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Mom/Grandma issue, no one to talk to, looking for feedback


anonforthis
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DH thinks I need to set more boundaries, that she's not normal. He has a normal, healthy family, so it's very hard for him to sympathize, much like it's hard for several of you to sympathize. 

 

Well, I have an evil grandmother.  I don't know what her diagnosis would have been, but I think evil is the best term.  So, I naturally your kids perspective comes easily to me.   My mother wanted the love and approval of her mother.  So, sometimes she didn't establish boundaries regarding me with her mother when she should have.   I would have been better off to have had no relationship with her.  

 

I think that the people with normal families are the ones more saying that give and take is needed, your oldest should have put down the kindle, etc.   Because with normal people that is what happens.  

 

But, those of us who have up close and personal experience with not-normal relationships, we are the ones urging you to put up boundaries.  Because you can't have give and take with someone that only takes.  I think your husband's desire for more boundaries with your mother is that he loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt.  

 

My personal view is that for any decision, her desire shouldn't be a concern of yours.  

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It's actually not ok. And I don't know how else to explain it except that it's not. 

 

 

I get it.  It just causes more issues, at least if she is anything like my mother.  And it causes huge issues for my father, who has to listen to her never ending rant about it.

 

It is all about her.  All the time.  

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I agree with your dh.  Have the two of you talked about how exactly to put up those boundaries?  How would your dh go about it, just out of curiosity?

 

His biggest suggestions are to duck calls, decline invitations/requests to visit. To use him as a barrier.

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I like his suggestions, and wonder why you haven't followed them thus far. Your dh sounds very supportive.

Extricating yourself from years of relating to an NPD mother (especially as a daughter) is not as easy as following some simple suggestions that seem obvious to everyone else. This dynamic fosters all kinds of patterns in which you are made to believe that you should feel guilty and worthless for not pleasing the NPD parent. It is just very, very hard to change the ingrained behaviors and ways of thinking. Not impossible, but to those who think this should be simple/easy... believe me, it isn't.

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Extricating yourself from years of relating to an NPD mother (especially as a daughter) is not as easy as following some simple suggestions that seem obvious to everyone else. This dynamic fosters all kinds of patterns in which you are made to believe that you should feel guilty and worthless for not pleasing the NPD parent. It is just very, very hard to change the ingrained behaviors and ways of thinking. Not impossible, but to those who think this should be simple/easy... believe me, it isn't.

I don't think anyone believes it will be easy, but if the OP wants the relationship with her mother to change, she will need to set appropriate boundaries and be consistent in enforcing those boundaries in order to make that change happen.

 

Her mother isn't going to change on her own, so the OP needs to decide what kind of treatment from her mother she is and is not willing to accept, and then she needs to act accordingly.

Edited by Catwoman
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I don't think anyone believes it will be easy, but if the OP wants the relationship with her mother to change, she will need to set appropriate boundaries and be consistent in enforcing those boundaries in order to make that change happen.

 

Her mother isn't going to change on her own, so the OP needs to decide what kind of treatment from her mother she is and is not willing to accept, and then she needs to act accordingly.

 

You "wondered why she hadn't followed dh's suggestions thus far." This indicated to me that you might not understand the dynamic, and so (as someone with firsthand experience), I was trying to explain. This is DIFFERENT from a nosy neighbor, an over-involved MIL, etc. If you haven't lived it, it's probably really hard to understand. But you have to understand that a question like that (with its echoes of shaming that the OP probably already lives with in her head every day) is not helpful. 

 

I'm probably personalizing this way too much. Maybe the OP is helped by those kinds of blunt questions. I am just saying, as one person battered by a NPD mom and finally drawing boundaries I "should have" drawn years ago, it is easy to feel condemned or judged by people who seem to see things so clearly or be strong enough to stand up for themselves. But this is a DIFFERENT BALL OF WAX. You just have to trust me, if you haven't lived it.

Edited by Janie Grace
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You "wondered why she hadn't followed dh's suggestions thus far." This indicated to me that you might not understand the dynamic, and so (as someone with firsthand experience), I was trying to explain. This is DIFFERENT from a nosy neighbor, an over-involved MIL, etc. If you haven't lived it, it's probably really hard to understand. But you have to understand that a question like that (with its echoes of shaming that the OP probably already lives with in her head every day) is not helpful.

 

I'm probably personalizing this way too much. Maybe the OP is helped by those kinds of blunt questions. I am just saying, as one person battered by a NPD mom and finally drawing boundaries I "should have" drawn years ago, it is easy to feel condemned or judged by people who seem to see things so clearly or be strong enough to stand up for themselves. But this is a DIFFERENT BALL OF WAX. You just have to trust me, if you haven't lived it.

The problem is, she took the time to create a new username and start this thread to discuss her problems with her mother. Clearly, she hasn't been able to stand up to her mom and it seemed as though she would like to be able to do that.

 

If she didn't want suggestions or to be questioned, she should have made it a JAWM thread.

 

If she wants her relationship with her mother to change, she is the one who will have to change it. That's not shaming; that's the reality. If she's not strong enough to do that, many of us have suggested that she get some counseling. But if she only wants to vent and complain and say it's too hard to set the necessary boundaries between herself and her mother, she really needs to add JAWM to her thread title so people can give her hugs and sympathy without suggesting that she take some action to change that relationship.

Edited by Catwoman
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The problem is, she took the time to create a new username and start this thread to discuss her problems with her mother. Clearly, she hasn't been able to stand up to her mom and it seemed as though she would like to be able to do that.

 

.

Wait. Is this another poster posing as a newbie? Have the forum rules about not posting under more than one name changed? I didn't see anything about her being a former poster. Did I miss something? Or misunderstand something?

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The problem is, she took the time to create a new username and start this thread to discuss her problems with her mother. Clearly, she hasn't been able to stand up to her mom and it seemed as though she would like to be able to do that.

 

If she didn't want suggestions or to be questioned, she should have made it a JAWM thread.

 

If she wants her relationship with her mother to change, she is the one who will have to change it. That's not shaming; that's the reality. If she's not strong enough to do that, many of us have suggested that she get some counseling. But if she only wants to vent and complain and say it's too hard to set the necessary boundaries between herself and her mother, she really needs to add JAWM to her thread title so people can give her hugs and sympathy without suggesting that she take some action to change that relationship.

 

Yes, I understand what you are saying, and she did title the thread "looking for feedback." My sense was that she was looking for feedback on whether she handled the dress thing wisely and whether she was teaching her kids to kowtow or not (not necessarily big-picture feedback). I do think the OP has recognized her need for a counselor in order to move forward with healing and boundaries. So I don't think she is stuck saying "I can't do it" and refusing to take action. The post where she said "it's not okay" was just an honest expression of not being at the place yet where she is okay with her mom's disapproval. I believe she will get there, but I understand that it's a process. 

 

I agree with you that her husband sounds supportive and that his suggestions are good. I was just reacting to what felt like a glib "why the heck aren't you doing what he says?" because I know how hard it can be to get from recognizing good advice to implementing it.

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Wait. Is this another poster posing as a newbie? Have the forum rules about not posting under more than one name changed? I didn't see anything about her being a former poster. Did I miss something? Or misunderstand something?

I don't know for sure, but her username is "anonforthis" so I assumed she was "anonymous for this thread." I could be mistaken, though.

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Wait. Is this another poster posing as a newbie? Have the forum rules about not posting under more than one name changed? I didn't see anything about her being a former poster. Did I miss something? Or misunderstand something?

 

Her name is "anonforthis" so I think people gathered that she's not a newbie but just chose to create a new identity for this question. Another poster did this recently as well (the one about being pregnant and not happy about it). It does seem like the rules have gotten more lax on this... 

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Yes, I understand what you are saying, and she did title the thread "looking for feedback." My sense was that she was looking for feedback on whether she handled the dress thing wisely and whether she was teaching her kids to kowtow or not (not necessarily big-picture feedback). I do think the OP has recognized her need for a counselor in order to move forward with healing and boundaries. So I don't think she is stuck saying "I can't do it" and refusing to take action. The post where she said "it's not okay" was just an honest expression of not being at the place yet where she is okay with her mom's disapproval. I believe she will get there, but I understand that it's a process.

 

I agree with you that her husband sounds supportive and that his suggestions are good. I was just reacting to what felt like a glib "why the heck aren't you doing what he says?" because I know how hard it can be to get from recognizing good advice to implementing it.

Oh, okay -- I see what you're saying. I didn't mean it in a glib way and I'm sorry if it sounded like that. I just meant that she originally posted that she had no one to talk to about this, but as it turns out, her dh seems more than willing to help her in her dealings with her mother, to the point where he has told her she can use him as a barrier between her and her mom. He sounds very supportive to me, so that's why I posted as I did. I genuinely believe she should accept his help, because I think she will feel stronger if she knows she has her dh to back her up.

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Her name is "anonforthis" so I think people gathered that she's not a newbie but just chose to create a new identity for this question. Another poster did this recently as well (the one about being pregnant and not happy about it). It does seem like the rules have gotten more lax on this...

I hope the rules don't bend to allow too much of this sort of thing, assuming this is a regular poster with a temporary second identity.

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I have a difficult relationship with  my mother in a way that is hard to explain. A psychologist once told me that she is NPD, but I don't think that's actually the case. I think it's more likely that she has an ASD and perhaps some OCD. I'm an only child and many adults/friends commented privately to me how I was frequently the mature adult in my relationship with her. She definitely had me and my father trained. She had certain inflexible expectations and there were severe consequences for not living up to them. It wasn't until full adulthood that I started to really push back against some of those.

 

One triggering thing is related to her sewing. She loves to sew and makes beautiful outfits. I have 3 daughters, so she makes them outfits. When I was little, I was trained that when I was wearing one of her dresses and someone complimented me, the appropriate response was "Thank you, my mother made it." So, she is making dresses for my DDs for Easter. She needed to measure 2 of them. She came over after school (I wasn't there) and the youngest was asleep and the oldest was playing kindle (oldest has inattentive ADD and finds it very difficult to switch tasks). She tried to wake up youngest and get oldest to comply.  Neither did. I was an extremely compliant child - mine aren't so compliant. So I was driving home and got a text that said "DD3 is asleep and DD8 will not put down the kindle, so i guess i will wait until another day." I was on my way home, called her, but she had already left. I told her to just tell oldest to put down kindle.  She said she tried, threatening to not make her a dress if she didn't comply, and when she didn't comply, she left.

 

When I got home, youngest was crying because Grandma had left.  (Typical 3 year old, IMO - she doesn't want something until that something is unavailable - in this case Grandma).  I tried to not react the way I knew Grandma wanted me to react - screaming at oldest, etc.  I told oldest, calmly, that it's rude to ignore people in favor of a game. I told her that Grandma wasn't making her a dress the way things stood at this moment, and what did she think she should do.  She said she should call and apologize.  She did, and told Grandma that she wants her to make her a dress.  I did nothing about DD3 except get her to calm down. I know that if I had been there, I could have coaxed cooperation out of both of them, but it would have taken some time (something Grandma doesn't like to take). I also don't know if I'm handling this stuff well. I don't want my DDs to have the emotional distress over dresses made by Grandma. But it causes me distress.  This is one example, and it seems there is always stress/tension when she comes to measure.  Another example is that after the dresses are done, she needs them back to show people. This results in lots of trying to coordinate schedules, which is hard with 3 kids active in various things plus 2 working parents. 

 

I guess my question is, did I handle this well? How would you have handled it differently? And yes, I've read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.  :-)

 

I think the hard thing is that at face value the reported interaction isn't really so off. For discussion sake, my MIL lives in our neighborhood and she is a knitting grandma so she has completely popped in a few times to have the kids try on sweaters in process to be sure they were going to fit or to let them select the yarn they wanted. I don't see her trying to wake up one of our sleeping kids because I know she is a big fan of not waking a sleeping baby but if she wanted our eight year old to try on a sweater and she was too busy with whatever else I can see her saying ok well maybe we'll try that later. I can also see her saying that she won't be able to go any further on the sweater until she tries it on (and perhaps going ahead with another project for a time before giving another chance). I think DH/I would both view that as natural consequences of our daughter's disinterest/rudeness. To an extent, this is what your mom did and, to be fair, she probably really can't start the dress, or make it at all, if she doesn't have the measurements.

 

I really think there is so much more to this than the dresses so I would try to separate out the dress concept from all the rest unless you feel like you are at a point with your mom where you just need to go to complete no contact. If that is the case, then draw your boundary, hold fast, and don't let Easter dresses tempt you off course.

Edited by LMV
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I hate to be negative, but in your example, it doesn't sound like the grandma did anything wrong at all. Who was the adult at home at the time? Why didn't whoever was babysitting step in? Regardless of ADD, the 8 yr old actually was rude. I would have taken the kindle away and grounded my 7 yr old from it for that, and he has ASD.

 

If you felt you didn't have good boundaries with your mother, maybe you are not finding a good place to have boundaries with the children. Because it sounds like you are struggling on both ends.

Edited by Janeway
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I have stood up to her many times. I have done things that have made her very unhappy. My strength in those circumstances have come from protecting other people who were unable to protect themselves. Calling me weak is very painful. I don't think a weak person could have survived my childhood and ended up in functional adulthood. As one wise older friend put it, I am the liver of my family. I absorb all of the toxicity so that it doesn't cause cancer. I can see that this one snippet makes no sense to someone from the outside, but that comment actually made me cry, which is quite impressive as I really don't ever cry.

 

Telling her how I feel isn't a good choice. It's not possible to have a normal relationship where you can be emotionally vulnerable. I really don't know how to explain it, so obviously this wasn't the best idea.

 

It did crystalize that I'm not doing a good job of working through this on my own, that it can and will affect my kids, so I do need to look for additional help.

I'm so sorry. I understood your post very well from my own experience. I do think you have many things to work through, but it won't be overnight. At least you can see that there's something not right here.

 

My mother is also a fantastic seamstress and she also seeks and receives a lot of accolades from the things she makes, although she has become a lot less ridiculous about things over the years. she hasn't been manipulative about her sweing (to me, at least) in a long long time, but when my kids were small she did things that really annoyed me. She made things for my boys and then was irritated with them when they didn't sit quietly in wide-eyed wonder as she presented each thing, one by one, and explained it's intricate details. *rolleyes* My boys had the attention span of a hamster. But she didn't act like a jetk about it at least.

 

I don't think you are weak, though there are things you can work on for sure. People who did not grow up on eggshells don't understand this. I cannot tell you how many times people said to me, "Just say X!" Or "Just do Y!" I couldn't. Or at least, it took baby steps over a long time. I do think it is wise to try and prevent her from screwing up your girls; prevent her wherever and in whatever way you can. But I totally get why that is hard.

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After a lifetime of being "the liver", I stood up to my dad two years ago after he verbally abused and physically cornered and intimidated two of my kids. He went in-SANE. It was stunning. He can be very charming and funny when he is on his best behavior, so my kids were deeply traumatized to see the ugly underbelly of his personality in its full glory. Three or four times since then he has tried to make contact and pretend nothing happened, but each time I've told him he needs to first apologize to the children and work to make amends. The day after Christmas when I was trying to explain why it was so important he never act that way around my kids again, I finally told him my brother and I didn't feel safe around him growing up and that was the end of that. He said the most venomous things. He made up lies about things I supposedly did in the past and called me ugly names for having done these things I never did. It was awful. My mom is hurting so much because of the rift and is trying to care for my grandad who has dementia. My brother kind of blames me for causing her so much grief right now. My kids miss their grandmother and even miss their grandpa.

 

No, it's not easy to enforce boundaries. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's hurting so many people. But if I didn't do it, I would be hurting my kids. It's sucks. You have to do what you have to do when you're ready to do it. You are not weak. You aren't. You have to be strong to get through a lifetime of this and come out with your character and your mental health intact.

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After a lifetime of being "the liver", I stood up to my dad two years ago after he verbally abused and physically cornered and intimidated two of my kids. He went in-SANE. It was stunning. He can be very charming and funny when he is on his best behavior, so my kids were deeply traumatized to see the ugly underbelly of his personality in its full glory. Three or four times since then he has tried to make contact and pretend nothing happened, but each time I've told him he needs to first apologize to the children and work to make amends. The day after Christmas when I was trying to explain why it was so important he never act that way around my kids again, I finally told him my brother and I didn't feel safe around him growing up and that was the end of that. He said the most venomous things. He made up lies about things I supposedly did in the past and called me ugly names for having done these things I never did. It was awful. My mom is hurting so much because of the rift and is trying to care for my grandad who has dementia. My brother kind of blames me for causing her so much grief right now. My kids miss their grandmother and even miss their grandpa.

 

No, it's not easy to enforce boundaries. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's hurting so many people. But if I didn't do it, I would be hurting my kids. It's sucks. You have to do what you have to do when you're ready to do it. You are not weak. You aren't. You have to be strong to get through a lifetime of this and come out with your character and your mental health intact.

You did the right thing, Barb. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you and the pressure you're still facing, but I hope you're incredibly proud of yourself for having had the strength to stand up for your kids and for yourself. :grouphug:

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You did the right thing, Barb. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you and the pressure you're still facing, but I hope you're incredibly proud of yourself for having had the strength to stand up for your kids and for yourself. :grouphug:

Kinda. It's hard to pile on my mom though. Sometimes there really are no good answers. But thanks :)

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When you grow up with that sort of parent, you can become attuned to feelings and motivations in a way that others are not. I know I have a gift (or curse) for reading people, and others don't always get it. But it is rare that I turn out to be incorrect in my assessment.

 

I completely understand the conclusions you drew from the interaction your mom had with your kids that day. And, no, not everyone is going to get the "between the lines" stuff that is communicated in such a circumstance.

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When you grow up with that sort of parent, you can become attuned to feelings and motivations in a way that others are not. I know I have a gift (or curse) for reading people, and others don't always get it. But it is rare that I turn out to be incorrect in my assessment.

 

I completely understand the conclusions you drew from the interaction your mom had with your kids that day. And, no, not everyone is going to get the "between the lines" stuff that is communicated in such a circumstance.

This, exactly.

 

You learn to lie with your ear to the ground paying attention to the rumblings so you know when to take cover.

Edited by Barb_
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OP, you have my sympathy. It is hard to convey how difficult handling this type of person can be to someone who hasn't experienced it directly. 

 

Your mother does not sound at all like she has ASD to me. She is manipulating you. That's a VERY non-ASD characteristic. You say she "trained" you and your father; also very non-ASD.   

 

On the other hand, I was reading a thread just yesterday where a couple of moms to ASD children disagreed that manipulation is automatically a non-ASD characteristic. I don't know that it would or should change her approach, but definitely not all people living in an ASD world think that manipulation is not possible. 

 

 
What's wrong here is that the OP is, for whatever reason, too weak to stand up to Grandma. That's the problem she needs to solve.

 

That is the problem she needs to solve, but that's a very harsh way to express it. 

 

She is a victim because she is allowing herself to be a victim 

 

Dang, girl, have a glass of wine and relax, lol. 

 

Surely you know if she really is allergic to dogs or if this is just what she says to make sure you don't let a dog live inside. 

 

I wouldn't know if my mom or my m-i-l had an allergy to dogs, it's not something that has ever come up. 

 

If your mother has a true allergy to dog dander, putting it outside, crating it, vacuuming, etc wouldn't matter. She absolutely couldn't be at your house.   

 

This is not correct. Lots of people have manageable allergies to dogs or cats, and putting away the animal and vacuuming and so on definitely does help. 

 

Wait. Is this another poster posing as a newbie? Have the forum rules about not posting under more than one name changed? I didn't see anything about her being a former poster. Did I miss something? Or misunderstand something?

 

I wouldn't assume that she and the other poster did not request permission first. Those rules are usually in place to prevent people from pretending to be more than one person (sock puppet). If it bothers anyone, they can report the post and mods can decide. 

 

 

I agree with you that her husband sounds supportive and that his suggestions are good. I was just reacting to what felt like a glib "why the heck aren't you doing what he says?" because I know how hard it can be to get from recognizing good advice to implementing it.

 

Yes, and I don't think the OP is giving off strong "jawm" signals. She has agreed that she needs to try therapy again. 

 

Oh, and as far as not having anyone to talk to about it, I figured she meant anyone close to her but not involved in the situation. She can talk to her dh, but he is directly involved, and also automatically 'on her side.' Which is great, but sometimes you want an outside perspective. 

 

It's hard, OP. Just keep trucking and working on those boundaries. 

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People with ASD can be oblivious to social cues and often lack Theory of Mind, which is the ability to see things from someone else's point of view. So what seems like manipulation could be due to ASD. When someone has a personal agenda and doesn't understand how others do or don't fit into it, and if they don't understand others' reactions, their behavior might seem manipulative.

 

I am not saying that the mom has ASD, just that if the OP thinks it is a possibility, I don't see anything in her post that suggests it could not be.

 

OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's doubtful that your mom will change her behaviors, and I'm sure it is hard to know how to deal with her.

Edited by Storygirl
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I think that boundaries are good, but starting further back is important.

If all you have is a bunch of boundaries, you're managing from a negative perspective, and from what I can see here I don't think you want to do that.

 

Start further back, and figure out what you WANT, and how important the various things you want are to you.

 

For instance, do you feel extremely strongly that you want to make Easter dresses for your girls?  Is that part of this problem?  Or is it more than the churn around this is a problem, which you have mentioned already?  I would say, if you are glad to have these outfits, that that is a very charming family tradition to have.  If you feel deprived as a mother by not being able to do this yourself, that's another story.  

 

What DO you want to do for Easter?  Focus on the do's, not the don'ts.  What is your own vision of your own family life?

 

THEN set the boundaries that get you there, remembering that you can't actually control anyone but yourself.

 

Regarding the churn, if this is an otherwise normal relationship, which it sounds like it probably isn't, then you have to realize that your mom has a lot more time and a TON more interest/investment in these outfits than you do.  So what seems like trivial requests to show these to someone to her are much more onerous to you, and that doesn't make either of you evil or wrong.  

 

Regarding the actual incident, my experience is that a lot of kids cannot STAND to have their electronics be interrupted and that it brings out the lizard brain for sure.  I think the one that was rude about that should not be allowed to have that go unchallenged, but that's my family view, which is that electronics are fairly negative, and people always should take priority over them.  

 

However, I would never want someone to come over when I wasn't there, and anyone who woke up a kid of mine would be told very clearly that that is not our way.  

 

I think you handled it fine, but if that had happened in my world, I would have called GMa and told her that we don't want anyone coming by when the babysitter is in charge, to call me first to figure out a time when I would be there, and that waking up the kids is not OK with me.  And if she did come by when I was there, I wouldn't allow her to wake up a kid for this, but I would do my best to schedule a time when everyone was present and awake.  Also, I would give the 8YO a 5 minute warning to get off the electronics before she arrived.

 

But back to the boundaries thing--again, what do YOU want your family life to be like?  Figure that out, and head for that, and everything else will fall into place.

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This didn't sound harsh - I appreciate this feedback. Several people I trust have disagreed with the NPD diagnosis (these are people who know her and are MDs) because she lacks some key characteristics.

 

I don't know where the lines are. Example: We recently got a dog, which I had every intention of living outside. Grandma hates inside dogs and says she has an allergy, but I'm not sure that's true. She comes over frequently. Dog really wants to be inside, and it seems to work well for our family. I don't know how to handle this. On the one hand, if she has an allergy, it seems wrong to place her comfort below the dogs. On the other, I'm not sure if it's a real thing or a "that's not the right way to do things" (i.e. having a dog inside) thing. I don't know how to navigate this because I recognize there's some level of not-rightness in our relationship, but that doesn't mean that I have the right to cut her off, be unkind, ignore her emotional needs entirely....

I have a very healthy relationship with my mom. My mom deeply dislikes animals in the house. My mom also lives in the same town as my family. We have two indoor dogs. If my mom comes over, we put the dogs up. Typically we just visit at my parents' house though. Easy-peasy and my mom has never uttered a complaint about this.

 

I'm an adult. While I appreciate my parents' opinions (and I really do - I seek there opinions out regularly!), what my parents want or think does NOT trump my husband's and my decisions for our family.

Edited by Just Kate
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I would like to play devil's advocate for a moment. I have several ASD adults in my life and this sounds much like their behaviors. For them, the dressmaking would have become a part of their overall personal puzzle--and, with the rigidity that is part of ASD, when one piece is missing, the whole puzzle falls apart.  This is the thing your mother has to give, but to give it she needs compliance. She does not have the skills or theory of mind to know how the children are feeling or how to help them to see her position (needing to be measured). But, she NEEDS to do this because it is what she does, by definition. It is part of how she knows herself and that her family IS her family.  My ASD people would do just as she did, give up because they do not have the skills to problem solve through the situation--not as manipulation, but as genuine inability to cope; they would just leave. This is really hard for me to get across in a post.  

 

I would try again to have the children measured. Plan a time together with your mom and be there yourself. Prepare the children to be ready when she comes and make it fun.  Your boundary can be in setting the date and time, and your support can be in having the children ready and being a bit celebratory about it all--after all, these are very special Easter dresses in the family tradition. Give this precious gift to your mother--she has created a family tradition! Instead of avoiding it. Make it big and special. Give your girls happy memories of their grandmother. Have a measuring tea party and invite your mom. Win win

 

Gain control by doing plenty of giving in the way that you understand your mother and your children need. Of course, setting boundaries is critical, but so is creating an atmosphere of love and acceptance--with young children and a mother who does not or cannot comprehend the thoughts of others, you must be the one to do the considering.  If making dresses is your mother's superpower and self-identifying behavior, then allow that ot be key to her realtionship with your children.  But you hold the space.

Edited by nrg
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