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FaithManor

My father passed away last night. It is finally over.

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Peace to your family and hugs for enduring family fallout.

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Thoughts and prayers. I am sorry for your loss but thankful that he is no longer in pain. Praying the family fallout will be minimal!  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

Edited by PuddleJumper1
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:grouphug:  I'm sorry Faith.  :grouphug:  It's been a difficult time, full of conflicting emotions for you. I hope you can deal with the family stuff. Hugs for your ds too. He's doing the right thing. I hope time will heal wounds with other family members and am glad you and your brother at least can support one another.

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I am so sorry for your loss. Even though there were rough times there is always a feeling of loss. Sadly family disfunction is common when one of the family passes, especially the elderly.

Your son is grown and has every right to make his decisions on his own. Maybe he doesn't want to remember his grandfather that way. Maybe he could send s quick video to the immediate family (or go as dad as play it at the funeral. .. up to him) this may help ease his thoughts and feelings to be better prepared for his tests. We talking his career here, I get it. I agree with him skipping out. But maybe if the sisters and mom were able to see a video from him like a memorable one about his grandfather, that may ease their feelings, as well as letting him move on for the moment to get through these tests. . Good luck again sorry for your loss and the troubles you are enduring due to it.

~JL

 

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Peace and best wishes to you and your family. :grouphug: 

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I'm glad that the passing was peaceful.  I hope the coming week is manageable and that you own family can do some repair in the time to come . What a sadness.

 

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I am so sorry for your loss. Even though there were rough times there is always a feeling of loss. Sadly family disfunction is common when one of the family passes, especially the elderly.

Your son is grown and has every right to make his decisions on his own. Maybe he doesn't want to remember his grandfather that way. Maybe he could send s quick video to the immediate family (or go as far as play it at the funeral. .. up to him) this may help ease his thoughts and feelings to be better prepared for his tests. We're talking about his career here, I get it. I agree with him skipping out. But maybe if the sisters and mom were able to see a video from him like a memorable one about his grandfather, that may ease their feelings, as well as letting him move on for the moment to get through these tests. . Good luck again sorry for your loss and the troubles you are enduring due to it.

~JL

 

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I am so sorry for your loss. Even though there were rough times there is always a feeling of loss. Sadly family disfunction is common when one of the family passes, especially the elderly.

Your son is grown and has every right to make his decisions on his own. Maybe he doesn't want to remember his grandfather that way. Maybe he could send s quick video to the immediate family (or go as far as play it at the funeral. .. up to him) this may help ease his thoughts and feelings to be better prepared for his tests. We're talking about his career/future here, I get it. I agree with him skipping out. But maybe if the sisters and mom were able to see a video from him like a memorable one about his grandfather, that may ease their feelings, as well as letting him move on for the moment to get through these tests. . Good luck again sorry for your loss and the troubles you are enduring due to it.

~JL

 

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Many, many hugs & prayers to you and your family from me.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling because neither of my college age kids could come home to say good bye when my mom was diagnosed with cancer last year nor could they attend the funeral 6 weeks later.  Yes,  snarky comments were made, but as kooky as it sounds I used a little visualization to get through it.

 

I would visualize myself sitting in the pew at church or at the gravesite after events and I covered that image of myself with a transparent bubble of light that represented the love of my dh & my kids.  Whenever someone came along and made a hurtful remark I imagined their remark to be muddy water that they were splashing on me.  The more hurtful the comment, the darker the mud, but it couldn't reach me inside my bubble.  None of their hurtful words could stick.  It all just slid away to the ground, leaving me surrounded by the light of the love of my family & my faith.

 

I know that there are those who would say I should have stood up to those people for myself and my daughters but I didn't have the emotional energy to engage right then, and I already knew who would be the perpetrators and no matter what I said, I would not change them.  I even found that later I couldn't remember what was said exactly so I didn't hold a grudge or have my feelings hurt.  People who are grieving say some dreadful things anyway.

 

So now that I have outed myself as a little hippy-dippy, feel free to borrow my bubble idea and add the light of those here in the hive who care about you.

 

I am sending healing thoughts & prayers to you.

 

Amber in SJ

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Thank you so much everyone. It was a bit of a trial to get through the funeral planning part today. My sister has always been an indecisive person. She can be difficult to take shopping on a normal day so this was just indecision on steroids! Mom did okay but then go overwhelmed. My brother and I tried to step in, but man sis was difficult.

 

What should have taken an hour took three hours, and ended up more expensive than necessary. This was a particular frustration for us. It will take 30+ days to get the burial benefit from their piddly insurance policy. The buyer for the business is just paying enough to break even. So she will have only $15,000 from that policy and is spending half of it to bury him!!! She could have cremated for $1000.00 and then just a simple, virtually no cost memorial service. Instead $400 for the burial plot, $400 to open and close the grave, $1250 for a casket, $1000 for the vault, $3000 in funeral fees including embalming, programs, obituaries -$60 per newspaper - gratuity for the VGW post to do the military honors, the Air Force is providing the flag folding ceremony for free, body transport, pastor gratuity of $100. Sales tax. And this was SIMPLE. No flowers unless some of their friends send them.

 

So yikes. We had to wait until Monday to have the funeral because all graveside fees and transport are double on the weekend.

 

Very dear friends of my mom have arrived and generously offered to deal with tomorrow and Saturday so I can have a break. I am taking them up on that.

 

At any rate, come Monday I will be at the piano bench where I belong. The one amazing thing he did for me was fund endless years of piano lessons, band, instruments, music, front row at recitald, and many times a big financial sacrifice to do it too. So that funeral will have the very best music.

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Big hugs Faith. I will pray that the next few days go smoothly and that there can be some healing for you and for others in the family.

 

I think the verse "blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted" applies just as truthfully when the mourning is over not so much the death of a loved one as over broken hearts and broken lives and broken relationships. I pray for that comfort for you and yours.

 

Goodness, that just struck me in the deep parts. Thank you for saying that, Maize.

 

Faith, you are in my thoughts. Lots of love.

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:grouphug:  -- This is for your loss.

:grouphug: --  And this is for the strength to deal with your relatives.

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At any rate, come Monday I will be at the piano bench where I belong. The one amazing thing he did for me was fund endless years of piano lessons, band, instruments, music, front row at recitald, and many times a big financial sacrifice to do it too. So that funeral will have the very best music.

 

Faith, one of the things I struggled with was what to say to people who loved my elderly relatives, something truthful that would not convey the depths of our disappointment and regrets in a pair of our family relationships. It was particularly difficult with people who were close enough to know the tip of the iceberg of the dysfunction, because I felt like they were listening with a bit of knowledge, so I hated to be hypocritical and pretend that things were what they were not.

 

What you wrote above could be your go-to comment, one that would allow you to "make occasion-appropriate noises" without airing publicly the rest of the sorry relational mess he created.  (ETA:  not that you would go there anyway...we know you to be gracious.)

 

Another coping strategy:  my husband took pictures of one of our prickly relatives in the last few years of life, and that was his way of honoring the deceased: we had the most lovely pictures of the person on display (8x10s), ones that all the family members wanted copies of, because they were such a good way to remember him.

 

Strength and courage to you, Faith.

Edited by Halftime Hope
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First of all, my sincere condolences.  So sorry for your loss...

 

When my dad died, my eldest ds was in the midst of finals, as well.  He also stayed at school due to inability to reschedule exams.  My dad would have wanted it that way, too.   I'm sorry that your ds is dealing with this right now.  I pray his tests go well and he joins you soon.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  for you and your family during this time.  

Edited by readinmom
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So that funeral will have the very best music.

I was not at your emotional difficulty, but my parent's death was awful and the fallout terrible. Bless the quiet, the peace, and play your heart out. Not for your parent, but for you. My final days with my dying parent were for myself. To give me peace during a rough time. All your posts tell me you are a loving, giving daughter. :grouphug:

 

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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:grouphug:  I am sorry. 

 

Family grief reactions can be so hard.

 

Possible suggestion for son: Could he write a tribute to his grandfather to be read at the service? 

 

 

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:grouphug: I am sorry.

 

Family grief reactions can be so hard.

 

Possible suggestion for son: Could he write a tribute to his grandfather to be read at the service?

There is very little he could say that would be appropriate. My father figure singled out this son as the grandchild he did not like and was unkind, unloving, and at one point two years ago said some things that simply can't be taken back. It was horrible. Terms like "waste of skin" was hurled our dear boy's way. Father figure was cut off from our sons due to that, his contact with me became increasingly more limited until I finally stepped back in to help my mom which meant subjecting myself to a tremendous amount of insult and hate from him. To say that ds is not upset about losing this man would be to make a great understatement. He loves his grandmother, but his own internal honesty and ethics will not allow him to lie and act as though he and his grandfather had any modicum of relationship.

 

I would not be willing to put the stress on him to come up with something like this either. So I just deal with the crazy elements in my family who want to pretend everything was wonderful.

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There is very little he could say that would be appropriate. My father figure singled out this son as the grandchild he did not like and was unkind, unloving, and at one point two years ago said some things that simply can't be taken back. It was horrible. Terms like "waste of skin" was hurled our dear boy's way. Father figure was cut off from our sons due to that, his contact with me became increasingly more limited until I finally stepped back in to help my mom which meant subjecting myself to a tremendous amount of insult and hate from him. To say that ds is not upset about losing this man would be to make a great understatement. He loves his grandmother, but his own internal honesty and ethics will not allow him to lie and act as though he and his grandfather had any modicum of relationship.

 

I would not be willing to put the stress on him to come up with something like this either. So I just deal with the crazy elements in my family who want to pretend everything was wonderful.

I was just wondering if that son was the one. No one should ever be forced to play nice to their abuser or abuser's memory.
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I was just wondering if that son was the one. No one should ever be forced to play nice to their abuser or abuser's memory.

Thank you. I appreciate the reminder. My son may be 18 now, an adult, but I still have the responsibility to run interference with my unbalanced relatives.

 

It is difficult to reconcile the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde thing that was my father figure. I have a lot of good childhood memories, not a bad childhood at all. But he turned into something else later, was abusive to my sister who is much, much younger than my brother and I, and ended up destroying his relationship with me, my husband, and our kids. My sister is so messed up, and is just play acting the crazy out of this like he was God's gift to fatherhood, and angry that I do not play along. The thing is I do not bring up the horrific stuff at all. I am doing my duty willingly, and putting up with the most tremendous amount of stress on their behalf, but the anger thrown my way, ds's way, and even my dh's way for not also putting in an academy award winning performance for "dad of the year dies and is heroically memorialized" is so bizarre, as if reality has been entirely set aside as though they now live in some Leave It to Beaver parallel universe, and I am the evil witch who invaded utopia. My brother does not know what to do. He had a stroke in September and mild heart attack in March so his health if very poor right now. Going along with their crazy is a matter of survival for him. He wrote a eulogy for the pastor to read that is just wildly unreal. Oh well. I am okay with whatever he needs to do to get through. It is just so hard to be the one that has to do something else to survive, and that something else is not acceptable to them, nor do they care.

 

And my abusive sister in law has started in on vicious insults hurled my way. I am pretty thick skinned, and none of what spills out of her mouth is true, but when it bombards you from all sides because you have become every unbalanced person's kicking post, it is brutal.

 

I am just trying to hang on to Sunday. I have a dear uncle, someone who has always been my champion supporter, who will arrive then, and his back up along with DH who unfortunately had to work a ton extra for GM due to an IT issue Thursday and Friday so wasn't available, may make some of them shut up for a while. I also have the most amazing nephew who seriously does not put up with crap. I am very close with he and his dear wife. They arrive tonight and will be taking on the "shutting up of sister in law" who is nephew's step mom. So help is on the way. I just have to make it until my back up squad gets here.

 

It may seem lame and irresponsible, but I am ditching mom, sis, bro, sister in law, and mentally ill aunt today in favor of cleaning my kitchen and bathroom. The two ds's here would happily do it for me so it really is nothing more than a sad excuse, but I am doing it anyway. Dh insists he is taking me out tonight. They are having a family dinner, the thought of which exhausts me. The boys have excuses. One ds has a rehearsal tonight for his concert in three weeks, the other a NASA document due on Monday that he must finish editing. So they will not be attending either.

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Not lame or irresponsible at all, you need a break from the craziness.

 

And your presence would not actually help anyone else. You'd be sacrificing yourself for nothing.

 

I think what you're seeing with family members' need to idealize and eulogize is just evidence of the general irrationality that is human behavior. We tend to be much more ruled by emotion than reason; sounds to me like people are twisting their own perceptions of reality to make them conform to their current emotional needs. Which...is just what humans do.

Edited by maize
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Not lame or irresponsible at all, you need a break from the craziness.

 

And your presence would not actually help anyone else. You'd be sacrificing yourself for nothing.

 

I think what you're seeing with family members' need to idealize and eulogize is just evidence of the general irrationality that is human behavior. We tend to be much more ruled by emotion than reason; sounds to me like people are twisting their own perceptions of reality to make them conform to their current emotional needs. Which...is just what humans do.

Thank you for the reminder Maize.

 

I should be able to remember how true this is. Sigh...

 

I am just wearing out from being the kicking post. 

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I am just wearing out from being the kicking post.

Anyone would.

 

Don't feel guilty about taking whatever breaks and putting whatever boundaries in place you can.

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Thank you. I appreciate the reminder. My son may be 18 now, an adult, but I still have the responsibility to run interference with my unbalanced relatives.

 

It is difficult to reconcile the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde thing that was my father figure. I have a lot of good childhood memories, not a bad childhood at all. But he turned into something else later, was abusive to my sister who is much, much younger than my brother and I, and ended up destroying his relationship with me, my husband, and our kids. My sister is so messed up, and is just play acting the crazy out of this like he was God's gift to fatherhood, and angry that I do not play along. The thing is I do not bring up the horrific stuff at all. I am doing my duty willingly, and putting up with the most tremendous amount of stress on their behalf, but the anger thrown my way, ds's way, and even my dh's way for not also putting in an academy award winning performance for "dad of the year dies and is heroically memorialized" is so bizarre, as if reality has been entirely set aside as though they now live in some Leave It to Beaver parallel universe, and I am the evil witch who invaded utopia. My brother does not know what to do. He had a stroke in September and mild heart attack in March so his health if very poor right now. Going along with their crazy is a matter of survival for him. He wrote a eulogy for the pastor to read that is just wildly unreal. Oh well. I am okay with whatever he needs to do to get through. It is just so hard to be the one that has to do something else to survive, and that something else is not acceptable to them, nor do they care.

 

And my abusive sister in law has started in on vicious insults hurled my way. I am pretty thick skinned, and none of what spills out of her mouth is true, but when it bombards you from all sides because you have become every unbalanced person's kicking post, it is brutal.

 

I am just trying to hang on to Sunday. I have a dear uncle, someone who has always been my champion supporter, who will arrive then, and his back up along with DH who unfortunately had to work a ton extra for GM due to an IT issue Thursday and Friday so wasn't available, may make some of them shut up for a while. I also have the most amazing nephew who seriously does not put up with crap. I am very close with he and his dear wife. They arrive tonight and will be taking on the "shutting up of sister in law" who is nephew's step mom. So help is on the way. I just have to make it until my back up squad gets here.

 

It may seem lame and irresponsible, but I am ditching mom, sis, bro, sister in law, and mentally ill aunt today in favor of cleaning my kitchen and bathroom. The two ds's here would happily do it for me so it really is nothing more than a sad excuse, but I am doing it anyway. Dh insists he is taking me out tonight. They are having a family dinner, the thought of which exhausts me. The boys have excuses. One ds has a rehearsal tonight for his concert in three weeks, the other a NASA document due on Monday that he must finish editing. So they will not be attending either.

You are in survival mode. Do what ya gotta do, including avoiding everyone until the actual funeral service.

 

I imagine that if I were you, I would have already reached the point of outright telling them all, "Enough. Y'all settle down and leave me alone or I will stand up and give a public eulogy in which I will drag every skeleton out of every closet and the local gossips will have material for a decade."

 

Breathe deep, it will be done soon. Stay mission minded, you can get through it. After the funeral do whatever it takes to recover your own life, health and sanity, even if it means a temporary (or permanent) wall of separation.

 

I am so sorry this is dragging on.

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So sorry, Faith. Take every break you can from the craziness. I respect that you don't feel you can push back against the ugly behavior right now. (You shouldn't have to be dealing with it in the first place.) But maybe your DH, uncle, and other relatives who "get it" can work out some arrangement so that one of them is always by your side when you're in the presence of these people at least over the next few days. That way, they can buffer and run interference and, as needed, shut down the insulting, ugly comments on the spot. You should not have to be the target.

 

Dealing with the death of a family member is hard enough. Factor in the complicated dynamics and what you've been through the last few months makes it worse. The spiteful ugliness? I'd be tempted to tell them to go to hell at this point, and I'm about as nonconfrontational as it gets. But I get you can't do that, so I hope you're surrounded by protectors. You're a good, unselfish, tremendously caring person to have given and to continue to give so much of yourself. 

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You all are so wonderful! I will never, ever forget the support you have shown and the solid advice at a time when I cannot get my brain to engage. You have provided a very real safe place for me to get it all off my chest.

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Cleaning sounds like the best thing to do. Take a break from the crazies and know that your presence there would only offer them more of a post to kick. Glad to hear your backup crew is on the way and that DH is taking you out tonight.

 

:grouphug:

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Thinking of you today, Faith. I pray you get some needed rest.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I am so sorry for your loss, Faith, especially for the loss of the father and grandfather your family deserved to have.  Prayers for you as you make your way through the difficult days ahead.

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It's good you can focus on playing at the funeral. Perhaps that will you ignore the crazy around you.

 

I hope you can get through Monday and quickly get back to your life. ((Hugs))

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You have all your priorities straight. You are doing everything better than I could have done myself.  Your children and dh are #1 right now, and you are putting them first. I have seen a thousand threads where people had to be reminded to do  this, but you did it without being nagged, lol. You ROCK! You are everyone's hero here, you go!

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