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How would you interpret this wedding invite?


J-rap
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Not a big deal, just curious about how others might be interpreting this wedding invite.  The daughter of some old family friends just got married.  This was a family we homeschooled with, so kids similar ages, involved in all the same extra curricular activities in town, same church.  The mother and I are actually quite good friends.  Our kids played together when younger, but have different personalities/interests so were never super close.  (No hard feelings on either side.)  When our ds was married across the border, we invited all of them ("The Smith Family") and the parents and two of their dd's actually flew there and made a vacation out of it.  That was so nice of them!  

 

Now when their oldest dd was getting married, they sent the invite with just my husband's and my name on the envelope, not the whole family.  We are actually out of the state for several months, and couldn't attend.  I went online to RSVP, and there was a slot set up for us to RSVP, and it was indeed just for two people.  So I'm assuming none of our five children were invited, and that's fine.  They didn't go.  

 

Although some of them would have gone, had they been invited, because three of them live in the same city the wedding was held in, and they are old family friends afterall.   And another dd was invited to the shower (and went), because she is temporarily living/housesitting in our home in our hometown (and the bride's hometown; 3 hours away from the metro area where the wedding was held).

 

Anyway, this is a long explanation for something not so important;  I'm just a little concerned that if the entire family was actually assumed to be invited, it might seem unkind that none of our children went, even the one who went to the shower.  Except that since the invite didn't specifically say the entire family, nor did the RSVP list other names besides my husband's and mine, it seemed to me that really only my husband and I were invited.  

 

Is that how you would interpret it?

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An invitation addressed to the two of you should mean just that. Traditional wedding etiquette would require that if your grown children were invited, they should have been sent separate invitation in their names, whether they live in your home or elsewhere.

 

The shower invite to your dd is unusual if she was not on the wedding guest list, though shower guest lists are generally put together by someone other than the bride. Generally, anyone close enough to the couple to throw a shower is probably in a position to access the wedding guest list. Perhaps there was a mix-up?

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In my circles it would have been OK to contact the couple and say "we're not able to attend because of distance but my children A and M are in town and would love to come to represent our family, would it be OK to pass along the invitation to them?"

 

But since the event is already past no I wouldn't worry that they should have attended when they were not invited.

Edited by maize
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In my circles it would have been OK to contact the couple and say "we're not able to attend because of distance but my children A and M are in town and would love to come to represent our family, would it be OK to pass along the invitation to them?"

 

But since the event is already past no I wouldn't worry that they should have attended when they were not invited.

 

That's true -- in my circle it probably would have been okay to say that too.  But, it sounds like you all agree that just my dh and I were invited.  

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Only you and your hubby were invited. If those that don't live with you had been invited, they would have received their own invites at their addresses. I do think it is very strange to invite someone to a wedding shower and not the wedding.

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I would interpret it as very confusing.  and a mess.   someone on their side wasn't thinking clearly and things were not smooth.

 

the only having two slots for rsvp sounds like it is just you and your dh who were invited.

 

HOWEVER - it is rude to invite someone to a bridal shower if they are not also invited to the wedding.

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The invitation was only for you and your husband. However, it's not polite to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding. At least that's how it is in my world. One thing this board has taught me is that there is no such thing as standard practice when it comes to weddings any more.

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I would interpret it as very confusing.  and a mess.   someone on their side wasn't thinking clearly and things were not smooth.

 

the only having two slots for rsvp sounds like it is just you and your dh who were invited.

 

HOWEVER - it is rude to invite someone to a bridal shower if they are not also invited to the wedding.

 

I'm wondering what's confusing about the invitation?  How is it a mess?  It seems very clear to me that the parents only were invited.  Their names on the invitation; a response slot for two people.  Clear as can be. 

 

I do agree that it's rude to invite someone to a shower if they are not invited to the wedding - except for certain types, like a shower for a co-worker.  

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Seems very clear to me that the invitation was intended for only you and dh.

 

That said, it is a faux pas to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding itself.

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The DD who was invited separately to the shower--how was she invited? Is it possible she received a separate invitation to the wedding? I can't tell how old your kids are on my phone, but if she is living on her own, I'd assume adult. I'd have sent the adults their own invitations. Minor children would be listed on the parents' invite if they were invited.

 

If the bride invited DD to the shower and not the wedding, that would be a faux pas. It may have been sent without her checking the lists if it was an old church group throwing the shower and trying to invite lots of people who knew the bride. My parents' church throws everyone showers. These are listed in the weekly bulletin. I haven't been in years, but they threw one for a woman who grew up in the church with me and whose mom was a longtime member. She had a very private ceremony with under 10 people.

 

Just possibilities...I agree that only you and DH were invited based on the wording of the invitation you received.

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I would assume only you and your husband were invited and would think it was kind of rude to invite one of your dd's to the shower but not the wedding.

 

*shrug* People have to operate on a budget.

 

I have assumed that, in just such a case - and been wrong. 

 

We got an invite addressed to Dh and myself, by name. as in "Julie Smith and John Smith" no mention of the children. So we didn't bring them. It was tricky to arrange babysitting. The wedding was out of town so we were gone for two days and one night. Turns out that, "Well of course we meant the children to come, you're a family". 

 

Since then I have always called. I frame it as politely as possible on the phone, and try to get the point across that I have no expectations either way, and would be happy either way. Since doing that I have always been right. :) When Dh or I talk to the bride / bride's mother we are always able to read between the lines and find the answer.  I try to state, indirectly or directly, "I don't care if other people's kids are coming. Other people may have their reasons from having the kids along. My kids would be happy either way. Dh and I would be happy either way. We could easily find babysitting. So what would YOU prefer?" I also just talk to them for awhile, read between the lines, and just go with what I think they would prefer. Sometimes that is leave the kids, sometimes that is bring the kids. 

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I have assumed that, in just such a case - and been wrong. 

 

We got an invite addressed to Dh and myself, by name. as in "Julie Smith and John Smith" no mention of the children. So we didn't bring them. It was tricky to arrange babysitting. The wedding was out of town so we were gone for two days and one night. Turns out that, "Well of course we meant the children to come, you're a family". 

 

Since then I have always called. I frame it as politely as possible on the phone, and try to get the point across that I have no expectations either way, and would be happy either way. Since doing that I have always been right. :) When Dh or I talk to the bride / bride's mother we are always able to read between the lines and find the answer.  I try to state, indirectly or directly, "I don't care if other people's kids are coming. Other people may have their reasons from having the kids along. My kids would be happy either way. Dh and I would be happy either way. We could easily find babysitting. So what would YOU prefer?" I also just talk to them for awhile, read between the lines, and just go with what I think they would prefer. Sometimes that is leave the kids, sometimes that is bring the kids. 

 

Julie, this is not directed at you, but your comment brings up a point.

 

People sometimes complain about onerous etiquette rules.  But this is a perfect case where a good rule exists, if people would only use it.

 

The invitation should state the names of the people invited. That's it.  If someone is invited, their name should be on the invitation - or, in the case of a family, "the Smith Family" or "John and Julie Smith and family" or the like.  

 

If a name is not on the invitation, that person is not invited.  End of story. 

 

No need for confusion, for phone calls to clear things up.  Just follow the rules.  I guess I should add that I'm talking about US culture, the group that would be most likely to have been exposed to Emily Post et al, and the group which I believe we are talking about.   It is super easy to find information about invitation etiquette; I don't know why people don't follow it.

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I think she very clearly only invited you and your husband. However, there's a chance she might not understand she did that :-). I don't think people understand this stuff anymore, so it wouldn't be out of line to call and clarify or ask to transfer the invitation to other family members. Unless the invitation is from Ellie, it's hard to trust that it means what it says.

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I would assume only you and your husband were invited and would think it was kind of rude to invite one of your dd's to the shower but not the wedding.

 

*shrug* People have to operate on a budget.

Agree. I've noticed lately that people seem unaware or unconcerned that proper etiquette specifies that only guests invited to a wedding should be invited to a shower, with the exception of showers held by coworkers at a place of employment.

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Only you and dh were invited to the wedding. The shower is not connected to the wedding, as different people may organize that. The shower organizers may have no idea at all who will be invited to the wedding. 

 

What if the wedding couple had planned a small, destination wedding? Does that still mean only wedding attendees go to a shower? Seems like an outdated and illogical etiquette rule to me. 

Edited by wintermom
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The DD who was invited separately to the shower--how was she invited? Is it possible she received a separate invitation to the wedding? I can't tell how old your kids are on my phone, but if she is living on her own, I'd assume adult. I'd have sent the adults their own invitations. Minor children would be listed on the parents' invite if they were invited.

 

If the bride invited DD to the shower and not the wedding, that would be a faux pas. It may have been sent without her checking the lists if it was an old church group throwing the shower and trying to invite lots of people who knew the bride. My parents' church throws everyone showers. These are listed in the weekly bulletin. I haven't been in years, but they threw one for a woman who grew up in the church with me and whose mom was a longtime member. She had a very private ceremony with under 10 people.

 

Just possibilities...I agree that only you and DH were invited based on the wording of the invitation you received.

 

It was one of the mom's best friends who was hosting the shower, and who invited her. It was a smaller, more personal shower.  The host is also a good friend of mine, and knows that the bride's family and ours are long-time friends.  She probably didn't even realize that my dd's name was not on the wedding invite.  This dd is in her early 20's but lives at home still.  Another younger dd is away at college.  The others are older still and living independently.  (The dd who attended the shower was fine with it all.  She is very laid back and probably didn't give the whole thing a second thought!  She was happy to support her old homeschool chum at the shower.)

 

ETA:  Oh, and there was no second invite.  This dd lives with us.

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We got an invite addressed to Dh and myself, by name. as in "Julie Smith and John Smith" no mention of the children. So we didn't bring them. It was tricky to arrange babysitting. The wedding was out of town so we were gone for two days and one night. Turns out that, "Well of course we meant the children to come, you're a family". 

 

 

 

This is a thought I had in the back of my mind.  Of course my children are all older.

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What if the wedding couple had planned a small, destination wedding? Does that still mean only wedding attendees go to a shower? Seems like an outdated and illogical etiquette rule to me. 

 

This would definitely make sense, and is how was we handled it for my older dd, who was married in Central America (out of necessity -- not because she was choosing a fancy, destination wedding!).

 

But that was kind of funny, because in the country my son-in-law is from, if you get a wedding invite, even if it's just to you, you can assume that anyone in your family line is welcome.  This means that you can bring your great-uncle, all your second cousins, etc. etc.  It was a little tricky for my dd to figure out the best way to handle it all and get numbers for the caterer.  :)

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These were my thoughts, exactly.

I would assume only you and your husband were invited and would think it was kind of rude to invite one of your dd's to the shower but not the wedding.

 

*shrug* People have to operate on a budget.

 

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The kids weren't close. I wouldn't expect them to be close now. I'm not even sure why your dd was invited to the shower (assume the mom helped make the guest list for that then??) but since she was it seems like she should be invited to the wedding. That happened to me once and I was a bit put off (invited by a former coworker to a shower but not the wedding. Come to find out the wedding was super small so only very close family/friends).

 

Unless your dd was invited to the wedding and didn't mention receiving an invitation at her address?

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I'm wondering what's confusing about the invitation?  How is it a mess?  It seems very clear to me that the parents only were invited.  Their names on the invitation; a response slot for two people.  Clear as can be. 

 

I do agree that it's rude to invite someone to a shower if they are not invited to the wedding - except for certain types, like a shower for a co-worker.  

 

inviting a daughter to the bridal shower - but not the wedding was rude and sends mixed messages.

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The kids weren't close. I wouldn't expect them to be close now. I'm not even sure why your dd was invited to the shower (assume the mom helped make the guest list for that then??) but since she was it seems like she should be invited to the wedding. That happened to me once and I was a bit put off (invited by a former coworker to a shower but not the wedding. Come to find out the wedding was super small so only very close family/friends).

 

Unless your dd was invited to the wedding and didn't mention receiving an invitation at her address?

 

No, she wasn't invited; her address is our address.  And it was a rather big wedding!  

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I have assumed that, in just such a case - and been wrong. 

 

We got an invite addressed to Dh and myself, by name. as in "Julie Smith and John Smith" no mention of the children. So we didn't bring them. It was tricky to arrange babysitting. The wedding was out of town so we were gone for two days and one night. Turns out that, "Well of course we meant the children to come, you're a family". 

 

Since then I have always called. I frame it as politely as possible on the phone, and try to get the point across that I have no expectations either way, and would be happy either way. Since doing that I have always been right. :) When Dh or I talk to the bride / bride's mother we are always able to read between the lines and find the answer.  I try to state, indirectly or directly, "I don't care if other people's kids are coming. Other people may have their reasons from having the kids along. My kids would be happy either way. Dh and I would be happy either way. We could easily find babysitting. So what would YOU prefer?" I also just talk to them for awhile, read between the lines, and just go with what I think they would prefer. Sometimes that is leave the kids, sometimes that is bring the kids. 

 

Same happened here. Invite was just to my husband and I, and then we found out, two days before the wedding, they expected the kids to come and even had arranged to have coloring materials and such at the tables during the reception to keep them busy, etc. They begged us to bring them. So we did. Then it turned out the buffet didn't even START until 9:30pm!!! We had to leave very "early" but seriously!

 

(this was probably a culture clash issue...the bride and groom were from the west indies I believe)

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