Ticked over "comfortable" and "money bags" remark

[Janeway]

I am just ticked. And this has gone on before. This happened today, but I will give examples of it happening before.

 

My sister has to have new luxury SUVs (she refuses to drive anything older than 2-3 years so she leases). She also must have her fast food and her vacations. Her children had iphones by grade school. Her children NEED brand new clothes all the time, every holiday every school year, every change of seasons. They even get brand new coats every year, even though we live in the south and they barely get used as it is. She and her husband make close to what my husband makes, but less, but close. My husband and I drive old cars, got married at the JP, and our children do not have any sort of cell phones, not even the 15 yr old. Our older children do not own winder coats and our younger children wear handmedowns, that were not even new when we acquired them. My husband and I made paying debt a priority. So we do not take vacations or buy new clothes and we drive our cars for a long time. One is coming in on 200K miles. The other one is 13 yrs old, but was just a commuter car so had less miles. Ok, so my sister calls me "Miss Moneybags" and tells me how easy I have it and I should HAVE to get a job and it is just wrong that I am not working. Ummm..I do not spend like her. AND, she keeps her student loans on forebearance just because she does not want to pay. Oh, and now she tells me she is defaulting. 

 

It is about priorities! Our mortgage is paid off because instead of eating out or getting my nails done or buying the newest and greatest smart phone, we rounded up our payments on the mortgage. And everytime husband got a bonus, we did not go shopping or eating out, we applied it toward our mortgage.

 

Now, I get told today by a complete stranger who was just there when at the park and visiting that my life is so "comfortable" because my house is paid off. (the course of the conversation had led to stuff about Dave Ramsey and such, this person seemed to not even know who Dave Ramsey was). The person went on to tell me that I need to get a job, even if it is for minimum wage at Walmart, because it is not right that I am not working when my husband is out of work. 

 

I actually tore in to the women, never raising my voice, and pointed out her nicely done nails and nice phone and her nice clothes and gee, her hair looks great too, and all that comes with a cost and her financial priorities are not mine and perhaps if she were to cut out the extras, which expensive hair dressers, color jobs, and manicures are not neccesities, they are just wants, then perhaps, her home could be paid off too.

 

Really..it just ticks me off when some entitled brat has the nerve to act as if I was just handed anything, while they clearly are spenders and the product of their own choices! I am well aware many people have simply not earned enough to be able to pay off a house, and that is fine too. But when someone who looks 15 yrs younger than me and clearly is living that life style has the nerve to say anything at all to me....It just really bothers me. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. But I am sick of the aggressions toward at home parents and home schooling parents as if we are non-essentual and need to "just get a job." I HAVE a job! <scream!>

 

edited to add: an older relative told me last month or the month before that I need to get a real job instead of the volunteer work I am doing. The fact that I continue to do volunteer work was brought up. She asked me what I was doing with it, and then asked if it paid. When I said no, it is volunteer, she said I need to get a real job and stop messing around with that stuff. 

Edited April 6, 2017 by Janeway

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I am just ticked. And this has gone on before. This happened today, but I will give examples of it happening before.

 

My sister has to have new luxury SUVs (she refuses to drive anything older than 2-3 years so she leases). She also must have her fast food and her vacations. Her children had iphones by grade school. Her children NEED brand new clothes all the time, every holiday every school year, every change of seasons. They even get brand new coats every year, even though we live in the south and they barely get used as it is. She and her husband make close to what my husband makes, but less, but close. My husband and I drive old cars, got married at the JP, and our children do not have any sort of cell phones, not even the 15 yr old. Our older children do not own winder coats and our younger children wear handmedowns, that were not even new when we acquired them. My husband and I made paying debt a priority. So we do not take vacations or buy new clothes and we drive our cars for a long time. One is coming in on 200K miles. The other one is 13 yrs old, but was just a commuter car so had less miles. Ok, so my sister calls me "Miss Moneybags" and tells me how easy I have it and I should HAVE to get a job and it is just wrong that I am not working. Ummm..I do not spend like her. AND, she keeps her student loans on forebearance just because she does not want to pay. Oh, and now she tells me she is defaulting. 

 

It is about priorities! Our mortgage is paid off because instead of eating out or getting my nails done or buying the newest and greatest smart phone, we rounded up our payments on the mortgage. And everytime husband got a bonus, we did not go shopping or eating out, we applied it toward our mortgage.

 

Now, I get told today by a complete stranger who was just there when at the park and visiting that my life is so "comfortable" because my house is paid off. (the course of the conversation had led to stuff about Dave Ramsey and such, this person seemed to not even know who Dave Ramsey was). The person went on to tell me that I need to get a job, even if it is for minimum wage at Walmart, because it is not right that I am not working when my husband is out of work. 

 

I actually tore in to the women, never raising my voice, and pointed out her nicely done nails and nice phone and her nice clothes and gee, her hair looks great too, and all that comes with a cost and her financial priorities are not mine and perhaps if she were to cut out the extras, which expensive hair dressers, color jobs, and manicures are not neccesities, they are just wants, then perhaps, her home could be paid off too.

 

Really..it just ticks me off when some entitled brat has the nerve to act as if I was just handed anything, while they clearly are spenders and the product of their own choices! I am well aware many people have simply not earned enough to be able to pay off a house, and that is fine too. But when someone who looks 15 yrs younger than me and clearly is living that life style has the nerve to say anything at all to me....It just really bothers me. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. But I am sick of the aggressions toward at home parents and home schooling parents as if we are non-essentual and need to "just get a job." I HAVE a job! <scream!>

 

edited to add: an older relative told me last month or the month before that I need to get a real job instead of the volunteer work I am doing. The fact that I continue to do volunteer work was brought up. She asked me what I was doing with it, and then asked if it paid. When I said no, it is volunteer, she said I need to get a real job and stop messing around with that stuff. 

 

I agree with your bottom line -- SAHM'ing is totally out of favor in my neck of the woods and I also get tired of the lack of respect for it -- but....

 

you could avoid nearly all comments on your financial decisions if you just didn't tell anybody how much you make, what your debts are, whether your house is paid off, etc. That is r-e-a-l-l-y personal information.

 

While I'm giving totally unwanted advice (I'm sure): I've learned not to comment on other people's decisions, either, because then they feel defensive, and take up the implied invitation to do the same. Again, that conversation is just too personal.

 

[EKS]

you could avoid nearly all comments on your financial decisions if you just didn't tell anybody how much you make, what your debts are, whether your house is paid off, etc. That is r-e-a-l-l-y personal information.

 

Yes--especially complete strangers at the park!

 

(And, BTW, I totally get it about relatives who live beyond their means and then wonder how others can afford to homeschool.)

[Carol in Cal.]

Some people are very careless in what they say, and I think it pays to be guarded in what you say to them because it will evoke a jealous or hurtful or thoughtless response.

 

Those of us who homeschool, or just SAHMs, or those who are frugal, or even who set a high priority on paying down debt or just on paying it back at all (rather than defaulting), are out of the mainstream.  We get so used to thinking our way that we forget how unusual we are.  Until something like this happens and we see it, up close and personal.

 

A lot of times it's from expecting sympathy or help from mainstreamers.  For instance, if I complained about homeschooling to a public school parent, I could expect to be told that obviously I needed to put my kids in school, rather than actually productive or helpful comments.  Lots of times homeschooling or SAHM or frugality or financial integrity are things that mostly should be discussed with others who share those values.  Beyond that circle, being a little more guarded and/or keeping it light is a better choice.

 

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

I am thankful I don't have people saying it's not fair I don't need to work. That said, "Loose lips sink ships" is our motto. We look like we have much less than we do and I'm just fine letting people believe that. I think it helps avoid the irritating conversations.

 

The book "The Millionaire Next Door" found that most people with money (not the glittering rich, though) live in modest houses and drive cars like used Camrys or Civics.

[Bluegoat]

I think many people just can't imagine not paying for certain things - they may actually feel like it is a sort of obligation.  So, not doing it doesn't compute.

[Guest]

Agreed - just don't say anything or hedge and only comment on personal choices with wealth. You can afford anything, but not everything. And so choices must be made.

[Carol in Cal.]

There IS, though, value in passing on good info and a good example.

 

I will never forget the time I was in a carful of coworkers heading to someones retirement party.  

The subject of cars came up, everyone talking about his dream car.  Then people started describing their current cars and how much they cost, and when it came around to me I said that I only buy reliable used cars, and that my last one was a Camry that cost $7500, and that I had saved up for a few years to pay for it in cash, so I don't have car payments.  

 

At first people were pooh poohing used cars and 'buying someone else's problems', but once I mentioned the price and the magic phrase 'no car payments', everyone got super quiet and interested.

 

Until they had specifics, they didn't really realize how much the savings would be, but once they heard numbers, they got it and were interested.

 

I don't know if any of them started to do the same, but they sure respected that choice a lot more once they really saw what it entailed.  I had to be candid to show them that, but it was a light conversation, and I didn't imply any judgement of those who do differently.  I like to think that maybe I helped someone save a bundle that day.

 

 

[regentrude]

I do not think the comment "you need to get a job" in the light of your husband's long term unemployment necessarily stems from contempt towards homeschoolers or SAHMs.  For many families, this would be the normal solution for long term loss of income that the other spouse try to produce income, since many families could not weather six months without income of any kind. If you can, you are indeed comfortable. The fact that this is due to prudent financial choices you have made in the past does not change this.

Edited April 6, 2017 by regentrude

[marbel]

I agree with your bottom line -- SAHM'ing is totally out of favor in my neck of the woods and I also get tired of the lack of respect for it -- but....

 

you could avoid nearly all comments on your financial decisions if you just didn't tell anybody how much you make, what your debts are, whether your house is paid off, etc. That is r-e-a-l-l-y personal information.

 

While I'm giving totally unwanted advice (I'm sure): I've learned not to comment on other people's decisions, either, because then they feel defensive, and take up the implied invitation to do the same. Again, that conversation is just too personal.

 

 

Agreed on all points.

 

One of the first things my dad told me when I started working was never to tell anyone without a direct need to know how much money I made, how much money I owe, how much my house cost, how much my car cost... you get the idea.

 

From time to time someone will ask me some money-related question.  I just make a vague answer like "too much" [with a laugh] when asked how much my house cost.  It's no one's business.  I don't even know why people talk about such things. 

[Angie in VA]

I only discuss money issues w/ people I ask for money. That way, I don't have to hear lectures from people I don't ask for money. 

 

Bean dip, anyone?

Edited April 6, 2017 by Angie in VA

[Carol in Cal.]

. If you can, you are indeed comfortable. The fact that this is due to prudent financial choices you have made in the past does not change this.

Though true, it is also true that calling someone 'moneybags' or lecturing them that they need to get a job is rude and unkind, no matter whether it is true (which it wasn't) or not.

 

But another answer occurred to me about the wife getting a minimum wage job.  "We have decided that my time is best spent in freeing him up to find a good position.  That is our best economic option for the long run."

[HomeAgain]

The best response I have found to this is, "when I ask you to pay for my lifestyle, you may give me input on how we spend."


ETA: I'll also chime in on it goes both ways.  You don't discuss their choices, or give room for yours to be up for debate.  This means not handing personal financial info to strangers at the park.

Edited April 6, 2017 by HomeAgain

[Jean in Newcastle]

Though true, it is also true that calling someone 'moneybags' or lecturing them that they need to get a job is rude and unkind, no matter whether it is true (which it wasn't) or not.

 

But another answer occurred to me about the wife getting a minimum wage job.  "We have decided that my time is best spent in freeing him up to find a good position.  That is our best economic option for the long run."

 

True.  But it is also true that one sets oneself up for criticism if they are complaining about not having money at the same time.  (I am not privy to the OPs real life conversations but this has been a theme online.)  I agree with others that not talking money specifically or perhaps even generally might solve a lot of problems. 

[HTRMom]

I think people can sometimes be too private. I don't believe in many subjects being taboo. Of course, if you discuss, you do open yourself to criticism. I couldn't care less about disagreements or even insults from strangers, but I'm the exception.

 

I see where you're coming from. You're proud of the good choices you've made. You've worked hard. You want to share your wisdom, or at least be a little respected for how responsible you are, and instead people treat you like you're wealthy rather than prudent. It's not fair. But most people are incapable of thinking about economics, trade-offs, or long-term planning. I think if more of the prudent folk share their stories, even if it gets pushback initially, it could very gradually change mindsets. Maybe someday those people will find themselves strapped for cash and realize that actually, their old car and gray hair are fine, because they've seen the example.

 

Sorry you're so frustrated!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Crimson Wife]

Job-hunting is a full-time endeavor and if the husband is watching the small children in order for the former homemaker wife to earn peanuts compared to his potential salary it makes no sense for him to spend his time doing that over looking for a new position.

 

That said, one of the reasons I went back to school was so that I could qualify for better-paying jobs and improve our family's financial stability.

[Crimson Wife]

And keeping up the volunteer work is important if you DO ever decide to seek a paid job because it is something recent to put on your resume and the supervisor can serve as a professional reference.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't run in very wealthy circles, but amongst people I know, the DH wouldn't be watching the little ones or homeschooling while Mom tried to match his former salary. The little ones would be in less-than-ideal daycare (or minded by grandparents if lucky), and the older kids would be in public school, while Mom worked and Dad looked for a job while also delivering pizzas or something.

 

Homeschooling through unemployment is very hard (BTDT) and very unusual.

[Carrie12345]

You know, I've had some situations with people I'm close to that really ticked me off.  Like assuming I have plenty of spare cash for things they want me to do with them, whether a group gift, a night out, or a big vacation.  I think they figure, because I stay home, homeschool, drive a newer vehicle, my kids have a lot of activities, etc., I have money coming out of my ears.  But the money goes towards paying for those things.

 

The assumptions do annoy me, but I know that any judgment made is based on ignorance.  Just like any judgment I would put on them without the details of their tax returns, credit card statements, loan details, etc. etc.  It's none of my flipping business, and it's none of theirs.  Opening myself up to scrutiny, voluntarily, is ridiculous.  

[Janeway]

I do not think the comment "you need to get a job" in the light of your husband's long term unemployment necessarily stems from contempt towards homeschoolers or SAHMs.  For many families, this would be the normal solution for long term loss of income that the other spouse try to produce income, since many families could not weather six months without income of any kind. If you can, you are indeed comfortable. The fact that this is due to prudent financial choices you have made in the past does not change this.

 It actually is, because they do not recognize my job at a SAHM as a real job. I do not think I even mentioned that I home schooled to this person and I only had my younger children with me.

[regentrude]

 It actually is, because they do not recognize my job at a SAHM as a real job. I do not think I even mentioned that I home schooled to this person and I only had my younger children with me.

 

I don't see it like that. If the issue is having no income, it does not matter that being a SAHM is valuable - it does not pay the rent or buy food, and for most families in your situation that would not be sustainable because they don't have that much in emergency funds. 

[Catwoman]

I'm wondering what you're doing that makes people say things like that to you. Comments like those don't usually come right out of the blue. Are you bragging about not having to worry about money? Are you complaining about not having nicer things? Are you complaining about your dh being out of work? Are you making those people feel judged about their own lifestyles?

 

Something just doesn't seem right here.

 

Honestly, you say they are judging you, but if you read your own post, you are coming across as being pretty judgmental yourself. I'm not saying that the things you're saying are bad or wrong, but that if you're posting such strong feelings here, it's hard to imagine that you're not coming across a bit high and mighty in person as well. You're bragging about your own frugality but you also seem resentful of the people who have nicer lifestyles than you have chosen for yourself.

 

And what's up with sharing personal information with strangers at the park? :svengo: Seriously, who does that? And you lectured her about Dave Ramsey? That sounds kind of obnoxious to me. Additionally, your comments about her hair and her nails and her phone were just plain rude. If she told you that you should get a job, you must have been complaining about your dh being out of work. Otherwise, she would have never said anything. And how did she even know that you don't work? How did all of this possibly come up in a brief chat with a total stranger at the park?

 

Sorry if I don't seem sympathetic, but I think you're setting yourself up for comments like you've been receiving.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Catwoman

[Janeway]

Job-hunting is a full-time endeavor and if the husband is watching the small children in order for the former homemaker wife to earn peanuts compared to his potential salary it makes no sense for him to spend his time doing that over looking for a new position.

 

That said, one of the reasons I went back to school was so that I could qualify for better-paying jobs and improve our family's financial stability.

I would make a fraction of what he makes, and then what? I apply to Walmart for that minimum wage job and tell them my husband is in the middle of interviews and as soon as he gets a job, I have to quit, so that could be today, or in six months, no idea. Not even Walmart would hire under those circumstances. And at any given point in time, my husband has been in the middle of interviews, had another one coming up. He is still flying to that one I mentioned in a previous post. What do I tell him? Sorry honey! You cannot go to interviews! I have to go work at Walmart today so you need to take care of the kids! And how can he really apply for jobs, AND he is also working on upping his skills during this time, if he has to also take care of the kids fulltime and home school them?

[Catwoman]

It actually is, because they do not recognize my job at a SAHM as a real job. I do not think I even mentioned that I home schooled to this person and I only had my younger children with me.

That's ridiculous. Why were you having this discussion with a total stranger at the park? And why would you care what a stranger thinks about your lifestyle? If it works for your family, why do you care so much about what other people think?

[HomeAgain]

I would make a fraction of what he makes, and then what? I apply to Walmart for that minimum wage job and tell them my husband is in the middle of interviews and as soon as he gets a job, I have to quit, so that could be today, or in six months, no idea. Not even Walmart would hire under those circumstances. And at any given point in time, my husband has been in the middle of interviews, had another one coming up. He is still flying to that one I mentioned in a previous post. What do I tell him? Sorry honey! You cannot go to interviews! I have to go work at Walmart today so you need to take care of the kids! And how can he really apply for jobs, AND he is also working on upping his skills during this time, if he has to also take care of the kids fulltime and home school them?

 

Again, personal info.  You don't hand that information to an interviewer.  Your family works around the income coming in.  I worked graveyard stocking shift for a while to be able to be home when I was needed and work the childcare issue.

 

Why would you even proposition a scenario like that?  If you're into Dave Ramsey, wouldn't you be about finding solutions instead of throwing a hissy fit when things aren't perfect?

[Scarlett]

Calling you money bags was crass.  I would have smiled and said, 'yes, we are doing quite well, all things considered.' 

 

Telling you to get a job?  Especially from a stranger?  I would have ignored that...but if pressed I would have said, 'yeah, that won't work for our family and thankfully we have circumstances where it isn't required.'

[Liz CA]

I am still wondering how a stranger at the park knows the house is paid off.

[Janeway]

That's ridiculous. Why were you having this discussion with a total stranger at the park? And why would you care what a stranger thinks about your lifestyle? If it works for your family, why do you care so much about what other people think?

It was just something where some moms were visiting with each other and our children were playing. And this was just another, I assume mom, I don't know. One of the mom's did turn out to be a nanny and this woman did look younger. But I am not neccesarily a good judge of age. But this was not the first time I heard this sort of junk.

[Scarlett]

I would make a fraction of what he makes, and then what? I apply to Walmart for that minimum wage job and tell them my husband is in the middle of interviews and as soon as he gets a job, I have to quit, so that could be today, or in six months, no idea. Not even Walmart would hire under those circumstances. And at any given point in time, my husband has been in the middle of interviews, had another one coming up. He is still flying to that one I mentioned in a previous post. What do I tell him? Sorry honey! You cannot go to interviews! I have to go work at Walmart today so you need to take care of the kids! And how can he really apply for jobs, AND he is also working on upping his skills during this time, if he has to also take care of the kids fulltime and home school them?

 

 

You are asking questions like you have to answer to someone about your (very reasonable) choice in this matter. 

 

You are preaching to the choir too because no one here thinks you should run out and get a job if you don't need to.  And you are in a very enviable position because you have not had to go to work even when your dh lost his job.  People who are envious say mean and stupid things sometimes.

[Janeway]

I am still wondering how a stranger at the park knows the house is paid off.

We were talking about Dave Ramsey. The woman who commented was mostly just another person at the park whose child was playing with my child so she joined in, piped in, whatever you call it.

 

edited to add: oh yeah, I almost forgot, our school district is trying to pass a new bond, one that is insane, so that was also a topic of conversation. The bond will raise our prices. I did not even say my house was paid off, I said something about paying the taxes at the end of the year. So I guess when I said that, she assumed my house was paid off because it was not a part of a mortgage, but she was assuming. I never actually said it. But I did not deny it when she started in on me.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Janeway

[Scarlett]

I am still wondering how a stranger at the park knows the house is paid off.

 

 

Meh, I can see saying that to a total stranger.  It isn't a secret in my world that I don't have a mortgage. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I would make a fraction of what he makes, and then what? I apply to Walmart for that minimum wage job and tell them my husband is in the middle of interviews and as soon as he gets a job, I have to quit, so that could be today, or in six months, no idea. Not even Walmart would hire under those circumstances. And at any given point in time, my husband has been in the middle of interviews, had another one coming up. He is still flying to that one I mentioned in a previous post. What do I tell him? Sorry honey! You cannot go to interviews! I have to go work at Walmart today so you need to take care of the kids! And how can he really apply for jobs, AND he is also working on upping his skills during this time, if he has to also take care of the kids fulltime and home school them?

 

You seem to have no idea how the rest of us live.

 

No, you don't tell Walmart that you're going to quit when your family gets something better! That's practically implied, that people working a minimum wage job WILL be moving on if they get a chance!

 

Then when that happy event occurs, you give a week or two's notice, so as not to leave them in the lurch (or mess up their recommendation), and you quit.

 

Also, that fraction of your DH's income - the rest of us use that pittance for food and housing. We fall back on savings for rent or mortgage, if we've got it, or borrow from family, or work around the clock to meet the need, because if we're VERY lucky and all plans worked out, we might have a month or two's expenses saved in the bank but not half a year.

 

Sadly, homeschooling also becomes impossible during periods of lengthy unemployment, for most families, so Dad is not home tending babies and teaching while Mom works at Walmart. The kids are in relatives' care (or daycare) and public school. So he's not hindered in his job search, plus he's probably working at night - the options here are pizza delivery, third shift factory or warehouse, and FedEx's night shift.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Catwoman]

It was just something where some moms were visiting with each other and our children were playing. And this was just another, I assume mom, I don't know. One of the mom's did turn out to be a nanny and this woman did look younger. But I am not neccesarily a good judge of age. But this was not the first time I heard this sort of junk.

But you're letting it get to you. You're turning it into a big drama.

 

When people make comments like that, don't let them upset you. You know the truth. You know what works for your family. It doesn't matter what other people think or say.

[k10coon]

I totally get it.  I have been told "must be nice" quite snidely when I answered that I don't have a job outside the home.  One more than one occasion.  This is from people who started the conversation with me.  

 

When people bring up finances, I should be able talk about some of the things we've done within the context of the conversation without being called names.  I try not to care, but geeze, do people think these are endearing comments?

 

I no longer try to qualify our position by pointing out to them our ten and eighteen year old cars. Or our Aldi and thrift shop lifestyle.  We do these things to support our priorities.  Which are different from theirs.  

 

I went off on somebody once.  So I get the anger.  But I just have to try not to care.  I've also learned to bring my kindle with me and quit talking if necessary!

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.  People suck sometimes.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I hope that at my age I would not be provoked into namecalling at the park, that I would just politely disengage and leave, but I'm starting to get a sense of how this might have gone down.

[Scarlett]

I totally get it.  I have been told "must be nice" quite snidely when I answered that I don't have a job outside the home.  One more than one occasion.  This is from people who started the conversation with me.  

 

When people bring up finances, I should be able talk about some of the things we've done within the context of the conversation without being called names.  I try not to care, but geeze, do people think these are endearing comments?

 

I no longer try to qualify our position by pointing out to them our ten and eighteen year old cars. Or our Aldi and thrift shop lifestyle.  We do these things to support our priorities.  Which are different from theirs.  

 

I went off on somebody once.  So I get the anger.  But I just have to try not to care.  I've also learned to bring my kindle with me and quit talking if necessary!

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.  People suck sometimes.

 

 

If someone said 'must be nice' to me in any tone....I would smile and say, 'it is.  Thank you.' 

[Catwoman]

You seem to have no idea how the rest of us live.

 

No, you don't tell Walmart that you're going to quit when your family gets something better! That's practically implied, that people working a minimum wage job WILL be moving on if they get a chance!

 

Then when that happy event occurs, you give a week or two's notice, so as not to leave them in the lurch (or mess up their recommendation), and you quit.

 

Also, that fraction of your DH's income - the rest of us use that pittance for food and housing. We fall back on savings for rent or mortgage, if we've got it, or borrow from family, or work around the clock to meet the need, because if we're VERY lucky and all plans worked out, we might have a month or two's expenses saved in the bank but not half a year.

The problem seems to be that too many people know too many details about how she lives and what she can afford and what she has sacrificed to attain financial security.

 

I would never share that kind of information with strangers at the park, and I think there is a lot to be said for smiling politely and changing the subject if someone starts fishing for personal details or making comments about my lifestyle choices.

[Murphy101]

I get it. You are smarter. You are more responsible. You never had anyone help you with anything. Because you are better than that and better than them and it's time you got the respect you deserve and it's humiliating and infuriating when that doesn't meet your expectations.

 

There's an on-going theme to your complaints about your interactions with others lately. The only commonality is you. I don't say this often, but maybe counseling would help you cope with this better than being unreasonably angry at the world all the time.

[Catwoman]

If someone said 'must be nice' to me in any tone....I would smile and say, 'it is. Thank you.'

:iagree:

 

Exactly! Why get into a competition with people? A response like you suggested will both make your point and shut the other person up.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

The problem seems to be that too many people know too many details about how she lives and what she can afford and what she has sacrificed to attain financial security.

 

I would never share that kind of information with strangers at the park, and I think there is a lot to be said for smiling politely and changing the subject if someone starts fishing for personal details or making comments about my lifestyle choices.

 

I definitely agree (that was my first post in the thread) - the post you quoted was answering about why many mothers end up picking up a Walmart or fast food shift during hard times, and how that's still possible (and not wrong) if the worker knows it's going to be as temporary as possible.

[Catwoman]

I get it. You are smarter. You are more responsible. You never had anyone help you with anything. Because you are better than that and better than them and it's time you got the respect you deserve and it's humiliating and infuriating when that doesn't meet your expectations.

 

There's an on-going theme to your complaints about your interactions with others lately. The only commonality is you. I don't say this often, but maybe counseling would help you cope with this better than being unreasonably angry at the world all the time.

Janeway, I hate to do it but I have to agree with this. It's what I was hinting at when I said you were turning this into a big drama.

 

You seem like a very nice person, but I'm wondering if the stress of your dh being out of work is starting to wear on you. You seem to be having such intense and strong reactions to things that are really very minor, like the comments you mentioned in this thread.

 

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time and I'm sorry if my posts have seemed so harsh, but even though I know you mean well, it's hard to be sympathetic when you post threads like this one. :grouphug:

[Janeway]

You seem to have no idea how the rest of us live.

 

No, you don't tell Walmart that you're going to quit when your family gets something better! That's practically implied, that people working a minimum wage job WILL be moving on if they get a chance!

 

Then when that happy event occurs, you give a week or two's notice, so as not to leave them in the lurch (or mess up their recommendation), and you quit.

 

Also, that fraction of your DH's income - the rest of us use that pittance for food and housing. We fall back on savings for rent or mortgage, if we've got it, or borrow from family, or work around the clock to meet the need, because if we're VERY lucky and all plans worked out, we might have a month or two's expenses saved in the bank but not half a year.

 

Sadly, homeschooling also becomes impossible during periods of lengthy unemployment, for most families, so Dad is not home tending babies and teaching while Mom works at Walmart. The kids are in relatives' care (or daycare) and public school. So he's not hindered in his job search, plus he's probably working at night - the options here are pizza delivery, third shift factory or warehouse, and FedEx's night shift.

We have no relatives to help and public school is not an option.

 

And when my husband has an interview next week that I would need to quit my job if he got it, wouldn't that be morally wrong to not tell Walmart this? Or any place else? I even called the two local school districts and asked about subbing (I applied online first) and was told that the applications are still out there, but they are not hiring anymore for the school year.

[Janeway]

Janeway, I hate to do it but I have to agree with this. It's what I was hinting at when I said you were turning this into a big drama.

 

You seem like a very nice person, but I'm wondering if the stress of your dh being out of work is starting to wear on you. You seem to be having such intense and strong reactions to things that are really very minor, like the comments you mentioned in this thread.

 

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time and I'm sorry if my posts have seemed so harsh, but even though I know you mean well, it's hard to be sympathetic when you post threads like this one. :grouphug:

 

I got lectured by two relatives in the last week that I need to get a job. No consideration to what happens to the children. No consideration that I am actually doing something at home and that someone would need to replace me at home. Nothing. As if I am just sitting here, eating bonbons all day long, doing nothing. And these two relatives live in other states so they could not help if they wanted and they do not live our life and have no children (not children children anyway, their children are grown).

Edited April 6, 2017 by Janeway

[Catwoman]

I got lectured by two relatives in the last week that I need to get a job. No consideration to what happens to the children. No consideration that I am actually doing something at home and that someone would need to replace me at home. Nothing. As if I am just sitting here, eating bonbons all day long, doing nothing. And these two relatives live in other states so they could not help if they wanted and they do not live our life and have no children (not children children anyway, their children are grown).

But you seem so aggressive and bitter about it.

 

Why do you care what they think? Why do you give them a chance to lecture you?

[Scarlett]

I got lectured by two relatives in the last week that I need to get a job. No consideration to what happens to the children. No consideration that I am actually doing something at home and that someone would need to replace me at home. Nothing. As if I am just sitting here, eating bonbons all day long, doing nothing. And these two relatives live in other states so they could not help if they wanted and they do not live our life and have no children (not children children anyway, their children are grown).

 

 

How does the conversation go where two different relatives are telling you how to live your life?  Are you fretting about money to them?  Or complaining about the job loss?

[Liz CA]

I got lectured by two relatives in the last week that I need to get a job. No consideration to what happens to the children. No consideration that I am actually doing something at home and that someone would need to replace me at home. Nothing. As if I am just sitting here, eating bonbons all day long, doing nothing. And these two relatives live in other states so they could not help if they wanted and they do not live our life and have no children (not children children anyway, their children are grown).

 

I get that this is annoying but you cannot control what others are saying. You can only control your reaction to it. You are an adult. You do what seems right to you. You are under no obligation to take anyone's advice.

Like water off a duck's back...you know.

 

[Catwoman]

We have no relatives to help and public school is not an option.

 

And when my husband has an interview next week that I would need to quit my job if he got it, wouldn't that be morally wrong to not tell Walmart this? Or any place else? I even called the two local school districts and asked about subbing (I applied online first) and was told that the applications are still out there, but they are not hiring anymore for the school year.

Okay, stop.

 

Stop right there.

 

You're doing it again. You're explaining and rationalizing your choices and getting defensive instead of just saying that you and your family are just fine, thank you, and you're happy with the decisions you've made.

 

Really, we talk a lot on this forum about passing the bean dip. I think you need to learn to do that because it will help keep you from getting upset.

[Crimson Wife]

I would make a fraction of what he makes, and then what? I apply to Walmart for that minimum wage job and tell them my husband is in the middle of interviews and as soon as he gets a job, I have to quit, so that could be today, or in six months, no idea. Not even Walmart would hire under those circumstances. And at any given point in time, my husband has been in the middle of interviews, had another one coming up. He is still flying to that one I mentioned in a previous post. What do I tell him? Sorry honey! You cannot go to interviews! I have to go work at Walmart today so you need to take care of the kids! And how can he really apply for jobs, AND he is also working on upping his skills during this time, if he has to also take care of the kids fulltime and home school them?

 

Exactly. And putting multiple preschool aged kids into daycare plus paying for afterschool care so that dad could job-hunt would eat up any earnings so the mom might as well continue to stay home.

 

[Catwoman]

I get that this is annoying but you cannot control what others are saying. You can only control your reaction to it. You are an adult. You do what seems right to you. You are under no obligation to take anyone's advice.

Like water off a duck's back...you know.

 

Yes, I hate to see her letting people get to her like this.

 

I know she's under a lot of stress right now and she's trying to encourage her dh and deal with the kids and take care of the house and keep track of the finances -- and that's a lot to think about -- so I understand that she might have a much shorter fuse than usual. But I hope she will try to find a way to avoid being upset about the little stupid annoyances like the comments she mentioned today because she already has a full plate and she needs to learn how to let the stupid stuff roll off of her back, as you said.

[lauraw4321]

Depression for me recently has looked like anger. I'm also confused how you got into these conversations with your relatives. They just randomly said "you should get a job." That seems very strange.