Struggling with empty nest

[Only me]

I put my heart and soul into raising my kids and now what do I get in return? They decided to grow up and be independent 😉 I was a stay at home mom for almost 25 years. I was planning on returning to the workforce when my youngest started high school. Unfortunately I started having medical problems 7 years ago. I also started with severe back pain which was only diagnosed last year. I had major back nerve surgery about a month ago. I am recuperating but it is a long recovery. I have a lot of restrictions the first 2 months and can't do anything very strenuous for 6 months. Full recovery is 2 years.

 

I made the mistake when I married and lost all of my friends. My husband refused to do anything with my friends and their spouses. Of course I could go out with them alone but after awhile I lost friends because they wanted to do things involving their spouses. They eventually gave up on me after I declined so many invitations to parties etc. I was young and in love so at the time I was ok with it. I wish I had insisted my husband join me. He doesn't have social anxiety or anything like that. He was fine doing things with his friends and their spouses. Also I made the mistake of not really having any ambition to do more than have a family. I worked for several years from age 15-26 but I did secretarial work which is pretty much not needed anymore. I put myself into the position of counting on my spouse and kids for happiness and sense of worth. My kids have all grown up. My oldest is moving long distance on Friday. Come fall my youngest son is transferring to a school 5 hours away and his other sister is a senior about 4 hours away. My husband and I have no relationship. My husband has no desire to spend time with me no matter what I try. We will remain married (or at least that's what he tells me but I have no faith in that). I only truly have one friend. She is dear to me and we email daily but she is very busy with her job and taking care of elderly relatives so we only see each other every few months or so.

 

As I type this I know I sound truly pathetic. I know that I need to take charge. The only one who can change my life is me. I am 51 so if I'm going to change my life I'd better get going since I'm not young anymore.

 

I just don't know where to start. I do not belong to a church. I am Christian but we haven't belonged to a church in a decade. This was another disagreement with my husband. He would not go unless it was a Lutheran church even though religion was less important to him. We only have one Lutheran church in our area but he did not like it so we didn't go to church very often. He would tell me I could go alone. (He didn't want the kids to go to another church when they were young). Then when they were older they didn't really want to go. I did teach them about God and our faith but unfortunately church hasn't been a big part of their lives. This actually makes me so sad and I regret that I didn't stand up more to my husband. Our lives could have been so much more fulfilling and the kids could have had more friends. This especially breaks my heart regarding my middle daughter. She is very closed off and doesn't make friends easily. She is a wonderful young lady but for some reason she doesn't allow herself to get close to people and also has trouble with social skills and reaching out to people and work social cues. I guess that is a matter for a different discussion. Anyway I don't feel comfortable going to a church by myself so I don't think that's really my solution. I wish so much though that I was part of a church family. The past few years have been very challenging emotionally and physically and I could have used the support of a church family. This is also a very tough recovery I'm going through and I don't have very much support from my husband.

 

I feel very lost. I may eventually go back to work but I have no idea what I would do. Right now it isn't a necessity and I can't go to work at least for a few months due to my recovery. My husband wants to move within the next few years. I also want the freedom to be able to travel to go visit my kids and hopefully go a few places I've wanted to see. We've been limited due to my pain. So I'm not sure if getting a job would be the best idea.

 

I really want to find a group of women that I can meet with. It's tough because I'm too young for the seniors groups. Most women my age seem to be working or training for a marathon lol. I also don't realiy have any hobbies or skills. I don't really have the best vision, dexterity or patience for something like knitting. I know I sound pathetic and negative but I am only being honest. On the other hand I feel like I'm a clean slate and ready to create "a whole new me". I just don't know where to begin and I'm would appreciate ideas. I want my life to be more meaningful. Of course my family will always be important to me but I need to find fulfillment beyond them. The empty nest is hitting me especially hard because they were so much of my identify. I know that's not healthy but I didn't realize it until it was too late. I loved teaching them and being a very hands on mom and I think I was good at it. It brought me much joy but now that it's gone I don't know who I am anymore. Since I don't have a good relationship with my husband I feel very alone.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Only me

[Liz CA]

Could you start with a woman's group at any church you like? Since your dh does not care one way or another and the kids are grown now, it would seem a good place to start.

It sounds that you not only feel the loss of companionship because your children are moving out but that over the years you also lost your voice and a little bit of yourself by acquiescing your dh.

You wrote you have no hobbies. Have you given some thought to what would be interesting to you. If you love teaching, could you become a tutor now?

Someone on this board does online tutoring, perhaps they will chime in.

It is definitely a time of transition and changes in our lives but by no means is it the end of all that was good.

Take the time to recover from your surgery, reflect, grieve a little and the try out a few new things and see what "sticks."

 

Not sure if you are looking to improve the relationship with your dh - but that may be a different post.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Liz CA

[Rosie_0801]

You don't sound pathetic, Love.   :grouphug:

[MotherGoose]

There are lots of women who go to church without their husbands. Really, it will be fine. Or start just at a women's bible study during the week.

[bettyandbob]

Another option is to look at volunteer opportunities in your area. Depending on what you choose you can meet some people and start seeing what skills are needed to re-enter the work force if that is what you eventually do.

 

Try out be activities in your community. Look at what your local community center or recreation center offers, join a book club sponsored by the library.

[marbel]

If you want a church family, start looking for a church!  Since you are rather bedridden right now, do some internet searches.  Read their websites; listen to some sermons if they are available to see which ones seem like a good fit.  See what kind of activities they have.  When you are up for it, start visiting.  Lots of women go to church without their husbands.  If someplace seems promising, go again even if people don't immediately approach you.  Be sure to stay for any fellowship time if they have one; that is where you will get to know people.  

 

I agree with looking into the public library. Ours has book groups for all ages, and often has lectures and other special programs; for example one coming up is on finding a job after age 50. There are author visits, talks on various subjects, etc.  Something to get you out of the house and around people. 

 

How about community college classes when you are ready? 

 

I don't think you sound pathetic.  Actually you sound like a few people I know.  Some aspects of your life are similar to mine.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

mistake when I married and lost all of my friends. My husband refused to do anything with my friends and their spouses. Of course I could go out with them alone but after awhile I lost friends because they wanted to do things involving their spouses. They eventually gave up on me after I declined so many invitations to parties etc. I was young and in love so at the time I was ok with it. I wish I had insisted my husband join me. He doesn't have social anxiety or anything like that. He was fine doing things with his friends and their spouses. Also I made the mistake of not really having any ambition to do more than have a family. I worked for several years from age 15-26 but I did secretarial work which is pretty much not needed anymore. I put myself into the position of counting on my spouse and kids for happiness and sense of worth. My kids have all grown up. My oldest is moving long distance on Friday. Come fall my youngest son is transferring to a school 5 hours away and his other sister is a senior about 4 hours away. My husband and I have no relationship. My husband has no desire to spend time with me no matter what I try. We will remain married (or at least that's what he tells me but I have no faith in that). I only truly have one friend. She is dear to me and we email daily but she is very busy with her job and taking care of elderly relatives so we only see each other every few months

 

A couple of things, gently intended:

First, you seem to be limiting your concepts of friends as only being couples-friends, or things you do with your husband. My husband and I have very few couples-friends. We see them maybe once a year at most, and nine of ten of those times are because the other couples have invited us, not the other way round. I saw early on that I wasn't going to sit around, waiting for couples-friends to happen. If I had done so, I would have zero friends. I joined things. I maintained those groups. I still join things. More about this in a minute.

 

Second, I was a Legal Secretary in the past. Why would you say people don't need secretaries anymore? Tons of places need office admins, bookkeepers, social media managers, secretaries. It is true nobody needs a secretary who takes dictation in shorthand and then goes out and types up memos on her IBM Selectric Typewriter, but secretaries using the computer are still very much needed practically everywhere.

 

Third, if you want to go to church, go. Go to a church where you have the best likelihood of eventually being comfortable and then suffer some discomfort until you are comfortable. You simply can't make friends if you won't ever put yourself outside of your comfort zone. I say all this as a die-hard introvert. (See my avatar heading!) I joined the MOMs Club when my oldest child was three, made friends there, and still meet up with a small posse of women from that group almost two decades later. I joined a homeschool co-op when my oldest child was five, made friends there, and still hang onto those friends. In fact, I was thinking about forming a group for Post-Homeschooling Moms, because I see the future and don't want to be community-less.

 

It is true that you didn't do these things years ago, but that doesn't mean you now never can. Find your tribe at Meet-Up. Do a cooking GF food club, or a play Dominoes club, or a country line-dancing group or a soup kitchen volunteer group. Go to a church; leave your husband home. One thing I noticed the extroverts doing is they just join stuff. They look for ways to be around similar people. I know older empty nesters who have done all kinds of things: ballroom dancing, board game groups, cards, movie groups, dinner groups. You have to risk a little discomfort. (That is one thing that's nice with most churches - they will frequently bend over backwards to help a newbie find a place in the church.)

 

I seriously cannot wait on my DH. As he gets older, he only becomes more reclusive and grumpy. I am very glad I established friendships apart from him. It takes me a long time to feel close to people, so that is one reason I am so likely to stay loyal to a group over a long time. But I also keep looking at future possibilities, because seasons change; one day, not to distant, I will no longer be part of the homeschooling community, so I am looking at shoring up some of those relationships now outside of the homeschool connection, so it can continue when we no longer homeschool.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

Second, I was a Legal Secretary in the past. Why would you say people don't need secretaries anymore? Tons of places need office admins, bookkeepers, social media managers, secretaries. It is true nobody needs a secretary who takes dictation in shorthand and then goes out and types up memos on her IBM Selectric Typewriter, but secretaries using the computer are still very much needed practically everywhere.

 

<snip>

 

The learning curve for new technology can be very daunting.  I was looking at a part-time admin job the other day, and one of the required skills included proficiency with a microsoft office product I'd never even heard of, forget about being proficient with it. 

 

But these things can be learned.  Besides online tutorials (which I find unhelpful), I've seen classes at community centers and the public library.  Those are also places one might meet people who are in a similar position.   And, learning new things is always good. 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2017 by marbel

[bettyandbob]

The learning curve for new technology can be very daunting. I was looking at a part-time admin job the other day, and some of the required skills included proficiency with a microsoft office product I'd never even heard of, forget about being proficient with it.

 

But these things can be learned. Besides online tutorials (which I find unhelpful), I've seen classes at community centers and the public library. Those are also places one might meet people who are in a similar position.

These classes are very cheap at my community center. They are also offered through the adult ed division of the public school and at the community college.

 

Also an easy re-entry to work could be front desk person at a community center, rec center or YMCA. This job typically​ requires you to be friendly be able to consistently show up. They train you to run whatever computer stuff needed to check people in. The bonus is you meet people (patrons and co-workers), you often get to use the facility, you often get discounts on classes (you could take aerobics or some of those computer classes).

 

Part of this is taking the first step and getting out there. Then keeping taking steps until you find your stride.

ETA: if you are shy or anxious, it helps to smile . This is hard to do, but it helps a lot and makes other people feel at ease and be attracted to you. 

Edited June 15, 2017 by Diana P.

[Bluegoat]

I'm with the others - bite the bullet and go to church if that is something you yearn for.  I really sympathize with it being difficult - I am extremely shy myself, some would call it social anxiety, and when I started attending my present parish, I was very nervouse even though I knew some people.  And in truth it took me over a year to start to become really friendly with anyone else.  But it was very worth it, and those relationships opened up others.

 

My dh and I have never been a couple that do things a lot together, but one thing I've noticed is as I get older, there seems to be more people, even married, doing things seperatly.

 

You could also think about joining a social group - a gardening club or community garden, book club at the library, volunteer at a local museum to do clerical work, your local library to tutor.  I recently met some people taking ukulele lessons at the community center.  You might also think about something like gentle yoga or tai chi for your health, which would get you out in the community.  My mom made many friends doing a daily class at the Y.

 

Think of this as a time to discover and explore some things that interest you.  It won't create instant friends but it will create the conditions for them.

[Calm37]

I don't think you are too young for the seniors groups. Actually, I think that might be a great "landing strip" for you. The large church in our town has a ladies group that meets each Wednesday morning during the school year for a Bible study and then to go out to lunch. I don't think it is called a "senior group." It just works out that way as most women in my town have jobs. Perhaps something like that is available? I am really enjoying the senior ladies I know in this stage of my life. They "get" my health problems and my rapidly emptying nest, and also operate at a fun pace. Anyway, I would rather be the "young chick" in the ladies Bible study than the "old duck" in the homeschool group, lol.

 

[Scarlett]

(((Hugs)))

 

Everyone else has mentioned great ideas, but I wanted to add that I didn't work since ds was born 17 years ago, until I got an offer to help a single dad with a year old baby. He needed his big house kept clean, laundry done, groceries bought, some meals made, errands of all kinds. Ds was 14 when I started and I would take him with me for the first year or so. Anyway the job has morphed into me working in his office two days a week and still running some errands on a third day...and I anticipate full time work if I want it ( which I don't really) when his aunt fully retires in a year or two.

 

My post homeschool plan was to either start subbing or to go to a few classes and learn how to do tax prep for some where like H&r Block.....I thought the seasonal aspect of it would suit me....anyway, those are a few ideas for you and just to let you see that there are things that work out.

[Scarlett]

I don't think you are too young for the seniors groups. Actually, I think that might be a great "landing strip" for you. The large church in our town has a ladies group that meets each Wednesday morning during the school year for a Bible study and then to go out to lunch. I don't think it is called a "senior group." It just works out that way as most women in my town have jobs. Perhaps something like that is available? I am really enjoying the senior ladies I know in this stage of my life. They "get" my health problems and my rapidly emptying nest, and also operate at a fun pace. Anyway, I would rather be the "young chick" in the ladies Bible study than the "old duck" in the homeschool group, lol.

I agree! Older ladies.....especially ones who get up and join groups can be so much fun!

[J-rap]

You're not pathetic!

 

Maybe you can volunteer at your local hospital or nursing home.  It seems like places like that are always looking for volunteers.  The hospital (or nursing home) will tell you exactly what you need to do, so you don't need to worry about trying to fit in or wonder what to do.

 

Another you could look into is being a classroom assistant at your local elementary school.  Our local elementary school is always in need of classroom assistants.  A friend of mine who is a retired homeschool mom works several afternoons/week in a classroom just sitting with a couple students as they practice reading out loud with her.  She loves it.  

 

Also, businesses certainly do need secretaries and receptionists still!  Their tasks have changed a bit, of course.  Computer skills are generally required for a secretary, although a receptionist's main job is typically answering phones.  A job environment can grow to feel like a second family and be really nice.

 

There's also book clubs, and community-ed type classes for adults (painting, etc.)

 

Fifty-one is young still!  You have a lot of time to get used to the changes, make new friends;  it won't always feel so strange.

 

I'm really sorry about your (lack of) relationship with your husband.   :grouphug:  Would he be open to counseling?  I couldn't tell if this is something you wanted to work toward. 

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

The first step is the very hardest.  The next few steps are almost as hard.  Just focus on taking that first step.  Don't over think that first step or you will never actually take it.

 

Step 1: Today commit to taking 30 minutes to look on the internet or through another means to see if any local churches that might appeal to you have groups that look interesting.  Don't stress over joining them.  Just find a couple of options for churches that might have groups where you could find peers or something interesting to do.  Write down the names and also note the time/day of their normal church service.  Don't stress about it.  Just write it down.  That's all you have to do today.  Walk away after you write it down.  Don't dwell and fret.

 

Step 2:  Tomorrow, write down the church service time for the most appealing church on your calendar.  No stress.  You are just writing down the name and the time on a calendar.

 

Step 3:  The day before the service, lay out your clothes.  Mentally walk through getting ready and going.  It won't be comfortable for you.  You don't like doing things alone.  Tell yourself you are going but try hard not to overthink this or come up with excuses for why you shouldn't.  Commit mentally to doing JUST THIS ONE THING.  Don't worry about all the future steps you might have to take.  Just worry about this one.

 

Step 4:  When you wake up, do what you need to do to prepare for the service but don't THINK about it.  Just go to the church service.  Just sit there and listen and feel the vibe of that church.  Then go home and don't overthink it.

 

Step 5:  Now that you have gone to one service, go to the next one.  This is not a commitment.  This is just trying to get comfortable enough in a strange environment doing something exceedingly uncomfortable that you can actually start to determine if this church will be a good fit.  Take it one week at a time.  If it feels o.k., consider joining a women's group within this church, or a Sunday School class or whatever else might appeal but for right now, just pat yourself on the back that you made it to the second service.    

 

There may be many other things that you could eventually do/join/plan for but if you stress over all of those things you should have done/should be doing/must do in the future you will paralyze yourself.  Just work on these steps.  Day by day.  Step by step.  One step at a time.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[Bambam]

I'd suggest checking into the community service clubs in your area - Pilot Club, Junior League, Rotary Club, Pythian Ladies (associated with the Knights of Pythias), whatever else is available.

Many of these groups have monthly or twice-monthly meetings and have projects that you can work with others on.  Some of the projects would likely be something you could do.

For example, our local Pilot club has two meetings per month (lunch time), helps with Bingo at a nursing home monthly, has two fundraisers, occasionally works with other projects (as arise), and a few of the ladies who are able work weekly at a Alzheimers day club (caregivers drop off patient at 10, they play games, sing, have speakers, eat lunch, etc, pick up at 2 - gives the caregiver some time to themselves, they have one volunteer for each patient so you work every week to try to maintain consistency).  So, these groups many have some things that you can participate in - building relationships with others and doing something that benefits others as well.

 

We have one volunteer group that sets up readers for one nursing home. Some of the residents can't see well enough to read anymore, so they need people to read letters, newspapers, bills, etc to them. If you can go, this might be something. I would imagine there would be other ladies doing the same thing that you could interact with and possibly find friends, not to mention the residents that you would be helping.

 

 

 

 

[bethben]

If you live in a more metro area, children's hospitals take volunteers.  Last time I went, the greeters at the front were volunteers and the greeters on the surgical floor were volunteers.  They hand out things like stickers and games to children, make sure the parents are comfortable, and just make sure everyone is as relaxed as possible.

 

If I was in your position, I would find a larger church with a group that interests you.  There is one church nearby my home that has a Thursday morning group with people from different churches or even no church.  I would probably also volunteer as a math tutor in the school nearby because that is what I enjoy doing.  

 

 

[gardenmom5]

for starters - you sound depressed.  have you spoken with your dr about that?

 

are there any book clubs, flower clubs, art? anything you could join? 

 

can you volunteer at your local school?  helping struggling readers is an area they're always looking for help.

 

take classes at your local community college?  or art classes?

[wintermom]

On the one hand, having a "clean slate" sounds promising and exciting, but on the other hand it's also quite overwhelming because it's so empty. I think you need to start filling in some of the blank pallet with some ideas on your interests and abilities.  Then follow the PP's post on taking the first step toward doing an activity. The more times you take that first step of doing something new, the more confidence you build and the easier it will be to take future first steps. 

[Wheres Toto]

Definitely not pathetic. 

 

I agree with many of the previous answers.  Don't worry about what your husband wants and do what YOU need.  Find a church that you like.  Look on Meet-up or your local library for groups that may interest you.  Book clubs, walking groups, my library has a Scrabble group.

 

IF you like working on computers, I wouldn't give up on the idea of being a secretary.   I work as an Executive Assistant and worked full time as recently as last year.  I could go back tomorrow if I wanted to.   Computer skills are important - at least Word and decent internet skills.   There are free tutorials online for most of the main software packages.  Going through a temp agency they will often offer some training and are a decent way to get your foot in the door.   Good organizational skills and actually being willing to work also go a long way.

 

Good Luck.  At 51, you're still young!   :thumbup1:

[Guest]

The learning curve for new technology can be very daunting. I was looking at a part-time admin job the other day, and one of the required skills included proficiency with a microsoft office product I'd never even heard of, forget about being proficient with it.

 

But these things can be learned. Besides online tutorials (which I find unhelpful), I've seen classes at community centers and the public library. Those are also places one might meet people who are in a similar position. And, learning new things is always good.

Yes, I agree it is hard if you have stood still while technology has blazed past. It has been helpful yo me that I do DH's office work. I'm certainly not cutting edge, but some things I simply must learn along the way, like paying payroll taxes on-line and using the on-line banking's ever-changing security protocols.

 

But yes, when I ocassionally browse through jobs, I always see requests for proficiency in programs I have never even heard of. In some cases, I think, "Well, I would learn this in advance," but other times, I think, "Well, it sounds like there can be some element of OJT here, so I guess I would just say, 'I have no idea what IDEA-47 program is, but I'm a fast learner and I'm willing to be taught!'"

[Guest]

We often talk on here about the sadness of the kids growing up and moving out to start their lives. We want them to feel free to go, and we rejoice in seeing them build lives for themselves, but we miss them.

 

I stayed at a church for 15 years solely so that the family would be together. My dh didn't want to change churches, but he didn't attend regularly either, so last year I found a church that feeds and delights my soul and I attend without him. I joined a women's small Bible study there, and I'm the baby of the group at 55. They are wonderful ladies. This was the best decision I ever made. I didn't realize how much I was dying spiritually at the old church until I found the new church. I will stand before Christ alone someday, so I need to see myself as a separate spiritual being, and take care of that part of me and make it a priority.

 

I am taking computer classes at the community college because I want to have an administrative job after my last graduates next year. I know that it will be hard to get a job at my age, but I'm going for it.

 

You'll be okay.

 

I'm taking all of the advice on here and using it myself!

[jenn&charles]

:grouphug: Everyone else has great suggestions. I just wanted to send you a hug. :-) I'm done with homeschooling now, but I LOVE it. I am redefining myself and focusing on my interests for a change. It takes a while to transition, but you can do it! Think back to the things you enjoyed before kids. Do any of those things still interest you? I've been making friends at a free gardening club at my local library. They have free crafts and such at the library, too. If your passion has been homeschooling, you might connect with a local homeschooling group and find a mom who would love some help once a week or something...just ease yourself into a few things and allow your interests to blossom. If you feel like you don't have any interests, try something new via a local class or group and see if it develops into something more. You will likely develop friendships and find yourself during the process. 

[EMS83]

I have no advice, but wanted to  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  you.  :)

[MommyLiberty5013]

Hi. Your post touched me because my mom seemed to go through many of these things as you, although my sister and I went to public school. Anyway, I want to commend you on a two things:

 

1. Posting all of this stuff for the public to read and comment on.

2. KNOWING yourself and maybe spots where you made a mistake or need improvement. That's huge because so many people are blind to the realities that they make for themselves, but you are aware of that and it is helpful for moving forward. Go you!

 

Once you heal and can do a bit more, what about being something like a bank teller, even part time? It's a very stationary job usually with seats and padded mats for the floor. Plus, it may tie in a lot of your skills from your previous experiences. I think you are wrong to think these past decades of teaching your kids means you have no skills. You have time management. You have organization. You have knowledge. You're a teacher for heaven's sakes! So what if you never got a paycheck??? It is a simple explanation with an engaging smile, "I stepped away from earning a paycheck to be a volunteer teacher in grades _________ fill in the blank. Every day I did this_____ and those skills will help me here because ______________." Turn what may be perceived as a negative into a positive!

 

As for churches, I rarely do this, but you may like to check out www.awakeusnow.com it is a ministry out of Minneapolis that also gathers for Sunday church. The three pastors and staff who began it are Lutheran (LCMS specifically) by background. They have an online presence both via live streams and on YouTube, which spans the globe. I know them very well. Great, great people. Solid. Caring.

[Only me]

Thank you for all the suggestions. I find it so hard as a shy introvert. I got past my shyness through my children because I needed to for them. I wish so much that I already belonged to a church because I almost have an anxiety attack over going to one by myself now.

 

It's not so much that I expected to only have only couple friends but as a young married women most of my friends were also young and married or engaged and really wanted to do things with their husbands. Sure i would go shopping etc with my friends but they weren't too understanding when I kept on turning down invitations to parties or dinners. Then it became difficult for me when I had to hear about these wonderful parties that I didn't attend. It was very difficult to keep up those friendships. I tried to make friends when we first moved here when my kids were young but other than one couple my husband refused to socialize with any of the neighbors. We were friends with one family but they only lived here for about 3 years. When they moved my husband wasn't very Interested in keeping that friendship and it caused my relationship with my friend to suffer. He didn't try to make any more friends or invest in that one. He has a few friends but mostly gets his socialization through work. I tried for awhile to make friends but it all focused on my kids' activities and most ended when the season ended. I really think I missed out on an opportunity to make friends by not going to church or working. I find it hard making friends as an adult.

 

There have been times I've been lonely but I've kept busy with my kids and their activities. Now that they have grown I don't feel a sense of purpose. Of course it hasn't helped that I've been in pain for 7 years. The past year or so there is no way I could sit through a church service. I still have a long recovery ahead of me after this surgery but I'm trying to look ahead to when I am better. It's been so long since my husband and I have spent any time doing anything just the two of us I honestly don't even know what to do. It almost feels awkward. Once I'm better I want to try to do activities together if I can somehow convince him. I don't even have any ideas. I'm not sure if I will be able to return to work for awhile but I can't just stay at home and do nothing. I've been able to handle the loneliness up until now because I've kept busy going to my children's activities but that ended last year when my son graduated. I will have an empty nest in 2 1/2 months so I need to think of something. I really don't even know what kind of hobby I would like. I am going to see what activities my local park district has. I live in a fairly small town so I don't think they will have much. I live in a suburban area so hopefully once I start to feel better I can check the surrounding towns too. These past two decades have really just flown by. I wish I had planned better.

[mathnerd]

Focus on getting better first. Take care of your health. Other things will follow.

My local library is always looking for volunteers to help out with all kinds of activities. Their front desk and computer check outs etc are manned by volunteer ladies who are mostly empty nesters. They also have several classes and exams there which need volunteers for helping out and proctoring. That is a good way to get out of the house and meet people until you can make plans for your future. There are websites for volunteer match these days and if you input your strengths, they can find great local opportunities for you. Good luck.

[Bluegoat]

Thank you for all the suggestions. I find it so hard as a shy introvert. I got past my shyness through my children because I needed to for them. I wish so much that I already belonged to a church because I almost have an anxiety attack over going to one by myself now.

 

It's not so much that I expected to only have only couple friends but as a young married women most of my friends were also young and married or engaged and really wanted to do things with their husbands. Sure i would go shopping etc with my friends but they weren't too understanding when I kept on turning down invitations to parties or dinners. Then it became difficult for me when I had to hear about these wonderful parties that I didn't attend. It was very difficult to keep up those friendships. I tried to make friends when we first moved here when my kids were young but other than one couple my husband refused to socialize with any of the neighbors. We were friends with one family but they only lived here for about 3 years. When they moved my husband wasn't very Interested in keeping that friendship and it caused my relationship with my friend to suffer. He didn't try to make any more friends or invest in that one. He has a few friends but mostly gets his socialization through work. I tried for awhile to make friends but it all focused on my kids' activities and most ended when the season ended. I really think I missed out on an opportunity to make friends by not going to church or working. I find it hard making friends as an adult.

 

There have been times I've been lonely but I've kept busy with my kids and their activities. Now that they have grown I don't feel a sense of purpose. Of course it hasn't helped that I've been in pain for 7 years. The past year or so there is no way I could sit through a church service. I still have a long recovery ahead of me after this surgery but I'm trying to look ahead to when I am better. It's been so long since my husband and I have spent any time doing anything just the two of us I honestly don't even know what to do. It almost feels awkward. Once I'm better I want to try to do activities together if I can somehow convince him. I don't even have any ideas. I'm not sure if I will be able to return to work for awhile but I can't just stay at home and do nothing. I've been able to handle the loneliness up until now because I've kept busy going to my children's activities but that ended last year when my son graduated. I will have an empty nest in 2 1/2 months so I need to think of something. I really don't even know what kind of hobby I would like. I am going to see what activities my local park district has. I live in a fairly small town so I don't think they will have much. I live in a suburban area so hopefully once I start to feel better I can check the surrounding towns too. These past two decades have really just flown by. I wish I had planned better.

 

You really aren't alone in this - a lot of people find it really hard to meet friends as adults.  And when communities are unstable, people are faced with the need to do so fairly often.  Working or church might have helped, and probably not worrying about what your husband did too - you could go to parties without him - but really, that's water under the bridge at this point.  It's something I hear people complain about again and again.

 

I might think of treating connecting with your husband now as a sort of separate project from building a new social network yourself.  Maybe just tell him you'd like, now that the kids are gone, to take some time to do something together regularly - go for a walk, watch a movie, whatever.  Maybe you could take turns choosing something once a month.

 

It's true there can be limited options in smaller places.  I think the thing there is to keep your eyes and mind open and just be willing to try anything that is even a little appealing.  When I lived rurally and had a new baby, it was killing me staying home - I was so lonely and isolated.  I was in an antique shop in the village down the road one day and chatting to the owner discovered that they had a rug hooking group that met in her house, and she invited me.  For several years those ladies, whose average age was probably about 70, kept me sane. 

 

Something will come up.

[Acadie]

Someone may have said this--I haven't read the whole thread--but if you do find a church you like and you have any interest in singing, join the choir! It's a wonderful way to meet people and a way to attend church in community, without feeling like you're sitting alone in a pew if that is an obstacle for you.

 

Amy

[Lecka]

I just moved and am a bit in the same boat.

 

I am younger than you but have started at a church that is mostly people older than me. They are not so busy! They like my kids!

 

It is a smaller church and so there isn't an age segration.

 

One thing I think is -- I think your husband may undermine you socially. He may not do it on purpose -- but he may do it. If people pull back a little after meeting him -- he is probably undermining you on some level.

 

So I think, practically speaking it doesn't sound like he helps you socially, so go for it on your own.

 

It is hard and I have visited churches that didn't seem friendly towards me as a new person. But I think it is good to give it a try.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

It is hard and I have visited churches that didn't seem friendly towards me as a new person. But I think it is good to give it a try.

 

Since the OP mentioned church... I want to encourage people to give a church more than one or two tries.  As a pastor's wife, I know that churches struggle to find just the right amount of friendliness to extend toward visitors.

 

People often complain that churches aren't friendly.  Of course some are not.  But people also complain that churches are too friendly!  I was once badgered by a greeter to sign the guest book and talk about ministries on my first visit.  Sometimes that's the right approach. But as a shy introvert myself, I didn't want to go back,  On the other hand, sometimes people are busy for some reason on a particular day and visitors are not as noticed.   I know I have been busy at church, had my eye on a visitor who was alone and seemed to want to speak to someone, but everyone else seems busy too, and I simply couldn't get to them before they walked out the door.  

 

If a church seems like a good fit based on theology, preaching, etc., do give it more than one try.   

[Bluegoat]

Since the OP mentioned church... I want to encourage people to give a church more than one or two tries.  As a pastor's wife, I know that churches struggle to find just the right amount of friendliness to extend toward visitors.

 

People often complain that churches aren't friendly.  Of course some are not.  But people also complain that churches are too friendly!  I was once badgered by a greeter to sign the guest book and talk about ministries on my first visit.  Sometimes that's the right approach. But as a shy introvert myself, I didn't want to go back,  On the other hand, sometimes people are busy for some reason on a particular day and visitors are not as noticed.   I know I have been busy at church, had my eye on a visitor who was alone and seemed to want to speak to someone, but everyone else seems busy too, and I simply couldn't get to them before they walked out the door.  

 

If a church seems like a good fit based on theology, preaching, etc., do give it more than one try.   

 

Yeah, I think of some congregations as being fairly introverted.  Just like with introverted people, it takes a while to get to know them.

[Mothersweets]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: I'm in the almost the same boat as you, Only me, and just wanted to let you know you're not alone. 

[amy g.]

I go to church but I recently moved to an area where more of my neighbors don't than do.

 

One thing I've noticed is how they have built similar community from other groups such as political and civic organizations.

 

They are on the board for our local museum or the historical society or the community for the arts...

 

They invite each other to various fundraisers and parties so that you socialize with the same people throughout the year and develop a support group.

 

If I was ever again living in an area where I could not find a church that was a good fit, I'd do a better job of seeking out non religious ways to get involved and included in my community.

[Lecka]

In the place I have just moved, I think the Relay for Life for cancer is like that. Some people from my new church are very involved, but it seems like it is an event that pulls people from a lot of different churches or from no church.

 

I agree about sometimes visiting a church and finding it overbearing, too. I agree on giving a likely church more than one chance, too.

 

Right now I know I will move fairly often because of my husband's job, so I can't take a year or two to find my place. But if we were settling down that would suit me better.

 

I can tend to feel like a loser like "I have lived here x amount of time and haven't met many people or gotten involved with anything" -- I think, just do what you can. Nobody will be too aware that you have been around but not been involved, or will understand you have been busy with your kids.

 

I think it is worth trying but at the same time not thinking any one thing will be the thing to bear a lot of fruit.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[Lori D.]

:grouphug:  So sorry you are feeling so low right now. Be gentle with yourself, as some of those feelings can be the very natural part of having been in physical pain and unable to do things, and now also with the surgery recovery -- starting to feel better, but not quite recovered enough to *do* much yet.  :grouphug:

 

...As I type this I know I sound truly pathetic. I know that I need to take charge. The only one who can change my life is me....

 

Sometimes we all just need to vent, and have someone *listen* to our sorrows and disappointments, and empathize. It's important to be "heard" first, before we can move on to "fixing" problems. So right now, on this thread, we're here first for you as listening ears  :bigear:  and shoulders to cry on  :crying: .  :grouphug:

 

 

Then, when you're ready, below are some ideas for starting to brainstorm how to move forward from here. But don't read those until you're ready for "solutions". ;) Wishing you a speedy and complete recovery from your surgery, and that you will soon find what brings meaning and purpose for your life. Warmest regards, Lori D.

 

PS -- I only read your initial post, so please forgive me if I'm repeating things others posted ahead of me. :)

 

 

 

... I am Christian but we haven't belonged to a church in a decade... I don't feel comfortable going to a church by myself so I don't think that's really my solution. I wish so much though that I was part of a church family. The past few years have been very challenging emotionally and physically and I could have used the support of a church family...

 

Bible Study Fellowship is an international bible study group that has women of all ages from all different churches, so that might be a way to start getting Christian fellowship and nurturing your faith while you think through and pray through what to do about possibly finding and joining a church (or not).

 

 

... I really want to find a group of women that I can meet with. It's tough because I'm too young for the seniors groups...

 ...I want my life to be more meaningful...

 

Some of the big churches in our city offer age-based groups where you can go and do the monthly activity (often a sort of "field trip" to a place of interest, or a hike, or meeting at a restaurant for lunch, etc.), and they don't require you be a member to come -- in fact, it's more meant to be a way of inviting friends who might not be church-goers to have the opportunity to do something social and potentially make friends. You might look on the websites of the big churches in your area to see if any of them offer something similar.

 

You might also think about what kinds of activities you do like, or might like to try, and then see what's available in your area to help you start developing your interests -- and potentially meet friends through similarly enjoyed activities. For example:

 

- Community Gardens -- if you like plants/gardening

- Lapidairy club -- rock tumbling/polishing and jewelry-making

- Parks & Rec class -- learn pottery, jewelry-making, stained glass, dance, or other activity offered as classes

 

And you might look into volunteer groups in your area, and see if there is a cause you support and it would be meaningful to you to pour time and talent into helping in that area. That's another way to meet like-minded people for making friends, AND for using your time and talents in a meaningful way that gives you purpose AND helps others. :)

 

 

...I may eventually go back to work but I have no idea what I would do...

 

... Of course my family will always be important to me but I need to find fulfillment beyond them. The empty nest is hitting me especially hard because they were so much of my identify...

 

... I loved teaching them and being a very hands on mom and I think I was good at it. It brought me much joy...

 

With your tremendous experience of homeschooling and parenting, you might also look into your local homeschool group and see if you could offer a co-op class or lead a pre-school or kinder class at a homeschool co-op. Or work from time to time as a tutor. Or, a few times a week, work as a "mother's helper" or "homeschool teacher aide" to a mom with young ones.

 

Further down the road, if you wanted regular work, you might look into becoming a teacher's aid in a pre-school or kindergarten. Or look into working at a Montessori school. Lots of hands-on teaching, and nurturing, of little ones in those positions! :)

 

 

I really want to find a group of women that I can meet with. It's tough because I'm too young for the seniors groups. Most women my age seem to be working or training for a marathon lol. I also don't realiy have any hobbies or skills. I don't really have the best vision, dexterity or patience for something like knitting. I know I sound pathetic and negative but I am only being honest. On the other hand I feel like I'm a clean slate and ready to create "a whole new me". I just don't know where to begin and I'm would appreciate ideas. I want my life to be more meaningful. Of course my family will always be important to me but I need to find fulfillment beyond them. The empty nest is hitting me especially hard because they were so much of my identify. I know that's not healthy but I didn't realize it until it was too late. I loved teaching them and being a very hands on mom and I think I was good at it. It brought me much joy but now that it's gone I don't know who I am anymore. Since I don't have a good relationship with my husband I feel very alone.

 

So sorry to hear about the distance. It's hard to do things alone when what you'd really like is to be able to share an activity with a spouse or child or close friend. But it's going to be so much better for *you* -- your physical healing and emotional well-being -- to get out and do things you enjoy. Perhaps be realistic and know that you will likely be turned down, but keep putting the offer out there to your DH when you plan to do something:

 

- "Hey, I was going to walk around the block and enjoy the sunset; would you like to join me?"

- "I had planned to go see _____ movie, and today is the bargain price day; would you like to go to the evening show with me?"

- "I'm going to do that short nature hike at __________ this weekend. It takes about 2 hours, including the driving. Would you be interested?"

- "There's a really cool exhibit at the museum right now. I'm going to go see that on Saturday. Are you interested in coming too?"

 

Sometimes, when there is distance and no mutual activities in a marriage, when one spouse just starts going and doing the things that they are interested in, the other spouse suddenly realizes that they don't want to be left behind. So by staying positive and extending the offer, but saying nothing more if the spouse turns the offer down, there's no pushing, begging, or expectations, so the spouse going out to the activities is free to enjoy the activities knowing the offer was made and the choice to not go is on the rejecting spouse. And often, the rejecting spouse begins to see the offers are not requirements or expectations, and sometimes begins to *want* to join in.

 

Some people find it valuable to talk with a counselor, to vent, but also for ideas of how to move forward in a distant marriage relationship, so that might be something to consider as well. You might especially find it helpful to look for a counselor who will value and support your Christian faith and desire to at some point return to becoming part of a church family, as that is important and meaningful to you.

Edited June 16, 2017 by Lori D.

[Only me]

What kinds of physical things are you limited to? Not being able to sit through a church service sounds very restricted, but I can't really tell. Are you in physical therapy for your recovery?

 

I'm thinking we're barking up the wrong tree here with many of our suggestions, which must be frustrating you. It might help to know more about what you're physically capable of doing without sending you into spasms of pain. But only if you want to share that, of course. :grouphug:

I had delicate surgery on nerves in my spine as well as having my sacral bone reconstructed. I've actually been in bed for a month and gradually doing more now. I have major restrictions for 2-3 months (no lifting, bending, reaching, twisting or pushing). It's a very gradual recovery. To put things in perspective I just spent 10 minutes cleaning up our kitchen table and island. It was a mess because no one did it since I've been down. I also acidentally bent down to try to reach something under our sink. I keep on forgetting my limitations. I had immediate pain and now I'm in bed. I am gradually getting better though. Up until a few days ago I hadn't been out except for the doctor. My daughter is moving tomorrow so I'm forcing myself a bit. I made it through dinner out but it was about 1/2 hour and I had to sit with 2 cushions. (Baby steps !!). I can't even do physical therapy for 6 months. Realistically I can't go to church or really go anywhere by myself yet but I'm trying to plan ahead. I won't be able to do anything where I have to sit or stand or walk too long but I eventually will be able to do more. I think I will be able to sit first. It's discouraging especially due to the circumstances and I've felt very alone. I want to get out of this funk I'm in and start over. I probably can't hold down a job right now but I definitely can start to think of ways to meet people. I love playing games like Yahtzee and simple things like that so maybe I can find a game club. Eventually when I'm capable I would like to volunteer with dogs but that will probably be awhile. There are many volunteer ideas that people have posted but realistically it will be awhile before I can do that. For instance I can't stand long enough to be a greeter. Things will get better but right now my pain and nerve medication make it hard to think clear so I can't do anything with kids right now but eventuality I can. So I'm open to ideas like that. I don't want to teach or even tutor but I'm sure there are other ways I can help. So please keep the ideas coming even though it might be 6 months or a year before I can do them. Of course I'd love ideas for now too thanks.

 

Please give me strength. My daughter is moving 1200 miles away tonight. This is so different from college. Her room is almost empty and her walls are bare. She is only taking what fits into her small car I'm so sad that we spent most of the last 9 months fighting. It's amazing though . She has been a different person ever since the last day of work. . At least I know she hadnt changed completely . Apparently the stress of the job changed her more than we knew. I think our relationship is better than I thought and she truly does want to be part of my life after all.

[sassenach]

It sounds like the first thing you need is time for your body to heal. After that you can start to assess what you physically feel up to. You've received a lot of good suggestions here. I'll just add water aerobics, chair/gentle yoga, or other physical activities that are geared toward physical limitations.

 

In the meantime, hang out here! We'll be your friends. Join the book discussions, give advice to new homeschooling moms, share recipes.

 

You're not going to change all the things that you want to overnight. One thing at a time. (((HUGS)))

[Guest]

Something that fell into my lap that I hope I never forget is that when I was sort of at a "I'm So Lost" phase, and kind of blue, I met a young person who loved to do an outdoor hobby, but he could not drive.  It was up to his (single mom, 5 kids) to get him out for his outings.  Well, big hearted old me, I decided, "I'm going to help out the mom and take this kid out to do his hobby aren't I great and generous!"  (eye roll at me)  So I did, and the first time we went out, I sat in the car and waited for him for 2 hours.  But he was so excited about his adventure that the next time, I went out with him for half an hour...and the next time an hour...and then I got some of the equipment that he had so I could half-heartedly join in...and then...well, before you knew it, *I* had a new hobby, something I very much enjoy doing.  And even more important, I had a friend (yes, a young man, not the Friend of My Bosom, to quote Anne) and I was so encouraged because it was kind of a rough spot in our family and between me and my son, and here was a young person who LIKED me.  I met other young people and have become part of a multi-generational circle of hobbyists and have been challenged both intellectually and artistically, and it's just been GREAT.

 

So I set out to Be A Blessing.  Joke's on me...I'm blessed beyond measure.  That's the part I hope I never forget.  

 

Two years ago, I was chair-bound for much of the day due to pain, and felt so lonely.  It turned out that my 40th high school reunion was that year, and the planning committee was having a hard time finding about 30% of our classmates.  I thought I could be an internet snoop and find some of the people, and I did--I found about half of them, so they were invited, and about half of them came.  In the process, I got to know a lot of the people in my class who had always sort of cowed me (my fault, not theirs) and we have had a lively correspondence since then.  And a lot of shared prayers because 40 years in, there can be a lot to face down.  

 

I'm not saying these things to say "Hey look at me!" but because I've been in your shoes, a little lost, a little directionless, bereft, cut out of things that I used to enjoy, and disabled (temporarily, thank God)...but these turned out to be inflection points toward good things...  I hope this time can be so for you.