swellmomma Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 So my mother decided to spring big news on me and my siblings in a facebook group chat. A group message to say " hey dad and I are doing a trial separation". Wtf. Not even a personal message (though it should have been a phone call), but a freaking group chat. So beyond angry right now. Not to mention when I left my drunk abusove husband she gave me grief for over 2yrs about how wrong it is to end a marriage. When my sister's marriage ended 5 yrs ago she never shut up about it. She is still giving sister a hard time. She gave brother sympathy when his ended since it was his wife that left him. Now she says they have grown apart so are separating. Freaking hypocrite. I have no sympathy for her just anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macmacmoo Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Hugs I use to feel that mass text messages for big news was a no no till I was the position and realized it was the best route for the situation at hand. For me the incident at hand was taking up all my attention. I didn't have the mental resources to talk to everyone individual and constantly give everyone their own update. I got flack. people complained. but I valued them enough that I wanted to keep them in the know. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 14, 2017 Author Share Posted April 14, 2017 Hugs I use to feel that mass text messages for big news was a no no till I was the position and realized it was the best route for the situation at hand. For me the incident at hand was taking up all my attention. I didn't have the mental resources to talk to everyone individual and constantly give everyone their own update. I got flack. people complained. but I valued them enough that I wanted to keep them in the know. It would have taken only a few minutes to phone and say "I can't talk about this right now but you deserve to know personally that dad and I are splitting". Do a mass message for the other relatives, whatever. But you do not tell your children their parents are separating via a group chat. I don't care entrenched you are in your emotions about it. Show some respect to your kids and pull your head out of your arse long enough to tell them something like that properly. As far as my.mom is concerned this is final nail in coffin for our relationship. People who have known me on here for years have an inkling what that relationship is like. All I care right now is either finding a new place to live or getting the title to this place finally signed over to me. Since my folks own the title, even though I am the one paying for the mortgage, renos etc. If they divorce it will be sold off as marital property and I will be screwed. Time to make sure me and my kids are protected in this mess because clearly she lacks any respect for us at all to have a two minute convo, she will have no problem pulling the rug out from under me again with little more than a facebook message. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I'm so sorry. That's terribly hurtful and you absolutely deserved a call. You are smart to protect yourself and your kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 You deserve to feel self protective. Since she really hurt you deeply with her judgmental behavior you were really thrown under the bus. Which is probably WHY she did group chat. She knew you and your sis would be unsympathetic. Which you deserve to be at this point. I'd stay far away. Far, far away. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 All I care right now is either finding a new place to live or getting the title to this place finally signed over to me. Since my folks own the title, even though I am the one paying for the mortgage, renos etc. If they divorce it will be sold off as marital property and I will be screwed. Time to make sure me and my kids are protected in this mess because clearly she lacks any respect for us at all to have a two minute convo, she will have no problem pulling the rug out from under me again with little more than a facebook message. Ouch. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I hope they'd rather you had it than each other had it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Wow. I can totally understand being pissed in that situation! I think I would be in shock. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I would be upset as well. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 So my mother decided to spring big news on me and my siblings in a facebook group chat. A group message to say " hey dad and I are doing a trial separation". Wtf. Not even a personal message (though it should have been a phone call), but a freaking group chat. So beyond angry right now. Not to mention when I left my drunk abusove husband she gave me grief for over 2yrs about how wrong it is to end a marriage. When my sister's marriage ended 5 yrs ago she never shut up about it. She is still giving sister a hard time. She gave brother sympathy when his ended since it was his wife that left him. Now she says they have grown apart so are separating. Freaking hypocrite. I have no sympathy for her just anger. Well, I feel for you. I am familiar with the anger and the double-mindedness. So sorry that it wasn't more personal. My FIL told dh and I that he was divorcing MIL the day that dh left for Army Basic Training several years ago (that was in September). MIL was also at this event and had no idea. It wasn't until three months later that FIL finally told MIL, dh was still at Basic and I was waiting for the other show to drop, trying to pretend everything was normal. Suffice it to say that dh and FIL do not have a good relationship. He is a POS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 It would have taken only a few minutes to phone and say "I can't talk about this right now but you deserve to know personally that dad and I are splitting". Do a mass message for the other relatives, whatever. But you do not tell your children their parents are separating via a group chat. I don't care entrenched you are in your emotions about it. Show some respect to your kids and pull your head out of your arse long enough to tell them something like that properly. As far as my.mom is concerned this is final nail in coffin for our relationship. People who have known me on here for years have an inkling what that relationship is like. All I care right now is either finding a new place to live or getting the title to this place finally signed over to me. Since my folks own the title, even though I am the one paying for the mortgage, renos etc. If they divorce it will be sold off as marital property and I will be screwed. Time to make sure me and my kids are protected in this mess because clearly she lacks any respect for us at all to have a two minute convo, she will have no problem pulling the rug out from under me again with little more than a facebook message. Oh gosh. I hope you get that title signed over quickly. :grouphug: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 So sorry. I really hope you and your dc come through this with as little pain and annoyance as possible. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mominco Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) I am betting she gave you and your sister such a hard time because she wanted to leave your dad. And statistically speaking, it is unlikely that they simply grew apart. She probably doesn't want to discuss anything so she made it a group message to keep from any actual discussions. If I have to get out news but don't want to field insults or discuss it, I will send a group text. Edited April 14, 2017 by Janeway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebbyribs Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Your mom told you via group chat and your dad didn't bother to say anything at all? Sheesh! I hope the house situation works out well for you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I am sorry that your parents handled this news so poorly. It is frustrating and hurtful. Most likely your mom was avoiding confrontation and took the easy way out. I hope you are able to move past the anger soon as you move forward with protecting yourself and your kids from this debacle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Wow. I am very sorry. That is quite hurtful. And the hypocrisy would also burn me up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I am sorry. Are you also angry at your dad? You don't mention him contacting you about the separation at all. Seems to me that would be more hurtful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) I can sympathize. When my parents divorced in the late 1990's, my father sent my sisters and me a registered letter to let us know what was going on. *roll my eyes* Edited April 14, 2017 by Kinsa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 14, 2017 Author Share Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) I am sorry. Are you also angry at your dad? You don't mention him contacting you about the separation at all. Seems to me that would be more hurtful. My dad never ever contacts people this way. He is the "strong silent type" We were scheduled to stay at their place next weekend because my daughter has a dance competition closer to their place than mine. He would have said something then if he was going to say anything. Generally he leaves it up to mom to be the mouth piece. And he supported me through my separation and divorce. And is the reason I have this house. My mom was against them helping me. So no I don't have the same level of anger at him. Anyway sister contacted me. Told me how I supposed to feel, and told me she thinks it was dads idea. Imo he likely got as fed up with her crap as we have been. So for now I am in a circle the wagons type mode. Unfriended mom and sister on fb and just dealing things my way. And cancelled our trip in next weekend. We will just drive the 2hours each way both saturday and sunday and just stay away from that whole mess. Boundaries are a great thing. Edited April 14, 2017 by swellmomma 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I'm so sorry for the news, the bad delivery, and the wounds that it has opened for you. I'm shocked that you didn't have your mother's support when you were leaving an addictive, abusive spouse. That must have been so painful. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 15, 2017 Author Share Posted April 15, 2017 (edited) Ugh, typed out a long reply and it didn't post. So had it out with sister today. Set boundary there and taught her about I statements. Talked to mom. Told her exactly how I felt. Turns out dad WAS calling to tell us personally. Brother got told. Dad wanted to wait until sister and I got home from work to call us. Mom did what she did like the control freak she is, and jumped the gun to tell us all. Got her to see how disrespectful it was. How ds18 saw before me. And flat out conveyed that not only have all 3of us sibs had to make that phone call/in person annnouncement of separation/divorce and face her judgement but I also had to do so with each pregnancy and my miscarriage. None of us took the cowardly way out even knowjng she would give us a hard time. She acknowledged I was right. I flat out asked if I need to be preparing to move. She says they will not sell it out from under me. I plan to ask dad to either get a notorized letter stating the same or have him sign the title over to me. Told her I don't care if it sounds selfish to bring it up like that i have a family to protect and their welfare comes before hers for me. Then taught her about I statements, she and sister are vey much alike in how they communicate and can't understand why everyone shuts down and gets mad at them. Well thats why. If you speak in a way filled with judgement and dictating how people should think, feel and live they shut down and get defensive. If you use I statements the conversation remains open. My sister felt she was just sharing her emotions abbout it all. But her phrasing was not that way. It dismissed my feelings and told me how to feel. Mom gets the same way. If you want open communication with people I statements are neccessary. So it was an emotionally draining morning (arguing with sister started at 730am when she contacted me). But ended with boundaries in place, clear emotions shared without harshness, and a nap this afternoon. Still have a low grade headache due to the stress, but that is easier to fix than relationships are. Edited April 15, 2017 by swellmomma 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Big hugs. And hoping that title gets transferred...I think that would be safest. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.