Creep-o-meter babysitting question

[Aubrey]

We have new neighbors--a former pastor, his wife, their 18yo daughter. My first thought was: insta-sitter!!! LOL

 

But then my mother-instinct kicked in, & I realized...I don't know these people. So I've taken bread up to them, invited them down for coffee, etc. But you know how it is...getting to know people can be pretty slow-going.

 

I expect these people are perfectly nice & fine, but...since they live above us...well...I guess it seems like I should be surer first. Dh thinks I'm nuts. But, ya know, these are our kids. *If* something were to happen, it's not like a car or something that can be replaced. Fwiw, I have a vivid & macabre imagination, & I don't trust people easily. Even the church nursery makes me suspicious. At almost all churches. LOL

 

ETA: We really only need someone to sit in the apt after the dc are in bed. You know, get them out in case of fire. For an hr or 2.

 

My concern is not w/ the daughter, but the father (Aubrey whispers). I'm probably the biggest schlutz on the planet for even considering that, but...you know, they'll be asleep, &...the really nice guy is right upstairs worrying that he can only type w/ 2 fingers, &...what if he's not nice? :o

Edited October 24, 2008 by Aubrey

[snickelfritz]

Could you do a trial run with your oldest ones, since they would probably gladly "tell all?" I would probably start with short periods and work up to leaving the younger ones.

 

A friend came home to a trashed house and the 4 year old told all about (and used motions) to show the girl looking at her phone and moving her fingers. Apparently, she text-messaged all night while the 2 year old and 4 year old tore the house apart. And this was a sitter that came with references from friends and attended our church.

[LaxMom]

Uh-huh. I'm sure they are perfectly lovely, but there are irresponsible (or psychotic) teenagers in all sorts of families. I would totally want to get to know them first. FWIW, we have had exactly 1 non-family member sitter, ever, and that is a teenager we have known for several years.

[teamturner]

It is very wise and prudent of you to get to know them better before you entrust your dc to them. And even then, I'd try to start out with outings w/your dh that are after the kids are already in bed (or almost w/the olders) and then see how that goes first. Perhaps you could ask the 18 yo if she has any babysitting references? I've always used sitters that came recommended to me or that I already knew from church or something. Either way, I hope you and dh get to have some date time soon! :D

[8filltheheart]

How about hiring her in situations initially where you are there? That way you can observe how she interacts with the kids.

[Lacie]

They have nanny cams that you can see from your laptop or cell phone... if you have the money, you might look in to something like that to help you feel secure. - Michelle

[Aubrey]

Could you do a trial run with your oldest ones, since they would probably gladly "tell all?" I would probably start with short periods and work up to leaving the younger ones.

 

A friend came home to a trashed house and the 4 year old told all about (and used motions) to show the girl looking at her phone and moving her fingers. Apparently, she text-messaged all night while the 2 year old and 4 year old tore the house apart. And this was a sitter that came with references from friends and attended our church.

 

We really only need someone to sit in the apt after the dc are in bed. You know, get them out in case of fire. For an hr or 2.

 

My concern is not w/ the daughter, but the father (Aubrey whispers). I'm probably the biggest schlutz on the planet for even considering that, but...you know, they'll be asleep, &...the really nice guy is right upstairs worrying that he can only type w/ 2 fingers, &...what if he's not nice? :o

[Titus.Two.Five]

I would have to know someone *very* well for them to ever babysit my kids. I can honestly say that I don't know any of my neighbors well enough, and I do know them. :lol:

 

We stick with Grandma, thank you.

[lovemyboys]

Could you do a trial run with your oldest ones, since they would probably gladly "tell all?" I would probably start with short periods and work up to leaving the younger ones.

 

 

Totally agree. I felt so much better when I could leave mine and ds was old enough to tell me interesting things that had happened (and did :D). It was very reassuring.

[Aubrey]

I would have to know someone *very* well for them to ever babysit my kids. I can honestly say that I don't know any of my neighbors well enough, and I do know them. :lol:

 

We stick with Grandma, thank you.

 

Unfortunately, Grandma's in another state. But since we're in seminary housing, our neighbors have become pretty close.

[Titus.Two.Five]

Unfortunately, Grandma's in another state. But since we're in seminary housing, our neighbors have become pretty close.

 

Ah! I see. That could definitely change my Grandma only rule. :glare:

[Kelli in TN]

I may not be the best person to respond to this because I was hyper-protective of my kids when they were little.

 

Okay, well, when they were/are big too. I am just hyper-protective.

 

The situation you are describing? Not a chance. Nope, nope, nope.

 

My babysitters were trusted family friends. I just felt like there was no place I needed to go that was so important that I would leave my kids with strangers.

[Vida Winter]

I would absolutely check it out more and give it some time before hiring a babysitter. You have that nagging feeling for a reason so pay attention. If you have not read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker please get it from the library. It can help you understand why paying attention to those "instinct" feelings is terribly important in order to safeguard your children and yourself.

[Kelli in TN]

Unfortunately, Grandma's in another state. But since we're in seminary housing, our neighbors have become pretty close.

 

Ok. I forgot you are in seminary housing. That might change things a bit, but I would still let more time go by until I felt perfect peace. Not peace that I talked myself into feeling, either.

[joannqn]

Follow your gut. If you are feeling uncomfortable for any reason, don't do it.

 

I disagree with feeling safer leaving kids with babysitters after they can talk. Kids that are old enough to talk can still be compelled into silence with bribes or threats. I was sexually abused by my neighbor/babysitter between the ages of 6 to 11 and never told my parents while it was happening. I had been threatened in a way that kept me silent.

 

I don't have any family in the area. The closest is 2 1/2 hours away. I have a few people I trust to care for my kids. Because some of them are 30+ minutes away and others are just busy, we almost never use a sitter. In fact, my husband and I haven't been on a date without children in over 2 years. The risk just isn't worth it for us.

[keptwoman]

I say if your creep-o-meter is blaring you should listen to it. I have been proven correct in two instances when my creep-o-meter went off.

[Daisy]

Okay, my perspective is very skewed. Preacher's kid here. Preacher's kid whose Dad wasn't so nice. Never. Ever. Will I leave my children will someone I don't know WELL. And even if I know them well and they give me the slightest unease. Forget it.

[Harriet Vane]

To me it doesn't matter that he's a pastor, that he's in seminary, or that he seems nice.

 

I never, ever leave my kids with strangers. Ever. I leave them with people I know well, people I have known for years, as good friends. As far as I am concerned, childhood is fleeting, and I do not take risks. Like you, I don't trust church nurseries or other babysitting situations easily.

 

Of course I do have the luxury of having both an amazing set of in-laws and a good group of friends who look out for each other. I almost never have to hire a sitter because there is always a friend available to trade with.

[Danestress]

At 18, there is no way I would have signed up to babysit four kids including a little baby. I definitely thought there were better ways to make money, and the Moms always said that they would be in bed the whole time, but kids never seem to sleep for me. Apparently I am too fun:) Anyway, put out feelers first.

 

Honestly, I would be a lot more scared of the girl than the Dad. The thought of the Dad coming down and doing something while his daughter is in charge seems pretty far fetched. The possibility that she would talk on the cell phone all night or give a child unauthorized benedryl to make him sleep or would invite her weirdo boy friend over seems a lot more likely.

 

Personally, I would have to know her better, and probably would need to know friends who have been happy with her sitting, and even then, I would come back way early occasionally and see what's happening when she isn't expecting you. Just because she's a former pastor's child doesn't mean she's going to care for your children well. I'd look into it though. I know you need a night out.

[snickelfritz]

Do you get a creepy feeling from them? Or just feel creepy trusting anyone in this stage of "getting to know you."

[ChristusG]

I have a very "vivid" imagination, as you said that you do. I admit, I'm a worrier. A very big worrier. I do not leave my kids with people that I do not know. Heck, I wont leave my kids with people that I DO know LOL. My parents live right around the corner from us and my 15 year old sister and 24 year old sister live with them. I have four built in babysitters right there. They are the only ones that we use to watch our kids. But even then, we just do not leave our kids a lot.

 

Kids are irreplaceable and I will not leave them with a strangers.

[Scarlett]

I'm not the best person to ask....My 8 yo son has rarely been left with someone other than my mom. My 20 yo niece lives with us now, and she has a younger than her girlfriend visiting this weekend...dh and I are leaving ds with them all day tomorrow while we go out of town to a ball game...I KNOW these girls. I TRUST these girls...and yet it just makes me nervous! I think I am over protective....but my motto is better safe than sorry.

[CalicoKat]

I say if your creep-o-meter is blaring you should listen to it. I have been proven correct in two instances when my creep-o-meter went off.

:iagree: first of all you said "former pastor." What's the story there?

 

My sis was molested by our former youth pastor, while he & his wife babysat. I was being groomed to be his next victim. We moved before he got to me, and my sis never told my folks. They found out years later when this man went to jail for molesting tons of kids in our church.

 

Trust the inner mama bear.

[CookieMonster]

Ok. I forgot you are in seminary housing. That might change things a bit, but I would still let more time go by until I felt perfect peace. Not peace that I talked myself into feeling, either.

 

:iagree:

 

:iagree:

 

:iagree:

 

I don't think you're nuts, or weird, or morbid. Not that you couldn't be that way, but at this stage? When you've just met them? Puh-lease! All you're doing is being realistic.

 

If your creep-o-meter has gone off, stay away. Just trust it. I don't care who it is in the family you don't trust.

 

Now, after time, if your creep-o-meter genuinely feels better with the daughter, you might consider it. But for now, I would say no.

[Joanne]

Coming at this from another perspective.......

 

I'm not sure from your post if your generalized fear or your creep-o-meter is talking. :001_huh:

 

I completely, totally, and absolutely tell people to honor their "alarm bells" if a specific situation or person registers as "danger", "not quite right" or "off". In *this* situation, has the guy you are worried about set alarm bells?

 

OTOH, unlike many posters here and in the homeschooling community at large, I believe that downtime/away time is vital to the health of individuals and marriage. I see "I never leave my kids" or "I rarely leave my kids" taken to extremes (it almost seems like a competition at times) that are not healthy. IMO, the risks of *not* using well selected support are more frequent than the risk of molestation.

 

I do agree with reading (and utilizing the principles of) Protecting The Gift by Gavin de Becker.

[Aubrey]

Coming at this from another perspective.......

 

I'm not sure from your post if your generalized fear or your creep-o-meter is talking. :001_huh:

 

I completely, totally, and absolutely tell people to honor their "alarm bells" if a specific situation or person registers as "danger", "not quite right" or "off". In *this* situation, has the guy you are worried about set alarm bells?

 

OTOH, unlike many posters here and in the homeschooling community at large, I believe that downtime/away time is vital to the health of individuals and marriage. I see "I never leave my kids" or "I rarely leave my kids" taken to extremes (it almost seems like a competition at times) that are not healthy. IMO, the risks of *not* using well selected support are more frequent than the risk of molestation.

 

I do agree with reading (and utilizing the principles of) Protecting The Gift by Gavin de Becker.

 

Thanks, Joanne. I think this is really good advice. I really like this family so far, & I want to get to know them better. I am wildly suspicious by nature, so they're probably exactly what they seem: nice people. But I'm not as comfortable w/ this man yet as I have been w/ others in the past. He's generally very quiet & respectful & kind, but there have been exceptions when he's been...I don't know...a little loud & crass. Nothing very offensive, but the stark contrast in behavior is probably what has unnerved me. But he's also from another state, w/ a slightly different culture, etc.

 

He & dh have a class together & are doing a project together. I think I'll just hold off another mo or so & keep inviting them over, etc. In the mean time, there's a lady here in the apt complex who keeps kids, but since she's got kids of her own, I don't want to ask her to come here. I'm also paying her a little more than I'd expect to pay a teenager.

 

I definitely agree w/ your point about needing time away, though. I've noticed that even if we put the dc to bed early, just *being* in this cramped little apt lends itself to talking about day-to-day concerns, washing dishes while we talk, etc. It's too easy not to focus on one another.

 

Whereas, I've also noticed that when we *do* have time away together, say once a mo or more, the day-to-day conversations are friendlier & more intimate. If that makes sense.

 

Anyway, thanks again for posting to this thread. I'm glad to have your input rolling around in my head, too. :001_smile:

[BusyMum]

I am so glad I am not the only one who can't leave her kids with a sitter! I even paid for my sister to fly up to babysit for an evening a couple of weeks ago so DH and I could go see Phantom of the Opera.

 

We moved to our current house a year ago and have lovely neighbours. The older couple next door have offered several times to help out but I just can't do it. Something inside me says "I don't know these people well enough! This is a season in our life and it will pass and we will be able to go out all we want. I can wait."

[BusyMum]

Whereas, I've also noticed that when we *do* have time away together, say once a mo or more, the day-to-day conversations are friendlier & more intimate. If that makes sense.

 

What about setting a mood? Turn out the lights and watch a movie together or thrash each other at Monopoly. My husband and I take Wednesday nights as OUR night. Once the kids are in bed we watch a DVD together or play a game. The ground rules are no talking about finances, problems with the kids, issues at work and so on. A little bit of light-hearted silliness goes a long way in the week.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

This is the thing that has prevented me from utilizing strangers (or not very close acquaintances) as sitters, even when the kids could talk. So, you come home after a wonderful time with dh, and your kid tells you some nightmarish tale of what happened while you were gone. What then? The fallout can be much scarier than the actual event. Now you have a traumatized child. This has been my reason for not having dates very often. I have left my children with other couples who have children but they have always been people whom we consider to be dear friends. Other than that, I leave them with relatives. Now, I am beginning to leave them alone together with my oldest (nearing 14) in charge. I still don't leave them alone in the evenings, though.

 

As far as being unhealthy in marriage goes, yes, I get that. It is rough sometimes to balance the needs of the marriage with the needs of the children. However, we have always found a way to do it without compromising the kids' needs. And, now that we are out of the forest of diapers and baby food, past the ocean of demands, and wandering our way into the vast openness of the teen years, we are finding it easier. We have more passion in our relationship now than we have had since before children. It is a season, and a short one at that.

[joannqn]

OTOH, unlike many posters here and in the homeschooling community at large, I believe that downtime/away time is vital to the health of individuals and marriage. I see "I never leave my kids" or "I rarely leave my kids" taken to extremes (it almost seems like a competition at times) that are not healthy. IMO, the risks of *not* using well selected support are more frequent than the risk of molestation.

 

 

Funny thing for us, I've seen that time alone as a couple (ie. date nights) has had no bearing on the health of our relationship. Our relationship was at it's worst during the time we had and used a couple of trustworthy sitters. Our relationship is now at its best, and improving steadily, despite the fact that we haven't had available sitters for over two years. I wonder if that's coinsidence or related somehow.

 

For us, it's not that we "don't use sitters" for the sake of not using them. We don't have anyone that both meets our level of trust and is available to babysit. The people we'd ask to babysit (other parents we know) are so busy. We also don't feel our youngest is ready to be left in the care of strangers (to him) yet.

 

That said, my daughter is spending the day at a friend's house so that she doesn't have to be bored at my son's taekwondo tournament Saturday. That counts as babysitting, right? The toddler is going with me, though. He's not ready to be left nor would leaving him be enjoyable for my friend. He's more than a handful!

[chanda7]

Although it is no help, I just want you to know I share your concerns. Our kids have only been watched by one of our parents (except one time - one of them was watched by our minister and his wife, very old family friends). We've been blessed to have our families so close. I suspect another reason I feel this way is I never had a babysitter outside of family, either.

 

It freaks me out to send my kids to Sunday school at a church we are visiting out-of-town.

[teachermom_7]

I don't think you're being too over-protective ~ they're YOUR kids!

 

Being from a family in the law enforcement background, the one "red flag" that comes to my mind is the fact thay they'll be asleep. Not so much what might happen with your children, but not knowing who / what else would be in the apt with NO ONE knowing (get my drift??).

 

I completely agree with some of the other suggestions ~ hire her in a setting where you'll be "around," let her watch the older ones who would tell you what happens, and, they "might" get offended, but again they're YOUR kids, ask for references. If she's that old, you know she's babysat before. Just explain to her parents that you're looking for a part time sitter on a regular basis, it's very convenient that she's right upstairs, but that you always check references no matter who it is. If there's nothing to be concerned about, they won't fuss.

 

If you do choose to use her, set ground rules that CANNOT be broken ~ NO ONE in the house (not even her parents!).

 

I know we can't explain it Biblically, but I completely trust my motherly instinct! I think God puts it there as an added protection barrier where our kids are concerned. Pray about, and trust your instincts.

 

Good luck!

 

Tammie in LA :blush:

[E_Edgerton]

I think you should trust those instincts, they are your children. I would just interview some people for the position, no matter how few the hours and find someone you feel right with. Good luck!

[Robin Hood]

When the time is right, you'll know. Sometimes you're forced into the right time, though, and ya'all move up a step in child development in knowing what to expect from your kids and your sitters.

 

I've always had a mist trust of teens and men. I have found 2 14yos, now 16, who are awesome. They bring toys and costumes from their own collections and are totally into playing with my kids. They are always in bed pretty close to timely and I have even come home to the kids being fully engrossed into stories the teens are reading. I trust these two young women with my kids because they are totally into the kids when they are here.

 

On the other hand, my fear with teens has been confirmed. One 16yo moved in a few doors down and my first thought was, "Cool, I don't have to drive to get the other girls now." I asked if she would come over one morning very early, 5:00 am, because dh was out of town and I had a paper route to cover. I would be gone for two hours. She was very agreeable and said anytime. I already knew her and her parents and they are good, decent people. I had no fears of unmentionable things. But she showed up with a friend. At 5:00 am. Ok. So be it, I had to go. A month later, I asked her again for the same favor. Since I heard from her too late, I made other arrangements in the mean time. In acquiring her services and when I cancelled her, it was through her parents. I saw her later in the day downtown and approached her to apologize personally that it didn't work out and to find out if she would be available again at a later date. Halfway into my first sentence, she cut me off, held up her phone (which I never heard ring) and said, "Sorry, I have a phone call." and ran off. Now, she has shown up with a friend once and rudely cut me off another time in response to a phone call. She came up to me a few weeks later and asked me not to forget about her if I need a baby sitter. With a smile I said, "A...., I will remember you. Thanks for the reminder." What she didn't know is that I will remember not to use her. Her first priority in not my kids. It's her friends. I still use my other 2 sitters, even though I have to drive to get them, even recently having had one spend the night with us because of my early morning route.

 

I feel blessed to have found young people who get it, even if I have to go get them.

[stripe]

I used to babysit my neighbor's baby as a teenager when he was asleep. I vaguely remember spending some time with the neighbor (mother) before I started that, like going to the zoo with them and spending the afternoon with them at home. I think that's the best way.

 

On the mothering front, I have never left my kids with any non-relative (yet?). When I was young, my mother kept having freakish people (she discovered later) babysit me. I don't remember those but I do remember a few teenage girls who told me creepy stories that gave me nightmares, so I'm all for being protective!