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Is this rude to ask?


DesertBlossom
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I think it's in the context, as with most of these is-this-rude-or-not types of questions.

 

Many people in my town are from somewhere else originally. It's not rude to ask in conversation if they grew up here or if they've lived in the area long. Usually it's part of the flow of conversation and it comes up pretty quickly. However, asking someone if they are "from away" has a different tone. Here that means, "you don't belong if your family doesn't go back several generations in this region". That would be rude. We were on that wrong side of that question many, many times where we used to live and learned quickly that it's very different from an actual interest in someone's experiences. Same goes for randomly asking due to accent or appearance. That would seem to send a "from away" vibe, setting a person apart rather than including them in genuine interest.

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My mom got asked all.the.time when I was growing up and she hated it. I don't know if random people still inquire like they used to, but yes, she found it rude and offensive. She would wearily answer "up the street" or name our town, even though her accent gave her away as being an immigrant.

 

It would never occur to me to ask, unless I was getting to know someone as a new friend, or if it came up in conversation. But a stranger? Why should it be any of my business?

 

Yes.  As part of getting to know a new friend it isn't rude.  But just because someone is curious about something does not necessarily give them the right to the information.  So random stranger doesn't really have a right to know my ethnicity or where I grew up etc.  But if I have already established some common ground with someone and we're at the stage where we're starting to talk about our backgrounds, then I think it might naturally come up without it even having to be specifically asked. 

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I have no qualms about asking a person with an accent where they are from. I ask "Where are you from originally? I'm from Germany".

 

Also, we're all (descendents of) immigrants. Your folks may have come a few generations earlier, but unless you're native American, you're family is originally from somewhere else. I fail to see what is rude about asking where somebody's family is from originally.

 

 

Just within the past few weeks, I have chatted in French with a man from Strasbourg and a woman from Algeria, in German with a woman from Kassel, and in Spanish with a grandma from Guanajuato. I would have missed these chances to practice speaking these fun languages had I not asked these people where they are from. In my experience, most people don't mind being asked where they are from, if it is done as most of us do, with a genuine curiosity. A great opportunity to learn about interesting places such as Afghanistan, Armenia, Iraq, Nigeria, etc. My supervisor at the library is Indian by way of Fiji (where Asian relatives of mine live); other library employees are from Ukraine, Greece, India, Mexico, etc. and I've learned a ton from them (I'm embarrassed to say I had never heard of Telugu ...).

 

Perhaps it helps that the area where I live is roughly 1/3 white, 1/3 Asian, and 1/3 Latin@, with, in addition, many South Asians and people from the Middle East. Many, many people of mixed race now. Being mixed race myself, I used to routinely get asked (usually politely, out of genuine curiosity), "Pardon me for asking, but we were wondering, what are you?"  :lol:  I never minded, if the person was polite. Occasionally people would tell me I "speak English so well"  :laugh:

 

When my husband and I are in England (several trips last year), we are constantly asked where we are from. When we say "the States," the person says, patiently, "Yes, I know, but which part?" b/c they want to talk about where they've been in the U.S. It has led to some fun conversations, after we realize our accent has given us away  :laugh: and we should start with our state or even city.

Edited by Laura in CA
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I have no qualms about asking a person with an accent where they are from. I ask "Where are you from originally? I'm from Germany".

 

Also, we're all (descendents of) immigrants. Your folks may have come a few generations earlier, but unless you're native American, you're family is originally from somewhere else. I fail to see what is rude about asking where somebody's family is from originally.

 

Some of us mutts do not find it easy to say where our family is from originally because we aren't from one place.  Which relative do I choose when I consider where I'm from originally?  And in some ways I don't totally know. 

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Personally I don't think it's rude, but I know some people say it is.  I don't see what's offensive about people being curious about one's story.  It's not like they're saying "go back where you came from."

 

And then since people are afraid to ask, people from other cultures often criticize "Americans" for being ignorant.  I've had this back-and-forth with many a foreign student.  I'm rude to ask, I'm ignorant if I don't know, I'm rude if I DO know and bring it up ....  So what is acceptable?  (Of course nowadays you can go home and google whatever you're curious about, but you're still rude if you mention it - and ignorant if you dont.  :p

 

I've been around the world, and 100% of the time, I've been asked by people in other countries where I'm from.  Therefore I vote "not rude"  I can't imagine being offended by being asked in a respectful tone, so I think the offense is manufactured.

 

I get being annoyed.  My kids used to get annoyed because 90% of the people we came across asked if they were twins.  Tiresome, but NOT rude.

 

When dh and I are in another country and are asked where we are from, we can say "The United States" or our state and we are believed and not pestered.  If I am asked in the United States, I can say my state or city and I am believed and not pestered.  If my non-white husband is asked in the United States, he will say his state or city and he is then questioned about where he "really" is from.  That is rude.  That is trying to separate him out as other.  Not one person asks me what part of Europe my ancestors were from originally (though as I said to Regentrude, I don't have a full answer for that since I'm a mutt).  But dh has to answer for his ethnicity because somehow his brown skin tone makes it everyone else's business.  I don't buy it. 

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I usually ask, "So where is your family originally from?" If I want to talk ethnicity. My kids are half European and half Ecuadorian. People have asked them if they are Greek, native Hawaiian, Italian, Puerto Rican, etc. Thise questions never bother them, but one of my girls was TICKED OFF when a Mexican girl argued with her that she couldn't call herself half Latina because South Americans aren't Latina and that was cultural appropriation. Dd was like, "Girl, the entire continent is Latin America." Some people are way too primed to be offended.

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Yes, it can be rude. This illustrates it.

 

 

I don't think it's _always_ rude. Really depends on context, tone, etc. Usually when people say it to me I figure it's because I was not born in the South and have less of a Southern accent than some of the people around me. I am half Mexican, but I think most people just think I'm a white girl with really dark hair.

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Dh is Chinese-American. Born and raised in Indianapolis. 

 

He doesn't mind the question most of the time (depending on context and tone) and usually answers it with what he knows they mean, "I'm from Indiana but my parents were from China." Or something like that. He is also the kind of person who asks borderline rude questions so I think he has a high tolerance for people asking him stuff. His chooses to operate under the assumption that they have good intentions.

 

Occasionally he answers "Indiana" and he does mind the follow up "No, where are you really from?"

Edited by Alice
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No clue? If one friend is a dentist and another is a part time dog groomer, it's probably save to assume that one has a higher income level than the other .

 

I'm not saying we value high income friends more , just , I think that the question is very much about identity and I think class is fairly integral to identity for Americans.

 

What I think some people fail to understand is those kind of "icebreaker" questions get asked ALL THE TIME in totally homogeneous settings. The "what are you?" of my youth when the answer was going to be some European ethnicity, the "what do you do?" when the answer is some sort of white collar professional occupation, etc., etc. It's only now that our society has become more diverse that innocent questions are now seen as fraught with assumed negative intent and seen as "rude".

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What I think some people fail to understand is those kind of "icebreaker" questions get asked ALL THE TIME in totally homogeneous settings. The "what are you?" of my youth when the answer was going to be some European ethnicity, the "what do you do?" when the answer is some sort of white collar professional occupation, etc., etc. It's only now that our society has become more diverse that innocent questions are now seen as fraught with assumed negative intent and seen as "rude".

 

They're not always innocent. That's the thing. That's why tone/context matter so much.

 

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Exactly. I work with the public and I asked that question of people all of the time. Usually people who are showing a willingness to chit chat...but people never seem offended by it. I get to know a lot about our customers, and the community that I live in....I am relatively new here.

 

I sometimes think some people don't want to be asked ANYTHING.

I also think some people don't want to be asked anything or are constantly looking for ways to be offended. It is hard to get to know anyone anymore. I was visiting the college I attended not long ago and noticed how segregated it is now. There were groups of Asian students together, Caucasian students, African American students...it was so odd. It was never like that when I attended and it struck me that it may not be due to racism but more due to young people being terrified of insulting someone by accident. I know I am way more worried about that now then I ever was before. It is always changing as well so it is hard to know what will or won't offend someone day to day.

 

I literally just did this today. I asked a woman working at the Goodwill if she was from Korea because I want to converse with her in Korean. She didn't seem offended but now I am worried I insulted her :(

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And if someone said to me "tell me a little about yourself" I would have no clue what to say. No idea what aspects of my life might be interesting to them. Sorry, I get your intent, but for me that would be a terrible question. I'd want to answer with "what would you like to know?" Or I'd turn it around to them. Seems awkward.

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I manage to get people to tell me all sorts of things.  As they sit in the lobby, we chat about kids, I say I have 16 and 17 year old sons. That leads to 'oh do they play football?' No they are homeschooled....and things just progress from there.  In my experience, people LIKE to talk about themselves.  Only on this board have I found people offended by questions that would have them discuss their personal life.

 

And if you have a painful thing in your life that you don't want to discuss...there are very polite ways to side step that and move on with idle chit chat.  If you immigrated to US as a child amid horrible wars from your home country and you don't like to talk about it.  Just say "I came here as a child.'  If they press why, 'better opportunities.'  Usually people  who ask such questions aren't asking for your deepest darkest secrets.  

 

 

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Maybe it's safer to say "so tell me a little bit about yourself". It sounds kind of formal but then the person can choose to talk about origin or interests or whatever appeals to them most.

 

I usually go with "what keeps you busy these days".  They can choose to talk about work, kids, church, hobbies, whatever.  Everyone is busy! I once had a guy answer: I am watching every  samarai movie.  Does that mean movie watching makes him busy? Who knows but it led to a chat about something he was interested in...  or if they are the rare not busy person, that's a conversation trigger too.

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I also think some people don't want to be asked anything or are constantly looking for ways to be offended. It is hard to get to know anyone anymore. I was visiting the college I attended not long ago and noticed how segregated it is now. There were groups of Asian students together, Caucasian students, African American students...it was so odd. It was never like that when I attended and it struck me that it may not be due to racism but more due to young people being terrified of insulting someone by accident. I know I am way more worried about that now then I ever was before. It is always changing as well so it is hard to know what will or won't offend someone day to day.

 

I literally just did this today. I asked a woman working at the Goodwill if she was from Korea because I want to converse with her in Korean. She didn't seem offended but now I am worried I insulted her :(

 

College was definitely like that when I attended 25 years ago.

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I also think some people don't want to be asked anything or are constantly looking for ways to be offended. It is hard to get to know anyone anymore. I was visiting the college I attended not long ago and noticed how segregated it is now. There were groups of Asian students together, Caucasian students, African American students...it was so odd. It was never like that when I attended and it struck me that it may not be due to racism but more due to young people being terrified of insulting someone by accident. I know I am way more worried about that now then I ever was before. It is always changing as well so it is hard to know what will or won't offend someone day to day.

 

I literally just did this today. I asked a woman working at the Goodwill if she was from Korea because I want to converse with her in Korean. She didn't seem offended but now I am worried I insulted her :(

 

Most people are not insulted if you have a common bond of some kind.  For example, people will ask me if my husband and kids are Filipino because of our name.  But it's not just anyone asking.  It's a Filipino or Filipina asking.  They are not asking because my family is a curiosity but because they want to connect.  It's the same as when I connect with someone from Japan - we have a bond due to being from the same place.  If a total stranger with no reason other than idle curiosity asks it really isn't the same thing.  (And no, I would have no problem with a white person with a tie to the Philippines or Japan asking either because again there is a reason other than "you're different and I want to peg your ethnicity" as a sort of conversational parlor game.)  This is why I don't have a problem with someone who is starting to become a friend who asks - because that burgeoning friendship is the bond even if country of origin etc isn't. 

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In the city where I live now, it is very common to be asked (at any age) where you went to school, meaning which high school. When I had just moved here after college, I assumed they were asking about college. People ask to determine your social status based on which private school your parents sent you to. They absolutely don't know what to do with someone who didn't graduate from a local school.

 

I am often asked where I am from because people hear me speaking German with my kids. Often I tell people, "It's complicated because I have lived in a lot of places." A better question would be to ask what language we are speaking. My mom is often asked where she is from just based on her accent. I don't think it's rude, usually, and often the strangers will tell us some story about someone they know who was stationed in Germany. The people who bug me are the ones who start discussing beer because I don't drink, but then again, my mom is fine with that topic.

 

Several years ago, I used to frequently end up driving behind the same truck with a "Speak English" bumper sticker. That infuriated me every time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

Ugh me too.  I always want to respond, 'speak native american!'

 

That reminds me of when my brother and I were kids (5 and 8) and pretended we were speaking Spanish in the grocery store.  I guess a fair number of people spoke Spanish and we thought we could too by just saying things that actually were gibberish.  LOL.  Still makes me laugh.

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I"m answer this question as a person that has been asked this my ENTIRE life.  A lot of the offense comes in the way someone asks, no?  If you look at me I'm most certainly not a white american. No matter what people say or think, I belong here and I am from here.  Whether asked in genuine curiosity or rudeness,  I usually answer, "Pennyslvania".  Is that what they were really asking?  Probably not.  I have no foreign accent, but people are really asking about my skin color that doesn't seem to "belong" here.  

 

A less offensive question would be, "what's your ethnicity?"  I would answer with my ethnicity and nationality, "Korean-American" because I am both.  

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My DH often uses "tell me your story". He gets all sorts of interesting replies, and it lets the person choose what to talk about. Now, it wouldn't work so well on me probably. I'd be stumped, but I'm terrible at small talk.

Me too. This is mostly a theoretical discussion for me, as I don't generally even make small talk, let alone ask strangers questions that might offend them. I usually end up saying something dumb about the weather but will try to answer questions and join in a conversation if someone starts chatting.

Edited by Word Nerd
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I also think some people don't want to be asked anything or are constantly looking for ways to be offended. It is hard to get to know anyone anymore. I was visiting the college I attended not long ago and noticed how segregated it is now. There were groups of Asian students together, Caucasian students, African American students...it was so odd. It was never like that when I attended and it struck me that it may not be due to racism but more due to young people being terrified of insulting someone by accident. I know I am way more worried about that now then I ever was before. It is always changing as well so it is hard to know what will or won't offend someone day to day.

 

I literally just did this today. I asked a woman working at the Goodwill if she was from Korea because I want to converse with her in Korean. She didn't seem offended but now I am worried I insulted her :(

 

A friend of mine moved from the US to another country a year or so ago, and she's said she found it so freeing - people would actually chat in public with strangers, ask questions and give opinions including on controversial topics without getting upset, and didn't think being asked questions somehow infringed their rights.

 

I don't think it's as bad here, either, and I'm glad.

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I don't think it's as bad here, either, and I'm glad.

We were at Vaughan Mills Mall, Ontario last year as a rest stop before flying out from Toronto Pearson International Airport. Mexican immigrants were chatting with us. They did tell us where they migrated from before asking where we were from.

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I manage to get people to tell me all sorts of things.  As they sit in the lobby, we chat about kids, I say I have 16 and 17 year old sons. That leads to 'oh do they play football?' No they are homeschooled....and things just progress from there.  In my experience, people LIKE to talk about themselves.  Only on this board have I found people offended by questions that would have them discuss their personal life.

 

 

No, not just here. Happens all the time IRL as well. Seems like these days the only safe "icebreaker" topics are the weather or the local sports team.

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I"m answer this question as a person that has been asked this my ENTIRE life. A lot of the offense comes in the way someone asks, no? If you look at me I'm most certainly not a white american. No matter what people say or think, I belong here and I am from here. Whether asked in genuine curiosity or rudeness, I usually answer, "Pennyslvania". Is that what they were really asking? Probably not. I have no foreign accent, but people are really asking about my skin color that doesn't seem to "belong" here.

 

A less offensive question would be, "what's your ethnicity?" I would answer with my ethnicity and nationality, "Korean-American" because I am both.

A lot of people have mentioned very rude ways of asking things and I can understand how that would be annoying and this thread showed me how tired people get of that since I haven't experienced it. I can understand that but what if someone actually wanted to know where you were from, you answered Pennsylvania, and they then they threw out, "Oh yeah my grandparents came up here from Pennsylvania." In other words, they were just trying to get to know you, would you still find it annoying?

 

This is the question everyone, even white Americans with no particular accent gets where I live because unless you are an Alaskan Native then it is highly unlikely that you were born here. There just weren't that many people here 40 years ago.

 

I can see how many of the aforementioned attitudes are a problem but if someone is just trying to be friendly and make small talk at a social event do you still think it an inappropriate question?

 

Genuinely curious.

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"Your people" strikes me as a very rural turn of phrase.

FWIW, I think it's old-fashioned, instead.

 

When I was growing up my grandmother (who was never a rural person) used the phrase "my people." From the context it was obvious that she meant her grandparents, great-grandparents, and other ancestors.  (Background: she was a second generation American with Irish and possibly Scottish and French-Canadian ancestry and she talked about her ancestors a lot.)

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I've wondered this too.  I love hearing people's stories, and if they have an accent, I assume they're from another country and I'm interested in hearing about it.  This happens most often with taxi drivers, for me.  It's something to chat about and I sincerely enjoy hearing about their lives.  But I've sometimes wondered if they're offended.

 

I travel a lot and lived in other countries and people have often asked me where I'm from, because obviously I have an accent.  I've never minded at all their question.

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I get asked this all the time, have my whole adult life, and I'm white with a fairly neutral American accent living near DC. I get asked multiple times a day (my job puts me in contact with lots of strangers). I have never considered it offensive. Or tied to ethnicity necessarily. I mean if it was a question of asking only people who "don't belong" (which is absurd, land of immigrants) why would I as a white woman get asked constantly?

 

I think it's a really common icebreaker without any hidden meaning.

 

Obviously if people are being rude in the phrasing/followups it could be offensive. But I don't see how the simple question "Where are you from?" is.

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I was one of the people who gave what I thought was a rude example. Someone asked my husband where "his people" were from. If they had asked "what is your ethnicity" it wouldn't have been as rude. He thought of replying that "his people were the Newcastle 'Smiths'" but instead answered politely. But it rankled. No one asked me where "my people" were from and I didn't grow up in this country. But he has brown skin and I don't. And he has no ethnic accent at all. And he grew up in this country and I didn't.

That is a question that one person will sometimes ask another in the South - mostly older people. Someone might have traveled around or lived in different places, but most people are (were?) assumed to have a place that was home in a deeper sense - a place where maybe a few generations had lived/farmed. So, "Where are her people from?" says, "I know she lives in this city now, but where are her roots?"

Edited by Danestress
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Or tied to ethnicity necessarily. I mean if it was a question of asking only people who "don't belong" (which is absurd, land of immigrants) why would I as a white woman get asked constantly?

 

I think it's a really common icebreaker without any hidden meaning.

An Asian Indian American guy married an African American lady. His wife doesn't get asked even when they are out together but he gets asked here in Silicon Valley. So the strangers basically ask the husband but not the wife who is with him. He said he was asked less in Seattle so he relocated back there. He wife was never asked. Both are American born and in their late 30s.

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Crimson Wife, what makes you think your question is "innocent"? It seems to me that if you're doing something you've been told is rude, and arguing that you have a right to do it no matter what, then you are not really innocent at all.

 

Frankly, when I read the same old usernames making the same tired arguments to defend the fact that they don't want to have to consider the consequences of their actions, I come to conclusions that I don't think you want me to make.

 

I get asked this all the time, have my whole adult life, and I'm white with a fairly neutral American accent living near DC.

 

Is DC perhaps a city (and greater metropolitan area) where most residents did not grow up there?

 

Edited by Tanaqui
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I don't think it's rude or offensive; however, I am wary when I get asked that. I have people respond in so many different ways. I have had people discuss lovely trips they or others have had there. I have had people ask me to compare the weather. I have had people go on about how they'd love to go live there and do not get why I would leave. I have had people go on to tell me at least I'm one of the "good" immigrants only based on my country of origin. I have had people demand to know why I "still" have an accent after all these years. I have had people shocked I speak English at all or so well because of how I look and being listed as 'ethnicity: other' on forms - like I've literally had hospital staff mime 'eat' and different types of food at me. I often feel opening my mouth is taking a risk and answering questions on my past is laying myself vulnerable in a way I don't like to do with people I don't know very well. This is particularly true for me because it is pretty much always followed with asking me why I immigrated here which I still can't feel comfortable answering to strangers so come up with rosy half-truths. I'd really rather not have to do that but I've little other option once they ask. 

 

I understand people are curious but really, hearing over and over "I knew I heard an accent" or "I knew you weren't ~really~ from [city that has been my home for almost my entire adult life]" from people I've just met feels like people are saying "You obviously don't belong and you need to explain yourself for my interest". I mean, as interesting as people might find my past - I didn't get a choice in where I was born or how I talk  and there is no polite way for me to say "I don't want to discuss that with you, that's personal for me and I don't know if I can trust where this is going". That's true regardless of the person asking. Some people love discussing their past and heritage, I am not one of them. When there is a polite way for me not to talk about these things maybe it won't set off so many alarm bells when people inevitable asked because I've chosen to speak. 

 

:iagree:   I lived this when I was in Norway for 4 years. It gets tiring to be constantly "on guard" or vulnerable, not sure when someone will try to start an interrogation of sorts.  Somehow, having an obvious difference, be it visible or audible, is seen in itself as an invitation by others to ask and probe you about it.  It's not.  Sometimes a little anonymity is really nice and much appreciated. 

 

I will sometimes ask people where they are from. I don't with people I've just met - it's always after I've gotten to know them. I'm not originally from this city, so I just ask, "how long have you lived here - I've been here for X years." They can freely offer more details if they choose to. 

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I see a lot of people with chips on their shoulders. Bristling at any hint that someone thinks they don't belong.

 

Sometimes people are just curious and making conversation.

But I can understand why people get sensitive when they have dealt with people using an innocent question in an aggresive way. When you have to deal with something all the time it gets old.

 

Of course, to all get along at some point you take things at face value and work to get along but it is good to think about the manner you ask people stuff too.

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But I can understand why people get sensitive when they have dealt with people using an innocent question in an aggresive way. When you have to deal with something all the time it gets old.

 

Of course, to all get along at some point you take things at face value and work to get along but it is good to think about the manner you ask people stuff too.

I understand this some. With 6 kids sometimes the questions and comments about our large family are sweet, sometimes not. And sometimes it's hard to tell what the intent is, so I word things carefully until I can tell how the conversation is going to go. But I don't automatically get annoyed by comments on my family size because often the comments are just fine. Edited by DesertBlossom
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I love to know people's stories, no matter if they were born in the town we're in right now or anywhere else in the world. But I don't ask about it directly because I know the question can be complicated or tiresome for many people (like my own children). Most of the time, the topic comes up in longer conversations when I get to know the person better. I have an Korean-American friend here whose ethnicity I know from chatting with her for a while in different settings. A few months ago, I met a woman who emigrated from the USSR to Argentina to the US. You wouldn't know just by looking at her and talking to her for five minutes that she wasn't born her her country of citizenship, but because we talked for an hour, it came up naturally in the conversation and I was able to hear her whole story. A friend of mine whose grandparents emigrated from Armenia has an Armenian first name name, so when I met her the first time, I asked if her name was Armenian and that opened up a conversation into her background.

 

In other words, if you really want to know, get to know the person and let them choose what they tell you.

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I understand this some. With 6 kids sometimes the questions and comments about our large family are sweet, sometimes not. And sometimes it's hard to tell what the intent is, so I word things carefully until I can tell how the conversation is going to go. But I don't automatically get annoyed by comments on my family size because often the comments are just fine.

 

The intent is to put a spotlight on something that is different about the other person. You do it to the cashier when you ask about where they are from.  Others do it to you with your family size. Some people don't appreciate being suddenly put under a spotlight. Sometimes they are thrust under the spotlight far too often.

Edited by wintermom
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After years of living overseas I now ask " Where is your accent from?"  Being an expat myself when I'm asked "where are you from?" I'm not sure if they mean where I was born or where I now live.  

 

Here in NZ it isn't rude to ask where are you from as knowing your whakapapa (your heritage) is very important to the Maori people.  As young children they are taught to recite their iwi (tribe), their awa (river), their manga (mountain), & their parents' names. Knowing where you are from is vital.  

 

As an expat American the only time I get annoyed being asked where I am from is if the next question is about the current POTUS.  :-P That question gets VERY old, VERY fast.  ;-)

 

 

Edited by Deb in NZ
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I understand this some. With 6 kids sometimes the questions and comments about our large family are sweet, sometimes not. And sometimes it's hard to tell what the intent is, so I word things carefully until I can tell how the conversation is going to go. But I don't automatically get annoyed by comments on my family size because often the comments are just fine.

Maybe that's why I personally have a hard time understanding why a lot of supposedly racially sensitive comments are a problem. Big family comments never bothered me. Homeschooling comments have never bothered me. Even the weird ones, I just sort of shrugged off as simple lack of knowledge and answered them like I'd answer anything else. I suppose there are all sorts of people and some are wired to feel more sensitive and hurt while others are primed and ready to do battle over every imagined slight. I've personally tried to read intent into questions and it's rare that I've ever picked up an intent to be rude even when I've been asked typically "rude" questions.

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Crimson Wife, what makes you think your question is "innocent"? It seems to me that if you're doing something you've been told is rude, and arguing that you have a right to do it no matter what, then you are not really innocent at all.

 

Frankly, when I read the same old usernames making the same tired arguments to defend the fact that they don't want to have to consider the consequences of their actions, I come to conclusions that I don't think you want me to make.

 

I don't ask it these days because people like some of those mentioned on this thread read negative intent into it. Even though as I mentioned several times already, "What are you?" was a typical icebreaker where I grew up among almost exclusively European-American folks. I had an Irish maiden name, so I didn't get that particular question, but would get asked if I was Irish. My uncle-by-marriage is Polish but his surname got Anglicized when his family immigrated so he used to get the "what are you?" question.

 

Nobody treated anybody differently based on the answer. It's just innocent making conversation.

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The intent is to put a spotlight on something that is different about the other person. You do it to the cashier when you ask about where they are from. Others do it to you with your family size. Some people don't appreciate being suddenly put under a spotlight. Sometimes they are thrust under the spotlight far too often.

Not necessarily. Sometimes it's because they also have a big family.

 

I think different is good. I think it's interesting to hear other people's stories and I ask because I would genuinely lile to find out about that. (I don't ask everyone, but sometimes it feels okay) When I ask native Spanish speakers where they are from, it's because I am hoping they are from a country I have lived in or visited. I want to connect on some level.

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Not necessarily. Sometimes it's because they also have a big family.

 

 

Ok, so sometimes you're nosy about another person because you see a possible similarity. What is the purpose of asking the question? Are you going to build on it with a relationship, or just pass 30 seconds of time with them? Is the other person in a position to leave freely if they don't want to pass the time on the topic? A cashier can't. So if the question is simple curiosity and wouldn't benefit them along with you, then choose a different topic of conversation that is neutral. Save the other types of connections for different situations. 

Edited by wintermom
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Yes I've always read those questions as curiosity. It's fun to learn about how other people live. And it's fun to share my own experiences. My life is richer for it.

 

Sure, but is their life "richer" for it as well? Just wanting to appease your curiosity isn't a good enough reason to ask a personal question.

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No clue? If one friend is a dentist and another is a part time dog groomer, it's probably save to assume that one has a higher income level than the other .

 

Two friends who are "university professors" may have incomes that easily differ by a factor of three or four. (Unless they go into details about college, subject, and rank, you would not know.)

Of three friends who are "self employed making jewelry and small sculptures", one earns a few extra bucks to supplement her husband's income, the second is the breadwinner for a family of six,  and the third employs 20 people.

 

The job doesn't tell you anything about their income.

 

ETA: Nor does "I stay home to homeschool my children" as an answer to "What do you do?" allow any inference about the family's financial situation, as reading on this board should make abundantly clear.

 

But then, I don't normally encounter people who would care how much money somebody makes. That seems to be an odd thing to want to know.

Edited by regentrude
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Ok, so sometimes you're nosy about another person because you see a possible similarity. What is the purpose of asking the question? Are you going to build on it with a relationship, or just pass 30 seconds of time with them? Is the other person in a position to leave freely if they don't want to pass the time on the topic? A cashier can't. So if the question is simple curiosity and wouldn't benefit them along with you, then choose a different topic of conversation that is neutral. Save the other types of connections for different situations.

I can tell you have a lot of strong feelings about this. I will tell you that as an introvert, I am not accosting people wherever I go and forcing them to tell me their life stories. For myself, I don't mind when people ask about me. I get asked plenty if I grew up in the area or where I am from. Most of the time, I appreciate that someone else would care to find out about me. Tone, facial expressions and word choice often give away people's intent pretty quickly and I am learning to side-step conversations that I find intrusive. But I am pretty sensitive and paranoid about bothering people, so I am careful about who I talk to, what questions I ask and when.

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Some of us mutts do not find it easy to say where our family is from originally because we aren't from one place.  Which relative do I choose when I consider where I'm from originally?  And in some ways I don't totally know. 

 

Then you have a ton of options how to choose to answer:

"I was born in x". "I grew up in y"." My folks are from all over the place". "I live in Z". "I've lived all over" "Hard to say... chuckle"....

 

Even as a person with a known, boring heritage, I have answered the question "Where are you from?" in different ways, depending on context:

"I'm from ____town-in the US".

"I'm from ____state in the US"

"I'm from Germany".

"I'm from __town in Germany".

"I'm from the US".

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