Friends not homeschooling next year, kind of a vent, kind of a JAWM

[Alice]

I'm feeling particularly sad this year about the number of people I know who are going to be putting their kids into school next year. I am not a die-hard homeschooler myself and can understand the myriad of reasons why people make a choice not to homeschool. I firmly believe that everyone should choose what is best for their family. But it's also getting to the point where I feel this sadness in my gut every time someone  that tells me they are putting their kids in school next year. 

Probably the main reason for the sadness is that most of them are putting their kids in one of two schools (one is a elementary/middle, one is a high school). Both are private schools where we know a lot of people. The elem/middle school is one that is a lovely school and where we could probably financially swing the tuition. It is literally about 5 minutes from our house and many of our closest friends go there, including people from church. I'm sure our kids would like it. We choose not to go there because we like homeschooling although if we ever switched we would likely look seriously at it as a school. The high school is also one we know a lot of people at. Financially it would be a strain so I'm not sure we would even consider it if we wanted to not homeschool. 

 

I know my kids are thriving and I know that homeschooling is our choice. I like homeschooling and I don't really have any desire not to do it. My kids seem happy and have friends and want to keep homeschooling. So that isn't an issue. I know that other people's choices shouldn't matter to us and that they should choose what's best for them. I think it's just that since we know so many people at the one school that sometimes it feels like a club that we are excluded from (granted a club that we choose to not join). It's not infrequent that I'm in a social setting (book club, coffee with friends, lunch with friends from church, other church events) where the conversation turns to this school and I get left out. It's not intentional on their part, its' just something they all have in common. 

 

The only reason I'm posting here is really because I just felt the need to tell someone. My two closest friends who I usually confide in both go to this school (one is actually a teacher there as well). They would try to reassure me but they wouldn't really get the feeling. Dh is great but he wouldn't get it either. One of his favorite things about homeschooling is being sort of an outsider. He loves being outside the box and unconventional. I can deal with it but I don't love it. So I thought I'd share it here and just get it off my chest. 

[...................]

I so totally understand you.

 

((Hugs))

 

The fact is even if the kids went to school there would be some things other families do that you won't or can't or choose not to at the time. No matter what you do, you'll have to steer your own ship and sometimes be left out or different.

 

Totally not homeschool related but we attended a small church and suddenly everyone bought Rvs and started traveling and camping without us. They told lengthy stories about their trips, had non stop inside jokes, pictures displayed on the mantle and as time went by they took 3 or 4 longs trips every year and even the pastor left so we had no one to teach the people except a young deacon. We were "invited" to go but we could jot afford to rent, let alone own, an RV. And my husband absolutely hates camping.

 

So my point is there are always times and seasons and if you were really lonely or feeling left out you could try to make some new friends that have your lifestyle as it does make things easier. But it wouldn't solve everything :)

[lmrich]

It stinks. Sometimes the best choices are not the easiest ones. 

 

We have loved homeschooling. However, the peer group is shrinking for us, too, which makes for challenges. Our best friends moved away three years ago, and it has never been quite the same. 

I hope you can find some great new folks soon. 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry. I understand the feeling as I'm going through a similar situation. It took me almost three years to find other homeschoolers, and now they are all joining CC or 2-3 day a week "homeschool academies". I don't begrudge them that, or question their choices. But it does change the dynamic. 

[Tess in the Burbs]

totally get it.  A lot of our circle of friends homeschool, but most use a 2 day tutoring model or do co-op as the primary learning.  Once they hit 11th grade they go to dual enrollment at the local CC.  

We haven't met many who just school at home.  With mom teaching. Availability to just hang out at this high school age is almost nil.  So we considered PS for my high schoolers, but ultimately opted to just join the local co-op for a fluff class or two so my kids would still have some social outlet with the homeschoolers we know and maybe meet some new friends.  I feel like I caved in giving up some our or school time to make this happen. I didn't want to join.  One kid is excited, the other is NOT.  I'm dreading it already.  

I think you just have to decide what is more important to you.  Being home?  Or adapting as things change around you and joining in b/c it might be a better option?  

We first added in a few online classes to up the academics for a few subjects I wasn't confident in.  Now we are adding in an outside class source so they can have some interaction with other homeschoolers since at this age no one gets together for play time LOL

 

Good luck.  I think this age is hard...finding balance for school and friends 

 

[lllll]

:grouphug:

[EKT]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  :grouphug: I totally get it. We belong to a great co-op and I love the people, but the nature of homeschooling in our particular community seems to be constant change; people come and go from the co-op and it's kind of heartbreaking every time one of your child's beloved homeschool friends starts school or stops co-op for other reasons, etc. I've definitely felt it sometimes--that feeling of "Oh, it would be so much easier (socially) to just put them in school!" But personally, we love homeschooling and it works so well for us, so I just have to remind myself that we have to focus on what works best for our family overall. (So far, the cons of homeschooling do not outweigh the pros.) But it gets hard when the people around you always seem to be changing or making different choices. Living out your dreams can be surprisingly lonely sometimes!

 

[Alice]

Thanks everyone. 

 

I should probably sheepishly admit that most of our close friends are still homeschooling. All the kids have a fairly good core group of friends and I have homeschooling Mom friends in our co-op. So we are definitely much luckier than many people who I know are much more isolated than we are. 

 

I think what got me today was while I was at our co-op I had conversations with 4 separate families who will be sending their kids to the particular private school next year and one Mom of a very good friend of my son's who is considering the private high school. To them I was supportive and affirmed their choice but it was just a little much. I appreciate the hugs...it's nice to know that other people get it. 

[Targhee]

Community is so important! (((Hugs)))

[bethben]

Here's what I've figured out.  When I was in a small town and the choices were homeschooling or public school (no co-ops, no private schools), people tended to stick with homeschooling.  Most if not all of the people I started homeschooling with when ds was 5 are still going strong at 16.  We moved two years ago to a large metro area and the choices are vast for co-ops, charter school homeschool programs, private schools, charter schools, and good public schools.   There is a lot more moving of kids from one program to another.  

 

The other thing I've thought of recently is that homeschooling is HARD.  Personally, we are thinking of sending our youngest to school because she is so social and it is wearing me out.  If I had a private school 5 minutes away, I would jump at that so fast right now.  As it is, we figured out the cost of sending our daughter to a private school would be about $10,000 a year.  The tuition is not too bad, but you add registration fees, activity fees, and the "every family has to raise $1000" thing, it gets really pricey really fast.  I think between having real choices and just the exhausting nature of homeschooling in general can affect the homeschooling turnover rate.  

[...................]

I forgot to say earlier that as far as co-ops I decided if you can't beat em join em wAs the best option and it has been great.

 

We don't do all the classes and we did have to shop around. One co-op was way too "our theology is the right way" and the other is full of christians but the classes are secular and I found that we actually fit with the second group so mi h better.

 

And my son is going to CC full time in the fall. I feel bad that his co-op teacher ans friends will miss him and vice versa but he truly needs the challenge.

 

Private school is another matter but is there a co-op nearby? :)

[Garga]

Here's what I've figured out. When I was in a small town and the choices were homeschooling or public school (no co-ops, no private schools), people tended to stick with homeschooling. Most if not all of the people I started homeschooling with when ds was 5 are still going strong at 16. We moved two years ago to a large metro area and the choices are vast for co-ops, charter school homeschool programs, private schools, charter schools, and good public schools. There is a lot more moving of kids from one program to another.

 

The other thing I've thought of recently is that homeschooling is HARD. Personally, we are thinking of sending our youngest to school because she is so social and it is wearing me out. If I had a private school 5 minutes away, I would jump at that so fast right now. As it is, we figured out the cost of sending our daughter to a private school would be about $10,000 a year. The tuition is not too bad, but you add registration fees, activity fees, and the "every family has to raise $1000" thing, it gets really pricey really fast. I think between having real choices and just the exhausting nature of homeschooling in general can affect the homeschooling turnover rate.

Homeschooling has been hard for me this year as never before. I didn't know it was going to be this way when I started this school year. I misjudged (greatly) how independent my 9th grader would be. I spend 8-10 hours a week now, preparing lessons to teach him, and about 6-8 hours a day actively teaching the kids. I was so sure that the 9th grader would be independent, but he's not at all.

 

For us, my kids are geeky enough that I think they'd be beyond miserable in school and I can't do that to them (speaking as a kid who was geeky in school and suffered a lot from it.)

 

But if they were outgoing and popular kids? I'd be very, very tempted to send them.

 

 

ETA: OP--at the same time, I understand how you feel. The feeling that people are moving on to new things and the sense of loss that comes from that.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Garga

[Guest]

Homeschooling has been hard for me this year as never before. I didn't know it was going to be this way when I started this school year. I misjudged (greatly) how independent my 9th grader would be. I spend 8-10 hours a week now, preparing lessons to teach him, and about 6-8 hours a day actively teaching the kids. I was so sure that the 9th grader would be independent, but he's not at all.

 

For us, my kids are geeky enough that I think they'd be beyond miserable in school and I can't do that to them (speaking as a kid who was geeky in school and suffered a lot from it.)

 

But if they were outgoing and popular kids? I'd be very, very tempted to send them.

 

 

ETA: OP--at the same time, I understand how you feel. The feeling that people are moving on to new things and the sense of loss that comes from that.

 

I just want to say on this, you aren't the only one. We had the same issue. I honestly feel some of the resources I've read over the years are way off on the independence level for some kids in early high school. They don't account for the hormone fog, or whatever it is. But I also had to completely adjust my expectations. 

[Garga]

I just want to say on this, you aren't the only one. We had the same issue. I honestly feel some of the resources I've read over the years are way off on the independence level for some kids in early high school. They don't account for the hormone fog, or whatever it is. But I also had to completely adjust my expectations.

Yup. I heard so many times about how people can hand their kids a text book and the kid will learn from it and answer some questions in the book and it's all good. This is so far from my story that it's laughable. Everyone is so different. Every student is different. And the curric can make a difference, too. I think I may have chosen books that are particularly hard to learn from independently.

 

I'm being extra careful with the books I choose next year. I don't want to do this again next year!

[MerryAtHope]

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry. I'm glad that you at least have some close friends still homeschooling though! But I get how awkward that can feel, and also that sense of loss to the community, personal momentum etc... It's so common as our kids get older, but I hope you can continue to have one or a couple close friends who will go the distance with you. It means so much!

 

 

the "every family has to raise $1000" thing,

 

That alone was one of the things that kept me from considering private schools! My ds was in preschool one year, and between all the forms and fundraisers and then keeping up with their schedule--and this even at an abbreviated preschool pace--I decided homeschooling would be less exhausting for me, LOL! (At least to start, that is!) I was so glad to be done with all that stuff.

[Alice]

I forgot to say earlier that as far as co-ops I decided if you can't beat em join em wAs the best option and it has been great.

 

We don't do all the classes and we did have to shop around. One co-op was way too "our theology is the right way" and the other is full of christians but the classes are secular and I found that we actually fit with the second group so mi h better.

 

And my son is going to CC full time in the fall. I feel bad that his co-op teacher ans friends will miss him and vice versa but he truly needs the challenge.

 

Private school is another matter but is there a co-op nearby? :)

 

 

Thanks. We are in a great co-op. We've been in it for about 7 years and it's where most of our friends are. It has a very active high school group in particular so there are options as the kids get older. We do classes that are mostly fun or that are kind of nice icing on the cake kinds of things. It's a great fit for us and actually provides a good community and support.  

 

I think the particular sadness/frustration/whatever this week came because I was at co-op on Thurdsay and had conversations with 4 different families who are leaving and going to the small private school near us next year. None are our closest friends but it just got to be kind of too much. And then I talked to a  friend who is seriously considering putting her son in private school for high school. He is a good friend of my son. (Although kind of a funny aside...I found out that they had a debate at Scouts about homeschooling vs. private school. On one side was my son and another homeschooling friend. On the other was a friend who used to be homeschooled and in the co-op but is now at the private school. Apparently the homeschool side was more persuasive...the Mom said he wants to homeschool although I don't think she is 100% sure what she wants to do.)

 

I was affirming to all of them when we talked about doing what was right for their family and there being lots of good options, etc, etc. But when I got home I was feeling just overall kind of discouraged. 

[retiredHSmom]

Thanks. We are in a great co-op. We've been in it for about 7 years and it's where most of our friends are. It has a very active high school group in particular so there are options as the kids get older. We do classes that are mostly fun or that are kind of nice icing on the cake kinds of things. It's a great fit for us and actually provides a good community and support.  

 

I think the particular sadness/frustration/whatever this week came because I was at co-op on Thurdsay and had conversations with 4 different families who are leaving and going to the small private school near us next year. None are our closest friends but it just got to be kind of too much. And then I talked to a  friend who is seriously considering putting her son in private school for high school. He is a good friend of my son. (Although kind of a funny aside...I found out that they had a debate at Scouts about homeschooling vs. private school. On one side was my son and another homeschooling friend. On the other was a friend who used to be homeschooled and in the co-op but is now at the private school. Apparently the homeschool side was more persuasive...the Mom said he wants to homeschool although I don't think she is 100% sure what she wants to do.)

 

I was affirming to all of them when we talked about doing what was right for their family and there being lots of good options, etc, etc. But when I got home I was feeling just overall kind of discouraged. 

I know exactly where you are coming from.  I have homeschooled two students to college and have one more that is just one year away and I have watched many of our friends fall away over the years as they choose to attend school.  For what its worth, both of my daughters have expressed to me how happy they are that we homeschooled them all the way through.

 

My understanding of your situation deepens however because we attend the same co-op as you and while I only think that I know what elementary school you are talking about, I know for certain which high school you are talking about and frankly, I am tired of hearing of the wonders of that particular school, as well.  Three years ago, one of my good friends from church decided to send one of her 7 children to that school and it wasn't the oldest.  The child that she sent was one of my son's good friends and every time we saw them after that she tried to convince me, or worse yet, my son, that we should send my son there.  It took her two full years to finally give up.

 

I am happy and confident with the choice that we made but it gets old to always hear how green the grass is elsewhere and to feel left out of so many conversations because we made a different choice.

[Dmmetler]

I get it. One of my best friends (and the mom of one of DD's best friends) is struggling in her marriage, and is trying to get a job-and will likely put her kids in school.

 

I understand why. I know she needs my support-but that's another friend we are both likely losing.

[kolamum]

:group: You are not alone. My eldest child is the only high school left in our area who was not put into high school. Even the die hard, "I would NEVER put my kids in school.." did. It's a strange & lonely place at times, but on the other hand, my son is thriving & enjoying what he's doing.. 

[Alice]

I know exactly where you are coming from.  I have homeschooled two students to college and have one more that is just one year away and I have watched many of our friends fall away over the years as they choose to attend school.  For what its worth, both of my daughters have expressed to me how happy they are that we homeschooled them all the way through.

 

My understanding of your situation deepens however because we attend the same co-op as you and while I only think that I know what elementary school you are talking about, I know for certain which high school you are talking about and frankly, I am tired of hearing of the wonders of that particular school, as well.  Three years ago, one of my good friends from church decided to send one of her 7 children to that school and it wasn't the oldest.  The child that she sent was one of my son's good friends and every time we saw them after that she tried to convince me, or worse yet, my son, that we should send my son there.  It took her two full years to finally give up.

 

I am happy and confident with the choice that we made but it gets old to always hear how green the grass is elsewhere and to feel left out of so many conversations because we made a different choice.

 

Thanks, Tania! This exactly. And I'm sure you know exactly which private high school I am talking about. :)