Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) DD has a very close guy friend. They are super close, BFF type close. I asked once if there was something more between them. She told me the she thinks he might be gay and in the closet, but that she would never ask him that unless he brought it up. Sexuality is a super private thing that she feels like isn't her business until he is ready to discuss it. She's cool like that. I was with these two a good bit last weekend. I think dd is reading this situation all wrong. He is not the most masculine guy I have ever met by any means, but I think that (rather than being gay) he likes dd. Just the way he looks at her and responds to her, you know? He was telling me about his past struggle with girls always wanting to be his friend but nothing more. Once he lets them know his real feelings, he loses the friendship. I think his past makes him afraid to express his feelings to dd. I feel so bad for him. He is a super smart, super sweet guy. DD adores him, but I am not sure she has ever viewed him in light of more than a friend. If it comes up, I have no idea how she will respond and I don't feel like I should say anything to her. This is a friendship she would hate to lose :( This is just a major ramble really. Venting it somewhere since I don't feel like I can say anything to dd. I don't want to say something that changes the dynamic between them, if that makes sense? ugh. Edited July 10, 2017 by Attolia 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 This is a hard one. Some men who are not super masculine do have this problem. It may always be a hard problem for him, but it IS his problem to solve, because the situation does go beyond your dd, even according to him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) That is super hard, and him being more assertive and heavier handed with flirting is something that is just going to take practice. I wouldn't say anything either :( Being friend zoned stinks. Edited July 10, 2017 by Arctic Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 This is a hard one. Some men who are not super masculine do have this problem. It may always be a hard problem for him, but it IS his problem to solve, because the situation does go beyond your dd, even according to him. You are so right here. It is his problem. It is definitely not dd's problem. I don't even know if she would reject him if he told her how he really felt. Honestly, I have no idea. I just hate knowing that this will probably lead to pain of some sort :( 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 That is super hard, and him being more assertive and heavier handed with flirting is something that is just going to take practice. I wouldn't say anything either :( Being friend zoned stinks. I have picked up (from conversations) that this guy is very close to his mom and has had zero dad presence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Girls and guys can't ever just be friends, lol. Well friendship is a good foundation for a healthy romantic relationship, after all. I wouldn't say anything either, I don't think. Except to suggest that they shouldn't assume someone is gay, no matter how "gay" they appear. I mean, that's what I would do with my own kids, not necessarily what you should do with yours. :) Knowing does change the dynamic, but it doesn't have to end the friendship. I friend zoned a really good buddy once, and that sucked and he was sad, but I really think it was better; he would have ended up more hurt if I hadn't, with the way I was at that stage of life. We stayed friends until I got married. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 That is tough. Unrequited love stinks, but people like who they like and that's just part of life. I accepted that a college friend would never feel about me the way I felt about him and told myself I was OK with being his friend, but the more time I spent with him as "just friends," the deeper I fell for him and the more miserable I felt. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Why wouldn't you tell your dd what you think? If you are pretty sure the guy has a romantic interest in your dd, why wouldn't you share that with her so she's prepared in case he suddenly gets up his nerve and declares his undying love? I would feel sorry for the guy that he has had problems with girls, but my own child would be my priority, so I would want her to have as much information as possible. Also, what if your dd accidentally lets it slip to the guy that she thinks he's gay? That could be very hurtful to him if he's thinking of her as a potential girlfriend, only to find out that your dd not only views him as just a friend, but as someone who isn't even straight. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but a young and insecure straight guy would probably not want his romantic interest to have made that kind of error. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Why wouldn't you tell your dd what you think? If you are pretty sure the guy has a romantic interest in your dd, why wouldn't you share that with her so she's prepared in case he suddenly gets up his nerve and declares his undying love? I would feel sorry for the guy that he has had problems with girls, but my own child would be my priority, so I would want her to have as much information as possible. Also, what if your dd accidentally lets it slip to the guy that she thinks he's gay? That could be very hurtful to him if he's thinking of her as a potential girlfriend, only to find out that your dd not only views him as just a friend, but as someone who isn't even straight. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but a young and insecure straight guy would probably not want his romantic interest to have made that kind of error. It may be an awkward conversation, but these are good points to consider. It's still speculation, but I don't think it would be overstepping to share your impressions with DD. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I have picked up (from conversations) that this guy is very close to his mom and has had zero dad presence. That could well be part of it. He relates too well to women on a friend basis and isn't sending out strong enough signals otherwise. It can be changed, it just takes practice and honestly he should start hanging out with more guys if he doesn't already. Learning through observation and all that :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Just a little encouragement. My husband was the "friend." He went to 8 proms in 2 years because he was the "safe date" for his girl friends. He was a golfer, but not the football type, if that gives you any type of picture. He honestly wondered if he would ever marry because he was always the friend but never the boyfriend. Interesting fact, when I started dating him, one of my friends told me he was "too nice." What the heck does that mean? Another friend said he wasn't assertive enough for me and she pictured me with a motivational speaker type.....professor, pastor, etc..... But we just celebrated our 22nd Anniversary, so, there ya go. The FRIEND can make a great husband. BTW: My mother just sent me a 23rd anniversary card. HAHAHA! 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Just a little encouragement. My husband was the "friend." He went to 8 proms in 2 years because he was the "safe date" for his girl friends. He was a golfer, but not the football type, if that gives you any type of picture. He honestly wondered if he would ever marry because he was always the friend but never the boyfriend. Interesting fact, when I started dating him, one of my friends told me he was "too nice." What the heck does that mean? Another friend said he wasn't assertive enough for me and she pictured me with a motivational speaker type.....professor, pastor, etc..... But we just celebrated our 22nd Anniversary, so, there ya go. The FRIEND can make a great husband. BTW: My mother just sent me a 23rd anniversary card. HAHAHA! That was kind of my husband too. When I met his friends outside of where we originally met, I found out he led the college bible study at church and all the girls professed what a great guy he was. BUT they also caveated that they couldn't see him as boyfriend or husband material. He was shy and very respectful and friendly, so that was probably part of it. Honestly we got together because he didn't rebuff my flirting and I did it hard enough to convince him I was interested. He told me afterward he was pretty much resigned to being single because he just couldn't find someone suitable who liked him back - all the girls he liked were either getting married to other guys or otherwise not interested and the ones interested in him weren't what he was looking for. The nice, friendly guy really needed that more assertive female to snatch him up :lol: And yeah, he is an amazing husband and my friends were rather green with envy once we got engaged and married and they could see what a catch he was. If only they hadn't ignored him before but it was my gain that they did ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) Girls and guys can't ever just be friends, lol. Well friendship is a good foundation for a healthy romantic relationship, after all. I wouldn't say anything either, I don't think. Except to suggest that they shouldn't assume someone is gay, no matter how "gay" they appear. I mean, that's what I would do with my own kids, not necessarily what you should do with yours. :) Knowing does change the dynamic, but it doesn't have to end the friendship. I friend zoned a really good buddy once, and that sucked and he was sad, but I really think it was better; he would have ended up more hurt if I hadn't, with the way I was at that stage of life. We stayed friends until I got married. I think girls and guys can just be friends! There can be more hurdles though, for sure. But I agree, a good friendship is a great foundation, regardless. I don't think I'd say anything either. Because, you don't know for sure what's going on, and bringing it up might change how your own dd acts or put pressure on her. I'd just let it continue as is and see how it evolves naturally. Edited July 10, 2017 by J-rap 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I think girls and guys can just be friends! There can be more hurdles though, for sure. But I agree, a good friendship is a great foundation, regardless. I don't think I'd say anything either. Because, you do don't know for sure what's going on, and bringing it up might change how your own dd acts or put pressure on her. I'd just let it continue as is and see how it evolves naturally. This has come up before in several different threads. I have a LOT of guy friends, who are like brothers, who I grew up with. I can't say I have made many guy friends separate from DH since I have gotten married though. It is a little more awkward. We are friends with couples. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) Why wouldn't you tell your dd what you think? If you are pretty sure the guy has a romantic interest in your dd, why wouldn't you share that with her so she's prepared in case he suddenly gets up his nerve and declares his undying love? I would feel sorry for the guy that he has had problems with girls, but my own child would be my priority, so I would want her to have as much information as possible. Also, what if your dd accidentally lets it slip to the guy that she thinks he's gay? That could be very hurtful to him if he's thinking of her as a potential girlfriend, only to find out that your dd not only views him as just a friend, but as someone who isn't even straight. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but a young and insecure straight guy would probably not want his romantic interest to have made that kind of error. I am on my third teen now and I agree with this. While I don't tell my kids how to manage their relationships I do share with them what I think. I usually preface it with "I don't know for certain but my life experience is telling me..."They don't always listen but sometimes they do and sometimes they wish they had in hindsight. I would probably say something like "I know you think he is not interested in you but from where I sit it looks it looks like..." and give examples and ask her if she has given that scenario any thought. Then we would discuss how she might react and even role play what she could say if it comes out. I would also remind her that she does not know he is gay unless he tells her. Of course I would say nothing to the boy or make dd handle it in any particular way but we definitely have the type of relationship where I could bring it up. Edited July 10, 2017 by teachermom2834 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) Girls and guys can't ever just be friends, lol. Well friendship is a good foundation for a healthy romantic relationship, after all. I wouldn't say anything either, I don't think. Except to suggest that they shouldn't assume someone is gay, no matter how "gay" they appear. I mean, that's what I would do with my own kids, not necessarily what you should do with yours. :) Also, what if your dd accidentally lets it slip to the guy that she thinks he's gay? That could be very hurtful to him if he's thinking of her as a potential girlfriend, only to find out that your dd not only views him as just a friend, but as someone who isn't even straight. My dd is the least judgmental person ever. She's just always had the gay thing in the back of her mind. One of the strongest reasons is that one of this guy's best friends (they hang out mutually sometimes) is openly gay (in a relationship with someone completely different). So it is just the impression she got when she first met him but they've never really discussed it because she doesn't want to pry. My dd is not a rambler, she is the most mature, careful person about all of her words. She isn't perfect, but she has this ridiculous gift of thinking through every thing she says. She never blurts. Edited July 10, 2017 by Attolia 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) I am on my third teen now and I agree with this. While I don't tell my kids how to manage their relationships I do share with them what I think. I usually preface it with "I don't know for certain but my life experience is telling me..." They don't always listen but sometimes they do and sometimes they wish they had in hindsight. I would probably say something like "I know you think he is not interested in you but from where I sit it looks it looks like..." and give examples and ask her if she has given that scenario any thought. Then we would discuss how she might react and even role play what she could say if it comes out. I would also remind her that she does not know he is gay unless he tells her. Of course I would say nothing to the boy or make dd handle it in any particular way but we definitely have the type of relationship where I could bring it up. DD and I are very close. I know I could bring it up with her. She wouldn't be hurt or offended. I just worry that I am meddling or wrong or what if it ruins their relationship altogether and then I feel like I am to blame. I probably should talk to her, at least hint at it. Edited July 10, 2017 by Attolia 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea1 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Back in my single days, I had a guy friend who everyone thought was gay. I knew he wasn't but my other guy friends insisted he had to be just because he was not as masculine as they thought a guy should be. His dad died when he was very young and he was raised with his sister and mom. He was an awesome guy though and did end up finding the right lady who appreciated all of his wonderful qualities. I think they have 5 kids now. I am so happy for him, even though we don't really keep in touch because I am living across the country these days. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea1 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 DD and I are very close. I know I could bring it up with her. She wouldn't be hurt or offended. I just worry that I am meddling or wrong or what if it ruins their relationship altogether and then I feel like I am to blame. I probably should talk to her, at least hint at it. I think I would at least encourage her to not assume he is gay. There are plenty of guys out there who are not high up on the masculine scale but who are not gay and many of them would be offended to be thought of that way. It is better not to assume. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I agree with others that a lot of the guys I've known who are less masculine have made wonderful husbands. I usually let my kids handle their relationships unless something dire is going on or they're getting hurt. I don't know what I'd do in this situation. Maybe wait it out and see what happens. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 My dd is the least judgmental person ever. She's just always had the gay thing in the back of her mind. One of the strongest reasons is that one of this guy's best friends (they hang out mutually sometimes) is openly gay (in a relationship with someone completely different). So it is just the impression she got when she first met him but they've never really discussed it because she doesn't want to pry. My dd is not a rambler, she is the most mature, careful person about all of her words. She isn't perfect, but she has this ridiculous gift of thinking through every thing she says. She never blurts. DD and I are very close. I know I could bring it up with her. She wouldn't be hurt or offended. I just worry that I am meddling or wrong or what if it ruins their relationship altogether and then I feel like I am to blame. I probably should talk to her, at least hint at it. It's not meddling to give your dd information; it would be meddling if you told her exactly what she had to do with that information, and you're obviously not interested in doing that. :) Also, are you 100% sure she's not at all interested in him? Just because she thinks he's gay doesn't mean she might not be interested in him if she discovered that he's straight. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Just a little encouragement. My husband was the "friend." He went to 8 proms in 2 years because he was the "safe date" for his girl friends. He was a golfer, but not the football type, if that gives you any type of picture. He honestly wondered if he would ever marry because he was always the friend but never the boyfriend. Interesting fact, when I started dating him, one of my friends told me he was "too nice." What the heck does that mean? Another friend said he wasn't assertive enough for me and she pictured me with a motivational speaker type.....professor, pastor, etc..... But we just celebrated our 22nd Anniversary, so, there ya go. The FRIEND can make a great husband. BTW: My mother just sent me a 23rd anniversary card. HAHAHA! You know, Dawn, this is actually very encouraging. I think if he was open with dd, she actually might not outright turn him down. He is a smallish guy, but my dd is super small so they look quite cute together (just my opinion), haha. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) It's not meddling to give your dd information; it would be meddling if you told her exactly what she had to do with that information, and you're obviously not interested in doing that. :) Also, are you 100% sure she's not at all interested in him? Just because she thinks he's gay doesn't mean she might not be interested in him if she discovered that he's straight. No, I think she actually could be interested in him but assumes he would never be interested in her that way. DD is the quieter one in this friendship. He is outgoing. It is so hard not to intervene because I think that if he had any clue she could be interested, he would totally fess up but with his past experiences he won't and she would die before ever letting on if she liked him. Usually she tells me all of her guy interests and she has never expressed to me that she likes him as more. If I ask, she says she doesn't really think he thinks of girls that way. Most guys express an interest in either girls or guys, right? He hasn't really made reference to being interested in either. I have prodded a little with this, haha. He never says anything about a girl looking cute or about dating someone in the past, etc. She has never outright said that she could never like him that way. Bless. Such a mess, right? Edited July 10, 2017 by Attolia 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I'd be fighting the urge to give them both nudges if that was the case :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 I'd be fighting the urge to give them both nudges if that was the case :lol: I have been fighting that for sure. :coolgleamA: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SporkUK Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I would wonder how the young man is telling his feelings to lose all the friendships based on that (though it could be an understandable exaggeration), I confessed my feelings *a lot* as a teen and those I had been friends with before my doing so who turned me down remained friends afterwards. Maybe I was or they were just really gentle or laidback about it all though as I've said in other threads, I was and still am very unsubtle when I have a crush and got rejected a lot so...dunno. I would move away from the repeated refrain in this thread of "can't assume he's gay" to "can't assume anyone's sexuality, he said XYZ so..." because the former is far more loaded and negative sounding to me and may come across as a judgement call rather than trying to point out a flaw in her assumption. I mean, even after mentioning girls he's had a crush on, we can't assume he's straight after all. I wouldn't push beyond that for my kids (and maybe pointing out the very masculine gay and bisexual men they know if that was what their assumption was based on as that seems weird to me) unless one of mine was clearly pining for him and holding back because of it. Hopeless romantic that I am, I try to avoid putting any romantic notions out that aren't coming from the person particularly when they're obviously enjoying the friendship as is. I find the notion I see a lot of 'they're nice and like you so you have to give them a chance romantically' ruins a lot more friendships than builds relationships. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixpix5 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Why wouldn't you tell your dd what you think? If you are pretty sure the guy has a romantic interest in your dd, why wouldn't you share that with her so she's prepared in case he suddenly gets up his nerve and declares his undying love? I would feel sorry for the guy that he has had problems with girls, but my own child would be my priority, so I would want her to have as much information as possible. Also, what if your dd accidentally lets it slip to the guy that she thinks he's gay? That could be very hurtful to him if he's thinking of her as a potential girlfriend, only to find out that your dd not only views him as just a friend, but as someone who isn't even straight. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but a young and insecure straight guy would probably not want his romantic interest to have made that kind of error. Well I was pretty sure my DH was gay when I met him. He clearly wasn't ;) I actually would err on the side of caution. If you bring it up to her she is going to feel awkward and might even pull back a bit from the friendship. What if he doesn't like her that way? That is planting potential issues. I could just see wackiness ensuing in a situation like this. Worst case scenario he puts his heart on the line and tells her and she says no. I think that is part and parcel to growing up and experiencing heartache. Plenty of underdogs get rejected alot before finding the one. What if DD does start to develop feelings on her own time schedule and he is waiting to see if that happens. Again, it needs to be on their own schedule without interference unless DD specifically comes to you and asks. I had this with one of my older boys. I was certain his girl BFF liked him. I bit my tongue for over a year until he found out. When he told me he said "that really surprised me" and I said "oh I was certain of it" and he was so appreciative I didn't say anything as he said it would have been way too awkward thinking that. As it turns out he didn't reciprocate but she got a BF not too long after. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I went through that when I was a teen. I was *so* shocked when he finally kissed me out of the blue it ruined our friendship entirely. Poor guy. My dad was hyper masculine and this guy was not only shy and feminine and friend zoned, two of his closest guy friends were gay. I just assumed. Please tell your DD what you think. She could probably use some time to figure out if she likes him too. And if she does she can think of some subtle way to ask him if he would be interested in her. And if not, she can be more clear he's in the friend zone by obsessing about a crush in front of him. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 I went through that when I was a teen. I was *so* shocked when he finally kissed me out of the blue it ruined our friendship entirely. Poor guy. My dad was hyper masculine and this guy was not only shy and feminine and friend zoned, two of his closest guy friends were gay. I just assumed Thank you for understanding why my dd has assumed :lol: It isn't a totally judgmental proposition, right? If he hangs out with gay guys and is feminine and has never said anything to her about liking a girl. I don't think he has told dd what he told me, to be honest (about always being in the friend zone). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I had a very close male friend in high school who was gay but kept it a secret (this was back in the 80's). Only a few of us knew. I had so many people tell me that they thought he was in love with me, they could tell by the way he looked at me and talked about me, etc., etc. We just laughed about it because neither of us had an iota of romantic interest in the other, we were just very good friends. So, if I were in your shoes, I would stay out of it completely. Unless he comes right out and tells you that he has romantic feelings for your dd, I wouldn't assume that he does because appearances can be deceiving. Just my two cents, of course, but I would be very worried about causing problems in their friendship. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I'd be fighting the urge to give them both nudges if that was the case :lol: Me too. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match and all that. :lol: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Yeah, but what if you tell your DD...and she's interested...only to find out that he actually is gay. That'd make things really awkward... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadrunner Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I would absolutely tell to DD, "Look, you might be right, but also, you might be wrong. Just know it's a possibility in case you have to one day face it. I wouldn't' want you to be blindsided." I don't think that's meddling. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Yeah, but what if you tell your DD...and she's interested...only to find out that he actually is gay. That'd make things really awkward... yep...one of the many reasons I've hesitated :lol: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 yep...one of the many reasons I've hesitated :lol: Eh, if he is expressing interest in girls and is sad about the rejection I'd take him at his word on his expressed sexual preference. It's not like he's fronting and putting on some sort of macho show, which is what a lot of the closeted guys I was around growing up tended to do. Unless he has said otherwise I'd trust his words over her guess, unless he seeks *really* in denial. Poor kiddos. It's hard stuff! And hard to watch without meddling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 And hard to watch without meddling. Oh, bless....yes! so hard not meddle :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I think it'd be easier to speak to the boy. "If you're interested in dd, you'd better let her know you're not gay. This is not to say you'd be in for sure, just general advice! Here, want some bean dip?" I wouldn't worry about causing pain with that because it's more likely to solve pain than cause much more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I think it'd be easier to speak to the boy. "If you're interested in dd, you'd better let her know you're not gay. This is not to say you'd be in for sure, just general advice! Here, want some bean dip?" I wouldn't worry about causing pain with that because it's more likely to solve pain than cause much more. Not being able to "like" your posts is such an injustice :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 Not being able to "like" your posts is such an injustice :D Oh my goodness, I was thinking the same thing :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 (edited) I think it'd be easier to speak to the boy. "If you're interested in dd, you'd better let her know you're not gay. This is not to say you'd be in for sure, just general advice! Here, want some bean dip?" I wouldn't worry about causing pain with that because it's more likely to solve pain than cause much more. I love this. You made me smile, for real. I am not sure he knows that he comes across gay? I would hate to be the one to break it to him :mellow: DD said that one day he was venting about why so many older gay guys hit on him and he seemed lost as to why this happens to him so much :confused1: Bless, I want to fix this so bad :lol: Edited July 11, 2017 by Attolia 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 (edited) I am on my third teen now and I agree with this. While I don't tell my kids how to manage their relationships I do share with them what I think. I usually preface it with "I don't know for certain but my life experience is telling me..." (snipped) OH MY GOSH I need to have that quote made into giant cue cards... it is exactly the phrasing I need but have never been able to come up with! (snipped) Hopeless romantic that I am, I try to avoid putting any romantic notions out that aren't coming from the person particularly when they're obviously enjoying the friendship as is. I find the notion I see a lot of 'they're nice and like you so you have to give them a chance romantically' ruins a lot more friendships than builds relationships. Generally, I do agree... I agree so much that I struggled for far too long with a wonderful young lady who was "dating" a guy who basically, although he was a decent guy in the sense that he wasn't an abusive jerk, ignored her unless hanging out was convenient for him... There was another young gentleman who she was friends with in a shared activity, and EVERYONE knew he liked her. VERY nice young man, friend zoned more because of the other guy and her sense of not being available to date someone else. I didn't want her to think that just because a nice guy was interested she "owed" him a date or anything else, but I really really wanted to nudge her in his direction. As their friendship grew she realized that the first guy was in no way a "boyfriend" and that the nice young man would make a really good one. :wub: So, to the OP, maybe have some conversations with your DD about what would make a guy a good person to consider dating, what would make someone a bad candidate, and occasionally point out the good person qualities of her guy friend. If she thinks he isn't into girls, go with the quote I snipped above... and add whatever is relevant Edited July 11, 2017 by Rebel Yell 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Maybe your DH could show more interest in the guy so that he would have an older male in his life that isn't hitting on him? There are lots of young men out there who don't have strong, healthy relationships with other older males who are decent people. I'm sorry, I'm assuming you're married. My dh and I were friends for 2 years or so; then good friends for almost a year; then best friends...then we got married a few months later. Not that you're looking to marry off your daughter. My future dh had lots of friends but never really dated, until me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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