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helpful suggestions please - possibly overwhelmed??


Melissa in Australia

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The Psychologist working with your family  I believe is from the CPS.  That person is certainly not helping you and is not working on your behalf. After you return the boy to CPS, you, privately need to find a Psychologist or Psychiatrist, that YOU choose, and try to get back to approximately the life your family led, before you brought this boy into your home.  Protect your health. Protect the health of your DH and your DC.  Do not permit further destruction of your family.

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to both Melissa and Rosie. Melissa, you have gotten lots of good advice already, so I'm just gonna add my support. Rosie, I am so sorry that you are dealing with more deep trauma.

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Melissa,

 

I don't know enough of the backstory to really comment other than to encourage you to listen to your friends here who understand the situation.  :grouphug:

 

 

 

Your call, of course, but I can cope with not nice. 

 

My life is not nice either. The thing I've been worried about for the last two years happened. Trauma and I are on a first name basis. 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

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Lastly, if my world was broken and I was in so much trouble that I couldn't even recognize myself, one person whom I would definitely let into the house would be Rosie. She is wise and eminently real, and knows how to be with a person in trouble. I hope you will reconsider letting her help you. <3

 

This! 

 

Much hugs and love to both Melissa and Rosie. If I weren't halfway around the world, I'd offer to come help too.  :grouphug:

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Lastly, if my world was broken and I was in so much trouble that I couldn't even recognize myself, one person whom I would definitely let into the house would be Rosie. She is wise and eminently real, and knows how to be with a person in trouble. I hope you will reconsider letting her help you. <3

 

You've said exactly what I was thinking but couldn't find a good way to articulate.  Rosie is no nonsense and has this uncanny ability to cut through the junk and get to the heart of the matter.  I think she would be a great help for you to see this situation as it stands not with all the guilt the social services is heaping on you.  Even if you don't think you are up to it an objective person might be exactly what you need.

 

And Rosie I'm sorry to hear things are not well for you but still in awe that you can find the energy to reach out to Melissa.  I hope things get better soon for both of you.

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And Rosie I'm sorry to hear things are not well for you but still in awe that you can find the energy to reach out to Melissa. 

 

It's nothing to be in awe about. It's just the difference between crisis and non-crisis trauma. 

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I am feeling much better this morning, thank you everyone.

 

 

I am glad you feel better.

 

I have no advice to give.  I agree with a lot of what has been said.  I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am so glad you reached out here.  Some people have some amazing advice.  It always helps to hear from someone who has really gone through what you have. 

 

 

 

Whatever you decide to do, know that we are all here for you.  Use us.  Venting and talking things through can help.   

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:grouphug: to you, Melissa, and to you, Rosie as well.  I am so sorry you are both going through difficult times right now!  My heart breaks for you both.

 

 


Lastly, if my world was broken and I was in so much trouble that I couldn't even recognize myself, one person whom I would definitely let into the house would be Rosie. She is wise and eminently real, and knows how to be with a person in trouble. I hope you will reconsider letting her help you. <3

:iagree:

 

When we are most overwhelmed and feel least like we could let anyone in, that is when we need to the most.  I've struggled with this as well. 

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In posts 41 and 43 in this thread, you got some excellent advice. Those are just the most recent posts giving you excellent advice. You MUST return this boy, immediately. On Monday morning (your time)you and your DH need to  take him to the CPS office and leave him there. That seems cruel, but I do not see any other way for you to end this situation immediately.

 

If she just drops him off at social services, they could charge her with abandonment AND take away her twins. All three of the kids are in a permanent care placement. I'm sure there is a protocol that has to be followed. But it does sound like an emergency, which is why I think going up the chain using the emergency angle may be best.

 

Melissa, this kid sounds like he needs to be the only child in a house. Being a the "wrong" kind of family (with younger siblings) is likely holding him back from healing. You have done the best you can, but his needs and what you can provide are not a match. Maybe he could do much better with a single parent and no other kids, where he can't play people against each other.

 

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Your call, of course, but I can cope with not nice. 

 

My life is not nice either. The thing I've been worried about for the last two years happened. Trauma and I are on a first name basis. 

 

If that refers to what I think it does... I'm so, so sorry....  :grouphug:

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If she just drops him off at social services, they could charge her with abandonment AND take away her twins. All three of the kids are in a permanent care placement. I'm sure there is a protocol that has to be followed. But it does sound like an emergency, which is why I think going up the chain using the emergency angle may be best.

 

Melissa, this kid sounds like he needs to be the only child in a house. Being a the "wrong" kind of family (with younger siblings) is likely holding him back from healing. You have done the best you can, but his needs and what you can provide are not a match. Maybe he could do much better with a single parent and no other kids, where he can't play people against each other.

 

I agree that she not just leave him at the front door of CPS. Not suggesting that. However many heroes die trying to rescue someone. She needs not to have her health and family destroyed. She needs to end this immediately

 

 

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I am feeling much better this morning, thank you everyone.

I'm glad you are feeling better. I really hope that you keep pursuing an ASAP solution though. I really feel that this is an outcome of the mess out foster system is in and you have been very poorly treated.

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I'm glad you are feeling better. I really hope that you keep pursuing an ASAP solution though. I really feel that this is an outcome of the mess out foster system is in and you have been very poorly treated.

 

I wish we could work out how to establish res-homes. If people can get millions in government money to treat res-kids like utter you-know-what, not even feeding or clothing them properly, people who are not unprincipled you-know-whats should be able to get funding to feed, clothe, educate and pay for RAD specialists to travel from wherever the hell they are.

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Well DH just rang the placement agency and said that what we need is a week respite so we can process things. They agreed . so second week of school holidays he will be having respite.they also suggested that they discuss further help like maybe a mentor that takes him for a day every weekend etc.. Why do they have to wait until you are just about breaking to put some help in??

 

DH then suggested to me that when the respite is happening I go for a holiday for a couple of days and visit my grandmother. I feel way way better with just the thought of that.

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Well DH just rang the placement agency and said that what we need is a week respite so we can process things. They agreed . so second week of school holidays he will be having respite.they also suggested that they discuss further help like maybe a mentor that takes him for a day every weekend etc.. Why do they have to wait until you are just about breaking to put some help in??

 

DH then suggested to me that when the respite is happening I go for a holiday for a couple of days and visit my grandmother. I feel way way better with just the thought of that.

I hope a week is enough for you to realize that your family will be better off if the boy is permanently placed in another home, preferably one where he is the only child.

 

I don't mean to sound so cold, but I have been following your story and I am having a lot of trouble understanding why you're willing to put yourself through such torture, as well as why your dh is willing to stand by and watch you suffer like this. I know he's involved in taking care of the kids, but you're the one who has to do it 24/7.

 

Sending you many hugs and best wishes that everything works out for you.

 

When will the respite week be? I hope it's soon!

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I hope a week is enough for you to realize that your family will be better off if the boy is permanently placed in another home, preferably one where he is the only child.

 

I don't mean to sound so cold, but I have been following your story and I am having a lot of trouble understanding why you're willing to put yourself through such torture, as well as why your dh is willing to stand by and watch you suffer like this. I know he's involved in taking care of the kids, but you're the one who has to do it 24/7.

 

Sending you many hugs and best wishes that everything works out for you.

 

When will the respite week be? I hope it's soon!

 

+1

 

If the OP and her DH allow this situation to continue, it will only become worse.   It is in the best interests of CPS to have the child in their home, as long as is possible, and CPS will do everything they can possibly do to prolong that.  CPS wins. The OP and her family lose. 

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You will no doubt feel better after a week of respite, but then you'll be right back in the fray. Iirc, they have not kept promises in the past, have delayed services, etc. How long do you think it will take till you cycle right back to where you stand right now? How can you, your marriage, your other kids, handle that kind of stress long-term?

 

You need a week of rest. Then you need another week, or a month, or however long it takes, to set up some very reliable long term coping mechanisms before taking the child back into your home.

 

You speak of the impact this is having on you. I have perhaps simply missed it, but I haven't read lately how this boy is affecting your husband, your other children, your extended families, and your relationships with each of them. My assumption is that all of them are approaching critical mass.

 

eta (((hugs))) because the above sounds so terse. But I do believe this will be a cyclical problem for you without some real changes. I'm worried that your tender heart will be the death of you!

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God bless the OP and her DH for trying to help this boy. They are heroes for trying to help him. Now they need for CPS to remove him from their home so they can try to salvage their health and family. Not for a week

They need him gone permantly or they are the big losers and the victims of thi

 

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I doubt that 1 day a week of respite will be enough, but maybe if they get serious you could work out something that might work.  The problem is that nobody on their end seems to be serious about supporting you at all.  Maybe you could ask for a completely different case team and give examples of these people's language as backup for why that is needed.

 

Maybe if they realize you are DONE with their crap, they will discuss it like adults.

 

Maybe "enough support" is not possible since you are so remote geographically.  I don't know.  I do know that it isn't doing anyone any good to delay a resolution.  :(

 

But, I'm super glad you are getting respite in the short run.

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He is a boy, not a dog that can easily be abandoned. We still feel increadably sorry for him. It is so easy for others to say just send him packing, but when the morning comes DH and I think just another day, just two more weeks so he can finish off the school term.....

 

He is the full biological brother to the twins. If he stays with us for a little bit longer it will give the school time to get the psychological and cognitive assessments done that they are pushing so hard to get. Something that should have been done in the last 5 years that he has been a ward of the state. He is a damaged child and needs serious help. DH and I know that we are not capable of doing this, but if he stays for a few more months it will make it possible for him to get the help he needs so desperately in the future ( hopefully).

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I can see trying to hang on for a few more months to get him the evaluations and help he needs, especially if you get some respite in place. I'm glad to know you are recognizing that you have human limitations and are not likely able to provide him a home permanently without destroying yourselves and family.

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:grouphug:  :grouphug: I don't have a lot to add. Mostly just another word of support.

 

Melissa, you're such a caring person who is trying her hardest to do what's best. I honestly shudder to think what it's like for so many kids in a system where most foster parents don't even have the capacity to do as much as you've done. I'm appalled at how the case manager is treating you. From what little I know, I suspect that some of these issues are emerging now because your new arrival feels safer than ever before - safe enough to let out his problems more than ever before.

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Melissa, I don't have any wisdom to speak to this situation and have not BTDT. I just wanted to say I am in awe of you for the way you assisted the twins. You are an incredible human being; my hat is off to you. My foster care friends have made me realize what a self-centered crybaby I am. 😠I can barely deal with the usual difficult mothering moments - cholic, tantrums, sneaking, bickering, and the inevitable Lego left right where I am going to step in the dark.

 

You amaze me.

 

And my heartfelt hugs to Rosie, too. You are so Real. â¤ï¸

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Yes, but will YOU be able to make it "a little longer", or "a few more months". That is the question. Are you willing to sacrifice your health and your family's relationships for that? Do you think you will regret this when he is long gone, getting the 'serious help', and you are picking up the pieces of yourself and your family? You need to think long-term about more than just the boy.

 

Maybe it would help to find someone - anyone - who could help you think all this through. (Agreeing with others that Rosie really has a gift for that .... )

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I agree.

 

Honestly, my biggest concern is for the family's safety, particularly the two youngest children because I know Melissa has said that the new arrival kills animals with no remorse, and I worry that he will decide to test his skills on a somewhat larger human victim, whether one of the two little ones or even on Melissa and her dh at night while they sleep.

 

I hope I'm just being paranoid, but it's so hard for me to imagine why they would put a boy with his history into a home with small children. It seems like such a terrible decision.

 

Melissa, I'm hoping that whatever you decide to do will be the best choice for your entire family. I know that I would be making a different choice than you seem to be making, but only you know what is right for your own situation. I wish you all the very best. :grouphug:

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He is a boy, not a dog that can easily be abandoned. We still feel increadably sorry for him. It is so easy for others to say just send him packing, but when the morning comes DH and I think just another day, just two more weeks so he can finish off the school term.....

 

He is the full biological brother to the twins. If he stays with us for a little bit longer it will give the school time to get the psychological and cognitive assessments done that they are pushing so hard to get. Something that should have been done in the last 5 years that he has been a ward of the state. He is a damaged child and needs serious help. DH and I know that we are not capable of doing this, but if he stays for a few more months it will make it possible for him to get the help he needs so desperately in the future ( hopefully).

You are right, he is not a dog, he is a boy.  If staying just a little longer gives him a fighting chance then it is admirable that you are trying to hold on that long.  I am sending you heartfelt hugs, best wishes, prayers, positive vibes and pretty much anything else I can think of since I can't be there in person to offer anything of substance.  I hope this works out well and that in the end he does get the help he needs.  I really, really do.  Just please don't destroy your own health (mental and physical) in the process.

 

How any case worker could say anything negative about you after all you have tried to do is beyond me.

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It sounds like instead of being heard and acknowledged you were brushed aside (putting it mildly). Instead of getting assistance in helping a child to adjust to your home, you have been berated.

 

I would be mad too. And on top of that you have said child to deal with.

God bless your dh for taking them camping.

 

1. Can you find a new therapist with whom you can build better rapport? Someone who will hear you and make an effort in getting to know the whole picture?

2. Any way of having someone help out just for an hour or two a day so you can take a breath and regroup?

3. Do you have a support network specific to foster care issues and people who know what it's like who can chime in?

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Maybe it would help to find someone - anyone - who could help you think all this through.  (Agreeing with others that Rosie really has a gift for that .... )

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

No for the thinking. I know nothing at all about dealing with RAD.

 

What I do know is trauma, and I'm good at making rude comments about nasty people. I seem to be better at that than Melissa is. We all have our talents. ;)

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No for the thinking. I know nothing at all about dealing with RAD.

 

What I do know is trauma, and I'm good at making rude comments about nasty people. I seem to be better at that than Melissa is. We all have our talents. ;)

Rosie you 😂 make me laugh. Believe me I said some not so nice things to the psychologist.

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Melissa I would not waste my time with that Psychologist. I read that you would like to help him and that's admirable. Risking your health and safety's​I am going to and I hope and that of your family is extremely dangerous. We know he is not a dog. He must go before ther

 

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I agree.

 

Honestly, my biggest concern is for the family's safety, particularly the two youngest children because I know Melissa has said that the new arrival kills animals with no remorse, and I worry that he will decide to test his skills on a somewhat larger human victim, whether one of the two little ones or even on Melissa and her dh at night while they sleep.

 

I hope I'm just being paranoid, but it's so hard for me to imagine why they would put a boy with his history into a home with small children. It seems like such a terrible decision.

 

Melissa, I'm hoping that whatever you decide to do will be the best choice for your entire family. I know that I would be making a different choice than you seem to be making, but only you know what is right for your own situation. I wish you all the very best. :grouphug:

His history only had 3 accounts of harming a dog. I am thinking this lack of history is because he was In the city in a house with no real yard, and there wasn't animals to get to.

 

Well he hasn't killed any mammals yet, just harmed them. He mostly likes mangling small animals. He calls it rescuing them.

 

He told case manager that he hasn't harmed a animal for 4 days, so cannot understand why he isn't allowed to touch them still. Case manager brought this up to me in front of child as she felt he had a valid point. I was pretty speechless. 4 months and I would still be hesitant to let him touch animal. His DHHS worker suggested to me that I should buy him a pet on the day I caught him spying on me.??? I am dealing with a level of crazy that renders me speechless.

 

He does harm children but it is more of the sly manipulative behaviour, not outright violence.

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His history only had 3 accounts of harming a dog. I am thinking this lack of history is because he was In the city in a house with no real yard, and there wasn't animals to get to.

 

Well he hasn't killed any mammals yet, just harmed them. He mostly likes mangling small animals. He calls it rescuing them.

 

He told case manager that he hasn't harmed a animal for 4 days, so cannot understand why he isn't allowed to touch them still. Case manager brought this up to me in front of child as she felt he had a valid point. I was pretty speechless. 4 months and I would still be hesitant to let him touch animal. His DHHS worker suggested to me that I should buy him a pet on the day I caught him spying on me.??? I am dealing with a level of crazy that renders me speechless.

 

He does harm children but it is more of the sly manipulative behaviour, not outright violence.

Wow. Cause yeah giving a child who mangles small animals (although if they don't for 4 days that means they won't anymore so no worries) a pet as the reward/cure for spying is absolutely what most sane parents/caregivers would do.

 

Good grief. Were they dropping acid? Smoking shrooms? Wow.

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I don't mean to sound so cold, but I have been following your story and I am having a lot of trouble understanding why you're willing to put yourself through such torture, as well as why your dh is willing to stand by and watch you suffer like this. 

 

Because she knows she is this boys last shot at a normal life. Sending him back will destroy any chance he has of a successful placement again, and this is likely the only chance he will have at the testing he needs. He's been in the system for 5 years with nothing done. She's still doing this because it's not as simple as returning him like a defective product, she knows what she would be sending him back to, and what the odds would be for him if this placement fails before he can get some paperwork in place.

 

I cannot believe the callousness in this thread. Absolutely can't. I acknowledged above that maybe this boy is beyond the point of being saved, and that she needs to protect herself and the kids and especially the twins if this is the case. But let's not discount this boy from the equation! Just drop him off at CPS like dropping a dog at the pound? People here convinced through very small anecdotes (relating to a system in a country that isn't even their own!) that they know what is best for the family and acting like Melissa is stupid for not just returning him now? Just send him off and move on with life as if you haven't just doomed a boy to more abuse and neglect? Or does he deserve it for being so traumatised? Of course Melissa is struggling with this decision, anyone who doesn't is heartless and selfish. Most of us would run into a burning building for our biological child and die saving them. Why does this boy deserve any less? I've already agreed Melissa cannot sacrifice her whole family for the boy, I'm not advocating she run into the burning building for him. But this decision is heartbreaking. If it wasn't, she would be a horrible foster parent. The fact this hurts, and is so hard, and she's pushing beyond 'logical' limits is what makes her amazing. And callous, harsh comments that he should just be sent back and forgotten about don't help anything. 

 

I said it in the last post and i'll say it again. Our society pays lip service to supporting abuse victims, but only the scared, broken ones, not the angry and disturbed ones. As a fellow angry and disturbed abuse victim, who the system ignored because I was also too difficult to deserve help, I feel so much sympathy for this boy. If he was scared and in a corner crying there would be an outpouring of concern and love for him. But because he's angry and disturbed, suddenly he has no emotions and his future, his chances at life, don't factor into the decisions at all? No way. 

 

It does sound like a permanent placement is out of the question here, and that's ok Melissa. Anything you can give him is more than the system has given him in 5 years. The system is being unfair and ridiculous with you, it's awful and exactly why I could never foster despite my heart for it. But this isn't about them, it's about you and it's about that little boy. As a fellow abuse victim, THANK YOU for what you're doing, and for fighting for the paperwork and assessments that might give him any chance in the future. From the very vague picture you've painted, it sounds to me like he is beyond in-home help already, right now he cannot be saved and it's unlikely he will ever get a successful in-home placement. But every week you have him is a week that will impact him and that effect may not be seen now, or in a year or in 5 years, but I guarantee once he hits rock bottom and begins to climb out it will make a difference, and every bit of help you put in place here will make a difference down the track. You can't help his immediate future, but you're making a difference to his long term future. Most people would never consider doing what you are doing, believe me, I know. But those few precious people who will make all the difference for people like us. 

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You are such a kind and generous person, Rosie. I wanted to like your post but I know you don't have a Like button any more.

Ditto. What a kid soul you are Rosie.

 

Melissa I am worried about you too. Do you have the option of sending new arrival back?

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Because she knows she is this boys last shot at a normal life. Sending him back will destroy any chance he has of a successful placement again, and this is likely the only chance he will have at the testing he needs. He's been in the system for 5 years with nothing done. She's still doing this because it's not as simple as returning him like a defective product, she knows what she would be sending him back to, and what the odds would be for him if this placement fails before he can get some paperwork in place.

 

I cannot believe the callousness in this thread. Absolutely can't. I acknowledged above that maybe this boy is beyond the point of being saved, and that she needs to protect herself and the kids and especially the twins if this is the case. But let's not discount this boy from the equation! Just drop him off at CPS like dropping a dog at the pound? People here convinced through very small anecdotes (relating to a system in a country that isn't even their own!) that they know what is best for the family and acting like Melissa is stupid for not just returning him now? Just send him off and move on with life as if you haven't just doomed a boy to more abuse and neglect? Or does he deserve it for being so traumatised? Of course Melissa is struggling with this decision, anyone who doesn't is heartless and selfish. Most of us would run into a burning building for our biological child and die saving them. Why does this boy deserve any less? I've already agreed Melissa cannot sacrifice her whole family for the boy, I'm not advocating she run into the burning building for him. But this decision is heartbreaking. If it wasn't, she would be a horrible foster parent. The fact this hurts, and is so hard, and she's pushing beyond 'logical' limits is what makes her amazing. And callous, harsh comments that he should just be sent back and forgotten about don't help anything.

 

I said it in the last post and i'll say it again. Our society pays lip service to supporting abuse victims, but only the scared, broken ones, not the angry and disturbed ones. As a fellow angry and disturbed abuse victim, who the system ignored because I was also too difficult to deserve help, I feel so much sympathy for this boy. If he was scared and in a corner crying there would be an outpouring of concern and love for him. But because he's angry and disturbed, suddenly he has no emotions and his future, his chances at life, don't factor into the decisions at all? No way.

 

It does sound like a permanent placement is out of the question here, and that's ok Melissa. Anything you can give him is more than the system has given him in 5 years. The system is being unfair and ridiculous with you, it's awful and exactly why I could never foster despite my heart for it. But this isn't about them, it's about you and it's about that little boy. As a fellow abuse victim, THANK YOU for what you're doing, and for fighting for the paperwork and assessments that might give him any chance in the future. From the very vague picture you've painted, it sounds to me like he is beyond in-home help already, right now he cannot be saved and it's unlikely he will ever get a successful in-home placement. But every week you have him is a week that will impact him and that effect may not be seen now, or in a year or in 5 years, but I guarantee once he hits rock bottom and begins to climb out it will make a difference, and every bit of help you put in place here will make a difference down the track. You can't help his immediate future, but you're making a difference to his long term future. Most people would never consider doing what you are doing, believe me, I know. But those few precious people who will make all the difference for people like us.

We will have to agree to disagree.

 

Those of us who feel differently than you do are most certainly not "callous," "heartless," or "selfish," and I resent your accusations. You are way out of line. Name-calling is entirely inappropriate.

 

I'm not going to argue with you about this. You are entitled to your opinion, but I would suggest that perhaps you should be less judgmental toward those of us who are extremely concerned about the emotional, psychological, and perhaps even physical wellbeing of Melissa and her family.

 

No one is saying the boy doesn't deserve good care. We all feel sorry for him and hope he is able to get the help he needs. But we are thinking of Melissa first. Her original post in this thread was nothing short of heartwrenching, and it seemed clear to many of us that this child is causing her incredible distress to the point where many of us were concerned about her welfare.

 

Clearly our priorities are different, because in my mind, Melissa's emotional health and that of her family outweighs her responsibility to keep this child in her home, even for a short while longer.

 

Again, we will have to agree to disagree.

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Melissa, I'm glad you are feeling better. I hope your time away will give you some rest and clarity on how to move forward.

 

And Rosie, I'm so sorry to hear you've endured more trauma. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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His history only had 3 accounts of harming a dog. I am thinking this lack of history is because he was In the city in a house with no real yard, and there wasn't animals to get to.

 

Well he hasn't killed any mammals yet, just harmed them. He mostly likes mangling small animals. He calls it rescuing them.

 

He told case manager that he hasn't harmed a animal for 4 days, so cannot understand why he isn't allowed to touch them still. Case manager brought this up to me in front of child as she felt he had a valid point. I was pretty speechless. 4 months and I would still be hesitant to let him touch animal. His DHHS worker suggested to me that I should buy him a pet on the day I caught him spying on me.??? I am dealing with a level of crazy that renders me speechless.

 

He does harm children but it is more of the sly manipulative behaviour, not outright violence.

 

What an incompetent &^%$!

Is her degree in underwater basket weaving????

 

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Because she knows she is this boys last shot at a normal life. Sending him back will destroy any chance he has of a successful placement again, and this is likely the only chance he will have at the testing he needs. He's been in the system for 5 years with nothing done. She's still doing this because it's not as simple as returning him like a defective product, she knows what she would be sending him back to, and what the odds would be for him if this placement fails before he can get some paperwork in place.

 

 

thank you Abba12 for your understanding. It is so hard. I don't think people not involved in the system realise how not clear cut it is. nor how bad Residential Units can be here. 

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