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Do any of you have issues with your husband/SO feeling like ADHD is just a label for bad parenting, doesn't think it's real, or doesn't agree with the way you think you should address the situation? 

My husband is an incredibly smart man, but with this....I'm just wondering what the heck is wrong with him.
We were talking today about meds and I mentioned something about hoping our doctor would give us meds, especially since she's not convinced it's a real thing. So, DH says "Well, I'm not convinced either. I think it's just often an excuse for bad parenting." Which, unfortunately, led us down a whole rabbit trail of how I'm far more lax than he is with certain things. **I kept my cool. Be proud. haha**

I offered to find articles and studies about ADHD, but he's "reading too many other things right now". This baffles me. I would think that finding out how best to help your kid would come first, but I guess not. I told him that if we're going to help her, I need a partner in this. He says "We are partners. I'm on your team." But, if he doesn't agree with any of it, he's not really on the same team and I feel I'm fighting the battle on my own. 

At this point, ADHD is the one thing we can start to try to control and I think that the meds will help; but he's too freakin stuck in his "bad parenting/too busy to read an article" mentality. 

I don't want to "husband bash", but I am so incredibly frustrated and at a loss with how to deal with this. What do you all do? 

Edited by Southern Ivy
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My DH was anti-pharmaceutical treatment until he saw what an improvement medication made for our DD. I had exhausted the list of suggestions from our integrative neurodevelopmental pediatrician who literally wrote the book on natural treatment for ADHD. The integrative doctor had told us to medicate if DD still had symptoms that interfered with her ability to function in a mainstream setting. He said that even though he believes doctors are far too quick to medicate, there are some kids who truly do need it.

 

We have an appointment to see him again next month since it's been almost 4 years and maybe there are treatments that were not age-appropriate at 4.5 that would be helpful to my DD now that she's 8.5.

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Eh, he doesn't sound that bad. He did *not* say he thinks *you* are a bad parent. He didn't.

 

Maybe get your support from other places for a little while.

 

If you try things and they are helpful -- it goes such a long way. Then -- what is there to be stressed about or disagree about? Just not nearly as much.

 

He sounds like he is being frustrating in how he is supporting you, but he may want to support his child by not thinking any "negative" thing.

 

He is just not there yet and maybe taking your child's side.

 

I have this and it is frustrating, and honestly I minimize how much I talk to my husband about some things. He just wants the basics. He is quick to feel like I am "medicalizing" and I do not feel that I am at all, but he quickly feels like that even to discuss things.

 

He has a sensitive heart.

 

It is a good thing about him but he is not the best when there is a need to look at things clearly and say "okay realistically this is where we are at."

 

My main thing is -- if you do some ADHD strategies (edit -- for us, autism strategies) and they are helpful -- then your husband hopefully will see that things are helpful and also do them.

 

But my husband likes to re-cast everything as "it is just parenting, nothing special."

 

Well -- maybe it IS special. But in our house it is nothing special anymore, it is just what we do.

 

To him -- that is how he handles things.

 

I am more likely to think of things as using certain way of doing things because of how it ties into an autism diagnosis.

 

My husband *hates* that kind of thought, but he is happy to call things "parenting" and do them.

 

Well -- it is not something we really talk about a lot -- we have other things to talk about.

 

Things have a way of going along until occasionally we need to make a joint decision, and then he DOES need to deal with it. Then we make the decision. Then he can go back to not thinking about it very much.

 

If you want agreeing to try medication to be a joint, agreed-upon decision ----- I think just take "okay" for an answer. He might not be up to super-expressive support.

 

But do you want him to help with the details, if you need help to decide "is this working?" Or with any things that come up ----- will he be helpful then?

 

My husband would be helpful then, even if he was just not very involved in a lot of the decision-making process.

 

My husband does also have an outside perspective, almost, too, because he is less-involved so he has less invested, so sometimes he is the one to say "it's not working out" when I have a lot invested and have a hard time seeing it. That doesn't come up often, but when it does it is so helpful.

 

But -- I guess overall I just hope he is supportive in some practical ways, and that he can get over his denial or whatever pretty quickly.

Edited by Lecka
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My DH was anti-pharmaceutical treatment until he saw what an improvement medication made for our DD. I had exhausted the list of suggestions from our integrative neurodevelopmental pediatrician who literally wrote the book on natural treatment for ADHD. The integrative doctor had told us to medicate if DD still had symptoms that interfered with her ability to function in a mainstream setting. He said that even though he believes doctors are far too quick to medicate, there are some kids who truly do need it.

 

We have an appointment to see him again next month since it's been almost 4 years and maybe there are treatments that were not age-appropriate at 4.5 that would be helpful to my DD now that she's 8.5.

I need to check out the book. 

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Hugs!  Dealing with a child ADHD is hard enough, I'm sorry your husband is not on the same page.  Kudos to you for keeping your cool!    

 

A few thoughts: 

 

1. I'd switch doctors IMMEDIATELY if they weren't convinced ADHD was a "real thing."  You need professionals who are ON YOUR SIDE!  

 

Something that helped me personally acknowledge that my ADHD daughter's issues were biologically based and not "all my fault" was taking her to an Occupational Therapist and a Physical Therapist every week.  They found that she had retained reflexes and some motor planning issues.  We also discovered that my daughter had developmental vision issues and took her to a Vision Therapist. These issues are frequently found in kids with ADHD.  They also work on her behavioral and social issues with the curriculum "Zones of Regulation" and "Superflex."  It helped to have trained professionals acknowledge that the issues I was seeing weren't in the range of normal. They were with her for a few hours weekly, one-on-one, and even with all their training struggled to control her impulsiveness and hyperactivity. Perhaps having your child and husband interact with some professionals who "get it" would be helpful.  

 

 

2. It sounds like perhaps the main issue between you is a lack of agreement on how to deal with behavioral issues. And, if your child is anything like mine behavior issues are an everyday battle, so getting on the same page with that was crucial for my husband and I. 

 

For a long time my husband probably felt I was too lax with the kids (although he didn't voice it much, wise man.)  His parents were quite old when he was born so his Dad, especially was a no- nonsense disciplinarian who spanked.  The method that helped me and my husband feel like a team was the Kazdin method.  Kazdin talks about antecedents, (everything you do before a situation to make sure it goes well)  keeping calm and finding the "positive opposite" of the behavior that you don't want to see, and having them do that a lot and then praising them for it.  My husband has only skimmed the book, but I have told him enough about it.  I think my husband especially liked what he saw with the antecedents.  That is, we are constantly making a "plan" on how we are going to handle situations before they happen.  Kids with ADHD thrive with STRUCTURE.  So, for example, animals in general make two of my children OVER THE TOP excited.  If we go anywhere that we know there is going to be an animal  we prepare the children mentally as we drive there. They have clear expectations on how much they are going to be able to interact with the animal and what behavior is "expected" and "unexpected."  We talk to my daughter about what zone she is going to feel in when she sees the animal (yellow zone) and how she is going to use her SUPERFLEX strategies to conquer impulsiveness that will lead to consequences she doesn't like.  

 

Bottom line: Behavioral therapy is a powerful tool that will help both of you feel more confident and calm about the way you approach things.  If your husband isn't on board, start doing it yourself and gaining confidence, and hopefully he will see the positive results.  

 

3. If this issue between you isn't going away, I would recommend finding a good couples therapist.  Good luck to you and hang in there!  

 

P.S. Here are the links to the Kazdin books, Zones of Regulation and Superflex: 

 

https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Parenting-Toolkit-Step-Step/dp/0544227824/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1499263183&sr=8-2&keywords=kazdin

https://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1499263183&sr=8-1&keywords=kazdin

 

http://www.zonesofregulation.com/index.html

 

https://www.socialthinking.com/Products/Superflex%20A%20Superhero%20Social%20Thinking%20Curriculum%20Package

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eh, he doesn't sound that bad. He did *not* say he thinks *you* are a bad parent. He didn't.

 

Maybe get your support from other places for a little while.

 

If you try things and they are helpful -- it goes such a long way. Then -- what is there to be stressed about or disagree about? Just not nearly as much.

 

He sounds like he is being frustrating in how he is supporting you, but he may want to support his child by not thinking any "negative" thing.

 

He is just not there yet and maybe taking your child's side.

 

I have this and it is frustrating, and honestly I minimize how much I talk to my husband about some things. He just wants the basics. He is quick to feel like I am "medicalizing" and I do not feel that I am at all, but he quickly feels like that even to discuss things.

 

He has a sensitive heart.

 

It is a good thing about him but he is not the best when there is a need to look at things clearly and say "okay realistically this is where we are at."

 

My main thing is -- if you do some ADHD strategies and they are helpful -- then your husband hopefully will see that things are helpful and also do them.

 

But my husband likes to re-cast everything as "it is just parenting, nothing special."

 

Well -- maybe it IS special. But in our house it is nothing special anymore, it is just what we do.

 

To him -- that is how he handles things.

 

I am more likely to think of things as using certain way of doing things because of how it ties into an autism diagnosis.

 

My husband *hates* that kind of thought, but he is happy to call things "parenting" and do them.

 

Well -- it is not something we really talk about a lot -- we have other things to talk about.

 

Things have a way of going along until occasionally we need to make a joint decision, and then he DOES need to deal with it. Then we make the decision. Then he can go back to not thinking about it very much.

 

If you want agreeing to try medication to be a joint, agreed-upon decision ----- I think just take "okay" for an answer. He might not be up to super-expressive support.

 

But do you want him to help with the details, if you need help to decide "is this working?" Or with any things that come up ----- will he be helpful then?

 

My husband would be helpful then, even if he was just not very involved in a lot of the decision-making process.

 

My husband does also have an outside perspective, almost, too, because he is less-involved so he has less invested, so sometimes he is the one to say "it's not working out" when I have a lot invested and have a hard time seeing it. That doesn't come up often, but when it does it is so helpful.

 

But -- I guess overall I just hope he is supportive in some practical ways, and that he can get over his denial or whatever pretty quickly.

Are we married to the same man? lol 

 

I think when he sees that the meds helps and that it also helps her to be able to work on her other learning challenges, I think he will understand. My mom has been a great support and has given him some great feedback (which he willingly accepts), but he's still skeptical. I guess it will take awhile. 

 

Thank you for the perspective. I needed it. :D 

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I need to check out the book. 

 

Some of the suggestions were helpful. They just didn't bring enough improvement to eliminate the need for medication.

 

The psychiatrist who initially prescribed the meds said that my DD had the worst case of hyperactivity she'd seen in 18 years of practice. This was after OT, applied behavioral analysis, and all the diet & supplements we'd tried. Now it *WAS* most likely during the period where DD had an undetected hearing loss. The difficulty hearing definitely worsened the ADHD. But even after DD got her cochlear implant, she still had plenty of residual symptoms.

 

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 They also work on her behavioral and social issues with the curriculum "Zones of Regulation" and "Superflex."  It helped to have trained professionals acknowledge that the issues I was seeing weren't in the range of normal. They were with her for a few hours weekly, one-on-one, and even with all their training struggled to control her impulsiveness and hyperactivity. Perhaps having your child and husband interact with some professionals who "get it" would be helpful.  

 

 

The speech therapist who is facilitating my DD's social skills group uses Zones and We Thinkers (new name for Incredible Flexible You). She's really good at adapting the concepts to a level that my DD can understand. Making Social Language Stick is another program that the social skills group draws from.

 

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Hugs!  Dealing with a child ADHD is hard enough, I'm sorry your husband is not on the same page.  Kudos to you for keeping your cool!    

 

A few thoughts: 

 

1. I'd switch doctors IMMEDIATELY if they weren't convinced ADHD was a "real thing."  You need professionals who are ON YOUR SIDE!  

 

Something that helped me personally acknowledge that my ADHD daughter's issues were biologically based and not "all my fault" was taking her to an Occupational Therapist and a Physical Therapist every week.  They found that she had retained reflexes and some motor planning issues.  We also discovered that my daughter had developmental vision issues and took her to a Vision Therapist. These issues are frequently found in kids with ADHD.  They also work on her behavioral and social issues with the curriculum "Zones of Regulation" and "Superflex."  It helped to have trained professionals acknowledge that the issues I was seeing weren't in the range of normal. They were with her for a few hours weekly, one-on-one, and even with all their training struggled to control her impulsiveness and hyperactivity. Perhaps having your child and husband interact with some professionals who "get it" would be helpful.  

We are currently getting evals for speech and OT. So, definitely in the works! We went to a developmental optometrist and he said no VT at this point. But, gave me some things to watch for and to bring her back if we noticed them. 

 

I really hate to change peds. I love her...except for this one thing. But, I think we're headed in that direction. I need to get some good recommendations. 

 

 

2. It sounds like perhaps the main issue between you is a lack of agreement on how to deal with behavioral issues. And, if your child is anything like mine behavior issues are an everyday battle, so getting on the same page with that was crucial for my husband and I. 

 

For a long time my husband probably felt I was too lax with the kids (although he didn't voice it much, wise man.)  His parents were quite old when he was born so his Dad, especially was a no- nonsense disciplinarian who spanked.  The method that helped me and my husband feel like a team was the Kazdin method.  Kazdin talks about antecedents, (everything you do before a situation to make sure it goes well)  keeping calm and finding the "positive opposite" of the behavior that you don't want to see, and having them do that a lot and then praising them for it.  My husband has only skimmed the book, but I have told him enough about it.  I think my husband especially liked what he saw with the antecedents.  That is, we are constantly making a "plan" on how we are going to handle situations before they happen.  Kids with ADHD thrive with STRUCTURE.  So, for example, animals in general make two of my children OVER THE TOP excited.  If we go anywhere that we know there is going to be an animal  we prepare the children mentally as we drive there. They have clear expectations on how much they are going to be able to interact with the animal and what behavior is "expected" and "unexpected."  We talk to my daughter about what zone she is going to feel in when she sees the animal (yellow zone) and how she is going to use her SUPERFLEX strategies to conquer impulsiveness that will lead to consequences she doesn't like.  

 

Bottom line: Behavioral therapy is a powerful tool that will help both of you feel more confident and calm about the way you approach things.  If your husband isn't on board, start doing it yourself and gaining confidence, and hopefully he will see the positive results.  

Dh's dad was 60 when he was born; his mom was 30. (Bizarre, I know.) His dad was very hard - think the Depression Era. I know his mom spanked for EVERYTHING. It's something DH has carried over - dd was having trouble completing her potty training (finally figured everything out at 4.5 years), but DH wanted to spank her for not pooping on the potty. HUGE argument over that - he leans toward corporal; I try everything else first. 

I'll look into the Kazdin method. Thank you for the suggestion. 

We ARE looking into CBT once she's on the medication. My mom has seen a lot of positive results with students at her school. 

 

 

 

3. If this issue between you isn't going away, I would recommend finding a good couples therapist.  Good luck to you and hang in there!  

 

We usually reach a mutual undesrstanding. It's just not met right now. If we don't, though, we'll definitely look into counseling. 

 

P.S. Here are the links to the Kazdin books, Zones of Regulation and Superflex: 

 

https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Parenting-Toolkit-Step-Step/dp/0544227824/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1499263183&sr=8-2&keywords=kazdin

https://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1499263183&sr=8-1&keywords=kazdin

 

http://www.zonesofregulation.com/index.html

 

https://www.socialthinking.com/Products/Superflex%20A%20Superhero%20Social%20Thinking%20Curriculum%20Package

 

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You got so much good advice here. If your dh is willing to get out of the way, just proceed forward. And yes, I've said before multiple times you'll get better advice if you get a ped with more experience with ADHD.

 

There's actually a lot of room to have opinions and differences of opinions on how to work with ADHD. There are PLENTY of adults with significant ADHD who go their whole lives without meds! He's NOT WRONG to see more paths or say well the kid is like me and I made it. But it's short-sighted if he doesn't have the data to realize where she's different. She might be like him in some ways (if the ADHD came from him), but she's bringing her own genetic mutations, her own mix. 

 

So it can be that in the dc's mix things are more severe, maybe not quite as functional, as they were for the parent. And if the parent says well it turned out fine for me and the parent doesn't have the data to realize the dc has their own unique path, then it can be really head in the sand. And that catches up eventually and gets ugly. Really ugly.

 

So you can acknowledge where he's coming from and still gather your data and still say you know, I think this is what the data says and this is the way we need to go. 

 

And me, I'm more picky than that these days. *I* have to teach the dc therefore *I* have more weight on what happens. If *I* am teaching him and *I* say it's an issue, you can't just go well I take the kid to do xyz preferred, low demand, non-academic thing and it never comes up so it's really not an issue, kwim? I have to teach him, so I'm putting him in higher demand, more challenging situations where he needs everything to come together. And if I say it's an issue, it's an issue.

 

But yeah, like Lecka says, if he's not actually blaming you for the behaviors, it's a mercy. Being blamed for extreme behaviors is not pretty. There's a reason some of these SN labels have extreme divorce rates in families, because it tears people apart.

 

So don't tear apart. Gather your data, be realistic, be gentle. But me, I wouldn't keep anyone who doesn't help you work toward evidence-based practices and good advice. People give me bad advice, I axe their butts. Extreme SN are pretty high stakes situations in my book, and I have a really short leash for bad advice. The consequences are too significant.

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Some of the suggestions were helpful. They just didn't bring enough improvement to eliminate the need for medication.

 

The psychiatrist who initially prescribed the meds said that my DD had the worst case of hyperactivity she'd seen in 18 years of practice. This was after OT, applied behavioral analysis, and all the diet & supplements we'd tried. Now it *WAS* most likely during the period where DD had an undetected hearing loss. The difficulty hearing definitely worsened the ADHD. But even after DD got her cochlear implant, she still had plenty of residual symptoms.

 

The neuropsych who diagnosed dd said she was one of the worst cases of ADHD she had seen. This was BEFORE any kind of therapy...AND having had a blue coconut slush because I wasn't thinking about dyes and their effects. 

Still, she's having issues in Sunday school which is pretty high energy. So, it's affecting aspects of life and I don't want her always getting in trouble for things she can't control. 

DD's anxiety is amping up as well. I really think she needs the meds so we can focus on behavioral therapy and address the anxiety. 

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:grouphug:

 

Yes, I got this too.  Many times.  And sometimes in incredibly hurtful ways.  

 

1.  Part of that was fear.  DH has a lot of learning challenges that he struggled with on his own throughout school.  I suspect he did not want, subconsciously or consciously, to believe that he might have passed on some of his own struggles to his kids.  

2.  Part of it is his family has a very suck it up buttercup mentality regardless of circumstances and cannot conceive of another viewpoint.  

3.  Plus, he made it through his school years and has a very successful career.  Why can't the kids?  He refused to acknowledge how many things that led him down a successful path were due to luck or a benevolent outside support person.  He genuinely believes it was all him even though I know differently (not to take away from his accomplishments because he really is brilliant and works incredibly hard and has done some amazing things in his life, but he might never have had the opportunity to do those things in the first place if others had not stepped in to help and if luck had not put him in the right place at the right time on several occasions - heck he nearly dropped out of high school).

4.  And part of it is that even the medical professionals here frequently have the same attitude.  I was told to my face by two different medical professionals that my dyslexic daughter did not have dyslexia because dyslexia doesn't exist.  It is just lazy kids being catered to by overindulgent parents (it was irrelevant that I had mentioned repeatedly that my child was working 10 times harder in her classroom than her classmates but was falling further and further behind).

 

Even though it sucks and is unfair, stop trying to work with your DH as a partner right now.  Simply work with the doctor and seek support from other sources for the time being.  If meds end up being warranted by the doc, clearly lay out for your DH what will be happening and what you expect from him to help make this trial have a fighting chance but don't "discuss".  Just do it.  If changes happen that are positive, great.  But don't make it out to be a miracle.  Just let him notice the changes for the better and periodically mention any benefits in a casual way, not an in your face way.  If things don't work as expected, and you want to keep trying (this can be a long process) then do so.  Don't discuss.  Just explain.  If he asks questions, answer without reaction or defensiveness. Facts only.  Minimal.  

 

Eventually he may come to accept that this was a good course of action.  Or not.  Hopefully he will.  And hopefully meds will actually help your child to function successfully.  Trying to convince your DH right now is almost certainly fruitless and may cause him to dig in on the opposite side.

 

:grouphug:

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You mentioned spanking. I'm not anti-spanking.(I know I'm the MINORITY on WTM on this, but I'm just splaining...)  I'm cool with Ted Tripp, done with the tight focus on relationship and restoration that Ted Tripp describes, and I think spanking can be a reasonable tool. I think there's a lot of variation in the normal realm of personalities, so you get people who spank a lot, people who never spank, etc. and some of it is just personalities and mix too. I'm coming at it from a Bible-believing perspective, but I don't think it has to be in the MUST SPANK A LOT thing that some people really got off on. Like the Bible really doesn't say that. On the other hand, it's really in there, which to me means that, for a population, it can be a tool in the toolbox and instructive and useful.

 

Is my ds a population? No. My ds is an individual, and he has his own development, his own sensory, etc. He's an individual. Same with foster children, kids who were abused, etc. Some situations you really have to step back and use your head!

 

I have no clue if that applies to your dd or not. That's a pretty basic parenting gig to sort out. I do know people who spanked over pottying, so I know what you mean. I am thankful that was not a discussion in our house. Like that would be WAY out of my comfort zone, and I think the people I know who did it sort of grew out of that style of hyper-controlling parenting. 

 

But just to say oh take all spanking off the table because she has ADHD (specifically because she has ADHD), I'm not sure that's legit. I'm not sure that's wise. I think it IS reasonable to want an OT eval for sensory to know ok this is what it's doing to her body. For my ds, ANY form of spanking is SO disruptive that he would literally wet his pants for days. So I don't care what anybody thinks (oh it's biblical, do it anyway), that's hogwash. You're not going to spank a dc who doesn't get cause/effect, who isn't able to learn from the experience, and who finds it so overwhelming for sensory that they are literally out of whack for DAYS. God didn't intend that and that means it's not a good tool by ANYONE'S standards. Not cool, not reasonable.

 

But if she gets cause/effect, isn't whacked out by it, and it's more a disagreement between you and your dh, well that's something where you need to bridge. You can read more and get more techniques. You could say you know, I personally have some issues with spanking for xyz. You could agree on parameters where you're ok with HIM spanking, even if you don't, and you could agree on situations where you want more tools and are going to get more tools.

 

That's a normal thing among people who spank, to go to a class and go ok, we spank for these reasons and we DON'T spank for these reasons. We use this process, with this goal, with these steps of restoration, and we ONLY do it under these conditions and situations. That's a normal thing people do. And I personally would not advise spanking randomly, without that analysis and agreement of ok this is why we spank, when we spank, how we spank. I would be ok with him spanking and you not. And I would try to bring him up to speed with more tools for the things you're like hey, for these situations that don't fit the things we agreed to, these are some other tools. And you can practice and model and learn some other parenting tools. It's a normal thing couples do when they have kids, working through these hard issues. We did it when our dd was young. I went to parenting classes and it helped me think about what/where/when/why, etc. And I was listening to really different voices! LIke I went to a Ted Tripp style women's group and also went to La Leche League, total opposite schools of camp! And it was good to realize ok, maybe people aren't using ALL their tools, maybe people like to be simplistic, maybe people just react and don't really think about why they're doing things and have some intention and planning there.

 

But me, just to take things off the table completely, I wouldn't, not without evidence. But that's just me. That should ahve been agreed to ahead if you felt THAT strongly about it.

Edited by OhElizabeth
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The neuropsych who diagnosed dd said she was one of the worst cases of ADHD she had seen. This was BEFORE any kind of therapy...AND having had a blue coconut slush because I wasn't thinking about dyes and their effects. 

Still, she's having issues in Sunday school which is pretty high energy. So, it's affecting aspects of life and I don't want her always getting in trouble for things she can't control. 

DD's anxiety is amping up as well. I really think she needs the meds so we can focus on behavioral therapy and address the anxiety. 

 

The fascinating thing is how many things from your list can improve with the meds. 

 

So you got the VT eval done, score, awesome, something eliminated. My ds was similar at that age. Like he's saying, it's just stuff you watch. Kids can be percolating along fine and then they have issues. Sounds like you got a good doc who's not trying to just do therapy on everyone. Awesome.

 

Sometimes the meds decrease anxiety by increasing the dc's ability to function. It's very contradictory. Like you assume the meds will make them more anxious, and they might not. They might or they might not. 

 

So when is your OT eval? Did you find someone who knows anything about retained reflexes? Or did you find some videos on youtube to do some testing? And you were making your diet changes. How are those going? I know, we put colored m&ms on the rice krispies yesterday to be patriotic, hehe. Even though I don't like hawkishly keep him from stuff or log trying to find reactions, I also avoid it for the most, most, most part out of caution.

 

High energy could be very overwhelming and hard to follow. Have you thought about a quieter church, a smaller church, somewhere where she could be paired? I just switched churches with ds. I had to take some large, otherwise fine, churches off the table, trying to get a situation that would his reality.

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Not exactly the same, but DH and I have been doing this strange dance over this for the past few years. It was me that had grown up immersed in the "ADD = bad parenting" camp while he had grown up seeing meds taking a miserable toll on this two younger brothers and his family as a whole. So I think that while dh believed it was real, he wasn't interested in meds, and I was dragging myself along thinking we had incredibly poor parenting skills. Happy to say we're on the same page now, but I am doing the reading and dh is not much interested in educating himself on the topic, beyond talking with the doc and hearing my executive summaries of reading recommendations. Could be a bit of a dad thing.

 

 

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Not exactly the same, but DH and I have been doing this strange dance over this for the past few years. It was me that had grown up immersed in the "ADD = bad parenting" camp while he had grown up seeing meds taking a miserable toll on this two younger brothers and his family as a whole. So I think that while dh believed it was real, he wasn't interested in meds, and I was dragging myself along thinking we had incredibly poor parenting skills. Happy to say we're on the same page now, but I am doing the reading and dh is not much interested in educating himself on the topic, beyond talking with the doc and hearing my executive summaries of reading recommendations. Could be a bit of a dad thing.

 

 

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Ok, I'll bite. How did meds take a terrible toll on his family??

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Just poorly matched prescriptions, and too little continuity in medical care (army). Youngest turned out to be bipolar and the meds he was prescribed made things worse. I'm not sure exactly. Dh is a little closed lipped about it, but I believe him. I think he's trying to respect privacy.

 

ETA: I don't think I made it clear that we are both firmly in the " yes we need pharmaceutical help" camp now. Evaluations made that clear and dh has been convinced that the medications and the ways in which they are matched to kids have come a long way in the last 25 years.

 

 

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The fascinating thing is how many things from your list can improve with the meds. 

 

So you got the VT eval done, score, awesome, something eliminated. My ds was similar at that age. Like he's saying, it's just stuff you watch. Kids can be percolating along fine and then they have issues. Sounds like you got a good doc who's not trying to just do therapy on everyone. Awesome.

 

Sometimes the meds decrease anxiety by increasing the dc's ability to function. It's very contradictory. Like you assume the meds will make them more anxious, and they might not. They might or they might not. 

 

So when is your OT eval? Did you find someone who knows anything about retained reflexes? Or did you find some videos on youtube to do some testing? And you were making your diet changes. How are those going? I know, we put colored m&ms on the rice krispies yesterday to be patriotic, hehe. Even though I don't like hawkishly keep him from stuff or log trying to find reactions, I also avoid it for the most, most, most part out of caution.

 

High energy could be very overwhelming and hard to follow. Have you thought about a quieter church, a smaller church, somewhere where she could be paired? I just switched churches with ds. I had to take some large, otherwise fine, churches off the table, trying to get a situation that would his reality.

yes, he was the one who mentioned APD. 

 

At this time, we feel it's where we need to be. But, I've sneaked back to watch her a bit and she seems to do ok. They are great about letting her dance in the back during music or stand. It's actually in the smaller classroom settings when they ask questions and stuff that she seems to be having a hard time. I think it's 1) attention span and 2) processing what is being asked. 

 

I was trying to get an OT with the speech therapists office, but they've had a staffing change, so that won't be possible right now. So, I just called another office. I'm waiting on her to give me a call. 

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You mentioned spanking. I'm not anti-spanking.(I know I'm the MINORITY on WTM on this, but I'm just splaining...)  I'm cool with Ted Tripp, done with the tight focus on relationship and restoration that Ted Tripp describes, and I think spanking can be a reasonable tool. I think there's a lot of variation in the normal realm of personalities, so you get people who spank a lot, people who never spank, etc. and some of it is just personalities and mix too. I'm coming at it from a Bible-believing perspective, but I don't think it has to be in the MUST SPANK A LOT thing that some people really got off on. Like the Bible really doesn't say that. On the other hand, it's really in there, which to me means that, for a population, it can be a tool in the toolbox and instructive and useful.

 

Is my ds a population? No. My ds is an individual, and he has his own development, his own sensory, etc. He's an individual. Same with foster children, kids who were abused, etc. Some situations you really have to step back and use your head!

 

I have no clue if that applies to your dd or not. That's a pretty basic parenting gig to sort out. I do know people who spanked over pottying, so I know what you mean. I am thankful that was not a discussion in our house. Like that would be WAY out of my comfort zone, and I think the people I know who did it sort of grew out of that style of hyper-controlling parenting. 

 

But just to say oh take all spanking off the table because she has ADHD (specifically because she has ADHD), I'm not sure that's legit. I'm not sure that's wise. I think it IS reasonable to want an OT eval for sensory to know ok this is what it's doing to her body. For my ds, ANY form of spanking is SO disruptive that he would literally wet his pants for days. So I don't care what anybody thinks (oh it's biblical, do it anyway), that's hogwash. You're not going to spank a dc who doesn't get cause/effect, who isn't able to learn from the experience, and who finds it so overwhelming for sensory that they are literally out of whack for DAYS. God didn't intend that and that means it's not a good tool by ANYONE'S standards. Not cool, not reasonable.

 

But if she gets cause/effect, isn't whacked out by it, and it's more a disagreement between you and your dh, well that's something where you need to bridge. You can read more and get more techniques. You could say you know, I personally have some issues with spanking for xyz. You could agree on parameters where you're ok with HIM spanking, even if you don't, and you could agree on situations where you want more tools and are going to get more tools.

 

That's a normal thing among people who spank, to go to a class and go ok, we spank for these reasons and we DON'T spank for these reasons. We use this process, with this goal, with these steps of restoration, and we ONLY do it under these conditions and situations. That's a normal thing people do. And I personally would not advise spanking randomly, without that analysis and agreement of ok this is why we spank, when we spank, how we spank. I would be ok with him spanking and you not. And I would try to bring him up to speed with more tools for the things you're like hey, for these situations that don't fit the things we agreed to, these are some other tools. And you can practice and model and learn some other parenting tools. It's a normal thing couples do when they have kids, working through these hard issues. We did it when our dd was young. I went to parenting classes and it helped me think about what/where/when/why, etc. And I was listening to really different voices! LIke I went to a Ted Tripp style women's group and also went to La Leche League, total opposite schools of camp! And it was good to realize ok, maybe people aren't using ALL their tools, maybe people like to be simplistic, maybe people just react and don't really think about why they're doing things and have some intention and planning there.

 

But me, just to take things off the table completely, I wouldn't, not without evidence. But that's just me. That should ahve been agreed to ahead if you felt THAT strongly about it.

It's not off the table completely, but physical things that she can't control (like figuring out how to poop in the toilet)? Not for me. I stood very firmly on that one. 

There are times I am ok with it, but there are other times that other methods of redirection and instruction are more beneficial. She's very sensitive and she typically does very well with a warning or having items taken away. 

 

John is just stuck in "my mom did this, so I know it works". I don't tell him "Your mom is an absolute loon. Are we really going to do what she did?" lol I'm a good girl. But, seriously, I don't do ANYTHING is mom did. Besides, this is the same woman who gets mad at me for asking her to stop making my child scream in a restaurant. **she makes me lose my ever loving mind** 

Anyway, with him, I typically say "Let's try these techniques first." He does them, but he'd rather just spank. However, that doesn't teach her why not to do something or the techniques to stop a behavior. 

 

I love him, but his "that's what I grew up" mentality is driving me up the wall. lol He is so black and white that it's hard for him to think about alternatives.

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I will second liking the Kazdin books. They aren't sufficient for me with my son with autism, but I think they are so good and I use a lot of ideas from them!

 

Something that is "different" for me -- an idea of doing things because they are effective, not because they are part of a parenting philosophy or moral view of parenting.

 

I still have that, but it comes into play in other ways. Like -- maybe from talking or discussing, or pointing things out.

 

But what is effective, what is personally and individually effective, has become what is most important to me.

 

It is very pragmatic and not what I ever thought I would be like, but it is one of those things where when things are working out then it just goes a long way.

 

Good luck!!!!!!! It is a process, it sounds like you are doing well getting started and finding things that make sense to try :)

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This is something I have told my husband.... if things work I want to do them. But I want things to work, too.

 

Some people believe that spanking does work and that parents are throwing out the best and most effective tool they have got, when they don't spank.

 

I don't believe that is what evidence shows.

 

Well -- I think, again, it is good enough if your husband follows your lead. Maybe no need for philosophical debates over something you disagree about. You know what I mean? If you have things and they are working -- then you have so much ground to say "it will be easier when we are consistent with each other."

 

And -- I am small, so I have told my husband -- I need to have effective discipline that I can realistically practice on my own, not dependent on him or threatening the kids with "you're in trouble when dad gets home."

 

Your husband is willing to do this hard thing, I think, that he thinks is a good thing.

 

But you know -- if he goes along with you, and you are finding more effective ways and ways that teach, then -- well, you don't *have* to get into philosophical discussions about it.

 

And then -- maybe he doesn't want to go into examining the idea that maybe his dad didn't handle things the best, from loyalty to his dad. That is hard to ask someone to kind-of criticize their parents, and this may be pretty touchy if his mom also drives you crazy.

 

I don't think it is worth fighting over if it is possible to just.... not fight about it.

 

Yes some things have to be discussed.

 

But some things are optional!

 

There is a middle place where things are discussed and not avoided, that need to be talked about and agreed upon. But where things aren't talked about too much if it's not necessary and kind-of just upsetting.

 

It is hard but you do want to get along with your husband and be on the same page..... we do this better by sticking to practical stuff more than philosophical debates that don't get into ----- well a lot of thoughts about parenting and things that involve behavior issues.

 

And advice I should have gotten.... cut him some slack if he does some things worse than you. He will probably improve if he is trying!!!!!!! Maybe he will even have some useful contributions or even feedback for you! It took some time (sadly a lot of time) but i feel that way now, and it used to be..... not so much.

 

It's an autism book, but Not My Boy by Rodney Peete, is about a dad who comes around, and I read it a couple of times, it is very good for a book about a dad coming around. And it tells some of his thought processes when he seems like he is being kind-of a jerk.

Edited by Lecka
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Dh spent quite a bit of time in the land of de-Nile and then quite a bit of time in bargaining (if we just do x, y, and z then we can fix this). He eventually came around, and once he really understood things, apologized a whole heck of a lot.

 

R. is an only kid. That makes it hard because you don't have an easy reference for "normal". She's also young, and things that are tolerated at 4,5, and 6 are suddenly very not ok at 7,8, and 9. You have a variety of professionals and evidence weighing in. Is dh part of those conversations?

 

Personally, I had to stop hedging my conversations with dh and be blunt. Instead of saying, "So, uh, the doctor said that maybe...." I said, "The tests show that child is performing at the 12% level compared to age peers."

 

My ped was not well versed in all that we had going on--we went to a duality system of seeing a specialist (developmental ped) and my regular ped.

 

It all worked out, but what you are experiencing is unfortunately really common. It's part of the frustration. (((M & R))))

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..., this is the same woman who gets mad at me for asking her to stop making my child scream in a restaurant. **she makes me lose my ever loving mind** 

Anyway, with him, I typically say "Let's try these techniques first." He does them, but he'd rather just spank. However, that doesn't teach her why not to do something or the techniques to stop a behavior. 

 

I love him, but his "that's what I grew up" mentality is driving me up the wall. lol He is so black and white that it's hard for him to think about alternatives.

 

You know this in your head, but PREVENTION is worth a lot. Like if a behavior is happening every time you have a certain situation, it might be better just to change the situation for a while and not go back to that situation till you've worked on it with more tools, in smaller steps, with more instruction.

 

Spanking does not preclude instruction, and I shudder to think if anyone is using to to "stop a behavior" kwim? That was never the point. Like it's not that your dc is having a behavior and you just whack 'em, kwim? It was SUPPOSED to involve instruction, preset, clearly defined expectations and consequences, and limited use with a goal to reconciliation. So if you were to talk to people who spank (an older lady in the church) who has really thought it out, they might say something like that they spank only for: 1) rebellion, and 2) for hurting self or others. And somebody is free to disagree with that and have lots of other suggestions or think that's responding to hitting with hitting, fine, whatever. I'm just saying those are the two LIMITED, NARROW really legit reasons for people who are thoughtful spankers. Once you come out of that and go oh I whacked my kid for wetting his bed, etc., etc. I'm with you that I'm really wondering.

 

So it's really important all the things you're NOT spanking for. By saying the only things you WILL spank for, it can get you on the same page, like oh that's not what is going on, the behavior I'm seeing is not, at it's root, fitting into either of those categories, so it's not on the table to spank. That's huge. 

 

Then you read Ted Tripp and go even if you do spank, there should have been a lot of TEACHING!! All the greek there in the Bible was about TEACHING them. So you TEACH them and practice the behavior before you ever expect the behavior and inform them of the consequences and enforce the consequences, kwim? Lots of teaching. Teach the intended behavior and practice it. When you do that, then you know that they CAN DO IT, kwim? I would NOT spank for any behavior that you have not practiced and taught enough that you know they can do it within reasonable levels of supports/prompts.

 

That helps eliminate the whole "that kid really annoyed me and was doing xyz so I spanked them to put them in their place" kinda thing. Even people who are ok with spanking say teach first, teach often.

 

I like truth wherever I find it. Like to me, if I find truth in the disciplining materials that teach about getting on their level, getting eye contact, tomato staking, doing more positive than negative, redirecting to head off problems creatively, etc., etc., and then I go to RDI or ABA or some of these other things targeted at SN kids and I see the same thing, well I go NO DUH. Good strategies are good strategies. 

 

Your MIL doesn't sound very calm. That doesn't seem like a stable thing for an adult to be saying in front of a child, let alone a grandchild with whom they probably hope to have a permanent, loving relationship. I would really do some problem-solving there. I would pre-teach to your dd the expected behavior and practice it. You may need to practice going out to eat without your MIL, so you know your dd can have the expected behavior. If she can't, then hire a babysitter or take along someone who is planning to watch her. Hopefully you can find some strategies that would work for her. With that APD, you might find patterns with certain restaurants being better than others. You could say hey we want to take you out, MIL, but we have to go to this restaurant that doesn't aggravate her hearing problem. 

 

It's good if your dh treats his mother respectfully. Hopefully that transfers over to you too. You don't really get very far bashing a MIL, mercy. That blood thing is thick. I would just let it go and problem solve. You can't solve how unstable she is, but you can make sure that if you choose to be around her that your dd is set up with tools to have appropriate behavior or has a sitter or something. 

 

It's like me with my ds. My ds can be pretty off the charts. I don't take him somewhere and expect all the adults to defer. I have to make plans, have strategies in place, and if his behavior is bothering adults or inappropriate we have to leave, end of discussion. We always have an exit plan and strategies. It's a respectful thing. Your MIL shouldn't have to defer to your dc.

 

Sometimes it takes being really creative! My father is 100% disabled (military) and my ds is challenging. I've travelled with both of them. It's challenging to respect the needs of BOTH people, and sometimes it takes a lot of creative problem solving. I tend to try to think through every move very carefully. What will we eat, will that menu have things that work for both, what happens if one of them has issues, where they can go for down/alone/chill time, etc. etc. I just think it's really important to respect BOTH, and it takes extra planning, probably more than the event itself, lol.

 

Btw, how literally do you mean the b&w thing? Sometimes people say that and they mean the person has some rigidity, is a bit controlling, etc. That can be a family pattern. And sometimes they mean the person is really, really b&w about ALL things. You could go to SocialThinking.com and click their Social Communication Profiles link to see if any of it fits your dh or MIL. :D

Edited by OhElizabeth
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Your MIL doesn't sound very calm. That doesn't seem like a stable thing for an adult to be saying in front of a child, let alone a grandchild with whom they probably hope to have a permanent, loving relationship. I would really do some problem-solving there.

 

She never said anything. She just gets pouty and then she makes passive aggressive remarks to my husband weeks later about how I don't like her and other nonsense. 

Are you referring to the "she makes me lose my mind" comment? That was my side-line comment. :D 

She's not all there mentally. John and his sister think dementia is setting in, but from things John has been saying, she's always had these tendency, so I don't think it's completely dementia. 

 

I would pre-teach to your dd the expected behavior and practice it. You may need to practice going out to eat without your MIL, so you know your dd can have the expected behavior. If she can't, then hire a babysitter or take along someone who is planning to watch her.

We go out to eat without MIL all the time. Dd does very well. When we go out with them, it's during a visit, so a babysitter wouldn't be a feasible solution, unfortunately. Typically, R is a normal kid in a restaurant and when we eat out as just out family, we work on behavior. It's his mom who honest to goodness stirs it all up. She thinks it's funny when R does stuff that's not appropriate or, like this one day, she decided to tickle her while we're waiting on a table. So, in the middle of a very crowded waiting area, my child is squealing and screaming. I tried a subtle approach by redirecting R and saying loud enough for MIL to hear that we don't need to be screaming and whatever else she was doing. R agreed and sat still. Then, MIL continued to tickle her. I asked her to stop and R asked her to stop, MIL continued, then it escalated quickly to more squealing and screaming. So, I very bluntly said, "Please stop tickling her. She knows to not act like that in a restaurant. I need for her to follow our guidelines. Thank you." 

Then, she got pouty and moody and is now holding a grudge. :D Fun times. 

 

It's good if your dh treats his mother respectfully. Hopefully that transfers over to you too. You don't really get very far bashing a MIL, mercy. That blood thing is thick. I would just let it go and problem solve. You can't solve how unstable she is, but you can make sure that if you choose to be around her that your dd is set up with tools to have appropriate behavior or has a sitter or something. 

I never say anything negative to him. My mom and sister know how I feel, but I do my best to fake it when I'm around her, which is not very often. I let John know if there is an issue and he deals with it, because he knows how his mom is. 

 

I know I sound like a total B and I really try to get along with most people, but even DH agrees that she makes it hard. It's just a stupidly difficult situation with his mom. She is the most insanely sensitive person I've ever met and she can hold a grudge with the best of them. It took 3 years after the birth of dd to have a misunderstanding even confronted. It was ridiculous - all because his mom misheard and blew things out of proportion. It's a very sucky relationship. 

 

**we've had numerous boundaries discussions with other situations and she follows them for the most part (like she FINALLY stopped comparing me to DH's exwife). But, if this with R continues, we'll be addressing it too....or rather, DH will. 

 

 

Btw, how literally do you mean the b&w thing? Sometimes people say that and they mean the person has some rigidity, is a bit controlling, etc. That can be a family pattern. And sometimes they mean the person is really, really b&w about ALL things. 

He is just a very left-brained, math/science, rules and logic type person. Change doesn't sit well with him and this is all a huge change. He's very old-school in his way of thinking - his family was/is very strict Pentecostal and the child-rearing fell right into the very strict Christian home background. He's getting better but it comes out with certain things - like spanking. ;) (He's a VERY good dad, though, and Riv is a good kid for the most part. So, thankfully, we don't have to address this topic too much.)

 

Edited by Southern Ivy
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So when is your OT eval? Did you find someone who knows anything about retained reflexes? 

I found a place that primarily works with young kids and they do a lot of retained reflexes and they currently have no waiting. But, I need a drs referral. So, I called the doctor. My doctor's nurse called me back and was so rude. I told her what I wanted and she sighed, then said "Well, who told you she needed THAT?" 

I'm hoping my doctor will still do the referral, but I'm done. I may go back to the NP, but I'm calling a new ped today. 

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Dh spent quite a bit of time in the land of de-Nile and then quite a bit of time in bargaining (if we just do x, y, and z then we can fix this). He eventually came around, and once he really understood things, apologized a whole heck of a lot.

 

R. is an only kid. That makes it hard because you don't have an easy reference for "normal". She's also young, and things that are tolerated at 4,5, and 6 are suddenly very not ok at 7,8, and 9. You have a variety of professionals and evidence weighing in. Is dh part of those conversations?

No. He read the report from the neuropsych, but he hasn't actually been to talk to any of the professionals. Yeah, and our view of normal is also different because my nephew, who is only 2 mos older than dd, has SPD. So, seeing them side by side has given us a skewed "normal". ;) 

I'm trying to get him to read some stuff about it, but he's just being an ostrich right now. :D 

 

Personally, I had to stop hedging my conversations with dh and be blunt. Instead of saying, "So, uh, the doctor said that maybe...." I said, "The tests show that child is performing at the 12% level compared to age peers."

That's what I try to do, but then he's stressed out with how we can help her and get her "caught up". Which brings us back around to not reading anything I give him. lol I'm thinking just telling him what I'm doing might be a better choice right now. 

 

 

My ped was not well versed in all that we had going on--we went to a duality system of seeing a specialist (developmental ped) and my regular ped.

We just got a new ped appointment. Our current dr is just family practice, so I'm thinking someone who specializes in kids and who has seen plenty of ADHD come through her office will be a better fit for us. Unfortunately, we can't get in until Aug. 30. HOWEVER, we DID just get into an OT for an evaluation next week. YAY! I'm hoping that will help. 

 

It all worked out, but what you are experiencing is unfortunately really common. It's part of the frustration. (((M & R))))

At least I know I"m not alone. :D 

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Oh my, your MIL thing is challenging. :(

 

 

I found a place that primarily works with young kids and they do a lot of retained reflexes and they currently have no waiting. But, I need a drs referral. So, I called the doctor. My doctor's nurse called me back and was so rude. I told her what I wanted and she sighed, then said "Well, who told you she needed THAT?" 
I'm hoping my doctor will still do the referral, but I'm done. I may go back to the NP, but I'm calling a new ped today. 

 

Oh wow, that's frustrating. Well hopefully you can get everything lined up and get it going! 

 

About your dh, just for kicks maybe go over to https://www.socialthinking.com/Articles?name=Social%20Thinking%20Social%20Communication%20Profile and see if anything jumps out at you. Maybe your MIL is in there somewhere, lol.

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Can you your husband go with you to the appointment with the new ped? We've found it valuable for DH to be present at appointments whenever possible. Not only because it helps for him to hear things firsthand, but also because sometimes we get a bunch of new information, and it helps to have two people listening and processing.

 

We are fortunate in that DH can take time away from work for appointments, and I know that not everyone can. But since your appointment is so far in advance, perhaps he can plan ahead to be there.

 

I think it's good to get a pediatrician, by the way. It sounds like your family doc does not deal with ADHD often enough to be up on on the most recent research, etc. And you want someone who is well informed and comfortable dealing with ADHD. Not all pediatricians, are, by the way. Some will send the kids out to a psychiatrist for the diagnosis and med handling. When we moved here a couple of years ago, we had to call around to several doctors' offices to find one that was willing to manage the meds herself.

 

One practice had a physician's assistant, or maybe a nurse practitioner, who would do all of the med visits, instead of the pediatrician. We weren't comfortable with that, and so chose a different practice. It's something to ask about, if you haven't already.

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By the way, DH does not go to all doctor's visits. Mostly, I take care of the routine appointments at the pediatrician -- and now DS's med check ups are routine; even though we sometimes end up making changes. But he goes to appointments when we expect to hear results from testing, and he goes to the intake appointments before testing, so that he can add his input. And he has been going to DS's counseling sessions with the psychologist this summer, because we are learning some new techniques that we are supposed to help DS with at home.

 

So he goes to some, but not all. I think over time we've gained a sense of knowing when it will be beneficial for him to be there, and when it doesn't make sense for him to take the time off of work.

 

For your husband, I wonder if hearing things directly from the doctor, instead of from you, would make a difference.

 

If not, I think that others have offered good advice about how to move forward anyway, leaving the door open for him to possibly see things differently down the line.

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I found a place that primarily works with young kids and they do a lot of retained reflexes and they currently have no waiting. But, I need a drs referral. So, I called the doctor. My doctor's nurse called me back and was so rude. I told her what I wanted and she sighed, then said "Well, who told you she needed THAT?"

I'm hoping my doctor will still do the referral, but I'm done. I may go back to the NP, but I'm calling a new ped today.

All the OT should do is evaluate developmental motor, handedness, pincer/core strength, balance, perceptual vision, and motor planning. All the ped's office needs to know is that you have concerns about your DD's motor development. We call this phase of the process "exercising due diligence". You eliminate any motor issues that might contribute to behaviors now so that meds will more effective IF they are attempted in the future.

 

This child has a history of toileting and speech issues? Honestly, an OT eval is a no brainer.

Edited by Heathermomster
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echoing a lot of the other posters, D has his own hangups stemming from his own experiences. 

 

He isn't necessarily in disagreement with me that our kids have difficulties. But he is very opposed to labels. Very. 

 

He was just saying the other day that "some mothers" want a label for all kinds of things just to make their little snowflakes more special. I pointed out that our kids have a wide array or labels, so that would make me one of those mothers?? Oh no. Not me. OUR kids have real problems, but yeah, we don't really need LABELS for them. 

 

I just...what? How? I don't know. 

 

his basic gripe is that he sees some parents as using a label as an excuse for a lack of parenting. Which I find kind of laughable, as I am 100% doing the heavy lifting around here. I don't know a lot of lazy, hands off parents, but I could name one. 

 

he also tends to discount a lot of the work that has gone into making our kids "so normal".  i am aggressive with my children's needs. I have designed therapy programs, implemented systems, found resources, etc. I have poured my whole self into them. And I have strongly advocated for help when we needed it. My kids therapists have been tremendously helpful, and worked very hard on my kids. 

 

d will point to the outcome, and call it "growing out of it". He discounts all the work that went into making that happen. he sees Luna meeting milestones for the first time and says "There was never anything wrong with her." No. There were a lot of things wrong with her. We addressed them and now she's better. If she had not received so much help and support, she would not be thriving like she is. Her outcome is not typical. 

 

When pressed, he does acknowledge all the work, and that their problems are real issues, and not imaginary. He agrees with our treatment plans, and basically goes along with whatever I tell him needs to happen. I doesn't actively sabotage my efforts. and when it comes right down to it, I do have his support. I kind of chalk up his crappy attitude to his diagnosed and undiagnosed issues  :lol:

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Can you your husband go with you to the appointment with the new ped? We've found it valuable for DH to be present at appointments whenever possible. Not only because it helps for him to hear things firsthand, but also because sometimes we get a bunch of new information, and it helps to have two people listening and processing.

 

We are fortunate in that DH can take time away from work for appointments, and I know that not everyone can. But since your appointment is so far in advance, perhaps he can plan ahead to be there.

 

I think it's good to get a pediatrician, by the way. It sounds like your family doc does not deal with ADHD often enough to be up on on the most recent research, etc. And you want someone who is well informed and comfortable dealing with ADHD. Not all pediatricians, are, by the way. Some will send the kids out to a psychiatrist for the diagnosis and med handling. When we moved here a couple of years ago, we had to call around to several doctors' offices to find one that was willing to manage the meds herself.

 

One practice had a physician's assistant, or maybe a nurse practitioner, who would do all of the med visits, instead of the pediatrician. We weren't comfortable with that, and so chose a different practice. It's something to ask about, if you haven't already.

For your husband, I wonder if hearing things directly from the doctor, instead of from you, would make a difference.

 

If not, I think that others have offered good advice about how to move forward anyway, leaving the door open for him to possibly see things differently down the line.

I'm pretty sure he could. His work is great. These last 2 months, he's had a huge project, so getting off was hard just based on the amount of things needing to be done (and DH is in charge of the majority of it). But, it should all be done by the end of August. 

 

He wasn't too thrilled that I switched doctors, but explained my reasoning, so he's going along with it. He IS happy that she will have OT before we get the doctor's appointment. I told him that we could see some improvement and maybe not need meds; but we would definitely know if OT was going to help by then or not. So, we're getting there. He's just very resistant to meds. He himself refuses to take most medications, even ibuprofen unless it's very severe. But, I definitely think going to the doctor to hear whether or not she needs meds is important. 

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echoing a lot of the other posters, D has his own hangups stemming from his own experiences. 

 

He isn't necessarily in disagreement with me that our kids have difficulties. But he is very opposed to labels. Very. 

 

He was just saying the other day that "some mothers" want a label for all kinds of things just to make their little snowflakes more special. I pointed out that our kids have a wide array or labels, so that would make me one of those mothers?? Oh no. Not me. OUR kids have real problems, but yeah, we don't really need LABELS for them. 

 

I just...what? How? I don't know. 

 

his basic gripe is that he sees some parents as using a label as an excuse for a lack of parenting. Which I find kind of laughable, as I am 100% doing the heavy lifting around here. I don't know a lot of lazy, hands off parents, but I could name one. 

 

he also tends to discount a lot of the work that has gone into making our kids "so normal".  i am aggressive with my children's needs. I have designed therapy programs, implemented systems, found resources, etc. I have poured my whole self into them. And I have strongly advocated for help when we needed it. My kids therapists have been tremendously helpful, and worked very hard on my kids. 

 

d will point to the outcome, and call it "growing out of it". He discounts all the work that went into making that happen. he sees Luna meeting milestones for the first time and says "There was never anything wrong with her." No. There were a lot of things wrong with her. We addressed them and now she's better. If she had not received so much help and support, she would not be thriving like she is. Her outcome is not typical. 

 

When pressed, he does acknowledge all the work, and that their problems are real issues, and not imaginary. He agrees with our treatment plans, and basically goes along with whatever I tell him needs to happen. I doesn't actively sabotage my efforts. and when it comes right down to it, I do have his support. I kind of chalk up his crappy attitude to his diagnosed and undiagnosed issues  :lol:

Yes, I see that in DH as well. 

Your situation with your daughter sounds like my sister and her son. She's done a ton of work to get him where he needs to be. I've seen how hard it is.

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My DH and I primarily disagree on the severity of issues.  DH currently fears that I underestimate DS which I think is laughable because son's senior year is looking insane at the moment.  But whatever...I love him.  He's cute and he pays the bills.

 

We used a child psychiatrist when DS was in 10th grade.  Treatment options are available for people with ADHD, and you won't know those options until you seek the right doctor and listen.  Help your DH think in terms of free agency.  You are free to consult with the doctor, but that does not obligate you to take their advice.  The doctor can come up with a thorough plan of action to manage and alleviate symptoms.  You could pursue the OT and environmental changes and reevaluate the success on a pre-planned date with the oversight of the doctor.  Demonstrate actions have been taken to manage the attention issues so that if drugs are prescribed later, you've done all that you could. 

 

Genetic testing is now available to identify which drugs might help or hinder progress.  I didn't know that until we spoke to the child psych.

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The genetic testing can be prohibitively expensive unless your insurance happens to cover it. It's nifty, but in general 70% of kids will be fine with ANY medication they are given. So if you don't have the testing covered by your insurance and don't go that way, it can be ok. It can be helpful information *sometimes* if you have access to it. My research showed that some of the testing results were so vague that people were still left crap shooting anyway. So it's more a question of how much it costs you.

 

Heather's point about free agency is so good. Also, these docs really aren't quite as gung ho on meds as people make it sound, especially when they do it a lot. He really might bring more to the table. It's helpful to have someone else's perspective on your situation, to see what they're seeing might be important in your situation. That fresh pair of eyes on the case can be really helpful!

 

I've said this before, but your dh sounds very rigid or anxious or both. It's really not helpful to your dc if you let that type of anxiety rule the day. You just have to stay calm, get good advice, and make evidence-based decisions.

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My DH and I primarily disagree on the severity of issues.  DH currently fears that I underestimate DS which I think is laughable because son's senior year is looking insane at the moment.  But whatever...I love him.  He's cute and he pays the bills.

 

We used a child psychiatrist when DS was in 10th grade.  Treatment options are available for people with ADHD, and you won't know those options until you seek the right doctor and listen.  Help your DH think in terms of free agency.  You are free to consult with the doctor, but that does not obligate you to take their advice.  The doctor can come up with a thorough plan of action to manage and alleviate symptoms.  You could pursue the OT and environmental changes and reevaluate the success on a pre-planned date with the oversight of the doctor.  Demonstrate actions have been taken to manage the attention issues so that if drugs are prescribed later, you've done all that you could. 

 

Genetic testing is now available to identify which drugs might help or hinder progress.  I didn't know that until we spoke to the child psych.

I think this is kind of what we've agreed to without really realizing it. We have our OT and SLP evaluations next week, then we'll have at least a month of OT before the Drs appt. We'll also have been off food dyes for 2.5 months. I need to start eliminating more items, but we have definitely seen a change (at least in her speech and thought process) since she's been off the dyes. 

 

Fascinating about the genetic testing. 

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I think this is kind of what we've agreed to without really realizing it. We have our OT and SLP evaluations next week, then we'll have at least a month of OT before the Drs appt. We'll also have been off food dyes for 2.5 months. I need to start eliminating more items, but we have definitely seen a change (at least in her speech and thought process) since she's been off the dyes. 

 

Fascinating about the genetic testing. 

What you are doing seems completely reasonable.  This is a total pain.  Keep a chart and write down exactly what you are changing.

 

Have you seen the GAPS diet?

 

I wanted to add that environmental changes and meds might be the option.  If that is the case, the reading instruction may wind up being delayed.  Don't sweat that right now because your child is still very young.

 

I think the genetic testing looks at metabolism markers.

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What you are doing seems completely reasonable.  This is a total pain.  Keep a chart and write down exactly what you are changing.

 

Have you seen the GAPS diet?

 

I wanted to add that environmental changes and meds might be the option.  If that is the case, the reading instruction may wind up being delayed.  Don't sweat that right now because your child is still very young.

 

I think the genetic testing looks at metabolism markers.

Yeah, I'm figuring that we won't know a lot about her other learning challenges until this is figured out, so we're just going to be taking it easy with school this year. 

I know of GAPS, but not overly familiar. Feingold was recommended to us as well, but I haven't had a chance to read the info yet, either. 

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