What Do You Think About "Average" Wedding Prices?

[Guest]

I wouldn't consider a 3:00 wedding a hint that there won't be a meal. I would consider it completely obvious that a meal won't be served at 4:00-4:30. Sorry, but anyone who didn't pick up on that seems pretty clueless to me. No one eats a meal at 4:00 unless they're ill or just got back from an intense, calorie burning hike.

 

Anyone judging things as gouche because it didn't meet some traditional template isn't someone who would do well in most of the SW. Maybe we're just more individualistic and diverse around here because we've seen just about every kind of wedding there is.

Yeah...it should be obvious a meal is not in the works; I'm just observing that for many people, it wasn't. I think the full meal wedding reception is so standard in the Mid-Atlantic, it doesn't occur to some people that there won't be a full meal. Incidentally, I saw this happen at a Christmas party two different times as well. The parties were late, like 7:30pm start, and the hosts had lots of appetizers and sweets available, but the more significant appetizers (meatballs, for instance) were gobbled up in about 15 minutes.

 

Anyway, the take-away for me with that wedding was that I would not do light fare with tiny plates and hope people exercise restraint. I would rather have five church ladies serving up chicken salad sandwiches and Costco green beans than elegantly-dressed catering staff dishing out tiny raviolis onto six-inch plates. People (around here, at least) expect to eat at a wedding and it does not seem to matter what time of day the etiquette books say you don't need to serve a full meal. Therefore, it seems better to me to either serve the full meal you can afford or make it crystal-clear that the reception is cake and punch. Throw in some tiny raviolis if you wish, but let that be a happy surprise to the guests who thought it was cake and punch only. 😊

 

Tangent: At another wedding, I also saw people partaking of the food differently from the intention. It was set up like: "On the left side of the room are serving stations for roast beef, potatoes and green beans. On the right side of the room, steamed halibit, rice pilaf and broccoli." People were supposed to CHOOSE ONE. But the buffet line devolved into a snaking line that moved first to the roast beef station and then hooked around for the fish. I was sitting next to my nephew, who was one of the event coordinators and he said just what I was thinking, "People are not doing it 'right.' That wasn't how the food was meant to be chosen. It was supposed to cut down on the size of the line."

 

Maybe I just know a lot of gluttons. ðŸ˜

[Carol in Cal.]

 

Tangent: At another wedding, I also saw people partaking of the food differently from the intention. It was set up like: "On the left side of the room are serving stations for roast beef, potatoes and green beans. On the right side of the room, steamed halibit, rice pilaf and broccoli." People were supposed to CHOOSE ONE. But the buffet line devolved into a snaking line that moved first to the roast beef station and then hooked around for the fish. I was sitting next to my nephew, who was one of the event coordinators and he said just what I was thinking, "People are not doing it 'right.' That wasn't how the food was meant to be chosen. It was supposed to cut down on the size of the line."

 

 

This is why buffets cost more than plated meals.  People take more food at buffets.  A lot of it ends up going to waste, like at a potluck, but it's not available for the next folks.  Plus not everyone teaches their kids how to be polite if they are early in the line.  I'm thinking of the second in line teen boy who loads up his hands with 4 doughnuts, ensuring that some toward the end of the line don't get any.  'Uh, no, you take a reasonable serving, and go back for seconds if there are any left,' is something that parents need to teach but often don't.

[aggie96]

My sis's caterer's plated meal was more expensive than buffet. So she chose buffet, BUT portions were controlled by servers to prevent people piling up plates.  The caterer told us that inevitably guests pile up their plates at the buffet.  Same with open bar hard liquor.  He said invariably hard liquor open bars end up with many don't-usually-drink-like-that people going nuts with free liquor. 

Edited May 30, 2017 by aggie96

[Guest]

My sis's caterer's plated meal was more expensive than buffet. So she chose buffet, BUT portions were controlled by servers to prevent people piling up plates. The caterer told us that inevitably guests pile up their plates at the buffet. Same with open bar hard liquor. He said invariably hard liquor open bars end up with many don't-usually-drink-like-that people going nuts with free liquor.

I saw another tip that mentioned that if you have an earlier wedding, you will curb a lot of boozing. Even people who are not shy drinkers generally use more restraint earlier in the day. Plus it would work better if you had wine/beer only, no open bar.

[aggie96]

In this case, cocktails were served in the beer garden while pictures were taken.  Light hor devours with 4 beers served in sample flights from 4 of their favorite places they had visited during their 4yr engagement.  Then during the meal/reception, 2 types of beer via keg/bar tender and 2 types of wine were served along with tea/water/coffee. They were given a complimentary margarita machine-type choice also, but the mix was very weak.  It all worked out nicely.  Main concern was people driving through the winding hills from the venue back to hotels, so buses were provided (early and late bus) from hotel to venue and back.  Very fancy-pants but just lovely and a ton of fun and luxurious.   :)

 

 

ETA:  I got married at the JP, went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, and stayed one night in a historic hotel in town.  No one attended, just DH and me.  And hotel sucked.  Hind sight being what it is, I think it was completely worth saving "my portion" of wedding funds for my sister's wedding because it was crazy, super, insanely luxurious, and I still got to attend without all the pressure!  And I had 3 beautiful kiddos that got to participate, too!  It really felt like a perfect plan 12 years in the making.   :)  We are so blessed. 

Edited May 30, 2017 by aggie96

[Scarlett]

I saw another tip that mentioned that if you have an earlier wedding, you will curb a lot of boozing. Even people who are not shy drinkers generally use more restraint earlier in the day. Plus it would work better if you had wine/beer only, no open bar.

 

 

I like the idea of a mid morning wedding and a simple brunch reception.  Wedding days are so stressful....it is nice for the bride and groom to get to go off to their honeymoon before midnight!

[bettyandbob]

I saw another tip that mentioned that if you have an earlier wedding, you will curb a lot of boozing. Even people who are not shy drinkers generally use more restraint earlier in the day. Plus it would work better if you had wine/beer only, no open bar.

Agreeing

 

My wedding was early afternoon with wine, beer, champagne only. No open bar. If some wants alcohol at their reception, but is trying to limit costs, they should think about avoiding the open bar.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Diana P.

[tm919]

I think that like many economic statistics in this ginormous country of ours......"average" cost is seriously skewed but the East and West coast HCOL areas.

Agreed, I used a quick calculator that indicated that for my cousins (Louisiana, Mississippi) the cost of the venue, catering, and rentals was less than HALF what it is on average where I am in the Northeast. Everything costs more in some areas. However, some of that is really cultural. I typically haven't had a full course meal at weddings in the South, for instance. 

Edited May 30, 2017 by tm919

[FaithManor]

This is why buffets cost more than plated meals.  People take more food at buffets.  A lot of it ends up going to waste, like at a potluck, but it's not available for the next folks.  Plus not everyone teaches their kids how to be polite if they are early in the line.  I'm thinking of the second in line teen boy who loads up his hands with 4 doughnuts, ensuring that some toward the end of the line don't get any.  'Uh, no, you take a reasonable serving, and go back for seconds if there are any left,' is something that parents need to teach but often don't.

Agreed. This is one reason that the meal has become so expensive. Too many people do not think about others. I watch adults pile their plates sky high at receptions, then let their kids take five brownies and three pieces of cake.

 

It's not  a free for all, but there are definitely enough folks who think it is to force those doing the cooking to have to purchase and serve unreasonably large amounts of food for the number of people in attendance.

 

Okay, off topic but one of the worst things I've witnessed was a catering group that didn't double check the kitchen before they left. The wedding was at a church with a large facility. They left several trays of leftover chicken in the ovens. No one knew. It was there for DAYS, if memory serves, something like two weeks before the kitchen was used again by the church. The stench was OVERWHELMING once they opened those oven doors, and so bad that when it wafted into the sanctuary - which was not far away - the pastor dismissed church early, and the trustees and kitchen committee headed out to dispose and disinfect.  :eek:  :ack2:  :svengo:

 

So word of warning, do a quick check of the the kitchen before you leave you m.o.b.'s and m.o.g.'s. Open the fridge, the ovens, and the cupboards to make sure nothing that can turn into a biology experiment gone wrong is about to be left behind.

[Zinnia]

Expectations are so different in various parts of the country, too. I am from a medium sized southern town. As a child, all weddings were punch and cake. These days, there are plenty of full meal deals, but if someone did punch and cake, everyone would think it was a sweet throwback, not gauche in any way.

 

The weddings of my childhood did not have alcohol or dancing, either. Short wedding, one special song, cake, punch, maybe some chicken fingers, and bam, done.

[Guest]

Echoing the previous post that weddings were (in the main) much simpler in my day.  I'm from a solid middle-class background, FWIW.

 

I don't recall *ever* attending a wedding with a sit-down lunch OR dinner afterward...but from what I read in this discussion and others, people now expect a meal.  In my day (and even right this minute at my parish) we pitched in to provide for either a simple reception (punch, the cake, cookies and desserts, sandwiches), or the sit-down meal (the family will pay for ingredients, but we cook it all up), music, photography, flower arrangements, and even honeymoon sites for everyone else's wedding, so there weren't big expenses beyond the dresses/tuxes, rings, the reception site, and whatever people did for the honeymoon, which *rarely* involved a jet.  More like a week away in the mountains.  (I'm from Colorado.)   The service was pretty much by the book (Presbyterian in my case back in the day), Methodist for most of my friends) so there wasn't a lot to buy or to plan to make it "unique and special."  The big decision for us was "you" or "thee"--haha.  

 

I was about 45 years old before I even *heard* of a "lingerie shower" or the bridesmaids parties.  The bridal shower really *was* about setting up a house, so I got things like 3 wooden spoons and a set of dishtowels and so on.  (I still use several of the items I got that day, 36 years ago.)

 

And the thing is, my mom was astounded at how complicated it all was, compared to her 1953 wedding.  :0).  A church, a suit, a ring, a corsage and a cake.

 

My point is NOT to shake my cane and say how much better it was in the old days.  Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.  

 

But I *will* say that simpler saves a lot of money and even more important to me,  it saves stress and arguing, and it tends to keep one focused on what the whole thing is about.  Because it was simpler, we were able to be hospitable to people who we forgot to invite, who invited themselves and we were SO HAPPY they could come.  It took about 3 months to pull the whole thing together, and it certainly wasn't a frenzy in any way.  We started out debt-free.  

 

And as a little fun side note:  one of the bridesmaids wore her dress to the inaugural balls for President Reagan's second term, and I wore MY bridesmaid dress from my sister's wedding to four proms.  (I taught high school and ended up chaperoning.).  There's $500 saved right there.  :0)

 

 

 

 

[QueenCat]

I guess I disagree.  We just go out to eat after the ceremony.  I've done that at several of my cousin's weddings.  Not a big deal.   My wedding was in Texas.  I had people come from California and Ohio.  No meal.  They still love me. 

 

Also, the wedding was at 2, so punch and cake made sense. It was too early for a full meal when the ceremony was over at 2:30. 

 

Every family culture is different. Yours doesn't have to do it the way mine does. They are both right for our particular families. I would certainly not stop loving someone because they didn't give me a meal. I would find it odd for it to not be part of the festivities simply because it's not the norm on my side or my husband's side of the family. Nor among our friends. Every out of town wedding we've ever been to, which are many, have included a meal. The type of meal has varied greatly but there has always been a meal.

[QueenCat]

Yeah, I'm not sure I believe this.

 

People aren't obligated to come from away for weddings.  It can be nice to plan a meal for them, but if you can't, that doesn't mean they wouldn't want to be invited.

 

My good friends in university had a nice wedding in the college, with a punch type reception afterwards.  The groom's family was from out of province and many of them came, and I assume they wanted to be there with them.  They did have to largely account for their own meals along with a hotel bill.

 

I suppose they could have decided to invite only the local people or have a private wedding, but I'm not sure that is better in any objective way. 

 

You don't believe that people do it this way? I didn't say it was necessary, just the personal norm I've experienced. No, no one is obligated to come. And no, if you don't want to provide a meal, you don't have to but it's not the norm in my personal experience. Again, I've seen everything from simple, inexpensive meals to luxurious but there has always been a meal when there is a large number of out of town guests.

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't know whether a meal at a reception is 'the norm' all over, but one thing that I do think is pretty much the norm is the idea that if a celebration straddles a standard meal time, you feed those present.

 

So, for instance, a 9AM wedding with a reception that is over by 11 would not make me expect a meal.  OTOH, our wedding was at 11AM, so I assumed that guests would need to be fed a substantial meal for lunch.  And in fact, IIRC the reception went until 6 and only finished then because the DJ had to leave.  A 1PM wedding signals 'no meal', because you could be at the reception by 2 and gone by, say, 4.  But a 4PM wedding signals a dinner meal of some sort.  Etc.

 

One of the reasons that we had the wedding at such an unusual time was so that the elderly and out of towners could come and go comfortably.  Some of them had to leave by 8AM to make it on time, and most were coming from about an hour away.  Everyone could get home during daylight hours, which is important to some drivers.  We really wanted our loved ones to be comfortable and to have fun. 

Edited May 30, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[QueenCat]

This would be viewed as very gauche by most people I know. (NOTE: not if it is clear as a bell that it is cake and punch only.) With the wedding I mentioned where there was not enough food, there were only two "hints" that the food was not intended to be a meal. The first was time of day (maybe 3:00? I don't recall exactly.) and the bigger hint was the plate sizes. They were small plates, dessert-plate sized. There were stations about the room where you could take your tiny plate and get a few eggplant raviolis or grapes and cheese, but people piled up the tiny plates and returned repeated times. They were hungry. They didn't know to expect light fare.

 

Oh, also, there were tables to sit down, but not placecards, so I think that was also a "hint" that they didn't mean for people to sit at a table and eat a meal.

 

My experience would lead me to think ceremony at 3, ends around 3:45, travel to reception, get there around 4-4:15. Cocktails and appetizers while waiting for wedding party. Wedding party gets there around 5. Then dinner, dancing, etc.

[bettyandbob]

this is certainly regional. I have never been to a wedding that did not include a meal. I'm 51 and started attending weddings as a small child. So, to me having a meal is not a new expectation. Throughout my life attending weddings and receptions have typically taken 3-4 hours or more time. I've never gone to events that would be super, over the top affairs for my area (I don't hang in those circles). Looking back on two wedding I attended during my college years, I know they were done very inexpensively, with family and friends making all the food and decorations and dresses. Another wedding involved two military families and the reception was very elaborate. I've attended a range of weddings and they've all had meals. I've also found them all to be quite nice, but maybe I like being at joyous affairs no matter how much money is spent. 

 

Again a meal does not need to be elaborate. It does not need to be an elegant plated gourmet whatever. It does not need to be a huge buffet. It can be sandwiches or quiches or chicken strips and salad. Time of day may also suggest when a smaller/lighter food might fit best. 

 

I'd consider not having food if I had no out of town guests, the ceremony was short (less than 30 minutes) with reception short and immediately following at the same location and scheduled not near a meal time (like 2 pm). Basically, an event with only local people lasting an hour. I think there is a segment of people starting to do events like this. 

 

A lot of people are not having ceremonies associated with religious communities, as was common in the past. I think this is changing what the "typical" wedding looks like in many places. 

[Guest]

I don't know whether a meal at a reception is 'the norm' all over, but one thing that I do think is pretty much the norm is the idea that if a celebration straddles a standard meal time, you feed those present.

 

So, for instance, a 9AM wedding with a reception that is over by 11 would not make me expect a meal. OTOH, our wedding was at 11AM, so I assumed that guests would need to be fed a substantial meal for lunch. And in fact, IIRC the reception went until 6 and only finished then because the DJ had to leave. A 1PM wedding signals 'no meal', because you could be at the reception by 2 and gone by, say, 4. But a 4PM wedding signals a dinner meal of some sort. Etc.

 

One of the reasons that we had the wedding at such an unusual time was so that the elderly and out of towners could come and go comfortably. Some of them had to leave by 8AM to make it on time, and most were coming from about an hour away. Everyone could get home during daylight hours, which is important to some drivers. We really wanted our loved ones to be comfortable and to have fun.

The one thing I remember thinking would be stressful about having a morning wedding was there's fewer hours to prepare. If one is DIYing a lot of things, I do remember thinking I didn't want a small window of time before I had to get dressed and do my hair and makeup. So, ironically, someone who is wanting a morning wedding to lower costs will also have the problem of needing to manage a bunch of things, to save money, which is harder, because there's not a lot of time.

[FaithManor]

I don't know whether a meal at a reception is 'the norm' all over, but one thing that I do think is pretty much the norm is the idea that if a celebration straddles a standard meal time, you feed those present.

 

So, for instance, a 9AM wedding with a reception that is over by 11 would not make me expect a meal.  OTOH, our wedding was at 11AM, so I assumed that guests would need to be fed a substantial meal for lunch.  And in fact, IIRC the reception went until 6 and only finished then because the DJ had to leave.  A 1PM wedding signals 'no meal', because you could be at the reception by 2 and gone by, say, 4.  But a 4PM wedding signals a dinner meal of some sort.  Etc.

This might be a regional thing, but tends to hold true in terms of "expectation" here. So I do think it is something to take into consideration. 

 

It is interesting that we have had threads on this board where family members were angry that food wasn't being provided, or child care wasn't being provided, or children friendly food wasn't provided, or there was no cry room available for babes in arms, or the hotel wasn't paid for by the bride and groom so the OP could not afford to attend, or....

 

This is why I say that for a bride and groom, weddings don't make sense anymore. Too many people really do expect a wide variety of accommodations, and they will wreck havoc within the extended family when they don't get them. Even at dd's wedding, we got verbally dressed down, harshly and loudly, for not instinctively knowing that certain little nephews from the groom's side of the family should have been provided with McDonald's Happy Meals or some such similar jazz and chocolate milk at the reception because they don't like grown up foods. Sigh.....

 

We have a kind of narcissistic society, and frankly something about weddings and funerals brings that out in families. I am not fan! LOL

 

I suppose it isn't some sudden thing though, like this generation is the only one who went nuts about big family gatherings. I mean there was plenty of drama way back in the day, we just didn't have the HIVE, Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs to share it with so people are informed. I think those of us that experienced it just assumed it was some rare, unfortunate anomaly that others do not have. Now we know that the crazy is everywhere and quite plentiful!

[Lawyer&Mom]

I think it's all relative. You know how Debeers wants you to spend two months salary on your engagement ring? That's going to be a wildly different number for different people. My wedding cost about three months of our combined salaries. A huge once in a lifetime expenditure? Yes. Above the national average? Yes. More than we could afford? No.

 

The average US household annual income is approximately $50,000. Three months salary is about $12,500. That's pretty close to the $10,000 average wedding.

[Scarlett]

This might be a regional thing, but tends to hold true in terms of "expectation" here. So I do think it is something to take into consideration.

 

It is interesting that we have had threads on this board where family members were angry that food wasn't being provided, or child care wasn't being provided, or children friendly food wasn't provided, or there was no cry room available for babes in arms, or the hotel wasn't paid for by the bride and groom so the OP could not afford to attend, or....

 

This is why I say that for a bride and groom, weddings don't make sense anymore. Too many people really do expect a wide variety of accommodations, and they will wreck havoc within the extended family when they don't get them. Even at dd's wedding, we got verbally dressed down, harshly and loudly, for not instinctively knowing that certain little nephews from the groom's side of the family should have been provided with McDonald's Happy Meals or some such similar jazz and chocolate milk at the reception because they don't like grown up foods. Sigh.....

 

We have a kind of narcissistic society, and frankly something about weddings and funerals brings that out in families. I am not fan! LOL

 

I suppose it isn't some sudden thing though, like this generation is the only one who went nuts about big family gatherings. I mean there was plenty of drama way back in the day, we just didn't have the HIVE, Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs to share it with so people are informed. I think those of us that experienced it just assumed it was some rare, unfortunate anomaly that others do not have. Now we know that the crazy is everywhere and quite plentiful!

I am all for being polite, but no way would I tolerate being dressed down for not providing Happy meals.

 

People need to get rid of their expectations of what should happen at an event.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Scarlett

[bettyandbob]

I am all for being polite, but no way would I tolerate being dressed down fir not proving Happy meals.

 

People need to get rid of their expectations if what should happen at an event.

 

if that happened to me, I think it would be the last time those people were invited to anything whether or not they were family. 

 

When my dc were in the throws of heavy elimination diets, I never demanded a host provide anything. I packed food they could eat and brought it with me to events. If there was actually food at events they could eat, then they ate that, otherwise they ate whatever I packed. 

 

A host may not provide what you think they should, but you don't dress them down. Ever. 

 

(Plus, I don't think there's an etiquette book, blog, website out there that says a host must cater to the whims of random guests including children)

[Guest]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where a sit-down meal was part of the experience. I'm finding this discussion rather intriguing.

[FaithManor]

I am all for being polite, but no way would I tolerate being dressed down fir not proving Happy meals.

 

People need to get rid of their expectations if what should happen at an event.

LOL I was hanging on by a thread. My uncle brought my mentally ill aunt which was very unwise because she can not handle crowds, noise,significant activity. She had a melt down a few minutes before which necessitated me helping him get her out of there. I think I was in a daze when the snowflakes came after me for the non kid friendly food.

 

Of course, again family culture. I raised my kids on grilled chicken breasts, baked seafood, green veggies, and due to finances, we did not do McD's much. So it never occurred to me that children would refuse to eat the food provided, or if they did, that parents would blame me for not knowing this intuitively and providing other fare.

 

I have coordinated a ridiculously high number of events both as a former amateur, and as a recent pro, and that was a new one to me at the time.

 

Humans are so inventive with their drama!

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where a sit-down meal was part of the experience. I'm finding this discussion rather intriguing.

Me neither. And I come from a solidly middle class (possibly upper middle class) southern family. Maybe Texans have different expectations. I don't know. I've been to plenty of nice weddings too. Oh, well.

[Guest]

...snip...

 

We have a kind of narcissistic society, and frankly something about weddings and funerals brings that out in families. I am not fan! LOL

 

I suppose it isn't some sudden thing though, like this generation is the only one who went nuts about big family gatherings. I mean there was plenty of drama way back in the day, we just didn't have the HIVE, Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs to share it with so people are informed. I think those of us that experienced it just assumed it was some rare, unfortunate anomaly that others do not have. Now we know that the crazy is everywhere and quite plentiful!

 

One thing that *has* changed is that there is a lot less "standard practice."  When I was a kid (I'll be 60 in about a month), ya kinda knew what to expect because the weddings were generally "out of the book" as were the funerals, and people had been there before.  It is still that way to a large degree in some subsets of the population, especially where either sacrament or tradition is highly respected.  

 

As events have become more individual and personal expressions, two things have happened.  It makes a lot more work for the planners and makes it harder for other people to know how to chip in, what to do.  The planners have to pull everything together from scratch, make all kinds of decisions about what they want (or what the departed would have wanted) and get it all together.  This probably opens the door to a lot of tension that may not be well expressed at times.  

 

In our parish, we have had 7 weddings in 7 years and 5 funerals in 5 years.  Everyone knows what to expect, what to do, how to contribute, where to be, what to wear, how much time to set aside, what to sing, how to act.  The family doesn't have to make an enormous number of decisions or do a lot of the preparation work because there are people all around them to step in and do All the Things.  Not ALL but you know what I mean.  We know what the services will be, we know the music, we know where the receiving line will be.  We have all the symbolic elements at the church.  Get the flowers, call people to let them know (funeral) or get the announcement in the bulletin (everyone is assumed invited to a sacramental church service) and invite those outside the parish.  Go.

 

However, when Dad died, I could not believe the exhaustive amount of work my sister and mom had to do.  I did the calling for funeral director as we saw he was dying, and got all done that I could from a distance, but OMGOODNESS, the service itself was really nice, and very Dad, but my sister and mom were completely worn out.  Every last thing had to be thought about, nothing could be assumed, every little speech written, all the music decided on and  collated and rehearsed and farmed out, the slide show developed and so on.  Because nothing was standard, it all had to be created, and that just brings up a lot of discussion and opinions and not knowing quite what to do or how to help.  All this, at pretty generally stressful inflection points.

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where a sit-down meal was part of the experience. I'm finding this discussion rather intriguing.

 

I'd say, in my 44 years of living here, it's been half and half for me.  Boy are some people in for a shock if they expect it every time. I was an adult before I ever attended a wedding that included drinking and dancing at a reception.  Those are both more common now.

 

I think our society is far more mobile these days and the internet spreads ideas and that means moving away from rigid templates, folks. Accept it and act accordingly, it will save you needless angst.  I live in an area where most people didn't grow up here, so when people from elsewhere expect what Sissy, Mamma and Nana did back home to be the norm, it doesn't reflect well on them. Um, why would someone expect that?  Add to that how cosmopolitan we are with people from all over the country and foreign countries, and expectations are actually foolish in this kind of setting.  Instead, people should be grateful and appreciative for what the hosts and couple are providing for them.

 

I agree clear communication about what is provided in the way of food should be included in the invitation so people can plan to eat or not before or after if a wedding is around a meal time. Planning should also consider meal times in the process and plan accordingly.  If it's in a physical environment where certain clothing or shoe options would cause problems, it should be mentioned.  But beyond that kind of thing, you get what you get and you don't get upset.

 

I'm going to an LDS wedding of a friend's daughter next month.  I'm not LDS.  That means I'm only invited to the reception, and not allowed to enter their temple at all where their ceremony will be. Shrug.  Half my in-laws are LDS and half aren't.  Most of the half that aren't choose to take great personal offense that because of religious practice, they are not allowed to attend the wedding ceremonies of LDS family members, only the receptions.  I, on the other hand, choose to appreciate how nice it was to be invited to the parts that their religious practices allow and I'll be there happily.

 

I think being upset about someone else's wedding, church music style, church attire, and funerals has been a part of grievance culture for a long time among the older generations.  I also notice the older generations are usually the ones I hear complaining about modern grievance culture.

[FaithManor]

Patty Joanna, I agree completely. There just is n it a standard or usual, and that does make for a lot of complication.

 

My mother's church has about 19 funerals per year, and 11 weddings. That sheer number has caused them to do dictate some things, and resulted in rental fees because they cannot afford to absorb the custodial and utilities cost of so many events. It is the go to place in the county because it can seat a large number of people both for services and for food since most of the area churches are small both in facility and in attendance.

 

Individualism can be really special and meaningful, but the opposite side of that coin is that it can also be a big pain in the rear.

 

Next up? I have my niece's Celtic handfasting. Thank goodness I am not on the hook to coordinate a thing became I have zero idea what should happen at one of these.

 

Funerals are simply the worst. Ever. I was exhausted to the bone, but felt it was necessary to do every possible thing I could so the funeral director or one of his staff would not do it because they would have tacked on a fee for every little detail. I even transported the flowers on the casket from the church to the grave because I am pretty certain he would have charged her fifty bucks for hanging them if I had not gotten to those flowers first! I spent the whole day running around like an insane woman. Worse than any wedding, including my own daughter's wedding.

[Bluegoat]

You don't believe that people do it this way? I didn't say it was necessary, just the personal norm I've experienced. No, no one is obligated to come. And no, if you don't want to provide a meal, you don't have to but it's not the norm in my personal experience. Again, I've seen everything from simple, inexpensive meals to luxurious but there has always been a meal when there is a large number of out of town guests.

 

I believe people do it that way, of course.  However, what you said was that,

 

With our extended family all over the place, meals really do need to be a part of the event. Whether it's a less expensive bbq buffet or a sit down meal....... you can't ask people to fly or drive for a day or two, and then not feed them.

 

Which does suggest not just a personal experience, or what your family prefers, but a general principle when people come from afar.

 

Presumably if one could not stretch to a meal for all guests, but had close family that lived far away, you would still invite the family members if they wanted to come.

[Guest]

Patty Joanna, I agree completely. There just is n it a standard or usual, and that does make for a lot of complication.

 

My mother's church has about 19 funerals per year, and 11 weddings. That sheer number has caused them to do dictate some things, and resulted in rental fees because they cannot afford to absorb the custodial and utilities cost of so many events. It is the go to place in the county because it can seat a large number of people both for services and for food since most of the area churches are small both in facility and in attendance.

 

Individualism can be really special and meaningful, but the opposite side of that coin is that it can also be a big pain in the rear.

 

Next up? I have my niece's Celtic handfasting. Thank goodness I am not on the hook to coordinate a thing became I have zero idea what should happen at one of these.

 

Funerals are simply the worst. Ever. I was exhausted to the bone, but felt it was necessary to do every possible thing I could so the funeral director or one of his staff would not do it because they would have tacked on a fee for every little detail. I even transported the flowers on the casket from the church to the grave because I am pretty certain he would have charged her fifty bucks for hanging them if I had not gotten to those flowers first! I spent the whole day running around like an insane woman. Worse than any wedding, including my own daughter's wedding.

Not liking but LIKING.  You know what I mean.

[QueenCat]

I believe people do it that way, of course.  However, what you said was that,

 

With our extended family all over the place, meals really do need to be a part of the event. Whether it's a less expensive bbq buffet or a sit down meal....... you can't ask people to fly or drive for a day or two, and then not feed them.

 

Which does suggest not just a personal experience, or what your family prefers, but a general principle when people come from afar.

 

Presumably if one could not stretch to a meal for all guests, but had close family that lived far away, you would still invite the family members if they wanted to come.

 

"Need" may have not been the right word to use....... It is just what is done, on both sides of our family. I've never seen it done another way. Would I still fly out to New Mexico or Texas for a wedding that didn't include a meal? Or drive 10-12 hours to a few other places... Of course.

 

As far as a "general principle", most people I know do have similar experiences with their families.

[Seasider]

We have a kind of narcissistic society, and frankly something about weddings and funerals brings that out in families. I am not fan! LOL

 

Bingo

[Luckymama]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where a sit-down meal was part of the experience. I'm finding this discussion rather intriguing.

I have never been to a wedding without a sit-down (plated or buffet) as part of the experience! I've attended weddings from 1984 to the present, in northern rural PA, all over California, in Kentucky, and from Long Island to Maryland. Friends and family, Catholic and Protestant and Jewish, big shindigs and intimate gatherings.

[QueenCat]

YES!!!  I only went to my first one a few months ago.  Now it happens to be one of my husband's partners.  I have no feeling like we HAVE to do something similar.  They will be invited for cake and punch.  I don't think we will be judged.  I just think maybe Texas or at least rural Texas is different maybe???  I don't know. 

 

About a third of the weddings we go to are in rural TX (or almost rural). These are the ones we travel quite a distance to get to, as do many others. The weddings are more casual but there is always food.

[Carol in Cal.]

The one thing I remember thinking would be stressful about having a morning wedding was there's fewer hours to prepare. If one is DIYing a lot of things, I do remember thinking I didn't want a small window of time before I had to get dressed and do my hair and makeup. So, ironically, someone who is wanting a morning wedding to lower costs will also have the problem of needing to manage a bunch of things, to save money, which is harder, because there's not a lot of time.

 

Yes, this was a distinct problem, plus I had an insane photographer.  He insisted that he do a photo shoot with DH and I lasting for 4 hours before the wedding.  That would have meant that he and I and all the wedding party would have had to be photo ready at my grandparents' house by 6:30 AM.  I said no.

 

He argued that we would not actually enjoy our wedding.  That these quiet moments with him telling us to smile were going to be the highlight of the day, what we would remember always as the best part.  (YES HE SERIOUSLY DID.)

 

I said no.

 

We compromised on a brief photo shoot with just me and the bridesmaids as well as my grandparents and parents at the GPs' house around 9 or so, and a separate photo shoot with Rod later on. 

 

Cra cra.

 

Also I couldn't wash my hair with my first and only ever manicure/false nails, so my sister climbed into the shower to help.  Greater love hath no one than this...

 

I once attended a wedding that was at 9.  I don't know how in the world they stood it.

[FaithManor]

Oh my Carol!! I have met a couple of whackadoodle photographers in my day, but YOWZA!!!

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

About a third of the weddings we go to are in rural TX (or almost rural). These are the ones we travel quite a distance to get to, as do many others. The weddings are more casual but there is always food.

Oh, I wasn't implying there isn't food. There is generally some sort of food. Just not a sit down meal.

[Guest]

Oh, I wasn't implying there isn't food. There is generally some sort of food. Just not a sit down meal.

Same. There's always some sort of food. But for a formal, sit-down meal, I've never experienced it.

[Carol in Cal.]

Right?

[LucyStoner]

We did a brunch reception at the headquarters of a garden club.  It was lovely and people thought it cost us a lot more than it did.  In reality, we paid under $800.  I did get my dress off the rack on clearance at a place my husband has an employee discount but cheap wedding dresses are a family tradition.  My mom got hers for $12 in 1979.  Mine was about $65 in 2002.  

[MedicMom]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where a sit-down meal was part of the experience. I'm finding this discussion rather intriguing.

I've only been to one where finger foods were served instead(and the bride was not-so-quietly criticized for it). Everything else has also been a full, 3+ course plated or buffet meal. And the last ten years I've been to a lot of weddings.

[creekland]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where a sit-down meal was part of the experience. I'm finding this discussion rather intriguing.

 

Ditto.  But all of the weddings I've been to have been in either my family or hubby's family (or a couple of college friends) so I guess my experience is limited.  There's always been food and in about half of them alcohol, but never a sit down meal.  I wouldn't even think to include one TBH.  It's a good thing I have boys.  I wouldn't know how to raise girls (but my son's wedding also just had a finger food buffet and people stood and mingled while eating at the reception - no planning at all from me with that - it was all DIL's side).

[wonderchica]

Almost every wedding I've been to (small town South) were finger foods/cake/punch receptions. No alcohol or dancing. One or two had some additional food prepared by family. Only recently have I attended full meal weddings.

[Guest]

Re financial question in OP subject line: I wonder how far "average" price differs from "median" price. I know that the number is very different for real estate in this area. Some gazillion-dollar waterfront mansions really boost the average on the predominantly 3bd, ranch/ split level, 1800 sf house prices. I wonder if the same idea would hold for the wedding world.

[CadenceSophia]

My wedding was super expensive and you know what the best part was? When it was over. I absolutely hated it, but I loved being married from the very first minute we walked out of the reception hall.

 

I planned my wedding three times myself, each time to be vetoed by my parents who were paying. I finally gave up, my aunt really wanted to plan the wedding in the first place. It would have offended everyone horribly to have the type of wedding I could pay for myself (one of my cousins did and still hasn't been forgiven).

That huge waste of money did serve to turn me from a daughter into a wife though. None of my relationships with my family were ever the same again.

[Χά�ων]

I saw another tip that mentioned that if you have an earlier wedding, you will curb a lot of boozing. Even people who are not shy drinkers generally use more restraint earlier in the day. Plus it would work better if you had wine/beer only, no open bar.

I was blown away when I learned that not having any wine/beer at the reception is another one of those sins...

 

It can also be one of the biggest expenses. Or maybe just my inlaws...

[Guest]

Re financial question in OP subject line: I wonder how far "average" price differs from "median" price. I know that the number is very different for real estate in this area. Some gazillion-dollar waterfront mansions really boost the average on the predominantly 3bd, ranch/ split level, 1800 sf house prices. I wonder if the same idea would hold for the wedding world.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/weddings/2013/06/average_wedding_cost_published_numbers_on_the_price_of_a_wedding_are_totally.html

 

Apparently, some people do understand median and how it differs from average. But these are still not small numbers. It's very similar to those articles that say, "A baby costs the average couple $76,894 in its first year!" Well, maybe if you buy every gizmo there is, and outfit a perfect, brand-new nursery, and buy head-to-toe Gymboree it might. But not if you haunt thrift stores and are showered with hand-knit blankets by the church ladies and you DIY the nursery.

[shawthorne44]

...Because nothing was standard, it all had to be created, and that just brings up a lot of discussion and opinions and not knowing quite what to do or how to help.  All this, at pretty generally stressful inflection points.

 

 

I think there is a lot of pressure when there isn't the default.   With the default, there is no fear of judgement from people because it isn't a reflection on you.  It is sort of the school uniform of ceremonies.    But, if you are responsible for every decision, everyone knows you are responsible for every decision.   I am a very mellow person, but I was near melt-down a couple of times.  

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I think some families view weddings as family reunions.  Therefore the pressure to invite all family and provide a nice meal.  

[shawthorne44]

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/weddings/2013/06/average_wedding_cost_published_numbers_on_the_price_of_a_wedding_are_totally.html

 

Apparently, some people do understand median and how it differs from average. But these are still not small numbers. It's very similar to those articles that say, "A baby costs the average couple $76,894 in its first year!" Well, maybe if you buy every gizmo there is, and outfit a perfect, brand-new nursery, and buy head-to-toe Gymboree it might. But not if you haunt thrift stores and are showered with hand-knit blankets by the church ladies and you DIY the nursery.

 

Even with the median prices (and it is nice to see median), I wonder where they got their dataset?   I know I didn't answer a survey.    If the data comes from weddings in hotels, wedding halls, country clubs and misc_places_with_a_wedding_planner, then the median sounds about right.   In all the weddings I ever attended, mine at 5K was the fanciest and most expensive.   I remember one which was scheduled for "the first weekend after both the divorces are final".   It was at their church and they served sheet cake and cans of soda.  That wedding wasn't in the dataset.   Nor was the one in the park that I was the volunteer photographer.  

[FaithManor]

Even with the median prices (and it is nice to see median), I wonder where they got their dataset? I know I didn't answer a survey. If the data comes from weddings in hotels, wedding halls, country clubs and misc_places_with_a_wedding_planner, then the median sounds about right. In all the weddings I ever attended, mine at 5K was the fanciest and most expensive. I remember one which was scheduled for "the first weekend after both the divorces are final". It was at their church and they served sheet cake and cans of soda. That wedding wasn't in the dataset. Nor was the one in the park that I was the volunteer photographer.

Exactly. The numbers are way off because they are only representative of a small percentage of weddings. Given the stagnation of wages, real estate mess, period of high unemployment in the Midwest and Great Lakes Region, etc. there are far more DIY weddings out there, the go to the magistrate's office and have pizza after, kind of wedding than the expensive, high end kind. The median income for this area is roughly $35,000. Nobody is having $25,000 weddings except the daughter of the one wealthy realtor in the county. The banker I mentioned even though he spent a gob more than he could afford, still didn't get in the ballpark of $25,000.00

 

It is a lot like "Homeschoolers out perform PS'ers on the ACT." Well, that's a self selecting group. The high number of home schoolers who do not take the A.C.T are not represented. On top of that, the religious groups that are against college and deliberately under prepare their kids for higher education would do very, very poorly on the exam. But since they do not take it, the number is quite skewed. College bound college prepped home schoolers do better on the A.C.T, that is a better way to frame that. The generic term homeschooler in the context is meaningless.

 

Always like that with statistics. The old saying, "Numbers don't lie" is a bit of a misnomer because while they may not be false numbers, they can be manipulated to represent a falsehood.

[BlsdMama]

Here's a pop quiz:


Last five weddings you attended - 

 

What was the food served?

What was the bride wearing?
What was the church decorated like?
What was the reception like?

 

See, here's the thing, and maybe I am one of those oblivious types (okay, I really kinda AM one of those oblviious types.)  We just attended one of my BFF's daughters weddings.  I cannot remember what we ate.  I remember it was good, lol, but it wasn't complex.  (She had BTDT for an older daughter and wasn't going to make herself crazy this time around.)

 

What I do remember - they did a GREAT daddy/daughter dance.

The bride looked beautiful in her cowboy boots!

Everyone was having such a great time.

 

It was really a pretty low key wedding and I thought it was fantastic.  The grandfather performed the vows and it was so heartfelt and the bride/groom were SO pleased to be getting married that it was tangible.

 

 

Our DD did everything very traditionally and I am glad she had the day she wanted (at a low sticker price) but I have to tell you, even at that low sticker price, it is crazy to spend much on ONE day when the emphasis should be on the VOWS and instead it is on the table decor, kwim?  And the people who don't get that it is about the vows, meh, I could care less if I impress them.  For us though, the dinner was about surrounding ourselves with people we loved and people who loved seeing them take those vows.  A large number were her great aunts/uncles that she was VERY close to and his church members because he had been in that church since he was four.   When I think about choices, I am just incredibly glad they had the pastor and pre-marital counseling that they had and that their church was the most warm, loving, inviting place for them.  That was the very best part and, ironically, one of the least expensive. ;)