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How do you handle boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night at your house?

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The same way my parents handled my living at home as a young adult: give privacy and expect considerate, discrete behavior in return.

 

ETA: For a new relationship, when a person is just introduced to me, I will treat them like any house guest and fix a guest bedroom, so I do not presume anything about sleeping arrangements.

This. At 18 and 22, they are adults. I can give my opinion (if they ask) but they are responsible for their own actions.

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While still in high school there are no sleepovers. While adults visiting, we would probably have two room prepared but they could make their own decision. The first time I visited dh's family they had two rooms prepared and left a note about which was my room (we came in late after they went to bed) and dh just laughed and we shared a room. I was 21 and he was 25 (we were married later that same year). We pretty much did the same thing when visiting my dad. Our parents never said anything about us opting to share a room. 

 

I honestly don't know how I would handle things if my adult, unmarried children are living at home (they are 17 and 15 now). I can't imagine them having people stay over all the time and wondering in the mornings if someone else is in my home. I think I'd be telling them to chill out with that and find their own place to live. 

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We do not allow sleepovers of any kind in our home even when the kiddos are young. I doubt a kiddo would even bother trying to get an opposite sex person overnight in his bedroom.

 

Having said that we paid for DS37's house while he was in college. He had girls live with him there. DD17 is going away to college this fall. Hopefully, she will bring people back home for holidays. We will probably just put them all in the living room with tons of sleeping bags. With all the wandering the old people who live in our house do, it is hard even for the married people to get any privacy. KWIM?

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Fwiw I had that cool mum, and I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary.

 

Mazel tov!   :001_wub:

 

 

My husband's parents were those cool parents throughout the college years; my own parents insisted on separate rooms until our engagement nearly 10 years later.  Shrug.  We're soon to celebrate 26 years.  

 

My eldest is 22 and only very recently did the issue come up.  She's 22 for goodness' sake.  Be discrete for the sake of your younger siblings.  

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In high school you don't get girlfriend sleep overs.  I would prefer he wait till he's out of hs for sex, but it will be what it will be, it is not my body to dictate. 

 

If he come home for break and brings his girlfriend, they can decide what they want to do.  But my kid knows the level of sarcasm and joking that runs through our family/house.  He knows if they are having loud enough sex that we can hear him, there maybe a text or a shout to keep it down.  He's no dummy and would expect that (based on other conversations we've had about teenage boys...)  He would expecxt either that or commenting in the morning.

 

 

But I find it amusing that all of these responses seem to be if they are sleeping in the same bed, they are automaticly having sex.  It is possible for a couple to come home to visit, sleep in the same bed and NOT have sex.  Even if they are regularly having sex when not staying at your house.  Yes, some people would do it because they want to, or because of the thrill of 'doing it' while M/D are home.  But others also won't.  Some may think it's not right, some may worry about being heard.  Some may just not be in the mood knowing M/D are sleeping in the next room. 

Edited by Renthead Mommy
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I'm not sure why it would be different. I guess that's worth puzzling out.

 

lol, there is nothing logical about it. Maybe I just feel like two girls at 16 are that tad bit more mature?

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So discreet for you means you don't want to hear them having sex?

 

BC I know families for whom discreet would mean unmarried couples would not share a bed in the family home.

 

See or hear. Close the door and kept the noise down (can be done!)

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And some of the guests' ideas of what privacy is might not match yours...

 

A friend of mine's relationship with his girlfriend began a downward spiral bc his mom found the GF reading her planner (the mom's planner) while the son (my friend) was in the shower.

 

This was during college winter break and the mom came home early from work and the GF was in the living room, paging through the planner. The girlfriend said the planner was sitting out...and it was. It was sitting out on the mom's desk. In her office. With the door closed.

 

The GF never came clean with all the other stuff she looked through at the house. My friend said she explained it all away by saying, "it's not like I'm going to TELL anyone." So it was fine, according to her, bc it was only for her own private snoopiness.

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I'm not sure why it would be different. I guess that's worth puzzling out.

 

I would assume it has to do with the risk of pregnancy.

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I would assume it has to do with the risk of pregnancy.

 

 

Not really, although that is a bonus when you have a lesbian daughter! I said upthread, it's not really logical, but maybe it's because I think of girls as slightly more mature, in general. So maybe more likely to understand the need to be discreet? Idk. The zero pregnancy risk definitely makes me more laid back (no pun intended!) about it though.

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But I find it amusing that all of these responses seem to be if they are sleeping in the same bed, they are automaticly having sex.  It is possible for a couple to come home to visit, sleep in the same bed and NOT have sex.  Even if they are regularly having sex when not staying at your house.  Yes, some people would do it because they want to, or because of the thrill of 'doing' while M/D are home.  But others also won't.  Some may think it's not right, some may worry about being heard.  Some may just not be in the mood knowing M/D are sleeping in the next room. 

 

Oh yes, I can't imagine anything more offputting, tbh. It would have to be a very big house! With parents at one end and me at the other. 

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My son and his girlfriend have been together for over a year and a half. Both are over 18. They regularly bounce between her parents' house and ours, spending more nights together than they do apart. 

 

My husband was initially somewhat weirded out by having them sleep in the same room, but he couldn't come up with a legitimate reason to object. (His objections were not religious or even moral. He just "felt weird" about it.) Our son pointed out that they were both legal adults and were in a stable, long-term relationship. So, if his dad wanted to forbid having them sleep in the same room, our son would respect that, given that it is the right of the parents/heads of household to do so. However, he wanted it stipulated that it seemed an arbitrary and pointless rule.

 

I pointed out to my husband that, since we had lived together for 3+ years before getting around to getting married, it was pretty hypocritical of either of us to put a foot down.

 

That was pretty much the end of the discussion.

 

Personally, although I love his girlfriend and will be happy to have her as an official daughter-in-law if that's how things work out in years to come, I'm not interested in putting any kind of pressure on them to rush into getting married just so they can sleep together without guilt or judgment. I also know perfectly well that forbidding them from being alone behind a closed door at night does precisely nothing to prevent them from having sex. 

 

My son and his girlfriend had wanted to get an apartment together sometime this summer, but we suggested they move in here, instead. I hate to see them blowing money they should be stashing in savings on rent when we have space available for them here.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
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 I also know perfectly well that forbidding them from being alone behind a closed door at night does precisely nothing to prevent them from having sex. 

 

 

 

 

Understatement of the year!  LOL! 

 

In college bf had the whole third floor so it was a bedroom/office area/sitting area.  He was working on his paper.  I was typing my paper.  As in on an electric typewriter, click clacking away.  Note cards and books scattered about his bedroom floor, bed, couch and desk.  I am typing away furiously on mine so I can start typing his. Sex was the LAST thing on our minds. 

 

For some reason his dad/stepmom suddenly decided we shouldn't be alone in his room while they go out this time.  We sort of looked around like are you kidding me???  No clue why this time was different. 

 

Fine, whatever.  Abandoned the papers, went downstairs to the tv room on the second floor.  Apparently, alone in the house in the tv room was fine.  They left.  

 

Well now that we were not working on research papers, we had nothing else to do so then we did have sex.  In the tv room.  Good thing they didn't leave us along in his bedroom! LOL!

 

 

 

 

 

You say no sleep overs.  Okay.  That doesn't mean they aren't having a quickie, in the basement, tv room, garage, where ever.  And for those, you are probably awake and in the next room. 

 

Oh and those types of out of spite quickies are more like to be the time they forego protection, because it's spur of the moment and condoms are stashed safely away somewhere else. 

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To each his/her own. I am not going to facilitate conduct that I disapprove of. Adults can make their own decisions but that does not mean I'm going to make it easy for them by allowing sleepovers, paying for contraception, etc. Let them figure it out on their own if that's what they really want to do.

 

FWIW, the high school friend in our clique with a "cool mom" who allowed boyfriends to sleep over starting at age 16 is still single at 40. The rest of us with strict parents who made it clear they disapproved of teen s*x are all married.

 

Choosing not to facilitate conduct of which you disapprove is entirely fair. It's why I've made it clear to our son that, when he and his girlfriend become official, rent-paying residents of the house, he needs to clean out the mini-fridge he had in his dorm and set it up in the kitchen so his girlfriend can keep in there the assorted animal product-based foods we don't buy, cook or serve in our home.

 

However, around here, as long as we are talking about adults who are behaving responsibly and treating each other and us, their hosts, with consideration, neither I nor my husband actually disapprove of sex. Our daughter no longer lives with us, but we have spoken openly with her about her contraception choices and offered to help cover those costs, if she needs assistance. 

 

While I wouldn't class my parents as being "cool," they were certainly more relaxed about sex than the parents of many of my friends. I'm now married to the guy I started sleeping with when we were 15, although we took some detours in young adulthood (sparked in part by the fact that my parents made it so clear they didn't really like having him around). So, I'm not convinced I buy the implied correlation in your last paragraph.

 

My own for what it's worth is that, in my heart of hearts, I would have been happier to see my kids wait longer to become sexually active (although, if I can believe what they tell me, and I more or less do, both of them waited until after they turned 18). This is not because I disapprove of sex outside of marriage, but because my own experience suggests that physical intimacy can lead some people to engage their hearts in relationships that might otherwise -- appropriately -- fizzle out more quickly. 

 

I have been very open with my kids about this concern, but I respect their right to find their own way. So, at this point, I have to be content with keeping lines of communication open, making sure they know we are here to support them when they need or want it and hoping that their experiences are mostly positive.

Edited by Jenny in Florida

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This might be just the right place to bring up a situation that I totally did not understand.  DD18 and boyfriend 19 both still live at home and both our families don't approve of premarital sex.  Both young adults are on board with this.  I will add for background that BF is the oldest of several kids still at home, DD is an only.  DD and BF have been dating fairly seriously for about 1.5 years and are talking marriage.

 

We live about 45 minutes apart.  BF's family lives "in town" and we live in a rural area at the other end of a rather long,windy, dark road.  DD is normally always going down there to visit since there is more to do in town.  Not long ago, DD was just getting over being sick.  She was out with BF close to his house, and she called to say she stayed out too late and didn't realize how tired she was, and she was worried about the 45 minute long windy drive home.  BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time.  (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.)  

 

BF's mom called me a few minutes later and said that DD could NOT stay at her house and that I needed to find some other way to get her home.  I was totally shocked over this.  I would never in a million years have hesitated to have a friend of my kid's stay over in that situation.  If it was a new BF that I didn't know, I could see I might reconsider.  But DD knows the family and they have been dating 1.5 years.  I confess I felt very angry and hurt that another mom that KNOWS my kid would feel that way.  DH and I went and got her, DH drove her car back.  So about 2 hours total, from 11-1. 

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable.  Is that a normal feeling even in this situation?  Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids?  And one kid too tired to drive?   Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

Edited by goldberry
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This might be just the right place to bring up a situation that I totally did not understand. DD18 and boyfriend 19 both still live at home and both our families don't approve of premarital sex. Both young adults are on board with this. I will add for background that BF is the oldest of several kids still at home, DD is an only. DD and BF have been dating fairly seriously for about 1.5 years and are talking marriage.

 

We live about 45 minutes apart. BF's family lives "in town" and we live in a rural area at the other end of a rather long,windy, dark road. DD is normally always going down there to visit since there is more to do in town. Not long ago, DD was just getting over being sick. She was out with BF close to his house, and she called to say she stayed out too late and didn't realize how tired she was, and she was worried about the 45 minute long windy drive home. BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time. (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.)

 

BF's mom called me a few minutes later and said that DD could NOT stay at her house and that I needed to find some other way to get her home. I was totally shocked over this. I would never in a million years have hesitated to have a friend of my kid's stay over in that situation. If it was a new BF that I didn't know, I could see I might reconsider. But DD knows the family and they have been dating 1.5 years. I confess I felt very angry and hurt that another mom that KNOWS my kid would feel that way. DH and I went and got her, DH drove her car back. So about 2 hours total, from 11-1.

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable. Is that a normal feeling even in this situation? Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids? And one kid too tired to drive? Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

I don't think it sounds normal at all. It sounds over the top controlling, likely based on seeing the world in very black and white terms. For several years in college I dated someone from my high school. He lived in a very rural area where the roads could get quite bad in the winter. A few times over winter break, I spent the night at his house, in his sister's room, when it was too dangerous to drive back home. Both of us were raised Catholic with the expectation we would wait until marriage and he had younger siblings living at home. His parents would never have put appearances before my safety.

 

And this is the same mom who once had us take his much younger brother with us on a spring break trip to visit an older brother. I think she saw him as a kind of chaperone, which we actually found funny, but didn't really mind. He was a great kid.

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I think there are several different issues that could be relevant here.

As far as moral / ethical concerns go, we don't have any religious or other beliefs that disapprove of sex outside of marriage, so whether or not our kids choose to engage in sexual activity at all is a non concern for us. I am concerned about safety (physical and emotional), respect (including self-respect), and consent, though, so if I knew or suspected that sexual stuff was happening, I'd be going over all of those issues again to make sure that my teen has thought things through properly, and is properly taking care of themselves and their partner/s.

I'm also concerned about legality. We have a broad principle in our family that says we obey the law unless there is a compelling reason not to, so therefore I don't condone any sexual activity under the official ages of consent.

Another issue I would have is that I'm not into undermining other parents so I can be the "cool parent".  As far as I'm concerned, a person over 18 is a legal adult, and they can do what they want (although I'd still strongly encourage them to consider their parents' advice). But for a minor under the age of 18, I'm generally not going to facilitate them going against their parents' rules (unless it's some kind of extreme case where the parents are putting the teen at risk). So for example, if my 14yo son had a 14yo girlfriend who wanted to stay over with him, that would be a legal sexual relationship where I am, however I would nevertheless be contacting her parents before I even considered agreeing to it.

Assuming that I'm happy about all of the above, it comes down to how convenient (or not) having somebody staying at our house is going to be. A polite, helpful, and undemanding guest is always going to be more enjoyable to have in the house, regardless of their relationship with me or my kids.

ETA - as for the bit about 'discretion' and not wanting to hear stuff, I didn't even think to be worried about that. After all, teens are usually far more prone to embarrassment than middle aged people, so I'd assume that any sexy stuff is going to be quiet anyway. (But if not, there is always the option of loud music ;) )

 

Edited by IsabelC
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Well our home is small, and no one has their own room. Even our adult children have to share. So bf/gf sleep overs would be awkward and inappropriate.

 

We have had one crash on the couch when needed.

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The same way my parents handled my living at home as a young adult: give privacy and expect considerate, discrete behavior in return.

 

ETA: For a new relationship, when a person is just introduced to me, I will treat them like any house guest and fix a guest bedroom, so I do not presume anything about sleeping arrangements.

 

^^ This.  

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Fwiw I had that cool mum, and I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary.

 

 

Here, too.  Cool mom (and dad).  Married almost 20 years.  This is my first and only marriage.  We lived in sin before marrying.  Lots and lots of sin. :D 

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The snark is so completely unnecessary.

If you think those vague terms have a universal definition and understanding, so be it.

You seem really hung up on getting a very specific definition from regentrude of privacy, considerate, and discreet. Several posters agreed with her on how to handle adult child sleepovers, so her post wasn't that unclear.

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And some of the guests' ideas of what privacy is might not match yours...

 

A friend of mine's relationship with his girlfriend began a downward spiral bc his mom found the GF reading her planner (the mom's planner) while the son (my friend) was in the shower.

 

This was during college winter break and the mom came home early from work and the GF was in the living room, paging through the planner. The girlfriend said the planner was sitting out...and it was. It was sitting out on the mom's desk. In her office. With the door closed.

 

The GF never came clean with all the other stuff she looked through at the house. My friend said she explained it all away by saying, "it's not like I'm going to TELL anyone." So it was fine, according to her, bc it was only for her own private snoopiness.

 

I'm not regentrude, but when *I* say I agree with her policy on privacy, consideration and discretion, I know that my kid and nephew (who also lives here) do fully comprehend what my husband and I mean by those terms.  There's no guessing in this household on those points.  It's then incumbent upon those young people in my household to convey the household expectations to their overnight guests (no matter whether they are girlfriends or friends of any other kind).  So far, so good.  They seem to be good at amassing a rather respectful group of friends and lovers. 

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This would be a big 'no' in our religious tradition, and I have younger children,  so nope, not gonna happen. If you are old enough to be engaging in adult relationships to that level then you are old enough to pay your own rent.

 

I realize this isn't where everyone is, but that's how it goes here.

Edited by Cadam
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<snip>

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable.  Is that a normal feeling even in this situation?  Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids?  And one kid too tired to drive?   Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

 

I'm trying to put myself in the mom's position and I can't see myself refusing to let your daughter stay.  I think I would be a little freaked out just because I wasn't prepared for an overnight guest - you know, stuff running through my mind... where will she sleep, do I have something she can eat for breakfast, do I have clean sheets, how will showers work in the morning, oh no I haven't scrubbed out the tub in a while...   

 

As for younger kids, that's easy enough.  "Gina is going to stay here tonight because she doesn't feel well and it's dangerous for her to drive home. So we are going to find a way to make her comfortable."  Pick a child to give up her room.  All the better if there are two kids sharing a room and she could have one bed.  Or give the girl the boyfriend's room (assuming he's not sharing) and have him share with a brother.   They can make it "our friend needs our help, let's make her comfortable."  Not a reason for snickering and innuendo.

 

If they are a Christian family, for crying out loud, would Jesus send a sick  young woman out to drive a dangerous dark road at night?  

 

ETA: of course people of other religious traditions, or none at all, can have compassion on a person and do what's best even if it's uncomfortable.  I was just thinking of the example that is most obvious to me.  :-)

Edited by marbel
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My older kids left at college age and support themselves. We fall into the prepare a guest room but they can figure out who is sleeping where. Now, I'm not saying a person you randomly met that night but a planned visit with guest. I don't want complete strangers staying at my house anyway. I guess college is our personal age cut off.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

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This might be just the right place to bring up a situation that I totally did not understand.  DD18 and boyfriend 19 both still live at home and both our families don't approve of premarital sex.  Both young adults are on board with this.  I will add for background that BF is the oldest of several kids still at home, DD is an only.  DD and BF have been dating fairly seriously for about 1.5 years and are talking marriage.

 

We live about 45 minutes apart.  BF's family lives "in town" and we live in a rural area at the other end of a rather long,windy, dark road.  DD is normally always going down there to visit since there is more to do in town.  Not long ago, DD was just getting over being sick.  She was out with BF close to his house, and she called to say she stayed out too late and didn't realize how tired she was, and she was worried about the 45 minute long windy drive home.  BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time.  (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.)  

 

BF's mom called me a few minutes later and said that DD could NOT stay at her house and that I needed to find some other way to get her home.  I was totally shocked over this.  I would never in a million years have hesitated to have a friend of my kid's stay over in that situation.  If it was a new BF that I didn't know, I could see I might reconsider.  But DD knows the family and they have been dating 1.5 years.  I confess I felt very angry and hurt that another mom that KNOWS my kid would feel that way.  DH and I went and got her, DH drove her car back.  So about 2 hours total, from 11-1. 

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable.  Is that a normal feeling even in this situation?  Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids?  And one kid too tired to drive?   Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

 

I'm thinking it has to do with a previously stated family rule that SO's will not be staying in their home. I've known Christian families with this rule before: sleepovers become a slippery slope for more sleepovers, which leads to looser sexual boundaries or the playing house phenomenon they see as dangerous.  I went to a church as a young woman that taught that unmarried unrelated people shouldn't sleep under the same roof together. It struck me as ridiculous and not biblical, but they did teach that.

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I much prefer my young people to be together with their bf/gf in the privacy and safety of our home than in some parked car on lovers' lane.

If your implying that I meant these things, then you completely misread my statement.

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This might be just the right place to bring up a situation that I totally did not understand. DD18 and boyfriend 19 both still live at home and both our families don't approve of premarital sex. Both young adults are on board with this. I will add for background that BF is the oldest of several kids still at home, DD is an only. DD and BF have been dating fairly seriously for about 1.5 years and are talking marriage.

 

We live about 45 minutes apart. BF's family lives "in town" and we live in a rural area at the other end of a rather long,windy, dark road. DD is normally always going down there to visit since there is more to do in town. Not long ago, DD was just getting over being sick. She was out with BF close to his house, and she called to say she stayed out too late and didn't realize how tired she was, and she was worried about the 45 minute long windy drive home. BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time. (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.)

 

BF's mom called me a few minutes later and said that DD could NOT stay at her house and that I needed to find some other way to get her home. I was totally shocked over this. I would never in a million years have hesitated to have a friend of my kid's stay over in that situation. If it was a new BF that I didn't know, I could see I might reconsider. But DD knows the family and they have been dating 1.5 years. I confess I felt very angry and hurt that another mom that KNOWS my kid would feel that way. DH and I went and got her, DH drove her car back. So about 2 hours total, from 11-1.

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable. Is that a normal feeling even in this situation? Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids? And one kid too tired to drive? Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

Well, I can see how the other parent might think your DD was trying to be slick. Like, "oh, *whoopsies!* I stayed too late, now I *have* to sleep over!" When I was around 12, my oldest sister had a BF who lived in a town about 45 minutes away and some nights he slept over on this same defense. He was ostensibly sleeping on the couch, but I do not think everything was perfectly kosher with everyone staying all night in their designated spots. (And I picked up on this at 12.) I do remember thinking, "Geez, it's not like he lives on the moon. He could get himself home if he really wanted to." I would also be thinking the kid have no motive to plan better if the benefit was getting to sleep over. I really put nothing past h@rny teenagers.

 

My oldest, at 20, is in a long-term relationship with a very nice guy; he is like a son to us. He has spent the night over with us and she has spent the night over with his family. (i'm also sure they have spent nights over at each other's colleges, but that is different.) But when we are doing overnights, they are sleeping in separate spaces. It is tacky otherwise and I have younger kids (or in some cases, nieces and nephews) to think about. So, if we're at the beach house and BF is spending the night(s) on vacation with us, they are not sleeping in the same space, though I'm clear on the fact that they are at other times when they are outside of our supervision.

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This might be just the right place to bring up a situation that I totally did not understand. DD18 and boyfriend 19 both still live at home and both our families don't approve of premarital sex. Both young adults are on board with this. I will add for background that BF is the oldest of several kids still at home, DD is an only. DD and BF have been dating fairly seriously for about 1.5 years and are talking marriage.

 

We live about 45 minutes apart. BF's family lives "in town" and we live in a rural area at the other end of a rather long,windy, dark road. DD is normally always going down there to visit since there is more to do in town. Not long ago, DD was just getting over being sick. She was out with BF close to his house, and she called to say she stayed out too late and didn't realize how tired she was, and she was worried about the 45 minute long windy drive home. BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time. (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.)

 

BF's mom called me a few minutes later and said that DD could NOT stay at her house and that I needed to find some other way to get her home. I was totally shocked over this. I would never in a million years have hesitated to have a friend of my kid's stay over in that situation. If it was a new BF that I didn't know, I could see I might reconsider. But DD knows the family and they have been dating 1.5 years. I confess I felt very angry and hurt that another mom that KNOWS my kid would feel that way. DH and I went and got her, DH drove her car back. So about 2 hours total, from 11-1.

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable. Is that a normal feeling even in this situation? Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids? And one kid too tired to drive? Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

That would upset me. That scenario is how we have had to have "sleepovers" here. Not a regular thing but we live an hour out from their gfs and I'm not putting them on the road late at night. They are supposed to make plans to wrap up their dates early but if their is a concert or fourth of July fireworks or something it is overly strict to not allow that because of perceived sleepover. I am not comfortable putting kids on the road late at night just to keep up appearances. 1) I don't think anything will happen in our situation. 2) Even if it did, pregnant is better than dead.

 

My sons share a room and the gf would stay with my 9 yo dd across the hall from dh and me. For any middle of the night shenanigans the kids would be accepting a very high risk of getting caught and embarrassed. If they have that level of risk tolerance/rebellion/ whatever than the family sleepover situation is the least of it.

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You seem really hung up on getting a very specific definition from regentrude of privacy, considerate, and discreet. Several posters agreed with her on how to handle adult child sleepovers, so her post wasn't that unclear.

I'm not hung up on anything. I just pointed out that her post was meaningless bc no one (here) knows what her parents (or her) meant by privacy, etc...

 

If the question was "My 10 yo wants a sleepover with her friends. How do you handle sleepovers?" and people answered, "The same way my parents did, with privacy and consideration" it'd also be meaningless.

 

It doesn't really give any information.

Edited by unsinkable

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Your first sentence is pretty meaningless since no one knows how your parents defined giving privacy and considerate, discreet behavior.

This post really adds to the discussion, on the other hand.
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This might be just the right place to bring up a situation that I totally did not understand. DD18 and boyfriend 19 both still live at home and both our families don't approve of premarital sex. Both young adults are on board with this. I will add for background that BF is the oldest of several kids still at home, DD is an only. DD and BF have been dating fairly seriously for about 1.5 years and are talking marriage.

 

We live about 45 minutes apart. BF's family lives "in town" and we live in a rural area at the other end of a rather long,windy, dark road. DD is normally always going down there to visit since there is more to do in town. Not long ago, DD was just getting over being sick. She was out with BF close to his house, and she called to say she stayed out too late and didn't realize how tired she was, and she was worried about the 45 minute long windy drive home. BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time. (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.)

 

BF's mom called me a few minutes later and said that DD could NOT stay at her house and that I needed to find some other way to get her home. I was totally shocked over this. I would never in a million years have hesitated to have a friend of my kid's stay over in that situation. If it was a new BF that I didn't know, I could see I might reconsider. But DD knows the family and they have been dating 1.5 years. I confess I felt very angry and hurt that another mom that KNOWS my kid would feel that way. DH and I went and got her, DH drove her car back. So about 2 hours total, from 11-1.

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable. Is that a normal feeling even in this situation? Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids? And one kid too tired to drive? Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

That's really upsetting. What if it was another boy and he got sick during the visit, would the mom make such an insane phone call? I'd be worried these people did not particularly care about my child's well being and on the drive home I'd share that thought.

Edited by madteaparty
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No sleepovers at our house because of religious beliefs.  And this includes my unmarried siblings.  

 

And the situation with the sick child:  I would have possibly let her stay in another room, but it is likely that I would have taken her home myself.  If she had something contagious, I would not want her spending the night and infecting everyone in my house.

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Well, I can see how the other parent might think your DD was trying to be slick. Like, "oh, *whoopsies!* I stayed too late, now I *have* to sleep over!" When I was around 12, my oldest sister had a BF who lived in a town about 45 minutes away and some nights he slept over on this same defense. He was ostensibly sleeping on the couch, but I do not think everything was perfectly kosher with everyone staying all night in their designated spots. (And I picked up on this at 12.) I do remember thinking, "Geez, it's not like he lives on the moon. He could get himself home if he really wanted to." I would also be thinking the kid have no motive to plan better if the benefit was getting to sleep over. I really put nothing past h@rny teenagers.

This is what I was thinking, but one would think after knowing the girl for 1 1/2 years they could gauge her intentions and motives better. But they probably just don't want to start down the slippery slope. Personally though I would have driven her home myself just to reinforce that Our family cared about her well being. That would also increase likelihood that neither kid would try to pull a fast one in the future if indeed that is what they were doing. And I am not saying it was.

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You seem really hung up on getting a very specific definition from regentrude of privacy, considerate, and discreet. Several posters agreed with her on how to handle adult child sleepovers, so her post wasn't that unclear.

I know I already quoted you but I had another beer and thought some more, sooo...

 

I don't want a very specific definition of privacy...actually, I don't WANT anything in regard to this thread. It's a hypothetical to me.

 

It's not a specific answer to me..."I give privacy." And I don't WANT a specific answer, I was just sayin'.

 

If I asked, "How do you handle food in the summer at outdoor picnics?"

 

And the answer was: "Like my mom did. Safely." it doesn't really say much.

Edited by unsinkable

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 We have a very small house and as long as they are dating a local person there is no need for sleeping over.

 

The odds of my kids dating people within the average definition of "local" are slim, so I can definitely imagine people staying over.  But we have a very small house, too, with 3 boys in one room and 2 girls in the other. Bunk beds in both. Forget hanky panky, I don't even see basic comfort as a possibility, lol.  We do have a decent couch!

 

Dh was the only person who ever stayed in my bedroom as a young adult, but that was also a fairly small house with many people staying in it (4 adults, 2 teens, and a toddler, plus now-dh) and my room shared walls with the other two bedrooms.  Not much hanky panky going on!

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For an adult child living at home I would expect them to sort the sleeping arrangements themselves, whether that's  the couch or with them in their room. If they had moved out and are coming back for a visit, I would ask them what arrangements they'll need within the space limits of our home.

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Obviously I haven't had to deal with this yet, but we're not an anti-pre-marital sex family, so once dd is old enough to be in a committed relationship, her partner will be welcome to stay over at our house. Like someone else posted, I'd rather have her and her boyfriend/girlfriend here where they're safe and have access to contraceptives if needed. This is dd's home. I can't imagine telling her that her partner isn't welcome here because they might have sex.

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Got a ways to before it is an issue with the 7th grader.  I imagine I will handle it the same way I did when I was the young adult. I never wanted or expected to have regular friends or dates sleep over.  But, I did use the couch a lot after the folks were asleep, and then took the friend home well  before morning.   Then, with long term relationships--as in living together-- I would have expected them to sleep over.  However, I was financially independent immediately after college so when we did visit either's parents, we always stayed in hotels. I have not spent the night at the folks as an adult.  edited to say, i mean after college.

Edited by gstharr
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This might be just the right place to bring up a situation that I totally did not understand. DD18 and boyfriend 19 both still live at home and both our families don't approve of premarital sex. Both young adults are on board with this. I will add for background that BF is the oldest of several kids still at home, DD is an only. DD and BF have been dating fairly seriously for about 1.5 years and are talking marriage.

 

We live about 45 minutes apart. BF's family lives "in town" and we live in a rural area at the other end of a rather long,windy, dark road. DD is normally always going down there to visit since there is more to do in town. Not long ago, DD was just getting over being sick. She was out with BF close to his house, and she called to say she stayed out too late and didn't realize how tired she was, and she was worried about the 45 minute long windy drive home. BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time. (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.)

 

BF's mom called me a few minutes later and said that DD could NOT stay at her house and that I needed to find some other way to get her home. I was totally shocked over this. I would never in a million years have hesitated to have a friend of my kid's stay over in that situation. If it was a new BF that I didn't know, I could see I might reconsider. But DD knows the family and they have been dating 1.5 years. I confess I felt very angry and hurt that another mom that KNOWS my kid would feel that way. DH and I went and got her, DH drove her car back. So about 2 hours total, from 11-1.

 

I was quite cranky and tried to understand... I had another friend tell me it was because she had other kids at home, and having a girlfriend sleep at the house wouldn't be acceptable. Is that a normal feeling even in this situation? Two young adults that have spent 1.5 years abiding by some very strict moral boundaries, and both good and trustworthy kids? And one kid too tired to drive? Would that still be considered a sleepover to some people?

I as a mother would be perturbed by this and worried for my daughter. I as the daughter would be very, very wary of continuing a relationship with such legalistic (I could go on) potential in laws and with a **man** who was so controlled by them. He could have driven your daughter home himself and crashed on your couch. For him to just give up, roll over, and dump the problem on your daughter's lap (who then asked you for help at great inconvenience to you) is pretty awful. I'd be reconsidering everything.

 

They're adults, not children. I wouldn't refuse any adult who needed to crash on my couch unless I had a safety concern for my family. It's ridiculous. If she were a minor, I would speak to the minor's parents to figure out a solution. I wouldn't keep someone else's child without her parent's knowledge/consent.

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I as a mother would be perturbed by this and worried for my daughter. I as the daughter would be very, very wary of continuing a relationship with such legalistic (I could go on) potential in laws and with a **man** who was so controlled by them. He could have driven your daughter home himself and crashed on your couch. For him to just give up, roll over, and dump the problem on your daughter's lap (who then asked you for help at great inconvenience to you) is pretty awful. I'd be reconsidering everything.

 

They're adults, not children. I wouldn't refuse any adult who needed to crash on my couch unless I had a safety concern for my family. It's ridiculous. If she were a minor, I would speak to the minor's parents to figure out a solution. I wouldn't keep someone else's child without her parent's knowledge/consent.

 

I agree.  Why didn't the boyfriend drive her home?  Pulling you out in the middle of the night like that for anything short of an emergency was wrong.

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I have somewhat mixed feelings. On the one hand, our religious tradition does not really approve of sex outside marraige.  Though I would tend to extend that to non-marriage relationships (as in, not legalized) that function the same way,  So people actually living together.

 

OTOH, I think of young adults as being able to make their own decisions on these things.  And I am not theoretically against fairly young marriages.  I don't tend to think that sexual relationships without that leel of commitment are great though, at any age.

 

I think the other aspect of this is, I don't really even like my kids having sleepovers now.  I don't want people I don't know well in my house late at night, or first thing.  I want to be able to walk to the toilet at night without getting dressed, or fart while I read.

 

So, I kind of feel like unless people are "family" I don't normally want them staying here all night.  I wish I was more friendly about this, but I'm not.  And I guess I feel like in my own house, I'd still like my adult kids, if they live here, to respect that.  Of course there might be unusual situations from time to time, but that's my general feeling.

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I as a mother would be perturbed by this and worried for my daughter. I as the daughter would be very, very wary of continuing a relationship with such legalistic (I could go on) potential in laws and with a **man** who was so controlled by them. He could have driven your daughter home himself and crashed on your couch. For him to just give up, roll over, and dump the problem on your daughter's lap (who then asked you for help at great inconvenience to you) is pretty awful. I'd be reconsidering everything.

 

 

Yeah, I didn't think of this before.  I was thinking only of the mother's reaction. That would bother me too.  If it was my daughter's boyfriend, I would wonder why he didn't drive her home.  Someone could get her car in the morning, right?  It would lower my opinion of him.  (Now I'm thinking over some recent conversations I've had with my daughter about her boyfriend and I know that if she had been in Goldberry's daughter's position, she would be bracing herself for me to tell her to dump the guy.) 

 

 

Unrelated to the quoted post - I was surprised by a couple of posts (or maybe just one?  not sure) speculating that the daughter could be faking sickness so the kids could sneak a little action that night during the "sleepover".  That never occurred to me.   

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I'm not sure why it would be different. I guess that's worth puzzling out.

 

First knee-jerk reaction: nobody is going to get knocked up if the pair is same-sex, so I can see how it would feel different.

 

In the jurisdiction where I live, it's still a felony to have sex with someone under 18 (even if both persons are under 18) so turning a blind eye is risky for the youths and parents alike. But that's due to the ridiculous state of the law, not a moral judgment.

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Yeah, I didn't think of this before. I was thinking only of the mother's reaction. That would bother me too. If it was my daughter's boyfriend, I would wonder why he didn't drive her home. Someone could get her car in the morning, right? It would lower my opinion of him. (Now I'm thinking over some recent conversations I've had with my daughter about her boyfriend and I know that if she had been in Goldberry's daughter's position, she would be bracing herself for me to tell her to dump the guy.)

 

 

Unrelated to the quoted post - I was surprised by a couple of posts (or maybe just one? not sure) speculating that the daughter could be faking sickness so the kids could sneak a little action that night during the "sleepover". That never occurred to me.

Yeah, and if they have that low of an opinion of the daughter after knowing her for a year and a half, it's not going to get better magically if they get married. That would be one of those stories--hey, remember when Sally pretended to be sick so she could sleep on the couch? So the temptress could be in the same house as our previous boy and convince him to sneak a little sexy times while the rest of the house sleeps despite being grown adults who could be doing the hokey pokey anytime, anyplace they wanted? Yeah, we foiled that plot! **eyeroll**

 

Edited to clarify: the low opinion would be that she is being sneaky and deceptive. I don't care if two adults are actually having sex.

Edited by zoobie
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First knee-jerk reaction: nobody is going to get knocked up if the pair is same-sex, so I can see how it would feel different.

 

In the jurisdiction where I live, it's still a felony to have sex with someone under 18 (even if both persons are under 18) so turning a blind eye is risky for the youths and parents alike. But that's due to the ridiculous state of the law, not a moral judgment.

 

 

I thought this was pertaining to 18 and over. 

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