Can one just not ever make friends?

[Night Elf]

Dd19 has been away at college this year and has made a few acquaintances but no real friends. She's so lonely and depressed. She's in two clubs where she tries to be active. She said most of the time people talk over her and she has to repeat herself several times to be heard and even then she doesn't think people listen. She spends most of her nights and weekends in her dorm room alone. Her roommate is very active and has made lots of friends and always has dates. Dd has tried a dating app on her cell phone but nothing has panned out. She's put herself out there a lot and feels rejected repeatedly. She is in different chat groups for things like her overall dorm, her dorm floor, her math class and her two clubs. She'll ask a question or make a comment and no one ever responds to her. She said she just ends up feeling stupid.

 

In her childhood, she never had more than a couple of friends at a time. She had two close friends in high school but they don't talk as much now that they're all at different colleges.

 

Her birthday was a week ago and she only got a couple of Happy Birthday messages from family on Facebook. Not one of her FB friends acknowledged her birthday.

 

I feel so bad for her. She's not looking forward to coming home because there isn't anyone to hang out with either. She spent the Christmas break with us. She didn't see anyone at all outside our family. Everyone just always seems to be busy.

[kewb]

I am so sorry your dd is having difficulties in the friend department. it is aswful feeling like you are the one always making the effort and getting little in return.  Friendship is like dating.  You kiss a lot of frogs before you find your peeps.  She just has to keep putting herself out there, outside the comfort zone.  Which is hard and I didn't learn how to do it until I was in my 40's.

 

My advice, which I give to my son all the time becasue he never listens, she needs to start making plans with friends at home now. Reach out to those couple of friends and ask when they will be home so they can get a date on the calendar.  Something to look forward to when they all get home.

 

 

[regentrude]

I am so sorry. Is this her first year at college?

It took my DD, who is very outgoing and involved, about a year to make friends, and the time until that point was hard.

I am sorry your DD is struggling. 

Can she be more involved in person? You say she spends most evenings and weekends in her room. Maybe chat groups are not the right way to make friends. (Dating apps are weird. I think the odds of finding somebody that way are very low.)

Edited March 30, 2017 by regentrude

[solascriptura]

Aww...I'm sorry. Truly.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It takes me a very long time to make friends.  So I feel her pain there. 

 

big hugs to her... :grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

I am so sorry your dd is having difficulties in the friend department. it is aswful feeling like you are the one always making the effort and getting little in return.  Friendship is like dating.  You kiss a lot of frogs before you find your peeps.  She just has to keep putting herself out there, outside the comfort zone.  Which is hard and I didn't learn how to do it until I was in my 40's.

 

My advice, which I give to my son all the time becasue he never listens, she needs to start making plans with friends at home now. Reach out to those couple of friends and ask when they will be home so they can get a date on the calendar.  Something to look forward to when they all get home.

 

Not to be pedantic here, but she said her daughter has no friends at home.  So who is she supposed to be making plans with?

[hjffkj]

That is so tough. I have never made friends easily. I will say from my own experiences over the years the group of people who are most welcoming are gamers. Not videogames but people who play role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons. It may just be the community in my area but I've found it incredibly easy to make friends in that group.

 

Just throwing that out there since I really know how hard it is when you have no friends

[Home'scool]

Perhaps she is at the wrong college for her.

 

My youngest is very outgoing and never had any real problems making friends. Her first semester at college was a disaster. The college was a "suitcase school" where most people went home on the weekends so there was no real opportunity to do things on the weekends when most bonding takes place. Also, the type of girls that were there did not mesh with her type at all. It was a relatively large university, about 12,000 people, but even that large a university will get a feel and a vibe to it that permeates the social scene.

 

After one semester she changed schools and is now very, very happy. It seems like a drastic thing to - changing schools - but I could not imagine her enduring 4 years there. And freshman year is a good indicator of how it is going to go. Everyone is new. Everyone is looking to make friends. If there is no connection being made it usually does not get better in future years when everyone has made their friend groups.

[Night Elf]

Yes, this is her first year at school. She has two friends that will likely be home during the summer but both are known to be very busy and she's not a top priority in their lives. She'll reach out to them, of course.

 

She can't just go out without having specific plans. The clubs she's in only meet once a week and she does go to those. One club had a service project last weekend that she did. She's asked over chat if anyone would like to go out for a coffee or snack but no one responds to her. Her dorm neighbors haven't been available much this semester. Last semester they all got together at least once a week but I think that was to make friends and once they did, they stopped meeting as a group. That's my working theory at least as to why no one wants to play cards anymore.

[regentrude]

She can't just go out without having specific plans. The clubs she's in only meet once a week and she does go to those. One club had a service project last weekend that she did. She's asked over chat if anyone would like to go out for a coffee or snack but no one responds to her. Her dorm neighbors haven't been available much this semester. Last semester they all got together at least once a week but I think that was to make friends and once they did, they stopped meeting as a group. That's my working theory at least as to why no one wants to play cards anymore.

 

Or maybe they're too busy with work? That is the common theme in my DD's college - they don't have time to hang out playing cards during the quarter because they study. 

 

What happens when she asks people in person to get together? 

 

Does she study with somebody? People may not have time for much socializing "just because", but they might be more inclined to go to study parties.One of the organizations my DD is involved in organizes weekly study nights for students in their major; this combines socializing with homework and is very popular. Is there a student organization in your DD's major?

 

Just throwing ideas out there; I know how frustrating this must be for her.

 

ETA: Does the dorm have a study lounge? Post on chat "I made brownies and am heading to the lounge to work on math. Anybody want to join me?" Baked goods work magic.

Edited March 30, 2017 by regentrude

[SamanthaCarter]

This was kinda my experience in college, but I shared an apartment with my more outgoing sister so that helped. I had a little bit of a loose tribe of students fro my church, but the clubs I was in were disasters. I was lonely, but I was also a very serious student that spent more time than average on schoolwork. I wish I had some advice. I do agree with the above in that I am most comfortable in social situations when there is a stated goal, a project or whatnot. I wonder if she can get people to have coffee with her if she asks folks in her classes if they can study for a quiz or test together at a coffee shop? She'd need to ask specific people in person with a date, time and place in mind.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mumto2]

Try to encourage your dd to join some smaller clubs. Maybe something volunteer with a wider range of ages. Something that she really enjoys. These seem to be the activities my daughter does best at. Any chance of her volunteering any place when she comes home? Maybe something where she would be working with a group to achieve a goal not a one on one like tutoring. The opportunity to make connections with others might be valuable for her.

 

My daughter is involved with a couple of art related groups that are mainly older people. She is valued by these groups and it really seems to have helped her when approaching people in other groups.

[zoobie]

I know how she feels. :grouphug:

 

I made a few friends via work but the only college "friend" I really keep up with is DH. He has friends from a debate society and another organization that was very tightly-knit that he still keeps in touch with other than generic FB greetings. I did find some great people in law school, of all places. :rofl:

 

Does she have any volunteer interests? Seems like I've found people in specialized interest places, if that makes sense. A job that was writing/reading oriented. Volunteer tutoring.

[Guest]

Can she look for things to do outside of college where there are different groups to make friends with? Maybe she needs more mature friends or just people with interests outside of college life? Does she have any hobbies where she could find a city wide group for anything she's interested in? If all I hung around in college were other college aged kids my head would've exploded. I was always drawn more to people older than I was. They were far more interesting to talk with and had more to offer sometimes in many ways.

[Night Elf]

She hasn't gotten to know anyone in her classes. Last semester she was part of a study group in Calculus 1 but they only got together every other week and none of them got together outside the group that she was aware of. That group didn't carry over into Calculus 2. Last semester people talked in that class talked over chat about class but this semester the teacher has up a website where all discussion takes place so there isn't a need to get together with others.

 

In her dorm, the unofficial rule is if your door is shut you don't want anyone to bother you. Her neighbor's doors seem closed more, even on the weekends. On the occasion they do want to  be social, they just leave their door open and play video games so my dd sits with them and watches. No one ever wants to go anywhere. Sometimes one of them will make a run to the grocery store and ask dd to go but that's the limit of going out.

 

I'll ask her about asking people to study outside of class.

[Night Elf]

She has no hobbies or interests. The clubs she joined are not big, less than 20 people she says. She also doesn't drive. Also, some of her dorm mates have fake ID's and go to bars on the weekend but she's not wanting to do that just to be social.

[regentrude]

. Last semester she was part of a study group in Calculus 1 but they only got together every other week and none of them got together outside the group that she was aware of. That group didn't carry over into Calculus 2. Last semester people talked in that class talked over chat about class but this semester the teacher has up a website where all discussion takes place so there isn't a need to get together with others.

 

I disagree on the bolded. An online chat or discussion website does not replace working problems together on a whiteboard or chalkboard. From a pedagogical point of view, it is a very poor substitute for collaborative problem solving! 

[regentrude]

She has no hobbies or interests.

 

How can a human being have no interests???

Surely she must have something she likes to do in her free time?

[Carrie12345]

How can a human being have no interests???

Surely she must have something she likes to do in her free time?

 

I have a hard time believing she does't have ANY interests.  I mean, if she wants to do things with other people, there needs to be THINGS she wants to do with other people.  I wonder what they are.

[Annie G]

She needs some interests.  If she has none, what will she do or talk about with friends? 

 

I have homeschooling friends, quilting friends, photography buddies, friends who also have Corvettes (so we take day trips together), theater friends, buddies who also like doing dinner and a movie....

[Night Elf]

I disagree on the bolded. An online chat or discussion website does not replace working problems together on a whiteboard or chalkboard. From a pedagogical point of view, it is a very poor substitute for collaborative problem solving! 

 

I agree with you but it's not her experience. The group she was in last semester got together but basically they each worked on their homework and if one had a question, they'd ask for help. It wasn't like they all worked on one problem together as a whole. People came and went during the two hour time. She said it wasn't usual for someone to stay the whole time.

[Night Elf]

Dd watches you tube videos and colors. She doesn't read. She doesn't watch movies. She likes some sit-coms. She doesn't play any type of sport. She likes cards but no other board games. She likes to watch people playing video games but isn't good at them herself. The clubs she's in are not mainstream. I'd rather not say what they are. She doesn't sew or collect anything. She worked in her senior year in high school and over the summer so that was what mainly got her out of the house. She likes to hang out with friends and listen to music and just talk. None of the people she hung out with in high school did much outside of school either. The only place they'd go is Starbucks.

 

One of her dorm neighbor's friends invited her to go to a campfire sing-song club but she had no interest in that. One neighbor is involved in politics but it's not my dd's side. Her roommate is in a sorority but dd isn't interested in joining one.

 

I'm not sure next year is going to be any better. She already has a roommate but they're in an apartment so they have separate bedrooms. She doesn't know if that apartment dorm has an open door policy like her current dorm.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[Arctic Bunny]

She doesn't have to be good at a sport to do a drop in night. Drop in volleyball, basketball, a circuit class at the gym?

One thing about meeting new people is, if you are invited, go, even if it doesn't interest you. Because people will stop asking if you always say no. (I'm thinking of the campfire thing in particular)

[AK_Mom4]

Sure.  She can not make friends.   

 

Freshman year - I lived in the dorm.  Everyone there was from Texas - I wasn't.  I had nothing in common with my roommates or others on my hall.  Or my classes.  Or anywhere else it seemed.  I had some acquaintances, but no friends.  Then my roommates moved out of our triple into the "nice" dorm and I had a triple room to myself.  Very lonely.   They moved a nice girl in with me about 3 months before the end of the year, but she was transferring schools after freshman year, so we didn't really get close.

 

Sophmore year - I got an on-campus job in my major field (computers).  That introduced me to people who were taking the same core classes as I was and we started getting together to do homework.  And then to hang out weekends sometimes.  And we became friends.

 

For me - once I moved up and the classes got smaller, I made more friends because there were a few of us all taking the same classes together.  But working on campus made the biggest difference in meeting people I had something in common with....

[zoobie]

Dd watches you tube videos and colors. She doesn't read. She doesn't watch movies. She likes some sit-coms. She doesn't play any type of sport. She likes cards but no other board games. She likes to watch people playing video games but isn't good at them herself. The clubs she's in are not mainstream. I'd rather not say what they are. She doesn't sew or collect anything. She worked in her senior year in high school and over the summer so that was what mainly got her out of the house. She likes to hang out with friends and listen to music and just talk. None of the people she hung out with in high school did much outside of school either. The only place they'd go is Starbucks.

 

One of her dorm neighbor's friends invited her to go to a campfire sing-song club but she had no interest in that. One neighbor is involved in politics but it's not my dd's side. Her roommate is in a sorority but dd isn't interested in joining one.

 

I'm not sure next year is going to be any better. She already has a roommate but they're in an apartment so they have separate bedrooms. She doesn't know if that apartment dorm has an open door policy like her current dorm.

What is her career goal? She could start looking at volunteering and working toward goals related to that to give her something to do. I overloaded my class schedule and worked 40 hours a week, so I basically only was in my room to sleep. Being busy is a great way to avoid depression. Or it was for me.

[Spryte]

I'm sorry she's having a hard time. 

 

Is she depressed?  Some of your comments made me wonder - like when she says she thinks no one hears her, things like that.  I might encourage her to see the therapist on campus, at the health center, so she can walk to appointments.  That person would have experience with girls her age, adjusting, and maybe have some good suggestions.  

 

She likes to go to Starbucks.  Can she go to Starbucks and study?  I spent a crazy amount of time studying in Starbucks (to the point that for years and years, just walking in one and sniffing gave me the feeling I needed to study, desperately).  Or another coffee shop?  Just hang there and study?  She may or may not meet more people.  I would guess that after a few weeks of doing that - she would definitely meet more people.  There's a slew of regulars who go alone and study, usually, and they do get to know each other.

 

She's not going to meet anyone if she's only doing online things, or staying home, so even if she doesn't have plans and it's hard... It might help to get out.

 

There are plenty of people who don't have "hobbies" - I don't think that needs to stop her.  She's human.  She has interests, and interesting observations, and things to talk about. I bet she's a lot of fun, and maybe just shy.  

 

I would encourage her to get her license and a car, too, so she'll have more freedom.  

 

Not trying to sound flip about any of this, or make it sound like it's easy.  I know it's not.  Wishing her well!

 

 

 

[Word Nerd]

I feel bad for her and hope she makes some good friends soon.

[Word Nerd]

I would encourage her to accept invitations to things like the campfire. She may enjoy it more than she thought and make new friends. If she turns down invitations regularly, eventually people will stop asking.

[alisoncooks]

DH works with a religious organization on a univ. campus.  Does she have any interest in a group of that sort?  

The group DH is with has a large group meeting midweek, small groups during the week available.  They all go out to eat after meetings, they sometimes enter sports events together (IMLeague on campus), do volunteer activities, have a Relay for Life team, do weekend retreats 2x a year with other campuses.  Sometimes they have random movie and potluck nights at someone's apartment.  And this is a small campus organization, not one of the major ones.  So maybe something like that? 

[wintermom]

She hasn't gotten to know anyone in her classes. Last semester she was part of a study group in Calculus 1 but they only got together every other week and none of them got together outside the group that she was aware of. That group didn't carry over into Calculus 2. Last semester people talked in that class talked over chat about class but this semester the teacher has up a website where all discussion takes place so there isn't a need to get together with others.

 

In her dorm, the unofficial rule is if your door is shut you don't want anyone to bother you. Her neighbor's doors seem closed more, even on the weekends. On the occasion they do want to  be social, they just leave their door open and play video games so my dd sits with them and watches. No one ever wants to go anywhere. Sometimes one of them will make a run to the grocery store and ask dd to go but that's the limit of going out.

 

I'll ask her about asking people to study outside of class.

 

I'd start with those little opportunities to go to the grocery store and build on that. 

 

She sounds like a bit of a quirky person, and is probably very nice but a little hard to find just the right thing to suit the typical interests of others.  It may take a little longer to find her "tribe" but hopefully she will soon.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is she on the spectrum?  I'm asking partly because I wonder if there is a social skills component.  And also because ds (who is Aspie) has found some good friends through the Autism Spectrum group at his college.  He has explained to me that often people on the spectrum can read each other very well but have a hard time socially reading NT people.  This group has given him a bridge to others in the college. 

[Night Elf]

Good news! She just told me that someone responded to her question about going to the amusement park tomorrow night for college night. The original group she was going to go with decided not to go and she was so disappointed she put herself out there and asked on her club chats if anyone was going. A guy she knows said there was room in their car for her and invited her to join them. She's so excited! So now her weekend won't be a total bust. And I'm hoping this will open up some new friend opportunities. They'll be riding rides and laughing and having a good time I'm sure.

 

Oh, she's a statistics major and is taking her first class in that subject this semester. She hasn't even been to the department office. Students are advised in a general advising office for the first couple of years.

[Night Elf]

Is she on the spectrum?  I'm asking partly because I wonder if there is a social skills component.  And also because ds (who is Aspie) has found some good friends through the Autism Spectrum group at his college.  He has explained to me that often people on the spectrum can read each other very well but have a hard time socially reading NT people.  This group has given him a bridge to others in the college. 

 

If she is, it's minor. My ds has Aspergers so we're familiar with it. She hasn't exhibited AS traits.

 

However, she does suffer from anxiety and depression. She's on medication for both. She saw her counselor this morning, in fact, and she suggested she see her psych doctor for a medication change. I'm very supportive and am on medication myself so I don't want to discount that, but I think her main problem is that she has no friends. She has no social outlet. It's very hard to spend all your time alone. That could depress anyone!

[kewb]

Not to be pedantic here, but she said her daughter has no friends at home. So who is she supposed to be making plans with?

The two friends from high school that the op mentioned. Just because they are not as close now that they have all left for college does not mean they can't get back together again.

 

OP, I am glad your dd put herself out there and is going to the amusement park and opening the door for new friend opportunities.

[teachermom2834]

I would say she might need to go along to things she isn't interested in. If she gets an invite she probably needs to take it even if it isn't her cup of tea. Some of the most interesting, most adept people I know socially are those people that have a little bit of knowledge about alot of things. It can be good to expose yourself to things just to make yourself a more interesting person, easier to talk to.

 

I had a difficult time making friends in high school and college. I always connected with co-workers. Even in just fast food jobs or other minimum wage jobs I always had friends to laugh and joke with. Those relationships would extend outside the workplace too. Now, they didn't necessarily become life long friends but they were enjoyable friendships at the time. In my experience a part time job can be a great common bond even if there is nothing else in common.

[katilac]

Dd watches you tube videos and colors.  

 

It might be fun to do a drop-in coloring event, it's very trendy right now. She can do it on her own if she has enough pens/colors to share, just print some free pages, then put it in group chat and bulletin board. Or she could ask an RA to do it more formally,  which might result in more people. And maybe snacks  :laugh:

 

I would encourage her to accept invitations to things like the campfire. She may enjoy it more than she thought and make new friends. If she turns down invitations regularly, eventually people will stop asking.

 

:iagree:

 

She needs to accept almost all invitations, imo. I get that she doesn't want to go clubbing, but she should try anything else that isn't religious or political in nature (if that's not her thing). 

 

I'm sure this has been mentioned, but service clubs are excellent for socializing. She doesn't necessarily need to join the club, just sign up for service days. Everyone's occupied, cleaning up a garden or sorting books, so it's not awkward but you are still able to talk and socialize. Sometimes food is provided or everyone walks over to the caf when done. 

 

Just read your update - excellent!

[J-rap]

I'm sorry this is difficult for her.  My youngest dd doesn't have many friends in college at all, either.  Though she seems content with that, for some reason!  She does have a sister in town who she gets together with often.  One thing I've learned about her, and that we have all just kind of accepted, is that she seems to do better when she isn't actively seeking friends.  She is an introvert, especially with peers in a social setting.  She will do almost anything to avoid that.  But she'll go out of her way to volunteer at the big hospital across the street -- chatting with the nurses and patients, apply for part-time jobs that require her to speak with customers, interview for interesting internships, etc. etc. and is fine with all of that and actually enjoys it.  I have a feeling that's where she'll more naturally find friends, in situations like that.  Maybe necessarily even now, but eventually.

 

What I'm saying is that maybe your daughter should forget about the friend part for now, and just find things to do to keep busy.  I don't mean a club or hobby, but a job, or volunteer work somewhere, or a community non-profit project.  That will maybe help boost her confidence, it will help with the loneliness, it will help her feel more comfortable around people.  She will hopefully learn to be more content with herself, and who knows, it might be in those more natural settings that friends will emerge.

[Catwoman]

Good news! She just told me that someone responded to her question about going to the amusement park tomorrow night for college night. The original group she was going to go with decided not to go and she was so disappointed she put herself out there and asked on her club chats if anyone was going. A guy she knows said there was room in their car for her and invited her to join them. She's so excited! So now her weekend won't be a total bust. And I'm hoping this will open up some new friend opportunities. They'll be riding rides and laughing and having a good time I'm sure.

 

Oh, she's a statistics major and is taking her first class in that subject this semester. She hasn't even been to the department office. Students are advised in a general advising office for the first couple of years.

I wanted to say that I give your dd so much credit for having the courage to keep trying and to keep putting herself out there to try to make friends. It's so hard to face the possibility of rejection, but she has been strong enough to keep trying.

 

I'm so glad she's going to the amusement park -- I hope she has a great time! :hurray:

[Catwoman]

It might be fun to do a drop-in coloring event, it's very trendy right now. She can do it on her own if she has enough pens/colors to share, just print some free pages, then put it in group chat and bulletin board. Or she could ask an RA to do it more formally, which might result in more people. And maybe snacks :laugh:

 

 

:iagree:

 

She needs to accept almost all invitations, imo. I get that she doesn't want to go clubbing, but she should try anything else that isn't religious or political in nature (if that's not her thing).

 

I'm sure this has been mentioned, but service clubs are excellent for socializing. She doesn't necessarily need to join the club, just sign up for service days. Everyone's occupied, cleaning up a garden or sorting books, so it's not awkward but you are still able to talk and socialize. Sometimes food is provided or everyone walks over to the caf when done.

 

Just read your update - excellent!

:iagree:

 

I think the drop-in coloring event is an excellent idea! I'm sure there are a lot of kids who are sitting in their dorms wishing they had something to do, but who might not be outgoing social butterflies, and something like coloring might really appeal to them. It would be especially good if it could be a weekly thing.

[Liz CA]

She has no hobbies or interests. The clubs she joined are not big, less than 20 people she says. She also doesn't drive. Also, some of her dorm mates have fake ID's and go to bars on the weekend but she's not wanting to do that just to be social.

 

Perhaps she could look at this from the other side. What does she enjoy doing, what could become a hobby? People who get passionate or at least interested in something usually attract others interested in similar pursuits.

 

Is she typically shy? Maybe you could encourage her in something to bolster her confidence (like a hobby). And I would emphasize if one thing does not work out, you try something else. Not everything I ever thought was interesting turned into something for me but I found a few things that lasted.

 

I agree that she may need to look outside of college, especially if she seems more mature than average for her age. Volunteering somewhere may be a good start but it may be hard to find the time - especially when she is not being paid for it. However, sometimes, volunteering turns into a small paid part-time position.

 

Edited March 30, 2017 by Liz CA

[Night Elf]

When I said she declined an invite to the campfire thing, I meant that was one of two invitations she had. The other one was for a political organization that's not her party. She's done as much as other people have offered such as playing cards, playing pool at the student center, and playing video games. The first two were done last semester. She's tried to get together a card game this semester but no one ever wants to play. And yes, she does ask them in person as well as on the chat for her dorm. And now that it's the last month in the semester, everyone is going to be busy wrapping up classes.

 

It's a big campus, about 30,000 students or so. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

 

I did ask her about her clubs. She said one did seem to have a lot of members but less than 10 show up to the special meetings, sometimes less than 5. She can't get to the presentation meetings because she's in a therapy group and the times overlap.

 

At least she went out and joined something. She did that at the start of this semester. She wasn't in anything her first semester, except her therapy groups. She'd like to stay in her two clubs next year and add in some other stuff too. So she's an introvert but she is putting herself out there and that's hard to do. I just feel bad that she doesn't seem to be connecting with anyone on a friend level.

[wintermom]

Well she certainly is doing a wonderful job getting out there and putting in the effort.  Is she the type of person who wears a smile a lot? Maybe she could intentionally smile at people are really try to look the part of a happy, welcoming person. It may be just the little extra thing that helps. Who knows?

[Guest]

I would suggest getting an on campus job that has a lot of student customers. My son has met friends that way, as people chat while waiting.Or get involved in the student union group...they tend to be social people and are always busy with running events that get people out of their rooms. A third idea is the gym. Join a league, make it a habit to work out at a certain time, or take a class. also, with the drinkers, go for a little while,talk to the dds,then exit. That is a social skill that could help.later in life.

[Anne in CA]

A job sounds best for her to make friends. Also, exercise classes are a great way to make friends. Classes like boxing or spin are usually friendly. 

[solascriptura]

She hasn't gotten to know anyone in her classes. Last semester she was part of a study group in Calculus 1 but they only got together every other week and none of them got together outside the group that she was aware of. That group didn't carry over into Calculus 2. Last semester people talked in that class talked over chat about class but this semester the teacher has up a website where all discussion takes place so there isn't a need to get together with others.

 

In her dorm, the unofficial rule is if your door is shut you don't want anyone to bother you. Her neighbor's doors seem closed more, even on the weekends. On the occasion they do want to  be social, they just leave their door open and play video games so my dd sits with them and watches. No one ever wants to go anywhere. Sometimes one of them will make a run to the grocery store and ask dd to go but that's the limit of going out.

 

I'll ask her about asking people to study outside of class.

 

From my observation, teens and twenty somethings really don't get together much.  They interact so much through the internet and text that face to face contact happens less.  So, I don't think that it's just your daughter.  

[Catwoman]

When I said she declined an invite to the campfire thing, I meant that was one of two invitations she had. The other one was for a political organization that's not her party. She's done as much as other people have offered such as playing cards, playing pool at the student center, and playing video games. The first two were done last semester. She's tried to get together a card game this semester but no one ever wants to play. And yes, she does ask them in person as well as on the chat for her dorm. And now that it's the last month in the semester, everyone is going to be busy wrapping up classes.

 

It's a big campus, about 30,000 students or so. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

 

I did ask her about her clubs. She said one did seem to have a lot of members but less than 10 show up to the special meetings, sometimes less than 5. She can't get to the presentation meetings because she's in a therapy group and the times overlap.

 

At least she went out and joined something. She did that at the start of this semester. She wasn't in anything her first semester, except her therapy groups. She'd like to stay in her two clubs next year and add in some other stuff too. So she's an introvert but she is putting herself out there and that's hard to do. I just feel bad that she doesn't seem to be connecting with anyone on a friend level.

Did you see katilac's idea (post #39) for a coloring event? I keep thinking about it and it seems like it could be so perfect for your dd. She might meet the other kids who are a little quieter and less outgoing because they might feel more comfortable going to an activity where they can sit quietly and color without the pressure of standing around and talking to people they don't know. If your dd is the hostess, she will have an excuse to introduce herself and chat a bit with everyone who shows up, and it would be easy to start a little conversation about art supplies or favorite coloring subjects or whatever.

[Spryte]

From my observation, teens and twenty somethings really don't get together much.  They interact so much through the internet and text that face to face contact happens less.  So, I don't think that it's just your daughter.  

 

I'm going to agree with this, though reluctantly because I wish it wasn't the case.

 

My adult son, who graduated from university a few years ago, doesn't seem to get together with people as often as DH or I did, at that age.  I do think it's the internet and text filling that need for him, on some levels.

[Guest]

Dd watches you tube videos and colors. She doesn't read. She doesn't watch movies. She likes some sit-coms. She doesn't play any type of sport. She likes cards but no other board games. She likes to watch people playing video games but isn't good at them herself. The clubs she's in are not mainstream. I'd rather not say what they are. She doesn't sew or collect anything. She worked in her senior year in high school and over the summer so that was what mainly got her out of the house. She likes to hang out with friends and listen to music and just talk. None of the people she hung out with in high school did much outside of school either. The only place they'd go is Starbucks.

 

One of her dorm neighbor's friends invited her to go to a campfire sing-song club but she had no interest in that. One neighbor is involved in politics but it's not my dd's side. Her roommate is in a sorority but dd isn't interested in joining one.

 

I'm not sure next year is going to be any better. She already has a roommate but they're in an apartment so they have separate bedrooms. She doesn't know if that apartment dorm has an open door policy like her current dorm.

I read the update about the amusement park - that is terrific! I want to speak to this, though. A couple of things: she was invited to the campfire sing, I would encourage her to go to things like that even if it is not initially interesting to her. I have a dear group of friends I've had for 15 years because one of them invited me yo play a dice game once a month. Do I care about a dice game? No! Does anyone care about a dice game? Nobody in this group; in face, we rarely actually play the game. It is a way of forming friendships and sharing your life with others. Of course, she shouldn't participate in activites that are illegal and don't fit with her values, but she would do better if she's more open about invitations, even if it's not some particular thing she loves.

 

Also, if she likes to get together and talk, she must talk *about something*. Nobody wants to have a cup of coffee with someone who hasn't read any books, hasn't watched a movie, doesn't follow sports, doesn't care about politics, doesn't love animals...whatever. Otherwise, what can you even talk about? Surely there is something that she gets excited about that others would be interested in, too...for me, it has been when someone is wearing a Harry Potter shirt (I love HP), or they notice and correctly identify a bird out the window, or they mention gardening or they ask if I've watched The Hunger Games or they want to know how I feel about Donald Trump. Whatever. A person needs to be looking for openings with others so a friendship can develop. So, when she goes on the amusement park thing, she should be looking for those things as a point to have in common with someone else. (Technically, you could even explore something that others like that you don't, but that is a higher level of social relating, so easier to start with common ground.) Ideally, she uses this opportunity as a springboard for more interaction in the future. But I would encourage her to show herself as "game" to do things and to be interesting and to talk about things with some people to try to find something to share. I would advise her to take other people up on invitations, even if it doesn't sound fun (as long as legal, etc.) because other people's confidence can be equally fragile and if they feel like they put themselves out there but DD turns them down, they will stop asking.

[bettyandbob]

When things get like this, I sometimes you have to break the routine by trying new things, even things you think you may not be interested in.

 

I suggest first schedule regular trips to the gym. Try different group classes. Over time exercise helps with anxiety and depression. Making it an appointment to keep reduces the isolation in the schedule.

 

I'd also look at service clubs. They usually have a social component. Circle K is a college sponsored Kiwanis group. Alpha Phi Omega is a service fraternity ( it's co Ed). I'd go to meetings, pick a project that requires a few participants and get to know the people on the project. Then pick another project. Then go to the impromptu coffee gathering after finishing work on the project.

 

It takes time and she may need to be methodical about it.