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Noreen Claire

Feeling stuck in the space in between <maybe a JAWM>

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That's a tough one.  I guess all you can do is tell him your concerns.  Tell him about your SIL's younger brother.  He might not hear you, but what can ya do. 

 

 

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I have an Aspie with ADD who won't get his license until this summer when he's 20. I would say something like "hey, I wanted to tell you how pleased I am at what a good driver you are when we're in the car. It can be easier to get distracted though when you're with a bunch of buddies. I'm not trying to be a nag but we love you too much to lose you. Keep that in mind, ok?"

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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I think you are within bounds if you tell him you saw the skidding and he needs to be careful or he's going to get a ticket or have an accident.  I would definitely tell him about your brother and your worry.  As I tell my kids, "I like you.  I want you alive.  I need you to take care of me in my old age."

 

I agree that "consequences" would not be appropriate under the circumstances.

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I would talk to him and focus on how reckless driving could hurt other people, not just him. He might respond better to that, because young adults always feel like they're invincible. Are there any little kids in your neighborhood? Maybe you could say something to him like, "I know how it would destroy you if you hit little Sally who lives two houses down because you were driving too fast, so please slow down and don't drive like a jerk." 

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Does he live in your house? If yes then it doesn't matter how old he is, he listens to you and your rules and your instruction when he's messing up. I get wanting them to be an adult and also an "adult" learning to drive -- mine was 18 when he got a license too.

 

I give lots of leeway when my now 21-year-old is doing what he should. But if he slips up, I am still mom and bring authority of being in my house.

 

I would hope that a serious talk would be enough but I would make it clear that any indication that it wasn't enough and I would take keys of his car if I had to for a while.

 

Not in your house? I guess talking is really all you can do.

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The thing is...he IS a new driver.  And as such, you, as his parent and the person providing his room and board, totally have the right to, at minimum, have a discussion with him about it, and yes, perhaps even take his car away.  Think about all the colleges that don't let kids living on campus have cars on campus.  He may be an adult, but if he isn't acting like one, you aren't obligated to treat him like one. 

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I would talk to him and focus on how reckless driving could hurt other people, not just him. He might respond better to that, because young adults always feel like they're invincible. Are there any little kids in your neighborhood? Maybe you could say something to him like, "I know how it would destroy you if you hit little Sally who lives two houses down because you were driving too fast, so please slow down and don't drive like a jerk." 

This is a very good point. Young people believe nothing bad will happen to them, but maybe he would be more receptive to the idea that someone else could be hurt.

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Ah, this is hard. I remember being the mother of a new driver. Sounds like he is a good driver but shows off a bit when other young guys are with him.

What Jean suggested up thread sounds good. Emphasizing how well he drives, cautious and defensive and that you care and even saying openly "You know I am more afraid especially after what happened to your cousin, can you humor me please?"

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Imo, saying something is a public safety thing.

 

If you were at an event and an adult you knew came skidding up wouldn't you say something?

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You could also approach if from a maintenance/expense angle. Driving like that puts a lot of extra wear on tires and brakes and probably other things. So it's gonna cost him lots of extra $$.

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I agree about telling him your concerns. It only takes a moment for a life to be destroyed.  You would probably talk to dh if he drove that way, because you love him. Same for ds. 

 

He probably drives better with dh in the car than he does with his buddies, so I hope your dh realizes that and will back you up when you voice your concerns. 

 

 

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Are there any little kids in your neighborhood? Maybe you could say something to him like, "I know how it would destroy you if you hit little Sally who lives two houses down because you were driving too fast, so please slow down and don't drive like a jerk." 

 

He has FOUR little brothers! They don't play in the street, but still...

 

This is my other nightmare. Not that he hurts himself, but that he hurts someone else.

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I will say I have a 57-year-old friend and I have no problem telling her when her driving is too scary.

 

It's true, she never really listened until I pointed out that she could hit a car full of people and kill someone else's children.

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I would approach it from a $$ standpoint.  It took him so long to pay the insurance to get the car on the road.  One ticket and insurance rates rise, not to mention the cost of the ticket itself.  At our house the rule is if you get a ticket you can't drive until the ticket is paid for or cleared by traffic school.   In my area driving on the road & skidding (for fun) that would leave marks would be considered reckless driving and cost about $650, 2 points to your license which causes your insurance to go up and, at the discretion of the judge at traffic court, a 30 day suspension of the license.  

 

Because young people think they are immortal even if they are not talking about the financial hit might be more effective.

 

Amber in SJ

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He has FOUR little brothers! They don't play in the street, but still...

 

This is my other nightmare. Not that he hurts himself, but that he hurts someone else.

 

Oh. Duh. I probably should have glanced at your sig, lol.

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I don't care how old my kid was, if he came skidding around the corner and I saw it, he'd get seventeen earfuls. I've been doing this to mine since they were in back in car seats. Cars are something to treat with great respect. You can kill someone. You'd never get over that. You can kill yourself. I'd never get over that. Don't be a jerk. If you want to drive like a race car driver, pay the money for one of those experiences. Don't do it on the street and kill someone! I absolutely would remind him of his cousin.

 

Defensive driving course is a great idea.

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Also, I want to send some hugs & support to you.  Honestly, driving is one of the things that terrified me the most about letting them grow up and be adults.  The potential for danger seemed so great.  I felt like I was saying, "Here you go, you person with an unformed prefrontal cortex, here are the keys to a thousand pound death machine.  Go get on the road with others driving death machines, who also exercise bad judgement, who think it is more important to get where they are going quickly, answer a text, put on make-up or eat in the car thank it is to pay attention to others on the road."

 

But they managed it.  With a couple of dings & lessons that they had to pay for.

 

It is hard to figure out how to parent adults & almost adults.

 

Amber in SJ

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I probably would say something to any adult neighbor who drove like that on my street. To an adult son I might say, "I know you are an adult, but I saw how you drove the other night and was upset about it. There people walking, driving and playing in this neighborhood, and they have a right to do so without that kind of recklessness. As your mother, I also very much hate to see you put yourself at risk of making a mistake that could change your life forever.

Edited by Danestress
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Does he understand his diagnosis? Nonverbal learning disorder usually (hesitate to say always, but really, it is part of the diagnosis) includes a visual spatial disability. He may have misjudged the curve.

 

If he understands NVLD, perhaps he would accept the offer of an adaptive driving course as an extra help for him, in the way that glasses are an extra help for someone with a visual disability. You could offer to pay for it.

 

My son with NVLD has not reach driving age yet, but I expect it will be very nerve-wracking for me.

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