One of my adult kids won't speak to me

[Selkie]

I very much hope my kids will want to have a relationship with me when they are adults. However, I would never dream of putting pressure on them to do so by telling them that it's their duty or a family tradition. Honestly, that seems pretty controlling to me. I always tell my kids that once they are adults, they can make their own decisions and live their lives however they choose. I would never want them to think of their relationship with dh and me as being a responsibility or obligation that they must fulfill.

[abba12]

Not gonna go there re working parents. My sister is a sole, working parent who has used daycare and who now has her child at school. There is ZERO difference in her lovingness as compared to mine - partnered, no daycare, homeschooled. Sorry, but saying working families tend not to put much into their children other than buying them stuff is just b/s.

 

Except that that's not even remotely what I said, but, whatever. 

[Guest]

Who mentioned telling them it's their duty or putting pressure on them? 

 

Modelling caring relationships with one's own parents - including sensible boundaries - can only inspire an adult child to do likewise.

 

There's no pressure. Good family of origin relationships add to one's adult life, they don't detract.

 

...and even then, it doesn't always work out.  But I do agree in general.  :0)  And it is a helpful thought when young adults are a little remote, to know that they see you caring for your own parents.  

[Guest]

No, it won't always work out. It's not a foolproof plan.

 

I haven't found one of those yet.  THOUGHT I had.  Duh.

[Guest]

I can't imagine having to consider if my post or words are all of those things.  I am rarely inspiring, and sometimes what I say isn't necessary.  I do try to be truthful, helpful, and kind.  That is about all I can muster.  

 

If I have to be inspiring and necessary as well......I will have to stop posting.

 

 

:0)

 

I THINK the main value in the THINK (or any similar) method is that if you spend the few seconds it takes to go through the list, half the time you either decide to shut up or forget what you were going to say (depending on your age).  The world could do with a lot more shutting up.  Especially from ME!!!

[Guest]

I'm gonna go all woo-woo on you here, so buckle up or don't let the door hit you.

 

I've been reading a lot for the past few years about the difference between being a person and an individual.  The topic is addressed a lot in Orthodox Christianity, but it was also the main contribution of Martin Buber, a Jew.  And what a lot of study over a few years MEANS is that I am not an expert and that I will say things very badly and incompletely.  

 

But there are some things that stand out to me. I will use the personal pronoun "one"; forgive me but I am too lazy to do the him/her/their thing--I promise, at best, consistency, but I do not promise literary elegance.  It's clunky.  But I don't want to deal with THAT issue at this point.

 

An individual defines oneself  by the choices one makes, by what one thinks, how one chooses to present oneself.  

 

A person is defined by the relationships in which one engages, by the relationships into which one is born.  

 

This can go afield in many good and interesting directions, but one that speaks to me in a profound way.  I want to be a person.  I want personal relationships--actual communion with other persons.  

 

But our culture is very individualistic; it honors and respects individualism, even as it decries the loss of community.  This affects every part of our lives--we have to defend our decisions because they *define* us.  We are Homeschoolers.  Bisexual.  Crunchy.  Liberal.  Self-made.  Independent.  We define ourselves by adjectives instead of BEING nouns.  

 

Sometimes, I think this cultural attitude pushes people away from one another as a means of self-definition, when at the same time, we as a culture mourn our loss of community.  

 

So what does this have to do with the young woman estranging herself from her family?  Maybe she is feeling that she has to self-define as an individual, to find out who she really is.  I know I see a LOT of this in the young people I know.  But my general gut feeling is that it is only within relationship that one will find oneself, that one will become a person.   

 

One of the bloggers I read a lot has been dealing a lot with this distinction lately; he has an intriguing introduction to a recent post.  I've been thinking about this a lot--mostly in the light of intercultural understanding.  (Why is it that we don't understand Russians? Russian literature?).   One wonders.

 

I once read that the Russian instinct, when under pressure, was to gather with other people, while the American instinct was to flee. Thus, the Russian landscape was marked by villages, while America was marked with isolated homesteads.

 

 

 

[Guest]

Oh, and one other pipe-up.

 

We had to deal with counseling almost exactly a year ago.  It saved our family.  At the time, it was impossible for me and my son to talk.  Long story.  But he DID talk to the counselor.  

 

She told me something very interesting.  She said that many young men in my son's situation would not talk to her...and they were the ones that had serious issues with their moms.  But the young men who would talk to her LOVED their mothers but there was a break (no one's fault) that had to be dealt with and that was where she came in. She said that within a year, my son and I would be back on track.

 

And lo, it has come to pass. 

 

 

Thank God.  

 

SO my point (I say that a lot, mostly because I rattle on a lot) is that sometimes a break in relationship is temporary.  We had more power in the situation than the OP did, and I will say that made a difference.  But ultimately, it was within my son to *want* the relationship...  It took about 6 months of counsel to get back on track...counsel for HIM, not even family counseling.  

 

If SHE wants it, and you stay ready for it without expectation, OP, it will happen.  But if she doesn't, there isn't a lot you can do...but be ready, without expectation. God be with you.

 

[Rosie_0801]

:0)

 

I THINK the main value in the THINK (or any similar) method is that if you spend the few seconds it takes to go through the list, half the time you either decide to shut up or forget what you were going to say (depending on your age).  The world could do with a lot more shutting up.  Especially from ME!!!

 

Probably not. You do give the impression you are worth listening to. ;)

 

 

I've even read your post below three times because, to paraphrase, you deserve the honour of rational opposition. ;) (Which will probably stay in my head because it's a complete rabbit trail to this thread.)

[creekland]

We have the same situation going on in my family. This sister isnt really speaking to anyone, and won't even give us her new address. It started when she went through some "Healing Journey" through her church. The most anyone can get out of her is she now believes our parents were toxic and abusive---none of which is true.

 

It's very very hard, especially if you've been a close knit family.

 

I had this happen in my family too - both with a sibling and with our oldest.  It wasn't through "church" with my sibling though.  It was through a therapist.  Suddenly she "remembered" so many things that never happened in our childhood.  Ever since then, she's convinced those memories (of abuse, of course - and being neglected) are real.  No one can convince her otherwise.  It's really, really sad.

 

With my oldest, it was another adult (homeschooling mom at that) when he was in college.  My guy happened to leave his e-mail open one day and I went to close it for him... but found an e-mail she had written to him - then pages of e-mails - a whole folder devoted to just her.  I didn't read them all (would have taken forever), but what I saw was enough.  She was flat out telling him how he had lost out by having bad parents who weren't doing things "right" (meaning how she would do them, of course).  He too has "bad" memories that never actually happened (like never getting birthday parties as a kid - uh, we have pictures!).  Her "help" had him go from our #1 loving son - very close - very family "fun loving" to thinking his upbringing was bad. (sigh)  He hasn't totally cut off contact from us, but he's quite distant.  He has cut off contact from the rest of his friends in our area.  

 

It's really, really sad how much one person can trick the mind.

 

You wanna know what's ironic?  Her own kids have mental disorders and/or have been to prison for drugs, etc.  None of that happened to mine (not yet anyway), but somehow we were the bad parents.

 

The only good thing that has come of this is his brothers have seen the whole thing (in horror - similar to me with my sibling) - and are committed to keeping our family closeness.  We joked that we'll be living in their basement in our retirement after paying for college.  They (not joking) have let us know they're perfectly fine with it if we need them.

 

MIL has Alzheimers.  My dad has named mental disorders.  I can't fathom cutting off all contact even if we limit it some due to those disorders.  I definitely feel the blood ties that bind us.  I feel for those who don't.

 

 

You don't have to give yourself 100% to be a decent parent, who can reasonably have some expectation that your adult children will keep up some kind of communication with you. 100% sounds like insane burnout territory to me. 

 

Food on the table, roof over the head, warm clothes, an education and some attention and fun times/no abuse  is perfectly acceptable as a model of parenting. Honestly, if this was what most children globally received, it would be incredible!

 

The cold shoulder is not mature behaviour. A grown woman of 30+ should, in many circumstances, be able to do better.

 

I'm really quite shocked by some of the attitudes in this thread. Not how my extended family or close family works. 

 

Not gonna go there re working parents. My sister is a sole, working parent who has used daycare and who now has her child at school. There is ZERO difference in her lovingness as compared to mine - partnered, no daycare, homeschooled. Sorry, but saying working families tend not to put much into their children other than buying them stuff is just b/s.

 

:iagree:  Even my oldest hasn't quit all contact.  We had a nice visit with him this past spring and expect to see him again this summer.  It's not as close as it used to be and we don't talk too much about the past, but there's still that tie that binds.  Who knows?  Maybe it will improve once he has kids.

 

I think cutting off all contact is definitely abnormal - perhaps occasionally with good reasons - but I know plenty of folks who didn't have "perfect" parents who just accept them the way they are (mental disorder and all) and perhaps limit contact (like I do with my dad).

 

Overall, I'd be worried at someone suddenly doing this - that they're being led astray by some "therapist" either real/licensed or wishful thinking in their mind.  Cults could be in play too, as could drugs.  I'd be asking siblings wanting at least "basic" answers.

[readinmom]

I'm sorry this is happening...it must be heartbreaking for you.  Keep in mind, when she does need you, she will call.  You're her momma.  

[mom@shiloh]

Creekland, I'm sorry to hear about your ds.

 

Thank you to those of you who encouraged me.  To those of you who didn't -- you gave me some things to ponder. Perhaps my initial post came across more harshly than I intended.  Sarcasm is my coping mechanism, I suppose, although I use it sparingly in actual conversation.  I really was just letting off steam and was hoping for a safe place to do so.  

[creekland]

Creekland, I'm sorry to hear about your ds.

 

Thank you to those of you who encouraged me.  To those of you who didn't -- you gave me some things to ponder. Perhaps my initial post came across more harshly than I intended.  Sarcasm is my coping mechanism, I suppose, although I use it sparingly in actual conversation.  I really was just letting off steam and was hoping for a safe place to do so.  

 

What that mom did made me furious (and that's putting it lightly).  My three boys were all super good friends growing up.  Strangers, camp counselors, neighbors - all would comment on how awesome it was to see.  Now oldest won't talk with them at all - not even electronically.  He was a teen leader in our local church and a community group.  Peers looked up to him.  Now he won't answer them at all either.  He's created a whole different "past" apparently and they no longer "fit" in it so can't be part of his present.  (We suspect it's because they could contradict his stories.)  When he last visited us with his fiance, we pulled out pictures - showing them things (like his past birthday parties as a lad).  He only mentioned, "I don't remember that at all."  He's never been here since in spite of invitations.

 

Like others have said, we can't change him.  He's convinced we were bad parents and he had a terrible upbringing.  I'll be the first to say we weren't perfect.  Like many parents, we learned a lot with our oldest, but his stories and "memories" go way beyond what happened and then there are the things that happened (like perhaps wrongly accusing him of some misdeed) that got magnified beyond what anyone else saw.  I remain hopeful that when he has kids of his own, he'll come around - that he'll see just how "normally unperfect" we were.  I'd love to show him kids from school who truly have bad parents - no food, drugs, physical abuse, neglect - and let him compare, but who knows?  Maybe that would just give his brain ideas.  (sigh)

 

My sister will tell anyone that she never went anywhere nor did anything fun in our youth.  That surprises me because I could have sworn that was her sitting next to me on County/State Fair or Disney rides.  Someone slept with me in motel rooms on our annual Christmas trip to FL and summer vacations to all sorts of places.  I thought it was her.  Someone rode ponies with me - enjoying them for hours in a day in our youth.  Again, I thought it was her.  But to anyone who will listen?  "I" got it all and did it all.  She got nothing except all the chores to do.  Then people feel sorry for her and  I think that amplifies her feelings.  Chances are it's the same for my son.

 

But again, neither of these have cut off all contact.  They've significantly cut back, but not cut it all off.  I think that truly is abnormal and it would worry me.  But as others said, I also wouldn't press much over the past.  We don't.  We take what we have now, do our part with calls, updates on info/family members/former friends, birthdays, Christmas, etc, and are thrilled that we can still visit him once or twice per year even if he doesn't come here anymore.  We try not to bring up the past, but aren't perfect with that as he was such a part of our trips/lives and naturally is there in our memories as we recall them.  We try to work with what we have rather than undoing the past.  I also try to forget about that other mom... and try not to wish I'd had him go anywhere else to college (sigh).  It's tough for me to recommend Christian colleges at all now with that experience TBH, but I try to separate that knowing it could have happened anywhere if he'd met the wrong person.  That said, neither of my other two had any similar experience at their fully secular schools... and kept/strengthened their faith... so it weighs on my mind.

 

I agree with others who say to do your best to accept things as they are in the present and go from there.  But at the same time, "the present" for me would include nicely asking siblings if they knew what the issue was - just so I could know.  Not knowing is worse even than knowing it's all based upon a quack "friend" or "counselor."  It doesn't change anything, but it gives reasons.  Then we pray and do what we can from there.  There's no guarantee for change.  We don't beat ourselves up for being bad parents, but there certainly are things we would change if we could go back in time keeping today's knowledge (of parenting).  We recall how perfect his college seemed for what he wanted at that time and take some consolation that he found the love of his life there.  I just wish the rest had been different.  I guess I wish that other mom hadn't found that college for her daughter!

 

FWIW, I'm also glad that he's doing quite well in his adult life - very successful at his job, has a good marriage, and is active in things he enjoys.  It didn't all turn out badly - just our close relationship (along with everyone else from his past) got burned.  I can't say the same for my sister.  I can't help but wonder about her "therapist."

[BarbecueMom]

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I'm one of those adults with some weird "backward resentment". Things that were done right by my mom that I cringe at now (even if I do the same things with my own kids!). I own it though, and try to not let it determine relationships today.

 

For instance, many people were horrified when they read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I, on the other hand, was insanely jealous. That was the childhood I wanted, the childhood that so many considered borderline abusive. I would have loved that constant pressure, because I hit the brick walls of Peer Opinion and Actual Real Life very, very hard. The carefree "I believe you can do anything you put your mind to" childhood crumbled when it hit those walls.

 

I'm 34, about same age as your daughter, and if I didn't have a spouse and kids and a way to legitimately stay at home and out of the rat race I desperately wanted but was extremely underprepared for, I'd be floundering. And probably unable to contain the anger or blame, misplaced or not. Long story short, you may have not done anything wrong. Life is messy. I hope things work out, and that she's physically and mentally okay no matter what.

[Scarlett]

I so much agree.

 

Maybe because my parents and I have been through it all - a perfectly fine childhood, an adolescence marred by verbal and physical abuse, distance in early adulthood, acknowledgement of, asking forgiveness for, and offering reparation for that abuse, me having kids and having a better idea of extenuating circumstances, to a pretty good relationship in adulthood. Such that I literallly couldn't do without them right now, and one of my key goals in the future is to look after them in old age to the best of my ability.

 

Absent ongoing abuse, it's hard for me to understand other cultural ideas around the adult child-parent relationship. It's not exactly about owing your parents...it's more about what it means to be a child. And absent abuse, for me, being an adult child means being there - in some way - for my parents.

 

And yes, that my children, as adults, to the best of their ability, are there in some way for me. 

 

I suppose I think families owe each other communication. And cutting someone off and refusing to communicate why seems cruel to me. 

 

One can do the developmental work of living a separate adult life, and still communicate. "All fine here, just busy. Talk when things settle down." How hard is that?

 

 

Because liking this post was not enough.

 

I love, love love it.

[Scarlett]

We have the same situation going on in my family. This sister isnt really speaking to anyone, and won't even give us her new address. It started when she went through some "Healing Journey" through her church. The most anyone can get out of her is she now believes our parents were toxic and abusive---none of which is true.

 

It's very very hard, especially if you've been a close knit family.

 

 

I had this happen in my family too - both with a sibling and with our oldest.  It wasn't through "church" with my sibling though.  It was through a therapist.  Suddenly she "remembered" so many things that never happened in our childhood.  Ever since then, she's convinced those memories (of abuse, of course - and being neglected) are real.  No one can convince her otherwise.  It's really, really sad.

 

With my oldest, it was another adult (homeschooling mom at that) when he was in college.  My guy happened to leave his e-mail open one day and I went to close it for him... but found an e-mail she had written to him - then pages of e-mails - a whole folder devoted to just her.  I didn't read them all (would have taken forever), but what I saw was enough.  She was flat out telling him how he had lost out by having bad parents who weren't doing things "right" (meaning how she would do them, of course).  He too has "bad" memories that never actually happened (like never getting birthday parties as a kid - uh, we have pictures!).  Her "help" had him go from our #1 loving son - very close - very family "fun loving" to thinking his upbringing was bad. (sigh)  He hasn't totally cut off contact from us, but he's quite distant.  He has cut off contact from the rest of his friends in our area.  

 

It's really, really sad how much one person can trick the mind.

 

 

I have posted before how my brother did this too.  He 'remembers' things that I absolutely know did not happen.  I had a psychiatrist tell me that drug abuse (which is often used to self medicate mental illness) often brings on these false memories and distorted memories of the past.  So that is how I explain his....drugs in his youth and beyond which exacerbated the mental illness and completely changed him as a person.  My poor mother is devastated.   

[Anne in CA]

What that mom did made me furious (and that's putting it lightly).  My three boys were all super good friends growing up.  Strangers, camp counselors, neighbors - all would comment on how awesome it was to see.  Now oldest won't talk with them at all - not even electronically.  He was a teen leader in our local church and a community group.  Peers looked up to him.  Now he won't answer them at all either.  He's created a whole different "past" apparently and they no longer "fit" in it so can't be part of his present.  (We suspect it's because they could contradict his stories.)  When he last visited us with his fiance, we pulled out pictures - showing them things (like his past birthday parties as a lad).  He only mentioned, "I don't remember that at all."  He's never been here since in spite of invitations.

 

Like others have said, we can't change him.  He's convinced we were bad parents and he had a terrible upbringing.  I'll be the first to say we weren't perfect.  Like many parents, we learned a lot with our oldest, but his stories and "memories" go way beyond what happened and then there are the things that happened (like perhaps wrongly accusing him of some misdeed) that got magnified beyond what anyone else saw.  I remain hopeful that when he has kids of his own, he'll come around - that he'll see just how "normally unperfect" we were.  I'd love to show him kids from school who truly have bad parents - no food, drugs, physical abuse, neglect - and let him compare, but who knows?  Maybe that would just give his brain ideas.  (sigh)

 

My sister will tell anyone that she never went anywhere nor did anything fun in our youth.  That surprises me because I could have sworn that was her sitting next to me on County/State Fair or Disney rides.  Someone slept with me in motel rooms on our annual Christmas trip to FL and summer vacations to all sorts of places.  I thought it was her.  Someone rode ponies with me - enjoying them for hours in a day in our youth.  Again, I thought it was her.  But to anyone who will listen?  "I" got it all and did it all.  She got nothing except all the chores to do.  Then people feel sorry for her and  I think that amplifies her feelings.  Chances are it's the same for my son.

 

But again, neither of these have cut off all contact.  They've significantly cut back, but not cut it all off.  I think that truly is abnormal and it would worry me.  But as others said, I also wouldn't press much over the past.  We don't.  We take what we have now, do our part with calls, updates on info/family members/former friends, birthdays, Christmas, etc, and are thrilled that we can still visit him once or twice per year even if he doesn't come here anymore.  We try not to bring up the past, but aren't perfect with that as he was such a part of our trips/lives and naturally is there in our memories as we recall them.  We try to work with what we have rather than undoing the past.  I also try to forget about that other mom... and try not to wish I'd had him go anywhere else to college (sigh).  It's tough for me to recommend Christian colleges at all now with that experience TBH, but I try to separate that knowing it could have happened anywhere if he'd met the wrong person.  That said, neither of my other two had any similar experience at their fully secular schools... and kept/strengthened their faith... so it weighs on my mind.

 

I agree with others who say to do your best to accept things as they are in the present and go from there.  But at the same time, "the present" for me would include nicely asking siblings if they knew what the issue was - just so I could know.  Not knowing is worse even than knowing it's all based upon a quack "friend" or "counselor."  It doesn't change anything, but it gives reasons.  Then we pray and do what we can from there.  There's no guarantee for change.  We don't beat ourselves up for being bad parents, but there certainly are things we would change if we could go back in time keeping today's knowledge (of parenting).  We recall how perfect his college seemed for what he wanted at that time and take some consolation that he found the love of his life there.  I just wish the rest had been different.  I guess I wish that other mom hadn't found that college for her daughter!

 

FWIW, I'm also glad that he's doing quite well in his adult life - very successful at his job, has a good marriage, and is active in things he enjoys.  It didn't all turn out badly - just our close relationship (along with everyone else from his past) got burned.  I can't say the same for my sister.  I can't help but wonder about her "therapist."

Interestingly this happened with my MIL's brother. As a young man in his mid 20's he completely estranged himself from his parents and never reconnected at all. It really devastated them. They were not perfect parents, I don't believe they were ever as involved as you were, Creekland, but they were very loving parents. The stress of losing a child and not knowing why was very hard for them. In late middle age their son wrote them a letter explaining why he was angry, and my MIL says nothing in the letter was true at all. It was very sad. 

 

In their case I think a relative was involved with the discoloration of the past. In the case of my MIL's brother (my husband's uncle) he was an extreme alcoholic and I do wonder if that colored his life. He was a very successful business man though. Had a HUGE construction company. 

[Lady Florida.]

I can't imagine having to consider if my post or words are all of those things.  I am rarely inspiring, and sometimes what I say isn't necessary.  I do try to be truthful, helpful, and kind.  That is about all I can muster.  

 

If I have to be inspiring and necessary as well......I will have to stop posting.

 

If we're honest with ourselves, none of the posts here are necessary. It's a place to hang out with online friends. The other boards - education, special needs - can be helpful but even they aren't necessary. 

 

I do try to be helpful and kind here and elsewhere, and I'm truthful everywhere (IRL and online), but inspiring and necessary? Nope. I'm just hanging out and talking. We'd all have to stop posting if our posts have to be necessary.

[Scarlett]

The version I heard is 'Is it true, is it kind, is it helpful/necessary'  Needs to be at least 2 of the 3.  I've thought a lot about that over the years. 

[bolt.]

The version I heard is 'Is it true, is it kind, is it helpful/necessary' Needs to be at least 2 of the 3. I've thought a lot about that over the years.

So, I can freely say things that are helpful and kind, even if they aren't true? I see a lot of potential wiggle room in that rule!

[Scarlett]

So, I can freely say things that are helpful and kind, even if they aren't true? I see a lot of potential wiggle room in that rule!

 

 

I know!  I am thinking it needs to be all 3.  Or at least truthful and one of the others.

[creekland]

I have posted before how my brother did this too.  He 'remembers' things that I absolutely know did not happen.  I had a psychiatrist tell me that drug abuse (which is often used to self medicate mental illness) often brings on these false memories and distorted memories of the past.  So that is how I explain his....drugs in his youth and beyond which exacerbated the mental illness and completely changed him as a person.  My poor mother is devastated.   

 

No drugs were involved in either case in my family.  My dad has some named mental illnesses and those genes could have been passed on interfering some I suppose, but that's all I can come up with and that's pretty shaky to consider a solid link.

 

I went back and forth as to whether I should post - or not.  Things on the internet are "forever" and who knows who else might be reading, but in the end, I decided to share to let other parents know they are NOT alone.  Considering how many on this thread feel there is "no problem" with cutting off contact over some slight or another, there are probably others like "that mom" (and the therapist) out there at work listening to and helping create sob stories.  I suppose it makes them feel good thinking they are "helping."  None of us are perfect parents.  Absolutely none of us.  Does it make those types feel good to be able to criticize mistakes in others under the guise of being "helpful?"  Do they realize everything they are hearing is not necessarily true, but becomes "more true" in the teller's mind if it gets reaffirmed over and over?  Probably not.  They are too busy feeling smug at how they "helped."

 

Working at school (and living life) I see some REAL horrid parent stories - kids with cancer abandoned, drug abuse, kids being assaulted within their own family when the parents know it is happening, sometimes encouraging it.  Trying to encourage those young adults is totally different than suggesting parents are horrid because of any class/socialization/sport/travel/party/discipline or similar parenting choice that might happen to differ or "normal" parenting mistakes.  

 

Real friends/therapists don't try to break family bonds except in some of those truly horrid cases.  

 

But for the OP, whatever it is (mental issue - false "history" - who knows), what's done is done and she must go on from here.  The real world sucks sometimes, but we have to deal with it.  I still suggest checking with siblings (nicely), praying, not taking it personally - other than admitting where there might have been mistakes instead of pretending to have a halo, and going on knowing whatever it is is REAL to her daughter whether it's real to others or not (or half and half).  Perhaps things will get better.  Perhaps not.  There is no guarantee - esp if the wrong types of "friends" are involved on the other end.

[nixpix5]

What that mom did made me furious (and that's putting it lightly). My three boys were all super good friends growing up. Strangers, camp counselors, neighbors - all would comment on how awesome it was to see. Now oldest won't talk with them at all - not even electronically. He was a teen leader in our local church and a community group. Peers looked up to him. Now he won't answer them at all either. He's created a whole different "past" apparently and they no longer "fit" in it so can't be part of his present. (We suspect it's because they could contradict his stories.) When he last visited us with his fiance, we pulled out pictures - showing them things (like his past birthday parties as a lad). He only mentioned, "I don't remember that at all." He's never been here since in spite of invitations.

 

Like others have said, we can't change him. He's convinced we were bad parents and he had a terrible upbringing. I'll be the first to say we weren't perfect. Like many parents, we learned a lot with our oldest, but his stories and "memories" go way beyond what happened and then there are the things that happened (like perhaps wrongly accusing him of some misdeed) that got magnified beyond what anyone else saw. I remain hopeful that when he has kids of his own, he'll come around - that he'll see just how "normally unperfect" we were. I'd love to show him kids from school who truly have bad parents - no food, drugs, physical abuse, neglect - and let him compare, but who knows? Maybe that would just give his brain ideas. (sigh)

 

My sister will tell anyone that she never went anywhere nor did anything fun in our youth. That surprises me because I could have sworn that was her sitting next to me on County/State Fair or Disney rides. Someone slept with me in motel rooms on our annual Christmas trip to FL and summer vacations to all sorts of places. I thought it was her. Someone rode ponies with me - enjoying them for hours in a day in our youth. Again, I thought it was her. But to anyone who will listen? "I" got it all and did it all. She got nothing except all the chores to do. Then people feel sorry for her and I think that amplifies her feelings. Chances are it's the same for my son.

 

But again, neither of these have cut off all contact. They've significantly cut back, but not cut it all off. I think that truly is abnormal and it would worry me. But as others said, I also wouldn't press much over the past. We don't. We take what we have now, do our part with calls, updates on info/family members/former friends, birthdays, Christmas, etc, and are thrilled that we can still visit him once or twice per year even if he doesn't come here anymore. We try not to bring up the past, but aren't perfect with that as he was such a part of our trips/lives and naturally is there in our memories as we recall them. We try to work with what we have rather than undoing the past. I also try to forget about that other mom... and try not to wish I'd had him go anywhere else to college (sigh). It's tough for me to recommend Christian colleges at all now with that experience TBH, but I try to separate that knowing it could have happened anywhere if he'd met the wrong person. That said, neither of my other two had any similar experience at their fully secular schools... and kept/strengthened their faith... so it weighs on my mind.

 

I agree with others who say to do your best to accept things as they are in the present and go from there. But at the same time, "the present" for me would include nicely asking siblings if they knew what the issue was - just so I could know. Not knowing is worse even than knowing it's all based upon a quack "friend" or "counselor." It doesn't change anything, but it gives reasons. Then we pray and do what we can from there. There's no guarantee for change. We don't beat ourselves up for being bad parents, but there certainly are things we would change if we could go back in time keeping today's knowledge (of parenting). We recall how perfect his college seemed for what he wanted at that time and take some consolation that he found the love of his life there. I just wish the rest had been different. I guess I wish that other mom hadn't found that college for her daughter!

 

FWIW, I'm also glad that he's doing quite well in his adult life - very successful at his job, has a good marriage, and is active in things he enjoys. It didn't all turn out badly - just our close relationship (along with everyone else from his past) got burned. I can't say the same for my sister. I can't help but wonder about her "therapist."

This story gutted me. I am so sorry. I have seen this happen before. Minds are so impressionable and a charismatic, manipulative person can do true damage. I have definitely seen it in the counseling community. I just pray that he does have time to reflect back and make sense of his life in a way that reconnects you all.

[mom of 2 boys]

On 6/12/2017 at 6:28 PM, mom@shiloh said:

One of my adult kids has stopped speaking to me and I have no idea why.  This has been going on for about six months.  At first, she just politely refused invitations. When I asked why, she said we'd talk about it sometime. Oookay.  Now she will not respond to any emails or texts, although she will respond to others on Facebook.  It's not just me either, she will respond to some of her siblings, but not to others.  I'm hesitant to speak to any of my other kids about it because I'd prefer dealing with her directly, which seems like the grown-up thing to do.  (I should have typed that in all caps since I'm shouting it in my head.) 🙂

 

Honestly, I have very little patience with this type of passive/aggressive middle school behavior.  I feel like if there's a legitimate offense, it should be brought forward and discussed.  If there's not a legitimate offense, let it go and move on. 

 

I'm really kind of depressed about this.  What does the Hive think?  Should I keep trying to get a response from her or just wait it out?

Hi there. I don’t know if you will ever see this. I know this is an old thread. I just wanted to let you know that I am the one who posted this unkind comment to you, years ago “You have called her a middle schooler, passive aggressive, not a grown up and stated that you have very little patience for her. The answer to your problem is right in your question. She can't talk to you because you will belittle her instead of trying to understand. I'd suggest you let her be while you focus on improving your own habits of relating for awhile, and when she perceives a difference in you, she may slowly start to test the waters of a relationship again” 

I just wanted to let you know that it has bothered me ever since I posted this, that I was unkind and unloving towards you. I even stopped frequenting this website because of it. This situation with your family was really none of my business to stick my nose and opinion into, and I do sincerely apologize to you and to anyone else that I upset on this board. If it helps, The truth is that I believe I was projecting my own problems onto you and your situation. I really am sorry, and I do hope that things have worked out for you and your family. 

[Catwoman]

I was just about to post ZOMBIE THREAD on this thread and then I recognized your name and read your post, and I have to say I am so touched by the fact that, after all this time, you not only wanted to apologize to @mom@shiloh, but that you took the time to find this old thread and post publicly instead of just sending her a PM. 

That was very kind of you. 🙂 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

I was just about to post ZOMBIE THREAD on this thread and then I recognized your name and read your post, and I have to say I am so touched by the fact that, after all this time, you not only wanted to apologize to @mom@shiloh, but that you took the time to find this old thread and post publicly instead of just sending her a PM. 

That was very kind of you. 🙂 

I agree.  ❤️

 

[Guest]

Very classy. I agree with Cat. 💜

[Scarlett]

42 minutes ago, mom of 2 boys said:

Hi there. I don’t know if you will ever see this. I know this is an old thread. I just wanted to let you know that I am the one who posted this unkind comment to you, years ago “You have called her a middle schooler, passive aggressive, not a grown up and stated that you have very little patience for her. The answer to your problem is right in your question. She can't talk to you because you will belittle her instead of trying to understand. I'd suggest you let her be while you focus on improving your own habits of relating for awhile, and when she perceives a difference in you, she may slowly start to test the waters of a relationship again” 

I just wanted to let you know that it has bothered me ever since I posted this, that I was unkind and unloving towards you. I even stopped frequenting this website because of it. This situation with your family was really none of my business to stick my nose and opinion into, and I do sincerely apologize to you and to anyone else that I upset on this board. If it helps, The truth is that I believe I was projecting my own problems onto you and your situation. I really am sorry, and I do hope that things have worked out for you and your family. 

This is the best thing I've read all day.  

I wonder if the OP's daughter is speaking to her now.

[DawnM]

Very nice of you to come back and respond again.

OP, I hope things are going better for you.

[fairfarmhand]

Good for @mom of 2 boys for trying to make this right, even though a lot of time has passed. 

[mommyoffive]

Mom of 2 boys, that was really nice to do!

[KathyBC]

10 hours ago, mom of 2 boys said:

Hi there. I don’t know if you will ever see this. I know this is an old thread. I just wanted to let you know that I am the one who posted this unkind comment to you, years ago “You have called her a middle schooler, passive aggressive, not a grown up and stated that you have very little patience for her. The answer to your problem is right in your question. She can't talk to you because you will belittle her instead of trying to understand. I'd suggest you let her be while you focus on improving your own habits of relating for awhile, and when she perceives a difference in you, she may slowly start to test the waters of a relationship again” 

I just wanted to let you know that it has bothered me ever since I posted this, that I was unkind and unloving towards you. I even stopped frequenting this website because of it. This situation with your family was really none of my business to stick my nose and opinion into, and I do sincerely apologize to you and to anyone else that I upset on this board. If it helps, The truth is that I believe I was projecting my own problems onto you and your situation. I really am sorry, and I do hope that things have worked out for you and your family. 

I can relate. I can think of times I wish I had written less or nothing, and times I wish I had posted instead of keeping quiet. Funny how it can stay in our minds for so long.

Your apology is inspiring. Well done.

[Halftime Hope]

On 6/12/2017 at 8:19 PM, MedicMom said:

We have the same situation going on in my family. This sister isnt really speaking to anyone, and won't even give us her new address. It started when she went through some "Healing Journey" through her church. The most anyone can get out of her is she now believes our parents were toxic and abusive---none of which is true.

 

It's very very hard, especially if you've been a close knit family.

Yes, btdt. I'm so sorry! 

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

If @mom@shiloh wants to respond to @momof2boys, a private message would be a bit more, well, private.