playing at friend's house

[xixstar]

We seem to be on a topic theme, so I'll ask this one.

 

Do you allow your kids to play in neighborhood friends' homes? What criteria do you have to say "yes"?

 

There are several kids that leave nearby and my kids enjoy playing outside together but when they ask to play at their friend's house I almost always say no. Same to when they want to go up the busy street (no sidewalks) to play at the elementary school after hours.

 

Will this socially outcast them from their local peers?

 

There are reasons from a household that smokes (no, never saying yes) to having not met the parents or having met them, and liked them, but I often question some of the leniency of supervision.

 

These are "friendships" of convenience, these are not children that I would count as my children's close friends but they get tired of having to stay outside all the time when they play.

 

We have no playrooms or extra room and so sometimes kids come inside to play but our living room is small and the baby and I are in there too. We are also rather minimal on toys too. And I have low tolerance of noise or crazy behavior.

 

Honestly, I don't see that I'll ever want to say yes but sometimes wonder if that will make them lose their neighborhood friendships.

[kewb]

How old are your kids that are playing outside?

I get that they are friendships of convenience, mine had similar when they were younger, but always saying no will make the friends stop asking and will alter the friendships. You may be okay with that, I know I was, but to you will have decide what your family priorities are.

[AK_Mom4]

yes - the neighbor kids played at our house often because we had more space, but sometimes my older kids went to their friends house to play.   The neighbors didn't have much room, so the kids generally only went over there when the weather was good or when they were going to play a board game with just two kids or work on a project together.  Noisy or rowdy games usually ended up at our house (more space, better back yard).

 

If you don't have room for noisy and rowdy games inside, then I think that's just fine.  Playing outside for hours at a time is not really a hardship for kids unless the weather is ghastly.

[DawnM]

We have just never been that strict.  The kids have chosen friends wisely and we haven't worried about any of them so far in terms of bad influences or things they might see or be exposed to that would concern us.

 

We don't have a lot of neighbor kids though.

[Guest]

When we lived in a neighborhood when dd was younger, yes but only when I knew the parents, knew they would be actually playing and not watching TV or video games, and knew what the supervision level of the parents was. That was my criteria.

[xixstar]

When we lived in a neighborhood when dd was younger, yes but only when I knew the parents, knew they would be actually playing and not watching TV or video games, and knew what the supervision level of the parents was. That was my criteria.

Yeah, we don't have that here. Honestly, I would steer my kids away from majority of these friendships in other social settings but it seems less feasible when they're in the neighborhood.

 

Our neighborhood being a small section of our street with about 8-10 houses and kids in 5-6 of the houses, 10+ children in all.

 

I do like the manners and behaviors of two of the neighborhood children but one is from a smoking household and the other, while I have met and found her mom to be friendly, appears to be mostly unsupervised.

 

My kids get frustrated I always say no but I don't see that changing either.

[xixstar]

We have just never been that strict. The kids have chosen friends wisely and we haven't worried about any of them so far in terms of bad influences or things they might see or be exposed to that would concern us.

 

We don't have a lot of neighbor kids though.

I wish we had less neighborhood kids. In fact, I'd be pretty content with none, but I like being left alone.

 

I also dislike having lots of kids in my yard but there isn't really anywhere else for them to play and I don't let mine cross the street yet /- though honestly at 7 and 8 now they probably could. I just hate that we're are right past a curve where big trucks come speeding past. Speed limit is 25 but 40 seems more common. But the other yard has more of the children I'd rather them not play with at all.

[OneStepAtATime]

Yes kids used to go over to other kids houses in our neighborhood. I had met the parents because my kids started out going to the same Pre-K so even when we started homeschooling I already knew them and had no issues with the kids going over.

 

I went to other kids' houses as a child all the time and they came over to mine. Size of the house was sort of irrelevant. I consider it to have been a wonderful part of my childhood. I didn't develop strong friendships until we started going to each other's houses and spending quality time playing and hanging out both indoors and outdoors for extended periods. I am still very close friends with not only the one girl I ended up hanging out with the most but her entire family. That friendship developed because we were given the time to really get to know each other and our families.

[Farrar]

I let them. They only go to one friends' house - brothers who live across the way. I don't really know the parents. They don't speak English. I'm not especially concerned though. The boys are nice. The parents seem fine. We've talked about proper behavior, when to leave, letting me know where they are, etc. I'm not really concerned. I might have been at age 7 though. Certainly I would need to know the parents better. But my boys are older.

[SKL]

I avoided it until my kids were about 9yo.  I did not want kids in my house, and I didn't want to be one-sided about it, so I told my kids they couldn't go into the neighbor's house.  It was better to play outside anyway.

 

I lightened up a bit after that, but I still need to know in advance if they are planning to go into any house.

 

We have very few families with kids in close walking distance, and those families are busy like ours, so it isn't much of an issue.

[bettyandbob]

I'm curious. What friendships wouldn't start as "convenience"?

 

I consider the people next door good friend. I thought the kids would be friends, but they aren't. However the mom is certainly one of my friends. It's a friendship that built out if convenience. I would not be friends if we didn't live next door.

 

I've had work friends and church friends. I consider those convenient too. As time goes on some of those people become friends beyond those venues.

 

My sister is 56. Her best friend is the girl who lives behind us from the time my sister was 7 until she was 14. If my family had never moved there, my sister would never have met the girl and missed out on a lifetime of sharing.

 

It's too bad there are issues that make the OP want to limit interactions. If problems exist she needs to do that. Limiting play at other houses will certainly change how these relationships develop it may change whether the OP kids are included in outdoor play in a few years.

[J-rap]

Are you worried about your kids being socially outcast in the group of kids with whom you don't want to cultivate close friendships with anyway?  Then, it probably doesn't even matter.  In any event, I don't think it will necessarily result in your children being "social outcasts" with those particular kids, although there's a good chance that those friendships will hit kind of a dead end as a result.

 

Will it cause them to be socially outcast with other kids as well?  I don't think so.

 

Nowadays, I see a lot of different kids in our neighborhood playing outside.  For different reasons, some kids don't ever invite other kids into their homes, or aren't allowed to play in other kids' homes, but they all seem to play together just fine outside nevertheless. 

 

When my kids were young, there were not many kids in the neighborhood at all -- just two families besides ours.  We loved both of those families, and our kids went back and forth to each other's homes often.  

 

 

[Jan in SC]

Ok- this will get me flamed, but I'm curious about something- This isn't really directed at the OP, but more in general-

 

I see people post on here all the time that they have a low tolerance of noise, or don't want their children to have friends at the house. Was this considered before kids? I don't know many kids who just sit quietly most of the day. I understand that a home with one child might be quiet, but I just find his line of thinking unusual. Don't misunderstand, I'm very willing to tell my dc (and their friends) to hold it down, but I expect three kids with a friend each to make a good bit of noise and chaos.

[Mergath]

Except for the one household that smokes, I let dd play in her neighborhood friends' houses. I've met the parents enough times to verify that they don't seem to be psychotic or on heavy drugs, and we live in MN so on cold days in the winter if she wants to play with her friends it pretty much has to be inside.

 

As far as being a social outcast, if I said no all the time I don't think the other kids would intentionally quit playing with dd, but I think they would eventually give up asking her to come over.

[xixstar]

Ok- this will get me flamed, but I'm curious about something- This isn't really directed at the OP, but more in general-

 

I see people post on here all the time that they have a low tolerance of noise, or don't want their children to have friends at the house. Was this considered before kids? I don't know many kids who just sit quietly most of the day. I understand that a home with one child might be quiet, but I just find his line of thinking unusual. Don't misunderstand, I'm very willing to tell my dc (and their friends) to hold it down, but I expect three kids with a friend each to make a good bit of noise and chaos.

My kids know my expectations for household volumes and general craziness and they live with it just fine. Other kids do not and while I don't mind asking them to be quieter, rarely does it last because they're not used to being quieter.

 

Most other kid's normal volume is already louder than mine - like the kids are borederline yelling when talking.

 

I've learned from friends that everyone has different tolerance of noise and rambunctious behavior -- my tolerance is certainly among the lowest of all my friends. What friends consider normal in their house can feel like the inmates are running the asylum to me, but to each their own.

 

My kids are quiet and I very much appreciate it. They can be as loud and crazy as they want - outside! With the exception of screaming, I have strict rules against screaming outside -- save it for actual emergencies.

[Bluegoat]

I generally let them.  There is one house I prefer they not go into - it just seems to cause trouble when they play there, someone gets in a fight or watches something scary on tv.  Often its the teens supervising there and they aren't that careful.

 

I agree with Mergath that the kids wouldn't call to play as much if the others were restricted that way.  Sometimes it s annoying, especially when they all come here, but really I think for kids, it is a blessing to have a gang to hand around with.

 

 

[SKL]

Ok- this will get me flamed, but I'm curious about something- This isn't really directed at the OP, but more in general-

 

I see people post on here all the time that they have a low tolerance of noise, or don't want their children to have friends at the house. Was this considered before kids? I don't know many kids who just sit quietly most of the day. I understand that a home with one child might be quiet, but I just find his line of thinking unusual. Don't misunderstand, I'm very willing to tell my dc (and their friends) to hold it down, but I expect three kids with a friend each to make a good bit of noise and chaos.

 

Personally I think school-aged kids are able to keep the loud, rowdy stuff outside.  Kinda like most of us did as kids.

 

When I was a kid, my mom had a rule against other people's kids in our house, ever, except for *her* friends' kids.  The main reason was that she was a working mom and so there was no adult home to deal with after-school foolishness.  I also think she preferred not to have to deal with it after she got home from a long work day.  You come home and you just want to take off the tight garments and eat your dinner, right?  Not clean up where some random boy peed on your wall because he needed to kill a spider in the bathroom.  (Yes that happened.)

 

So ... I think it's not only reasonable, but also more healthy for kids to do their running and yelling outside.

 

My own personal reason when my kids were younger was that our house was in need of many repairs and sometimes had skunk smell inside.  (Bonus of living near a national park.)  I was not raised to show all the neighbors how bad our house can look and smell.  :)

Edited March 27, 2017 by SKL

[Jan in SC]

Personally I think school-aged kids are able to keep the loud, rowdy stuff outside. Kinda like most of us did as kids.

 

When I was a kid, my mom had a rule against other people's kids in our house, ever, except for *her* friends' kids. The main reason was that she was a working mom and so there was no adult home to deal with after-school foolishness. I also think she preferred not to have to deal with it after she got home from a long work day. You come home and you just want to take off the tight garments and eat your dinner, right? Not clean up where some random boy peed on your wall because he needed to kill a spider in the bathroom. (Yes that happened.)

 

So ... I think it's not only reasonable, but also more healthy for kids to do their running and yelling outside.

I agree that running and yelling can be kept outside, but I except several friends to make some noise. My parents weren't that concerned with the noise, but my mom didn't work, and neither do I. Maybe that is the difference.

[SKL]

I agree that running and yelling can be kept outside, but I except several friends to make some noise. My parents weren't that concerned with the noise, but my mom didn't work, and neither do I. Maybe that is the difference.

 

Yeah, some noise is fine once in a while.  I could not do it regularly though.  I work at home.

 

I do think outdoor play is underrated these days.  They don't need to be indoors making a mess and watching screens.  It actually annoys me when my kids are invited inside at the neighbor's, too, because they are going in there to play video games.  What is the point of hanging with friends if you're not even interacting?  Maybe I should have stuck with my hard-assed rule.  :p

Edited March 27, 2017 by SKL

[ealp2009]

My kids are usually more comfortable playing at our house, be that inside or outside, than at someone else's house. And that's fine with me. I'm willing to have neighbor kids over here. I have one neighboor whose kids I have often because she needs the help and it doesn't bother me. But if it is not raining, I send the kids outside. I would not let my child play at someone's house who I didn't know at the elementary age, (the age of my kids now). We'll see when they are older what they are comfortable with. And what I am comfortable with. My kids are homebodies though so at this point I'm not too worried about it.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited March 27, 2017 by ealp2009

[Jan in SC]

Yeah, some noise is fine once in a while. I could not do it regularly though. I work at home.

 

I do think outdoor play is underrated these days. They don't need to be indoors making a mess and watching screens. It actually annoys me when my kids are invited inside at the neighbor's, too, because they are going in there to play video games. What is the point of hanging with friends if you're not even interacting? Maybe I should have stuck with my hard-assed rule. :p

😂😂😂 That is annoying. My kids have been allowed to roller blade and ride scooters in part of our house. We also have a ping pong table in the playroom. I'm probably more relaxed because I have boys. (Several boys)

[MysteryJen]

When my kids were little and even now with a basketball hoop, they were yelled at for being loud more frequently playing outside, than inside. Neighbors who worked from home with the windows open complained about normal outside kid noise. They asked me to keep them inside during working hours. 

 

I did not do it and sat outside while they played. At normal kid noise levels. Because it was a neighborhood, not an office park. Lots of people don't like kid noise, outside or inside.

 

The kids are all older now and we moved, thank goodness. 

 

 

[rebcoola]

My kids are not allowed in their neighborhood friends houses.  But we have an open door policy here kids  are here constantly.  I mostly worry about screen use and not knowing all the adults in the home.  We have had no problems with losing friends.  Several other people we know have the same policy.  

Edited March 27, 2017 by rebcoola

[stephanier.1765]

As a child and probably like many of you growing up, playing inside rarely happened. Any time we were inside, we were told to get outside. If a friend asked her mother if we could go inside, we were told no. But that was back in the day and things, especially with the progress of technology, have changed. However it certainly didn't kill us or ruin friendships because we were told to stay outside.

Edited March 27, 2017 by slr1765

[shawthorne44]

But, that was when playing outside all the time was the norm.   If the other parents aren't constantly kicking the kids outside, then yes the OP's kids could be eventually shunned.  

[SKL]

Normally if kids see other kids playing outside, they come out to see what's up.  Even nowadays.

 

The exception would be if the neighbor parents don't allow their kids outside.  I don't feel like I need to conform to that ideology.  It's not the best thing for any of the kids.

[xixstar]

About a year or so ago it was very odd to see kids playing outside here - our kids seemed like the only ones. The number of kids playing outside has gone up drastically and now I would say that the majority do spend hours outside now.

 

Thisppst and responses have reassured me that this situation is what it is and nothing needs to change at this time. When my kids are older, maybe I'll consider letting them go to the neighbor's house but for now outside is good enough.

 

And maybe I'll keep working on being more open about kids coming over here. My step mom had a house where all the kids went / it led to her really knowing all of our friends and kept us out of trouble too. I always imagined being that house -- but I am massively introverted too.

Edited March 27, 2017 by xixstar

[heartlikealion]

We don't have a lot of kids around so it doesn't come up much, but there have been instances where dh and I talked about not feeling comfortable dropping ds off at people's homes if we know their parenting style is quite different. For example, there's a woman we know from church that has offered to bring ds over to her home to let him play outside with her grandkids. Around here some people have a lot of land and let the kids roam outside. For them it's fine, but not for us. We don't know what level of supervision there would be and ds has quite strong reactions to ant bites and used to be very sensitive to grass. He can't handle being outdoors too long before complaining about getting too hot. Another person we know has a trampoline in their backyard (yes, it has one of those mesh covers or whatever around it). We would not allow him to use it because he's accident prone. I know we sound overprotective but I don't care. Between the two kids I've been to the ER for freak accidents a few times in the past year. And some of the staff at the nearest one isn't the most competent so we drove further last time which made it an hour drive partially in hail (I'm not kidding) at around 11pm. Not that the kids would be playing outside at 11pm lol but just to say I think some of my overprotectiveness is warranted.

 

Besides that, there are concerns about just knowing the parents and other people that come/go from the home. Older siblings or whoever. I'd want to know who was there and what was going on.

 

As ds gets older I think I will be less nervous. And the home with the trampoline, I wouldn't mind him going there if he knew he couldn't play on the trampoline or wander around. The boy that lives there is very familiar with the area and wanders around the area sometimes. The way the people drive around here it scares us.

[kroe1]

We seem to be on a topic theme, so I'll ask this one.

 

Do you allow your kids to play in neighborhood friends' homes? What criteria do you have to say "yes"?

 

There are several kids that leave nearby and my kids enjoy playing outside together but when they ask to play at their friend's house I almost always say no. Same to when they want to go up the busy street (no sidewalks) to play at the elementary school after hours.

 

Will this socially outcast them from their local peers?

 

There are reasons from a household that smokes (no, never saying yes) to having not met the parents or having met them, and liked them, but I often question some of the leniency of supervision.

 

These are "friendships" of convenience, these are not children that I would count as my children's close friends but they get tired of having to stay outside all the time when they play.

 

We have no playrooms or extra room and so sometimes kids come inside to play but our living room is small and the baby and I are in there too. We are also rather minimal on toys too. And I have low tolerance of noise or crazy behavior.

 

Honestly, I don't see that I'll ever want to say yes but sometimes wonder if that will make them lose their neighborhood friendships.

Your kids, your rules. I never let my kids go in houses which I did not know well. They turned out OK. And I would never let my kids go in a smoker's house, or a drunk's house, or whatever else I did not approve. My kids, my rules. Even if your kids do become social outcasts, is that really worth the risk of going places you do not feel appropriate?

 

Having said that, it is really fun to do some indoor things with other kids, too. Video games, Lego's, etc. are just more fun with others. If your living room is too small, can you set up a play area in the garage or under a big tree or some such?