itsmylife Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 DD 10 is yearning for a best friend in school. She wants to change schools in hopes of finding a best friend that she can hang out with. She has very good friends outside school that we meet socially. She has what I would call good playmates in school - yes, there are some girls that are not "friendly". She plays and spends time with other kids but yearns to have a special friend. There are kids in her grade that are best friends and talk/hang out/do things together but that seems more the exception than the norm. These friendships are typically mom-driven. The moms are best friends or promote friendships between the girls by having play dates and sleepovers. I have offered to invite other girls in her class to play dates but there isn't anyone she is interested in having over. I have been thinking back my childhood - I did not have best friends until I was in high school. I was friends with everyone in class and there were times when I was more friendly with one person but that typically did not last long. I have been talking to DD and explaining to her that it is okay to not have a best friend in school with no avail. I do believe she is putting more pressure on herself and her expectations are unrealistic. But I am sensitive to the fact that this is how she feels and respect her desire to find that friendship. But I worry that we will be changing schools and going into an environment where friendships/cliques are already formed and she has to break into the social groups that have been formed since pre-k. The school that she will be moving too has a very high international population (mostly Europe). I am hearing of a couple of bullying long drawn bullying incidents that the school did not manage the right way. Kids don't necessary speak in English with each other - there are different language tracks. To me this adds another complication to the social scene for DD. What is your experience with school friendships? When did they start? And is it normal that DD does not have a best friend in school at this age? TIA! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) I had a best friend in 3rd grade and a best friend in 8th grade. No other years. We moved a lot. Some of the schools I attended were international schools; my best friend in 8th was French and that is the language we communicated in (not a first language for me). I don't think there is really an age or even necessarily a specific set of circumstances that lead to a best friend situation; sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. Edited April 5, 2017 by maize 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 High School. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpicyPeanut Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I had a best friend in 3rd grade and a best friend in 8th grade. No other years. We moved a lot. Some of the school I attended were international schools; my best friend in 8th was French and that is the language we communicated in (not a first language for me). I don't think there is really an age or even necessarily a specific set of circumstances that lead to a best friend situation; sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. I agree with the bolded. I met my best friend when I was 2. I didn't even know what a best friend. We just hit it off. There were factors that allowed it to continue. We're still best friends. But I know that's rare. I feel like it's kind of like finding "the one". It happens when you're not really looking. Just living life. But I know that's hard for kids (and some adults) to accept. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Ds frets about this even now at age 17. He has some really good friends and they turned out to not be his age. One is 24, and then a married couple age 19/30. I think the best friend concept is romantized and over rated. I would not change schols for it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 My 12yo dd would say she has 2 best friends--one at home and one at school. She calls K her best friend (at home) because of all the girls in the neighborhood they're oldest and closest in age. They really only get to see each other about once a week. She calls B her best friend (from school) because they like a lot of the same things. But she hasn't done any extra hanging out with B nor has she asked to. She has a few other girls she gets along with but they haven't socialized outside of school either. Neither of these best friendships really developed until the last year or so, though. I think it's good that dd has several girls she gets along with and that her world doesn't revolve around just one person. We know a high-schooler whose one best friend suddenly moved out of state (Dad's job transfer) and she was just lost. It took awhile for her to regain her footing because before that she hadn't really spent much time with the other girls at their small private school. Hugs to your dd. And you. It's hard when your child's heart is hurting. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I think this is sort of a random thing. It is hard to predict when or if someone will find another person they click with. Also, though, opportunities have to be there. Also you need to be willing to put in some effort. Sometimes it is hard to create those opportunities. I found with my own kids that it wasn't school or extracurriculars that actually generated solid friendships. It was being around the people they met at school or extracurriculars but in a more relaxed setting, plus consistently meeting up and for extended periods of time. In other words, play dates where the kids just got to hang around and play for at least a couple of hours or more weekly and just be kids, not in a structured way. Getting practice learning how to interact and deal with disagreements and different points of view and just hang out together created a deeper relationship than just seeing them periodically at an extracurricular or hanging out briefly at lunch, etc. I was super proactive in inviting kids over and letting them stay for a few hours at a time. Both kids developed deeper friendships that way. It took time, though. My first true best friend was in 4th grade. We had just moved into the area. She went to my school but she also lived in my neighborhood and her father was our minister and her younger brother played with my younger brother so we were together all.the.time. Once we moved the friendship ended. In hindsight, I don't know that we were super compatible. We were just convenient to each other and were both pretty friendly. My next best friend lived across the street from me. We were mostly in the same schools but a year apart (started out 5th and 4th) all the way through my 8th grade year. We rarely saw each other at school. We mainly played all the time after school and on weekends. Her younger siblings played with my brother. Her parents were friends with my parents. We actually had a lot more in common than I did with my first friend. We are still close friends and her family and mine are still close even though we haven't lived near each other in decades. Random fluke that we lived across the street from each other but lots of free play time over years definitely was a big factor in helping seal a bond. There were other kids in the neighborhood that I was never close to, though, even though I played with them a lot and when I moved away we did not stay in touch. Personality had a lot to do with my staying friends with her. She and I were lucky in that we clicked. I had friends in High School that I cared about (and am still in contact with some) but I don't know that I would have considered them best friends. We hung out. We weren't soul mates or anything. I enjoyed their company, though. Freshman year of College was lonely. I didn't really click with my roommates or anyone else in my class. I got along with them. There was just nothing really to build a close relationship with. Sophomore year through a random event I happened to attend I found my "tribe". Freshman group that happened to show up at the same event. We clicked immediately and many of us are still close. We sometimes travel hours to see each other. We make a concerted effort to see each other at least once a year if possible. If I hadn't attended that event I might never have met them, though. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 My first best friend was in 7th grade but none of the few I've had ever went to the same school as me until college. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 DSS (now an adult) didn't have a best friend till 8th grade or so. DS (13) has many close friends, but didn't use the "best friend" label till 7th. As a child, I moved every year or so, sometimes every other year after 6th grade. I had a best friend - or a group of 2 - 3 best friends - every year starting about 3rd grade. I did not have one in 6th, when we moved to a very difficult area - kids there had rarely moved, there were no other "new kids" and there was a general sense that anyone new was an outsider. It took me more time to make friends there, but by 7th - I had a group. Looking back, I can see that my parents put a lot of work into my friendships, and encouraged them. There was a lot of driving, and there were a lot of sleepovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I think before entirely changing schools (unless it's something she might need to do anyway as she moves into middle school), I'd maybe look for different extra curricular activities/clubs where she is more apt to meet like-minded kids. But, I agree with others that best friends just kind of evolve. I had a best friend in elementary school, another best friend in junior high and high school, and a best friend in college. The kind of best friend (especially the high school one) where you talk all day and then still talk for two hours every night on the phone. My dh never had a best friend. None of my five children ever had a best friend. At first I thought it was a little weird that my kids didn't have a best friend! Doesn't everyone have a best friend? I worked to get them into activities where they'd meet kids they'd enjoy, invited kids over, had parties... My kids all had a really sweet circle of good friends -- some homeschooled, some public-schooled, some through extra curricular activities, but they never had a best friend. I think in their minds, they did think it might be nice (after reading books like Betsy-Tacy, etc. :)), but it just didn't happen! They'd sometimes have a friend that they hung out with more than others during particular periods, but it would fluctuate. I felt like even when they had opportunities for it to happen, other things were more important to them. At some point I realized that most of their peers didn't have best friends either. More typical was having a circle of friends, maybe a fluctuating good friend, but rarely the one-on-one long-term best friend. Maybe I had been the rare one to have a best friend. In any event, kids do seem to develop closer relationships in high school, even if one of them never becomes an actual best friend. And that's okay. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Honestly, that connection is not something that can be forced by simply meeting enough people. But I understand that a 10yo would not understand that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I had a best friend from my earliest memory. He lived across the street and was a year younger than me, but we played dolls every single day and never had any conflict. I could tell him anything. He wanted to be Cookie Monster when he grew up, but ended up working for the FBI instead. I still have a best friend at 50. She is about my favorite person on earth I don't want to ever think of having to live without her. So for me, having a best friend feels like a requirement of life, not an age thing. I have gone through periods when my kids yearned for a best friend, but they all eventually found one. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I had a best friend from my earliest memory. He lived across the street and was a year younger than me, but we played dolls every single day and never had any conflict. I could tell him anything. He wanted to be Cookie Monster when he grew up, but ended up working for the FBI instead. Bummer that the Cookie Monster thing didn't work out for him. ;) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Bummer that the Cookie Monster thing didn't work out for him. ;) I hear that the market is saturated. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I hear that the market is saturated. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) Various ages. But it can't be forced. I wouldn't change schools for a best friend if everything else is working because there are so many ways schools can go wrong. I had a best friend in school from PK-3rd grade. We biked to school together daily and spent nearly every afternoon at the other person's house. Then we had a major fight and became enemies for 3 years and had peace in middle school and high school. We're facebook friends now. I had a best friend who was a boy in 9th and 10th grade; the school treasurer referred to us as "Tweedledee and Tweedledum". Otherwise my best friends were in other places. And when I left school for a year in 11th grade to go do a foreign exchange and came back, my best friend from 9th and 10th and I had nothing in common anymore and barely talked. I only learned where he was going to college through friends. Emily Edited April 5, 2017 by EmilyGF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 After thinking about this I would not have her change schools. Girls get super territorial at this age and if she is seen being a new girl moving in on someone else's friend the bullying could get really bad quickly. My oldest changed schools when she was nine and the bullying so interrupted her education that I ended up home schooling her. In her case she needed to be home schooled, she was already far behind academically, But if the OP's dd goes to a new school as an 11yo, it could get yucky fast. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 After thinking about this I would not have her change schools. Girls get super territorial at this age and if she is seen being a new girl moving in on someone else's friend the bullying could get really bad quickly. My oldest changed schools when she was nine and the bullying so interrupted her education that I ended up home schooling her. In her case she needed to be home schooled, she was already far behind academically, But if the OP's dd goes to a new school as an 11yo, it could get yucky fast. I agree. It would be different if she was already in a bad situation at her current school; then I'd say there was nothing to lose by switching to a new school. But in this case, she has friends and she's not unpopular or bullied, so it doesn't make sense to move her to try to find this mythical "best friend," who may not exist at the new school. How about signing her up for a club or a class outside of school so she can meet new girls who share a common interest, or even starting one at the local library if there's nothing in the area she wants to join. I know someone suggested this in Beth's thread about her college girl looking for friends, but it could also work for younger girls -- how about organizing a coloring group at the local library? It might attract some sweet girls who like to color, and they may also be looking for a friend, especially if they're not the most outgoing social butterflies. Coloring seems like a low-stress way for kids to get together. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I also agree with everybody who said this is not an issue to change schools over. It probably won't fix this relatively minor problem, and might give her bigger ones. *shrugs* I can't give advice on making a best friend - I had pretty much no friends at that age - but if she'd like a penpal I can offer up my own younger kiddo, like a lamb to the slaughter. Wait, that simile fell apart somewhere.... 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTRMom Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I had a best friend for grades 3-4 who ditched me in 5. A group of a few girls in grade 7. Brief friendships in 9 and 10. Another group of friends in 11-12. Didn't have a true lasting best friend until college. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I never had a friend in any age of school let alone a best friend. Of all my children only ds13 has a best friend. And it is his only friend. Their relationship is intense. They are like a couple. Hang out together any time possible, do everything together, have intense moments of giving each other the silent treatment, dispute what activity they should do together. The whole works. The boy lives next door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) nm Edited April 10, 2017 by 1234 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I don't think there is really an age or even necessarily a specific set of circumstances that lead to a best friend situation; sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 My kids' friends have always come from their extra-curriculum activities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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