Shabby Scholé Weekly Soirée ~Stress~ 4/23/17

[Woodland Mist Academy]

It's that time of year again -- AP Exams, SAT Subject Tests, finals, graduation...  

 

Often during times of stress, all of our lofty ideals bite the dust. How do you help your teen deal with stress when the going gets tough? How do you model healthy behavior during rough patches? Do you have particular struggles that rear their heads only during stressful times?

 

Stress can be debilitating, but it can also be a time of significant personal growth. Let's help each other help our teens make the most of the stressful times.

 

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What is Shabby Scholé? Shabby Scholé Weekly Soirée 

Continued discussion on last week's thread welcome here:  Living Books: Science

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[Guest]

We are not quite there yet on the stress issues for dd. I think next year will be the year, so I am tuning in on this one. I am trying to use these last weeks of 9th grade and the summer to convince her that a planner is her friend. I think for my teen, organization is something that is lacking and will be her enemy as far as stress next year. On the other hand though, I think the load of next year might be the tipping point to finally convince her organization is a good thing, so I am actually looking forward to it. I may regret saying that next year!

[Woodland Mist Academy]

We are not quite there yet on the stress issues for dd. I think next year will be the year, so I am tuning in on this one. I am trying to use these last weeks of 9th grade and the summer to convince her that a planner is her friend. I think for my teen, organization is something that is lacking and will be her enemy as far as stress next year. On the other hand though, I think the load of next year might be the tipping point to finally convince her organization is a good thing, so I am actually looking forward to it. I may regret saying that next year!

 

9th grade was absolutely a tipping point for my daughter. (A rough, rocky road of a tipping point.)   10th grade has been so.much.better.

 

I'm grateful for the lessons 9th grade taught her, but I do sometimes wonder if I could have made the lessons easier somehow...  To be fair, 9th grade was a tipping point for me too. I think we both learned a lot about what she needs and how we handle stress differently. Perhaps one of the most important lessons I learned (and am still perfecting...) is when to step in and when to step back. 

[Chrysalis Academy]

Our stress is for different reasons - dd is suffering from a serious chronic but as yet not fully determined health problem. It's affected everything about her life this year, so this hasn't been the year either one of us had envisioned. There have been definite successes, but it's been hard at the same time. What's difficult (and stressful) at the moment is trying to plan for what comes next when her health is bad and I don't know where it will go. On the one hand I feel the need to up the ante, add outside classes/DE, accountability, start transitioning; on the other hand, I need to create a warm safe nest, adapt things to her daily changing ability to cope, and keep school things as low key and unstressful as possible. So I'm mostly trying to contain the stress inside myself. 

 

It does make you stop and think, though, when you have to triage.  Do I really have to drag my kid, with her limited energy and ability to focus, through a bunch of classes just for box-checking purposes? How much can I let go of and still make sure she can go to college?  Do we really have to do science next year?????  :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, yeah.  Stress sucks.  

[Woodland Mist Academy]

:grouphug:

 

Flexibility is one of homeschooling strengths. It seems that now, more than ever, flexibility is what's needed. DE would probably be last on my list because of the lasting repercussions of a stumble. Upping the ante during a health crisis is not the same as upping the ante during a time of relative equilibrium. Part of the reason we up the ante is to teach the student to learn to cope with stress and increased expectations. It seems like she might be doing a lot of that already. Upping the ante on the school front might be too, too much -- both mentally and physically. 

 

Part of the stress of 9th grade here was an unexpected health situation that occurred at the same time the ante was upped. Bad, bad combo. Not something I would recommend if you have the choice. Mental and physical health first --- always. 

 

In other words, remember the words of Count Rugen...If you haven't got your health...

 

 

[8filltheheart]

Our stress is for different reasons - dd is suffering from a serious chronic but as yet not fully determined health problem. It's affected everything about her life this year, so this hasn't been the year either one of us had envisioned. There have been definite successes, but it's been hard at the same time. What's difficult (and stressful) at the moment is trying to plan for what comes next when her health is bad and I don't know where it will go. On the one hand I feel the need to up the ante, add outside classes/DE, accountability, start transitioning; on the other hand, I need to create a warm safe nest, adapt things to her daily changing ability to cope, and keep school things as low key and unstressful as possible. So I'm mostly trying to contain the stress inside myself.

 

It does make you stop and think, though, when you have to triage. Do I really have to drag my kid, with her limited energy and ability to focus, through a bunch of classes just for box-checking purposes? How much can I let go of and still make sure she can go to college? Do we really have to do science next year????? :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, yeah. Stress sucks.

If you look outside of CA, you can do a lot of letting go. Fwiw, one of my dd's science credits was untraditional. She spent the yr reading about different ecosystems, reading about environmental impacts on those systems, and watching documentaries. I'd have to look on her transcript, but I think I ended up deciding to call it ecological biodiversity. Anyway, it was a refreshing breather to standard high school science.

 

(((Hugs))) on the health issue. Dd looks like she is going into a flare and I hate it for her. I am encouraging her to make an appt and consider stronger meds. But, she is 18 and these decisions are now hers to make. She hates being on meds.

[Guest]

Our stress is for different reasons - dd is suffering from a serious chronic but as yet not fully determined health problem. It's affected everything about her life this year, so this hasn't been the year either one of us had envisioned. There have been definite successes, but it's been hard at the same time. What's difficult (and stressful) at the moment is trying to plan for what comes next when her health is bad and I don't know where it will go. On the one hand I feel the need to up the ante, add outside classes/DE, accountability, start transitioning; on the other hand, I need to create a warm safe nest, adapt things to her daily changing ability to cope, and keep school things as low key and unstressful as possible. So I'm mostly trying to contain the stress inside myself. 

 

It does make you stop and think, though, when you have to triage.  Do I really have to drag my kid, with her limited energy and ability to focus, through a bunch of classes just for box-checking purposes? How much can I let go of and still make sure she can go to college?  Do we really have to do science next year?????  :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, yeah.  Stress sucks.  

 

:grouphug: to you and your dd. I had a problem like that crop up during graduate school. A bit older than your dd obviously, but it is just such a hard thing to juggle with school of any sort. I'm guessing between testing, diagnosing, and living with a chronic illness she'll have her own mini-science class on just that and your science box will be checked through life experience. 

[Closeacademy]

10th grade was the most stressful so far for older dd. It did get better once we dropped the bad Chemistry teacher and just did it at home at our own pace instead. But she also outsourced a World History class that had a huge project attached to it and that took a lot of time.

 

11th has been better since we've focused on finishing up a lot of required things and am looking forward to Senior year for a lot of classes that follow her interests. 

 

She's also decided on a gap year which will give her some extra time to work on math skills before applying for college. That's helped a lot with stress on both our sides.

[Woodland Mist Academy]

10th grade was the most stressful so far for older dd. It did get better once we dropped the bad Chemistry teacher and just did it at home at our own pace instead. But she also outsourced a World History class that had a huge project attached to it and that took a lot of time.

 

11th has been better since we've focused on finishing up a lot of required things and am looking forward to Senior year for a lot of classes that follow her interests. 

 

She's also decided on a gap year which will give her some extra time to work on math skills before applying for college. That's helped a lot with stress on both our sides.

 

Your post has lots of good reminders:

 

1. Don't be afraid to switch directions.

2. Although many timelines in high school are etched in stone, not all are. The trick is realizing what things are and aren't on such a timeline. 

Need extra time to cement math? Take it. Need to back off a bit to let body, mind, and spirit heal? Do it.

3. Don't forget to make time for student interests! These years are precious --- recognize them for the gift they are.

[Woodland Mist Academy]

How are everyone's teens holding up now that exams and end-of-the-year papers and projects are looming? What do you do to help them (and you!) cope with acute stress?

 

The basics I'm working on here are sleeping, eating well, staying hydrated, and exercising. In addition, recognizing that there is value in making time for creative outlets such as drawing, writing, journaling, and spending time in nature, even in especially in times of stress.

 

In reality, not all of these happen every day and some days it seems almost none of them happen. I don't want to add to the stress by looking for perfection in every meal or expecting a daily hour-long communion with nature. I also don't want to give in to chaos. Balance, balance, balance.

 

How are things looking in your worlds?

Edited April 25, 2017 by Woodland Mist Academy

[regentrude]

How are everyone's teens holding up now that exams and end-of-the-year papers and projects are looming? What do you do to help them (and you!) cope with acute stress?

 

The basics I'm working on here are sleeping, eating well, staying hydrated, and exercising. In addition, recognizing that there is value in making time for creative outlets such as drawing, writing, journaling, and spending time in nature, even in especially in times of stress.

 

In reality, not all of these happen every day and some days it seems almost none of them happen. I don't want to add to the stress by looking for perfection in every meal or expecting a daily hour-long communion with nature. I also don't want to give in to chaos. Balance, balance, balance.

 

How are things looking in your worlds?

 

We have not managed to prepare DD for the stress of her college. Her high school experience, despite rigorous DE classes at a four year university, was chill and low stress, because we had freedom of scheduling and spaced the test apart, and she was not actually challenged by the work. Even the fall of senior year with the college applications which seemed stressful pales in comparison to her current stress level.

I cannot think of anything we could have done to prepare her for real stress like she is experiencing now - short of mimicking such a scenario in our homeschool, which would not have matched our ideas of how high school should be. I would not have wanted to subject a younger teen to the grueling schedule she has now. Her class mates who are toughened up are the ones who went to pressure cooker high schools and had to pull all nighters back then already, but that would have been too much of a price to pay.

 

She survives not because we have taught her well, but because she is incredibly organized and disciplined and manages to juggle her insane work load because of that. The fact that she craves healthy foods in times of stress is luck. 

Edited April 25, 2017 by regentrude

[Rosyl]

Ironic that the stress topic follows the rest topic.

Time management really helps with both rest and stress.  My son has worked for the last 3 years and sometimes his start time interfered with accomplishing his schoolwork BEFORE he went to work.  He has a really good sense of what he can handle therefore I do defer to him, while not allowing him to wimp out. 

 

I also believe that stress can be eliminated with fun and exercise. 

 

When my husband was in the army they had mandatory fun days.  I used to think that was the stupidest thing.  What an oxymoron.  Now having been through extreme stress, I am a firm believer in mandatory fun. 

 

When things are stressful you have to take a break and have fun.  when you work from rest and rest from work the priorities and goals you are working towards become effortless. 

 

When we try to push through a situation (for the kids testing and papers due and for us providing the time for them complete their work, scheduling, grading, cleaning etc.), it creates that feeling of stress inside and the path to our goals and priorities become difficult giving the feeling of walking through mud.  That is where the time management comes in to play. 

 

If one plans their work and works their plan, plans their rest and works from that place rest that intense level of stress can be minimized..

[regentrude]

I also believe that stress can be eliminated with fun and exercise. 

 

When things are stressful you have to take a break and have fun.  when you work from rest and rest from work the priorities and goals you are working towards become effortless. 

 

If one plans their work and works their plan, plans their rest and works from that place rest that intense level of stress can be minimized..

 

Wow. "eliminated", "effortless", "minimized".  Isn't that a tad simplistic?

There is an amount of work where no degree of time management and planning will suffice to "eliminate" stress and make work "effortless". Sometimes there is just too.darn.much.work for that.

 

I do not think that telling my child she can eliminate stress with fun and exercise, or she should just plan better would do anything but cause more stress because it is saying "if you were just doing it right you would not be so stressed." Talk about pressure.

 

Sometimes the only solution to stress is to acknowledge that there simply is too much work to do it effortlessly and without stress, and to resign to the fact that the best thing one can manage is to handle the most urgent things and some of the others - and then quit. Sometimes the only way is to acknowledge that perfect is not possible because it is too much, and to accept that at times being stressed is normal and not a sign of our failure to plan better.

 

 

Edited April 26, 2017 by regentrude

[Rosyl]

Wow. "eliminated", "effortless", "minimized".  Isn't that a tad simplistic?

There is an amount of work where no degree of time management and planning will suffice to "eliminate" stress and make work "effortless". Sometimes there is just too.darn.much.work for that.

 

I do not think that telling my child she can eliminate stress with fun and exercise, or she should just plan better would do anything but cause more stress because it is saying "if you were just doing it right you would not be so stressed." Talk about pressure.

 

Sometimes the only solution to stress is to acknowledge that there simply is too much work to do it effortlessly and without stress, and to resign to the fact that the best thing one can manage is to handle the most urgent things and some of the others - and then quit. Sometimes the only way is to acknowledge that perfect is not possible because it is too much, and to accept that at times being stressed is normal and not a sign of our failure to plan better.

That is true. I realize it seems simplistic. However, sometimes the only way to find out if it is truly stress that can't be altered is to use time management and stress management skills. 

And isn't that what we are trying to teach our kids?

[regentrude]

That is true. I realize it seems simplistic. However, sometimes the only way to find out if it is truly stress that can't be altered is to use time management and stress management skills. 

And isn't that what we are trying to teach our kids?

 

Yes, we are trying to teach that. But even if we are successful with that, our kids may find themselves in a position where, despite outstanding time management skills, it is still not enough to tame the stress.

That's where I am currently at - which is why I wrote my previous post. What to do it it is truly stress that no amount of managing can make go away? If a student has developed high standards, how can she learn to say "this is good enough"? 

I don't think we teach this in our homeschools, because we raise them to strive for excellence, but are also careful not to overwhelm them with work load (in fact, this is a common tenor in posts here when homeschooled highschoolers are compared with ps highschoolers). And I would not want to have done it any other way. 

But how do we teach them to lower their standards when upholding them becomes impossible?

 

I realize that many students may never be in a situation where there is this much pressure. But some are. And I am a bit at a loss how I could have prepared my student for this.

[Rosyl]

Yes, we are trying to teach that. But even if we are successful with that, our kids may find themselves in a position where, despite outstanding time management skills, it is still not enough to tame the stress.

That's where I am currently at - which is why I wrote my previous post. What to do it it is truly stress that no amount of managing can make go away? If a student has developed high standards, how can she learn to say "this is good enough"? 

I don't think we teach this in our homeschools, because we raise them to strive for excellence, but are also careful not to overwhelm them with work load (in fact, this is a common tenor in posts here when homeschooled highschoolers are compared with ps highschoolers). And I would not want to have done it any other way. 

But how do we teach them to lower their standards when upholding them becomes impossible?

 

I realize that many students may never be in a situation where there is this much pressure. But some are. And I am a bit at a loss how I could have prepared my student for this.

In my opinion, learning to accept that sometimes one's best isn't going to be good enough is a fact of life.  It again sounds trite. 

 

I have had to learn that as an adult.  When you are able to say "I have done everything I can do in the time allotted. I did my best.  But it wasn't good enough,"  It's maturity.  That isn't failure. 

 

Striving for excellence is a stress that provides motivation. I don't think that lowering the standard is the answer, but accepting that the work they do is their best work even if an "A" wasn't given. One can have high standards and miss the mark.  they  can choose not to care, they can choose to overanalyze and over compensate or they can choose to admit their best wasn't good enough and figure out how to  make their best better.

[regentrude]

In my opinion, learning to accept that sometimes one's best isn't going to be good enough is a fact of life.  It again sounds trite. 

When you are able to say "I have done everything I can do in the time allotted. I did my best.  But it wasn't good enough,"  It's maturity.  That isn't failure.

 

I think we're getting into semantics here. What is failure, if not inability to achieve one's goal?

 

Striving for excellence is a stress that provides motivation. I don't think that lowering the standard is the answer, but accepting that the work they do is their best work even if an "A" wasn't given.

 

It is not about a grade at all; that is merely an external measure. I am talking about having to lower one's standards because the amount of work and time constraints make it impossible to perform according to one's own standards.

 

One can have high standards and miss the mark.  they  can choose not to care, they can choose to overanalyze and over compensate or they can choose to admit their best wasn't good enough and figure out how to  make their best better.

 

The bolded, again, means telling the student "if you just had done something differently, you might have made it". Sometimes there is no "different". There is no "more" or "better". It's just humanly impossible. And that is what I am talking about.

 

ETA: To clarify: none of this is about getting A's. It is about being under a tremendous amount of stress while performing at a high level.

Edited April 26, 2017 by regentrude

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Ironic that the stress topic follows the rest topic.

Time management really helps with both rest and stress.  My son has worked for the last 3 years and sometimes his start time interfered with accomplishing his schoolwork BEFORE he went to work.  He has a really good sense of what he can handle therefore I do defer to him, while not allowing him to wimp out. 

 

I also believe that stress can be eliminated with fun and exercise. 

 

When my husband was in the army they had mandatory fun days.  I used to think that was the stupidest thing.  What an oxymoron.  Now having been through extreme stress, I am a firm believer in mandatory fun. 

 

When things are stressful you have to take a break and have fun.  when you work from rest and rest from work the priorities and goals you are working towards become effortless. 

 

When we try to push through a situation (for the kids testing and papers due and for us providing the time for them complete their work, scheduling, grading, cleaning etc.), it creates that feeling of stress inside and the path to our goals and priorities become difficult giving the feeling of walking through mud.  That is where the time management comes in to play. 

 

If one plans their work and works their plan, plans their rest and works from that place rest that intense level of stress can be minimized..

 

My teen implemented something similar to a fun day for herself this year. At first I just thought she was slacking; I knew there was so much work to be done --  for her classes, for work, and for her other responsibilities. Eventually she explained what she was doing. She knew she had an incredible amount of work to do, but she also knew she couldn't just work non-stop all day, everyday. I've come to respect it as a sort of Sabbath. (A topic I hope to explore further in a future thread.)

 

10th grade has been a turning point in time management for her. She's still learning strategies, and time management doesn't completely eliminate the stress, but it definitely helps reduce and control it. 

[Woodland Mist Academy]

In my opinion, learning to accept that sometimes one's best isn't going to be good enough is a fact of life.  It again sounds trite. 

 

I have had to learn that as an adult.  When you are able to say "I have done everything I can do in the time allotted. I did my best.  But it wasn't good enough,"  It's maturity.  That isn't failure. 

 

Striving for excellence is a stress that provides motivation. I don't think that lowering the standard is the answer, but accepting that the work they do is their best work even if an "A" wasn't given. One can have high standards and miss the mark.  they  can choose not to care, they can choose to overanalyze and over compensate or they can choose to admit their best wasn't good enough and figure out how to  make their best better.

 

Well said.

 

Effective time management that reduces stress involves more than just planning what to do and when to do it. Beyond prioritizing and scheduling, effective time management also includes delegating, downgrading, deleting and debriefing.  Can someone else do this instead of me? Is this as important as I originally thought it was? Is this truly necessary? Looking back, did I make the best decisions given the situation? What should I do in a similar situation in the future? 

 

The first time my teen told me of school assignments she'd purposefully skipped or projects she'd turned down at the lab, I was stunned and dismayed. In the end, I was glad to see she had at least consciously made the decisions and was processing the outcomes. Learning to deal with both the expectations she has for herself and for the expectations others have for her is more important than any grade or score.

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Another thought...

 

Stress can provide a window into our inner selves:  What kind of stress motivates us? What kind slows us down? What is the right about of stress? Where is the edge -- any more is too much, any less is not enough...

 

Contemplating these questions can provide information that may help in answering the big questions high school students are faced with when choosing majors, colleges, and careers. Not everyone has the same level of stress tolerance. Not every stress-reducing strategy will be effective for every student. 

 

Nurture can only work with what nature has provided. Being honest with ourselves and with our students as they deal with stress during these years will not only help in the present, but it can potentially save some undue stress later on.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Woodland Mist Academy

[amymeg]

My daughter is finishing her 2nd year at college-engineering major, and this semester has been the most stressful for her. Nothing I could have done differently to prepare her for sick roommates, 6 exams starting on Thursday and ending on Sunday morning,and coping with a toxic environment that forced one roommate to move out days before finals. She us an excellent planner, studies smart, eats and exercises and has fun days with friends. But I am not sure this is enough. Life is messy and sometimes hard events just happen all at once. She will survive and learn from this experience, and be stronger because of it, though. And her faith will (hopefully) provide strength and stamina.

My other daughter has had chronic medical, mental issues her entire school since 3rd grade. At times I have struggled with guilt that I didn't push harder enough, didn't up the ante, treated her differently than my other three.....BUT, she IS graduating on time and actually cane out with a decent ACT despite "not pushing". She is wise beyond her years due to her chronic issues, and took time to self educate herself on many, many things because she had the time to do so. I am so grateful, looking back, that homeschooling was an option for her - she has developed into a competent, wise young woman.

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Life is messy and sometimes hard events just happen all at once. 

 

Absolutely! There's no way anyone can prepare precisely for the details of each and every stressful event.  

 

She will survive and learn from this experience, and be stronger because of it, though. And her faith will (hopefully) provide strength and stamina.

 

It sounds like she is doing the right things -- planning, eating well, exercising, taking time for fun. The final push of the year can be so tough...  It sounds like she's pulling through, though. Sometimes surviving, learning, and becoming stronger are what we need to keep our focus on -- especially if everything else falls from our line of sight...

 

Just keep swimming. It may sound trite, but sometimes in times of deep stress it's all we can do. One stroke, one breath at a time.

Edited May 3, 2017 by Woodland Mist Academy

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Here's a link to the newest thread:

 

Awe and Wonder

 

Thanks for starting it, Rosyl!

 

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Related to stress...I've been thinking lately how early stressful events can be somewhat like live vaccines. Unfortunately, the healthy dosage for any one person is difficult to pin down. Exposing a teen to unnecessary extreme stress can cause needless trauma and lasting harm. Conversely, overprotecting a teen from life's stresses can potentially cause greater stress in the future. If only stress came with a warning label and dosage instructions...