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mom@shiloh

One of my adult kids won't speak to me

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One of my adult kids has stopped speaking to me and I have no idea why.  This has been going on for about six months.  At first, she just politely refused invitations. When I asked why, she said we'd talk about it sometime. Oookay.  Now she will not respond to any emails or texts, although she will respond to others on Facebook.  It's not just me either, she will respond to some of her siblings, but not to others.  I'm hesitant to speak to any of my other kids about it because I'd prefer dealing with her directly, which seems like the grown-up thing to do.  (I should have typed that in all caps since I'm shouting it in my head.)  :)

 

Honestly, I have very little patience with this type of passive/aggressive middle school behavior.  I feel like if there's a legitimate offense, it should be brought forward and discussed.  If there's not a legitimate offense, let it go and move on. 

 

I'm really kind of depressed about this.  What does the Hive think?  Should I keep trying to get a response from her or just wait it out?

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This would cheese me off too. Does she want you to pull this when she is expecting her first child and needs your support???? There is no reason to not speak up and say what's bothering you. 

 

I might give her one "fair warning", verbally, on the phone, so she doesn't misconstrue it and then not discuss it again. My guess is that since it involves some siblings and not others it has to do with politics in some way... but my own reality may be coloring that. My mother has been known not to talk to us kids when we endorse the "wrong" candidate. 

 

You are right, it is middle school behavior. If she wants to act like this as an "adult" she is going to be disappointed with the overall quality of her life. I personally would wait it out. I might not be inclined to talk when she feels like it. I had some issues with my oldest when she was 25. When I was 25 I was taking care of her. I had no patience for her selfishness. The space I gave her turned out to be really good for her. She really grew up a lot. The growing up part was not going to be done for my benefit, evidently, she had to do it for herself. Which is fair. You can only really grow when you do it for yourself. 

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Is this a family pattern? If your family has a history of this sort of thing, then it's a tough nut to crack, and I'd suggest trying counseling personally first, and then, with guidance, inviting your daughter to join you in some sessions if the therapist isn't able to coach you through cracking the barrier without direct assistance.

 

I've found a lot of families have this sort of pattern where various aunts and uncles and parents and kids just don't talk for extended periods, with no explanation, just freezing out, well, they tend to repeat and repeat through generations.

 

I think you are VERY smart not to involve your other children in the drama. 

 

If this is an out-of-left-field-our-family-never-does-this, then I'd be very freaked out. I'd definitely reach out, show up in person if required, and beg to talk it out. I couldn't bear to be separated from my kid like that, and I'd do anything I could to make it right. 

 

I'd certainly be sending texts and pics and happy messages at least every few days. If I couldn't make real contact within a few weeks, I'd be flipping out. I sure hope I never have to face that! It must break your momma-heart!  

 

Once you figure out the problem(s), then you can figure out the solution(s), but you've got to get talking first. 

 

Figuring out how to relate to my kids as adults is a HUGE transition for me, and much harder than parenting littles was. As I told my son last week when he turned 18, we're in this TOGETHER now, and we are responsible together, as partners, for our relationship. We EACH have to evolve, and, frankly, I think that's probably a LOT harder for us moms than for the kids. They are naturally growing into adults . . . we have to let go of our babes and embrace our grown up kids . . . and then they can embrace us back . . . I'm not the boss anymore . . . That's a good thing, but it's a steep learning curve!

 

I hope you find harmony with your kid!  (((hugs)))

 

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I would take a different approach.

 

My response is colored by the fact that I do not have contact with my own mother and I have told my own children that they do not owe me a relationship after they are grown.

 

Lately, I've been thinking about how independent I was at 20 and how happy I was just to have my own adult life. I think it is really appropriate for adult children to want to break away. I don't blame them for that. I want to make it as easy and enjoyable as possible for them to come back to me when they are ready.

 

So I'm the OP's situation, I would email my child and say that I love her and I'm so proud of the adult she has become. If she needs space, it is hers without question. If she wants closeness, it is hers without explaination. Just know that mom is always here loving her and trusting her.

 

It doesn't matter to me if she is being immature. That is kind of the definition of a young adult.

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Is this the same daughter  you keep posting about? 

You may be confusing me with someone else.  I don't post much, and don't think I've posted about her before.

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It probably depends on your overall family dynamics.  My oldest ds has gone for long periods of time without contacting me since he was in his teens (he's almost 43yo now).  And I don't contact him that much either anyway.  I never push it.  He will usually answer his phone if I call.  And I could probably go by and see him and his wife if I happened to be in that part of the country.  But we're not very close anyway, so I rarely do.  

 

He also rarely contacts our 5 other kids either.  They're not close.  However, one is moving near him, so she might end up spending more time with ds and his wife.  Dd seems to think dil is 'funny' and enjoys her company at the moment.  And I'm glad dd will have someone nearby.

 

I guess if I was that depressed about it, I'd do everything I could think to do about it and then let it go, knowing I'd done my best and the ball was in her court now.

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Definitely NOT a family pattern.  We're all pretty easy going and we don't really have incidents like this where we don't speak to someone.  Talk it out, let it go, move on is more the family pattern.

 

Also, she's in her mid 30's, so kind of beyond the young adult new independence stage.  

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I'm closer, probably, to your daughter's age, and I have a generally good relationship with my mom. I'm answering from the perspective of, if something made me stop talking to my mom, what would be helpful?

I can imagine two scenarios: one, I'm working through something that really has nothing to do with my mom, but it will be harder in some way if she is giving her input, even if it is great input. Two: There was some upset a long while back and I need space from my mom, and the longer we are apart, the easier it is to be apart and the more awkward it is to reunite.

In either condition the most helpful thing would be for my mom to keep inviting me to family get togethers, keep contacting me from time to timejust to say hi, and to basically relax about the whole thing. When talking to my sibling, don't try to pry for info, just mention, "if you talk to your sister, say hello for me."

All stages of life have their difficulties. Young adults have to figure out how to establish their own lives, balancing their family of origin with the person they are becoming. She may not be handling it very well, but try to view it as the same kind of problem as a the year old having to learn to use words instead of winning. It's an annoying problem, and a real problem, but not an age-inappropriate one and not one likely to last forever, especially if you allow her to save face, rejoining family activities without explanation unless she offers one.

Don't let her use silence to manipulate you, but also don't assume she's trying to. And though it's easier to say than do, try not to take it personally.

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I would probably do what somebody else said and just let her know that I love her and will always be there for her. In my circumstances, I would be freaking out, as well :/

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this :grouphug:

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My sister does this sort of thong from time to time.  In some cases (like with my dad) she seems to feel that he darn well ought to know what the issue is without her saying - the fact that he says he doesn't actually seems to enrage her.

 

With a few other more distant relatives she just seems to think they aren't worth the headach or negativity. 

 

Anyway, I don't know if those are going to be useful examples or not.  I think I might come right out and say your daughter owes you an explanation, even if she does not want contact more generally.  I might also ask one of the siblings but I'd be very careful to keep it neutral and not put them in the middle of things, or press if they don't want to say.

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A year ago, we had a good relationship.  She had to make an emergency move out of her apartment and I dropped everything and spent two days helping her.  It would just be nice to have some idea of what's bothering her.

 

It's hard to not take it personally when I see her on Facebook, responding cheerfully to other people, but refusing to speak to me or to respond to my emails or texts.

 

Thanks for all of your responses though.  I haven't really told that many people irl, so it's nice to vent a bit here.

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I avoid my parents when I have certain stuff going on, for many different reasons ....I can't confide in them because they worry so much, it's easier to shine them on than get into it,they nag me and really p*** me off because I have to placate them and that adds more stress to the situation I'm dealing with, sometimes it's just to hurty, or I've messed up and don't want to hear I told you so.

 

My oldest has done this. It hurts and it's sucky.

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I don't think you need to pester her about this (or anything else). To use your words, it's a bit "middle school" for you to feel like you need to be answered on your terms and in your timing.

 

As a grown up, she has an emotional life that is entirely her own business. When/if she feels like talking to you about her feelings, she will do so. If she'd rather not -- that's not a childish choice; it's a normal choice. People are allowed to be bothered and not talk about it. Talking about feelings just because you have feelings is not manditory. (Thank God!)

 

Information about her feelings is not something you are entitled to, so you might just have to handle your own feeling of curiosity without the satisfaction that information would give you.

 

I think polite small talk and a veneer of good manners is a reasonable expectation -- but nothing beyond that until (or unless) she is ready. She already knows you are politely open to talk about 'it' whenever she would like. I'm thinking that if you can otherwise carry on a normal light conversational relationship, she may start 'talking to you' again about safe, light, brief topics.

 

In my opinion, this sort of thing is only "passive aggressive" (or "behaviour" of any kind) if you think you are being manipulated -- if you believe she wants something and thinks this is a way to get it. On the other hand, if you are not being manipulated, if all she wants is to be left alone (or to be treated kindly-but-casually) you are just two adults minding their own business. You can do that: right? (If you can't, that may be part of the problem.)

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If you had a great relationship a year ago and nothing major happened, just keep the lines of communication open and keep the pressure off, as much as possible. Don't press for an apology any time soon, and one will likely be freely given well down the road. Like her face book posts that you like, make short funny comments when you normally would, and don't take it personally if there is no response. I'm not excusing her behavior, and you don't need to either, but assigning blame doesn't help the relationship.

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You may be confusing me with someone else.  I don't post much, and don't think I've posted about her before.

 

I'm sorry.  I  must have confused your username with another one. 

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Is she possibly in an abusive relationship? Severely depressed?

 

I've had times when I needed space from my mother, but it was due to choices of hers from my childhood and beyond.

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I don't think you need to pester her about this (or anything else). To use your words, it's a bit "middle school" for you to feel like you need to be answered on your terms and in your timing.

 

As a grown up, she has an emotional life that is entirely her own business. When/if she feels like talking to you about her feelings, she will do so. If she'd rather not -- that's not a childish choice; it's a normal choice. People are allowed to be bothered and not talk about it. Talking about feelings just because you have feelings is not manditory. (Thank God!)

 

Information about her feelings is not something you are entitled to, so you might just have to handle your own feeling of curiosity without the satisfaction that information would give you.

 

I think polite small talk and a veneer of good manners is a reasonable expectation -- but nothing beyond that until (or unless) she is ready. She already knows you are politely open to talk about 'it' whenever she would like. I'm thinking that if you can otherwise carry on a normal light conversational relationship, she may start 'talking to you' again about safe, light, brief topics.

 

In my opinion, this sort of thing is only "passive aggressive" (or "behaviour" of any kind) if you think you are being manipulated -- if you believe she wants something and thinks this is a way to get it. On the other hand, if you are not being manipulated, if all she wants is to be left alone (or to be treated kindly-but-casually) you are just two adults minding their own business. You can do that: right? (If you can't, that may be part of the problem.)

 

Except - it doesn't sound like th mom is asking about her feelings or anything like that.  The daughter won't even engage in small talk.  That is what is making the OP think maybe she needs to ask her what is going on.

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You have called her a middle schooler, passive aggressive, not a grown up and stated that you have very little patience for her. The answer to your problem is right in your question. She can't talk to you because you will belittle her instead of trying to understand. I'd suggest you let her be while you focus on improving your own habits of relating for awhile, and when she perceives a difference in you, she may slowly start to test the waters of a relationship again.

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As this is out of character, I would continue to reach out to her.  Notes and cards by mail, nothing heavy, just 'thinking of you" or "missing you".  Light reminders the porch light is on.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

 

 

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Except - it doesn't sound like th mom is asking about her feelings or anything like that. The daughter won't even engage in small talk. That is what is making the OP think maybe she needs to ask her what is going on.

The mom already asked for an explaination, and that was when the dd's small talk dried up. That's kinda why I think the dd may return to the small talk if she gets enough indicators that mom is ok with not having a significant conversation about 'it'.

 

In any case, continued attempts at casual small talk aren't likely to do more harm. Asking (again) what is going on is a problem because it's repetitive, which makes it seem demanding. It will add unwanted stress when respect and space seem to be what's wanted.

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You have called her a middle schooler, passive aggressive, not a grown up and stated that you have very little patience for her. The answer to your problem is right in your question. She can't talk to you because you will belittle her instead of trying to understand. I'd suggest you let her be while you focus on improving your own habits of relating for awhile, and when she perceives a difference in you, she may slowly start to test the waters of a relationship again.

What??? Seriously? My god there's a lot of judgement and assumptions going on in this relatively benign thread.

 

Just because op is venting here does not automatically mean that she's belittling towards her daughter. Geez. I guess there's yet another reason why I don't post personal stuff on public forums.

 

OP, I have no advice and nobody here can really give you much because there's so much to the situation that we can't possibly know. But I'm sorry you and your daughter are struggling and I wish you the best.

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We have the same situation going on in my family. This sister isnt really speaking to anyone, and won't even give us her new address. It started when she went through some "Healing Journey" through her church. The most anyone can get out of her is she now believes our parents were toxic and abusive---none of which is true.

 

It's very very hard, especially if you've been a close knit family.

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What??? Seriously? My god there's a lot of judgement and assumptions going on in this relatively benign thread.

 

Just because op is venting here does not automatically mean that she's belittling towards her daughter. Geez. I guess there's yet another reason why I don't post personal stuff on public forums.

 

OP, I have no advice and nobody here can really give you much because there's so much to the situation that we can't possibly know. But I'm sorry you and your daughter are struggling and I wish you the best.

Thank you!!

 

Apparently people do not understand the concept of venting.  And apparently, this is not the supportive place I thought it should be.

 

There are many details that I haven't shared including her explosions at other family members, her string of broken relationships, her playing siblings off against each other etc.  She won't talk to one sister now because she had an unexpected pregnancy (she is married) at an inconvenient time.  

 

You could probably just have given me the benefit of the doubt when I say that her behavior is immature instead of lecturing me on improving my relationship skills.  

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Thank you!!

 

Apparently people do not understand the concept of venting. And apparently, this is not the supportive place I thought it should be.

 

There are many details that I haven't shared including her explosions at other family members, her string of broken relationships, her playing siblings off against each other etc. She won't talk to one sister now because she had an unexpected pregnancy (she is married) at an inconvenient time.

 

You could probably just have given me the benefit of the doubt when I say that her behavior is immature instead of lecturing me on improving my relationship skills.

Hmmm. You may want to research borderline personality disorder to see if it rings bells.

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You have called her a middle schooler, passive aggressive, not a grown up and stated that you have very little patience for her. The answer to your problem is right in your question. She can't talk to you because you will belittle her instead of trying to understand. I'd suggest you let her be while you focus on improving your own habits of relating for awhile, and when she perceives a difference in you, she may slowly start to test the waters of a relationship again.

Ouch. Very unnecessary.

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Sounds like she doesn't want to speak to you. She probably has her reasons. We're certainly not in a position to judge whether those reasons are good or not - the fact is, they don't have to be good reasons. When somebody doesn't want to speak to you, the mature and adult thing to do is to respect their wishes. Send her polite birthday and Christmas cards, keeping your commentary restricted to "Best wishes!", and let it drop. Either she will change her mind, or she won't. You can't change it for her.

 

Honestly, I have very little patience with this type of passive/aggressive middle school behavior. I feel like if there's a legitimate offense, it should be brought forward and discussed. If there's not a legitimate offense, let it go and move on.

 

Okay, well, your daughter doesn't feel that way. You can't make her agree with you. And pushing on this issue isn't going to bring her closer.

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Thank you!!

 

Apparently people do not understand the concept of venting.  And apparently, this is not the supportive place I thought it should be.

 

There are many details that I haven't shared including her explosions at other family members, her string of broken relationships, her playing siblings off against each other etc.  She won't talk to one sister now because she had an unexpected pregnancy (she is married) at an inconvenient time.  

 

You could probably just have given me the benefit of the doubt when I say that her behavior is immature instead of lecturing me on improving my relationship skills.  

 

Seems to me more mental health issues / personality disorder, rather than being simply immature (for someone in mid-thirties.)

 

Are you worried the reason she is avoiding you is her deteriorating mental health? Substancce abuse? In this case, I would talk to the siblings that are still in contact with her, to see if she needs more support and what kind.

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I think it's very easy to say that mom@shiloh should just accept it that her dd suddenly stopped wanting to have anything to do with her, but I know that if it happened to me, I would be devastated and very worried about my child. I would want to clear the air and find out what was going on.

 

I know most of you will disagree with me about this, but I don't see anything wrong with mom@shiloh asking her other kids how their sister is doing and asking them if they know what's happening. I'm not saying she should ask anyone to take sides, or that she should force the issue if her other kids don't want to get involved, but maybe they are hoping she will ask them about this, so they can feel free to tell her what they know about the situation, especially if they are a family that normally talks things out. Also, one of the kids might want to contact their sister to ask her why she won't communicate with their mom.

 

This dd may be an adult, but she will always be mom@shiloh's dd, and I totally understand why mom@shiloh is so upset.

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^^ I'll apologize for my reaction, then.  I (maybe others?) have to deal with a situation where things just aren't quite equal, where just a little too much weight has been thrown around for just a little too long, and just a few too many mixed signals have been sent and unsolicited advice offered--some things just are not discussed.  The things that I don't want to discuss aren't even hinted at, because I know I would be pestered.  I'm sorry many of us evidently misinterpreted the dynamic here.  :(  I do hope things are ok, and work out.

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I am really sorry this is happening. You must be heartbroken :( You have done all you can at this point as the ball is in her court. I cannot imagine as I see my adult children weekly and text with them regularly as I do my own mother. I hope she comes around to discuss what the issue is at some point.

 

I have a stepfather and his daughter walked away from him at 18 and has never looked back. That was 15 years ago and she has not spoken to him since. He has even seen her at functions and she refuses to acknowledge him. He has zero idea of why this is. I cannot make sense of it either. Sometimes things don't make sense. Sometimes we offend without realizing and sometimes people do not have the courage to face what they are disgruntled about.

 

I would give her space. Tell her you love her, tell her that you hope she calls or comes by to discuss it with you at some point and then you will have to let it go. No, don't talk to siblings about it. If they feel at some point you need to know something then they will tell you but it could divide your family even more. I am so so sorry :(

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There are many details that I haven't shared including her explosions at other family members, her string of broken relationships, her playing siblings off against each other etc.  She won't talk to one sister now because she had an unexpected pregnancy (she is married) at an inconvenient time.  

 

You could probably just have given me the benefit of the doubt when I say that her behavior is immature instead of lecturing me on improving my relationship skills.  

 

If she's like that, what you did or didn't do right probably isn't based on a code of reasonable people's expectations.

 

:grouphug:

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I think it's very easy to say that mom@shiloh should just accept it that her dd suddenly stopped wanting to have anything to do with her, but I know that if it happened to me, I would be devastated and very worried about my child. I would want to clear the air and find out what was going on.

 

It's okay to have those feelings. However, there is no action she can take that will "clear the air". Her daughter is the one who has to choose to talk to her - something she's not likely to do if her mother harasses her. And if things have progressed to the point where her daughter is going no contact, then ANY communication on this issue is going to be seen as harassment.


I know most of you will disagree with me about this, but I don't see anything wrong with her asking her other kids how their sister is doing and asking them if they know what's happening. I'm not saying she should ask anyone to take sides, or that she should force the issue if her other kids don't want to get involved, but maybe they are hoping she will ask them about this, so they can feel free to tell her what they know about the situation, especially if they are a family that normally talks things out. Also, one of the kids might want to contact their sister to ask her why she won't communicate with their mom.

 

It might not be morally wrong, but the effect is going to be to drive her daughter further away from not just mom, but her siblings.

 

This dd may be an adult, but she will always be the OP's dd, and I totally understand why she is so upset.

 

Sure, we all understand why she's upset, especially if everything is exactly as she said and this estrangement came out of nowhere.

 

But being upset doesn't mean that the actions you take based on those feelings will get you the results you want.

Edited by Tanaqui
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I think it's very easy to say that [email protected]<script data-cfhash='f9e31' type="text/javascript">/* */</script> should just accept it that her dd suddenly stopped wanting to have anything to do with her, but I know that if it happened to me, I would be devastated and very worried about my child. I would want to clear the air and find out what was going on.

 

I know most of you will disagree with me about this, but I don't see anything wrong with [email protected]asking her other kids how their sister is doing and asking them if they know what's happening. I'm not saying she should ask anyone to take sides, or that she should force the issue if her other kids don't want to get involved, but maybe they are hoping she will ask them about this, so they can feel free to tell her what they know about the situation, especially if they are a family that normally talks things out. Also, one of the kids might want to contact their sister to ask her why she won't communicate with their mom.

 

This dd may be an adult, but she will always be [email protected]'s dd, and I totally understand why [email protected]is so upset.

 

I would be heartbroken if one of my kids stopped speaking to me. And I would ask my other one to at least let me know that sibling is okay.

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Once I was avoiding my sister. She hadn't done anything, but I was going through a difficult time concerning something that was unrelated to her. I knew I couldn't talk to her without her knowing that something was wrong, but I also knew that her advice would not be what I needed during the crisis.

 

She respected me enough to give me space. When I did tell her, later, she said,"I knew something was going on. I'm very relieved that you were not upset with me like I was afraid you might be."

 

I go through this often with the alcoholic brother I raised. He goes MIA. I know this means he is not doing well. Sometimes he sees or talks to other siblings when he is avoiding me. The reason is because he is more ashamed of letting me down, more afraid of disappointing me.

 

When he comes back, he always says, "I know I owe you an explaination." I always reply, "I know you don't owe me anything."

 

I haven't seen my own son in almost a year now. It is such a Cat's-In-the-Cradle cliche. He is busy with his job and starting a business and being a grown up. He wants to visit soon, but I tell him that he is doing exactly what he needs to do and to never feel guilty about doing it.

 

My oldest was in college across the country last year. I had been with her almost 24 hours a day for 20 years. It was not easy for me. Fall semester, she only texted me a couple of times, didn't call at all and didn't come home until Christmas. I gave her space. I was surprised that by Spring semester, she was texting to check in every morning and often several times a day.

 

We can not force people to have relationships with us. We can not force people to share their feelings.

 

There are some relationships that mean the world to me and that I want to protect at all cost so I give my loved ones the space to be their own people and permission to make their own choices.

 

I can't control them, so I focus on what I can control, my own behavior and I try to be the kind of person they start to miss. I try to be the kind of person they want to come home to...in their own sweet time.

Edited by amy g.
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I don't have advice, just  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: . The judgment towards you in this thread is ridiculous. My heart would be broken. Praying that this will all be sorted out soon.

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You have called her a middle schooler, passive aggressive, not a grown up and stated that you have very little patience for her. The answer to your problem is right in your question. She can't talk to you because you will belittle her instead of trying to understand. I'd suggest you let her be while you focus on improving your own habits of relating for awhile, and when she perceives a difference in you, she may slowly start to test the waters of a relationship again.

Wow. This is cruel. I believe OP is just venting to a forum she hopes will lend support. She is probably hurting and feeling confused and frustrated. She did not say at any time that she said these words to her daughter. Sometimes parents do everything right and give their children the world and yet these things happen. It could he mental health issues or due to something else. I would hold off such severe judgment since you do not know this family or have any facts.

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We have the same situation going on in my family. This sister isnt really speaking to anyone, and won't even give us her new address. It started when she went through some "Healing Journey" through her church. The most anyone can get out of her is she now believes our parents were toxic and abusive---none of which is true.

 

It's very very hard, especially if you've been a close knit family.

Something like this happened in a good friend's family. My friend's older sister got counseling regarding overeating. The "therapist" did some kind of hypnotic therapy and convinced my friend that that she had "recovered memories" of serious abuse. The siblings in the family had a intervention with her after a year or so of not talking to anyone in the family and made her realize that there were six kids in a 1500 square foot three bedroom one bathroom house. There was no way she had been subjected to the abuse she "remembered" without other siblings knowing SOMETHING about it. But it took a long time to convince her. 

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Wow. This is cruel. I believe OP is just venting to a forum she hopes will lend support. She is probably hurting and feeling confused and frustrated. She did not say at any time that she said these words to her daughter. Sometimes parents do everything right and give their children the world and yet these things happen. It could he mental health issues or due to something else. I would hold off such severe judgment since you do not know this family or have any facts.

But she IS saying them ABOUT her daughter on a public forum. Plenty of us have incredibly difficult family dynamics situations involving our child's substance abuse, mental health issues, abuse, neglect, etc. and we don't call our adult children, even those with the most challenging behaviors and attitudes, "middle school", not a grown up, and passive aggressive.

 

We can talk about our intense feelings of concern, loss, hurt, anxiety, frustration, confusion, anger and pain without condemning someone else, especially our children. We've seen plenty of cases of mature venting here at the boards, so don't mistake people reacting negatively to her name calling for reacting negatively to her pain. Those are two different things, and yes, it is realistic to expect adults to be able to articulate severe emotional pain without personal attacks against their kids.  It's done by focusing on the problem behaviors and the situation, not by condemning the individual.

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Many of you ride such high horses. I hope you have plans for when you fall.

 

In support of OP, I did not take her words as name calling or character bashing. I took it to be a description of behavior, of which none of us are privy to, that her daughter is displaying.

 

I think it's time for me to take a break and I'm not even the OP!

 

I'm sorry for the way you're being treated here mom@shiloh. Really it's dispicable.

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 In support of OP, I did not take her words as name calling or character bashing. I took it to be a description of behavior, of which none of us are privy to, that her daughter is displaying.

 

You can describe another person's behavior without insulting it. In fact, she had already described it - her daughter doesn't want to speak to her. People aren't reacting to her description of the behavior, they're reacting to her stated opinion of the sort of person who does this. This can be hard to read if you have had to go no contact with your own parents, or if you have friends who have had to make that choice.

 

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Guest

This is a societal phenomenon:

 

http://www.rejectedparents.net/mother-and-son-two-new-books/

 

and not an indication that you failed Parenting 101. Your child may come back to you or s/he may not. Some of my other favourite blog posts by this author/activist are:

 

http://www.rejectedparents.net/how-to-cope-when-your-adult-child-cuts-you-out-of-their-life/

 

and:

 

http://www.rejectedparents.net/grown-childs-rejection-the-boat/

 

My daughter and I went through it too and we came out on the other side. The early twenties are rough. I don't know how old your kiddo is but mine is closer to 30 than high school graduation age. We're besties now but that sure wasn't the case for most of her teens and twenties.

 

This might not be the best place to vent about more intense grown kid issues. I am so sorry that you are going through this too.

Edited by Guest
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Thank you!!

 

Apparently people do not understand the concept of venting.  And apparently, this is not the supportive place I thought it should be.

 

There are many details that I haven't shared including her explosions at other family members, her string of broken relationships, her playing siblings off against each other etc.  She won't talk to one sister now because she had an unexpected pregnancy (she is married) at an inconvenient time.  

 

You could probably just have given me the benefit of the doubt when I say that her behavior is immature instead of lecturing me on improving my relationship skills.  

  

 

:grouphug:

 

I have gotten beaten up by some on this board on occasion as well.  MOST are supportive.  

 

I have a child who currently isn't speaking to me and he lives in my house!  But he does have ASD and depression and after walking on egg shells for a very long time, I blew it on Sunday.  He won't even allow me to apologize.  BUT, I also know, it wasn't entirely my fault, as much as he would like to blame me.  

 

I am praying that at some point he will come around, and I will pray that for your daughter as well.  

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But she IS saying them ABOUT her daughter on a public forum. Plenty of us have incredibly difficult family dynamics situations involving our child's substance abuse, mental health issues, abuse, neglect, etc. and we don't call our adult children, even those with the most challenging behaviors and attitudes, "middle school", not a grown up, and passive aggressive.

 

We can talk about our intense feelings of concern, loss, hurt, anxiety, frustration, confusion, anger and pain without condemning someone else, especially our children. We've seen plenty of cases of mature venting here at the boards, so don't mistake people reacting negatively to her name calling for reacting negatively to her pain. Those are two different things, and yes, it is realistic to expect adults to be able to articulate severe emotional pain without personal attacks against their kids.  It's done by focusing on the problem behaviors and the situation, not by condemning the individual.

 

Yes, but sometimes we still vent this way.   My son is 19 and DOES sometimes act like a middle schooler.  In fact, he is 3-4 years behind neuro-typical 19 year olds in terms of maturity, emotions, and mentally.   He isn't a grown up (cognitively), and he is currently being passive-aggressive.

 

And maybe the OP's daughter does have a personality disorder.  

 

There may have been better word choices on the part of the OP, but I think there are better word choices that could be made on the parts of some of the responses as well.

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I'm gobsmacked by some of the responses in this thread. Mom@shiloh, I'm sorry you're hurting. It must be very painful to have a child that you created, raised, and nurtured turn her back on you and all you've done. I have no wisdom to share, but I just wanted to offer support, seeing how it's not being handed out too freely to you.

Edited by Kinsa
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Hugs to you mom@shiloh. No judgment here. I have three adult kids. Having adult kids can be difficult. I have the best parents ever, but I was kind of a stinker to them in my early adulthood. They had every right to have negative feelings toward me. They are now two of my best friends. One of my kids is harder to deal with than the other two. Life ain't pretty sometimes.

 

I think you should have every right to vent here, just like so many other people do. I wish you the best.

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I am so sorry about your dd not talking to you.

 

Have you joined the Parents of Adult Children group? You may get more support posting in that group.

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