Need help. Boys are addicted to video games.

[Guest]

This is very interesting.  If boy's brains are taking so long to mature, why are we giving them so much adult responsibility long before this?

Not that I'm asking for you to answer.  This just opens up a huge can of questions for me. 

 

I actually think that while this is a fairly complex answer, there are some things that have been true in the past that are not anymore but that provided support for a maturing male.   And we are also in territory we haven't traveled before, and without the past supports, we don't know where to go with this innovation.   Heaven knows, the people who yell STOP!  LET'S THINK about this! are often disregarded as cranks or luddites.  But maybe...it wouldn't have been a bad thing to stop and think...

 

However, we have kept a lot of the old "markers" for maturity, and also, at some point, there is *physical* maturity that seems to indicate an accompanying emotional/spirtual/developmental maturity.  So drinking at age 18 or 21, college or job and self-sufficiency at 18, voting at 18...the maturity *markers* remain the same.  

 

About 20 years ago I had a conversation with a colleague at work whose son was a-wander at 18 (and this wasn't about gaming...).  My friend lamented the fact that there were fewer places for young men to go "get mature" than when he himself was 18.  He said that doing military service in ages 18-22 was one really good option, as *could* be college (but some kids aren't the college-type).  He said his son needed structure and there just wasn't much that provided that in our modern world.  I thought it an interesting observation. 

 

I do want to point out that I am musing here, and not speaking with the same voice as in the other posts in this thread.  It's just....musing.  

[Guest]

I hope you will continue to speak up loudly and often! :hurray:

 

It's information every parent should have, and posts like yours can help people recognize the warning signs very early, before a serious problem develops. I admire you for wanting to help other families, and I also truly appreciate it that, despite what your own family has experienced, that you are still able to be so open-minded and non-judgmental toward others. You have a unique ability to get your point across while still being kind and thoughtful. :)

 

I still cry a lot.  How can I judge another when I myself have failed to understand?  

 

We do see light, we do see recovery.  But we could *not* have done this alone, any more than HE could have.  It takes the *right* village to come through these sorts of things.  I'm not really through it yet.  So many broken dreams.  And yet...some glue, too.

 

Thank you for your kind words.  

[unsinkable]

"*All Things in Moderation*"

 

Unless it's an addiction

[HTRMom]

I have a teenage family member I believe is very addicted to social media. Patty Joanna, would similar resources or techniques be helpful there?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Guest]

I have a teenage family member I believe is very addicted to social media. Patty Joanna, would similar resources or techniques be helpful there?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Take a look at the reSTART website.  https://netaddictionrecovery.com

 

They don't take the approach that technology is BAD but that technology is a good tool but a bad master.  

There are a lot of pointers to resources on that site, and you can also read about their offerings.  

 

I myself can get super hooked on social media (which includes these boards!) and I've found that taking a 3 week break from all/some/one of them can dial back the obsession.  But it is not addiction in my case.  There is a difference between involved/obsessed/addicted.  

 

Also, I think our counselor has some good resources on her site:  steelcounseling.com.  She has guidelines, some frameworks for understanding what is going on, and pointers for further reading.  

 

Ultimately, the obsessed/addicted person is the one who has to want to recover.  We think our son did want to recover but could not, and that is WHY he recovered.  But we had to make the conditions of his life such that he saw that it was necessary.  What else are parents and friends for?  (Ugh.  Hope to never do that again...)

[Catwoman]

What I said (and you seem to disagree with) was it's not great to have "young people sitting on their butts 20+ hours over a span of a weekend". To me, that's too sedentary.

If the kids are relatively active during the week, I don't see a problem with it.

 

It's okay that we disagree.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm addicted to this board.

 

you ppl are too entertaining  :laugh:

[kroe1]

So those of you with over users of video games, would your outlook change if your kid was making in the 6 digits like many of the online famous gamers do? Just curious.

[Guest]

So those of you with over users of video games, would your outlook change if your kid was making in the 6 digits like many of the online famous gamers do? Just curious.

 

I think that is a fair question.  

 

It would not change my mind about MY son.  He had become so adrenalized that he was unable to gain weight.  He was skeletal (one of the two body-weight extremes typical of addicts).  Six-digit incomes are of no use to a dead man.

[SparklyUnicorn]

So those of you with over users of video games, would your outlook change if your kid was making in the 6 digits like many of the online famous gamers do? Just curious.

 

I wonder the same. 

 

I have watched competitive gamers.  There is no way they would be as good as they are without A LOT of practice.  The kind of practice that would make many people wonder if they were addicted.

[Guest]

So those of you with over users of video games, would your outlook change if your kid was making in the 6 digits like many of the online famous gamers do? Just curious.

If my kid made more than dh, I suspect a great many things would change.

 

Like they'd be grown up. They'd have to find work/life balance. Something they'd probably struggle with if no one influential never introduced the concept.

 

So, no. I do not think it's a good plan to let kids struggle and build bad habits just in case in might lead to six figures.

 

REMEMBER one person's bad habit is another person's bare minimum.... Once more for the people in the back, every family and individual has their own circumstances and limitations.

[Guest]

I wonder the same.

 

I have watched competitive gamers. There is no way they would be as good as they are without A LOT of practice. The kind of practice that would make many people wonder if they were addicted.

I was thinking the same thing.

 

So, what if you had a kid who loved basketball. Got up early, played basketball until school, and then at lunch and was first to come to and last to leave practice. And then played basketball until bedtime and then dreamed about basketball.

 

And let's say he was pretty good. Maybe one who would make it in the NBA. Maybe you'd encourage it, even tho the odds against are pretty long. At least he can probably get a college scholarship and have that road open.

 

But what if he's fully grown and he's 5'8". Would that change the way you encouraged and directed him? Or, what if he's 6'...and a senior And not on the varsity squad. Then what do you say or do?

 

I assume there are parallels in gaming. The six figures CAN happen. But I also assume that it doesn't happen to many people. So it's probably a good idea for most kids to have a backup plan and the energy and breadth to at least make that backup plan possible.

 

Amazing things CAN happen when you least expect it. I know that from personal experience.

[Arcadia]

We went cold turkey for my younger boy that could not self regulate. It was his go to for boredom and he would wail when he has to stop for meals or bedtime. He is a very active (could not keep still) child so we resort to paying for indoor rock climbing drop in sessions when the weather is bad.

 

So those of you with over users of video games, would your outlook change if your kid was making in the 6 digits like many of the online famous gamers do? Just curious.

People do die from binge gaming in Asia (e.g. https://www.rt.com/news/223615-taiwan-man-dead-internet/) and I have friends who can stop eating, drinking, going toilet, sleeping just to play. A few of them are chain smokers as well as gaming addicts and they looked anorexic. I used to hang out at arcade and bars during weekends while in college. Sega was big in the arcade world in Asia in the 80s-90s.

 

I like watching NASCAR and formula one racing but I rather my kids earn less as a race car mechanic than earn the big bucks as the driver. Similarly, I rather my kids earn a decent amount as a game programmer than as a competitive video gamer.

[Guest]

snipped

 

People do die from binge gaming in Asia (e.g. https://www.rt.com/news/223615-taiwan-man-dead-internet/) and I have friends who can stop eating, drinking, going toilet, sleeping just to play. A few of them are chain smokers as well as gaming addicts and they looked anorexic. I used to hang out at arcade and bars during weekends while in college. Sega was big in the arcade world in Asia in the 80s-90s.

 

snipped

 

I was told by one of the counselors we talked to (we had to look pretty hard to find one gaming-focused and nearby) that some people (kids and adults) actually wear Depends so they don't have to leave the game even for a minute.  

 

Ewwwww.  

[Catwoman]

I was told by one of the counselors we talked to (we had to look pretty hard to find one gaming-focused and nearby) that some people (kids and adults) actually wear Depends so they don't have to leave the game even for a minute.

 

Ewwwww.

Ok, that's just plain disgusting. :ack2:

 

And it's more than a little disturbing. :eek:

 

I would be beyond worried if I found out that someone I knew was so addicted to anything that they wouldn't even stop to use the rest room.

[Reefgazer]

I think some kids are self-limiting with the electronics, but mine isn't. DD doesn't need limits, but gets the same ones as DS in order to avoid WWIII.

 

I hope I don't sound like I'm against the idea of limiting electronics. We don't do it, but I can certainly understand why other families do things differently than we do. :)

Edited March 21, 2017 by reefgazer

[Meriwether]

We limit gaming screen time. Not hard and fast limits. Some weeks or even months they don't play at all. If they spend too much time on it some weekend, I get twitchy and tell them to get off.  I don't think video games are evil, but gaming isn't a life.

[Guest]

Patty Joanna, thank you for your post, I am not quoting because of your request, but wanted to share another treatment center:

 

https://aspiroadventure.com

 

A friend of ours sent her son there. He had a true addiction. He would stay up all night, steal CC numbers from his parents to buy games online, spent thousands of dollars, would reject getting together with friends, etc.....

 

We need to be careful with throwing around the word addiction. My kids LOVE video games and play them a lot, but they also would prefer time with friends, etc...

 

Our rule is this: When we ask you to get off you MUST either get off immediately OR communicate that you are in the middle of a game and will get off as soon as it is over. If you don't do those things, you get restricted in the future for a period of time.

 

So far, even though they could play for hours every day of the weekend, they have obeyed the rules.

Thank you, Dawn!

 

I looked at this program and a few other wilderness programs. We spoke at length with the counselor we met with, and with two of the wilderness programs which were real possibilities. One of them was in Maine, and another in Utah.

 

They were less money than reSTART, and because they focus on so *many* different problems, the head of one of the wilderness programs told us that if we could afford ReSTART, to go there as it has a super high effectiveness rate. Part of the effectiveness is a sort of half-way house living arrangement with other guys who face the same ussues and support each other in a joint living arrangement for 6-9 months after the 7 week residential treatment. We were also a little skittish about introducing too many OTHER addictive problems at a time when the focus needed to be on gaming addiction. When there are too many other issues, the addict often en ends up saying: "I'm only playing some GAMES; that guy's doing cocaine!!!"

 

(You can endlessly substitute in this scenario: I'm only looking at picture of pretty girls--that guy over there is a walking rage machine." Etc.) This kind of rationalization goes on across all types of addictive behavior.

 

One wilderness program we looked into had a week where it was all drug-related issues, and another week where it was p*rn...so there was no excuse and support from people who have to face down the same demons...

 

But this option can be a good one in certain situations. I've got a friend whose mid-teen is at one, probably for the next four years. He's thriving there Ashe ...wasn't... at home.

[SparklyUnicorn]

If my kid made more than dh, I suspect a great many things would change.

 

Like they'd be grown up. They'd have to find work/life balance. Something they'd probably struggle with if no one influential never introduced the concept.

 

So, no. I do not think it's a good plan to let kids struggle and build bad habits just in case in might lead to six figures.

 

REMEMBER one person's bad habit is another person's bare minimum.... Once more for the people in the back, every family and individual has their own circumstances and limitations.

 

A lot of competitive athletes have the support of family.  They either don't work or don't work all that much because training takes so much time.  Sometimes they don't make money from the sport for many many years. 

 

I'm not saying I could/would support either of these things.  It would be hard for me to see the value in it because that concept is pretty foreign to me, but it is a thing (that some parents choose to support). 

[Reefgazer]

Threads on video games always go this way because the OP who is posting generally is asking for help. So people who are in the trenches and BTDT are posting what works for them, and universally, it seems what works for them is to eliminate or greatly reduce the video game exposure.

:iagree:

 

You and I both know that this is the way threads about video gaming always seem to go. :)

 

I think we're both pretty flexible and live-and-let-live about gaming. If one family allows unlimited access and it works for them, we're fine with that. If another family is adamantly anti-gaming or has very strict rules and that's what happens to be best for their family, that's fine, too.

 

The problem I see is when people try to decide what's right for ALL families based on their own personal opinions.

 

I don't mind reading the cautionary posts like Patty Joanna's because I think she is providing valuable information without being judgmental -- and all parents should be aware of things to watch out for if your kids are heavily into gaming (or any other activity, for that matter.) But I don't really appreciate it when comments start to sound like you're a bad parent if you don't regulate how much time your kid spends on the computer or a gaming system, even when you have been clear that your own kid is not showing any signs of addiction.

[Reefgazer]

No, it wouldn't. An unhealthy addiction or lifestyle or habit is unhealthy regardless of the money it leads to. DD isn't allowed to engage her addiction 24-7 either, and it's a physical, outdoor addiction.

So those of you with over users of video games, would your outlook change if your kid was making in the 6 digits like many of the online famous gamers do? Just curious.

[Guest]

A lot of competitive athletes have the support of family.  They either don't work or don't work all that much because training takes so much time.  Sometimes they don't make money from the sport for many many years. 

 

I'm not saying I could/would support either of these things.  It would be hard for me to see the value in it because that concept is pretty foreign to me, but it is a thing (that some parents choose to support). 

 

Yes, I know. And pianists, and dancers, and models and whatever else.

 

But *I* wouldn't. I can't answer for every eventuality humanity might hypothetically conjur up.

[poppy]

A lot of competitive athletes have the support of family.  They either don't work or don't work all that much because training takes so much time.  Sometimes they don't make money from the sport for many many years. 

 

I'm not saying I could/would support either of these things.  It would be hard for me to see the value in it because that concept is pretty foreign to me, but it is a thing (that some parents choose to support). 

 

Do you mean like eSports? That's...  oh man.  That's harder to get into than actual sports.  Because to be a pro athlete,  you are competing with a small pool of people with your exceptional physical makeup.   Gaming you are competing with the millions and millions of kids (mostly in Asian countries). It's like a few hundred people?   And you only make money in tournaments. And you retire way younger than sports too, like, 25 is too old due to reflexes getting slower.  I dunno, I want to encourage kids to follow their passions, but, the odds of making money is so very slim, and the opportunity so very short, compared to........ anything else.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Do you mean like eSports? That's...  oh man.  That's harder to get into than actual sports.  Because to be a pro athlete,  you are competing with a small pool of people with your exceptional physical makeup.   Gaming you are competing with the millions and millions of kids (mostly in Asian countries). It's like a few hundred people?   And you only make money in tournaments. And you retire way younger than sports too, like, 25 is too old due to reflexes getting slower.  I dunno, I want to encourage kids to follow their passions, but, the odds of making money is so very slim, and the opportunity so very short, compared to........ anything else.

 

I don't know if it is called eSports, but yeah I hear you.  The odds of making money is incredibly small. 

 

I imagine they could potentially make some money with advertising.  Those events have specific sponsors (companies who make games or gaming systems). 

 

They broadcast some of the gaming events on TV.  I watched it for a little while because I was kinda floored by the idea.  I couldn't look away.  LOL 

[poppy]

I don't know if it is called eSports, but yeah I hear you.  The odds of making money is incredibly small. 

 

I imagine they could potentially make some money with advertising.  Those events have specific sponsors (companies who make games or gaming systems). 

 

They broadcast some of the gaming events on TV.  I watched it for a little while because I was kinda floored by the idea.  I couldn't look away.  LOL 

 

It doesn't sound like a fun thing to watch for me, but, I"m probably just not able to appreciate the skill level displayed.  (I'm also someone who can't even see the puck moving when watching a hockey game on TV...)

I think it's also a thing where there is a marketing staff, tournament organizing staff, etc so not all the money being made is going to the players.  Kind of like boxing.

 

 

 

[Bluegoat]

I was told by one of the counselors we talked to (we had to look pretty hard to find one gaming-focused and nearby) that some people (kids and adults) actually wear Depends so they don't have to leave the game even for a minute.  

 

Ewwwww.  

 

This is really common with slot machine use.  People worry if they leave they will miss the big jackpot.  There are some really interesting ways people become convinced the results are something other than random, and they are more likely to win as time goes on.