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Æthelthryth the Texan

Spouses and cell phone passwords.

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I agree cell phones are personal but my husband is not just anyone. I mean I do a lot of things for and with my dh that I don't do with anyone else. ;)

 

We just both agreed to be open books.

I totally get it. Ours are open as are our computers, email, etc. But, I still don't like for him to use my computer or read my emails. I'm not hiding anything it's just mine.

 

My mom read my diary and went through my stuff when I spent the night with friends. My door to my room didn't lock and she never knocked. My xh read my journals, too. Dh gets that I've never had privacy and tries to respect that and I try do so in return. But, he's an open book so its generally not an issue.

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I have good friends...husband is in a highly sensitive position with a bank and he has to change his pw very very often.  His wife is suppose to be able to have the pw, but she told me he always forgets to tell it to her.  She seemed slightly annoyed when she told me this. I absolutely know that would bother me.  But like I said I am looking at it through the cracked up lens of my life.

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I have good friends...husband is in a highly sensitive position with a bank and he has to change his pw very very often.  His wife is suppose to be able to have the pw, but she told me he always forgets to tell it to her.  She seemed slightly annoyed when she told me this. I absolutely know that would bother me.  But like I said I am looking at it through the cracked up lens of my life.

 

Maybe I am too. Ex-dh was sneaky and secretive and that's forever colored me on things like this. But it was before texting was really a thing, much less smart phones, so I can't imagine what the case would've been then. It was hard enough dealing with him without added complications like phone passwords. I could only imagine how defensive he would've been over that..........

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Neither of us has a passcode for our phone, but if I was inclined to use a passcode I would consider it private. If I was inclined to write in a journal and locked it I would also consider that private, as well. Married couples are entitled to privacy just like everyone else.

Edited by reefgazer
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We do not share passcodes at my house.  I can't even imagine keeping device or account passwords long enough that it would be practical to keep sharing them with your spouse and children.  Maybe I just live in the land of tech paranoia.  We even have separate wifi for guest use and they can't fully access our home wifi.  I've never needed access to dh's phone.  

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My mom read my diary and went through my stuff when I spent the night with friends. My door to my room didn't lock and she never knocked. My xh read my journals, too.

My in-laws and some of my friends parents do that too. We joked that that might be the number 1 reason for high schools and colleges to have lockers. Many of us locked our journals in the school locker.

Edited by Arcadia

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We all have each other's passwords (except dh has a work phone that has to have a secret PW due to HIPAA -- I trust him and this doesn't bother me). The only time I get antsy about phone-sharing is when kids have my phone and dh might text something flirty/borderline inappropriate (not pix, just innuendo)!  :001_rolleyes: We usually check that the phone owner is holding phone before texting anything... "married." I guess I'm somewhat protective of privacy with friends' texts too. I don't have anything to hide but just today a friend was texting me some sensitive stuff about struggles with her dh. I am not hiding it from my dh but I do feel that it would be best if those things were read just by me, since that was my friend's intention. I am not worried about it; dh isn't a snoop. Hopefully my kids aren't either. They are usually right beside me if they are using my phone so I don't think they're trolling through my texts. Sometimes I worry about my internet history; there is complicated stuff in my extended family that my kids don't know about and I was googling resources to pass along. I don't really want them seeing those search words and asking questions. 

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Dh and I have the same password on our phones. However, we hardly ever use or look at each other's phone. The only time we do is in the rare event someone calls or texts one of us while the receiver is in the shower, driving, or outside. It's not that we have anything to hide, just that there usually isn't a reason to check or use each other's phone.

 

Our kids know how to call bypassing the password in case of emergency and how to call/text through the passcode system. However, our kids are not allowed to use our phones unless given permission (usually to take pics while out, call a relative, check or send texts for me while I am driving, check the weather, or plug in info to the gps when I am driving and need last minute directions). Having the kids know the password is handy for us in those situations. We keep our phones with us, in our room, or in a a central spot in our living area. We would notice quickly if the kids snuck away with one of the phones so I don't see the point in hiding the passcode from them. The only reason I have a passcode is to make it difficult to do much more than make calls if stolen.

Edited by TX native

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Ok, I downloaded the app but I can't really do anything....what am I missing?  I can see my Roku channels..but when I click remote it just takes me to an upgrade screen.  Did you have to pay for yours?

 

No, not at all.  I have an iphone, but DH did not have to pay for his on the android either.   When I open the app, I see a page with my channels.  At the top on the left is a bell, on the right is a search function.  Across the bottom, I have Channels, What's on, Remote, Photos, and Settings.  It's been a while since we downloaded and set them up, but I think you have to set up your device...have you gone into settings and tried that?  Which phone do you have?  Mine is a 5c so not super new or anything, I think DH's is like 3 yrs old too....

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The only time I get antsy about phone-sharing is when kids have my phone and dh might text something flirty/borderline inappropriate (not pix, just innuendo)! :001_rolleyes: We usually check that the phone owner is holding phone before texting anything... "married."

One time I thought I was texting my dh something "sweet" and I accidentally sent it to my neighbor, lol. Glad it wasn't much more than I love you type stuff.

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We all have each other's passwords (except dh has a work phone that has to have a secret PW due to HIPAA -- I trust him and this doesn't bother me). The only time I get antsy about phone-sharing is when kids have my phone and dh might text something flirty/borderline inappropriate (not pix, just innuendo)!  :001_rolleyes: We usually check that the phone owner is holding phone before texting anything... "married." I guess I'm somewhat protective of privacy with friends' texts too. I don't have anything to hide but just today a friend was texting me some sensitive stuff about struggles with her dh. I am not hiding it from my dh but I do feel that it would be best if those things were read just by me, since that was my friend's intention. I am not worried about it; dh isn't a snoop. Hopefully my kids aren't either. They are usually right beside me if they are using my phone so I don't think they're trolling through my texts. Sometimes I worry about my internet history; there is complicated stuff in my extended family that my kids don't know about and I was googling resources to pass along. I don't really want them seeing those search words and asking questions. 

 

 

Yes my friend's conversations I don't always want to share with dh.  He isn't super nosy like that...And I sure don't want my kids to read some of my texts.  

 

The other day a friend accidentally pasted onto a group text a VERY private text from another friend (who thankfully was NOT on that group text)  Seriously it was horrifying for everyone.  THAT is a text I deleted immediately and did not even share with dh that it happened.  But that wasn't my secret to keep.  

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No, not at all.  I have an iphone, but DH did not have to pay for his on the android either.   When I open the app, I see a page with my channels.  At the top on the left is a bell, on the right is a search function.  Across the bottom, I have Channels, What's on, Remote, Photos, and Settings.  It's been a while since we downloaded and set them up, but I think you have to set up your device...have you gone into settings and tried that?  Which phone do you have?  Mine is a 5c so not super new or anything, I think DH's is like 3 yrs old too....

 

 

I have IPhone 6.  I hope I downloaded the right app.....hmmmm...Is it a purple app in the shape of a remote control?

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One time I thought I was texting my dh something "sweet" and I accidentally sent it to my neighbor, lol. Glad it wasn't much more than I love you type stuff.

 

 

I have done similar things.  

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Absolutely (phone, email, fb, voicemail, all of it). We share everything, there are no secrets.... secrets end marriages.  Not only do I have his passwords but he downloaded an app on his phone that lets me track him wherever, he doesn't want me to worry if he's late getting home so I can easily check that he's stuck in traffic. 

 

I don't necessarily equate "not having access to passwords" with having secrets.    There's nothing secret on my phone, in my email, etc.... and yet my husband does not have the passwords, nor does he care to have them.   (I asked him, thanks to this thread.)  

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I know dh's passcode and have a fingerprint thingie set-up cuz I'm lazy. :p

I have the same passcode on my phone as we have on all "family" iPads because originally I wanted them to be able to make a call in the event of an emergency. Now that we have the TracFones for the kids it's probably not strictly necessary, but I've kept it. He knows the passcode to my iPad which is different than the phone.

 

In dh's case it's just easier. I have more flexibility/time availability so being able to hand me his phone or whatever and ask me to fix/update/set-up whatever is ideal. Can't do that without the passcode. When one of us is unavailable we have been known to respond to texts for each other.

 

I don't really care what anyone does. We all have FindFriends set-up and dh's coworkers think it's just unthinkable and they would never want their spouse and family members to know where they were like that. Eh, to each his own. The kids and I like it because dh is often working and them being able to play "Where's dad?" makes them happy. Plus, I worry less about running by myself that way. There was one time when dh was out of town and I had to run by myself. He watched to make sure I made it home ok even from as far away as he was. Sometimes it helps bridge that gap.

 

I think everyone has to make technology work the way they want it to and the degree to which they are comfortable. I don't think doing it differently is a sign for anything other than someone doing it differently. YMMV and all that.

Edited by mamaraby
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Now I'm fascinated.  Do you all have a system in place to share all of your new passwords every x days, or are you all choosing a single password for every device/account and just leaving it unchanged for months/years?  I can't be the only person married to a paranoid computer guy.  In my house if you're lax with security you get booted from family wifi and have to use the guest account!  

 

I've been married for a few decades.  I remember life long before cell phones so I've never really thought of my phone as an extension of my soul.  It's more like a box that holds access to my bank account and has to be secured with great care.  

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Neither of us use a password but we used to and when we did we knew each other's passwords. Ds doesn't use one anymore either but when he did we didn't know it. He was over 18 at the time though.

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Absolutely (phone, email, fb, voicemail, all of it). We share everything, there are no secrets.... secrets end marriages.  Not only do I have his passwords but he downloaded an app on his phone that lets me track him wherever, he doesn't want me to worry if he's late getting home so I can easily check that he's stuck in traffic. 

 

 

We have that too.  It drives me nuts sometimes though because it gives me an alert too often.  I don't really need to know his every move all day long.  Just now it alerted me he 'drove two miles'.  Well, of course I had to see where !  Lunch it seems.   Seriously I have a love hate relationship with that app.

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We all know each other's pass codes, though I'll bet dh forgot mine. When we set up his and her iPads, we used our appleIDs and somehow linked them to our phone. Anytime one of us gets a text, we can see it on the corresponding iPad. The kids use my iPad every day. They really need to get their own though.

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Now I'm fascinated. Do you all have a system in place to share all of your new passwords every x days, or are you all choosing a single password for every device/account and just leaving it unchanged for months/years? I can't be the only person married to a paranoid computer guy. In my house if you're lax with security you get booted from family wifi and have to use the guest account!

 

I've been married for a few decades. I remember life long before cell phones so I've never really thought of my phone as an extension of my soul. It's more like a box that holds access to my bank account and has to be secured with great care.

We've used the same phone passwords for years. We actually rarely change passwords for anything. We've never been hacked online. We did have our debit card cloned one time but that was one of those gas station scams.

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Now I'm fascinated.  Do you all have a system in place to share all of your new passwords every x days, or are you all choosing a single password for every device/account and just leaving it unchanged for months/years?  I can't be the only person married to a paranoid computer guy.  In my house if you're lax with security you get booted from family wifi and have to use the guest account!  

 

I've been married for a few decades.  I remember life long before cell phones so I've never really thought of my phone as an extension of my soul.  It's more like a box that holds access to my bank account and has to be secured with great care.  

 

 

When we have passcodes we don't generally change them.  

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Now I'm fascinated. Do you all have a system in place to share all of your new passwords every x days, or are you all choosing a single password for every device/account and just leaving it unchanged for months/years? I can't be the only person married to a paranoid computer guy. In my house if you're lax with security you get booted from family wifi and have to use the guest account!

 

I've been married for a few decades. I remember life long before cell phones so I've never really thought of my phone as an extension of my soul. It's more like a box that holds access to my bank account and has to be secured with great care.

My dh is over IT for his entire corporation and we never change passwords on devices. He's of a mind that it's delusional to a point to think it matters much and believes everything is hackable. If we get phishing emails or it's clear an account has been hacked, then yes of course we will change the password, but he's not a big believer in passwords being the be all end all. They use other types of higher level security like scans etc for the important things. But we never change the passwords on our devices unless Apple makes us.

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This is a trigger subject for me because it is how my XH began his affair. I know affairs can start if someone wants to regardless of how phone passcodes are handled....but keeping info from your spouse is a beginning point to me.

Me too. Me too 😟

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Now I'm fascinated. Do you all have a system in place to share all of your new passwords every x days, or are you all choosing a single password for every device/account and just leaving it unchanged for months/years? I can't be the only person married to a paranoid computer guy. In my house if you're lax with security you get booted from family wifi and have to use the guest account!

 

I've been married for a few decades. I remember life long before cell phones so I've never really thought of my phone as an extension of my soul. It's more like a box that holds access to my bank account and has to be secured with great care.

Oh and side note- my bank apps all use a finger print code- not a password.

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Now I'm fascinated. Do you all have a system in place to share all of your new passwords every x days, or are you all choosing a single password for every device/account and just leaving it unchanged for months/years? I can't be the only person married to a paranoid computer guy. In my house if you're lax with security you get booted from family wifi and have to use the guest account!

 

I've been married for a few decades. I remember life long before cell phones so I've never really thought of my phone as an extension of my soul. It's more like a box that holds access to my bank account and has to be secured with great care.

My password has been the same on every phone I have had. My computer has always been the same, too.

 

As for accounts online, I only change them when they make me. I do use a different one for every site but I have a formula. I don't honestly see the point in changing them. The breaches in security I have had have always been on their side, not mine.

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This is a sidenote sort of PSA-but since we are talking about privacy, if you or your spouse have a cell phone paid for by work it's worth knowing that they have access to more than your work emails if they have the right software and IT set up. They can use it to track location 24/7, including if you happen to have another job interview on a sick day or something similar. They also can probably read all of the texts sent or received on that phone. And anything you access on company wi-fi is fair game too, whether it's on a work paid device or not.

 

Not all companies have these capabilities, but a many do, so I thought I would mention since we're discussing privacy anyway.

 

ETA- if your HR lead carries two cell phones, it's probably a good idea for you to do too. ;)

Edited by texasmom33
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Dh and I both have passcodes and we both know each others. My older kids have seen me put mine in enough to know it which is fine. But I keep a passcode on it in case it gets lost and to keep my little ones from messing with it.

 

I think having intentionally keeping a passcode from a spouse would he a big red flag.

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Neither Dh or I use passcodes on our phones. They are often sitting in the kitchen charging, so we have access to the other person's phone. I rarely have a reason to look at or use his phone. DH works at home, so I could access his work computer too. If dh has a secret passcode, I would wonder what he was hiding from me.

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Absolutely (phone, email, fb, voicemail, all of it). We share everything, there are no secrets.... secrets end marriages. Not only do I have his passwords but he downloaded an app on his phone that lets me track him wherever, he doesn't want me to worry if he's late getting home so I can easily check that he's stuck in traffic.

The other day DH went to a store on his way home and didn't tell me. He could have picked some stuff up for me. I decided there should be a tracking app for husbands so that if DH goes into a store I get an alert so I can send him my shopping list. 😆 I kid. Sort of. Not really kidding. I actually want that.

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The other day DH went to a store on his way home and didn't tell me. He could have picked some stuff up for me. I decided there should be a tracking app for husbands so that if DH goes into a store I get an alert so I can send him my shopping list. 😆 I kid. Sort of. Not really kidding. I actually want that.

 

 

I need an alert for when he goes to Lowes.  Ideally his phone could start wailing like those Amber alerts and flash on his screen, 'You have exceeded your Lowes allotment for the month!!!!'

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DH is the only one with a cell phone.  I take it if I'm traveling far and DH is staying home.  Since I do use it, I do know the passcode.  I'm not sure I would know it otherwise, but it wouldn't be a secret just that I wouldn't think to ask for it (or remember) if I'm not going to use it.  I'm not sure the kids know as they haven't had a need or want to use the phone, but DH would show them if need be.  We have a home phone and posted phone numbers and all the kids know what to do.

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The other day DH went to a store on his way home and didn't tell me. He could have picked some stuff up for me. I decided there should be a tracking app for husbands so that if DH goes into a store I get an alert so I can send him my shopping list. 😆 I kid. Sort of. Not really kidding. I actually want that.

There is one. Life 360 will track them and you can set it to tell you (make a sound) if they go certain places. We use it so I can track dh's mileage for work.

 

Eta: He has to add it to his phone. You can't track him secretly.

Edited by MaeFlowers

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I don't have a passcode on my phone, and I don't have anything on it that would have a password (such as banking, social media). Doesn't matter who sees my grocery list or "Happy Easter" from my aunt.

I don't even know how many phones DH has at this point (maybe 3? I know one is just for work)--he's in charge of tech stuff for the household--but he hates texting as well as phone calls. I don't know whether he has passcodes or not--presumably the work one has one. If he were doing something he didn't want me to know about, he'd have any number of ways to do so (computer, in person working in the next county, whatever). The phone would be the least of my concerns.

We really don't use our phones a lot, DH especially. One disadvantage we've found to smart phones is how often they need to be charged even if we didn't use them all day. We charged flip phones maybe once a week.

We have a landline, so if DS needed to make a call, that would make the most sense, and we use it for local calls and incoming calls generally. It's much easier to find, for one thing.

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My DH knows my password. I don't know his because it's a government phone and it's against the law for me to know it, and it drives me nuts to have to have him unlock it every time I want to grab the nearest thing to check the weather.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Similar situation here yet I don't share my passcode out of a perverse sense of equality. There's nothing on it that I want to hide, but no need for anyone else to mess with it anyway. I definitely don't share with my kids- they take a million stupid pictures, and think it's funny to move my apps around and hide them.

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My husband and I know each other's pass codes. I think my children do too.

 

I use my husband's cell phone pretty often to call my own, because I seem to have trouble with misplacing things. I don't do things on my phone, nor does my husband, that we would consider a secret or shameful. However, I do think that the people we might email or text deserve privacy.

 

People use their cell phones in business. Sometimes they have an obligation to safeguard confidentiality of clients. We use our phones to text and email friends and family, and I consider those conversation private. I am not one who believes that anything you tell a friend becomes the business of his or her spouse.

 

Honestly, I may not really want my husband to know that I am posting on this forum right now instead of doing something productive :). He has my code and I have his, but it would feel like a violation to use it in order to see texts or emails or the browsing history of a spouse.

Edited by Danestress
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We have the same passcodes. Sometimes we need to check something on the other's email or something. Or when one of us is driving, the other can read/respond to texts.

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Everyone knows my password. My thumb works on all of my dc's phones. I know my dh's password, but my kids don't. He has client info that is confidential. I have a position in his office, so I'm covered. I almost never go on his phone. He's doesn't keep the icons arranged in a logical way, so it drives me nuts. 😂😂😂

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There is one. Life 360 will track them and you can set it to tell you (make a sound) if they go certain places. We use it so I can track dh's mileage for work.

 

Eta: He has to add it to his phone. You can't track him secretly.

 

 

We do have Life360.  I do have Lowe's listed as 'a place'.  I didn't know I could set an alert for when he goes there!  That is hysterical.  

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I'm not sure if my kids have the pass code, but they're not particularly big and we have a land line. My husband has my pass code and I have his, though. Keeping it secret from a spouse seems totally weird to me too, it's not like my phone is appropriate for hiding activities or content I wouldn't want him seeing!

 

It's one thing if he didn't know it because he didn't care. But purposely and intentionally concealing it from the person you sleep with and next to each night rubs me the wrong way.

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The other day DH went to a store on his way home and didn't tell me. He could have picked some stuff up for me. I decided there should be a tracking app for husbands so that if DH goes into a store I get an alert so I can send him my shopping list. 😆 I kid. Sort of. Not really kidding. I actually want that.

We have an app called GroceryIQ that lets you keep a bunch of store lists and share the access. If DH swings by Target or the store, he has the lists. I keep one for Lowes, Target, Trader Joe's, regular grocery, Aldi, every specific place that I think oh, next time I go...

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We do have Life360.  I do have Lowe's listed as 'a place'.  I didn't know I could set an alert for when he goes there!  That is hysterical.  

 

 

Ha.  I just added it to be alerted when he arrives and when he leaves.  Hilarious.  

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We do have Life360. I do have Lowe's listed as 'a place'. I didn't know I could set an alert for when he goes there! That is hysterical.

You can click on the place and set a radius. You'll know if he even goes within three miles of the store!

 

We posted at the same time.

Edited by MaeFlowers
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You can click on the place and set a radius. You'll know if he even goes within three miles of the store!

 

 

I did it!.  It is making me laugh so hard.  He might not be as amused.

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Forgot to answer the OP. I don't have a passcode. I (and the kids) know DH's. I don't answer his calls or look at his email or FB or messages without his permission or him asking me to answer something while we are driving. Well, I did use his text messages to let his main secretary and partner know he was hospitalized. I wasn't sure which number was their cell and which was their direct work line, so it was easier to text them with his phone. And I answered it when he was in surgery and the idjit bookkeeper kept calling and texting incessantly.

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Now I'm fascinated. Do you all have a system in place to share all of your new passwords every x days, or are you all choosing a single password for every device/account and just leaving it unchanged for months/years? I can't be the only person married to a paranoid computer guy. In my house if you're lax with security you get booted from family wifi and have to use the guest account!

 

I've been married for a few decades. I remember life long before cell phones so I've never really thought of my phone as an extension of my soul. It's more like a box that holds access to my bank account and has to be secured with great care.

Our phone pass codes are just to prevent someone accessing them in a theft situation, not our spouses. But my husband is a security nut and we use 1password, the password vault, and we have each ofher's master password in our own vaults just in case one of us was to need it. If my husband died or was disabled I'd really need a comprehensive list of the accounts for bill pay, all the social security numbers, and his server info and passwords. Our master passwords are very long and very secure, but since they are the only password we need to memorize it's extremely easy to do.

 

Much safer than having four or five less secure passwords to try and remember, and we can auto generate all sorts of random strings by certain criteria. We just copy and paste from that vault, which has solid encryption even when backing up. Love it!

 

Here is a nice detailed review:

http://www.thesweetsetup.com/apps/best-password-manager-and-why-you-need-one/

Edited by Arctic Mama
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I took an online app programming class a few years ago. One of the assignments was a grocery list app and I seriously considered adding a geo-fence to mine so that it would sound an alarm to remind the user to check the list when entering a known grocery store.

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