really upset at the thought of going back even after the rah-rah talk, I'd let her stay home.

ETA: I am a mom who "forces" my kids to do things they aren't thrilled about if we've made a commitment or I think they need a little push to do something I know they'll enjoy if they just make that first step. I would still be on the stay home side of this one, especially because having her period will be a hindrance and she already stuck with it and persevered through homesickness last week.

Edited July 30, 2017 by Word Nerd

[luuknam]

I'm leaning towards not making her go, and I just went through a week of my oldest clinging to me saying he hates camp when I dropped him off each morning (when I'd pick him up in the afternoons he was always smiling or laughing and looking like he had a blast, even before seeing me, and he'd usually say camp was 'neutral' or 'okay' or w/e... but in the mornings he hates camp and does.not.want.to.go and is sure that that day will be terrible). Basically, he's very good at hyperfocusing on the downsides and ignoring the fun parts (he was the same way with another day camp a couple of summers ago, and with some other activities, and even went through a brief phase in spring of not wanting to go to sleepaway camp, which he absolutely loves, but at least that phase was very brief and he wanted to go again by the time camp started).

 

So, anyway, I'd maybe brainstorm ways with her to make bedtime go better, and do the rah-rah thing, but I don't think I'd *make* her go. I would however also consider letting her stay home Monday & Tuesday or so, and then sending her for the rest of the week, when her period is lighter or gone, and there's only a couple of nights of sleeping away from home left. Thinking about this more, I might or might not *make* her go the last 2-3 days of camp (possibly contingent on how long she'd cry for at bedtime... not that I'd expect to get a super accurate answer out of her... I might call the camp and talk to one of the cabin leaders, not that I'd expect to get an accurate answer out of them either). But anyway, I think that with the period you could definitely call Monday and maybe Tuesday "sick days" since she's so young. 

[ealp2009]

I also would not force a child to go to sleep away camp. Day camp yes, depending on the circumstance but not sleep away. Good luck

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HomeAgain]

I'm usually in the frame of "have her go" but I wouldn't in this situation.  It wouldn't be beneficial to her, given all the circumstances. 

[Wheres Toto]

For the OP, I wouldn't make her go under the circumstances.  Having to sit on the shore while everyone else is swimming is just going to make it more miserable than last week.   Neither of my kids at 12 and 10 are ready for sleep-away camp.  My oldest never did until she was in high school and then it was a specific cheer camp.   I never went to sleep away camp when I was a kid so I don't see it as some necessary childhood experience.

 

You are out $600 whether she attends or not....attending would make her miserable....let her stay home.  i doubt a doctor would write a note (don't they push exercise is great to cut cramps etc?)

 

My poor kid sister had her first period start the first day of sleep away camp for horseback riding!  This was in the pre-tampons for young girls (she was 10!!)  days and she simply could not ride a horse most of the week :-(

 

I was just wondering why horseback riding would be out?  It seems like something that could be done wearing pads.  Asking in particular because we've been considering lessons for youngest dd and she's showing signs that she will be starting soon.  I know tampons won't be an option for her for a while. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thanks everyone. After all of this, now she's leaning toward going. I should have known we were just going to have to work through the angst of all of it before she could make the decision to go back. Standard operating procedure!

 

Now we're not sure if her period is actually coming or not, which is a whole other issue that I'll probably post about shortly. And it turned out that one of her big reasons for not wanting to go back is that she's basically tired out, which is manifesting itself in wanting to watch TV all day. When I informed her that her sister and I had a very productive, screen-free week planned (which is 100% true) and that she would also have a productive, screen-free week if she stayed home, suddenly camp began to look more appealing!

 

So we're still on the fence here on the last issue, which is that DD takes melatonin every night before bed. I didn't think she'd need it while she was there because I figured she'd be exhausted, but apparently she really did need it (hence the crying and trouble falling asleep, which happens at home as well if she doesn't have it). So if she goes back, we'll bring it with us tomorrow and hope they let her take it before bed each night. 

 

I appreciate all the advice and insight, everyone. I have some questions about what it means to commit to something, which DH and I were talking about as well, and I've been trying to suss out how I feel on certain aspects of the issue. DH's initial response was that she had to go back, and when I pointed out that it was easy for him to say since I'm the one who would have to drive her up there, force her out of the car, and drive away from her if she was upset, his tune changed quite a bit. But he and I had an interesting discussion about it that I think I'll turn into a spin-off post. 

 

Thanks!

Edited July 30, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Guinevere]

When up against a wall like you are right now, I tend to just do whatever the child wants.

 

I try to avoid this situation by being clear with my own boundaries ahead of time. This it works if she wanted to go in the first place, not if you are trying to get her to go. So, with my kids, if they want me to sign them up for something, I tell them they can go or not go, but if they don't, they owe me the cost of the activity. I also lay out any other requirements of participation.

 

As far as finishing what you started, I think it only applies if other people are counting on you. You have to do what you said, or find a replacement. If it only involved you, then you can stop or start anything you like, at any given time.

Edited July 30, 2017 by Guinevere

[matrips]

I wouldn't send her back. She did go to the first week and gave it a fair shot.

[luuknam]

IME, camps want a doctor's note for any kind of pill, including melatonin. So, I would count on having to call her dr tomorrow morning. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't make her go, and I wouldn't sign her up again (unless she was older and specifically asked to go).

 

 

[SKL]

Under certain circumstances, I would insist, but based on the information in the OP, I would let her skip the second week.

 

One of mine (age 10) had a couple bad experiences last year, came home mid-week, and then was terrified of the idea of sleeping away from me (despite having successful previous experiences).  I've been gently easing her back into the idea this year, with single-night overnights with people she knows.  I will not try a whole week away for at least another year or two, and then only if she really wants it.

 

I think it's great that your daughter stuck it out for the first week.  I know you probably paid a chunk of money for this and it's a disappointment, but it sounds like sending her to week 2 wouldn't give you your money's worth anyway.

[City Mouse]

If she is on the fence about going now, then I would encourage her to go by sharing what the week will be like if she stays home- and I don't mean including special activities. When my DS called home last week and I could tell he was a bit homesick, I told him all about splitting and hauling fire wood, mowing the yard, and other "not fun" stuff that would not make him miss being at home.

 

If she really did not want to go, I think my decision would be influenced by how the camp experience was chosen. Is this something she really wanted to do, or did she just agree because that is what you wanted her to do? If she was the one to choose the camp, then I do think I would have some consequence for quitting only because that is a lot of money for my family. as a consequence, I mean something like I would expect her to pay for future camps herself if she really wanted to attend.

 

When my DS was that age, he backed out of a Boy Scout summer camp for reasons I felt were valid, but because of the short notice, he did not get a refund for the camp fees. Since he had participated in troop fundraising, there was no out of pocket expense but he was not able to "save" his portion for another troop trip, so he had to start all over with fundraising.

 

On the other hand, when my DS was not feeling well and decided to skip a river rafting trip at Jamboree last week, he was able to "donate" his pre-paid spot to another boy who had missed the sign-up deadline. At least that way I don't feel like the money was wasted.

 

I will add that I did have to "force" my DS to attend his first Boy Scout summer camp at 13. I didn't have to drag him out of the car kicking and screaming or anything like that, but I made a bargain with him that if he hated it, he would never have to go again. Lickily, he had a great time, but if he did not I would ha e honored that deal.

Edited July 30, 2017 by City Mouse

[SKL]

Oops, just read OP's follow-up.  Of course if she wants to go back, it's a yes.  :)

 

And I agree with making it not-so-exciting to stay at home.  In my house, I'd be saying "if you stay home, I'm going to give you a list of school work and chores to do every day.  Do you still want to stay home?"

[Paige]

How far away is the camp? Would they let her attend as a day camper? 

[desertstrawberry5]

Get a doctors note. ;)   The whole swimming thing is so awkward for many young girls.  :grouphug:  and crying every night, poor thing.

i agree. I got my period at 10 and my mom didn't even make me go to school during my week until 7th grade. I'd ask for a doctor's note. 

[LucyStoner]

If it's her first period she might just spot for 1-2 days.

 

I wouldn't make her go but I would be heartened that she's changed her mind and may want to go back.

 

The $600 is a sunk cost. Sunk costs are irrelevant to forwards looking decision making. Once people accept this, it's usually easier to make decisions.

[Farrar]

IME, camps want a doctor's note for any kind of pill, including melatonin. So, I would count on having to call her dr tomorrow morning. 

 

Not in my experience. I've sent kids to sleepaway camp with a number of OTC things, including with vague "he can regulate it himself, use as needed" instructions, including for melatonin, actually. This probably varies by state.

 

OP, If this were my kid, I'd really let them completely veg all weekend (or all today, I guess) and then gently push them to go. If she goes back to be adamant that it will be horrible, I'd definitely relent though.

[luuknam]

Not in my experience. I've sent kids to sleepaway camp with a number of OTC things, including with vague "he can regulate it himself, use as needed" instructions, including for melatonin, actually. This probably varies by state.

 

 

Or the organization (YMCA), or the age of kids attending camp (this one takes kids as young as 6.5yo if they're entering 2nd grade (in NY with late cut-off, so yes, there are 6.5yos entering 2nd grade)).

 

ETA: technically the youngest kids are 6.75yo when they enter 2nd grade, but if camp is the last week of June, then they're 6.5yo at camp. 

Edited July 30, 2017 by luuknam

[Farrar]

Or the organization (YMCA), or the age of kids attending camp (this one takes kids as young as 6.5yo if they're entering 2nd grade (in NY with late cut-off, so yes, there are 6.5yos entering 2nd grade)).

 

ETA: technically the youngest kids are 6.75yo when they enter 2nd grade, but if camps is the last week of June, then they're 6.5yo at camp. 

 

Yeah - I'm guessing larger organizations have stricter rules than individual camps, which is more our experience. Though now that I've sent kids to camp in three states, I've seen the differences in what's super required - vax records required in some, checking off that they're up to date is plenty in others, for example.

[luuknam]

Yeah - I'm guessing larger organizations have stricter rules than individual camps, which is more our experience. Though now that I've sent kids to camp in three states, I've seen the differences in what's super required - vax records required in some, checking off that they're up to date is plenty in others, for example.

 

 

I was quite surprised that I didn't need any paperwork from the doctor for the camp at the botanical garden... I just needed to basically say the kid was healthy and say their immunizations were up to date. For all other camps my kids have attended (all also in NY) they've required paperwork from the doctor, even if it was just the local science museum and not some big national organization. I also wonder how much it's got to do with insurance companies.

 

But anyway... all I'm saying is that OP might want to be prepared to call the doctor tomorrow morning... I don't know how far away the camp is and if she can ask them today if she'll need a note for the melatonin, or if the doctor can fax stuff, etc etc. 

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My son took melatonin to camp with no problems.  No doctor's note required.  Just a note with instructions saying, "Take one at bedtime".  They were administered by his counselor or nurse (I'm not sure which).  He was 11 or 12 at the time, so that may make a difference.  

 

I guess a phone call to the camp is in order, to ask them what they require.  Maybe ask them how periods are handled as well. 

Edited July 30, 2017 by Suzanne in ABQ

[TABmom]

Well, my mom forced me to go to camp- I cried all the way there. Then I had the absolute best time of my life and went every summer for the longest time. Even after I graduated, I went back as a counselor. But, I don't know what I would do. It would be hard.

[bettyandbob]

Did she ask to go?

 

If my dc asks and I pay, then they go. If they don't go they don't do fun stuff instead. They stay home. I don't pay for or facilitate new activities until the previous activity term is complete. It would just get a boring week at home. The DC can entertain self at home without the expectation of me driving, paying or inviting friends. At least one of my dc could entertain themselves that way, so not a big deal.

 

There are rare exceptions when bullying, illness, injury or danger are involved.

 

I would consider treating it like day camp and driving back and forth each day. In that situation, I could see a kid deciding to stay when you arrived at 5 or 6 pm to pick up. I'd not pick up later than that.

[Terabith]

I actually didn't send my kids to camp this year because they are both getting their period but not regularly enough that we could predict when they'd get it back when you had to sign up.  They can't wear tampons, and water activities are such a huge part of camp.