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Am I just old, or is this inappropriate?


MedicMom
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I was born in 1981, so texting was very new(and expensive) in my mid20s. I text a lot, but not about important stuff.

I have a sister who is in her mid 20s. She's married, with a baby, and honestly has a history of just being clueless and oblivious to life in general. She's sweet and not malicious, but is generally oblivious to anyone outside of her social circle....her nickname has always been Amelia Bedelia. Her husband works for the company my dad owns but my dad is not his immediate supervisor.

In any case, she doesn't have much to do with us as her family--we are a large and close family so we feel it, but I generally think it's just her usual happy oblivion.

 

Tonight, out of the blue, she sent my parents a text saying they are moving 800 miles away in three weeks. Her husband sent my dad a text offering his resignation and oh yeah, please pass it on to immediate supervisor. My parents are super old school and are stunned(and hurt) that they were told over text. She then announced it on Facebook which is how my sisters and I found out.

 

Is this just how things are done today? My mom asked me and I honestly don't know. Do people just text important information like this? We're all totally baffled...

 

Edited to add: generally my sister has some sense of politeness, and she has no idea why everyone is so upset about her texting instead of a phone call or a visit(we don't live far apart, and my parents are of the opinion this would have been better in person). She insists that it's how everyone is spreading any and all information. Also, my parents don't really text. My mom has only learned how to text in the last year and generally doesn't remember to check the texts on her phone. She pretty much only learned how once she realized it was a fast way of getting grandkids pictures. So there is no family culture of regular texting our parents and communicating that way. We all know Mom prefers phone calls, so in general we respect that.

Edited by MedicMom
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Well that's a shock! I'm not sure it can be called a real resignation. I would say most people would have family in the loop before they moved. I wonder if it's rather impulsive? I think announcing by FB is used for a wider audience. My 20 somethings would not announce something major to family by text. And they text more than talk on the phone. Is this just part of her general cluelessness?  :grouphug:

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I'm 3 years younger than you (and texting (SMS) became common when I was in high school), and no, that's not how you resign from your job if you ever hope to get a good reference from them in the future. Nor how to keep your in-laws happy. 

 

ETA: If we were to move, I might let my in-laws know by text (okay, I wouldn't because I don't really text them), but a) we already live a 20 hour drive from them, so it doesn't really affect them at all if we were to move, and b) we're not employed in their business. So, I don't think it's necessarily wrong to let them know by text that you're moving, but if you live right near them and talk with them all the time and are employed by them, then I do think it's likely to be bad for your relationship to let them know by text. 

Edited by luuknam
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I'm five years older. We move a lot so telling my family where we're headed via group email or text or Facebook is perfectly normal and acceptable. That's how we keep in touch (timezone issues). I would never resign from a job that way tho. It's incredibly unprofessional, family business or no. Written notice should be delivered to the immediate supervisor, not the in-laws. 

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I would have loved to be able to give my resignations that way, but I don't think it's quite right, even today.  :)  It's done in person if possible, by phone if the boss is located far away.

 

And telling the fam, yeah, I would have tried to do it by phone.  Face-to-face if they see each other in person often.

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If you were military and got orders and it was all expected, maybe... but for a big decision move -- yeah YOU CALL YOUR PARENTS. Maybe not your siblings (They might get a text), but definitely your parents. CALL YOUR PARENTS, PEOPLE.

 

And if one of my kids told me they turned in a resignation to a job via text ... oh my, no... just no.

 

 

(But I am older LOL and not on facebook because I think this kind of thing is not good for building relationships -- 'posting your announcement for all to see rather than contacting those close to you directly', is an example I've cited before LOL)

 

 

Edited by theelfqueen
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I'm five years older. We move a lot so telling my family where we're headed via group email or text or Facebook is perfectly normal and acceptable. That's how we keep in touch (timezone issues). I would never resign from a job that way tho. It's incredibly unprofessional, family business or no. Written notice should be delivered to the immediate supervisor, not the in-laws.

Another of my sisters is an Army wife, and most of our communication with her is done by text or Facebook due to time zone issues. When PCS'ing that's often how she's told us of their next duty station; and that just feels totally different to me. Maybe it isn't?

It just seems bizarre. And it's possible I'm old.

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My children are in their late twenties & early thirties. I would be HIGHLY disturbed if I heard this kind of information from a child that lived near me via text!!

 

Anne

My mother is really upset. Not about the move(several of us have moved all over) but the delivery method.

I was hoping maybe to comfort her by telling her it's what all the young adults are doing these days lol.

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Tonight, out of the blue, she sent my parents a text saying they are moving 800 miles away in three weeks. Her husband sent my dad a text offering his resignation and oh yeah, please pass it on to immediate supervisor. My parents are super old school and are stunned(and hurt) that they were told over text. She then announced it on Facebook which is how my sisters and I found out.

 

Is this just how things are done today? My mom asked me and I honestly don't know. Do people just text important information like this? We're all totally baffled...

 

Edited to add: generally my sister has some sense of politeness, and she has no idea why everyone is so upset about her texting instead of a phone call or a visit(we don't live far apart, and my parents are of the opinion this would have been better in person). She insists that it's how everyone is spreading any and all information.

don't tell me that you were born in 1981 and are old.   I got married in 1982.

 

uh, no. they don't. four of my kids are adults. two are in college (one lives here, one elsewhere - I hear more from him about what he's doing than the one who lives here.)  two own their own home.  one lives in another state - she's the most likely to text, but that developed in grad school.  when dsil got a job and they'd be moving from WA to TX - they CALLED.  oh, annnd. . . . they were talking about the job from when he had his first interview.   we heard about this, via voice (in person or phone) the whole way through.

 

it is HIS responsibility to inform his supervisor (*not* your dad's. ) your dad should tell him if he wants to be an adult in the working world, - HE need to put on his big boy pants and tell his supervisor himself - and NOT via text!  sheesh.   this sounds a lot more about "how to avoid talking to his supervisor".

this is not professional behavior. at. all.

 

I would suspect this has been in the works for awhile- and they're cowards about talking to people.

 

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To be fair to my brother in law, he grew up Amish and this is his first job since leaving the church. He may very well not have any idea how to resign, and thought it was appropriate since my sister thought texting my parents the news was appropriate. My sister has never had more than a nannying job, and it wouldn't occur to her that this is not how you resign from a job.

She's insisting this is just how people communicate these days and it's no different than a phone call.

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if you think this is due to his own lack of experience, It becomes even more important he learn correct business etiquette. - he still needs to be told that is NOT how professional relationships are handled.  ever.  you, your dad, whomever, would be doing him a favor.

 

the only people who text all the time - are not in positions of authority in the business world.

eta: I'm not saying they don't text - I'm saying they have actual conversations when it matters.

I'm not in the slightest surprised your sister has only ever worked as a nanny.   I have a (silly) niece who works as a nanny - and she has a college degree.

Edited by gardenmom5
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Another of my sisters is an Army wife, and most of our communication with her is done by text or Facebook due to time zone issues. When PCS'ing that's often how she's told us of their next duty station; and that just feels totally different to me. Maybe it isn't?

It just seems bizarre. And it's possible I'm old.

 

Meh, I don't think it's that different. I don't necessarily want to get into a long drawn out discussion about the whys and hows of my life. Even when I was in the same town as my mom and sister, one or the other of them would text me with some announcement or other. My only question was how can I help/support you with that? I literally got a text from my sister last month that said, "Just wanted to let you know that mom is going to have surgery next month. I know she wasn't going to mention it." When DH and I eloped, for ex, all my MIL wanted was to see a copy of our marriage license to make sure it was legit. We'd never before met or spoken. This may be just my family being weird tho. We're super independent introverts and don't get heavily involved/invested in each other's life choices. If we need details, we follow up via phone or email. To be clear, I think the resignation bit is an entirely separate issue.

Edited by Sneezyone
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I would never resign from a job by text. I would never foist off informing my immediate supervisor that I am resigning onto a relative. I just asked DH and he said no one in his industry would do this unless they wanted a reputation as a flake and a coward. Please make sure someone informs this young man how a professional does it.

 

As for your sister informing the family, probably depends on the family these days. I wouldn't tell my family, especially my parents, that way. But I have seen it done in other families. I guess your mom could talk to her and explain that while this may be common for others in her circle it was hurtful to her and she would hope in future to be told in person or by phone of major changes. Being honest but not angry may help prevent something else like this from happening in the future and upsetting your mom again.

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Resigning via text absolutely not. Texting to announce a move yes in my family that would be fine. And we are a small kinda sorta close family. Mostly me or my sibs would have told mom via phone and she would have told everyone before we ever had a chance to contact the next family member.

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My mother is really upset. Not about the move(several of us have moved all over) but the delivery method.

I was hoping maybe to comfort her by telling her it's what all the young adults are doing these days lol.

If I were your mom, I would be very upset, too. :grouphug:

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I don't believe resigning by text is appropriate.

 

I know you don't resign to someone who is not your supervisor and say "pass it on." A resignation should be directed to a supervisor.

 

What each family does for communication is going to be different. Personally, I think a phone call would have been warranted.

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I'm 30, and resigning via text is not appropriate at all in my book. That seems unprofessional and screams that you can not handle important decisions maturely. The moving this g is a bit different. I think k that has to do more with family culture. I would certainly send a text to my family telling them if I'm moving but it would be understood that all the details would come out the next time I saw them, which would be days away because I see my parents and local siblings at least once a week, usually twice. For the sibling who are out of town, one I'd call and give details the other 2 would hear it through mom or Facebook.

 

But if that isn't your culture and your mom prefers a call then your sister was rude.

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Texting big news is fine in my family - it allows everyone to hear the information at the same time so nobody feels left out.

 

I'd assume that the job issue is cultural. He may not know that texting is unprofessional. I don't think it is entirely bizarre to give resignation notice directly to the business owner, but telling your supervisor is obviously necessary too. I hope your dad will take some time to explain how to do it better next time.

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Meh, I don't think it's that different. I don't necessarily want to get into a long drawn out discussion about the whys and hows of my life. Even when I was in the same town as my mom and sister, one or the other of them would text me with some announcement or other. My only question was how can I help/support you with that? I literally got a text from my sister last month that said, "Just wanted to let you know that mom is going to have surgery next month. I know she wasn't going to mention it." When DH and I eloped, for ex, all my MIL wanted was to see a copy of our marriage license to make sure it was legit. We'd never before met or spoken. This may be just my family being weird tho. We're super independent introverts and don't get heavily involved/invested in each other's life choices. If we need details, we follow up via phone or email. To be clear, I think the resignation bit is an entirely separate issue.

I think similarly and I expect I am about Mom's age. I don't think it gains anything to get upset about how other adults choose to share their own news. My adult children get to make their own decisions, even if they are not the way I would do things. Ultimately, their decisions are not about me and I am aware that they are under no obligation to keep me in the loop. The job resignation is different but that is not even really about your parents. Maybe they should text back that SIL needs to tell his supervisor himself?

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I do think the times they are a-changing in this respect. (I mean, our President does set a bad example by tweeting things that clearly don't belong on social media!) But having said that, no, I do not think that is acceptable for either purpose. Closest family deserves to know about your most relavant life matters in person or by phone call, unless they are toxic people you can't be involved with.

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I hang out with a bunch of 20 and 30 somethings (of which I am not one) and I know they would NOT consider resigning from a job in that manner. Also inappropriate to tell your parents you're moving in that manner. 

 

 

Texting is a great way to communicate, yet the young people I know see it as one form of communication not the only form. 

 

 

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To be fair to my brother in law, he grew up Amish and this is his first job since leaving the church. He may very well not have any idea how to resign, and thought it was appropriate since my sister thought texting my parents the news was appropriate. My sister has never had more than a nannying job, and it wouldn't occur to her that this is not how you resign from a job.

She's insisting this is just how people communicate these days and it's no different than a phone call.

Ahhh that's different.

I would let Sister and Bro-in-Law know that 1. This was unexpected by Mom, and it might be a good idea to talk to her more in person about the move, since Mom is of a time when big news like that wasn't delivered via text. And 2. Explain to both, but especially Bro-in-Law how job resignations are expected to be handled. And other basic business communication. Maybe give him a book on business etiquette?

 

I'm old, LOL! (48) I think it was weird, rude, and inappropriate, but I also would give tons of grace to someone from a different "world" such as Amish.

 

Also, help keep Mom up to speed on texting. And Instagram or whatever they use to keep in touch. :D

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Resigning by text seems very iffy to me.  I would advise my kids not to resign by text unless that's the company culture.  I am thinking about the places they, as young adults, work now.  No way would it lead to a good reference for the future if they resigned in such a casual manner.  

 

The moving announcement - I'd withhold judgment on that.  I don't think I'd like to learn that one of my kids was moving via text.  I would hope there would be some conversation such that I would know if they were even thinking about moving.  Maybe if it was part of an ongoing conversation, a text once the decision has been made would be OK.  I think that's family culture and communication style.    I can also see that with military families it would be different; everyone knows they are going to be moving and when it happens the only news is the location.  At least, that's how it's happened in my experience (with nieces and nephews in the service).  

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I'm 30. Texting to resign, especially in a "pass-the-message" way, is totally inappropriate. He truly needs some lessons in workplace culture and etiquette.

 

Texting about major personal matters depends on family culture and personality. My SIL and her husband are kind, but they are the flakiest people I know. They texted their parents when their baby was born. The parents weren't exactly thrilled to be told about such a major life event in such a casual way, but they understood that that's just how their daughter is, and the husband just reinforces it, and so they let it slide.

 

I personally do not like texting over important matters, but as long as it's not about a death I can deal with it. I think it's okay for siblings to learn about a move on facebook. Not ideal, but okay.

 

I think the problem in the OP is a clash of family culture and one person's personality. It sounds like she's a bit of a black sheep in other ways (not as closely knit with everyone else), which she may sense, and it may actually reinforce her casual ways. If I were the black sheep and had to announce I was moving far away, I might prefer to text it too, rather than get in the emotional thick of it. Personally I'd keep the lines of communication open and non-judgmental (not trying to imply the OP's family isn't!). Communication will only get more difficult at 800 miles.

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I'm five years older. We move a lot so telling my family where we're headed via group email or text or Facebook is perfectly normal and acceptable. That's how we keep in touch (timezone issues). I would never resign from a job that way tho. It's incredibly unprofessional, family business or no. Written notice should be delivered to the immediate supervisor, not the in-laws. 

 

I would do the same for most of the family but my parents would receive a phone call before I sent the email to everyone else.

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Last year I resigned two jobs. One I had had for 8 years and the other 9 years. At both I gave notice in person. One was a month in advance and I was asked to extend that to seven weeks. The other​ I gave two weeks notice. I think two weeks is still the minimum expected.

 

I can't imagine not telling a supervisor directly. If this were my brother in law, I might consider telling him he really needs to see his supervisor himself or send written communication to the supervisor directly, by method other than text.

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To be fair to my brother in law, he grew up Amish and this is his first job since leaving the church. He may very well not have any idea how to resign, and thought it was appropriate since my sister thought texting my parents the news was appropriate. My sister has never had more than a nannying job, and it wouldn't occur to her that this is not how you resign from a job.

She's insisting this is just how people communicate these days and it's no different than a phone call.

 

This seems like a pretty important piece of information to leave out of the original post. I would give your brother-in-law the benefit of the doubt on this one. It sounds like he found a new job, gave 3 weeks notice of their move, and informed the business owner of his resignation. A text via your wife is pretty informal, but it's easy to be too informal with family. Maybe someone can give him a heads up that it's not normally done that way among the "English", even when working in the family business, so he knows for next time. 

 

I don't think announcing a move by text is a huge deal, but I guess that depends on family culture. If it is a huge, big deal for them to move away from the family, then I can see people being upset at not being told gently and in-person. But I can also imagine that if a young couple has made the decision to move away, they might not want to tell family in person in order to avoid the drama of it being a huge, big deal. 

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This seems like a pretty important piece of information to leave out of the original post. I would give your brother-in-law the benefit of the doubt on this one. It sounds like he found a new job, gave 3 weeks notice of their move, and informed the business owner of his resignation. A text via your wife is pretty informal, but it's easy to be too informal with family. Maybe someone can give him a heads up that it's not normally done that way among the "English", even when working in the family business, so he knows for next time. 

 

I don't think announcing a move by text is a huge deal, but I guess that depends on family culture. If it is a huge, big deal for them to move away from the family, then I can see people being upset at not being told gently and in-person. But I can also imagine that if a young couple has made the decision to move away, they might not want to tell family in person in order to avoid the drama of it being a huge, big deal. 

 

Ohhhh.

 

yeah I agree with the above.

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To be fair to my brother in law, he grew up Amish and this is his first job since leaving the church. He may very well not have any idea how to resign, and thought it was appropriate since my sister thought texting my parents the news was appropriate. My sister has never had more than a nannying job, and it wouldn't occur to her that this is not how you resign from a job.

She's insisting this is just how people communicate these days and it's no different than a phone call.

I am 6 years older than you. I resigned from a job cashiering at a grocery story with a written letter and 2 week notice when I was 18/19. I knew. That's not an excuse.

 

It does seem very rude and hurtful. Deliberately distancing. It would be rude for a long-time employee, and I cannot fathom a child doing it.

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My daughter is 17 and wrote a resignation letter for the ice cream shop she worked at, and their "culture" was such that texting to trade shifts, call in sick, etc was acceptable. I can't imagine leaving a real job via text.

 

In our family I text all the time, both with my teens and with my parents. I was born in 77. No one tells life-changing info via text.

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IMO your sister should have called your mother and told her, or, gone to visit her. IMO your BIL should have submitted his resignation in writing and given it to his Supervisor.  Additionally, one must never assume that an SMS Text message has been received and read by the recipient. Sometimes the system is slow and the messages are delayed. Same with a FAX or WhatsApp message or something else. The only way one can be positive the recipient received and read a message is if they acknowledge that.  Out of line IMO

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I would give the BIL the benefit of the doubt given his background--no, that's not how it is done but I don't see how he would know that. I've made my share of social gaffes when interacting in cultures I've not had years of familiarity with.

 

And you already know your sister is clueless. Doesn't make sense to be upset by it.

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That's definitely not how resignations work, and if he isn't aware of that, I think your dad should tell him to write a formal letter and give it to his supervisor. 

 

I don't think texting to announce the move or posting it on Facebook is inappropriate, though. I'm assuming they intend to follow up with family members by phone or in person with more specific information if they haven't already.

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I learned of my first grandchild's birth by text picture. I was thrilled. It had been a long, difficult labor and I was so glad it was over. Had been in text contact all along. Should I have been offended?

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With parents who don't usually text much, it was inappropriate.

 

I probably would have phoned parents, offered a proper letter of resignation at work (probably as a PDF sent by email, with the original mailed behind it), and texted my siblings and BFF, then FB to tell the rest of friends/extended family.

 

My older sister group FB messaged the siblings when my mom was in the hospital last weekend, and texted me with more details (that my other sisters would not care to have) over the course of the weekend.

Edited by Ravin
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Resigning from a job:  not appropriate to text and not appropriate to not let immediate supervisor know first.

 

Moving from family:  Depends.  Maybe she was expecting a negative reaction to the move?  After a few negative reactions when we announced we were pregnant with child #4, I started emailing my whole family with the news.  My theory was that then they could get their initial reactions over with in the privacy of their own home and I wouldn't have to listen to them!  If she was expecting a negative reaction to the news they were moving away, maybe she was hoping for the same thing.  Let everyone freak out on their own and then calm down before she had to be involved.  Many people don't see any difference between texting and email anymore.

Edited by JanOH
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I learned of my first grandchild's birth by text picture. I was thrilled. It had been a long, difficult labor and I was so glad it was over. Had been in text contact all along. Should I have been offended?

I think this is dependent on family culture. My in laws text all the time. When our baby was born premature, DH sent them a text that he was here and stable. I'm not sure I've ever had a phone call from my MIL, she prefers text.

 

My parents don't. My mom sometimes will go days without even looking at her cell phone, so we all know just to give her a quick phone call. So my sister sending a text completely out of the blue saying "Hey btw we're moving to Indiana in three weeks" has not gone over well.

 

I actually forget my BIL grew up Amish. I don't think he'd ever do anything that he knew was unprofessional and so I'm willing to chalk this up to simply not knowing. It's likely my sister advised him it was fine. I'm also sure my dad will gently explain to him what to do in the future.

 

I don't mean to give the impression that my sister is usually rude or a black sheep. She's flighty and impulsive, but sweet and loving and generous. Unfortunately she is the middle child in a very large family of science-math-super logical people who love her but don't always understand her. She really is the nicest person ever, just sometimes so clueless.

 

The moving away isn't the problem. The rest of the adult children, except me, have moved throughout the country. That's not the big deal, it's the random "hey we're leaving" text. I think my parents are also worried because these two adults are both just very....innocent and clueless about the world, and they have a two year old baby.

 

Before I said anything to my sister, I wanted to double check the assertion that "this is how everyone does it now." She has a lot more friends than I do, and I've been wrong before, so for all I know, maybe she's right and texting like this is normal.

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I think this is dependent on family culture. My in laws text all the time. When our baby was born premature, DH sent them a text that he was here and stable. I'm not sure I've ever had a phone call from my MIL, she prefers text.

 

My parents don't. My mom sometimes will go days without even looking at her cell phone, so we all know just to give her a quick phone call. So my sister sending a text completely out of the blue saying "Hey btw we're moving to Indiana in three weeks" has not gone over well.

 

I actually forget my BIL grew up Amish. I don't think he'd ever do anything that he knew was unprofessional and so I'm willing to chalk this up to simply not knowing. It's likely my sister advised him it was fine. I'm also sure my dad will gently explain to him what to do in the future.

 

I don't mean to give the impression that my sister is usually rude or a black sheep. She's flighty and impulsive, but sweet and loving and generous. Unfortunately she is the middle child in a very large family of science-math-super logical people who love her but don't always understand her. She really is the nicest person ever, just sometimes so clueless.

 

The moving away isn't the problem. The rest of the adult children, except me, have moved throughout the country. That's not the big deal, it's the random "hey we're leaving" text. I think my parents are also worried because these two adults are both just very....innocent and clueless about the world, and they have a two year old baby.

 

Before I said anything to my sister, I wanted to double check the assertion that "this is how everyone does it now." She has a lot more friends than I do, and I've been wrong before, so for all I know, maybe she's right and texting like this is normal.

 

 

I wouldn't assume.  verify.  it would be doing your bil a favor to know important information needs to be conveyed in person/formal letter (or email - letter).   that's professional.   texting is casual and not appropriate when form matters.  especially in business.

 

and your sister is definitely wrong about "everybody" texting.  is she aware your mother is hurt?  that your mother doesn't text? etc?  she needs to make more of an effort - at least with her own mother.

 

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With regard to family culture, every family member contributes to that culture. The fact that other family members wouldn't text to announce a move doesn't mean it is wrong for this family member to do it that way.

 

One of my sisters announced her engagement on her Facebook wall--no one in the family has done it that way before and I know I was surprised to not hear in a more personal way (email, phone call, etc.) but I didn't think it was wrong--it just wasn't the way other family members had done things. If some people start doing things differently then family culture may actually change and adapt.

Edited by maize
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That is not a professional way to resign from a job. At least one family member better get a clue.

 

I can't imagine texting family that is in the business where I'm employed that I'm leaving. Nope, I'm coming over to visit or I'm calling on the phone and speaking to you in person. 

 

If that were my primary mode of communication with non-local non-involved family, then I might text them the info - just leaving this job, got a new offer in great place, USA. 

 

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The husband expecting your dad to forward his resignation was really wrong. With a BIL like that, perhaps it is best they will be gone. Sheesh!

 

The thing about announcing the move via text was also wrong. But the resignation thing really has me floored.

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