Jump to content

Menu

Updated in Post #53: Neighbor with dementia . . . how to help?


Tenaj
 Share

Recommended Posts

We've been dealing with an issue in our neighborhood for a few months now but last week it intensified so I'm coming to the hive for advice.

 

Our neighbor lady, 62 years old, has developed severe osteoporosis over the past year and also some kind of dementia.  There is no official diagnosis because she hasn't been to a dr. for the dementia issues.  The problem we are facing is that her husband works second shift and leaves her alone from about 1 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. every evening.    Last Monday, she showed up on my doorstep at about 8 obviously distressed, worried that she couldn't find anybody.  She came in the house and I reminded her that her dh was at work but at that time I didn't know what time he would return.  She stayed at our house, confused and upset until about 10:15 when I took her home.  Her house was completely dark and I realized that she didn't remember how to turn on the lights!  She is in general very confused, forgetting her husband's name, forgetting that her mother passed about 5 years ago, the list could go on and on.

 

The same thing repeated on Tuesday night.  By this time her husband had called me, explained that he had a dr. appointment for Friday morning, apologizing for the state of the house (it was a mess!) and basically more concerned that I had seen the inside of the house than what was going on with his wife.  The appointment on Friday never happened . . pretty sure he lied to me about having it in the first place.

 

The rest of the week I didn't let her into the house when she came over, just settled her down, gave her food for her supper and walked her back home.  It's a consistent issue that she can't remember how to turn on the lights.  Another concern is that they don't keep food in the house.  Really . . they live on fast food.  I know that in the past they went at least a year without a working refrigerator.  He seems to be leaving sandwiches from Arby's and such for her but she either doesn't want them or doesn't remember they are there and so comes over saying she hasn't eaten all day.  That doesn't bother me as much as her being left alone when she is scared and can't remember what is going on.  It's not that she's showing up on my doorstep one time a night either, on Friday she came over four times between 8 and 10.

 

One of the things that was happening last week was she had to come over to ask her husband's phone number.  Not sure she ever called because she really can't remember how to work her cell phone any more.

 

We don't mind helping out, really.  In fact, I'm planning on providing her a plate for supper every night but having her sit here every evening for hours isn't going to work either.  I still have six kids at home and with their activities we are often only all together for that hour from 8 to bedtime!  But when she's crying and upset it's very difficult to turn her away and walk her home.  

 

Not sure what to ask except what should I do?  Is it neglect to not take the poor lady to a dr. and get an official diagnosis?  Is it neglect to leave her alone when she can't even turn on a light or get her own food ready?  

 

 

Edited by JanOH
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds as if the husband either doesn't have a clue what to do, is in denial about his wife's problems, or doesn't care.   It does sound like neglect to me.  Does your state have an adult protective services agency?   I'd look into that.  They may send a social worker out to see what's going on. 

 

Do other neighbors know her?  

 

I think it's wonderful of you to help her.  Be careful though, that her husband doesn't try to shove responsibility off on you.  With some people, once you do one thing for them, they expect more and more till it's unsustainable. 

  • Like 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This hits home to me.  My sister-in-law passed away last week from the effects of Alzheimer's and she was only in her 60's as well.  

 

I'm sure this husband is overwhelmed with his wife's needs.  It sounds as if they weren't managing life all that well in the first place and now he obviously needs to continue to work, but you're right, this woman cannot be left alone.  

 

Do they have any family around?  Can you call social services to discover what resources may be available for them and help them get information?  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would be calling adult protective services. Not to get him in trouble, but to have them start the process of getting her help. I think he has had plenty of chances. It's poor people like this that go missing when they get lost and many times have sad outcomes. I may also alert any neighbors to be on the look out for her in case you are not home.

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are very sweet to be trying to help her.  Is there an "Elder Care" line in your area?  If not, I would call the non-emergency of your local police department and ask to speak with the Crime Prevention person or department. Possibly they can give you a phone number to call.  She is a danger to herself if she is wandering around and doesn't know how to turn on the lights or use her cell phone or what number to call and not eating.  If there is no Elder Care line and your local P.D. has no suggestions, possibly a Social Worker in a local hospital can provide some suggestions. However, if her DH does not want to get help for her, the state may need to take custody of her.  If she is wandering around, I think they have bands for people so that if they wander, they can be tracked. Elderly people are frequently subjects of searches, when they wander off. Again, you are very sweet to be trying to help her!

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That poor woman.  :(  She's lucky to have you as a neighbor.

 

I agree that you need to call protective services. If you don't know who to call, I'm sure someone at your local police department could advise you on what should be done.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would agree that you need to contact someone to help, unless you can get through to her dh and he gets her treatment.  Though if you have compassionate elderly services in the area, they would be the best people to help him find the help he needs. Also, read about sundowning.  For some reason, those with dementia get much worse in the evening.  Since her dh works second shift, he may not realize how bad it gets when he is gone.  He may also not realize how much support he is giving her when he is there.  I went through a period where no one believed me about how bad my relative was.  He could fake it through the day, but the evenings and nights were horrible.  I was the only one to witness that (along with ds), and everyone thought I was exaggerating the situation.

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

And, bless you for being so kind and compassionate.  There is no way you can take over her evening care and continue your life. She needs caregivers of some sort while he is gone, but it is wonderful for you to keep an eye out and care so much.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds as if the husband either doesn't have a clue what to do, is in denial about his wife's problems, or doesn't care. It does sound like neglect to me. Does your state have an adult protective services agency? I'd look into that. They may send a social worker out to see what's going on.

 

Do other neighbors know her?

 

I think it's wonderful of you to help her. Be careful though, that her husband doesn't try to shove responsibility off on you. With some people, once you do one thing for them, they expect more and more till it's unsustainable.

I agree that - even though this may be the farthest from her husband's intentions! - this could fall into the category of elder abuse.

 

Is there an way you (and perhaps your husband, if you think that would help the man take you more seriously) could speak with him more than in passing? Let him know you believe this is a dangerous situation and make some suggestions to help? Suggest/offer to help automatic timers on lights? Provide contact information for Meals on Wheels, Alzheimer's Association, local Council on Aging? If he doesn't respond in a way that is appreciative of your help, it may be necessary to contact an Elder Abuse hotline.

 

I think most people don't anticipate aging well, especially dementia. Age 62, that's really young, it probably wasn't on their radar screens and the husband really may not have a clue how to handle the situation. Sounds like their independent skills weren't stellar before dementia set in, that makes the challenge all the greater.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would agree that you need to contact someone to help, unless you can get through to her dh and he gets her treatment. Though if you have compassionate elderly services in the area, they would be the best people to help him find the help he needs. Also, read about sundowning. For some reason, those with dementia get much worse in the evening. Since her dh works second shift, he may not realize how bad it gets when he is gone. He may also not realize how much support he is giving her when he is there. I went through a period where no one believed me about how bad my relative was. He could fake it through the day, but the evenings and nights were horrible. I was the only one to witness that (along with ds), and everyone thought I was exaggerating the situation.

Excellent points, joules! This is SOOO true! My experience with a demented elderly relative has been similar - it's taken a long time for many who have less than daily (and all-hours-of-the-day daily) contact to realize just how serious the memory issues are. Evenings definitely worse.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is definitely a very unsafe and untenable situation for your neighbors. Are you in Ohio (guessing from your user name)? This fact sheet says to call the local police: https://jfs.ohio.gov/factsheets/APS_FactSheet.pdf

 

PLEASE do it. They will know where he can get help and services. He is very unlikely to be arrested or face any charges; this is about getting them help and support. My sister works for a similar agency in IL so I know how this rolls. 

 

She is at great risk of harm or death if she wanders off. Please help keep her safe.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would agree that you need to contact someone to help, unless you can get through to her dh and he gets her treatment.  Though if you have compassionate elderly services in the area, they would be the best people to help him find the help he needs. Also, read about sundowning.  For some reason, those with dementia get much worse in the evening.  Since her dh works second shift, he may not realize how bad it gets when he is gone.  He may also not realize how much support he is giving her when he is there.  I went through a period where no one believed me about how bad my relative was.  He could fake it through the day, but the evenings and nights were horrible.  I was the only one to witness that (along with ds), and everyone thought I was exaggerating the situation.

The sundowning  is very interesting! I had no idea, but it makes a lot of things about my mother's former neighbor make sense. My mom was her only support for years and it got very hard for my mom to have her own life.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He is probably overwhelmed, embarrassed, not a caregiver type, and has no idea how much help he is providing when he is around.  He may also have failed to get help because he doesn't have a clue who to call and is afraid people will blame him somehow or demand more of him for her care than he feels he can do. Do they have children?  Does anyone ever visit them?  He may be avoiding people coming to the house since he cannot keep it clean.  He may have Executive Function deficits and just can't keep up with anything anymore.  He could also be suffering from depression.

 

If you are comfortable then maybe you and your husband could talk to him more formally and offer suggestions for places he could call for help.  If not, I agree with the others, call whatever Elder care services you have in your area and see what they can do.

 

Kuddos to you for stepping in.  Many don't and the results can be tragic.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Having been the primary caretaker for my mom with Alzheimer's . . .

 

I would urge you to:

 

1) Stop over with a tray of cookies or similar . . . and have a heart to heart with the husband, bring a list of phone numbers for your local Council on Aging, etc, etc. Call your own family doctor and ask for a list of referrals to resources for this person. (And DR office surely deals with these issues.) Google up some resources. Make some calls. Make a list. Give him the list, and tell him you're worried, and that he needs to get help, and ask if they have children who they can talk to about resources? Then, keep an eye on things over a couple weeks. See if they're improving. Stop back over after a week or so, and ask him if any of the resources were helpful . . . 

 

2) If (1) is rejected and/or you see things are not improving, call Adult Protective Services. (I'd allow a week or so to wait for improvements even if he rejects your outreach at first . . . Just your contact might inspire him, even if he SEEMS unresponsive. 

 

3) And, of course, if you have any way of figuring out the identity of any decent adult children, contact them immediately!

 

He needs help, and he clearly isn't getting it. If he won't get it on his own, hopefully APS will make it happen. (((hugs)))

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree about first trying to talk to the spouse. It's pretty incredible the power that denial can have. I've seen over and over people who are otherwise mentally healthy react to onset of dementia with denial. Sometimes it is because it has creeped up on them and they've made adjustments to the extent that all the adjustments just seem normal. 

 

Also, in addition to sundowning, just the situation in which she is alone so has no one to orient her could make her behavior much different when he is not there. 

 

He may also not want to "put her away" , I think that is a big factor in kind of "hoping for the best." He may not be able to afford a caregiver when he's gone or not know what services he might access that he could afford. He is at a disadvantage due to his hours because many senior care centers are 9-5 operations. She is probably eligible for disabiility and that could help pay for the care she needs. 

 

So I would talk with him first about what you've observed and maybe see if you can get some information to give him so he knows where to turn. And then get adult protective services involved if there is no change. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Agreeing with the above advice.

 

Would timers on the lights be helpful to her?

 

Depending on their housing situation, etc they might be able to find someone to help keep an eye on her in exchange for room and board.....Maybe a single mom, a college student, a young widow like, etc.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amending my advice. Talk to the dh first. Some medications have the potential to cause confusion. It could be that nothing more is needed than a dosage revision. Then, if talking to the dh doesn't amount to much, call adult/senior protective services.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amending my advice. Talk to the dh first. Some medications have the potential to cause confusion. It could be that nothing more is needed than a dosage revision. Then, if talking to the dh doesn't amount to much, call adult/senior protective services.

This is so true, especially with diabetes/blood pressure medications. Especially without regular meals. Dehydration may be a factor.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't get to read all of the responses, but I wanted to say that you are so wonderful to help her!

 

My dad is 69 and was dx in Dec. with dementia and Alzheimer's.  My mom was incredibly overwhelmed.  She was able to find support and help for herself through the local senior center that has workshops and support groups.  For my dad, getting help and medication has improved his behavior and memory dramatically! 

 

It warms my heart to know that wonderful people like you are out there!  I hope your neighbor can get the help she needs. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do they have any adult children?  If you can get access to contact info, I'd let them know what's happening.  They may have no idea. Dad may be telling them all is fine.   I'd give them the option to discuss this with their dad first.

Edited by Tina
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for all your kind and helpful responses.  I've been doing some internet research and have found two agencies in our county so I will print out that information for her husband.  They are not computer/internet users so even finding the information may be a challenge for him, especially since there is no physician involved.

 

They have no children.  There are siblings scattered around but we have never met them and I've been led to believe that there is not much contact.  The husband's father lives across the street from me and I have tried to contact him within the past week to see what he thought about the situation but we haven't connected yet.  

 

Several of you mentioned sundowning which I had already identified as part of the issue since he's not home at that time of the day.  I have spoken with him several times last week and he was shocked at some of the behavior I was describing so I know he hasn't seen/realized/recognized the extent of what was going on.  I thought that would get him moving to get her to the dr. but the appointment on Friday that didn't end up happening concerns me.    There is a 10-year age difference between them so he's only 52 and I do think this issue was something he didn't anticipate.  It really hit her fast and hard . . it's a tough thing to see and I can't imagine what he is going through.  

 

Someone mentioned driving and she has given up driving since getting lost several times before Christmas though her husband did tell me that last Thursday she jumped into their pickup while he was showering and drove away.  She called him . . . just realized that she must have figured out the cell phone that time . . and they figured out she was at a gas station a mile or so away but she couldn't figure out how to get home.  He went and fetched her.

 

Thank you all for the advice.  I'm going to print out the info from the agencies I found and get it to him and then see what happens over the next few weeks before taking any further steps unless her behavior deteriorates again this week.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for all your kind and helpful responses. I've been doing some internet research and have found two agencies in our county so I will print out that information for her husband. They are not computer/internet users so even finding the information may be a challenge for him, especially since there is no physician involved.

 

They have no children. There are siblings scattered around but we have never met them and I've been led to believe that there is not much contact. The husband's father lives across the street from me and I have tried to contact him within the past week to see what he thought about the situation but we haven't connected yet.

 

Several of you mentioned sundowning which I had already identified as part of the issue since he's not home at that time of the day. I have spoken with him several times last week and he was shocked at some of the behavior I was describing so I know he hasn't seen/realized/recognized the extent of what was going on. I thought that would get him moving to get her to the dr. but the appointment on Friday that didn't end up happening concerns me. There is a 10-year age difference between them so he's only 52 and I do think this issue was something he didn't anticipate. It really hit her fast and hard . . it's a tough thing to see and I can't imagine what he is going through.

 

Someone mentioned driving and she has given up driving since getting lost several times before Christmas though her husband did tell me that last Thursday she jumped into their pickup while he was showering and drove away. She called him . . . just realized that she must have figured out the cell phone that time . . and they figured out she was at a gas station a mile or so away but she couldn't figure out how to get home. He went and fetched her.

 

Thank you all for the advice. I'm going to print out the info from the agencies I found and get it to him and then see what happens over the next few weeks before taking any further steps unless her behavior deteriorates again this week.

Jan, you and/or her dh may find a copy of The 36 Hour Day to be a valuable resource. Bless you for your care of this couple. I'm guessing the poor husband is really just dazed and confused himself.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, the husband is very young. He may be embarrassed but at that age he should be capable of finding help for his wife and acting on it. I would understand if he were a senior himself and dealing with health and age issues of his own, but at 52? I don't know if that would push me to contact adult services sooner rather than later.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Adult protective. It is not punitive, they will help them get resources set up to help. She is not safe.

Agreed, only when there is actually real abuse does social services try to remove a sick or elderly person from the home of a relative. Mostly they'll go over there and say, "We hear through the grapevine that you have your hands full. Here is how we can help: transportation, some housekeeping, a little respite care, etc."

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, the husband may not realize that he's dealing with dementia; he may think he just has a difficult wife. Sometimes these things come out so gradually you just accept that the person is "odd" and needs help with this, that, or the other. This actually happened with my dad, and he wound up dying of dementia related illnesses last summer. We just thought he was getting eccentric and difficult in his old age, because he had retained a lot of his cognitive capabilities and his dementia presented as physical problems. My advice is to talk to the man and suggest that he do things to help his wife cope when he is gone: leave the light on, write out phone numbers (although she may forget how to dial), flip on the TV for her, prepare her meals in advance (even if they are fast food), hire a minder if they can afford it. I would be careful on pressing too much because old people are terribly proud and protective of their independence; if you push too much they will cut you off or lie to you about The extent of what's going on; this is what my mom did to me. If you can talk to them and find out if they have children and call one of the children that would be very helpful, because the children, if they live out of town, may not realize what's going on either; I know I didn't because my mom intentionally left out crucial information or lied to me in order to protect their independence and dignity.

 

I would absolutely not call protective services at this point, because once that happens they will cut off any kind of contact with you and then you will not be in a position to help at all. In most states, no matter how bad things get, the state cannot force the couple to accept help. I know this because things got very bad with my parents and we could not force them to do anything. The lawyer explained to me that they had the agency to reject help in NYS, even if it was to their grave detriment and immediate danger. The only way we could force anything would be to take them to court and get them to declared incompetent to manage their own affairs. I was flabbergasted that there was absolutely nothing we could do despite the fact my parents were in real and immediate danger. What I would do is call your local Office for the Aging (their help was a godsend for us) and ask for resources that you can present to the husband, and then let it go at that, because if they are the type to close off when you push they won't be getting help for years. But the husband just may except help that it's gently offered and not shoved down their throats.

 

In the end, my brother, sister, and I decided we were going to break the law and we would force them out of their house. I work on my mother for a while and managed to convince her that she should rent another place for her and my father. Then my brother and I went to their house with the intent of making my dad move, to the point that we were going to physically carry him out if he didn't cooperate. But surprisingly, dad came along and that's how we get them out of their house. That's why I say get the kids involved; they may not be aware of the extent of the problems and if they're made aware they just may know how to handle the situation with in the family.

 

 

We've been dealing with an issue in our neighborhood for a few months now but last week it intensified so I'm coming to the hive for advice.

 

Our neighbor lady, 62 years old, has developed severe osteoporosis over the past year and also some kind of dementia. There is no official diagnosis because she hasn't been to a dr. for the dementia issues. The problem we are facing is that her husband works second shift and leaves her alone from about 1 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. every evening. Last Monday, she showed up on my doorstep at about 8 obviously distressed, worried that she couldn't find anybody. She came in the house and I reminded her that her dh was at work but at that time I didn't know what time he would return. She stayed at our house, confused and upset until about 10:15 when I took her home. Her house was completely dark and I realized that she didn't remember how to turn on the lights! She is in general very confused, forgetting her husband's name, forgetting that her mother passed about 5 years ago, the list could go on and on.

 

The same thing repeated on Tuesday night. By this time her husband had called me, explained that he had a dr. appointment for Friday morning, apologizing for the state of the house (it was a mess!) and basically more concerned that I had seen the inside of the house than what was going on with his wife. The appointment on Friday never happened . . pretty sure he lied to me about having it in the first place.

 

The rest of the week I didn't let her into the house when she came over, just settled her down, gave her food for her supper and walked her back home. It's a consistent issue that she can't remember how to turn on the lights. Another concern is that they don't keep food in the house. Really . . they live on fast food. I know that in the past they went at least a year without a working refrigerator. He seems to be leaving sandwiches from Arby's and such for her but she either doesn't want them or doesn't remember they are there and so comes over saying she hasn't eaten all day. That doesn't bother me as much as her being left alone when she is scared and can't remember what is going on. It's not that she's showing up on my doorstep one time a night either, on Friday she came over four times between 8 and 10.

 

One of the things that was happening last week was she had to come over to ask her husband's phone number. Not sure she ever called because she really can't remember how to work her cell phone any more.

 

We don't mind helping out, really. In fact, I'm planning on providing her a plate for supper every night but having her sit here every evening for hours isn't going to work either. I still have six kids at home and with their activities we are often only all together for that hour from 8 to bedtime! But when she's crying and upset it's very difficult to turn her away and walk her home.

 

Not sure what to ask except what should I do? Is it neglect to not take the poor lady to a dr. and get an official diagnosis? Is it neglect to leave her alone when she can't even turn on a light or get her own food ready?

Edited by reefgazer
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Agreed, only when there is actually real abuse does social services try to remove a sick or elderly person from the home of a relative. Mostly they'll go over there and say, "We hear through the grapevine that you have your hands full. Here is how we can help: transportation, some housekeeping, a little respite care, etc."

 

I called Adult Protective Services when my mother was abusing my father. At times she refused to change his clothes, feed him, or help him take a bath. There was definitely emotional abuse, and I suspected that she occasionally hit him.

 

They sent a social worker to evaluate them for services, and my father said that everything was perfectly fine. So that was that. I had to try though.

 

When he was hospitalized and ready to go home, I intervened and got him sent to a nursing home because he was immobile by then. Mom was trying to convince them that she could care for him at home, and the hospitalist was leaning that way. Thankfully his primary read a letter faxed to her and called me. The doctor knew that home health had already blacklisted them because of Mom's verbal abuse of the folks who came to the house, so she contacted the hospitalist. Thankfully Dad received excellent care in the nursing home. We had the same drama with Mom when it came time to consider hospice, and once again I faxed the primary. She intervened then as well.

 

It goes to show how the elderly in failing health desperately need someone who cares involved.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This was my Dad until we could convince his lady friend (they lived together for 20 years, blame alimony laws for them not getting married) that it was time for him to be in assisted living. He would forget Ann was at work, forget to eat food she left at home - a neighber was willing to go over once a day to make a meal, but then he took to showing up at her door all hours of the day. If there is no other family nearby, then you and other neighbors have to tell her husband to make arrangements or call adult social services yourself. Poor old dear - she needs to be safe before something bad happens.

Edited by JFSinIL
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Perhaps you could convince the husband to talk with her dictor about the memory problems by suggesting that there are many simple medical issues that can cause dementia-like symptoms, and some (like UTIs) can be easily cured. Regardless of whether this is true in her case, it would open the conversation with her doctor and perhaps get her the diagnosis that she needs.

 

Sometimes when things feel hopeless people shut down and don't reach out for help at all.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bless her . .She's been knocking on our door twice within the past 10 minutes. She asked me to send her husband over when he gets home and explained to me that she lives right 'over there'. I reminded her that her husband lives over there with her. She headed home and didn't want me to help. At least I can see her lights on tonight.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bless her . .She's been knocking on our door twice within the past 10 minutes. She asked me to send her husband over when he gets home and explained to me that she lives right 'over there'. I reminded her that her husband lives over there with her. She headed home and didn't want me to help. At least I can see her lights on tonight.

 

God Bless You for trying to help her!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Well, the situation has continued to get worse.  Last week while she was wandering around in the nice weather in the evenings, we witnessed her almost getting hit by a car several different times as she was crossing the road.  One night she was over at our house 7 times within an hour and a half time period!

 

Her husband still has not taken her to a dr. or made any arrangements to help her through the evenings other than he seems to be leaving lights on for her now when he leaves for work in the afternoon.

 

Last night she came over very agitated and just sobbing on my doorstep that she's all alone.  I walked her back home and tried to calm her but it wasn't working.  Tried calling both her husband and her father-in-law with no response so I dialed 9-1-1.  The squad came and she instantly calmed down.  Her father-in-law across the street mysteriously decided to return my call at that point (because he saw the ambulance pull in) and kindly offered that she could come and stay with him until her husband got home so that was the solution for last night.  We'll see what happens tonight.

 

I'm sure her husband will be furious with me but so be it.  We had very bluntly told him over the last few weeks that he needed to get her to a doctor and get her some help so maybe this will convince him.  

 

I walked out the door with the guys from the squad and they told me I did the right thing so I have a bit of hope that there may be some follow-up to get them some help.

Edited by JanOH
  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, the situation has continued to get worse. Last week while she was wandering around in the nice weather in the evenings, we witnessed her almost getting hit by a car several different times as she was crossing the road. One night she was over at our house 7 times within an hour and a half time period!

 

Her husband still has not taken her to a dr. or made any arrangements to help her through the evenings other than he seems to be leaving lights on for her now when he leaves for work in the afternoon.

 

Last night she came over very agitated and just sobbing on my doorstep that she's all alone. I walked her back home and tried to calm her but it wasn't working. Tried calling both her husband and her father-in-law with no response so I dialed 9-1-1. The squad came and she instantly calmed down. Her father-in-law across the street mysteriously decided to return my call at that point (because he saw the ambulance pull in) and kindly offered that she could come and stay with him until her husband got home so that was the solution for last night. We'll see what happens tonight.

 

I'm sure her husband will be furious with me but so be it. We had very bluntly told him over the last few weeks that he needed to get her to a doctor and get her some help so maybe this will convince him.

How very frustrating for you! I fear that she won't get the help she truly needs until she is hurt, or inadvertently hurts someone else. Thanks for the update.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How very frustrating for you! I fear that she won't get the help she truly needs until she is hurt, or inadvertently hurts someone else. Thanks for the update.

 

That's my greatest fear!  I don't want to be the one that witnesses her getting hit by a car on our very busy road or to find her laying in her yard when she's fallen while she's out wandering around at 10 p.m.    

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't realize before that her FIL lived across the street.  He must be pretty elderly?  But anyway, that makes it a little worse to me, that these two men are leaving this poor lady alone and depending on the kindness of a neighbor.  

 

You did the right thing. 

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remembered this thread and I read several of the most recent posts above this one. Like others, I had no idea her FIL lived across the street. That just makes this situation worse. You are correct in your concern for her.  I hope it will not take a tragedy, for her to receive the help that she needs, which she is not receiving from her DH or FIL.  God Bless You for trying to help her!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I'm sure her husband will be furious with me but so be it.  We had very bluntly told him over the last few weeks that he needed to get her to a doctor and get her some help so maybe this will convince him.  

 

I walked out the door with the guys from the squad and they told me I did the right thing so I have a bit of hope that there may be some follow-up to get them some help.

 

Let him be mad. You stepped in to help in the moment and informed him about what was happening to that poor lady. Her condition has now been made your problem--and I don't mean that as coldly as that sounds--because she's showing up on your doorstep and you're seeing her in potentially dangerous situations. He doesn't have the luxury of not dealing with the situation any more. You're a kind, decent person to get involved. It's obvious you care. Hope the husband steps up before something tragic happens.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He doesn't have the luxury of not dealing with the situation any more. You're a kind, decent person to get involved. It's obvious you care. Hope the husband steps up before something tragic happens.

 

:iagree:

 

Neighbor lady is a vulnerable human being - someone has to ensure she is safe and well-cared for. Wandering the neighborhood at night alone is not ok. You did the right thing - keep doing it!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jan I can't remember from the other thread - have you been documenting all these encounters (date and time)? Both with the woman and her husband (and now fil)?

 

No, I haven't.  When it first started I assumed something would be done to help her.  By the time I realized they weren't, a lot of things had happened.  I think I'll sit down tonight and reconstruct the events as well as I can by memory.  I have the first week and this past week pretty accurate because there were other members of my family involved.  I'd better write them down before I forget.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't realize before that her FIL lived across the street.  He must be pretty elderly?  But anyway, that makes it a little worse to me, that these two men are leaving this poor lady alone and depending on the kindness of a neighbor.  

 

You did the right thing. 

 

I was trying to keep things a bit simpler when I posted that first time.  Yes her father-in-law lives directly across the street from us.  He is in his mid-to late seventies.  My neighbor is about 10-12 years older than her husband so that's why the ages seem strange.  He does have some physical struggles but mentally is very sharp and should be able to help the situation but there is a very strained relationship between father and son.

 

 FIL claims to be very concerned about my neighbor but yet I've seen him repeatedly turn her away from his door in the evenings and last week my children witnessed him walking her back home and then yelling at her when she tried to follow him back across the street.  The location of his house is one of the problems because she has to cross our busy road to get to his house.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...